The Burnley Wallet

This is the end, my friend

2009-07-07T16:41:00.003Z

This is it. After 5 years of fun, laughter and sporadic updates, we're closing this once mighty site down. It'll still be here, at least until Blogger notice this post (and let's face it, they will be one of the 5 or so who will actually read it) and delete the blog altogether.

We've had some great times over the last half-decade. Cakes, booze, parmos, music, sport and grizzly bears breakdancing have all featured. We were even funny, sometimes.

We'd like to thank some people, who helped over the years, or bigged us up elsewhere; Glen off OI, Scribbler off Mercury Vapour for linking to us for years with mixed results, the OI forum for messages of support, we love you all (but not like that, natch).

Thanks to our 'friends' Nathan Paylor, Bruno Tate, everyone we upset in Blackpool when we went. And so many more!

We'll still exist, of course. I can be found on OI ranting about films and telly. Mikey can be found almost exclusively on Xbox Live, and KG can be seen flitting from pub to pub on Southfield Road singing the theme from 'Casualty' at the top of his lungs. Come and see us, we'd love to meet you again!

Bye everyone.

Bye.

KG - A Life in Pictures

2009-06-05T20:05:00.002Z

Football Review

2009-05-25T18:46:00.002Z

Yeah, OK, it's not actually finished with yet for the big clubs, but for us in the basement it's done and dusted. This is my favourite bits and pieces from the past season, which despite Boro's total incompetence was quite entertaining anyway. Premiership only as well, because I might not get the cnace to type 'Premiership' again for a number of years, barring my job application for Chief Political Editor being accepted by the Times.

These are my favourites, and you will no doubt disagree with some.

Match of the season: For me, it has to be one of the 4-4 draws. But seeing as one left Honest Harry Redknapp smiling like a Cheshire Cat, and the other pretty much knocked the fat Spanish Waiter out of the title race, I know where the prize is going.

If you could go back in time 15 years and tell and Arsenal fan that their team would draw 4 four each at Anfield, they would have laughed you out of the room. But these days, Wenger's football purity program demands attacking invention over all, so Arsenal are the 1970's Total Football of the new millennium, and as such, are incredible to watch at times. For Liverpool, an indication that they're not quite there, and that they are still a 2 man team.

Player of the season: Andrei Arshavin. He's incredible for Russia, we know that, but surely the Premiership will be too strong for him? Nonsense. Strength is more often than not a mental rather than a physical act. His lung-busting 80 yard sprint to receive a killer pass on the break at Anfield showed he was quite able to fit in in this 'rough and tumble' league. Plus, he only played half a season. A true shame that he's at his peak now, and we won't have him for too long.

But why not Ronaldo, Giggs, Gerrard, Torres? It sounds odd, but they just 'do' what they're supposed to 'do', if you understand what I mean. They'll always be there, you expect that, but Arshavin was completely unexpected, the delivery of promise for once, after all the hype.

Laurel and Hardy award for services to comedy: Mike Ashley. Keegan's back, and on the first day he's grabbed a draw that by all accounts could have been a win at Old Trafford. Then his weakened team has slipped a bit, so out he goes. Ashley can't be seen to be in control of a decent side, right? So he gets Joe Kinnear in, who makes his side so nailbiting and ludicrous that eventually his heart gives in. So in comes Shearer, given eight days as the Messiah (after which I assume he will be crucified) to turn things around.

Sadly, it wasn't to be. Sky Sports News organised a day of mourning for 'everyone's second team'. Hearty guffaws were heard around the Sunderland area, but I'm not quite sure what they've got to laugh about.

Calamity of the Year: Plenty of contenders, but they most likely had Garmin writ large on their shirts.

Tactical decision of the year: Boro, needing a win at home to escape the relegation mire, play Blackburn. Gareth Southgate names an attacking line up containing 5, count 'em, 5 centre backs. Boro are delighted with their clean sheet, but unsurprisingly not their failure to get three points.

Most looking forward to next season: The 10,000 strong Golden Mile invasion task force, and then wrecking the place after a bungling 2-1 loss against Blackpool.

Goal of the Season: Wasn't a goal. But if Tuncay had scored, it would have won Goal of the season for the next ten years. The Turk received the ball into feet, back to goal, with Jamie Carragher closing in. Tuncay dug his foot underneath, let the spin on the ball do the work, Carragher was lost in his own little world, but then Reina had to get in the way. Selfish Spanish git that he is.

Amazing

2009-05-24T21:04:00.001Z

There are some pretty amazing things on Youtube, but this is one of the best.

By Special Request

2009-05-20T17:51:00.003Z

Yeah, so, er, we're (I'm) back, from a short holiday, but a big Wallet break. What have we been up to? Well, I went to Lanzarote for a hiking holiday where I drank some really nice beer and was taunted by Geordies, even though they made it very apparent they hated the Mackems more than they hated Boro.

Mikey and KG went to Krakow, where KG sampled the local delicacy, the Bîg Mæć, and Mikey decided to bring back a fortnight long hangover and become Denis Bergkamp for a bit.

So, anyway, that's about it for now. It's the summer though, eh? So surely we'll be up to summat, filmed in glorious HD by Mikey to go on here or on Youtube or whatever.

Also, coming soon (too soon) - 30.

The Best Song For Ages

2009-04-10T08:25:00.004Z

Yeah, I know it doesn't fit, but I DON'T CARE because it's THAT GOOD.

The Appliance of Science

2009-03-24T17:39:00.002Z

'Boffins come up with the formula for the perfect penalty' raves today's Sun. Let's have a look shall we?

"The SHOT should be 65mph or more."

As I remember, the hardest shot in the Premier League ever was about 85-ish mph, so a 65mph shot would be a fair old whack, wouldn't it?

"This requires a RUN-UP of five to six paces, commencing from the edge of the 18-yard line — approaching the ball at an ANGLE of 20 to 30 degrees."

Yeah OK, so don't bother with Roberto Carlos style 50 yard run ups, you'll be knackered when you get there. Also, don't run straight at the ball, unless you are a genius who can strike the ball with both feet simultaneously.

"And it must CROSS the goal line at exactly 0.5m below crossbar and 0.5m inside either post."

Yeah, like in the top corner then?

"Researchers say the formula promises 100 PERCENT SUCCESS."

Great! So blasting the ball with one foot into the top corner guarantees a goal from a penalty!

Who would have thought it?

Oof!

2009-03-19T20:41:00.001Z

Best Satda For Literally Ages

2009-03-02T21:22:00.001Z

Not shown in the clip: KG wrestling a viking after Tuncay's goal.

Great Days

2009-02-22T16:48:00.002Z

This basically encapsulates that part of my life when I was the world could be whatever I wanted it to be, summer was hot and sweaty, and I was young and free. I'd just left school, exam results weren't in yet so the near future wasn't really defined and I was in full swing of 9-ish weeks off before college started.

This is my defining memory of that summer. Supergrass sweating their way through 'She's So Loose' at Glastonbury, when Britpop was still on the up. It makes me go all tingly inside.

Hippo Bathday!

2009-02-22T16:35:00.002Z

It's Mikey's birthday! He's 26 today!

However, all is not sweetness and light. His wisdom teeth have decided to impact against his other teeth, which in hindsight doesn't seem very wise at all. He's fighting back though, with his strict Bonjela/Fosters/maltesers diet.

Get well soon!

Games

2009-02-20T21:41:00.002Z

KG (remember him?) messaged me on Facebook, with news of a cricket high score on this. I told him I had 250+ compared with his 150-odd. He instantly went offline. So, er, have a bash, watch your googlies and try not to clip your stump with your ball. 250 to beat. GO!

Then, once your patience has been exhausted, go here and play this. Track and Field for autistics, basically. No high scores, just actually getting anywhere will command the utmost respect.

Well Held Son!

2009-02-16T19:16:00.002Z

Of course, if he touches his foot outside the rope with ball in hand it's a six.

The Beatles

2009-02-16T18:27:00.002Z

Great list of Beatles tunes and a bloke has ranked them from the worst to the best...in his opinion. I disagree with pretty much all of the first page. Especially Honey Pie second bottom - what the hell!?

Here.

Mass Debate: Best Player Ever

2009-02-16T18:25:00.003Z

Inspired by the BBC's Tim Vickery posting on the BBC Football blog.

Here.

Who's yours?

My pick is coming soon.

The Office: USA Style

2009-02-16T18:24:00.001Z

Excellent stuff.

FAO: The Mother-in-law

2009-02-15T12:26:00.001Z

A Day in Manchester - Part 1

2009-02-11T20:22:00.000Z

Keith: "Mikey?"

Me: "Yeah?"

Keith: "Away, we're out the front in the taxi!"

Not only was it 15 minutes early with an over eager Rob and Keith awaiting my arrival, I was mid teeth cleaning and this was 6.45am. I haven't seen 6.45am for a long long time. So, no time for breakfast either which meant starting the day with a bag of Salt and Vinegar crisps, a Yorkie and a Capri Sun bought at the station....healthier than usual I suppose!! We picked up Chris and the four of us arrived at Middlesbrough station in plenty of time.

The train arrived on time and "Pssst!", the first cans of the day were opened. Lager at this time of the day is bad news and not highly recommended. Gets you going though and in the mood.

It was an epic train journey with a lot of very quiet passengers all disbelieving the early start and a fair few fellow Boro fans enjoying their first beers of the day.

Now Rob also bought a Yorkie, which went walkabout when he went for a piss. "Enjoy your Yorkie Rob?" Winding up Rob had started!!

He eventually found it though and saved a piece to send off in the free post envelop for Pabo, the sexy underwear company! He carried this right up until we got on the tram in Manchester.

Some weird people get on trains, and not just us, a couple got on at, I think, Northallerton. For a good ten minutes they traipsed up and down each carriage looking for their seats, which they did, at one point, find and sit in. They then got out of them and carried on traipsing up and down again before coming back and sitting in the same seats!

The funniest moment though, had to be poor Rob, dazed and confused from his missing Yorkie, trying to down his can of Fosters without it actually being open!

We arrived in Manchester just before 10am, and navigated our way to the tram/metro stop confident that we were in the right spot for the tram to Shudehill/Printworks.

Now on the tram is a circular hingeto allow the tram to bend or, as we rechristened it, the revolving dance floor! I set off with some Travolta-like moves before cracking my head off the iron rail above my head that I hadn't noticed!! It hurt actually.

Lloyds was the destination and as we arrived, the barman was literally unbolting the front door. Perfect timing.

Pints all round, a go on the fruity and then as we sat down in the corner poor Rob ripped his jeans on a protruding screw on his chair!!

Hunger set in after our journey breakfasts were ordered. I went for a customised breakfast sandwich with an egg swapped for sausage. The french bloke, Frank Quedrue-esque, reckoned the chef couldn't manage this so I went for one baguette of sausage and one for bacon. This only got funny when the waiter arrived with our grub.

"Sausage baguette?"

Me: "Yep."

"And a bacon baguette?"

Me: "Yep".

Keith: "Fucking hell Mikey, you fat cunt!"

Me: "Speak to Frenchie over there!"

Now we were mid way through maybe our second or third pint when the weirdest bloke in Manchester arrived. A great big bald bloke with a beard who, unfortunately, caught my eye. He mumbled in what I thought was a Scottish accent...

"I must apologise, cannot breathe it is because of my hormones."

I said nothing and just raised an eyebrow.

At the lack of response he went over to a table of girls a few yards away and said the same thing.

"Can I call you an ambulance love?"

"No, no please don't."

"Well do you want a cigarette?"

"Oh yesh please."

Eh? He couldn't breathe a minute ago. What a strange geezer.

As he disappeared for a fag a waitress brought over a coffee for the strange bloke, who'd left what looked all of his belongings at a table next to us.

And it stood there forever. We thought he'd either died, left a bomb, forgotten where he was or was just a mentalist.

And it still stood there.

"Shall we spit in it?"

"Oh hang on here is now....ere mate, your coffee is gonna be freezing."

"Hey guys, you know you don't understand circumstances, I am from Eastern European." (Seems I was way off with my accent recognition!)

"I dunno mate, Grangetown is pretty rough!!"

Anyway, I disappeared off for a wizzle and returned to find my chair had been vandalised with

MIKEY OV ESTON!

"Right drink up lads, lets get out of this hell hole and find a taxi for the stadium."

And away we went!

Part 2 soon.

Brush Strokes

2009-02-11T20:01:00.000Z

We've had the decorators in! What do you think, oh loyal userbase?

Dream Team

2009-02-08T18:45:00.003Z

Concerned that this site is beginning to look like a long list of Dream Team scores?

Sick of seeing Gumma coming first?

Yeah, well so is his Mrs!!

Yes? I am too so I've moved it to this site now and all scores, transfer news etc. will appear

HERE

Coming Soon

2009-02-08T11:26:00.002Z

A full on 'old school' write up of the trip to Manchester for the City vs. Boro game. Yeah, we lost 1-0 but it was worth it just for the Robinho songs, 7.30am lagers, Big Brother auditions and a scar that looks like an 80 year olds arse.

Dream Team

2009-02-08T11:24:00.001Z

1st Gumma 1059pts

2nd KG 1052pts

3rd Mikey 944pts

4th JBH 898pts

5th Pete 876pts

6th KG Snr 776pts

7th Joanne 770pts

8th Chris 696pts

Snow

2009-02-04T17:53:00.002Z

Gather round children. I would like to tell you a mystical story, full of magic and mystery.

Every so often, it gets cold. So cold, that even the rain freezes. Then, by a largely unknown process, it begins to snow!

This seemingly happens at random. Everybody is taken by surprise, so we wake up bleary eyed and think "Jesus Christ!"

Snow is, of course, just some weather. So how come the country has ground to a halt? How come nearly everybody in London is working from home? When did snow become the most important item on the news? It's frozen water for God's sake. Do they have a newsfalsh in Canada every time it snows? Do the Finns exclusively work from home? Has the Icelandic economy stopped...oh, hang on.

One of the most noticeable effects of this 'snow' is it's electromagnetic effect on the engines of cars. This makes the vehicles move at one of two speeds, either a feeble crawl or a balls-out blast into the icy certainty of death. Walking the dog on Monday I overtook 4 cars, before having to leap out of the way of a BMW doing 50 mph sideways down an alleyway.

Teachers have taken the weather more seriously than most. News reports told of schools closed across the nation, so obviously the kids rejoiced. Judging by the news though, most of them went straight to school to stand about a bit and build a snowman. You're off school! Go home!

The joy of the snow has gone now. The slightly frozen water has been replaced with extremely frozen water. Just this morning I had a head on collision with a Peugeot 206. I was OK, because I wasn't in my car. I was out walking the dog again. I might as well have been auditioning for Dancing on Ice, in best Todd Carty fashion.

Bring on the spring, I say.

Line Dancing

2009-02-03T22:03:00.002Z

Apparently, we'll be line dancing soon. I am impossibly worried. How do you do it?

I assume it's a matter of practice makes perfect, but we'll have had no practice. Line dancing is usually performed by the elderly and Americans, but mostly by elderly Americans. This should make it nice and easy to pick up, but judging by the difficulty we've had in finding the correct clothing it seems to be an underground hobby like acid house, or felching.

Luckily, I'll have a head start. You see, when i was young, I was a part of the Cleveland County Country Dancing championship team. Those heady days on Ravensworth School's field in the hot sun, being swung round by a partner twice my height and 3 times my weight (she was hardly a looker), leading to me being the first person in the world to win a competition involuntarily.

We'll have photos, natch. Mikey will pick it up straight away, as he does, whereas I'll get bored after a while and slope off to the bar. That's my attention span gone and er, er....

A Moral Dilemma

2009-02-03T19:45:00.002Z

So we're thinking of doing something with the Wallet. Like restarting it, rebuilding it, whatever. We've had some ideas, but maybe they won't come to fruition. I think we're a bit sick of seeing fantasy football scores every time we come on it, and it might be scaring both of our readers off.

So what to do? Build a site from scratch? Well, hey, that takes time, talent and temperament, three things of which we share little. Can someone explain the difference between wordpress and blogger?

Our basic aim is to become the Middlesbrough pisshead equivalent of Top Gear, but on the net. Any help would be more than gratefully received.

Twitter

2009-01-31T12:10:00.002Z

Joined Twitter but have one follower. Follow me, i'm dead interesting me. Honest.

Advert

2009-01-18T11:46:00.000Z

Imagine this going down in Boro...

Possibly...

2009-01-17T20:55:00.000Z

The greatest thing ever.

Why Guitar Hero Exists

2009-01-11T17:55:00.000Z

Bear with it.

A Youtube Story

2009-01-11T17:00:00.003Z

Got an e-mail through today. As follows...

Dear kingchief1000,

Video Disabled.

A copyright owner has claimed it owns some or all of the audio content in your video Redcar 8-12-07. The audio content identified in your video is Rock And Roll by Led Zeppelin. We regret to inform you that your video has been blocked from playback due to a music rights issue.Replace Your Audio with AudioSwap. Don't worry, we have plenty of music available for your use. Please visit our AudioSwap library to learn how you can easily replace the audio in your video with any track from our growing library of fully licensed songs.

If you think there's been a mistake, or you have other questions, please visit the Copyright Notice page in your account.

Sincerely,

The YouTube Content Identification Team

I was a litle bit miffed with this as you can imagine as I quite like the big Led Zeppelin sound track of this video. It was one of my favourites!

In fact it goes like this if you can't remember.

Well, that is actually a tribute band doing a Led Zeppelin song probably without copyright clearance. Lets see if they have to change their Audiotrack.

Now as you saw earlier, the e-mail told me not to worry, because there was plenty of music available in their library to use.

It actually turns out there isn't much there. Well that's of any use anyway.

So, we now have our night out video from Redcar in December 2007 with the soundtrack of...

The Young Werewolves and Curse of the Cocaine Mummies.

And it sounds like this!

Oh wait, it doesn't sound like anything. It's silent. That worked well didn't it!

Cock.

It tells me that any can be changed though. So, I am thinking I might upload a video with two different soundtracks (if they do work) to see if they take on a different meaning - what do we think?

I'm only jealous but...

2009-01-09T18:47:00.002Z

...fuck me.

Ulrika Johnson is allegedly getting £175k for her appearance in Celebrity Big Brother and she'll probably get the boot tonight. 6 and a bit days sat about in a house doing sweet fuck all. So, so very jealous.

The Gaza Strip

2009-01-08T20:43:00.001Z

The Best Thing I Watched Last Night

2009-01-07T19:15:00.002Z

Anyone else caught of any of the Prog Rock stuff on BBC4?

Just me eh!

KP

2009-01-07T19:10:00.002Z

5 months ago: "I'm very thrilled and excited to have been given the opportunity to captain England."

Quality player turns his back on his home nation to play for us, maybe the most exciting batsman of the last 10 years, and now he's captain! What can go wrong?

Today: "Stick ya job up ya arse."

Fuck you then, you springbok cunt.

The Best Thing I Watched All Xmas

2009-01-06T19:49:00.000Z

Are You Missing Woolworths?

2009-01-06T19:14:00.002Z

I'm not.

Inspired by a convo some of us lot had in the taxi on the way to Redcar with an old geezer (most of his family had just lost a job at Woolworths by the sound of it so yeah, it was a cheery ride to the seaside!).

What other old shops do you remember/miss?

Jeremy Clarkson - Faker

2009-01-03T15:09:00.002Z

I happened to turn Dave on earlier (Dave who!?) to find Jeremy Clarkson of Top Gear fame whizzing along on a moped in Vietnam. Was it a repeat of the recent fantastic episode of Top Gear?

No.

This was on Jeremy Clarkson's Motorworld which was filmed in...1995??!

Happy New Year

2009-01-02T12:32:00.001Z

And that.

A Bearded Man with a Heavy Sack

2008-12-22T20:00:00.002Z

Yep, it's that time of year again, so have a merry Christmas, a happy Hannukah and a rockin' Ramadan. We'll leave you this year with the best Xmas song of them all. Don't argue, YOU'RE WRONG.

The Great Cake-in-a-Mug Experiment

2008-11-18T19:52:00.005Z

I will confess straight away. Mister Kipling I most certainly am not. So, if I was to stumble across a way to make the production of cake easier, I'd be an idiot not to try it, right?

During a break from my hectic working life, I found this. It promised cake and quickness, the two things I'd been searching for in my life. It had to be done.

I found myself, sometime later, in the kitchen. That's the room at the back of the house where the tea comes from, one room before the beer fridge. I had lined up the necessary ingredients in front of me, and set about my task, armed only with a shaky hand and slack measuring skills.

Some stuff, today.

For future reference, what does a tablespoon consist of? Is it heaped, flat or in between? I cracked on, using a mixture of the three varieties of tablespoon measurement. There was powder everywhere. The flour went in, then the Tesco Value choccy powder. It was coming together well...

An egg, drowning.

In goes the egg, incredibly minus the shell. I couldn't believe how well this was going. I'd half expected to find a half formed chick in the bottom of my mug, but it never came. Nothing could stop me now! Nothing!

Apart from having to stir the stuff, obviously. As soon as I moved the spoon, huge quantities of eggy powder leapt from the cup, leaving the wife to regale me in French. "Try a little spoon, you f***ing useless c**t!" she shouted. Valentine's Day gets earlier every year. Awww.

Attempting to calm the lumpy liquid, I added oil and water, two things that only usually come as a pair in the same place in my car engine. After more (careful) stirring it was time to bake.

Some "Gunk"

3 minutes is a long time. Especially when you've got your nose prodded up against the microwave door, waiting for the eruption to happen. It didn't.

After using oven gloves to remove the mug, I emptied the 'cake' onto a plate. It looked a bit like choco-scrambled egg, and smelt the same. I tried a piece.

A cake, apparently.

It wasn't bad, but it wasn't world changing either. It certainly wasn't as nice as the cakes the missus made, or the cake from Phil's house which makes Jack and Alfie sing nursery rhymes in Albanian to you.

In fact, I would go as far as to say I won't eat micro cake again. But I need to try it with extra choc, so a bar of Belgian 75% gear was bought for tomorrow's experiment, providing I don't, y'know, die before tomorrow night.

FAO Mikey

2008-11-17T20:49:00.000Z

Something to aspire to.

Dream Team

2008-11-15T10:20:00.002Z

1st Gumma 567pts
2nd KG 562pts
3rd JBH 461pts
4th Mike 429pts
5th Pete 426pts
6th Jo 422pts
7th KG Snr 399pts
8th Chris 336pts

A Christmas Treat

2008-11-13T18:52:00.002Z

Game, the video game retail outlet, have created some little cartoon characters to help with Xmas purchases. Nice of them to base one on their best customer, eh?

DVD

2008-11-12T21:13:00.001Z

Music in time with the visuals or visuals in time with the music?

A (much needed) Update

2008-11-10T20:34:00.002Z

Looks like fantasy footy has taken over the world eh? Only if you're the sort of freak who sits in the bedroom taking advice from people like us. So, what have we been up to?

Well, apart from destroying a supposedly bulletproof VW engine, then getting hypothermia on the side of the A1, life has been pretty quiet recently. It's the credit crunch, I suppose.

Nights out have been reasonably plentiful though, but strangely unmemorable. Maybe it's the "same old same old" factor rearing it's ugly head again. Saturday's night in Manchester, high security nightclubs and all, was excellent though.

I know, I'll put something on here every night until Chrimbo, in a sort of 'slightly premature advent calendar' stylee. That's not a promise though, natch. So we'll see.

For now? This; turn it up. Turn it up loud.

Dream Team

2008-11-08T09:28:00.002Z

1st KG 528pts
2nd Gumma 525pts
3rd JBH 426pts
4th Mikey 413pts
5th Jo 410pts
6th Pete 407pts
7th KG Snr 390pts
8th Chris 333pts

Dream Team

2008-11-01T09:37:00.002Z

1st Gumma 482pts
2nd KG 463pts
3rd Pete 388pts
4th Jo 382pts
5th JBH 381pts
6th Mikey 364pts
7th KG Snr 362pts
8th Chris 305pts

Dream Team

2008-10-25T09:24:00.001Z

1st Gumma 423pts
2nd KG 400pts
3rd Pete 352pts
4th Joanne 327pts
5th JBH 318pts
6th KG Snr 293pts
7th Mikey 288pts
8th Chris 265pts

Dream Team

2008-10-09T20:28:00.005Z

THE TRANSFER WINDOW IS OPEN!!

THE DEADLINE IS SATURDAY 18th OCTOBER AT 12 NOON!!

There will be no messing about this year with late transfers either.

And...

Here's the latest scores...

1st KG 327pts
2nd Gumma 319pts
2nd Pete 319pts
3rd JBH 299pts
4th KG Senior 273pts
5th Joanne 261pts
6th Chris 248pts
7th Mikey 241pts

What's next for Newcastle?

2008-09-29T18:46:00.001Z

October: Living up to reports, a last minute deal takes place, selling the club for a cut price £100m, 42 replica shirts and 4 warm pints of lager. The new owners are Nigerian businessmen, who all lost their fathers in horrendous air crashes. It turns out they did have millions to put in your bank account after all.

November: Joe Kinnear is sacked as Newcastle boss, with the Toon second bottom of the Premiership.Only Tottenham lie below them, after taking just 1 point from a possible 30. Rumours are rife that Alan Shearer will take the helm, but the man himself tells Toon fans that he is 'not interested in that bag of shite, for fuck's sake'. Sales of Shearer shirts double overnight.

December: The Nigerian board tell the world they've got their man. A former England captain, with experience of managing a big name side and a proven track record in bringing in the world's finest players. Newcastle fans are less than impressed when Bryan Robson is unveiled.

January: Newcastle are knocked out of the FA Cup in front of their own fans by Shotton Colliery Welfare, who win 3-0 even though they had a man sent off. The transfer window re-opens, and the Toon invest in Branco and Clayton Blackmore. Newcastle win 1-0 at Middlesbrough, despite not touching the ball for 35 minutes, thanks to a late Nicky Butt penalty. Pogatetz is sent off for murdering the fourth official.

February: Michael Owen is ruled out for the remainder of the season, suffering from a 'bit of a dicky tummy'. Joey Barton returns to the first team after his community service, and scores a late equaliser at Fulham. He is then sent off for brawling with a corner flag. The flag inflicts several large bruises on Barton's face.

March: Newcastle lose 3-0 against an inspired Wigan side, Titus Bramble scoring a hat-trick. Toon fans still claim he isn't good enough to wear the black and white shirt. The papers are alight with rumours of a transfer spectacular on Tyneside, with the new chairman being overheard mentioning Kaka's name. It seems he was actaully just describing the club in general.

April: The Toon win all of their games this month. April Fool!

May: Newcastle are saved by a last minute legal reprieve, even though technically they have been relegated. The European court of sports arbitration recognises that they are 'everyone's second team', and therefore should remain in the Premiership for the good of football. Fourth bottom Middlesbrough are relegated.

Dream Team

2008-09-27T09:18:00.002Z

1st JBH 195pts
2nd KG 191pts
3rd Pete 188pts
4th Gumma 166pts
5th KG senior 160pts
6th Chris 153pts
7th Joanne 138pts
8th Mikey 134pts

Dream Team

2008-09-20T08:29:00.003Z

1st Pete 170pts
2nd KG 164pts
3rd JBH 163pts
4th KG senior 140pts
5th Chris 136pts
6th Mikey 118pts
7th Gumma 113pts
8th Jo 108pts

My Left Foot

2008-09-11T20:12:00.003Z

(Well, actually my right foot, but that's not a film, is it?)

Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to tell you a tale of justice, pain and sadness.

Sat in Portugal, in our room, after a hazy afternoon of drinking beer and larking in the pool, myself and the missus decided to catch up on events back home. It was six o'clock, so on went the news.

And by God, look what happens while I'm away! Most of the UK is underwater, Wales has floating sheep, Morpeth has floating VW Passats and York has floating caravans (nearly). "Hah!" I laughed, scratching my burnt, manly chest, "Check that out! They've got that and we've got burning sunshine!"

Next up was the paralympics. In a sober light, I can see these brave people facing up to their disabilities with a stiff upper lip, more than I could manage in a similar situation. But with 4 pints of Si-Si-Si-San Miguel in me, watching a one legged man on a bike was literally hilarious. "Hah!" I laughed, sizing up my two healthy legs and feet, "Check that out! He's got one and I've got two!"

Sadly, God heard this. He was pretty pissed off.

"Right, I'm going in the shower." I said. The wife replied that she would like to go in the bath first, so she had time to straighten her luxurious hair afterwards, whilst I was showering my sunburnt pair of working legs.

I agreed. Off she went. I decided to take in some fresh air, and try and catch some of the sounds of the nearby bullfight. Unfortunately, God had decided to sprinkle the balcony tiles with rain. It being dark, I didn't see this, until I was laid arse first in it. My left foot skidded out in front of me, and my right leg collapsed under the weight of my body and 4 pints of Si-Si-Si-San Miguel. My foot landed upside down on the door stop, and my arse and body landed on top of my foot.

It hurt. A lot.

After shouting for assistance, only to be met with the cry "What the fuck have you broken now?" I managed to gingerly pick myself up. I thought I'd broken my foot. I may still have. Next morning, I awoke with a huge black go-faster stripe of a bruise, and various twists and sprains. I still ache now.

I'm facing up to my disability with a stiff upper lip, but doubt I could lap a velodrome in under 20 seconds, like the one legged chap did.

So, as John Lennon might have said:
Instant karmas gonna get you
Gonna knock you right on your arse

Dream Team

2008-09-06T10:08:00.002Z

1st Pete 114pts
2nd KG Senior 105pts
3rd Chris 102pts
4th JBH 101pts
5th Mikey 73pts
6th Joanne 51pts
7th KG 51pts
8th Gumma 50pts

Dream Team

2008-08-30T09:06:00.002Z

1st KG Snr 78pts
2nd Pete 66pts
3rd Chris 63pts
4th JBH 62pts
5th Mikey 50pts
6th Gumma 40pts
7th KG 37pts
8th Jo 29pts

FAO: Chaz

2008-08-25T13:29:00.003Z

Good luck in all your Qatarian adventures! No comedy picture of a panda in a headscarf (PC is too slow) I'm afraid! Fudgee-O's! Immense waiting times! No more parmos! Until Chrimbo! See you then!

Branching Out

2008-08-25T10:53:00.003Z

It would appear that I've been 'given' 25% of Obscure Internet. Being a funny and talented poster on their forums does have benefits, you see.

The reason I'm telling you this is that you should come and play as well. Mikey has, and has actually told us something albeit in an extremely concise fashion. We talk about all sorts of things, not just the nerdy computer and comics shit that you expect from internet forums (although they are there, nerd-fans!), so why not drop by and tell us some stuff, or something?

I know this is very vague but come and have a look, sign up, etc. You never know, even if you find one thing that you like, then it will have been worth it! More people = more 'fun'!

Dream Team 2008/09

2008-08-23T19:11:00.004Z

Dream Team is BACK! And as Chris Groves, last seasons winner, will tell you it's more than just a game.

Week one scores...

1st Chris 48pts
=2nd KG Snr 44pts
=2nd Pete 44pts
3rd JBH 37pts
4th Mikey 35pts
5th Gumma 24pts
6th KG 23pts
7th Joanne 10pts

If you want to see who is in each team, e-mail us and I will send you the spreadsheet or I might at some point do a post with everyones team if I can be bothered. E-mail is far easier you see.

People who have stalked me on Facebook

2008-08-19T17:51:00.004Z

This is David Cook, apparently:

He 'added' me, but with my being totally faithful to the Facebook Way, I enquired as to just how he was my friend, seeing as I'd never met him before, ever.

His response was "I don't mate. I just thought the pint in your profile pic looked nice." Eh?

On further inspection, I found out that David Cook worked next door to where I work. He was a bit too close for comfort, and I imagined he would be watching me through the chain link fence. Whilst playing with himself.

And this is Lesley Brown:

She's from Gosforth. I've never been to Gosforth, and know nothing of it, apart from the fact that it's a bit Geordie. I have no mutual friends with her. I don't recognise her. This time, with no manners, I just rejected her. I might send her a message now.

She looks a bit orange to me like.

So, just what is the etiquette from stalkers on Facebook? Message and then reject, to shame them back into the correct Facebook Way, a flat rejection, or just add them to make yourself look like you've got more friends than your sad little existence allows? Well?

Pandora's Box AKA The Sad Box

2008-08-12T17:06:00.003Z

The Sad Box is the box of CD albums and singles we brought from Coulby to Eston when we moved. They range from forgotten classics to shameful memories, and have been stuck in The Sad Box because they are either songs that you hear and think "OMG that is awesome" or songs that you hear and think "OMG what in the name of living fuck is that?"

The Sad Box was opened on Friday night, unleashing some classics upon an unsuspecting audience. The playlist was as follows (ish, I'd had a few by then):

Town Called Malice - The Jam
Going Underground - The Jam
Kinky Afro - Happy Mondays
Come Taste My Mind - Earl Brutus
To Earth With Love - Gay Dad
C'est La Vie - B*Witched
Bob Marley vs Funkstar Deluxe - Sun is Shining
De La Soul - Say No Go
De La Soul - Me Myself and I

And others, including Take That, that I have forgotten. We learned the Abi loves the Jam, Alex and Chris had never heard De La Soul and had therefore never lived, that Mikey feels 15 again when he hears certain tunes and that we all agreed that we 'would' 3/4 of B*Witched.

Used to think this was awesome...

2008-08-10T09:31:00.001Z

...10 year ago.

It has to be said it sounds awful now!

Pete - get your old box of CD's sorted now! I was 15 again for a couple of hours on Friday night.

Amsterdam

2008-08-05T16:50:00.001Z

Me, KG, Phil and Chris visited Amsterdam a few weeks back. Well, here's the vid...

Fuck Buttons

2008-08-04T21:20:00.002Z

No, not something Cinderella might say, but an 'experimental' er, rock/dance band. I listened to their debut album 'Street Horrrsing' the other day, after rioutous recommendations on another website (I know, I thought this was the only one as well).

However, in between (Buy)ing it and putting it on my MP3 player, I read a review that said it consisted basically of 4 things: screeching/screaming/white noise/a bit of a melody. This filled me with dread. This 'noise' thing is usually cool for the sake of it student shit.

In reality though, it works unbelievably well. It sort of does that layering thing, where the beat starts quite simply, but adds bits and then suddenly, near the middle, explodes into an ear-busting cacophony of sound. At first it feels unlistenable, there is so much going on that your brain initially just turns off. But try again, and again, and it seeps into your consciousness. Inside the audio violence is a hidden beauty, and a sort of wonky symmetry, if that makes any sense.

Street Horrrsing is to other music what the Bugatti Veyron is to a Ford Fiesta. Yeah it feels uncomfortable, frightening even to start with, but the Veyron is mind bending and unforgettable, and it feels like the future. Street Horrrsing does the same for music.

Brighton Port Authority - ToeJam

2008-07-15T19:12:00.001Z

Fatboy Slim/David Byrne/Dizzee Rascal, innit. Seriously clever video.

Songs Of Praise - With Subtitles

2008-07-07T16:37:00.001Z

From Adam Buxton, once of Adam and Joe fame:

Astonishing Stupidity

2008-07-05T19:45:00.002Z

Setanta Sports News, in these slow sports news months, have come up with a cheap screen filler. At the bottom, instead of 'news', comes the texted opinions of football fans. Of course, as we all know, the general public are fucking idiots.

Amongst the general fuckwittery come texts from Liverpool fans. They are insightful and sensible as you would expect from FOOTBALL'S BEST FANS TM.

"Liverpool should buy Ade Akinbiyi and Trevor Sinclair, they would compliment the current squad and be cheap as they are over 30."

"Rafa why haven't you bought Ronaldo yet get in there now he would be wikkid."

Both genuine, sadly. I presume the first one was a wind up by Everton fans, but the second one was most likely the typical sort of Scouse imbecile who thinks that Liverpool are the biggest team in the world, despite having not won the league for nearly twenty years.

I can't wait for the season to start, but would prefer it if Liverpool never played again.

The Greatest Sports Day Ever

2008-07-04T20:43:00.003Z

I'm walking past MIMA at lunch time and there's a bunch of wee kiddie's all sitting about and there on the grass is, badminton nets, table tennis tables, a boxing ring and get this, a fucking pole vault!

What happened to white lines and grass? Or are most kids doing that every dinner time now?

What The Internet Is For

2008-07-02T19:10:00.002Z

It was quiet, most people had left the office and a few of us remained. I started to whistle/hum a tune. I don't know where it came from, don't know what it was but I'd heard it before and so had others.

Colleague 1: "What is that?"

Me: "I dunno, but it's gonna torture me till I find out."

C1: "It's a theme tune isn't it?"

Me: "I think you're right."

Colleague 2 joins in: "Yep, deffo a theme tune. The Upper Hand?"

C1: "Nah , don't think so."

Me: "have you still got sound on your PC?"

C1: "Yeah."

Me: "Right let's get on Youtube. Search for upper hand theme tune"

Me: "The Upper Hand? Miles away."

C2: "Erm, Yes Minister?"

Me: "Shut up!"

C1: "Come on Mike, this is bugging me now, maybe it was a game show?"

Me: "Nah, actually tell you what to try. Go on Google."

C1: "Yep."

Me: "Space bar melody. Me mate was on about this the other day. Apparently you tap in the melody and it recognises the song."

He googles it.

C1: "Songtapper.com?"

Me: "Try it."

Jackpot.

So he taps away the tune and we gather round the monitor...it loads for a while and we wait with baited breath....

All: "Terry and June!!!"

And that is why the internet is brilliant.

Glastonbury 08

2008-07-01T21:07:00.002Z

Whilst knocking out stuff for this esteemed tome, I've searched for the blog that would appeal to (almost) everyone. And hey, here it is!

It has:

Zane Lowe, over enthusiastic Radio 1 lapdog for the indie kids!
Britpop, for KG!
AC/DC, for Mikey!
Hip Hop, for Phil!
A threatening black man shouting stuff, for me!

Oh, and this, for the more elderly rockers amongst us. Mikey. Again.

Being Put On Hold

2008-07-01T19:26:00.003Z

Now that is annoying. But without hold music? Jesus, that's just torture.

Anyway, I had £80 go missing the other day and it still hasn't come back. Mind you the kid who lives down the end of my street has got some really smart new trainers.

I phones the bank.

Apparently my call is important to them, but, not important enough for them to answer me until 25 minutes had gone by. 25 long, slow,torturous minutes of just ringing or silence. I then spends 10 mins explaining it all only to hear...

"Oh sorry Mr Heaney, you'll need to go into your branch to see about that."

I could almost hear her laughing and high fiving her colleagues as I hung up. Slag.

He's Going To Fit Right In

2008-06-30T20:17:00.001Z

Boro target Didier Digard on his club Paris St Germain holding up his move to the Riverside...

"This club is doing my head in."

Empire

2008-06-28T18:42:00.001Z

The nightclub in Middlesbrough.

You owe me two ears. Fucking hell, how loud?!

Fancy Dress

2008-06-26T20:55:00.003Z

I'm gonna be invited to a 30th in September (says who?).

It's fancy dress with a nostalgia theme - "Come as something with some sort of nostalgic type theme from the last 30 years!!" is how I imagine the invite will look.

So, what the chuff can I go as? Ideas in the comments box please!

I'm currently favouring Run DMC...

Sir Robert Mugabe

2008-06-25T19:57:00.004Z

I see the Queen is asking for his honorary knighthood back. I bet he's gutted.

So, Zimbabwe has all gone a bit tits up then eh?

So the hot topic at PMQs in the House of Commons today - "You can fuck off if you think you're playing cricket with us!" Bit harsh don't you think?

As if life couldn't get any better...

2008-06-24T21:00:00.000Z

BBC NEWS | Entertainment | McFly announce new album giveaway

Heroes of the Wallet #6 - Tony Rolt

2008-06-24T19:12:00.002Z

Who? You might well ask. But you know those 'boys-own' stories of racing cars and POW camp escapes? That was Tony Rolt's life, that was.

Sadly, Major Rolt passed away in February this year. Here's his obituary from the Times, detailing a truly great man who should be a hero to us all.

Cricket

2008-06-23T19:20:00.003Z

With Italy's exit from Euro 2008, my summer of sport looks finished, at least until August, and the resumption of hostilities in the league. Yeah, OK, Wimbledon has started, but Tennis isn't really a sport, is it? It's just a game to see who can use Persil the most efficiently.

There's cricket as well, but that seems like a side-show compared to the money talk going round at the moment. While the million quid a game 20-20 matches will be sensational, you can see that the players aren't launching themselves whole heartedly into the current test series, and why should they? There was a story recently that for winning the second test against NZ, the England players received £500 and their expenses. Big deal.

As if to compound the problem, the MCC, cricket's governing body, decided to live up to all of the 'stuffy old man' stereotypes. Kevin Pietersen invented a 'new' shot, which in a sport with a near 200 year history is quite a big deal. Changing hands mid-delivery, and the slogging the ball away for 6, Pietersen showed bowlers the world over that the game had changed.

The MCC though, decided it shouldn't. If the bowler has to declare a change of bowling side, then the batsman should as well. It shouldn't be allowed. It's like FIFA trying to ban the Cryuff turn after one too many Swedish left backs were left on their arses.

It remains to be seen which way cricket will go, if it will encourage action and invention, or if the MCC will stamp down on new ideas to keep test cricket as the flagship form of the game. I for one can't wait for the 20-20 games with the big money, but I'm just as excited for the Ashes next year. Cricket is sat in a very strong position, more so than football maybe, let's just hope they don't blow it.

OMG

2008-06-20T19:23:00.000Z

OMFG!

Some things I would like to do this summer

2008-06-19T20:27:00.003Z

Go camping
Go fishing
Have a mass 18-a-side game of footy like when I was a kid
See the sun for more than one day at a time
Play golf

Shit post, I know, anything else I should be doing users?

Tuesday is Man-Day

2008-06-18T21:06:00.003Z

Last night, myself and KG went to the club to watch the football. This was a manly thing to do. I came home from work, having asked the boys if they were coming with me (only KG was), I had my tea, and then a shit/shower/shampoo/shave, and then met KG at the bottom of the road.

We had a bet. We went to the club and spoke with the blokes about racing and football, and played snooker and drank pints. We complained about the loud music from upstairs, and joined in the hard stares whenever someone used the bar toilets, which were really our toilets.

It was brilliant.

So, from now on, I declare Tuesdays to be Man-Days, so go and do a manly thing, and tell us about it here. We could make flyers and a Myspace and a Facebook thing. Lets make Tuesdays worth having again!

Almost made my list

2008-06-16T17:32:00.004Z

These were some I had lined up as Guilty Pleasures...

Crazy Horses - The Osmonds
Living La Vida Loca - Ricky Martin
SOS - ABBA
Stop - Spice Girls
Thing's Can Only Get Better - D:Ream
Pretty Fly (For a White Guy) - The Offspring

And this...

But I have since decided it is one of the best songs ever and surely everyone must agree.

Guilty Pleasures - Track 10

2008-06-15T19:59:00.002Z

And finally, Sweet Talking Woman - ELO

As a 28 year old, interested in techno and house music, I have no real right to like this. But I fucking love it.

Some songs that failed, but I still love:

My Prerogative - Bobby Brown
Ride On Time - Black Box
I'm Not In Love - 10CC
Tiny Dancer - Elton John
Barcelona - Freddie Mercury/Monserrat Caballé
Two Hearts - Phil Collins
19 - Paul Hardcastle

...and many more.

Guilty Pleasures - Track 9

2008-06-15T11:09:00.000Z

Let Martha Reeves and the Vandellas explain...

Guilty Pleasures - Track 8

2008-06-14T08:29:00.002Z

Red Light Spells Danger - Billy Ocean

From the singer of "When the going gets tough" comes maybe the best song ever. Sorry about the video, but the real video isn't on youtube, surprisingly.

Guilty Pleasures - Track 7

2008-06-13T18:55:00.002Z

"Its on an advert."

"An advert?"

"Yeah, i can't remember what, think it's an energy company."

It was Twix.

It knocked Penny Lane off the top spot in 1967.

It was The Turtles.

It was So Happy Together.

It is brilliant.

I think the general theme of my guilty pleasures has emerged - I'm into powerful, huge sounding songs and this is as powerful as it gets when the chorus kicks in. That is some wall of sound right there.

But the lyrics are pretty heartbreaking if you take the interpretation of one bloke when I google it...he thinks its about a guy who is so in love with this woman, and hopes that if he calls she will profess her love for him, fate will bring them together and the world will be alright...but, when it comes down to it, all he can muster is "So, how is the weather?"

But I think "So, how is weather?" is a call back to the line "When you're with me, the skies will be blue." and he is kind of saying, "I told you so!"

Enjoy.

"Amazing Scenes"

2008-06-12T21:11:00.001Z

Sorry to interrupt the guilty pleasures, but you have to see these awesome photos from the Switzerland - Turkey match.

Guilty Pleasures - Track 6

2008-06-12T20:54:00.003Z

Bananarama - Cruel Summer

A perfect girl-group pop song that's about summer but not summer-y, complete with Dukes of Hazzard style video. How can it go wrong?

Oh, and still would.

Guilty Pleasures - Track 5

2008-06-12T18:36:00.003Z

Press play, sit back, relax and enjoy one of the finest songs ever written.

Absolute perfection - written by Gamble and Huff (who went on to produce the Jacksons), this was a hit way back in the 70's.

This is my favourite version though. Yes, that is Jimmy Sommerville of Bronski Beat fame singing the high bits.

As for the music, the brass after each line in the chorus "...desire for you!" is immense, the wobble board effect on the drums and the huge piano sound at around the 2.22 mark - how good does that sound?

No. 1 for four weeks in Spetember 1986. Still brilliant today.

Even in Chicago Rock Cafe.

Guilty Pleasures - Track 4

2008-06-11T20:17:00.003Z

If you leave me now - Chicago

When you listen to it, pretend that the singer is a man (which he is, natch), increasingly desperate for one more chance from the love of his life. Then pretend that the music is his long suffering partner, laid back, seen it all before, finally had enough.

At the end, when the pleas reach a crescendo but the music remains thoughtful, this tells a story and shows emotions that could only be matched by the finest of writers.

Beautiful.

Guilty Pleasures - Track 3

2008-06-11T18:59:00.002Z

The Donovan. It's colossal. His voice, the words and that bass line...ouch. Stock, Aitken and Waterman at their peak here and smashed in at number 1 in March 89.

Too Many Broken Hearts

Jase, you broke my heart when you stopped releasing classics like this.

Guilty Pleasures - Track 2

2008-06-10T19:10:00.002Z

Lay All Your Love On Me - ABBA

ABBA invented French House before the French did. When ABBA invented French House, there was no house of any nationality. When it came to knocking out world class repetitive beats, Benny and Bjorn had no equal. With some vocal hooks and suspect lyrics ladled over the top, a modern classic was bjorn (born).

Guilty Pleasures Track 1

2008-06-10T18:27:00.002Z

Well, Pete and me got talking about this last night...songs you love but don't admit too. How hard was this?! Very. I'm not afraid to say I love some pretty dodgy music so here's my track 1...

East 17 - House of Love

How good? It's mega!! Raw power and energy and how good is that "Not bothered about your colour" hook? Plus the nice, gentle reminder that you have never run yourself over like Brian Harvey.

Genius

2008-06-09T21:12:00.000Z

Bg Brother

2008-06-08T20:34:00.004Z

I was going to do a review of the new contestants, but I couldn't be bothered to type the word 'cunt' 16 times.

The blind one though, has really wound me up. By losing the sense of sight, his senses have compensated by making him SHOUT EVERYTHING IN HIS ANNOYING FUCKING SCOTTISH ACCENT.

Still watching it though, natch. It makes me feel really intelligent.

EDIT: Just watching it now, and the blind guy was dressing up as a bunny girl, which involved him removing his undies. I asked Joanne if she thought he could see out of his jap's eye.

Stuff and That

2008-06-08T19:08:00.002Z

Here's a (hopefully weekly) bit of stuff that's caught my eye this week.

Brave or stupid...?

Debut Album

1 - Go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to Random quotations: http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

If you want to do this again, you'll hit refresh to generate new quotes, because clicking the quotes link again will just give you the same quotes over and over again.

3 - Go to flickr's "explore the last seven days" http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

Put it all together, that's your debut album.

Here's mine!!

Band name: 1909 Alekhin

Album name: Out Of The Business

Album cover: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jwoodphoto/2546747182/

Gazza

Gazza is having a bit of a mare at the moment, so let's laugh at some funny stuff he did!

http://fansonline.net/middlesbrough/mb/view.php?id=164487

More Yo! Gabba Gabba

Genius...

Jamstudio

This is pretty good for the musicians amongst you, like me...

http://www.jamstudio.com/Studio/index.htm

Knicker Picker

Hours of fun!!!

http://www.knickerpicker.com/dressing-room.asp

The Apprentice

Limmy's blog has a good bit about the Apprentice, Claire's gonna win apparently...

http://www.limmy.com/blog/?p=644

100 best movie posters of all time

Some of these are asbolutely brilliant, have a look...

http://www.tccandler.com/columns/100_greatest_movie_posters.htm?=rss

The Best Bit in the Papers Today

2008-06-07T11:32:00.001Z

If not ever:

10 reasons to be cheerful about Euro 2008:

8. The stretcher-bearers

Traditionally ineffable and flummoxed and featuring two people, one of whom is at least three-feet taller than the other. Last time around a pair of moustachioed Portuguese had to attempt to fit the mighty Jan Koller on to their stretcher. It was like watching the Chuckle Brothers load a giant squid on to a hostess trolley.

B3ta, natch.

2008-06-06T22:06:00.002Z

Tsk, Kids These Days, Eh?

2008-06-05T17:04:00.004Z

When I were a lad, and all this round here was fields, children's TV amounted to some dodgy cartoons, a street with some pigeons on it, and cross-dressing Mr Benn.

Nowadays, the kids are luckier. On Nick Jr, they have something called Yo Gabba Gabba!, and it is the televisual equivalent of crack cocaine.

It's as if the BBC decided to make TeleTubbies, but let the Beastie Boys loose on it instead of some YTS media studies twat. Yo Gabba Gabba! makes use of raps, beatboxing, funky French house and the worlds catchiest songs.

The chap below, in the video, is Biz Markie. For the Urbanly challenged amongst you (Mikey, I'm looking at you), Biz Markie is a legendary hip-hop artist, and has been sampled and guested on the Beastie Boys albums. On Yo Gabba Gabba! he teaches kids to beatbox. Natch.

Don't watch this though. It's for kids. Or is it? No, of course it isn't. It's just an excuse to show off, like Sesame Street, and the aforementioned TeleTubbies, it's just an ultra-cool design company that had to make a kid's TV show. More of the same, please.

Wii Fit

2008-06-04T18:17:00.004Z

Jesus Christ, how hard is yoga? Dhalsim made it look so, so easy. I did some sort of bending over thingy, just to get a look at the demonstrator's arse, but ended up nearly snapping my spine in 2.

As for step aerobics, seeing as I have virtually no co-ordination, added to the fact that the dog always wants to join in, means that Joanne always has fits of giggles when watching.

Also, my weight seems to bounce around almost as much as my tits, and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's to do with my full bladder. The Wii Board thingy seems to though, the smug little shit. It's about 2 weeks away from going out of the window.

Heroes of the Wallet #5 - Muhammad Ali

2008-06-03T17:31:00.003Z

**WARNING** This bit contains a really clumsy metaphor, guaranteed to annoy. Sorry, but I think you know what I'm getting at.

--------------------------------

Imagine that Steven Gerrard was liked by all fans, regardless of the fact that he plays for Liverpool, or that he's a scouser. The club and place of birth matter to no-one, and he is universally loved. And then, imagine if he went into a Champions League final against finest midfielder of his generation, and totally dominated him.

And then, imagine if he went and threw his Champions League winner's medal in the Mersey because he was turned away from a nightclub because he was a scouser. And imagine that, when interviewed before matches he would recite a rhyme he had manufactured himself, making his pre-match interviews sometimes more of an event than the match itself.

Couldn't happen, could it?

Well, Ali was all that and more.

Clay swings with his left, Clay swings with his right,
Look at young Cassius carry the fight.
Liston keeps backing, but there's not enough room,
It's a matter of time till Clay lowers the boom.
Liston is still rising, now Clay lands with a right,
What a beautiful swing, and the punch raises the Bear clean out of the ring.
Liston is still rising and the ref wears a frown,
For he can't start counting till Sonny goes down.
Now Liston is disappearing from view,
The crowd is going frantic,
But radar stations have picked him up,
Somewhere over the Atlantic.
Who would have thought when they came to the fight?
That they'd witness the launching of a human satellite.
Yes the crowd did not dream, when they put up the money,
That they would see a total eclipse of the Sonny.