Wednesday, February 4


Gather round children. I would like to tell you a mystical story, full of magic and mystery.

Every so often, it gets cold. So cold, that even the rain freezes. Then, by a largely unknown process, it begins to snow!

This seemingly happens at random. Everybody is taken by surprise, so we wake up bleary eyed and think "Jesus Christ!"

Snow is, of course, just some weather. So how come the country has ground to a halt? How come nearly everybody in London is working from home? When did snow become the most important item on the news? It's frozen water for God's sake. Do they have a newsfalsh in Canada every time it snows? Do the Finns exclusively work from home? Has the Icelandic economy stopped...oh, hang on.

One of the most noticeable effects of this 'snow' is it's electromagnetic effect on the engines of cars. This makes the vehicles move at one of two speeds, either a feeble crawl or a balls-out blast into the icy certainty of death. Walking the dog on Monday I overtook 4 cars, before having to leap out of the way of a BMW doing 50 mph sideways down an alleyway.

Teachers have taken the weather more seriously than most. News reports told of schools closed across the nation, so obviously the kids rejoiced. Judging by the news though, most of them went straight to school to stand about a bit and build a snowman. You're off school! Go home!

The joy of the snow has gone now. The slightly frozen water has been replaced with extremely frozen water. Just this morning I had a head on collision with a Peugeot 206. I was OK, because I wasn't in my car. I was out walking the dog again. I might as well have been auditioning for Dancing on Ice, in best Todd Carty fashion.

Bring on the spring, I say.


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