Tuesday, July 7

This is the end, my friend

This is it. After 5 years of fun, laughter and sporadic updates, we're closing this once mighty site down. It'll still be here, at least until Blogger notice this post (and let's face it, they will be one of the 5 or so who will actually read it) and delete the blog altogether.

We've had some great times over the last half-decade. Cakes, booze, parmos, music, sport and grizzly bears breakdancing have all featured. We were even funny, sometimes.

We'd like to thank some people, who helped over the years, or bigged us up elsewhere; Glen off OI, Scribbler off Mercury Vapour for linking to us for years with mixed results, the OI forum for messages of support, we love you all (but not like that, natch).

Thanks to our 'friends' Nathan Paylor, Bruno Tate, everyone we upset in Blackpool when we went. And so many more!

We'll still exist, of course. I can be found on OI ranting about films and telly. Mikey can be found almost exclusively on Xbox Live, and KG can be seen flitting from pub to pub on Southfield Road singing the theme from 'Casualty' at the top of his lungs. Come and see us, we'd love to meet you again!

Bye everyone.


Friday, June 5

KG - A Life in Pictures

Monday, May 25

Football Review

Yeah, OK, it's not actually finished with yet for the big clubs, but for us in the basement it's done and dusted. This is my favourite bits and pieces from the past season, which despite Boro's total incompetence was quite entertaining anyway. Premiership only as well, because I might not get the cnace to type 'Premiership' again for a number of years, barring my job application for Chief Political Editor being accepted by the Times.

These are my favourites, and you will no doubt disagree with some.

Match of the season: For me, it has to be one of the 4-4 draws. But seeing as one left Honest Harry Redknapp smiling like a Cheshire Cat, and the other pretty much knocked the fat Spanish Waiter out of the title race, I know where the prize is going.

If you could go back in time 15 years and tell and Arsenal fan that their team would draw 4 four each at Anfield, they would have laughed you out of the room. But these days, Wenger's football purity program demands attacking invention over all, so Arsenal are the 1970's Total Football of the new millennium, and as such, are incredible to watch at times. For Liverpool, an indication that they're not quite there, and that they are still a 2 man team.

Player of the season: Andrei Arshavin. He's incredible for Russia, we know that, but surely the Premiership will be too strong for him? Nonsense. Strength is more often than not a mental rather than a physical act. His lung-busting 80 yard sprint to receive a killer pass on the break at Anfield showed he was quite able to fit in in this 'rough and tumble' league. Plus, he only played half a season. A true shame that he's at his peak now, and we won't have him for too long.

But why not Ronaldo, Giggs, Gerrard, Torres? It sounds odd, but they just 'do' what they're supposed to 'do', if you understand what I mean. They'll always be there, you expect that, but Arshavin was completely unexpected, the delivery of promise for once, after all the hype.

Laurel and Hardy award for services to comedy: Mike Ashley. Keegan's back, and on the first day he's grabbed a draw that by all accounts could have been a win at Old Trafford. Then his weakened team has slipped a bit, so out he goes. Ashley can't be seen to be in control of a decent side, right? So he gets Joe Kinnear in, who makes his side so nailbiting and ludicrous that eventually his heart gives in. So in comes Shearer, given eight days as the Messiah (after which I assume he will be crucified) to turn things around.

Sadly, it wasn't to be. Sky Sports News organised a day of mourning for 'everyone's second team'. Hearty guffaws were heard around the Sunderland area, but I'm not quite sure what they've got to laugh about.

Calamity of the Year: Plenty of contenders, but they most likely had Garmin writ large on their shirts.

Tactical decision of the year: Boro, needing a win at home to escape the relegation mire, play Blackburn. Gareth Southgate names an attacking line up containing 5, count 'em, 5 centre backs. Boro are delighted with their clean sheet, but unsurprisingly not their failure to get three points.

Most looking forward to next season: The 10,000 strong Golden Mile invasion task force, and then wrecking the place after a bungling 2-1 loss against Blackpool.

Goal of the Season: Wasn't a goal. But if Tuncay had scored, it would have won Goal of the season for the next ten years. The Turk received the ball into feet, back to goal, with Jamie Carragher closing in. Tuncay dug his foot underneath, let the spin on the ball do the work, Carragher was lost in his own little world, but then Reina had to get in the way. Selfish Spanish git that he is.

Sunday, May 24


There are some pretty amazing things on Youtube, but this is one of the best.

Wednesday, May 20

By Special Request

Yeah, so, er, we're (I'm) back, from a short holiday, but a big Wallet break. What have we been up to? Well, I went to Lanzarote for a hiking holiday where I drank some really nice beer and was taunted by Geordies, even though they made it very apparent they hated the Mackems more than they hated Boro.

Mikey and KG went to Krakow, where KG sampled the local delicacy, the Bîg Mæć, and Mikey decided to bring back a fortnight long hangover and become Denis Bergkamp for a bit.

So, anyway, that's about it for now. It's the summer though, eh? So surely we'll be up to summat, filmed in glorious HD by Mikey to go on here or on Youtube or whatever. 

Also, coming soon (too soon) - 30.

Friday, April 10

The Best Song For Ages

Yeah, I know it doesn't fit, but I DON'T CARE because it's THAT GOOD.

Tuesday, March 24

The Appliance of Science

'Boffins come up with the formula for the perfect penalty' raves today's Sun. Let's have a look shall we?

"The SHOT should be 65mph or more."
As I remember, the hardest shot in the Premier League ever was about 85-ish mph, so a 65mph shot would be a fair old whack, wouldn't it?
"This requires a RUN-UP of five to six paces, commencing from the edge of the 18-yard line — approaching the ball at an ANGLE of 20 to 30 degrees."
Yeah OK, so don't bother with Roberto Carlos style 50 yard run ups, you'll be knackered when you get there. Also, don't run straight at the ball, unless you are a genius who can strike the ball with both feet simultaneously.
"And it must CROSS the goal line at exactly 0.5m below crossbar and 0.5m inside either post."
Yeah, like in the top corner then?
"Researchers say the formula promises 100 PERCENT SUCCESS."
Great! So blasting the ball with one foot into the top corner guarantees a goal from a penalty!

Who would have thought it?

Thursday, March 19


Monday, March 2

Best Satda For Literally Ages

Not shown in the clip: KG wrestling a viking after Tuncay's goal.

Sunday, February 22

Great Days

This basically encapsulates that part of my life when I was the world could be whatever I wanted it to be, summer was hot and sweaty, and I was young and free. I'd just left school, exam results weren't in yet so the near future wasn't really defined and I was in full swing of 9-ish weeks off before college started.

This is my defining memory of that summer. Supergrass sweating their way through 'She's So Loose' at Glastonbury, when Britpop was still on the up. It makes me go all tingly inside.

Hippo Bathday!

It's Mikey's birthday! He's 26 today!

However, all is not sweetness and light. His wisdom teeth have decided to impact against his other teeth, which in hindsight doesn't seem very wise at all. He's fighting back though, with his strict Bonjela/Fosters/maltesers diet.

Get well soon!

Friday, February 20


KG (remember him?) messaged me on Facebook, with news of a cricket high score on this. I told him I had 250+ compared with his 150-odd. He instantly went offline. So, er, have a bash, watch your googlies and try not to clip your stump with your ball. 250 to beat. GO!

Then, once your patience has been exhausted, go here and play this. Track and Field for autistics, basically. No high scores, just actually getting anywhere will command the utmost respect.

Monday, February 16

Well Held Son!

Of course, if he touches his foot outside the rope with ball in hand it's a six.

The Beatles

Great list of Beatles tunes and a bloke has ranked them from the worst to the best...in his opinion. I disagree with pretty much all of the first page. Especially Honey Pie second bottom - what the hell!?


Mass Debate: Best Player Ever

Inspired by the BBC's Tim Vickery posting on the BBC Football blog.


Who's yours?

My pick is coming soon.

The Office: USA Style

Excellent stuff.

Sunday, February 15

FAO: The Mother-in-law

Wednesday, February 11

A Day in Manchester - Part 1

Keith: "Mikey?"

Me: "Yeah?"

Keith: "Away, we're out the front in the taxi!"

Not only was it 15 minutes early with an over eager Rob and Keith awaiting my arrival, I was mid teeth cleaning and this was 6.45am. I haven't seen 6.45am for a long long time. So, no time for breakfast either which meant starting the day with a bag of Salt and Vinegar crisps, a Yorkie and a Capri Sun bought at the station....healthier than usual I suppose!! We picked up Chris and the four of us arrived at Middlesbrough station in plenty of time.

The train arrived on time and "Pssst!", the first cans of the day were opened. Lager at this time of the day is bad news and not highly recommended. Gets you going though and in the mood.

It was an epic train journey with a lot of very quiet passengers all disbelieving the early start and a fair few fellow Boro fans enjoying their first beers of the day. 

Now Rob also bought a Yorkie, which went walkabout when he went for a piss. "Enjoy your Yorkie Rob?" Winding up Rob had started!!

He eventually found it though and saved a piece to send off in the free post envelop for Pabo, the sexy underwear company! He carried this right up until we got on the tram in Manchester.

Some weird people get on trains, and not just us, a couple got on at, I think, Northallerton. For a good ten minutes they traipsed up and down each carriage looking for their seats, which they did, at one point, find and sit in. They then got out of them and carried on traipsing up and down again before coming back and sitting in the same seats! 

The funniest moment though, had to be poor Rob, dazed and confused from his missing Yorkie, trying to down his can of Fosters without it actually being open!

We arrived in Manchester just before 10am, and navigated our way to the tram/metro stop confident that we were in the right spot for the tram to Shudehill/Printworks. 

Now on the tram is a circular hingeto allow the tram to bend or, as we rechristened it, the revolving dance floor! I set off with some Travolta-like moves before cracking my head off the iron rail above my head that I hadn't noticed!! It hurt actually.

Lloyds was the destination and as we arrived, the barman was literally unbolting the front door. Perfect timing.

Pints all round, a go on the fruity and then as we sat down in the corner poor Rob ripped his jeans on a protruding screw on his chair!! 

Hunger set in after our journey breakfasts were ordered. I went for a customised breakfast sandwich with an egg swapped for sausage. The french bloke, Frank Quedrue-esque, reckoned the chef couldn't manage this so I went for one baguette of sausage and one for bacon. This only got funny when the waiter arrived with our grub.

"Sausage baguette?"

Me: "Yep."

"And a bacon baguette?"

Me: "Yep".

Keith: "Fucking hell Mikey, you fat cunt!"

Me: "Speak to Frenchie over there!"

Now we were mid way through maybe our second or third pint when the weirdest bloke in Manchester arrived. A great big bald bloke with a beard who, unfortunately, caught my eye. He mumbled in what I thought was a Scottish accent...

"I must apologise, cannot breathe it is because of my hormones."

I said nothing and just raised an eyebrow.

At the lack of response he went over to a table of girls a few yards away and said the same thing.

"Can I call you an ambulance love?"

"No, no please don't."

"Well do you want a cigarette?"

"Oh yesh please."

Eh? He couldn't breathe a minute ago. What a strange geezer.

As he disappeared for a fag a waitress brought over a coffee for the strange bloke, who'd left what looked all of his belongings at a table next to us.

And it stood there forever. We thought he'd either died, left a bomb, forgotten where he was or was just a mentalist.

And it still stood there. 

"Shall we spit in it?"

"Oh  hang on here is now....ere mate, your coffee is gonna be freezing."

"Hey guys, you know you don't understand circumstances, I am from Eastern European." (Seems I was way off with my accent recognition!)

"I dunno mate, Grangetown is pretty rough!!"

Anyway, I disappeared off for a wizzle and returned to find my chair had been vandalised with 


"Right drink up lads, lets get out of this hell hole and find a taxi for the stadium."

And away we went!

Part 2 soon.

Brush Strokes

We've had the decorators in! What do you think, oh loyal userbase?

Sunday, February 8

Dream Team

Concerned that this site is beginning to look like a long list of Dream Team scores?

Sick of seeing Gumma coming first? 

Yeah, well so is his Mrs!!

Yes? I am too so I've moved it to this site now and all scores, transfer news etc. will appear

Coming Soon

A full on 'old school' write up of the trip to Manchester for the City vs. Boro game. Yeah, we lost 1-0 but it was worth it just for the Robinho songs, 7.30am lagers, Big Brother auditions and a scar that looks like an 80 year olds arse.

Dream Team

1st Gumma 1059pts

2nd KG 1052pts
3rd Mikey 944pts
4th JBH 898pts
5th Pete 876pts
6th KG Snr 776pts
7th Joanne 770pts
8th Chris 696pts

Wednesday, February 4


Gather round children. I would like to tell you a mystical story, full of magic and mystery.

Every so often, it gets cold. So cold, that even the rain freezes. Then, by a largely unknown process, it begins to snow!

This seemingly happens at random. Everybody is taken by surprise, so we wake up bleary eyed and think "Jesus Christ!"

Snow is, of course, just some weather. So how come the country has ground to a halt? How come nearly everybody in London is working from home? When did snow become the most important item on the news? It's frozen water for God's sake. Do they have a newsfalsh in Canada every time it snows? Do the Finns exclusively work from home? Has the Icelandic economy stopped...oh, hang on.

One of the most noticeable effects of this 'snow' is it's electromagnetic effect on the engines of cars. This makes the vehicles move at one of two speeds, either a feeble crawl or a balls-out blast into the icy certainty of death. Walking the dog on Monday I overtook 4 cars, before having to leap out of the way of a BMW doing 50 mph sideways down an alleyway.

Teachers have taken the weather more seriously than most. News reports told of schools closed across the nation, so obviously the kids rejoiced. Judging by the news though, most of them went straight to school to stand about a bit and build a snowman. You're off school! Go home!

The joy of the snow has gone now. The slightly frozen water has been replaced with extremely frozen water. Just this morning I had a head on collision with a Peugeot 206. I was OK, because I wasn't in my car. I was out walking the dog again. I might as well have been auditioning for Dancing on Ice, in best Todd Carty fashion.

Bring on the spring, I say.

Tuesday, February 3

Line Dancing

Apparently, we'll be line dancing soon. I am impossibly worried. How do you do it?

I assume it's a matter of practice makes perfect, but we'll have had no practice. Line dancing is usually performed by the elderly and Americans, but mostly by elderly Americans. This should make it nice and easy to pick up, but judging by the difficulty we've had in finding the correct clothing it seems to be an underground hobby like acid house, or felching.

Luckily, I'll have a head start. You see, when i was young, I was a part of the Cleveland County Country Dancing championship team. Those heady days on Ravensworth School's field in the hot sun, being swung round by a partner twice my height and 3 times my weight (she was hardly a looker), leading to me being the first person in the world to win a competition involuntarily.

We'll have photos, natch. Mikey will pick it up straight away, as he does, whereas I'll get bored after a while and slope off to the bar. That's my attention span gone and er, er....

A Moral Dilemma

So we're thinking of doing something with the Wallet. Like restarting it, rebuilding it, whatever. We've had some ideas, but maybe they won't come to fruition. I think we're a bit sick of seeing fantasy football scores every time we come on it, and it might be scaring both of our readers off.

So what to do? Build a site from scratch? Well, hey, that takes time, talent and temperament, three things of which we share little. Can someone explain the difference between wordpress and blogger? 

Our basic aim is to become the Middlesbrough pisshead equivalent of Top Gear, but on the net. Any help would be more than gratefully received.

Saturday, January 31


Joined Twitter but have one follower. Follow me, i'm dead interesting me. Honest.

Sunday, January 18


Imagine this going down in Boro...

Saturday, January 17


The greatest thing ever.

Sunday, January 11

Why Guitar Hero Exists

Bear with it.

A Youtube Story

Got an e-mail through today. As follows...

Dear kingchief1000,

Video Disabled.

A copyright owner has claimed it owns some or all of the audio content in your video Redcar 8-12-07. The audio content identified in your video is Rock And Roll by Led Zeppelin. We regret to inform you that your video has been blocked from playback due to a music rights issue.Replace Your Audio with AudioSwap. Don't worry, we have plenty of music available for your use. Please visit our AudioSwap library to learn how you can easily replace the audio in your video with any track from our growing library of fully licensed songs.

If you think there's been a mistake, or you have other questions, please visit the Copyright Notice page in your account.


The YouTube Content Identification Team

I was a litle bit miffed with this as you can imagine as I quite like the big Led Zeppelin sound track of this video. It was one of my favourites!

In fact it goes like this if you can't remember.

Well, that is actually a tribute band doing a Led Zeppelin song probably without copyright clearance. Lets see if they have to change their Audiotrack.

Now as you saw earlier, the e-mail told me not to worry, because there was plenty of music available in their library to use.

It actually turns out there isn't much there. Well that's of any use anyway.

So, we now have our night out video from Redcar in December 2007 with the soundtrack of...

The Young Werewolves and Curse of the Cocaine Mummies.

And it sounds like this!

Oh wait, it doesn't sound like anything. It's silent. That worked well didn't it! 


It tells me that any can be changed though. So, I am thinking I might upload a video with two different soundtracks (if they do work) to see if they take on a different meaning - what do we think?

Friday, January 9

I'm only jealous but...

...fuck me. 

Ulrika Johnson is allegedly getting £175k for her appearance in Celebrity Big Brother and she'll probably get the boot tonight. 6 and a bit days sat about in a house doing sweet fuck all. So, so very jealous.

Thursday, January 8

The Gaza Strip

Wednesday, January 7

The Best Thing I Watched Last Night

Anyone else caught of any of the Prog Rock stuff on BBC4?

Just me eh!


5 months ago: "I'm very thrilled and excited to have been given the opportunity to captain England."

Quality player turns his back on his home nation to play for us, maybe the most exciting batsman of the last 10 years, and now he's captain! What can go wrong?

Today: "Stick ya job up ya arse."

Fuck you then, you springbok cunt.

Tuesday, January 6

The Best Thing I Watched All Xmas

Are You Missing Woolworths?

I'm not. 

Inspired by a convo some of us lot had in the taxi on the way to Redcar with an old geezer (most of his family had just lost a job at Woolworths by the sound of it so yeah, it was a cheery ride to the seaside!).

What other old shops do you remember/miss?

Saturday, January 3

Jeremy Clarkson - Faker

I happened to turn Dave on earlier (Dave who!?) to find Jeremy Clarkson of Top Gear fame whizzing along on a moped in Vietnam. Was it a repeat of the recent fantastic episode of Top Gear?


This was on Jeremy Clarkson's Motorworld which was filmed in...1995??!

Friday, January 2

Happy New Year

And that.

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