Monday, September 29

What's next for Newcastle?

October: Living up to reports, a last minute deal takes place, selling the club for a cut price £100m, 42 replica shirts and 4 warm pints of lager. The new owners are Nigerian businessmen, who all lost their fathers in horrendous air crashes. It turns out they did have millions to put in your bank account after all.

November: Joe Kinnear is sacked as Newcastle boss, with the Toon second bottom of the Premiership.Only Tottenham lie below them, after taking just 1 point from a possible 30. Rumours are rife that Alan Shearer will take the helm, but the man himself tells Toon fans that he is 'not interested in that bag of shite, for fuck's sake'. Sales of Shearer shirts double overnight.

December: The Nigerian board tell the world they've got their man. A former England captain, with experience of managing a big name side and a proven track record in bringing in the world's finest players. Newcastle fans are less than impressed when Bryan Robson is unveiled.

January: Newcastle are knocked out of the FA Cup in front of their own fans by Shotton Colliery Welfare, who win 3-0 even though they had a man sent off. The transfer window re-opens, and the Toon invest in Branco and Clayton Blackmore. Newcastle win 1-0 at Middlesbrough, despite not touching the ball for 35 minutes, thanks to a late Nicky Butt penalty. Pogatetz is sent off for murdering the fourth official.

February: Michael Owen is ruled out for the remainder of the season, suffering from a 'bit of a dicky tummy'. Joey Barton returns to the first team after his community service, and scores a late equaliser at Fulham. He is then sent off for brawling with a corner flag. The flag inflicts several large bruises on Barton's face.

March: Newcastle lose 3-0 against an inspired Wigan side, Titus Bramble scoring a hat-trick. Toon fans still claim he isn't good enough to wear the black and white shirt. The papers are alight with rumours of a transfer spectacular on Tyneside, with the new chairman being overheard mentioning Kaka's name. It seems he was actaully just describing the club in general.

April: The Toon win all of their games this month. April Fool!

May: Newcastle are saved by a last minute legal reprieve, even though technically they have been relegated. The European court of sports arbitration recognises that they are 'everyone's second team', and therefore should remain in the Premiership for the good of football. Fourth bottom Middlesbrough are relegated.

Saturday, September 27

Dream Team

1st JBH 195pts
2nd KG 191pts
3rd Pete 188pts
4th Gumma 166pts
5th KG senior 160pts
6th Chris 153pts
7th Joanne 138pts
8th Mikey 134pts

Saturday, September 20

Dream Team

1st Pete 170pts
2nd KG 164pts
3rd JBH 163pts
4th KG senior 140pts
5th Chris 136pts
6th Mikey 118pts
7th Gumma 113pts
8th Jo 108pts

Thursday, September 11

My Left Foot

(Well, actually my right foot, but that's not a film, is it?)

Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to tell you a tale of justice, pain and sadness.

Sat in Portugal, in our room, after a hazy afternoon of drinking beer and larking in the pool, myself and the missus decided to catch up on events back home. It was six o'clock, so on went the news.

And by God, look what happens while I'm away! Most of the UK is underwater, Wales has floating sheep, Morpeth has floating VW Passats and York has floating caravans (nearly). "Hah!" I laughed, scratching my burnt, manly chest, "Check that out! They've got that and we've got burning sunshine!"

Next up was the paralympics. In a sober light, I can see these brave people facing up to their disabilities with a stiff upper lip, more than I could manage in a similar situation. But with 4 pints of Si-Si-Si-San Miguel in me, watching a one legged man on a bike was literally hilarious. "Hah!" I laughed, sizing up my two healthy legs and feet, "Check that out! He's got one and I've got two!"

Sadly, God heard this. He was pretty pissed off.

"Right, I'm going in the shower." I said. The wife replied that she would like to go in the bath first, so she had time to straighten her luxurious hair afterwards, whilst I was showering my sunburnt pair of working legs.

I agreed. Off she went. I decided to take in some fresh air, and try and catch some of the sounds of the nearby bullfight. Unfortunately, God had decided to sprinkle the balcony tiles with rain. It being dark, I didn't see this, until I was laid arse first in it. My left foot skidded out in front of me, and my right leg collapsed under the weight of my body and 4 pints of Si-Si-Si-San Miguel. My foot landed upside down on the door stop, and my arse and body landed on top of my foot.

It hurt. A lot.

After shouting for assistance, only to be met with the cry "What the fuck have you broken now?" I managed to gingerly pick myself up. I thought I'd broken my foot. I may still have. Next morning, I awoke with a huge black go-faster stripe of a bruise, and various twists and sprains. I still ache now.

I'm facing up to my disability with a stiff upper lip, but doubt I could lap a velodrome in under 20 seconds, like the one legged chap did.

So, as John Lennon might have said:
Instant karmas gonna get you
Gonna knock you right on your arse

Saturday, September 6

Dream Team

1st Pete 114pts
2nd KG Senior 105pts
3rd Chris 102pts
4th JBH 101pts
5th Mikey 73pts
6th Joanne 51pts
7th KG 51pts
8th Gumma 50pts

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