Tuesday, July 15

Brighton Port Authority - ToeJam

Fatboy Slim/David Byrne/Dizzee Rascal, innit. Seriously clever video.

Monday, July 7

Songs Of Praise - With Subtitles

From Adam Buxton, once of Adam and Joe fame:

Saturday, July 5

Astonishing Stupidity

Setanta Sports News, in these slow sports news months, have come up with a cheap screen filler. At the bottom, instead of 'news', comes the texted opinions of football fans. Of course, as we all know, the general public are fucking idiots.

Amongst the general fuckwittery come texts from Liverpool fans. They are insightful and sensible as you would expect from FOOTBALL'S BEST FANS TM.

"Liverpool should buy Ade Akinbiyi and Trevor Sinclair, they would compliment the current squad and be cheap as they are over 30."

"Rafa why haven't you bought Ronaldo yet get in there now he would be wikkid."

Both genuine, sadly. I presume the first one was a wind up by Everton fans, but the second one was most likely the typical sort of Scouse imbecile who thinks that Liverpool are the biggest team in the world, despite having not won the league for nearly twenty years.

I can't wait for the season to start, but would prefer it if Liverpool never played again.

Friday, July 4

The Greatest Sports Day Ever

I'm walking past MIMA at lunch time and there's a bunch of wee kiddie's all sitting about and there on the grass is, badminton nets, table tennis tables, a boxing ring and get this, a fucking pole vault!

What happened to white lines and grass? Or are most kids doing that every dinner time now?

Wednesday, July 2

What The Internet Is For

It was quiet, most people had left the office and a few of us remained. I started to whistle/hum a tune. I don't know where it came from, don't know what it was but I'd heard it before and so had others.

Colleague 1: "What is that?"

Me: "I dunno, but it's gonna torture me till I find out."

C1: "It's a theme tune isn't it?"

Me: "I think you're right."

Colleague 2 joins in: "Yep, deffo a theme tune. The Upper Hand?"

C1: "Nah , don't think so."

Me: "have you still got sound on your PC?"

C1: "Yeah."

Me: "Right let's get on Youtube. Search for upper hand theme tune"



Me: "The Upper Hand? Miles away."

C2: "Erm, Yes Minister?"

Me: "Shut up!"

C1: "Come on Mike, this is bugging me now, maybe it was a game show?"

Me: "Nah, actually tell you what to try. Go on Google."

C1: "Yep."

Me: "Space bar melody. Me mate was on about this the other day. Apparently you tap in the melody and it recognises the song."

He googles it.

C1: "Songtapper.com?"

Me: "Try it."

Jackpot.

So he taps away the tune and we gather round the monitor...it loads for a while and we wait with baited breath....

All: "Terry and June!!!"



And that is why the internet is brilliant.

Tuesday, July 1

Glastonbury 08

Whilst knocking out stuff for this esteemed tome, I've searched for the blog that would appeal to (almost) everyone. And hey, here it is!

It has:

Zane Lowe, over enthusiastic Radio 1 lapdog for the indie kids!
Britpop, for KG!
AC/DC, for Mikey!
Hip Hop, for Phil!
A threatening black man shouting stuff, for me!



Oh, and this, for the more elderly rockers amongst us. Mikey. Again.

Being Put On Hold

Now that is annoying. But without hold music? Jesus, that's just torture.

Anyway, I had £80 go missing the other day and it still hasn't come back. Mind you the kid who lives down the end of my street has got some really smart new trainers.

I phones the bank.

Apparently my call is important to them, but, not important enough for them to answer me until 25 minutes had gone by. 25 long, slow,torturous minutes of just ringing or silence. I then spends 10 mins explaining it all only to hear...

"Oh sorry Mr Heaney, you'll need to go into your branch to see about that."

I could almost hear her laughing and high fiving her colleagues as I hung up. Slag.

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