Monday, June 30

He's Going To Fit Right In

Boro target Didier Digard on his club Paris St Germain holding up his move to the Riverside...

"This club is doing my head in."

Saturday, June 28

Empire

The nightclub in Middlesbrough.

You owe me two ears. Fucking hell, how loud?!

Thursday, June 26

Fancy Dress

I'm gonna be invited to a 30th in September (says who?).

It's fancy dress with a nostalgia theme - "Come as something with some sort of nostalgic type theme from the last 30 years!!" is how I imagine the invite will look.

So, what the chuff can I go as? Ideas in the comments box please!

I'm currently favouring Run DMC...

Wednesday, June 25

Sir Robert Mugabe

I see the Queen is asking for his honorary knighthood back. I bet he's gutted.

So, Zimbabwe has all gone a bit tits up then eh?

So the hot topic at PMQs in the House of Commons today - "You can fuck off if you think you're playing cricket with us!" Bit harsh don't you think?

Tuesday, June 24

As if life couldn't get any better...

BBC NEWS | Entertainment | McFly announce new album giveaway

Heroes of the Wallet #6 - Tony Rolt

Who? You might well ask. But you know those 'boys-own' stories of racing cars and POW camp escapes? That was Tony Rolt's life, that was.

Sadly, Major Rolt passed away in February this year. Here's his obituary from the Times, detailing a truly great man who should be a hero to us all.

Monday, June 23

Cricket

With Italy's exit from Euro 2008, my summer of sport looks finished, at least until August, and the resumption of hostilities in the league. Yeah, OK, Wimbledon has started, but Tennis isn't really a sport, is it? It's just a game to see who can use Persil the most efficiently.

There's cricket as well, but that seems like a side-show compared to the money talk going round at the moment. While the million quid a game 20-20 matches will be sensational, you can see that the players aren't launching themselves whole heartedly into the current test series, and why should they? There was a story recently that for winning the second test against NZ, the England players received £500 and their expenses. Big deal.

As if to compound the problem, the MCC, cricket's governing body, decided to live up to all of the 'stuffy old man' stereotypes. Kevin Pietersen invented a 'new' shot, which in a sport with a near 200 year history is quite a big deal. Changing hands mid-delivery, and the slogging the ball away for 6, Pietersen showed bowlers the world over that the game had changed.

The MCC though, decided it shouldn't. If the bowler has to declare a change of bowling side, then the batsman should as well. It shouldn't be allowed. It's like FIFA trying to ban the Cryuff turn after one too many Swedish left backs were left on their arses.

It remains to be seen which way cricket will go, if it will encourage action and invention, or if the MCC will stamp down on new ideas to keep test cricket as the flagship form of the game. I for one can't wait for the 20-20 games with the big money, but I'm just as excited for the Ashes next year. Cricket is sat in a very strong position, more so than football maybe, let's just hope they don't blow it.

Friday, June 20

OMG

OMFG!

Thursday, June 19

Some things I would like to do this summer

  • Go camping
  • Go fishing
  • Have a mass 18-a-side game of footy like when I was a kid
  • See the sun for more than one day at a time
  • Play golf

Shit post, I know, anything else I should be doing users?

Wednesday, June 18

Tuesday is Man-Day

Last night, myself and KG went to the club to watch the football. This was a manly thing to do. I came home from work, having asked the boys if they were coming with me (only KG was), I had my tea, and then a shit/shower/shampoo/shave, and then met KG at the bottom of the road.

We had a bet. We went to the club and spoke with the blokes about racing and football, and played snooker and drank pints. We complained about the loud music from upstairs, and joined in the hard stares whenever someone used the bar toilets, which were really our toilets.

It was brilliant.

So, from now on, I declare Tuesdays to be Man-Days, so go and do a manly thing, and tell us about it here. We could make flyers and a Myspace and a Facebook thing. Lets make Tuesdays worth having again!

Monday, June 16

Almost made my list

These were some I had lined up as Guilty Pleasures...

Crazy Horses - The Osmonds
Living La Vida Loca - Ricky Martin
SOS - ABBA
Stop - Spice Girls
Thing's Can Only Get Better - D:Ream
Pretty Fly (For a White Guy) - The Offspring

And this...



But I have since decided it is one of the best songs ever and surely everyone must agree.

Sunday, June 15

Guilty Pleasures - Track 10

And finally, Sweet Talking Woman - ELO



As a 28 year old, interested in techno and house music, I have no real right to like this. But I fucking love it.

Some songs that failed, but I still love:

My Prerogative - Bobby Brown
Ride On Time - Black Box
I'm Not In Love - 10CC
Tiny Dancer - Elton John
Barcelona - Freddie Mercury/Monserrat Caballé
Two Hearts - Phil Collins
19 - Paul Hardcastle

...and many more.

Guilty Pleasures - Track 9

Let Martha Reeves and the Vandellas explain...

Saturday, June 14

Guilty Pleasures - Track 8

Red Light Spells Danger - Billy Ocean



From the singer of "When the going gets tough" comes maybe the best song ever. Sorry about the video, but the real video isn't on youtube, surprisingly.

Friday, June 13

Guilty Pleasures - Track 7

"Its on an advert."

"An advert?"

"Yeah, i can't remember what, think it's an energy company."

It was Twix.

It knocked Penny Lane off the top spot in 1967.

It was The Turtles.

It was So Happy Together.

It is brilliant.



I think the general theme of my guilty pleasures has emerged - I'm into powerful, huge sounding songs and this is as powerful as it gets when the chorus kicks in. That is some wall of sound right there.

But the lyrics are pretty heartbreaking if you take the interpretation of one bloke when I google it...he thinks its about a guy who is so in love with this woman, and hopes that if he calls she will profess her love for him, fate will bring them together and the world will be alright...but, when it comes down to it, all he can muster is "So, how is the weather?"

But I think "So, how is weather?" is a call back to the line "When you're with me, the skies will be blue." and he is kind of saying, "I told you so!"

Enjoy.

Thursday, June 12

"Amazing Scenes"

Sorry to interrupt the guilty pleasures, but you have to see these awesome photos from the Switzerland - Turkey match.

Guilty Pleasures - Track 6

Bananarama - Cruel Summer



A perfect girl-group pop song that's about summer but not summer-y, complete with Dukes of Hazzard style video. How can it go wrong?

Oh, and still would.

Guilty Pleasures - Track 5



Press play, sit back, relax and enjoy one of the finest songs ever written.

Absolute perfection - written by Gamble and Huff (who went on to produce the Jacksons), this was a hit way back in the 70's.

This is my favourite version though. Yes, that is Jimmy Sommerville of Bronski Beat fame singing the high bits.

As for the music, the brass after each line in the chorus "...desire for you!" is immense, the wobble board effect on the drums and the huge piano sound at around the 2.22 mark - how good does that sound?

No. 1 for four weeks in Spetember 1986. Still brilliant today.

Even in Chicago Rock Cafe.

Wednesday, June 11

Guilty Pleasures - Track 4

If you leave me now - Chicago



When you listen to it, pretend that the singer is a man (which he is, natch), increasingly desperate for one more chance from the love of his life. Then pretend that the music is his long suffering partner, laid back, seen it all before, finally had enough.

At the end, when the pleas reach a crescendo but the music remains thoughtful, this tells a story and shows emotions that could only be matched by the finest of writers.

Beautiful.

Guilty Pleasures - Track 3

The Donovan. It's colossal. His voice, the words and that bass line...ouch. Stock, Aitken and Waterman at their peak here and smashed in at number 1 in March 89.

Too Many Broken Hearts



Jase, you broke my heart when you stopped releasing classics like this.

Tuesday, June 10

Guilty Pleasures - Track 2

Lay All Your Love On Me - ABBA



ABBA invented French House before the French did. When ABBA invented French House, there was no house of any nationality. When it came to knocking out world class repetitive beats, Benny and Bjorn had no equal. With some vocal hooks and suspect lyrics ladled over the top, a modern classic was bjorn (born).

Guilty Pleasures Track 1

Well, Pete and me got talking about this last night...songs you love but don't admit too. How hard was this?! Very. I'm not afraid to say I love some pretty dodgy music so here's my track 1...

East 17 - House of Love



How good? It's mega!! Raw power and energy and how good is that "Not bothered about your colour" hook? Plus the nice, gentle reminder that you have never run yourself over like Brian Harvey.

Monday, June 9

Genius

Sunday, June 8

Bg Brother

I was going to do a review of the new contestants, but I couldn't be bothered to type the word 'cunt' 16 times.

The blind one though, has really wound me up. By losing the sense of sight, his senses have compensated by making him SHOUT EVERYTHING IN HIS ANNOYING FUCKING SCOTTISH ACCENT.

Still watching it though, natch. It makes me feel really intelligent.

EDIT: Just watching it now, and the blind guy was dressing up as a bunny girl, which involved him removing his undies. I asked Joanne if she thought he could see out of his jap's eye.

Stuff and That

Here's a (hopefully weekly) bit of stuff that's caught my eye this week.

Brave or stupid...?



Debut Album

1 - Go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to Random quotations: http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

If you want to do this again, you'll hit refresh to generate new quotes, because clicking the quotes link again will just give you the same quotes over and over again.

3 - Go to flickr's "explore the last seven days" http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

Put it all together, that's your debut album.

Here's mine!!

Band name: 1909 Alekhin

Album name: Out Of The Business

Album cover: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jwoodphoto/2546747182/

Gazza

Gazza is having a bit of a mare at the moment, so let's laugh at some funny stuff he did!

http://fansonline.net/middlesbrough/mb/view.php?id=164487

More Yo! Gabba Gabba

Genius...



Jamstudio

This is pretty good for the musicians amongst you, like me...

http://www.jamstudio.com/Studio/index.htm

Knicker Picker

Hours of fun!!!

http://www.knickerpicker.com/dressing-room.asp

The Apprentice

Limmy's blog has a good bit about the Apprentice, Claire's gonna win apparently...

http://www.limmy.com/blog/?p=644

100 best movie posters of all time

Some of these are asbolutely brilliant, have a look...

http://www.tccandler.com/columns/100_greatest_movie_posters.htm?=rss

Saturday, June 7

The Best Bit in the Papers Today

If not ever:

10 reasons to be cheerful about Euro 2008:

8. The stretcher-bearers

Traditionally ineffable and flummoxed and featuring two people, one of whom is at least three-feet taller than the other. Last time around a pair of moustachioed Portuguese had to attempt to fit the mighty Jan Koller on to their stretcher. It was like watching the Chuckle Brothers load a giant squid on to a hostess trolley.

Friday, June 6

B3ta, natch.

Thursday, June 5

Tsk, Kids These Days, Eh?

When I were a lad, and all this round here was fields, children's TV amounted to some dodgy cartoons, a street with some pigeons on it, and cross-dressing Mr Benn.

Nowadays, the kids are luckier. On Nick Jr, they have something called Yo Gabba Gabba!, and it is the televisual equivalent of crack cocaine.



It's as if the BBC decided to make TeleTubbies, but let the Beastie Boys loose on it instead of some YTS media studies twat. Yo Gabba Gabba! makes use of raps, beatboxing, funky French house and the worlds catchiest songs.

The chap below, in the video, is Biz Markie. For the Urbanly challenged amongst you (Mikey, I'm looking at you), Biz Markie is a legendary hip-hop artist, and has been sampled and guested on the Beastie Boys albums. On Yo Gabba Gabba! he teaches kids to beatbox. Natch.



Don't watch this though. It's for kids. Or is it? No, of course it isn't. It's just an excuse to show off, like Sesame Street, and the aforementioned TeleTubbies, it's just an ultra-cool design company that had to make a kid's TV show. More of the same, please.

Wednesday, June 4

Wii Fit

Jesus Christ, how hard is yoga? Dhalsim made it look so, so easy. I did some sort of bending over thingy, just to get a look at the demonstrator's arse, but ended up nearly snapping my spine in 2.

As for step aerobics, seeing as I have virtually no co-ordination, added to the fact that the dog always wants to join in, means that Joanne always has fits of giggles when watching.

Also, my weight seems to bounce around almost as much as my tits, and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's to do with my full bladder. The Wii Board thingy seems to though, the smug little shit. It's about 2 weeks away from going out of the window.

Tuesday, June 3

Heroes of the Wallet #5 - Muhammad Ali

**WARNING** This bit contains a really clumsy metaphor, guaranteed to annoy. Sorry, but I think you know what I'm getting at.

--------------------------------

Imagine that Steven Gerrard was liked by all fans, regardless of the fact that he plays for Liverpool, or that he's a scouser. The club and place of birth matter to no-one, and he is universally loved. And then, imagine if he went into a Champions League final against finest midfielder of his generation, and totally dominated him.

And then, imagine if he went and threw his Champions League winner's medal in the Mersey because he was turned away from a nightclub because he was a scouser. And imagine that, when interviewed before matches he would recite a rhyme he had manufactured himself, making his pre-match interviews sometimes more of an event than the match itself.

Couldn't happen, could it?

Well, Ali was all that and more.




Clay swings with his left, Clay swings with his right,
Look at young Cassius carry the fight.
Liston keeps backing, but there's not enough room,
It's a matter of time till Clay lowers the boom.
Liston is still rising, now Clay lands with a right,
What a beautiful swing, and the punch raises the Bear clean out of the ring.
Liston is still rising and the ref wears a frown,
For he can't start counting till Sonny goes down.
Now Liston is disappearing from view,
The crowd is going frantic,
But radar stations have picked him up,
Somewhere over the Atlantic.
Who would have thought when they came to the fight?
That they'd witness the launching of a human satellite.
Yes the crowd did not dream, when they put up the money,
That they would see a total eclipse of the Sonny.

Monday, June 2

A Man in a Fake Beard

I didn't watch Eurovision the other week, I was too busy being not let into nightclubs and wondering how a man walking around a city centre in just some speedos didn't end with a) glass in his feet and b) his face intact. Also, I'm not gay.

If I did watch it, I certainly wouldn't have done the supposed popular thing of having a 'Eurovision Party'. You know, where all of your friends come dressed as a stereotypical representation of their allocated country, and someone misses the point entirely and comes dressed as a turkey.

The UK entry was awful. But of course it was, we sent a bin-man, and no matter how sharp the suit, a bin-man will always deal with rubbish. The winning Russian entry was by Dima Bilan, who is Moscow's answer to Robbie Williams.

France, however, sent Sebastien Tellier. Tellier is known mostly for his beautiful, atmospheric chill out music. His last album was produced by Guy Manuel de Homem Christo, who is one half of Daft Punk. He couldn't be more cool if he doused himself with icy water.

So why did he go to Eurovision? God knows. But his song was quite catchy, have a listen below. The video isn't up to much though. If I wanted to see a chubby white bloke with comedy facial hair, I'd just go and look in the mirror.

Sunday, June 1

Middlesbrough Music Live Review

Well, me and KG were only there for a little bit but here goes...

We watched the Wildcats of Kilkenny. They weren't particularly wild and didn't appear to be from Kilkenny...far too many Teesside references.

The Scruffy Cats From Park End, I guess, doesn't sound as good.

A marvellous rendition of Boro's "E I O" and Pigbag had the few hundred gathered youths jumping in unison, throwing lager everywhere and enjoying themselves.

Nevertheless, it was nowhere near loud enough. I want to have to wait until a song is finished to be able to talk to someone not feel like I'm in Asda with their Best of tape on.

The youth of today. What is going on? Honestly where the hell do they all come from? Thousand's of them, almost like a Zulu remake but sadly, without the gun.

Clothes, hair, skin colour - I saw about 17 potential jaundice victims, they just looked seriously ill. Though for every five atrocities there was an absolute stunner.

The lager was excellent but at £2.80 a pint even I would be struggling to get mashed on that. But no, not the Grove Hill posse..."Away, am going down the mosh pit me, cause havoc an that!! Wooh!"

"Ere Danno wait for me." says his pregnant girlfriend.

I had a little celebrity run in as well. As we were leaving the steel Auschwitz esque fence, Tim Wheeler, who I recognised as being only, "That gadgie from Ash." when I first saw him (I googled him later) was being told by security to basically go about eight miles away.

As we followed him back to KG's car, muttering things like, "Is that Mark RamprakASH?" I kept thinking why is he walking towards the Riverside? The stage is back that way mate! If only I had known his name. Maybe I could have directed him in the right direction and received a signed guitar off him?

Funniest bit? The 60 year old with a beard, mega leather jacket and pyjama bottoms or the spastic who had dyed his hair pink and his lip pierced to take the attention away from his gammy legs.

Sorry

Didn't post yesterday due to blazing sunshine/barbeque/booze. However, this morning, in better news, my Xbox 360 has decided that its 'red ring of death' wasn't as terminal as Microsoft make out. So, this morning, I was back into the world of GTAIV, and all was well again.

20 Questions

Or about 400...until we got to the final stages...

Jo: Are you quite big?

Me: Yep.

Jo: Are you hairy?

Me: Yep!

Jo: Do you make a weird noise when you talk?

Me: Yep!! Jo, I think you've got it!!!

Jo:............are you George of the Jungle?

I was Chewbacca. Rarrr.

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