Monday, September 29

What's next for Newcastle?

October: Living up to reports, a last minute deal takes place, selling the club for a cut price £100m, 42 replica shirts and 4 warm pints of lager. The new owners are Nigerian businessmen, who all lost their fathers in horrendous air crashes. It turns out they did have millions to put in your bank account after all.

November: Joe Kinnear is sacked as Newcastle boss, with the Toon second bottom of the Premiership.Only Tottenham lie below them, after taking just 1 point from a possible 30. Rumours are rife that Alan Shearer will take the helm, but the man himself tells Toon fans that he is 'not interested in that bag of shite, for fuck's sake'. Sales of Shearer shirts double overnight.

December: The Nigerian board tell the world they've got their man. A former England captain, with experience of managing a big name side and a proven track record in bringing in the world's finest players. Newcastle fans are less than impressed when Bryan Robson is unveiled.

January: Newcastle are knocked out of the FA Cup in front of their own fans by Shotton Colliery Welfare, who win 3-0 even though they had a man sent off. The transfer window re-opens, and the Toon invest in Branco and Clayton Blackmore. Newcastle win 1-0 at Middlesbrough, despite not touching the ball for 35 minutes, thanks to a late Nicky Butt penalty. Pogatetz is sent off for murdering the fourth official.

February: Michael Owen is ruled out for the remainder of the season, suffering from a 'bit of a dicky tummy'. Joey Barton returns to the first team after his community service, and scores a late equaliser at Fulham. He is then sent off for brawling with a corner flag. The flag inflicts several large bruises on Barton's face.

March: Newcastle lose 3-0 against an inspired Wigan side, Titus Bramble scoring a hat-trick. Toon fans still claim he isn't good enough to wear the black and white shirt. The papers are alight with rumours of a transfer spectacular on Tyneside, with the new chairman being overheard mentioning Kaka's name. It seems he was actaully just describing the club in general.

April: The Toon win all of their games this month. April Fool!

May: Newcastle are saved by a last minute legal reprieve, even though technically they have been relegated. The European court of sports arbitration recognises that they are 'everyone's second team', and therefore should remain in the Premiership for the good of football. Fourth bottom Middlesbrough are relegated.

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