Saturday, May 31

Dream Team Final Scores!

In reverse order....

12th Jess 1331pts
11th Stevie 1332pts
10th Dale 1432pts
9th Pete 1670pts
8th Graham 1703pts
7th KG 1707pts
6th Joanne 1785pts
5th KG Senior 1797pts
4th Mike 1855pts
3rd Gumma 1862pts
2nd JBH 1951pts

And the winner is...

Chris with 1964pts

Well done Hershel!!! Expect fivers at some point never!

Friday, May 30

Britain's Got Talent

Well, no, it hasn't, but what it has got is some seriously deranged people doing what they think they do best on national television. And the acts aren't up to much either! A-ha-ha-ha.

Cowell, Holden and Morgan are the centrepiece of the show. Whilst the acts do their thing, the camera cuts back to the judges showing their reactions to the acts.

Cowell and Morgan, as the voices of reason, always look reasonably bemused; the look a 40 year old gives upon seeing a hip-hop video. You can almost see the cogs whirring in Cowell's head when the latest 9 year old singing sensation drops from swing into beatboxing, and back again without missing a breath, "what can I do with this one?"

Third judge Amanda Holden, however, seems to be an emotional wreck. Admittedly, 10 years of living with Les Dennis probably would freak you out a bit. Whether frowning at the glamorous magician's assistant or sobbing uncontrollably at the latest tuneless child prodigy, Holden will go out of her way to make sure that the public are in no doubt that this is "literally the best act here tonight", or "just the best thing I've seen all evening".

You just know that she'll disgree with the opinions of the other two judges, almost as if that's what she's been paid to do. If you're a kid, or sing a ballad, or have a decent six pack, then your through. If you produce doves from a hat and your missus has legs up to her armpits, then you're out.

She might be a bit fucked up, but hey, still deffo would though.

Thursday, May 29

Sunday, in Middlesbrough

Black Kids:

Dan Le Sac vs. Scroobius Pip:

Wednesday, May 28

Beer Review - Tenerife Special

During the recent Peter/Joe/Phil/Kathryn/Gracious trip to Tenerife, myself and the Applebys sampled a few of the finest foreign lagers, whilst Kathryn got all exotic and cultural, drinking blue WKD. Of course, we had to be robbed blind in Newcastle Airport (which suddenly resembles a building site) before our holiday began.


"Three Carling, please."
"Carling's off"
"Off as well."
"What have you got then?"
"Yeah, you deaf or something?"
"There's no need for that sort of aggression, 3 Grolsch then, and a blue WKD."
"£17.90 please"

Grolsch is a nice pint, but it was certainly not worth four and a half quid a pint. For £4.50, I would expect it to be poured and delivered to the table by a fleet of roller-skating page 3 girls, not spilt in front of me by a fat Deidre Barlow look-a-like.


Seemingly the 'stock' beer in Spain, served almost everywhere, and given when you ask simply for a lager. I seem to remember Dorada being foul when I went to Spain previously, but this time it was thirst-quenchingly perfect. Especially, after a day under the fire in the sky, with your mouth full of chlorine and the taste of someone else's feet/sticking plaster/cockroach, it felt like the Water of the Gods.


€1.50 a pint. For a fucking reason. I imagine this is what battery acid tastes like. Served up in a 'pub' (and I use the term lightly) called the Geordie Pride, if this is what makes you proud to be from Newcastle then you can keep it. Stupid fucking bridge and all.

Too fizzy, but somehow too flat at the same time, and with a cheek-stripping after taste. Genuinely horrific.


We went for tea one night, and asked for the now standard 3 pints of lager and a blue WKD for the culture vulture. Waiter brings back 3 glass boots, with frozen sides containing slightly frozen lager. It was astonishing. Phil, who is definitely not a lager man, gulped his down with such reckless abandon that he left most of it on his T-shirt. You see, if you hold the boot so the toe is facing upwards, once the boot itself is empty, the air rushes into the toe and deposits ice-cold Tenerife lager on you, much to the hilarity of your holiday companions.

And the winner is....

....still unknown!

Will the Sun ever print the pissing final dream team scores, for fucks sake man!!!

Tuesday, May 27

A Post A Day Helps You Work, Rest And Play

The Dream Team is finished now, so unless one of us fills the void, we may well not update the site until late August.

However, we've got a willing volunteer to fill the gaps. And yes, it's me.

So, I've thrown down the gauntlet to myself to blog every day until the new season starts, by which point a new Dream Team will have started as well, holding our interest until the new Boro signing who cost 20 million plus and we've all picked gets crocked.

There should be plenty to write about, what with Euro 2008, Big Brother 9 (fucking 9), some big nights out and of course all of the injustice in the world to moan about (I'm looking at you, ASDA).

So then! That'll do for tonight. I'm short of ideas already.

Sunday, May 18

Some Things I Learnt in Tenerife

People of Bolton: Just because Peter Kay is from Bolton, you are not obliged to recite his routines, say "What's all that about?", and you are definitely forbidden from mentioning garlic bread.

Scratchcard salespersons: I DON'T WANT ONE. (walks two feet) I DON'T WANT ONE. (walks two feet) I DON'T WANT ONE. (walks two feet) I DON'T WANT ONE. (punches salesperson).

Cockroaches are generally indestructible, and would make superb terrorists.

All Spanish cleaning ladies have dyed red hair, possibly to seperate them from the other members of society.

When the menu says 'burger' it either means a tiny burger with a huge bun, or vice versa. It will also arrive with 3/4 of a tomato hidden in the bottom.

Reina lager is possibly the most horrific drink in the entire world.

Buses with TITSA written on the side are better than all other buses.

Statistically, 12% of prawns will give you the shits.

Las Americas is built on the side of a big fucking hill, so if you are a bit of a fat bloke, make sure you don't sink 4 pints and a huge fried breakfast before trying to make it back to base camp (the hotel).

Saturday, May 17

Dream Team

1st Chris 1929pts
2nd JBH 1911pts
3rd Gumma 1831pts
4th Mikey 1828pts
5th Joanne 1761pts
6th KG Snr 1758pts
7th KG 1706pts
8th Graham 1673pts
9th Pete 1648pts
10th Dale 1394pts
11th Jess 1332pts
12th Stevie 1322pts

Saturday, May 10

Dream Team

1st Chris 1881pts
2nd JBH 1863pts
3rd Gumma 1803pts
4th Mikey 1793pts
5th Joanne 1735pts
6th KG Senior 1727pts
7th KG 1687pts
8th Graham 1637pts
9th Pete 1621pts
10th Dale 1368pts
11th Jess 1312pts
12th Stevie 1307pts

Sunday, May 4

Dream Team

1st Chris 1829pts
2nd JBH 1793pts
3rd Mikey 1759pts
4th Gumma 1749pts
5th Joanne 1718pts
6th KG Senior 1704pts
7th KG 1659pts
8th Graham 1607pts
9th Pete 1603pts
10th Dale 1331pts
11th Stevie 1286pts
12th Jess 1284pts

Saturday, May 3


Played at Pete's the other day, bit of mad driving, chased off the police and went ten pin bowling with a bird who I tried to hump, doggy style, over the car bonnet. I mean the engine, because the car bonnet had actually fallen off at this point.

Now I don't agree with all this GTA influences real life violence but I reckon a couple of those things could all happen tomorrow! Okay maybe not the ten pin bowling.

Back from Liverpool - it was mental. I will never look at Brown Sauce the same way.

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