Monday, December 22

A Bearded Man with a Heavy Sack

Yep, it's that time of year again, so have a merry Christmas, a happy Hannukah and a rockin' Ramadan. We'll leave you this year with the best Xmas song of them all. Don't argue, YOU'RE WRONG.

Tuesday, November 18

The Great Cake-in-a-Mug Experiment

I will confess straight away. Mister Kipling I most certainly am not. So, if I was to stumble across a way to make the production of cake easier, I'd be an idiot not to try it, right?

During a break from my hectic working life, I found this. It promised cake and quickness, the two things I'd been searching for in my life. It had to be done.

I found myself, sometime later, in the kitchen. That's the room at the back of the house where the tea comes from, one room before the beer fridge. I had lined up the necessary ingredients in front of me, and set about my task, armed only with a shaky hand and slack measuring skills.

Some stuff, today.

For future reference, what does a tablespoon consist of? Is it heaped, flat or in between? I cracked on, using a mixture of the three varieties of tablespoon measurement. There was powder everywhere. The flour went in, then the Tesco Value choccy powder. It was coming together well...

An egg, drowning.

In goes the egg, incredibly minus the shell. I couldn't believe how well this was going. I'd half expected to find a half formed chick in the bottom of my mug, but it never came. Nothing could stop me now! Nothing!

Apart from having to stir the stuff, obviously. As soon as I moved the spoon, huge quantities of eggy powder leapt from the cup, leaving the wife to regale me in French. "Try a little spoon, you f***ing useless c**t!" she shouted. Valentine's Day gets earlier every year. Awww.

Attempting to calm the lumpy liquid, I added oil and water, two things that only usually come as a pair in the same place in my car engine. After more (careful) stirring it was time to bake.

Some "Gunk"

3 minutes is a long time. Especially when you've got your nose prodded up against the microwave door, waiting for the eruption to happen. It didn't.

After using oven gloves to remove the mug, I emptied the 'cake' onto a plate. It looked a bit like choco-scrambled egg, and smelt the same. I tried a piece.

A cake, apparently.

It wasn't bad, but it wasn't world changing either. It certainly wasn't as nice as the cakes the missus made, or the cake from Phil's house which makes Jack and Alfie sing nursery rhymes in Albanian to you.

In fact, I would go as far as to say I won't eat micro cake again. But I need to try it with extra choc, so a bar of Belgian 75% gear was bought for tomorrow's experiment, providing I don't, y'know, die before tomorrow night.

Monday, November 17

FAO Mikey

Something to aspire to.

Saturday, November 15

Dream Team

1st Gumma 567pts
2nd KG 562pts
3rd JBH 461pts
4th Mike 429pts
5th Pete 426pts
6th Jo 422pts
7th KG Snr 399pts
8th Chris 336pts

Thursday, November 13

A Christmas Treat

Game, the video game retail outlet, have created some little cartoon characters to help with Xmas purchases. Nice of them to base one on their best customer, eh?

Wednesday, November 12


Music in time with the visuals or visuals in time with the music?

Monday, November 10

A (much needed) Update

Looks like fantasy footy has taken over the world eh? Only if you're the sort of freak who sits in the bedroom taking advice from people like us. So, what have we been up to?

Well, apart from destroying a supposedly bulletproof VW engine, then getting hypothermia on the side of the A1, life has been pretty quiet recently. It's the credit crunch, I suppose.

Nights out have been reasonably plentiful though, but strangely unmemorable. Maybe it's the "same old same old" factor rearing it's ugly head again. Saturday's night in Manchester, high security nightclubs and all, was excellent though. 

I know, I'll put something on here every night until Chrimbo, in a sort of 'slightly premature advent calendar' stylee. That's not a promise though, natch. So we'll see.

For now? This; turn it up. Turn it up loud.

Saturday, November 8

Dream Team

1st KG 528pts
2nd Gumma 525pts
3rd JBH 426pts
4th Mikey 413pts
5th Jo 410pts
6th Pete 407pts
7th KG Snr 390pts
8th Chris 333pts

Saturday, November 1

Dream Team

1st Gumma 482pts
2nd KG 463pts
3rd Pete 388pts
4th Jo 382pts
5th JBH 381pts
6th Mikey 364pts
7th KG Snr 362pts
8th Chris 305pts

Saturday, October 25

Dream Team

1st Gumma 423pts
2nd KG 400pts
3rd Pete 352pts
4th Joanne 327pts
5th JBH 318pts
6th KG Snr 293pts
7th Mikey 288pts
8th Chris 265pts

Thursday, October 9

Dream Team



There will be no messing about this year with late transfers either.


Here's the latest scores...

1st KG 327pts
2nd Gumma 319pts
2nd Pete 319pts
3rd JBH 299pts
4th KG Senior 273pts
5th Joanne 261pts
6th Chris 248pts
7th Mikey 241pts

Monday, September 29

What's next for Newcastle?

October: Living up to reports, a last minute deal takes place, selling the club for a cut price £100m, 42 replica shirts and 4 warm pints of lager. The new owners are Nigerian businessmen, who all lost their fathers in horrendous air crashes. It turns out they did have millions to put in your bank account after all.

November: Joe Kinnear is sacked as Newcastle boss, with the Toon second bottom of the Premiership.Only Tottenham lie below them, after taking just 1 point from a possible 30. Rumours are rife that Alan Shearer will take the helm, but the man himself tells Toon fans that he is 'not interested in that bag of shite, for fuck's sake'. Sales of Shearer shirts double overnight.

December: The Nigerian board tell the world they've got their man. A former England captain, with experience of managing a big name side and a proven track record in bringing in the world's finest players. Newcastle fans are less than impressed when Bryan Robson is unveiled.

January: Newcastle are knocked out of the FA Cup in front of their own fans by Shotton Colliery Welfare, who win 3-0 even though they had a man sent off. The transfer window re-opens, and the Toon invest in Branco and Clayton Blackmore. Newcastle win 1-0 at Middlesbrough, despite not touching the ball for 35 minutes, thanks to a late Nicky Butt penalty. Pogatetz is sent off for murdering the fourth official.

February: Michael Owen is ruled out for the remainder of the season, suffering from a 'bit of a dicky tummy'. Joey Barton returns to the first team after his community service, and scores a late equaliser at Fulham. He is then sent off for brawling with a corner flag. The flag inflicts several large bruises on Barton's face.

March: Newcastle lose 3-0 against an inspired Wigan side, Titus Bramble scoring a hat-trick. Toon fans still claim he isn't good enough to wear the black and white shirt. The papers are alight with rumours of a transfer spectacular on Tyneside, with the new chairman being overheard mentioning Kaka's name. It seems he was actaully just describing the club in general.

April: The Toon win all of their games this month. April Fool!

May: Newcastle are saved by a last minute legal reprieve, even though technically they have been relegated. The European court of sports arbitration recognises that they are 'everyone's second team', and therefore should remain in the Premiership for the good of football. Fourth bottom Middlesbrough are relegated.

Saturday, September 27

Dream Team

1st JBH 195pts
2nd KG 191pts
3rd Pete 188pts
4th Gumma 166pts
5th KG senior 160pts
6th Chris 153pts
7th Joanne 138pts
8th Mikey 134pts

Saturday, September 20

Dream Team

1st Pete 170pts
2nd KG 164pts
3rd JBH 163pts
4th KG senior 140pts
5th Chris 136pts
6th Mikey 118pts
7th Gumma 113pts
8th Jo 108pts

Thursday, September 11

My Left Foot

(Well, actually my right foot, but that's not a film, is it?)

Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to tell you a tale of justice, pain and sadness.

Sat in Portugal, in our room, after a hazy afternoon of drinking beer and larking in the pool, myself and the missus decided to catch up on events back home. It was six o'clock, so on went the news.

And by God, look what happens while I'm away! Most of the UK is underwater, Wales has floating sheep, Morpeth has floating VW Passats and York has floating caravans (nearly). "Hah!" I laughed, scratching my burnt, manly chest, "Check that out! They've got that and we've got burning sunshine!"

Next up was the paralympics. In a sober light, I can see these brave people facing up to their disabilities with a stiff upper lip, more than I could manage in a similar situation. But with 4 pints of Si-Si-Si-San Miguel in me, watching a one legged man on a bike was literally hilarious. "Hah!" I laughed, sizing up my two healthy legs and feet, "Check that out! He's got one and I've got two!"

Sadly, God heard this. He was pretty pissed off.

"Right, I'm going in the shower." I said. The wife replied that she would like to go in the bath first, so she had time to straighten her luxurious hair afterwards, whilst I was showering my sunburnt pair of working legs.

I agreed. Off she went. I decided to take in some fresh air, and try and catch some of the sounds of the nearby bullfight. Unfortunately, God had decided to sprinkle the balcony tiles with rain. It being dark, I didn't see this, until I was laid arse first in it. My left foot skidded out in front of me, and my right leg collapsed under the weight of my body and 4 pints of Si-Si-Si-San Miguel. My foot landed upside down on the door stop, and my arse and body landed on top of my foot.

It hurt. A lot.

After shouting for assistance, only to be met with the cry "What the fuck have you broken now?" I managed to gingerly pick myself up. I thought I'd broken my foot. I may still have. Next morning, I awoke with a huge black go-faster stripe of a bruise, and various twists and sprains. I still ache now.

I'm facing up to my disability with a stiff upper lip, but doubt I could lap a velodrome in under 20 seconds, like the one legged chap did.

So, as John Lennon might have said:
Instant karmas gonna get you
Gonna knock you right on your arse

Saturday, September 6

Dream Team

1st Pete 114pts
2nd KG Senior 105pts
3rd Chris 102pts
4th JBH 101pts
5th Mikey 73pts
6th Joanne 51pts
7th KG 51pts
8th Gumma 50pts

Saturday, August 30

Dream Team

1st KG Snr 78pts
2nd Pete 66pts
3rd Chris 63pts
4th JBH 62pts
5th Mikey 50pts
6th Gumma 40pts
7th KG 37pts
8th Jo 29pts

Monday, August 25

FAO: Chaz

Good luck in all your Qatarian adventures! No comedy picture of a panda in a headscarf (PC is too slow) I'm afraid! Fudgee-O's! Immense waiting times! No more parmos! Until Chrimbo! See you then!

Branching Out

It would appear that I've been 'given' 25% of Obscure Internet. Being a funny and talented poster on their forums does have benefits, you see.

The reason I'm telling you this is that you should come and play as well. Mikey has, and has actually told us something albeit in an extremely concise fashion. We talk about all sorts of things, not just the nerdy computer and comics shit that you expect from internet forums (although they are there, nerd-fans!), so why not drop by and tell us some stuff, or something?

I know this is very vague but come and have a look, sign up, etc. You never know, even if you find one thing that you like, then it will have been worth it! More people = more 'fun'!

Saturday, August 23

Dream Team 2008/09

Dream Team is BACK! And as Chris Groves, last seasons winner, will tell you it's more than just a game.

Week one scores...

1st Chris 48pts
=2nd KG Snr 44pts
=2nd Pete 44pts
3rd JBH 37pts
4th Mikey 35pts
5th Gumma 24pts
6th KG 23pts
7th Joanne 10pts

If you want to see who is in each team, e-mail us and I will send you the spreadsheet or I might at some point do a post with everyones team if I can be bothered. E-mail is far easier you see.

Tuesday, August 19

People who have stalked me on Facebook

This is David Cook, apparently:

He 'added' me, but with my being totally faithful to the Facebook Way, I enquired as to just how he was my friend, seeing as I'd never met him before, ever.

His response was "I don't mate. I just thought the pint in your profile pic looked nice." Eh?

On further inspection, I found out that David Cook worked next door to where I work. He was a bit too close for comfort, and I imagined he would be watching me through the chain link fence. Whilst playing with himself.

And this is Lesley Brown:

She's from Gosforth. I've never been to Gosforth, and know nothing of it, apart from the fact that it's a bit Geordie. I have no mutual friends with her. I don't recognise her. This time, with no manners, I just rejected her. I might send her a message now.

She looks a bit orange to me like.

So, just what is the etiquette from stalkers on Facebook? Message and then reject, to shame them back into the correct Facebook Way, a flat rejection, or just add them to make yourself look like you've got more friends than your sad little existence allows? Well?

Tuesday, August 12

Pandora's Box AKA The Sad Box

The Sad Box is the box of CD albums and singles we brought from Coulby to Eston when we moved. They range from forgotten classics to shameful memories, and have been stuck in The Sad Box because they are either songs that you hear and think "OMG that is awesome" or songs that you hear and think "OMG what in the name of living fuck is that?"

The Sad Box was opened on Friday night, unleashing some classics upon an unsuspecting audience. The playlist was as follows (ish, I'd had a few by then):

Town Called Malice - The Jam
Going Underground - The Jam
Kinky Afro - Happy Mondays
Come Taste My Mind - Earl Brutus
To Earth With Love - Gay Dad
C'est La Vie - B*Witched
Bob Marley vs Funkstar Deluxe - Sun is Shining
De La Soul - Say No Go
De La Soul - Me Myself and I

And others, including Take That, that I have forgotten. We learned the Abi loves the Jam, Alex and Chris had never heard De La Soul and had therefore never lived, that Mikey feels 15 again when he hears certain tunes and that we all agreed that we 'would' 3/4 of B*Witched.

Sunday, August 10

Used to think this was awesome...

...10 year ago.

It has to be said it sounds awful now!

Pete - get your old box of CD's sorted now! I was 15 again for a couple of hours on Friday night.

Tuesday, August 5


Me, KG, Phil and Chris visited Amsterdam a few weeks back. Well, here's the vid...

Monday, August 4

Fuck Buttons

No, not something Cinderella might say, but an 'experimental' er, rock/dance band. I listened to their debut album 'Street Horrrsing' the other day, after rioutous recommendations on another website (I know, I thought this was the only one as well).

However, in between (Buy)ing it and putting it on my MP3 player, I read a review that said it consisted basically of 4 things: screeching/screaming/white noise/a bit of a melody. This filled me with dread. This 'noise' thing is usually cool for the sake of it student shit.

In reality though, it works unbelievably well. It sort of does that layering thing, where the beat starts quite simply, but adds bits and then suddenly, near the middle, explodes into an ear-busting cacophony of sound. At first it feels unlistenable, there is so much going on that your brain initially just turns off. But try again, and again, and it seeps into your consciousness. Inside the audio violence is a hidden beauty, and a sort of wonky symmetry, if that makes any sense.

Street Horrrsing is to other music what the Bugatti Veyron is to a Ford Fiesta. Yeah it feels uncomfortable, frightening even to start with, but the Veyron is mind bending and unforgettable, and it feels like the future. Street Horrrsing does the same for music.

Tuesday, July 15

Brighton Port Authority - ToeJam

Fatboy Slim/David Byrne/Dizzee Rascal, innit. Seriously clever video.

Monday, July 7

Songs Of Praise - With Subtitles

From Adam Buxton, once of Adam and Joe fame:

Saturday, July 5

Astonishing Stupidity

Setanta Sports News, in these slow sports news months, have come up with a cheap screen filler. At the bottom, instead of 'news', comes the texted opinions of football fans. Of course, as we all know, the general public are fucking idiots.

Amongst the general fuckwittery come texts from Liverpool fans. They are insightful and sensible as you would expect from FOOTBALL'S BEST FANS TM.

"Liverpool should buy Ade Akinbiyi and Trevor Sinclair, they would compliment the current squad and be cheap as they are over 30."

"Rafa why haven't you bought Ronaldo yet get in there now he would be wikkid."

Both genuine, sadly. I presume the first one was a wind up by Everton fans, but the second one was most likely the typical sort of Scouse imbecile who thinks that Liverpool are the biggest team in the world, despite having not won the league for nearly twenty years.

I can't wait for the season to start, but would prefer it if Liverpool never played again.

Friday, July 4

The Greatest Sports Day Ever

I'm walking past MIMA at lunch time and there's a bunch of wee kiddie's all sitting about and there on the grass is, badminton nets, table tennis tables, a boxing ring and get this, a fucking pole vault!

What happened to white lines and grass? Or are most kids doing that every dinner time now?

Wednesday, July 2

What The Internet Is For

It was quiet, most people had left the office and a few of us remained. I started to whistle/hum a tune. I don't know where it came from, don't know what it was but I'd heard it before and so had others.

Colleague 1: "What is that?"

Me: "I dunno, but it's gonna torture me till I find out."

C1: "It's a theme tune isn't it?"

Me: "I think you're right."

Colleague 2 joins in: "Yep, deffo a theme tune. The Upper Hand?"

C1: "Nah , don't think so."

Me: "have you still got sound on your PC?"

C1: "Yeah."

Me: "Right let's get on Youtube. Search for upper hand theme tune"

Me: "The Upper Hand? Miles away."

C2: "Erm, Yes Minister?"

Me: "Shut up!"

C1: "Come on Mike, this is bugging me now, maybe it was a game show?"

Me: "Nah, actually tell you what to try. Go on Google."

C1: "Yep."

Me: "Space bar melody. Me mate was on about this the other day. Apparently you tap in the melody and it recognises the song."

He googles it.

C1: ""

Me: "Try it."


So he taps away the tune and we gather round the loads for a while and we wait with baited breath....

All: "Terry and June!!!"

And that is why the internet is brilliant.

Tuesday, July 1

Glastonbury 08

Whilst knocking out stuff for this esteemed tome, I've searched for the blog that would appeal to (almost) everyone. And hey, here it is!

It has:

Zane Lowe, over enthusiastic Radio 1 lapdog for the indie kids!
Britpop, for KG!
AC/DC, for Mikey!
Hip Hop, for Phil!
A threatening black man shouting stuff, for me!

Oh, and this, for the more elderly rockers amongst us. Mikey. Again.

Being Put On Hold

Now that is annoying. But without hold music? Jesus, that's just torture.

Anyway, I had £80 go missing the other day and it still hasn't come back. Mind you the kid who lives down the end of my street has got some really smart new trainers.

I phones the bank.

Apparently my call is important to them, but, not important enough for them to answer me until 25 minutes had gone by. 25 long, slow,torturous minutes of just ringing or silence. I then spends 10 mins explaining it all only to hear...

"Oh sorry Mr Heaney, you'll need to go into your branch to see about that."

I could almost hear her laughing and high fiving her colleagues as I hung up. Slag.

Monday, June 30

He's Going To Fit Right In

Boro target Didier Digard on his club Paris St Germain holding up his move to the Riverside...

"This club is doing my head in."

Saturday, June 28


The nightclub in Middlesbrough.

You owe me two ears. Fucking hell, how loud?!

Thursday, June 26

Fancy Dress

I'm gonna be invited to a 30th in September (says who?).

It's fancy dress with a nostalgia theme - "Come as something with some sort of nostalgic type theme from the last 30 years!!" is how I imagine the invite will look.

So, what the chuff can I go as? Ideas in the comments box please!

I'm currently favouring Run DMC...

Wednesday, June 25

Sir Robert Mugabe

I see the Queen is asking for his honorary knighthood back. I bet he's gutted.

So, Zimbabwe has all gone a bit tits up then eh?

So the hot topic at PMQs in the House of Commons today - "You can fuck off if you think you're playing cricket with us!" Bit harsh don't you think?

Tuesday, June 24

As if life couldn't get any better...

BBC NEWS | Entertainment | McFly announce new album giveaway

Heroes of the Wallet #6 - Tony Rolt

Who? You might well ask. But you know those 'boys-own' stories of racing cars and POW camp escapes? That was Tony Rolt's life, that was.

Sadly, Major Rolt passed away in February this year. Here's his obituary from the Times, detailing a truly great man who should be a hero to us all.

Monday, June 23


With Italy's exit from Euro 2008, my summer of sport looks finished, at least until August, and the resumption of hostilities in the league. Yeah, OK, Wimbledon has started, but Tennis isn't really a sport, is it? It's just a game to see who can use Persil the most efficiently.

There's cricket as well, but that seems like a side-show compared to the money talk going round at the moment. While the million quid a game 20-20 matches will be sensational, you can see that the players aren't launching themselves whole heartedly into the current test series, and why should they? There was a story recently that for winning the second test against NZ, the England players received £500 and their expenses. Big deal.

As if to compound the problem, the MCC, cricket's governing body, decided to live up to all of the 'stuffy old man' stereotypes. Kevin Pietersen invented a 'new' shot, which in a sport with a near 200 year history is quite a big deal. Changing hands mid-delivery, and the slogging the ball away for 6, Pietersen showed bowlers the world over that the game had changed.

The MCC though, decided it shouldn't. If the bowler has to declare a change of bowling side, then the batsman should as well. It shouldn't be allowed. It's like FIFA trying to ban the Cryuff turn after one too many Swedish left backs were left on their arses.

It remains to be seen which way cricket will go, if it will encourage action and invention, or if the MCC will stamp down on new ideas to keep test cricket as the flagship form of the game. I for one can't wait for the 20-20 games with the big money, but I'm just as excited for the Ashes next year. Cricket is sat in a very strong position, more so than football maybe, let's just hope they don't blow it.

Friday, June 20



Thursday, June 19

Some things I would like to do this summer

  • Go camping
  • Go fishing
  • Have a mass 18-a-side game of footy like when I was a kid
  • See the sun for more than one day at a time
  • Play golf

Shit post, I know, anything else I should be doing users?

Wednesday, June 18

Tuesday is Man-Day

Last night, myself and KG went to the club to watch the football. This was a manly thing to do. I came home from work, having asked the boys if they were coming with me (only KG was), I had my tea, and then a shit/shower/shampoo/shave, and then met KG at the bottom of the road.

We had a bet. We went to the club and spoke with the blokes about racing and football, and played snooker and drank pints. We complained about the loud music from upstairs, and joined in the hard stares whenever someone used the bar toilets, which were really our toilets.

It was brilliant.

So, from now on, I declare Tuesdays to be Man-Days, so go and do a manly thing, and tell us about it here. We could make flyers and a Myspace and a Facebook thing. Lets make Tuesdays worth having again!

Monday, June 16

Almost made my list

These were some I had lined up as Guilty Pleasures...

Crazy Horses - The Osmonds
Living La Vida Loca - Ricky Martin
Stop - Spice Girls
Thing's Can Only Get Better - D:Ream
Pretty Fly (For a White Guy) - The Offspring

And this...

But I have since decided it is one of the best songs ever and surely everyone must agree.

Sunday, June 15

Guilty Pleasures - Track 10

And finally, Sweet Talking Woman - ELO

As a 28 year old, interested in techno and house music, I have no real right to like this. But I fucking love it.

Some songs that failed, but I still love:

My Prerogative - Bobby Brown
Ride On Time - Black Box
I'm Not In Love - 10CC
Tiny Dancer - Elton John
Barcelona - Freddie Mercury/Monserrat Caballé
Two Hearts - Phil Collins
19 - Paul Hardcastle

...and many more.

Guilty Pleasures - Track 9

Let Martha Reeves and the Vandellas explain...

Saturday, June 14

Guilty Pleasures - Track 8

Red Light Spells Danger - Billy Ocean

From the singer of "When the going gets tough" comes maybe the best song ever. Sorry about the video, but the real video isn't on youtube, surprisingly.

Friday, June 13

Guilty Pleasures - Track 7

"Its on an advert."

"An advert?"

"Yeah, i can't remember what, think it's an energy company."

It was Twix.

It knocked Penny Lane off the top spot in 1967.

It was The Turtles.

It was So Happy Together.

It is brilliant.

I think the general theme of my guilty pleasures has emerged - I'm into powerful, huge sounding songs and this is as powerful as it gets when the chorus kicks in. That is some wall of sound right there.

But the lyrics are pretty heartbreaking if you take the interpretation of one bloke when I google it...he thinks its about a guy who is so in love with this woman, and hopes that if he calls she will profess her love for him, fate will bring them together and the world will be alright...but, when it comes down to it, all he can muster is "So, how is the weather?"

But I think "So, how is weather?" is a call back to the line "When you're with me, the skies will be blue." and he is kind of saying, "I told you so!"


Thursday, June 12

"Amazing Scenes"

Sorry to interrupt the guilty pleasures, but you have to see these awesome photos from the Switzerland - Turkey match.

Guilty Pleasures - Track 6

Bananarama - Cruel Summer

A perfect girl-group pop song that's about summer but not summer-y, complete with Dukes of Hazzard style video. How can it go wrong?

Oh, and still would.

Guilty Pleasures - Track 5

Press play, sit back, relax and enjoy one of the finest songs ever written.

Absolute perfection - written by Gamble and Huff (who went on to produce the Jacksons), this was a hit way back in the 70's.

This is my favourite version though. Yes, that is Jimmy Sommerville of Bronski Beat fame singing the high bits.

As for the music, the brass after each line in the chorus "...desire for you!" is immense, the wobble board effect on the drums and the huge piano sound at around the 2.22 mark - how good does that sound?

No. 1 for four weeks in Spetember 1986. Still brilliant today.

Even in Chicago Rock Cafe.

Wednesday, June 11

Guilty Pleasures - Track 4

If you leave me now - Chicago

When you listen to it, pretend that the singer is a man (which he is, natch), increasingly desperate for one more chance from the love of his life. Then pretend that the music is his long suffering partner, laid back, seen it all before, finally had enough.

At the end, when the pleas reach a crescendo but the music remains thoughtful, this tells a story and shows emotions that could only be matched by the finest of writers.


Guilty Pleasures - Track 3

The Donovan. It's colossal. His voice, the words and that bass line...ouch. Stock, Aitken and Waterman at their peak here and smashed in at number 1 in March 89.

Too Many Broken Hearts

Jase, you broke my heart when you stopped releasing classics like this.

Tuesday, June 10

Guilty Pleasures - Track 2

Lay All Your Love On Me - ABBA

ABBA invented French House before the French did. When ABBA invented French House, there was no house of any nationality. When it came to knocking out world class repetitive beats, Benny and Bjorn had no equal. With some vocal hooks and suspect lyrics ladled over the top, a modern classic was bjorn (born).

Guilty Pleasures Track 1

Well, Pete and me got talking about this last night...songs you love but don't admit too. How hard was this?! Very. I'm not afraid to say I love some pretty dodgy music so here's my track 1...

East 17 - House of Love

How good? It's mega!! Raw power and energy and how good is that "Not bothered about your colour" hook? Plus the nice, gentle reminder that you have never run yourself over like Brian Harvey.

Monday, June 9


Sunday, June 8

Bg Brother

I was going to do a review of the new contestants, but I couldn't be bothered to type the word 'cunt' 16 times.

The blind one though, has really wound me up. By losing the sense of sight, his senses have compensated by making him SHOUT EVERYTHING IN HIS ANNOYING FUCKING SCOTTISH ACCENT.

Still watching it though, natch. It makes me feel really intelligent.

EDIT: Just watching it now, and the blind guy was dressing up as a bunny girl, which involved him removing his undies. I asked Joanne if she thought he could see out of his jap's eye.

Stuff and That

Here's a (hopefully weekly) bit of stuff that's caught my eye this week.

Brave or stupid...?

Debut Album

1 - Go to
The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to Random quotations:
The last four words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

If you want to do this again, you'll hit refresh to generate new quotes, because clicking the quotes link again will just give you the same quotes over and over again.

3 - Go to flickr's "explore the last seven days"
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

Put it all together, that's your debut album.

Here's mine!!

Band name: 1909 Alekhin

Album name: Out Of The Business

Album cover:


Gazza is having a bit of a mare at the moment, so let's laugh at some funny stuff he did!

More Yo! Gabba Gabba



This is pretty good for the musicians amongst you, like me...

Knicker Picker

Hours of fun!!!

The Apprentice

Limmy's blog has a good bit about the Apprentice, Claire's gonna win apparently...

100 best movie posters of all time

Some of these are asbolutely brilliant, have a look...

Saturday, June 7

The Best Bit in the Papers Today

If not ever:

10 reasons to be cheerful about Euro 2008:

8. The stretcher-bearers

Traditionally ineffable and flummoxed and featuring two people, one of whom is at least three-feet taller than the other. Last time around a pair of moustachioed Portuguese had to attempt to fit the mighty Jan Koller on to their stretcher. It was like watching the Chuckle Brothers load a giant squid on to a hostess trolley.

Friday, June 6

B3ta, natch.

Thursday, June 5

Tsk, Kids These Days, Eh?

When I were a lad, and all this round here was fields, children's TV amounted to some dodgy cartoons, a street with some pigeons on it, and cross-dressing Mr Benn.

Nowadays, the kids are luckier. On Nick Jr, they have something called Yo Gabba Gabba!, and it is the televisual equivalent of crack cocaine.

It's as if the BBC decided to make TeleTubbies, but let the Beastie Boys loose on it instead of some YTS media studies twat. Yo Gabba Gabba! makes use of raps, beatboxing, funky French house and the worlds catchiest songs.

The chap below, in the video, is Biz Markie. For the Urbanly challenged amongst you (Mikey, I'm looking at you), Biz Markie is a legendary hip-hop artist, and has been sampled and guested on the Beastie Boys albums. On Yo Gabba Gabba! he teaches kids to beatbox. Natch.

Don't watch this though. It's for kids. Or is it? No, of course it isn't. It's just an excuse to show off, like Sesame Street, and the aforementioned TeleTubbies, it's just an ultra-cool design company that had to make a kid's TV show. More of the same, please.

Wednesday, June 4

Wii Fit

Jesus Christ, how hard is yoga? Dhalsim made it look so, so easy. I did some sort of bending over thingy, just to get a look at the demonstrator's arse, but ended up nearly snapping my spine in 2.

As for step aerobics, seeing as I have virtually no co-ordination, added to the fact that the dog always wants to join in, means that Joanne always has fits of giggles when watching.

Also, my weight seems to bounce around almost as much as my tits, and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's to do with my full bladder. The Wii Board thingy seems to though, the smug little shit. It's about 2 weeks away from going out of the window.

Tuesday, June 3

Heroes of the Wallet #5 - Muhammad Ali

**WARNING** This bit contains a really clumsy metaphor, guaranteed to annoy. Sorry, but I think you know what I'm getting at.


Imagine that Steven Gerrard was liked by all fans, regardless of the fact that he plays for Liverpool, or that he's a scouser. The club and place of birth matter to no-one, and he is universally loved. And then, imagine if he went into a Champions League final against finest midfielder of his generation, and totally dominated him.

And then, imagine if he went and threw his Champions League winner's medal in the Mersey because he was turned away from a nightclub because he was a scouser. And imagine that, when interviewed before matches he would recite a rhyme he had manufactured himself, making his pre-match interviews sometimes more of an event than the match itself.

Couldn't happen, could it?

Well, Ali was all that and more.

Clay swings with his left, Clay swings with his right,
Look at young Cassius carry the fight.
Liston keeps backing, but there's not enough room,
It's a matter of time till Clay lowers the boom.
Liston is still rising, now Clay lands with a right,
What a beautiful swing, and the punch raises the Bear clean out of the ring.
Liston is still rising and the ref wears a frown,
For he can't start counting till Sonny goes down.
Now Liston is disappearing from view,
The crowd is going frantic,
But radar stations have picked him up,
Somewhere over the Atlantic.
Who would have thought when they came to the fight?
That they'd witness the launching of a human satellite.
Yes the crowd did not dream, when they put up the money,
That they would see a total eclipse of the Sonny.

Monday, June 2

A Man in a Fake Beard

I didn't watch Eurovision the other week, I was too busy being not let into nightclubs and wondering how a man walking around a city centre in just some speedos didn't end with a) glass in his feet and b) his face intact. Also, I'm not gay.

If I did watch it, I certainly wouldn't have done the supposed popular thing of having a 'Eurovision Party'. You know, where all of your friends come dressed as a stereotypical representation of their allocated country, and someone misses the point entirely and comes dressed as a turkey.

The UK entry was awful. But of course it was, we sent a bin-man, and no matter how sharp the suit, a bin-man will always deal with rubbish. The winning Russian entry was by Dima Bilan, who is Moscow's answer to Robbie Williams.

France, however, sent Sebastien Tellier. Tellier is known mostly for his beautiful, atmospheric chill out music. His last album was produced by Guy Manuel de Homem Christo, who is one half of Daft Punk. He couldn't be more cool if he doused himself with icy water.

So why did he go to Eurovision? God knows. But his song was quite catchy, have a listen below. The video isn't up to much though. If I wanted to see a chubby white bloke with comedy facial hair, I'd just go and look in the mirror.

Sunday, June 1

Middlesbrough Music Live Review

Well, me and KG were only there for a little bit but here goes...

We watched the Wildcats of Kilkenny. They weren't particularly wild and didn't appear to be from Kilkenny...far too many Teesside references.

The Scruffy Cats From Park End, I guess, doesn't sound as good.

A marvellous rendition of Boro's "E I O" and Pigbag had the few hundred gathered youths jumping in unison, throwing lager everywhere and enjoying themselves.

Nevertheless, it was nowhere near loud enough. I want to have to wait until a song is finished to be able to talk to someone not feel like I'm in Asda with their Best of tape on.

The youth of today. What is going on? Honestly where the hell do they all come from? Thousand's of them, almost like a Zulu remake but sadly, without the gun.

Clothes, hair, skin colour - I saw about 17 potential jaundice victims, they just looked seriously ill. Though for every five atrocities there was an absolute stunner.

The lager was excellent but at £2.80 a pint even I would be struggling to get mashed on that. But no, not the Grove Hill posse..."Away, am going down the mosh pit me, cause havoc an that!! Wooh!"

"Ere Danno wait for me." says his pregnant girlfriend.

I had a little celebrity run in as well. As we were leaving the steel Auschwitz esque fence, Tim Wheeler, who I recognised as being only, "That gadgie from Ash." when I first saw him (I googled him later) was being told by security to basically go about eight miles away.

As we followed him back to KG's car, muttering things like, "Is that Mark RamprakASH?" I kept thinking why is he walking towards the Riverside? The stage is back that way mate! If only I had known his name. Maybe I could have directed him in the right direction and received a signed guitar off him?

Funniest bit? The 60 year old with a beard, mega leather jacket and pyjama bottoms or the spastic who had dyed his hair pink and his lip pierced to take the attention away from his gammy legs.


Didn't post yesterday due to blazing sunshine/barbeque/booze. However, this morning, in better news, my Xbox 360 has decided that its 'red ring of death' wasn't as terminal as Microsoft make out. So, this morning, I was back into the world of GTAIV, and all was well again.

20 Questions

Or about 400...until we got to the final stages...

Jo: Are you quite big?

Me: Yep.

Jo: Are you hairy?

Me: Yep!

Jo: Do you make a weird noise when you talk?

Me: Yep!! Jo, I think you've got it!!!

Jo:............are you George of the Jungle?

I was Chewbacca. Rarrr.

Saturday, May 31

Dream Team Final Scores!

In reverse order....

12th Jess 1331pts
11th Stevie 1332pts
10th Dale 1432pts
9th Pete 1670pts
8th Graham 1703pts
7th KG 1707pts
6th Joanne 1785pts
5th KG Senior 1797pts
4th Mike 1855pts
3rd Gumma 1862pts
2nd JBH 1951pts

And the winner is...

Chris with 1964pts

Well done Hershel!!! Expect fivers at some point never!

Friday, May 30

Britain's Got Talent

Well, no, it hasn't, but what it has got is some seriously deranged people doing what they think they do best on national television. And the acts aren't up to much either! A-ha-ha-ha.

Cowell, Holden and Morgan are the centrepiece of the show. Whilst the acts do their thing, the camera cuts back to the judges showing their reactions to the acts.

Cowell and Morgan, as the voices of reason, always look reasonably bemused; the look a 40 year old gives upon seeing a hip-hop video. You can almost see the cogs whirring in Cowell's head when the latest 9 year old singing sensation drops from swing into beatboxing, and back again without missing a breath, "what can I do with this one?"

Third judge Amanda Holden, however, seems to be an emotional wreck. Admittedly, 10 years of living with Les Dennis probably would freak you out a bit. Whether frowning at the glamorous magician's assistant or sobbing uncontrollably at the latest tuneless child prodigy, Holden will go out of her way to make sure that the public are in no doubt that this is "literally the best act here tonight", or "just the best thing I've seen all evening".

You just know that she'll disgree with the opinions of the other two judges, almost as if that's what she's been paid to do. If you're a kid, or sing a ballad, or have a decent six pack, then your through. If you produce doves from a hat and your missus has legs up to her armpits, then you're out.

She might be a bit fucked up, but hey, still deffo would though.

Thursday, May 29

Sunday, in Middlesbrough

Black Kids:

Dan Le Sac vs. Scroobius Pip:

Wednesday, May 28

Beer Review - Tenerife Special

During the recent Peter/Joe/Phil/Kathryn/Gracious trip to Tenerife, myself and the Applebys sampled a few of the finest foreign lagers, whilst Kathryn got all exotic and cultural, drinking blue WKD. Of course, we had to be robbed blind in Newcastle Airport (which suddenly resembles a building site) before our holiday began.


"Three Carling, please."
"Carling's off"
"Off as well."
"What have you got then?"
"Yeah, you deaf or something?"
"There's no need for that sort of aggression, 3 Grolsch then, and a blue WKD."
"£17.90 please"

Grolsch is a nice pint, but it was certainly not worth four and a half quid a pint. For £4.50, I would expect it to be poured and delivered to the table by a fleet of roller-skating page 3 girls, not spilt in front of me by a fat Deidre Barlow look-a-like.


Seemingly the 'stock' beer in Spain, served almost everywhere, and given when you ask simply for a lager. I seem to remember Dorada being foul when I went to Spain previously, but this time it was thirst-quenchingly perfect. Especially, after a day under the fire in the sky, with your mouth full of chlorine and the taste of someone else's feet/sticking plaster/cockroach, it felt like the Water of the Gods.


€1.50 a pint. For a fucking reason. I imagine this is what battery acid tastes like. Served up in a 'pub' (and I use the term lightly) called the Geordie Pride, if this is what makes you proud to be from Newcastle then you can keep it. Stupid fucking bridge and all.

Too fizzy, but somehow too flat at the same time, and with a cheek-stripping after taste. Genuinely horrific.


We went for tea one night, and asked for the now standard 3 pints of lager and a blue WKD for the culture vulture. Waiter brings back 3 glass boots, with frozen sides containing slightly frozen lager. It was astonishing. Phil, who is definitely not a lager man, gulped his down with such reckless abandon that he left most of it on his T-shirt. You see, if you hold the boot so the toe is facing upwards, once the boot itself is empty, the air rushes into the toe and deposits ice-cold Tenerife lager on you, much to the hilarity of your holiday companions.

And the winner is....

....still unknown!

Will the Sun ever print the pissing final dream team scores, for fucks sake man!!!

Tuesday, May 27

A Post A Day Helps You Work, Rest And Play

The Dream Team is finished now, so unless one of us fills the void, we may well not update the site until late August.

However, we've got a willing volunteer to fill the gaps. And yes, it's me.

So, I've thrown down the gauntlet to myself to blog every day until the new season starts, by which point a new Dream Team will have started as well, holding our interest until the new Boro signing who cost 20 million plus and we've all picked gets crocked.

There should be plenty to write about, what with Euro 2008, Big Brother 9 (fucking 9), some big nights out and of course all of the injustice in the world to moan about (I'm looking at you, ASDA).

So then! That'll do for tonight. I'm short of ideas already.

Sunday, May 18

Some Things I Learnt in Tenerife

People of Bolton: Just because Peter Kay is from Bolton, you are not obliged to recite his routines, say "What's all that about?", and you are definitely forbidden from mentioning garlic bread.

Scratchcard salespersons: I DON'T WANT ONE. (walks two feet) I DON'T WANT ONE. (walks two feet) I DON'T WANT ONE. (walks two feet) I DON'T WANT ONE. (punches salesperson).

Cockroaches are generally indestructible, and would make superb terrorists.

All Spanish cleaning ladies have dyed red hair, possibly to seperate them from the other members of society.

When the menu says 'burger' it either means a tiny burger with a huge bun, or vice versa. It will also arrive with 3/4 of a tomato hidden in the bottom.

Reina lager is possibly the most horrific drink in the entire world.

Buses with TITSA written on the side are better than all other buses.

Statistically, 12% of prawns will give you the shits.

Las Americas is built on the side of a big fucking hill, so if you are a bit of a fat bloke, make sure you don't sink 4 pints and a huge fried breakfast before trying to make it back to base camp (the hotel).

Saturday, May 17

Dream Team

1st Chris 1929pts
2nd JBH 1911pts
3rd Gumma 1831pts
4th Mikey 1828pts
5th Joanne 1761pts
6th KG Snr 1758pts
7th KG 1706pts
8th Graham 1673pts
9th Pete 1648pts
10th Dale 1394pts
11th Jess 1332pts
12th Stevie 1322pts

Saturday, May 10

Dream Team

1st Chris 1881pts
2nd JBH 1863pts
3rd Gumma 1803pts
4th Mikey 1793pts
5th Joanne 1735pts
6th KG Senior 1727pts
7th KG 1687pts
8th Graham 1637pts
9th Pete 1621pts
10th Dale 1368pts
11th Jess 1312pts
12th Stevie 1307pts

Sunday, May 4

Dream Team

1st Chris 1829pts
2nd JBH 1793pts
3rd Mikey 1759pts
4th Gumma 1749pts
5th Joanne 1718pts
6th KG Senior 1704pts
7th KG 1659pts
8th Graham 1607pts
9th Pete 1603pts
10th Dale 1331pts
11th Stevie 1286pts
12th Jess 1284pts

Saturday, May 3


Played at Pete's the other day, bit of mad driving, chased off the police and went ten pin bowling with a bird who I tried to hump, doggy style, over the car bonnet. I mean the engine, because the car bonnet had actually fallen off at this point.

Now I don't agree with all this GTA influences real life violence but I reckon a couple of those things could all happen tomorrow! Okay maybe not the ten pin bowling.

Back from Liverpool - it was mental. I will never look at Brown Sauce the same way.

Wednesday, April 30

Not Dream Team

Nearly CC'd a Xbox 360 with GTA IV the other day. But, Pete's got it so you know. Why bother.

A few of us are off to Liverpool tomorrow! Expect a nice new shiny video soon for you all to watch.

Saturday, April 26

Dream Team

1st JBH 1771pts
2nd Chris 1763pts
3rd Mikey 1727pts
4th Gumma 1704pts
5th Joanne 1672pts
6th KG Senior 1653pts
7th KG 1631pts
8th Graham 1593pts
9th Pete 1533pts
10th Dale 1292pts
11th Stevie 1259pts
12th Jess 1218pts

Saturday, April 19

Dream Team

1st Chris 1735pts
2nd JBH 1723pts
3rd Gumma 1682pts
4th Mikey 1679pts
5th KG Senior 1630pts
6th Joanne 1615pts
7th KG 1608pts
8th Graham 1565pts
9th Pete 1487pts
10th Dale 1269pts
11th Stevie 1222pts
12th Jess 1157pts

Friday, April 18

Mr Whippy, Ever the Optimist

Saturday, April 12

Dream Team

1st Chris 1704pts
2nd JBH 1669pts
3rd Mikey 1630pts
4th Gumma 1625pts
5th KG 1578pts
6th KG Senior 1558pts
7th Joanne 1556pts
8th Graham 1540pts
9th Pete 1429pts
10th Dale 1242pts
11th Stevie 1198pts
12th Jess 1125pts

Saturday, April 5

Dream Team

1st Chris 1662pts
2nd JBH 1609pts
3rd Mikey 1590pts
4th Gumma 1565pts
5th KG 1532pts
6th Graham 1514pts
7th KG Senior 1485pts
8th Joanne 1479pts
9th Pete 1375pts
10th Dale 1191pts
11th Stevie 1142pts
11th Jess 1066pts

Friday, April 4

The Last Two Weeks

Saturday, March 29

Dream Team

1st Chris 1577pts
2nd JBH 1554pts
3rd Mikey 1517pts
4th KG 1496pts
5th Gumma 1476pts
6th Graham 1462pts
7th Joanne 1449pts
8th KG Snr 1400pts
9th Pete 1319pts
10th Dale 1131pts
11th Stevie 1102pts
12th Jess 1040pts

Saturday, March 22

KG and Jo's Big Birthday Bash

Dream Team

1st Chris 1521pts
2nd JBH 1517pts
3rd Mikey 1495pts
4th KG 1485pts
5th Gumma 1449pts
6th Joanne 1443pts
7th Graham 1441pts
8th KG Senior 1378pts
9th Pete 1280pts
10th Dale 1094pts
11th Stevie 1082pts
12th Jess 1004pts

Friday, March 21

Asda and Stupidity

People of South Bank. Hear my call. The shops will open again, on the 3rd day, much like Jesus. You don't, for example have to buy a trolley full of shopping, as if the apocalypse were upon us.

Also, when it's raining outside, don't clog the fucking entrance up, you cunts.

Birthday! Happy?

On June 20th, the Wallet is 4. I think this is the ideal time to celebrate, as 5 is just so passé and 10 just won't happen.

So, what should we do? We'll probably just go to the pub, but if you can think of something then tell us, eh?


Saturday, March 15

FAO: Mikey

Dream Team

1st JBH 1451pts
2nd Chris 1447pts
3rd KG 1444pts
4th Mikey 1439pts
5th Joanne 1397pts
6th Graham 1391pts
7th Gumma 1372pts
8th KG Senior 1324pts
9th Pete 1240pts
10th Stevie 1068pts
11th Dale 1054pts
12th Jess 991pts

Monday, March 10

4-a-Side Round Up with Big Ron and Clive Tyldesley

"So then Ron, how did you see the game take shape?"

"Well, Clive, I used my eyes as usual. "

"Good stuff Ron, can you give us a rundown of the players?"

"Well Clive, lets start with Peter's team; Peter himself came out early doors and gave it the full gun. After twenty minutes though, he was dead on his feet. Might be carrying a knock, you know. Then there's Phil, by god, he's an amusement arcade this one isn't he Clive? Looked like he was gonna break out the old electric boogaloo at one stage, scored some good goals mind."

"Thanks Ron, what about the big lad up front?"

"Tony M? I'll tell you what, he's got the skills to pay the bills, this lad. He might be knocking on the years now, but he shows the lad inside, does a little lollipop and gives it the full gun into the top corner. The last of the team, Paul, well, I'll tell you what Clive, he was a bit Easy-Oasy to start with, but eventually he got into the crowd scene, gave the keeper the eyes and shovelled one into the bottom corner."

"That's right Ron; an amazing start from those lads but a superb comeback from Mikey's side. Reminiscent of that famous night in Barcelona, Ole Solskjaer and all that."

"Mikey started slowly, but like his shirt, he came to life after a while. Some cracking work late on to nearly inspire a comeback, he was in the wide awake club in the last third alright."

"Took a bit of a knock though didn't he Ron?"

"Well, I'll tell you what Clive, he's gone down like Buddy Holly there."

(off mic - "ha ha ha ha")

"As for Chrissy, he chucks his weight around, shows well and takes his man outside and from behind. A superb arrive at the far stick for one of his goals mind. KG, not bad in the middle of the park, but goes down in installments between the sticks. Took up some nice positions, but some of the passing left him empty."

"What about Dirty Richard, Ron?"

"Well, I'll tell you what Clive, he's been watching cartoons if he thinks he can score from some of the angles he gives it the full gun from. Put himself about and stuck in few reducers early doors as well."

"Thanks for that Ron. We'll be back next week for FA cup semi final action, featuring Marske United against Shotton Colliery Welfare. To finish Ron, what do you think of Marcel Desailly?"

"Well, I'll tell you what Clive, he's just a fucking lazy ni....."

Saturday, March 8

Scouser in a Dog Cage

Keith and Mikey in Benidorm

Dream Team

1st Chris 1401pts
2nd JBH 1382pts
3rd KG 1365pts
4th Mikey 1355pts
5th Gumma 1334pts
6th Graham 1318pts
7th Joanne 1311pts
8th KG Senior 1294pts
9th Pete 1214pts
10th Stevie 1007pts
11th Dale 993pts
12th Jess 965pts

Saturday, March 1

Dream Team

1st JBH 1364pts
2nd Chris 1334pts
3rd KG 1310pts
4th Mikey 1289pts
5th KG Snr 1274pts
6th Joanne 1246pts
7th Gumma 1241pts
8th Graham 1234pts
9th Pete 1146pts
10th Stevie 965pts
11th Dale 937pts
12th Jess 914pts

Tuesday, February 26

Birthday Boy

After the mash up on Saturday for my birthday, here are the boys, Chris, Pete and KG in Walkabout!

Saturday, February 23

Dream Team

1st JBH 1313pts
2nd KG 1305pts
3rd Chris 1252pts
4th KG Senior 1204pts
5th Joanne 1203pts
6th Mikey 1183pts
7th Graham 1182pts
8th Gumma 1178pts
9th Pete 1096pts
10th Stevie 906pts
11th Dale 896pts
12th Jess 878pts

Saturday, February 16

Dream Team

All change and Chris has finally been dislodged from the top spot!

1st JBH 1273pts
2nd KG 1272pts
3rd Chris 1235pts
4th KG Senior 1177pts
5th Graham 1171pts
6th Joanne 1162pts
7th Mikey 1155pts
8th Gumma 1150pts
9th Pete 1089pts
10th Stevie 873pts
11th Dale 865pts
12th Jess 858pts

Wednesday, February 13

An Escape Plea

Sometimes we all just want to get out but imagine if you'd been kept in the same place for 9 months without even seeing the outside world you'd want to be out in the fresh air and especially if your release date was tomorrow (Valentine's Day, chronology fans) and that even that wasn't as sure as you might think it was.

Anyway, I'd definitely want to be out as quick as a flash. Wouldn't you?

Tuesday, February 12


Keith and Mikey's recent trip to Blackpool can be summed up with one picture...

ps. Don't stay at Barron's Hotel. The service is shocking and I was poisoned off their brekkie. And the double bed is broke. And the light. And the mirror. And the TV.
So Barron's Hotel rings us up to ask for a new bed, and after a ten minute argument on the blower, this was a genuine line that she said to KG...
Gita: "C'mon Keith, there must be a brain in there!"
KG: "Ow! Daft cunt! Fuck off!"

Saturday, February 9

Dream Team

1st Chris 1233pts
2nd JBH 1207pts
3rd KG 1201pts
4th KG Senior 1143pts
5th Gumma 1130pts
6th Graham 1128pts
7th Mikey 1118pts
8th Joanne 1113pts
9th Pete 1050pts
10th Dale 859pts
11th Jess 831pts
12th Stevie 825pts

Wednesday, February 6

Dream Team Transfers

Mikey -

Almunia for Kirkland
Lescott for Eboue
Berbatov for Lampard

KG -

Anelka for Rooney
Adebayor for Ashton

Pete -

Lescott for O'Shea
Fabregas for Malouda
Adebayor for Van Persie


Wheater for Terry
Berbatov for Ashton

Chris -

Ferdinand for Terry

KG Senior -

Huth for Riise
Barry for Alonso
Adebayor for McCarthy

Gumma -

Adebayor for Drogba
Anelka for Chopra
Flamini for Geremi

Jess -

Laursen for Taylor
Bentley for Sidwell
Tevez for Owen

Joanne -

Laursen for Hoyte
Fabregas for Defoe
R Keane for Drogba

Sunday, February 3

A new arrival!

Congrats to affiliated Walleteers 'Disco' Dale and Emma 'Roids' Miller who sent Keiron into the world recently. Luckily Kieron hasn't inherited his Dad's suspect dancing, or his mother's suspect hair.

Look! There he is! Er, nice PJs, Emma.

Saturday, February 2

Dream Team


1st Chris 1221pts
2nd JBH 1173pts
3rd KG 1137pts
4th Graham 1115pts
5th KG Senior 1097pts
6th Mikey 1090pts
7th Gumma 1082pts
8th Joanne 1080pts
9th Pete 986pts
10th Dale 836pts
11th Jess 824pts
12th Stevie 813pts

Thursday, January 31


DUE 2nd FEB at 12.15pm!!!

Saturday, January 26


"What a goal. What a goal! Straight through the legs of Adams, it flew towards the roof of the net like a Wurlitzer! I mean, like a ... howitzer"

Yeah I know, posted it before but it is fucking brilliant in every way.

"Alright, the big Nigerian's a crowd pleaser, Clive, but by 'eck he can be a bit of an amusement arcade. Go on son, give it the full gun!"

And (again) a bit of Ronglish for good measure.

Dream Team Update


1st Chris 1160pts
2nd JBH 1109pts
3rd KG 1097pts
4th Jo 1064pts
5th Graham 1056pts
6th Gumma 1033pts
7th KG Senior 1027pts
8th Mikey 1022pts
9th Pete 924pts
10th Jess 802pts
11th Dale 793pts
12th Stevie 783pts

Sunday, January 20

Blackburn vs. Boro 19-1-08

Saturday, January 19

Dream Team Update

1st Chris 1134pts
2nd JBH 1057pts
3rd Graham 1026pts
4th KG 1019pts
5th Gumma 1001pts
6th Joanne 999pts
7th Mikey 989pts
8th KG Senior 972pts
9th Pete 885pts
10th Dale 768pts
11th Stevie 749pts
12th Jess 742pts

Wednesday, January 16

Heroes of the Wallet #4 - Primal Scream

This went out on BBC3 at 8.20 on a Satda night. Then the Scream went on stage:

(from World of Stuart):

BOBBY: Do you wish you were seeing Kylie Minogue?


BOBBY: Well fuuuuuck you. Fuuuuuuck you. Fuuuuuuuck you.

BOBBY: D'you know what...? We came here in a fucking helicopter.

[Nazi salute]

Sunday, January 13

Middlesbrough 12-1-08

What was meant to be a cracking night out to celebrate a brithday with my workmates turned bad and was very very boring. So bored was I that I left them and went and joined KG, Pete and Jo in Yates's.

A text received at 1.03am from the birthday girl herself read as follows,

"I'm in a taxi on me way home, had a fucking shit night, sorry you came out for a rubbish night!"

Just about sums it up really!

Highlight of the night....KG and the female version of Andy Garrens!!

Bullying by Text

In Yates "Wine Lodge" last night, Joanne decided she wanted that song that goes "we're loving it loving it, loving it" put on by the DJ. However, it turned out that the DJ had thrown a sickie, so music was being provided by mixtape.

We couldn't remember who sang the aforementioned song, so I texted 'Texperts' on 66000 and asked them. KG couldn't quite believe the standard of Texpert's service, so texted them his own question: "Why am I a lardhead?".

Minutes later, we both got replies; DJ Pied Piper for the song, and for KG:

According to Urban Dictionary, lardhead: one whose head is so fat, it seems as if he has no neck or chin. Possible causes: overeating/hormonal disorder.

Fucking lardhead.

2008 and all that

So, it's 2008 and we're still here, nearly 4 years later. Unbelievably, all 3 of us are still alive also (KG is alive, however it's only anecdotal evidence that says so). It's taken us most of that 3 and a bit years to realise that we aren't making this stuff for a global audience and that we'll never probably make much out of it.

However, we do still do it (albeit on a lazy basis) for our friends and to keep as a record of what we did when we were in our mid to late twenties. You know, for alibis and what have you.

Somewhere over the horizon I hear both readers shout "What will you do in the new year?"

Well, who knows? We'll try and log the big events as usual, but if you can think of something you'd like to see 3 morbidly obese idiots do, then drop us a note in the comments or send us an email.

And hey, the BW might just fix it for you!

Saturday, January 12

Dream Team

1st Chris 1066pts
2nd JBH 975pts
3rd Joanne 969pts
4th Graham 959pts
5th KG 925pts
6th Mikey 922pts
7th Gumma 912pts
8th KG Senior 899pts
9th Pete 829pts
10th Stevie 745pts
11th Jess 728pts
12th Dale 713pts

Sunday, January 6

FAO: Mikey

Piece of you, this.

And this, natch.

Middlesbrough 5-1-08

My resolution for the new year is to keep a better track of what we're up to.

Me, Phil, KG and Chris ended up in a very quiet Middlesbrough last night for a night out.

We drank lots of Red Bull...

And looked like chavs...

Saturday, January 5

Dream Team Scores

1st Chris 1030pts
2nd Joanne 952pts
3rd JBH 935pts
4th Graham 912pts
5th KG 900pts
= 6th Gumma 884pts
= 6th Mikey 884pts
7th KG Senior 869pts
8th Pete 807pts
9th Stevie 717pts
10th Jess 709pts
11th Dale 689pts

Tuesday, January 1


There's a "Burnley Wallet Fans" group on Facebook now, join up NOW!

I'd add a link but you have to be logged in, so not much point. I reiterate my point that if you don't use Facebook you are either a hermit or a moron. Or both.

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