Friday, June 29

Joke Help

I was sorting out a drawer of books I had under my bed (check my ebay in the next few days, they're all going on), after my hard week of decorating and a tattered copy of "Oh no Not Another 1000 Jokes For Kids!!" came into my hand.

It was then that I remembered the joke of doom, that one joke that me, Pete and everyone else that ever read it never got.

I got Googling and found this on b3ta. This could in fact have been written by Pete...

When I was younger, my Dad bought me and my brother one of those joke books. There was this one joke that I never understood, and still don't, and neither does my brother or anyone else I've told it too, and it still annoys the hell out of me to this day, 15 years later.

It goes:

'It was getting near to Jimmy's birthday, so Mum asked him what he wanted most. 'A ping pong ball mom!' Mum was confused, and spoke to dad about it.


The next day, Dad asked Jimmy what he wanted - 'A ping-pong ball dad!' Dad was similarly confused. The next day, they both asked him, and still the reply was 'A ping-pong ball please!'

Each time they asked him what he wanted, Jimmy would always say 'A ping-pong ball!' On his birthday, Jimmy opened lots of presents, including a new bike, but looked dissapointed.

Then, Mum and Dad handed him a box, which he opened, and exclaimed 'Wow! A ping-pong ball! Thanks!' He then rushed upstairs, extremely excited. After a few minutes, mum and dad crept upstairs to see why Jimmy was so excited.

Dad peeked around Jimmy's door, and exclaimed 'Ah! So THATS what you wanted the ping pong ball for'

And that's it, thats the joke. What the hell! Where's the punchline!? Why did he want a ping-pong ball? What was he doing with it? Why is it so important! Is it just me being thick or what? It is some kind of postmodernist joke, y'know, it's-funny-cos-there-is-no-punchline? Is it funny cos you never find out why he wanted the bastard ping pong ball and that's the joke? WHAT IS IT! And why has this bugged the crap out of me for 15 years!!!

To this day, I can't hear the words 'ping-pong ball' without wincing.


But I couldn't find any replies or follow up posts. Nghtmare!!

Bit more Googling and I found an alternative joke about the same thing but it's lost the key unexplainable punchline!

There is this little boy and he is about to turn 10. His dad asked him what he wanted for his birthday. So his son says Dad, all I want is a ping pong ball. So his dad, puzzled, gets him a ping pong ball. He goes into the woods and comes back but he doesn't have the ping pong ball any more.

So he is about to turn 13 now. His dad asked him what he wanted for his birthday. So his son says Dad, all I want is a pack of ping pong ball. So his dad, puzzled, gets him a pack of ping pong balls. He goes into the woods and comes back but he doesn't have the ping pong balls any more.

So he is about to turn 16. His dad asked him what he wanted for his birthday. So his son says Dad, all I want is a box of ping pong balls. So his dad, puzzled, gets him a box of ping pong balls. He goes into the woods and comes back but he doesn't have the ping pong balls any more.

So he is turning 18 now. His dad asked him what he wanted for his birthday. So his son says Dad, all I want is a 5 gallon bucket of ping pong balls. So his dad, puzzled, gets him a 5 gallon bucket of ping pong balls. He goes into the woods and comes back but he doesn't have the ping pong balls any more.

Now he is turning 21. His dad asked him what he wanted for his birthday. So his son says Dad, all I want is a dump truck full of ping pong balls. So his dad, puzzled, gets him a dump truck full of ping pong balls. He goes into the woods and comes back but he doesn't have the ping pong balls any more.

A couple years later, his son gets in a terrible car accident and is hospitalized. So his dad is by his side and all, and he says to his son.....Son, I have to know one thing, WHAT in the world did you do with all those ping pong balls!??!?!?!


His son looks up, and he says....Dad, I ........and then he died.

More Googling....no results.

Someone, somewhere must have an explanation PLEASE!!!!!

Sunday, June 24

Are you a smartarse?

Maybe you are. Have a go here, and leave your IQ in the comments. You clever people, you.

Thursday, June 21

Argos

This is seriously funny...Geordie has a go at Argos.

Click and listen.

Wednesday, June 20

Flaming Shots

Why we shouldn't piss about with our Sambuka!!

Warning!

Sunday, June 17

Part 4

All the videos are up to date at last, any other dribs and drabs will be saved for when I have an idea drought.

Last up we have the skipping championship from Phil and Kathryn's recent BBQ and a prank phone call that will have you in stitches!!



Friday, June 15

Heroes of the Wallet #3 - Diego Maradona

This was what he could do when he was just farting about. Imagine what he would be like in the Premiership, when it really mattered. The comparisons between Cristiano Ronaldo and El Diego are nonsense. How much would he be worth now?



By the way, did you see those huge keepy uppies he was doing? Gary Lineker tells a story involving Diego and a training session for a World XI. Diego picked a ball and started belting it into the air, and then, without it bouncing, smashed it into the air again. At least 30 times. Ruud Gullit (then probably the closest to Diego in the 'best player in the world' stakes) had a go. He managed 6.

Part 3

More videos and more to come.

First up...

Poor old me getting into a tickling contest with a mad taxi driver in Middlesbrough, listen out for KG, Phil and Kathryn giggling!!



Steven Davies aka Eggshell a former barman at Lloyds gets a singing too and two weird lads get spoken to outside the Town Hall. Another drunken night in Boro.

Five a Side

It was a wet night at Goals last night but only underfoot as the rain held off.
We decided upon a rematch from last week.

Me, Paul, KG and The Doc hammered Pete, Phil, Dale and Chris into submission taking an almost ten goal lead at one point.

Ratings

Pete - Put in a good effort, got frustrated with his team mates who got frustrated with him! Some good goals and skills. 7.

Dale - Does everything right but score, needs to find a right foot. 7.

Chris - Been better in the last few weeks and shooting was a little bit wayward. 6.

Phil - Had plenty of running and shocing and kicking in him but he got plenty back mainly from me! 7.

vs.

Me - Lots of running and tackling, and fouling. Shooting was unbelievably bad. Scored 3 but should have had 10. 7.

KG - Some lovely stuff from KG, skills and goals. 8.

Paul - awesome play, goals, passing, tackling and goalkeeping. 9.

The Doc - lot more running than last week and was collossal in goal. 9.

Round 3 next week?

Thursday, June 14

Part 2

Best ending to a video ever?

Wednesday, June 13

Part 1 of the Videos

First up we have poor Annette caught on camera having it large!!!



Then we have some footage from the BBQ Pete and Jo recently held for all of us...



And lastly poor old me getting a good soaking this Saturday afternoon just gone!



More soon!!!

Monday, June 11

Extreme Inebriation


Oh, and so many brilliant videos to come!!

Big Brother

It's actually quite good. We've had a bit of racism and a plenty of flesh. More please!

When they finally get to nominate, will the twins count as one? It's a serious question therefore I expect a serious answer.

Extreme Concentration



Sunday, June 10

Telly

Oh dear. Tv has finally hit the bottom of the barrel. "Britain's got talent" is, for those of you who don't know, sort of X-Factor - but you can do anything you like. If the first ten minutes are any thing to go by, Britain's talent got up and fucked off quite a long time ago.

So, first up, a ventriloquist. He was brilliant, right up until he tried actually being a ventriloquist. He asked his dummy a question, and then just continued speaking but moved the dummy's lips, along with his own. He was unbelievably poor.

Next came an interjection from the ubiquitous Ant, and indeed, Dec. "He's rubbish!" guffawed Ant. "Why aye man, I know!" Dec geordied back. I was ready to stab them, and myself by now. Ant and Dec's job is clearly to just pull funny faces in the links.

I'm now watching a 70 year old make a total fool of herself by rapping. Simon Cowell looks like he might have pissed himself with fear. Then, on cue, the 70 year old pissed herself (not really).

Saturday night was much better. Well, Doctor Who was anyway. Having Sky Plussed it, I watched it through a red stripe induced fog this morning (I was at the Teesside Skipping Championships last night, finishing a humiliating last). Doc Who was tremendous. After a clumsy start, it's right in it's stride now. I'll never walk past a statue again without a bit of fear in my heart.

You can watch it here as well, after you install the divx bit of jiggery pokery. Just don't blink.

Friday, June 8

Five a Side: Drop Out Special

College drop outs Russ and Tony M made this a 4 a side affair. "And let me tell ya something Mean Gene, it was a killer, brother!!!"

Anyway enough of 'The Hulkster' and on to the four a side game of champions.

Pete...a cracking performance from Pete, about half way through he pointed out that he hadn't scored and then all of a sudden turned into a man possessed slotting them home from all directions. 9.

Phil...if Schwarzer goes, then Boro should sign him up. Could we score past him? Could we fuck. The lad was the goal keeping king. 9.

Dale...Dale was his usual gazelle like self, sprinting around the place like he weighed no more than 6 stone (oh wait hang on!). Maybe could have scored a few more! 8.

Chris....despite suffering from leukemia Chris fought on valiantly, another good display. 8.

Vs.

Me...not bad going for me, got in some hefty tackles on Dale, Chris and Pete mainly because Phil was in goal and scored a few. Missed my penatly in the shootout though!! 8.

KG....AWESOME!! Nah, he was alright I suppose, worked his Donnay socks off and nearly broguht his tea up after ten minutes of sprinting about. 8.

Paul...Another good display from this fella! Plenty of goals too. 8.

The Doc...Doc was in scintillating form and scored many a goal. Our team was equally good. 8.

We won the shoot out after, I think, Dale missed in sudden death.

Wednesday, June 6

And there's more to come

Wallet gone quiet you think? What are they up to, you ask?

Well, I am without sound at the minute on my PC, which means I have this huge backlog of cracking videos I can't edit and match up with the sound track - how technical?

Anyway, we have...

Me singing My Way at a party I wasn't even invited to.

A couple of videos from Lloyds Bar in Boro where the poor bar staff get a good talking to.

Some weird studenty types who were stood outside the Town Hall who get verbal abuse from me and KG.

A couple of brilliant taxi rides in Middlesbrough including one where I get tickled to death.

A 6 minute video of brilliance, with a properly funny ending.

And...

Quite frankly the best prank call you have ever heard.

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