Thursday, March 29

Changing Rooms

83 Unused Window Sealant packs (don't even bother asking.)
7 Toolkits
4 Dead Spiders
2 Lardheads
1 Pikey

Yes, myself and KG decided it was time to clean out the garage at his Mam's house for a bit of a giggle.

I say a bit of a giggle, it was more a bit of a nightmare.

"Hey Mikey, we could change it into a gym or summat!"

"Er, hows about a bar?"

"Fuck me, a never thought of that."

Away we went.

I have never seen so much junk in a small amount of space since I last had the bonnet up on the Punto. This time though, I had the boot up on the Punto and in went bits of wood, a smashed in hi-fi, two, what can only be described as , 'unused', drill sets and a kitchen waste bin full with...

"Kitchen waste?" I asked.

"No mate, it's full of Rollerblades."

So with the Punto loaded up for trucking and the grizzly KG unfortunately not in hot pursuit I made my way to the Recycling Centre in Warrenby just outside Redcar.

It's more of a Pikey's playground than a Recycling Centre. When I got there I thought I had just driven into the set of Snatch and was about to be asked, "Ye wanna buy a caravan?"

I pulled up to any random skip and started unloading when this rough fella comes over, fag in mouth, coat ripped.



"What the hell are ye doing son? Ye cannet put stuff where ye want ye know. Hang on fella, are doze drills in good nick?"

"Dunno mate. What shall I do with this kitchen waste bin?"

"Kitchen waste bin? What's in it?"

I had to think fast. I didn't want to end up ina fight with One Punch (or was it One Lung?!) Mickey.

I gave a look of despair and sighed.

"Roller-pissing-blades."

Telly Progs

Click here for an an excellent site, listing links to flash versions (sometimes in outstanding detail) of telly programmes both past and present.

And yeah, that really is all of the episodes of Bottom. Watch them now!

Saturday, March 24

The AA Insurance Advert

WARNING! I'm going to get something off my chest - this will involve swearing.....

No doubt you've seen the AA insurance advert. You know, the one were the woman picks up the child in her car, he's got headphones on and she tries to tell him about her day but he can't hear her. Because of his headphones. Natch.

Perhaps, though it's not because of his headphones. Perhaps it's because every time he gets in the car YOU TALK TO HIM ABOUT FUCKING CAR INSURANCE WHEN HE'S BEEN AT SCHOOL ALL DAY, YOU BORING OLD BASTARD, like he could GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT IT ANYWAY, because let's face it YOU'RE ONLY THERE TO SHUTTLE HIM FROM ONE PLACE TO ANOTHER ANYWAY AND MAYBE COOK HIM SOME CHIPS AND GIVE HIM MONEY TO SPEND ON DRUGS. Maybe.

For Christ's sake, she looks so happy about getting some new insurance. Can somebody's day really be so shitty that they get all excited about renewing their policy? Surely not.

Ah, that feels much better.

Scream Team

This is seriously close now, what with us all having very similar teams at the top. All it's going to take is a hattrick from Rooney to make me win it...

1st Pete 1301pts
2nd KG 1276pts
3rd Me 1266pts
4th Dale & Emma 1211pts
5th Graham 1158pts
6th Jo 1148pts
7th KG Senior 998pts
8th JBH 972pts
9th Annette 611pts

Once this England week is over then we have got some serious games to decide who takes home the Dream Team prize!

Friday, March 23

Did You Think We Forgot?

Okay it is a week later but it was in fact KG's birthday on Friday.
The old bastard turned 24 and celebrated in style by pretty much wrecking half of Normanby and Middlesbrough.

Me and KG started off in the Norman Conquest in Normanby and, 12 pints later, were joined in the Pov by the rest of the wrecking crew.

A couple of stories...

After leaving the Conquest, I managed to not hop over the perimiter fence as I managed to catch my trailing leg and topple over in the mud.


Walking down the road towards the Tiger pub (where KG caned the fruity for about 40 minutes), KG spots a missing dog poster....

"Hello?"

"Hiya mate, av just seen the poster on the lampost like, about the cocker spaniel? Yeah well av only fucking found him avn't a?"

"Really? Does he have long ears?"

"Orh yeah mate, fucking massive."

"And what about it's tail? Does it have a long tail?"

"Nah mate. UNLIKE ME!!!"

Another one from the town was this poor sod...

You see, his shirt caused great offence to KG so, when he bumped into the lad on his way back from the gents, all hell broke loose.

"Think ya fucking clever advertising class a drugs mate?!"

As Phil put it, "All we heard was, 'Urgent assistance required upstairs!' and we knew it was KG!!!"

Cracking night was had by all.

And, here's a little vid of the celebrations...


Monday, March 19

The Best Photo EVER.

Sunday, March 18

Joe's Birthday

We went to Joanne's 30th Birthday last night. It was fancy dress. We all looked seriously foolish. To commemorate reaching 30, Joe has created a site to showcase her photos and allow her guests to leave a message - and hey, you were probably there if you're reading this.

Give this a click if you wanna have a look!

Tuesday, March 13

30 things update

Well I am pleased to announce that today I achieved...

25. Have something named after you.

Meet Michael...


You see, our Mam bought herself some new goldfish today and unbeknownst to her I suggested the following, "Why don't you call that one Michael?"

She agreed!

1-0-0 Mikey!!

Saturday, March 10

Going Home

A drunken KG and a filming Mikey made there way home last night after one too many. First up some Brent dancing, then a glimpse at KG's for sale sign fetish before finally passing out in his house.

Watch now...

Dream Team Update

At last we have a Dream Team update and for me, this is not going to be happy typing.


Transfers are in, scores have been updated and let me tell you now, this is squeeky bum time.

1st KG 1194pts

2nd Pete 1193pts

3rd Me 1158pts

4th Dale & Emma 1149pts

5th Joanne 1105pts

6th Graham 1095pts

7th KG Senior 942pts

8th JBH 836pts

9th Annettee 575pts.

As most of us at the top have stolen each others ideas and, now have very similar teams, there's a few key players who can win this for us. This could be a cracking finale to the season!!

Thursday, March 8

30 things to do before KG is 30

Mike's done this before, ages ago, when the Wallet was a youngster. But some of the things just cost too much, and because we were blogging so much then we just got lost in the storm of posts.

So, we've refined the list, and there's a link to it in the sidebar, over there, look -> so you can see how we're getting on.

THE RULES

  • We start today, 8th March 2006.
  • We end when KG turns 30, ie 16th March 2013.
  • We can't break any laws.
  • We can't put ourselves in immediate danger.
  • All three of us have to do the task, no good for one or two of us.
  • Those tasks that one or two of us have done previous to today don't count, so my fortnight on the piss in Benidorm counts for nowt.

But otherwise, anything goes!

THE THINGS

1. Lad's Holiday - abroad
2. Visit a country in every continent
3. Win more than £500 quid in one bet
4. Go to an international sporting event
5. Go out every night, including nightclubs, for a week.
6. Attend the Munich Beer Festival
7. Have a horrific accident on video.
8. Send it to You've Been Framed
9. Win a 5-a-side footy trophy.
10. Drive across America
11. See the northern lights
12. Represent a country at a sporting event.
13. Go round a golf course in par or better.
14. Gatecrash a celebrity party, and get away with it. And get in the papers somehow.
15. Night in a haunted house.
16. Get in a national newspaper with a surreal story (a la Uncle Reg)
17. Dye your hair blonde, or get it in a stupid style.
18. Go to a music festival. Done by Mikey and KG, if you count Middlesbrough Music Live.
19. Fly a plane.
20. Smoke cigars in Havana.
21. Own a car with more than 300BHP.
22. Go camping.
23. Learn to cook, properly.
24. Race a Ferrarri round Silverstone.
25. Have something named after you. Done by Mikey!
26. Be on the telly.
27. Have a European Tour.
28. Do a Cannonball Run style race with a load of mates.
29. Stage a protest.
30. Still be alive at the end...

Wednesday, March 7

The Top Gear Challenge

Ever since KG bought himself a car the other week the three of us have been itching to do this one...

Make Your Own Top Gear Feature.

Because we love Top Gear and the current series has now ended, we are going to fill the void. So, KG and Pete and whoever else is up for this (Wallet readers - that means you) you've got till the end of March to make a feature approximately five minutes long. Everyone has a mobile camera these days so crack on.

The more over the top, dramatic and ridiculous the better. There will be a prize for the winner of course as well like a certificate or something. We'll find an independent judge somewhere.

And, because I knew this was coming, here's a little teaser of mine...

The Illustrious Fiat Punto.

Monday, March 5

Genuine Drama

For Christmas, I received 'Vice City Stories' the latest incarnation of the Grand Theft Auto franchise on PSP. Vice City, for those of you who are unaware of the geography of this fictional gangland, is split into two islands - with the splendidly named Starfish Island in the centre.

You can't get into one of the islands at the start of the game. All the bridges are closed because there's apparently a huge weather system on the way. Eventually, you get far enough into the game - the bridges open, the weather system fails to appear and you can now fart about in all of the game you paid 40 fucking quid for.

GTA:VCS is dull. You only play it to open up the other side of the islands, so you're able to free-roam through the entire game. All of the excitement is found in finding little nooks and crannies, things hidden away from the level structure of the game, so once you find the secret guns and bikes and whatnot, the game gets massively dull. Today though, I played the most dramatic, heart pounding, wondrous game I've ever experienced. What was it? Brian Lara Cricket on the Xbox.

I don't mean that it's like that every time. BLC has faults, some pretty serious ones at that - you can only return the ball to the striker's end, it sometimes gives you out for nothing, un-licensed test cricket, David Gower commentating with a plum in his mouth and up his arse - but it plays a decent game of cricket most of the time.

Despite it's failings, the test game is quite authentic (except the names) in being not only a test of skill, but patience as well. It's quite possible to score 2 runs in 12 overs (72 balls, non cricket people) so you have to really stick in there and make the most of the chances.

What about the drama, the excitement I hear you asking. Well, I was playing today against the West Indies, on the Test (hardest) level. They bowled me out in my first innings for a mediocre 159. I set about restricting their advantage well, but Lara and Jacobs settled in and I eventually skittled them for 184.

My second innings was much the same, leaving me in front by 144, with 2 days to play. A draw was out of the question, I had to bowl them out, and pretty quickly. Things started well, fifth ball of the first over, Harmison knocking stumps everywhere with a 95 mph sizzler. Two more fell quickly, leaving the Windies 19-3. Things looked promising. Problem was, Lara was back with his mate Jacobs again, Harmison and Flintoff had tired. Giles was brought into the attack but was swiftly disregarded as Lara smashed 18 off him in one over. Shit.

With the Windies on 115-3, and with time running out, I brought Hoggard into the attack. His first delivery arrowed into the head of Lara, knocking him down and reducing his confidence - time to bring the field in. Next ball, another bouncer, and Lara swings and turns one into the slips - got him!

Flintoff from the other end, a wonder over 3 90mph plus efforts, then a 45mph dribbler totally mistimed and caught on the boundary. 115 - 5. If I can take the next man, Flintoff, Hoggard and Harmison can rip through the tail-enders. Come on, concentrate.

Hoggard to Tino Best, oops. Field brought in to the leg side, try a slow ball down the wrong side and he smashes it for 6, onto the roof of the stand. Bollocks. 121-5. Tension is getting to me now. No-balls become common occurences. Windies on 129-5. 15 to win. Flintoff to Jacobs, now on 31, and Freddie comes up with an absolute monster, 98mph, LBW given straight away. 4 to get.

Next ball, last of the over, not very well guided but the batsman swings anyway - caught! 3 to go. New over, only facing tailenders now, Harmison back into the attack, field right in on top. Aim straight at the stumps, they won't be able to play it...and they can't, stumps everywhere again, 2 to get, can't get it wrong now.

129-8. Two to go. Harmison, second ball of the new over, second victim - 96mph inswinger, big swing from the batsman but far too late. Harmison on a hat trick and one needed to take the game. In he comes, and away he goes, first ball, demolition job on middle stump. 5 wickets in 5 balls, nice one.

It might sound a bit over the top. That's how it happened, and while the write up might not sound very interesting due to poor English, I was literally jumping out of my seat when the 5 wickets went down, and sweating with every poor delivery.

GTA:VCS is like a film. It has people paid to write a script to create tension, drama from extreme circumstance and actions. Sport doesn't. Sport makes it's own stories. Be it Man United in the Champion's league final, Schumacher scything his way through the field in his last race to try and take the title, or Harmison's last over dismissal of Kasprowicz in the Ashes in 2005, film, and indeed games, have nothing to match it.

Friday, March 2

Happy Days

Thursday, March 1

I Want To Ride My Bicycle

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