Sunday, February 25

Chaz is off to Canada

Good luck from all at the Wallet, come back safely (but not too quickly, otherwise all of these messages of support will sound extremely hollow. Especially to you), and make sure you keep your myspace thingy updated so we know how you're getting on.

Oh, and make sure you do come back, I've just found a good site for panda pics to make half-arsed concoctions like the one above. It would be a shame to waste it.

Thursday, February 22

A Birthday Song

You all know the words, sing along now, c'mon!

Happy birthday to you!

Happy birthday to you!

Happy birthday dear Mikey, you drunken stumbling pissed student-cunt-calling aftershock-forgetting Brent-dancing pint-sinking lardhead....

Happy birthday to you!

Many happy returns chief, from all of us at the Wallet (Me and KG).

Wednesday, February 21

Dreaming of You

Dreams are pretty mad aren’t they.

Salvador Dali obviously thought that were because apparently he painted what he saw in his dreams.

The Dream

Well though my dreams aren’t exactly Dali like, they are pretty surreal. Lately, after having a weird one, I have taken to typing out a draft text in my mobile then checking it when I awake so that I remember said dream in the morning.

I’ve done this for about a week now and the results are weird.

The Triad Double Cross

Yes this almost Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels affair came to me the other night. It was a stormy night on Redcar promenade down by Leos and I park up at the meeting point where I am to do a deal with a bunch of Triads. That’s right gangsters from the far east.

As I am about to hand over the package having already received the cash a police van reverses in to the scene with its back doors open.

Peter sprays sub machine gun fire at the gang as I leap in to the back. KG is driving, giggling away to himself and shouts, “Get in will ya, close the doors Mikey!!!!” He then wheel spins away with the siren on full.

"Get in will ya!!"

We then drive home along the Trunk Road laughing like crazy and saying things like “How funny was it when that skinny one got shot and then tripped on the kerb.”

Andrew Garrens’ Rearranged Head

Following a day long piss up, myself, several workmates and Andrew Garrens were due to attend a night match at the Riverside. Now most of us have seen Andrew drunk. Well I have more than others and to say he gets lairy is an understatement! This transferred into the dream world.

So, just before the match kicks off we just about make it to our seats and AG starts abusing these blokes. It all gets a bit hairyy in the stand and me and the others leave AG to it and leg it from the ground. We go back to work a day later after lots of phone calls from his worried missus and get there to find Andrew with a rearranged head where he has been battered and all he can say is in an extremely slurred voice, “I just don‘t remember anything.”

Rearranged meaning one eye is where his mouth is, an ear is upside down etc. A bit like when Bob Mortimer got his head stuck in the washing machine on Bang Bang its Reeves and Mortimer many moons ago. Pete will know what I mean.

Though pretty horrific, I almost wet myself laughing when I told KG about this one!!

KG and Mikey get lost at the Riverside

This was a weird one. Myself and KG managed to get lost at the Riverside going to a match with KG constantly assuring me he "knows where he is going" and that all the occurrences are normal (being searched, having to go through metal xrays and fill in forms) and we end up in a bar.

“Our seats are just through there!” he says after a good half an hour of walking around and settling down to a pint.

Skunks Natural Habitat
When we finally get to the seats, we are at the wrong ground.

The Bus to Work

This one saw my car break down and have to get the bus to work. The bus usually takes 25 minutes or so to get there in real life. Not in dream land.

3 hours later and the driver was pulling into a strange village and I was on the phone explaining where I was, what I did at the weekend and where the bus was now.

Then the bus broke down.

And then it snowed.

Not the 263

I got to work at 4.30pm and was told the office had closed early due to the snow.

“See you tomorrow Mike.”

Invite to Workmates House

In this dream I got an invite to a workmates house. A workmate who I never talk to except the odd "Hi", rarely see and have nothing to do with other than they are regularly in the office. So I drive over to their house (where I don’t know - but it’s a big old boy) and I am invited inside. I am under the impression this is going to be a huge gathering of workmates and families. No, of course not.

It’s just me.

They then make me watch a film about space cadets training to visit the moon and it also features an animatronic of The Thing from the Fantastic Four crossed with C3-PO.

KG with his shirt off

Being made to watch this in the dark, on my own and with it being a seriously crap film I start nodding off but every time I do the workmate starts the film again.
The Dentists Chair

I've had this dream twice now.

I am in the dentists chair being mauled to death and it is as if the DJ on TFM who, despite being located 20 miles away, somehow knows I am there. He then plays Muse's "Supermassive Black Hole." to hilariously match my cavity laden teeth.

Oh wait, that one is real and has happened. Twice.

How’s that for an insight into my current state of mind?!

Are you a dream expert - what on earth are these all about?

And you reader - how weird are your dreams?

Leave a comment below.

All you need is cash

I'm skint.

So if anyone is interested in any of this, please place a bid!!


Tuesday, February 20

“What in Christ’s name is that?”

Dance moves come and dance moves go. The moonwalk, the twist, the mashed potato, the lindy hop.

Not too long ago a new dance move was brought into our lives.

Allow me to explain. In fact, here’s Robbie Hislop completely off his tits in the Terrace bar on Albert Road showing us just how its done.

This craze took off and quickly it became a feature of almost every night we went on.


Because quite simply it was 'hilarious' to do something a little bit mental, off the wall and to bring out the natural “spaz” in all of us!

Paul Ahdal, a colleague of KG invented it, I think. Or maybe he’s just showing his age and has adapted it from Ian Curtis of Joy Division.

If one person loved it, it was KG. We just couldn’t stop him at one point. He was so in to it he used to put in warm up sessions in his back garden.

Even on nights out. Here’s KG going for it in Yates.

Then one hot summers day last year after the brilliant stag night in Liverpool, a few of us stayed out in Normanby and I lost my Dead Fly virginity. On camera.

But it didn’t stop there and at the hot summers day celebrating Chris and Alex’s wedding a few weeks later this happened…

And, well I am very pleased to say that was it, its all over with, retired and put to bed.

It was fun while it lasted!! I have to say though how many people asked themselves the question when they saw us…

“What in Christ’s name is that?”

It was the legendary Dead Fly.

Sunday, February 18

Mike's B'day Night Out

Mike turns an elderly 24 (I think) on Thursday, so the lardheads gathered in Middlesbrough to have a few beers and some sparkling conversation - sorry, get smashed off their twats and sing Boro songs.


I'm not going to list all of the pubs, I think the Wallet has moved on since those days, but we started in the Southfield road area and finished somewhere entirely different. Or me, Joe, jodie and Gary did anyway.

The group loved Phil's elephant impression.

Pubs were visited, and drinks were downed. Especially by Mike. Sambuccas were sunk by the bucket load, as were blue aftershocks (so I learned today) amongst the usual pints and coronas. He was steaming. He found himself at one point stood on the raised parts of the street near Debenhams doing his Brent dance, and calling a passing student (and I quote) a "cunt".

"I see no ships." "You're in the town." "Oh yeah."

I ended up in the Bongo however, leaving a ratted Mike in Walkabout. He had started doing that dance he does where he jumps on your back, and a drunk, heavy, bulky Mike is not wat you want on your back.

A poster for Mike and KG only.

The Bongo has sold out. It was once the bottom of the pile, but also slightly mysterious due to it's impenetrable reggae and marijuana atmosphere. Now it smells of cheap fags and cheaper perfume. The music has gone from "what the fuck?" to "why the fuck?" - UB40 and Bob Marley, for Christ's sake.

You can spell 'inconveniences' but not 'apologise'? You fukkin dikk-eds.

The last bastion of grimy nightclubs has finally fallen off the radar. A sad, sad day all round. But a good night out.

Tulips from Hamster Jam


You may, or indeed may not, remember this. Well that was last year, and this is now. So, as is becoming the norm, I was sent all expenses paid to a European capital city for a gathering of the European ICT Team (nerds, in other words).

This year was Amsterdam, land of cheap women, expensive lager and even more expensive hotels, a veritable lardheads mecca. And there I was with my bosses.

After flying in from Durham Tees Valley airport, the only airport in Europe with a cottage for a terminal, I arrived in the city-like Schiphol. 25 minutes later I arrived at passport control, and then another 25 minutes I arrived at the front door. It is truly awesome, but more on that later.

A robbing Dutch bastard drove me to the hotel, taking me for 70 Euros - I found out soon that the train was about 4 Euros, and a free minibus would have took me the rest of the way. D'oh! Ah well, you live and learn, plus it wasn't my money anyway I suppose.

The hotel refused to accept my card, so I rang the office and got them to sort it all out for me while I enjoyed a nice cold Heineken, the first of many. I got in the room at last, found there were no english channels, so went back to the bar to await the others arriving.

3 hours later, no-one. No mobiles switched on, no answer from any of the nerds, just me in an empty hotel (everyone else was at work still, you see). The free minibus pulled up, so I jumped on it and whizzed off into the centre of the town. Walking in a perfect square, so as not to get hopelessly lost in a foreign city, I expertly found an English bar, and hopefully someone to talk to. I hadn't spoken to anyone for 4 hours, and my mouth was welding itself shut.

The English pub did indeed contain an Englishman, well a half dutch half english millwall fan, who kept me entertained with stories of Amsterdam excess. Left this bar, and completed my full circle back to the bus. Well, nearly. Walking down another indentikit street, I was startled by a knock on a window, which caused me to jump so high I nearly fell in the canal. Turning round I saw two enormous, scantily-clad prossies laughing at me. Fat cunts. After this I made off back to the hotel, for a few more beers, until I was finally contacted by a fellow nerd to go back into the centre for tea.

Tea was superb, not your usual fare at all. Back to the hotel then, another pint and bed.


Awoke with a start due to an unplanned wake up call. Went for a shower and a shit, and noticed something weird in the bathroom. There was a phone next to the toilet. Not sure why, I never think "Ooh I could do with a pizza" mid-dump (although I believe KG does do this), so I'm not sure why it was there.

"Yes, I'd like some room service please. I have constipation."

Breakfast was eaten, and we set off for the meeting. I won't bore you with this bit, so...

After the meeting the big activity was due. We were led down the stairs of the plant to the front door, where we saw a barge arrive. We were taken on a sight seeing tour, inluding the red light district and most of the main attractions.

You know when you've been Tangoed.

We docked (parked?) next to a restaurant, and after venturing inside we found there were 4 easels set up next to our table. We had to paint for our food.

Some artists, artisting.

Split into teams of 3, we had to apply a background to our canvas, and then design and paint a masterpiece, all between meals and without ruining our appetites. The picture had to incorporate something from each of our respective countries. I would have picked a parmo, but these are notoriously difficult not only to paint, but also to explain to a Belgian. Big Ben it was then...

A true masterpiece. Not by Rembrandt.

Afterwards, the dutch staff have us a guided tour of the red light district, which was funny, but at the same time slightly menacing as well. This is what gives Amsterdam it's reputation though, and it would have been rude not to see it.


Breakfast. Meeting. Taxi to the airport, for 70 Euros yet again. We passed some awesome buildings on the way back, including the stunning ABN Amro building. Arriving at the airport I realised just how big the place was. The gates at Teeside go 1-4. That's it. The gates at Schiphol go A-H, then subdivided 1-87 (at least), then each number was divided again A-J. Fucking hell, It would be like a bastard marathon finding my plane.

And it was. At least 40 mins from start to finish, walking all the way, with a Heineken pit stop in the middle. Then the plane was delayed for an hour and 25 mins. Gutted. I was absolutely knackered, and just wanted to be home. Luckily, the pilot stuck the afterburners on and had us home in 45 minutes to meet the waiting executive taxi.

Amsterdam is excellent, a proper capital city, but the tourist bits can be quite dangerous looking, and I think it would be easy to get into some serious shit if you're the mouthy type. We shall have to try it though.

Version of Events

Well it was an awesome night out last night, thank you everyone that came and took part.

I just can't remember much of it.

7 shots of Sambuka later I couldn't even remember my own name. So come on ladies and gents, let me know your version of events. Are the stories of lovely ladies in Walkabout and doing the David Brent dance true?

Friday, February 16


Pete's in Amsterdam.

Space Cakes?


Live Sex Shows?

Doped up to the eyeballs?

Red Light Zone?


Text received from Pete last night after I tried to ring him...

"Now chief what did you want? I am painting in Amsterdam."

Sunday, February 11


This is officially the 2000th post on the Wallet.

As a special treat for you, our loyal reader, we went to the Eston Recreation Grounds (the Rec) today to do a "BW hit the crossbar challenge 2000th post special".

After much planning, we arrived at the aforementioned Rec. It was like a bog, a bog filled with soggy slippy brown shitty mud. After much sliding about we got on with the job in hand.

A bog.

We found that we couldn't actually propel the ball from the halfway line to the goal, never mind onto the crossbar. So, we revised our plans and stood, unambitiously, on the edge of the penalty area. Still we failed.

Success! Once.

Well, except Phil, who pinged one effortlessly onto the bar with his first crack, but then injured himself on the excessively over inflated ball supplied by KG. It was like a fucking cannon ball.

"It wasn't like this at the Riverside."

After much slipping, sliding, cursing and concrete-ball-induced yelping, we called it a day. Phil had already give up and gone, not disguising his limp very well at all.


I sit here typing this with a heavily bruised foot, and I still have the taste of mud in my mouth. A general failure to capture any great moments. So we've put the special treat on hold till next week, when we have the following:
  • My trip to Amsterdam.
  • Mikey learning to ride a bike, at last.
  • The big birthday bash in the town.
We'll be back soon.

Saturday, February 10

The World of Music - Live From Coulby Newham

On a Saturday afternoon, you no longer have to actually watch the football anymore. Sky will have a selection of great (and not so great - Beagrie I'm looking at you) ex footballers watch it for you.

So, in the spirit of not watching things anymore, I'm going to watch the music channels for a bit. Just for you. Right, where to start?

21:58 MTV2 - Kasabian - Empire
Ooh yes, very nice, the little violin bit toward the end is most hypnotic. Still a bit too lanky for me.

21: 59 MTV2 - Adverts - Someone apparently from 'the Horrors'
Fucking students, have a word eh? Oh, and get your pissing hair cut. You look like a poodle.

22:01 Smash Hits - A-ha - The sun always shines on TV
Morton Harket, the only man in the world to sound like a geordie fruit and veg stall if you reverse the first letters of his name. I think U2 nicked this a bit, can't remember which one though. Is the video in colour or are my eyes fucked? Not sure. Channel Change.

22:04 MTV - South Park
Do they show even one video a day on MTV now? By the way, South Park is JUST NOT FUNNY ANYMORE SO STOP IT NOW.

22:06 MTV2 - The Fall - Free Range
That's better. Yes it's old, and it isn't wonderfully produced or even that catchy, and you can't actually make most of the words out. However, it's got drive and passion, and a message (which was helpfully written on the screen at the start). One of these equals a million mass-produced Mika's. God bless real music. Will stick with MTV2 through more ads.

22: 15 Channel U - Unknown
Couldn't wait for the ads. A large black man shouting at a woman in tight trousers, whilst an earthquake happens in the background. Apparently you can order this "as a ringtone". Presumably you shit yourself every time your phone goes due to the huge resonance.

22:17 MTV2 - The Prodigy - Poison
If only they hadn't found the guitars, then surely the Prodge would rule the world now. As it was, they decided a man called Keith with a ridiculous haircut was the way forward. Fucking fools, you wouldn't see us.......ah.

22:19 MTVFLUX - Modjo - Lady
Ah, the filtered French sound of '99. It makes me all warm inside and I hark back to those halcyon days outside Leos with a £1.80 triple spirit and mixer. Wonderful. You know, these, Stardust, Cassius, quality dance music which you could actually, y'know, dance to.

22:21 MTVFLUX - MC Hammer - U Can't Touch This
Jesus, even 16 (yeah, I know) years later I still wish I could dance like that. And what a classy tune it is too! Yeah. Right.

22:26 MTVFLUX - Stardust - Music Sounds Better With You
Still, officially, the best song I've ever heard. They must have read my mind. I'm off now. To dance round the front room. I hope Phats and Small are on next. I might even go to Sharkys. No. No I won't.

Little Funny Clips

Youtube, and user created content is apparently where it's at.

A recent press report suggests that users of Youtube will earn a share of any videos on the site. So if your video is getting a bazzilion views per day then advertisers are going to want to pay to advertise near that video - and we will reap the profits.

As you may or may not know, videos of seemingly anything and everything you could ever want to watch are on Youtube and that's why we've set these babies up.

Pete's videos.

Mikey's videos.

You might notice that the keywords Crossdressing and Humiliation mean that a 10 second clip of Chris in his stag do get up has had nearly 600 views in a few days. Thanks Chris!!

Oh, and tomorrow we have got the camera back out again.

This Week

On Thursday, Anna Nicole Smith died. The 39 year old former Playboy Playmate of the Year with the big boobies popped it the other day with a suspected overdose. However, an autopsy has proved inconclusive. Very Marilyn Monroe.

Now 3 blokes are arguing over who is the father of her daughter Daniellynn and one of these is 60 year old Prince Frederik of Denmark. "Good Work Fella", I hear you cry but even better work to Zsa Zsa Gabor who is 90 year old and married to the randy prince.

It's a bit mad in Hollywood isn't it?

Zsa Zsa - not at 90.

Poor Bernard Matthews eh? Perhaps he needs a holiday, how about Turkey? 159,000 turkeys gone just like that at his farm in Suffolk and not one of them was from Hungary. Honest.

Anything for a gobble
The interesting thing though is what would have happened if these turkeys were free range? How long and how much more spread of the virus would have taken place before all of those turkeys were rounded up? But hey, they were dead anyway. I wonder if any of these got a game of baseball?

England got beat by Spain 1-0. Yet, Steve McClaren can see a rainbow apparently.

Ginger Twat

I too can see one, we have the players but the one I see doesn't feature the colour ginger. Lampard on the left. P Neville at left back. Sorry, I meant to say P Neville in the team.

It can't be that hard can it? To play players in their favoured position and ask them to play well?
Well it must be, that's why he is the England manager and I work in a grey office in Middlesbrough.

It snowed a bit last week.

And I say a bit because some countries get a truck load more than us and life goes on as normal. Not Britain. Schools shut, roads closed, people crashed their cars and generally everything stopped.

The Blitz? Pah, the Germans should have made it snow.

And as for my trip to the dentist on Wednesday afternoon. Please let this be the only time I have to relive it.

After a root filling, which believe me wasn't pleasant, my insane Spanish/Mexican dentist (who I just can not understand) managed to snap half a tooth off. Well done butter fingers - what else are you doing in there? And what on earth are you asking me?

All this and I had to wear huge plastic glasses.

After all the clumsiness was over the end result is I need a crown fitted and must empty my wallet in the process...oh joy! I am also now on antibiotics which means I can't drink unless I want a big old headache and also why I have stayed in to give you my weekly impression of Jeremy Clarkson.

So for those of you who cane chocolate, red bull and alcopops (50% of the 18 - 30 year olds in Britain every weekend I imagine) just look after your teeth, do you hear me?

Monday, February 5

More Cakes

More Superior Cakes (Click to read the note, you nosey parkers)

Yep, more lovingly crafted iced delights to contend with my chewy wrong 'uns. These were made a while ago by my Mother-in-law (M.I.L), and inspired our cake making adventure.

Have you made some cakes lately? Are they better than mine? Invariably they are. If you have, email them to me with the subject line "Your cakes are shit, you fat tosspot" to and I'll stick them on here.

By the way, apple crumble next. Or in my case, apple-total-fuck-up-in-the-bin. More news soon, cakeheads!

A Minor Reshuffle

You may have noticed we've had a bit of a makeover (if not, time for a new monitor eh?) to bring us into the year 2007. Well, not really, it's just Blogger finally let us move the Wallet over to the new version. So hoorah! Let us know if it's shit, and we'll change it. Or maybe not.


I visited mima on Friday. Middlesbrough Institute of Modern Art. The brand new £19million art gallery opened a week or so ago in a blaze of firework goodness.

It’s a truly fantastic building which seems to have taken an age to construct. An imposing block of concrete rising from what was once an overcrowded car park.

So during a chat with Marie (a friend from work) during one of the intervals of the comedy night last Friday (see Die Clatterschenkenfietermaus asap!), we got on to the subject of mima.

“We should definitely go! It looks great.” She said enthusiastically.

I shared her enthusiasm and sent a text. Monday it was - the visit was set. Monday came round but things got in the way. And again, on Tuesday and Wednesday too. On Thursday we hit the Hut. Pizza Hut that is for Diane’s birthday treat. How we do spoil each other at the office! Maybe I was never going to get there.


The sun was shining, the sky like a glorious blue and white painting, perhaps like something I was expecting to see in mima. A true work of art. And you know what, at last Middlesbrough has something good, something big and bold and sophisticated and I don’t mean the new George shop in the Mall.

7 long days later I stepped in with a hint of excitement.

And was let down. Very let down.

“Is this it?”

“What the?”


“Is that a woman with a beard crapping in a bucket?”

Yes it is. And no it wasn’t very good.

It was like someone had gone to a GCSE art class in South Bank and ripped random pages from some below par students sketch book. Average would sum it up. There was nothing there I couldn’t have done. Really! Yes, Picasso, Hirst, Warhol and several other of the ‘big’ names have left me feeling a bit like I should have appreciated the building in itself or that, I just wasn‘t getting it.

Perhaps I could be an artist. Or perhaps I am more than too happy to tell myself that a piece of cloth with tea stains on it (it’s in room 2) is nothing more than just that and, a woman with a beard sitting on a bucket is something I only want to see on a Bluetoothed video.

But, on a lighter note, I suppose it was free and, chances are, it will become a great nightclub for my kids to go to.

KG Penalised

On Saturday at Middlesbrough vs. Arsenal, the Burnley wallets very own KG fulfilled a lifetime ambition.

"Can we have two proper Boro slapheads down here to take the penalties please?"

KG almost breaks his seat in half with the sheer force of his leap in the air screaming, "PICK ME!! PICK FUCKING ME PLEASE!!!"

Mark Page spots the excited KG in the crowd, "Okay you mate, oh hang on we've got Al Murray here. Where are you from mate?"


"Okay Keith you get three shots and they must clear the banner okay?"


Let's see how Keith did...

Sunday, February 4


We're not at 2000 posts yet, and Cliff has been removed from the site, thank Christ.

We are, apparently at 1992, so there's a little way to go now - and we've got a little treat lined up for the 2000th. Check back here soon for more info!

Ditch the Deadhead

Transfer window news for me and Joseph Barry Heaney.

I have decided to ditch the following deadheads...


England International, Luke Young who is being wasted at Charlton. Sorry Luke but this is business.


England International, Scott Parker. Well done for bagging me some points but sorry mate, just not enough.


Oxfam International, Andrei Shevchenko. Weren't you pretty good once mate?

(Thats 142 points for the spreadsheet please Pete!)

In come three superstars destined to make me £40 richer in May this year.

Wayne Bridge, Frank Lampard and, the Man, the Myth, the Legend...Leroy Lita.

I think you'll find I have just won the competition following this weekends results so please send your fivers in this direction.

So for Mr JBH out go Ballack, Riggott and Delaney (70pts in the bag - not enough for JBH) and in come Carew, Terry and Campbell.

Olbas Oil Dream Team Update

Like KG's trying on some new jeans, this has become an epic struggle.

1st Me 979pts.
2nd Dale&Emma 977pts
3rd KG 917pts
4th Pete 916pts
5th Graham 914pts
6th Joanne 841pts
7th KG Senior 829pts
8th JBH 696pts
9th Annette 495pts

Is it too early to say this has become a two horse race or will the signings make all the difference?

There's still a lot of games left so...GAME ON!!

Saturday, February 3

Bake to the Future

On the night of Friday, February 2nd 2007, myself and the Miller Bros ventured out into Normanby for a "few quiet pints" and "bit of relaxed chat". Later that night, after expertly throwing up on myself, my hangover kicked in.

Now, when you've got a stinking hangover, things become difficult. Simple motor tasks become arduous tests of patience. So why the flying fuck did I agree to a cake baking competition against the missus?

Some mess (Joanne's)

My logic was simple. Women make cakes. In fact some women are famous just for making cakes. So how hard could it be? After all, I am a bloke, so in my mind I thought that making cakes was the easiest thing in the world. How very, very wrong I was.

In preparation, I consulted the oracle on fairy cake manufacture - dinner ladies - and quickly found a recipe. Piece of piss. Of course, dinner ladies are usually women, and if women can be instructed in the arts of cake manufacture, then hey, so can I!

A logically laid out work area (Mine)

Away we went. I bashed on with plenty of enthusiasm but little technique. Joanne started sieveing things and folding stuff into separate bowls, with perfectly measured ingredients; in contrast, I just stuck it all in a big bowl and mixed the lot up, hoping for the best. In the end though, our respective mixtures looked a lot alike, with one minor difference. I had heard somewhere that you need to fold some air into the mix to make your cakes rise in the oven. Following much folding and air inducement, my cake mix was so aereated that I thought it started farting. Luckily, it was the dog instead.

The pair of us then scraped our mix into the cake cases, which gave the first inkling of a problem for me; whilst Joanne's mix had a gloopy, cake mix-like texture, mine was about as thick as Professor Steven Hawking and was the colour of cat sick. We proceeded undaunted, sticking our creations into a ready warmed oven. Then we waited. Well, washed up anyway....

Superior technique

15-20 minutes later, the cakes were ready. Joanne's cakes were beautifully risen, with a golden brown colour and firm texture. Mine were brown, no, burnt. Not burnt to a crisp, but decidely browner than the prime specimens sat next to them.No worry; we shall prevail. Surely mine being brown meant they contained more flavour, plus I still had a taste sensation trump card to play - chocolate icing.

Cakes (left); generalised fuck ups (right)

After cooling, I set about making the choco-icing. But then - DISASTER! I misjudged the water addition, and finished not with the anticipated choco-icing taste sensation, but with brown fucking water instead. Gutted. I was reduced to normal white icing. With sprinkles. Hmmpph. Joanne moved onto another level all together, with fancy dan butter icing and butterfly wings and all that. Smartarse. My sprinkles then failed to glue to the icing, falling limply to the side of the cake case. Thankfully, Joanne (now known as Young Delia, not just for her prowess in the kitchen but also for her love of a drunken outburst) came to my aid and rescued the sprinkle problem.

"Oh, balls."

I haven't tasted one of mine yet. I daren't. Joe's were very nice, and went down a treat with a cup of tea. I might let the dog sample one of mine, in a sort of toxicity test. But Zack will eat literally anything, so that might not be such a good idea, plus I will probably have to pick a very offensive turd up later in the week.

Cakes (left); Cacks (right)

Two lessons from this; firstly, cake manufacture is more difficult than it looks, especially if you're a bit of a fly by night cowboy cake boy like me. Accuracy and attention to detail is the key, and I took no heed of either. Secondly, dinner ladies make shite cakes, and really shouldn't have their own website. I mean, remember how dodgy school dinners were? Exactly.

Thursday, February 1

1996 - Some Random Stuff

1996 being the total number of posts that is.

So here's some random stuff I add to my favourites and never get round to blogging. And why youtube is brilliant.

Here we have Urban Sprinting....

Here we have a fat kid on a theme park ride nearly falling out....

I died laughing when I watched this as we had just been to Flamingo Land in the summer and well it reminds me of me on the pirate ship. Yes, the pirate ship.

Here we have the greatest hattrick ever.

A class optical illusion...CLICK

Current classic bit of music clip that i keep l;istening to repeatedly....

And a couple of songs of the moment.

The View - Same Jeans

Mika - Grace Kelly

Just Jack - Starz in their Eyes

And there we have it, more random stuff very soon!!

(Insert Sponsor Here) Dream Team Update

All change at the top following Pete's update. I'm chavvy enough to read the Sun daily unlike boffin Pete who flicks through the Times like he understands it all.

So, ladies, gentlemen, boys and girls; and Keith here we go.

1st Dale and Emma 960pts
2nd Me 957pts.
3rd KG 920pts
4th Pete 905pts
5th Graham 901pts
6th Jo 831pts
7th KG Senior 814pts
8th JBH 684pts
9th Annette 495pts

Like Pete said things are seriously hotting up.

Transfer Window clarification...I spoke to Pierre tonight and, though the window officially closes at 12.30pm on Saturday, we are, due to the short notice, giving you the chance to view a potential transfer in action this weekend to make those important 3 decisions.

Points scored on Saturday will count for transfers you make for Wednesday. If that makes sense! If you decide to buy say Crouch next week, if he scores points on Saturday they will count.

KG - you will be allowed to change your transfers since life has been hard to you so far we wouldn't be so mean!!

Vicks Vapo-Rub Fantasy Footy

Things are hotting up!

1 Mike Heaney 927
2 Dale and Emma Miller 920
3 Peter Heaney 892
4 KG Jnr 891
5 Graham Newton 875
6 Joanne Heaney 829
7 KG Snr 766
8 Joe Heaney 664
9 Annette Newton 472

Transfers (and preferably money) by Wednesday please!

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