Monday, December 31

The Year Gone By

2007 was a bit of an epic!

Personal highlights....

January

25th Jan - Attended a quiz night with work at Ramside Hall, Sunderland. Our team name was Quiz Team Aguilera....the winning team was called The Jade Goody Fanclub Bombay Branch - how we laughed.

26th Jan - Arc Comedy Night at Stockton.

February

17th Feb - My birthday night out - where did we go, Boro? It was somewhere where we were almost scrapping!! Likely Oz Bar.

22nd - 24th Birthday

23rd - Night out in Yarm with work. Ended up scrapping in Cross Keys nearly!! I remember being called a thug due to the number of incidents that occured in the last few weeks - all good fun.

March

3rd March - Sacka's 40th at the Whale Hill I think followed by Town.

16th Mar - KG's birthday - scousers came up, paddys day hat - more fighting!!!



17th Mar - Joannes 30th Birthday - Fancy Dress, pics can be found in the links bar on the right.

30th Mar - Bosses leaving do, a quiz at the Talpore.

31st Mar - Chris's birthday - what did we do, can't remember? We sang happy birthday to him though...must have been a partay at Phils I think...



April

Easter weekend but can't recall what happened - usually a good sign I was mashed.

May

4th May - Sedgefield night out with work.

6th May - Bank Hol - Ugandan doctor night out?!

19th May - Cup Final Day

25th May - Comedy night where I managed to park a bit wrong on Barry's forecourt!

26th May - BBQ at Pete and Jo's



27th May - Bank Holiday Sunday

June

30th June - Went to a Ceilidh in Sedgefield!

July

7th July - BBQ at Rachel Newtons house.

August

1st August - Abbies Birthday

4th August - Pete's Birthday night out - what did we get up to?

11th August - Couple of lasses from work's birthdays - KG, Rob and me were all obliterated!!!

22nd Aug - England vs. Germany - went to the Tute and bagged a seat on the bus for...

23rd Aug - York Races

24th Aug - Some Ginger relation of KG's 21st at the Eston and Nby Social!!

26th Aug - Bank Hol night out

September

14th Sep - Robbies 18th Birthday

27th Sep - Onyx Rooms Launch Night

28th Sep - Liverpool for Emmas 30th

29th Sep - Liverpool all dayer

30th Sep - Everton vs. Boro

October

6th Oct - Bay Horse for KG snr birthday

19th Oct - AG birthday works night out - ended up in The Empire

21st Oct - Ruby's christening - a mad night in Normanby that was!!

27th Oct - Halloween Party



November

3rd Nov - Rob Hislops Birthday and Boro vs. Tottenham.

7th-10th Nov - Prague





December

Couple of good nights out and of course Xmas and NYE etc!

Anyway that's that, probably missed loads!!!!

Saturday, December 29

Dream Team Scores

1st Chris 954pts
2nd Joanne 880pts
3rd JBH 869pts
4th KG 868pts
5th Mikey 837pts
6th Gumma 827pts
7th Graham 822pts
8th KG Senior 811pts
9th Pete 741pts
10th Jess 684pts
11th Stevie 682pts
12th Dale 647pts

Friday, December 28

Christmas Dinner with the Family

Photobucket

Thursday, December 27

Boxing Day Piccies

Saturday, December 22

Dream Team

Latest scores....

1st Chris 840pts
2nd Joanne 825pts
3rd KG 790pts
4th JBH 781pts
5th Gumma 745pts
6th Mikey 733pts
7th Graham 730pts
8th KG Senior 727pts
9th Pete 672pts
10th Jess 646pts
11th Stevie 625pts
12th Dale 607pts

Saturday, December 15

Dream Team

1st Chris 818pts
2nd Joanne 774pts
3rd KG 765pts
4th JBH 749pts
5th Gumma 731pts
6th KG Senior 696pts
7th Mikey 692pts
8th Graham 682pts
9th Pete 667pts
10th Jess 628pts
11th Stevie 591pts
12th Dale 587pts

Sunday, December 9

Redcar Night Out 8-12-07

Dolphin

Saturday, December 8

Dream Team

1st Chris 759pts
2nd Joanne 724pts
3rd KG 695pts
4th JBH 677pts
5th Gumma 673pts
6th KG Senior 651pts
7th Pete 641pts
8th Mikey 640pts
9th Graham 623pts
10th Jess 615pts
11th Dale 552pts
12th Stevie 541pts

Sunday, December 2

Euro 2008 Challenge

This.

Via this.

Equals this?

It's Your Letters! It's Your Letters!

Write to us at burnleywallet@gmail.com, with your requests, ideas, complaints and Dear Deidre style problems. Unless it involves "women's things", we're, er, not very good with that sort of thing.

Straight in then...

Dear Walleteers,

Fucking hell Mikey. I was sitting down tonight with me battenburg, and I says to Annette, where's me cuppa? She hasn't made it has she? Fucking hell Mikey.

Best regards,

'G'
Eston.

Christ knows G, get it off ya chest eh? And save us a seat in the Miners next time the boro are on, we had to stand for a full 90 mins the other day. Er, whoever you are.

Dear Walleteers,

Why not go to Euro 2008 anyway?

Yours,
M.Platini
Gay-Paree

Watch this space Michelle, developments on this front soon!

Dear Walleteers,

Would you like to be the Simpsons next year or what?

Regards,
Estonia

NO FUCKING CHANCE CHIEF.

That's it then, more shite. If only someone would send us a real letter at burnleywallet@gmail.com. If you're bored, try signing up at www.obscureinternet.com/forum for more nonsense from me. See you soon!

Eston Xmas Parade

Last night, in sub-zero temperatures and driving rain, myself, the Mrs, and several of the fans of the Wallet and associated kids went to Eston square to see the Chrimbo parade.

Topical news bear, Muhammed.

After listening to some kids singing carols, some blokes on motorbikes rode round for a bit. Not sure why they were at the parade, but they were. Perhaps it was because they had motorbikes or something. Also, because you're from Eston doesn't make you Estonian, being from Estonia does.

Are you from Talinn? No.

We were then treated to the "parade" which was a selection of people in fancy dress representing the cream of kids TV and Film characters. It was a fucking travesty.

Why do elephants have big ears? Cos Noddy won't pay the ransom.

Cue a flat faced Noddy and Big Ears, a "two-eyed" Pudsy from Children in Need, shark-like tweenies and a slightly wonky Spongebob Squarepants. Noddy, in particular, looked like he'd forgotten to open the patio doors. The 'highlight' of the evening was the Simpsons, who had just been told "come down to Eston dressed as the Simpsons, it'll be brillo and that". So they did.

"This was a bad idea Homer." "D'oh!"

Homer looked like ex-cricketer Gladstone Small, whilst Marge was as pin headed as she could be. Clearly the people who were told to 'be' the Simpsons, had never 'seen' the Simpsons.

An optically refreshed Pudsy.

In the end though, all was well when Santa appeared. Even the poring rain stopped for a bit. Santa turned up on a horse drawn cart thing, which added to the experience and made up for the shoddy costumes. The kids, especially Abi, loved it.

"I'm cold and wet I want to go..LOOK IT'S SANTA!"

Saturday, December 1

The Canadian Sweet Experiment Part Two

Only the one this time: Fudgee-O's:


They look and smell like the standard bourbon biscuit. I thought they would be shit. I took a bite: OM NOM NOM NOM, and guess what, they taste like a bourbon biscuit as well. OH NO, HANG ON! What's this WONDROUS TASTE SENSATION RISING UP AMONGST MY BEING? IT'S FUDGE-TASTIC, even though THERE'S NO BISCUIT LEFT IN MY MOUTH!
I need to SHOVEL IN ANOTHER AS SOON AS IS POSSIBLE!

These are unbelievable. Chaz, I require some of these sending over ASAP. Please wait until the finish of the sweet experiment first, in case I find something equally spectacular.

I never thought I'd find fudge so appealing.

11/10.

Dream Team Scores

1st Chris 685pts
2nd Joanne 666pts
3rd KG 643pts
4th JBH 627pts
5th Gumma 617pts
6th KG Senior 604pts
7th Pete 602pts
8th Mikey 596pts
9th Jess 592pts
10th Graham 574pts
11th Dale 506pts
12th Stevie 496pts

Sunday, November 25

Pub/Club Review: The Arena

Full of unwashed no-brain student wannabes, all walking round going "yeah, isn't Arse-Felcher's new album just so down man?" in their fucking converse and skinny jeans, thinking their in the fucking Strokes or something.

I could do better than this in my fucking garage.

0/10.

Thursday, November 22

Mikey, Satda

Have you got a WKD side? Mike has. It's his back.

The Canadian Sweet Experiment Part One

Joanne's just come back from Canada, where she was visiting Burnley Wallet sponsored panda Chaz. She kindly brought me back some sweets that you can't buy over here, well, not to my knowledge anyway. So...

Clodhoppers:

Clodhoppers: Highly addictive, at least it says so on the pack.

Clodhoppers are like the ultimate rice krispie cake. With a little bit of extra fudge in the mix, they come across as dustier but tastier than a standard krispie cake. Nice taste, but the two camp looking geezers on the pack put you off slightly. 8/10.

Hershey's Kissables:

Kissables: Called Snoggables here, if they existed.

Like smarties, but better. Weirdly shaped, like golf tees that have been snapped in half. Not really better than what we have already. 6/10.

Planters Peanut Butter Bites:

Renowned cannibal Mr Planter.

Almost exactly the same as Reese's Cups. This, however, is not a bad thing. Due to the sickly, stodgy nature of these sweets, they would go perfectly with a cuppa. Also, Joanne doesn't like these, so they're all mine. 8/10.

My teeth have started to itch, so the rest (of which there are many), soon!

Tuesday, November 20

Prague

KG and me visited Prague recently, here's what they got up...

Part 1



Part 2

Saturday, November 17

Dream Team

1st Chris 599pts
2nd Joanne 588pts
3rd KG 583pts
4th KG Senior 571pts
5th JBH 551pts
6th Jess 545pts
7th Pete 539pts
8th Mikey 528pts
9th Gumma 515pts
10th Graham 498pts
11th Stevie 462pts
12th Dale 445pts

Wednesday, November 14

Videos

A whole host of new videos of us lot can be found here...

Click for Youtube

Sunday, November 11

Dream Team

Back from Prague with a lot of stories to tell but this is more important...

1st Joanne 556pts
2nd Chris 545pts
3rd KG 542pts
4th KG Senior 532pts
5th Jess 523pts
6th JBH 504pts
7th Pete 498pts
8th Mikey 497pts
9th Graham 466pts
10th Gumma 445pts
11th Stevie 432pts
12th Dale 407pts

Sunday, November 4

Birthdays (not the card shop)

Happy Birthday to Alex who was 33 on Thursday!!

and,

Happy Birthday to Rob Hislop who was 40 yesterday!!

This is how drunk Robbie was. We lost him in Walkabout and we found out this morning that he'd gone to the Empire till 4am.

KG: "Where'd you go?"

Rob: "Empire till 4am."

KG: "Did ya? We thought you'd have gone home cos you were minging!!"

Rob: "What you on about!? Yous were in Empire with me!"

KG: "Rob - we weren't."

Highlight's of the day:

Ian aka "Shitface" aka "Black Pudding Feet" molesting Rob in the Tute!!

Rob's reaction to a shot of Green Nephew in Lloyds!!

Luke Young's goal!!

And,

"Ooooiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!"

Dream Team

1st Chris 489pts
2nd KG Senior 487pts
3rd Joanne 483pts
4th Jess 476pts
5th KG 456pts
6th Pete 447pts
7th JBH 444pts
8th Mike 431pts
9th Gumma 406pts
10th Stevie 393pts
11th Graham 389pts
12th Dale 347pts

Saturday, November 3

The Mong-ster Mash

Halloween Party Photos, innit!

And hey, if you're not on Facebook now then you basically shouldn't use the Internet. Get with the times, maaaannnn!

Monday, October 29

Dream Team

Transfers all in at last, now here are the scores...

1st Chris 457pts
2nd Jess 429pts
3rd Pete 403pts
4th KG Senior 401pts
5th JBH 387pts
6th Joanne 380pts
7th Gumma 365pts
8th Mike 364pts
9th Graham 348pts
10th Stevie 345pts
11th KG 344pts
12th Dale 280pts

Other transfers as follows: -

Pete

Meite -> Richards
Hahnemann -> Friedel
Berbatov -> Van Persie

Graham

Lehmann -> Almunia
A Cole -> M Laursen
Kavanagh -> Elano

Dale

Aliadiere -> Mido
Parnaby -> Zat Knight
Solano -> N'Zogbia

Jess

Primus -> Benjani
McBride -> Samba

Joanne

James -> Friedel
Yobo -> Lescott
McBride -> Benjani

Saturday, October 20

Transfers

Me: Slight change as I had three, count em, three Arsenal players in my team. Fucking cheat eh?

Out: Tim f f f fucking Howard, Khizanishvilli and Da Silva
In: Kirkland, Laursen, Fabregas

KG

Out: Yobo, Jenas, Johnson
In: Richards, Arteta, Keane

Chris

Out: Lehman, Dawson, Bent
In: Almunia, Toure, Torres

JBH

Out: Woodgate, Gamst Pederson, Henri Camara
In: Toure, Barry, Ashton

KG's Dad

Out: Riise, Defoe
In: Richards, Anelka

Gumma

Out: Primus, Khizanishvilli, Arca
In: Richards, Laursen, Geremi

The rest of the transfers are in Petes house. Allegedly!

Wednesday, October 17

Dream Team Transfers

Come on boys and girls, you've only got till Saturday 12pm to get these transfers in so hurry up!!!

Mine are done now...

Out goes:

T, t, t Tim F, f, fucking Howard 3m
Khizanishvilli 2m
Da Silva 3.5m

In comes:

Almunia 1.5m
Laursen 1.5m
Fabregas 5.5m

I am now a 4-4-2 man. Ooh, check me.

Be Afraid

Be very afraid!!

KG has now suissed out how to Youtube his mobile videos.

That means that your ugly mug but in the main, my ugly mug, will be appearing on here a whole lot more soon.

Saturday, October 13

Dream Team Scores

Remember transfers are due in for next Sat at 12pm!!!!!

1st Chris 344pts
2nd Pete 337pts
3rd Jess 326pts
4th KG Senior 316pts
5th JBH 307pts
6th Gumma 303pts
7th Joanne 300pts
8th Mike 280pts
9th Graham 262pts
10th KG 255pts
11th Stevie 254pts
12th Dale 225pts

JBH has made his transfers...

Out go: -

Woodgate 4.5m 4pts
Gamst Pederson 4.5m 1pt
Henri Camara 1.5m 2pts

In come: -

Toure 4.5m
Barry 4.5m
Ashton 1m

Friday, October 12

Dream Team Transfers

Just to let all you dream teamers know the transfer window is now open and shuts at 12pm on Saturday October 20th.

So don't be a cheap skate, go and buy the Sun and sort them out!! A score update will be on here tomorrow too.

Monday, October 8

Monkey Alan



I'll let Mikey explain the rest, I just supply the impressions.

Saturday, October 6

Dream Team Scores

1st Jess 306pts
2nd Chris 304pts
3rd Pete 276pts
4th KG Senior 274pts
5th Gumma 267pts
6th Joanne 261pts
7th Mike 241pts
8th JBH 237pts
9th Stevie 231pts
10th Graham 226pts
10th KG 226pts
11th Dale 198

Monday, October 1

Dream Team

1st Jess 264pts
2nd Chris 234pts
3rd Gumma 224pts
4th Joanne 220pts
4th Pete 220
5th KG Senior 200
6th Stevie 197
7th Mike 186
7th JBH 186
8th KG 163
9th Dale 161
10th Graham 157

Saturday, September 29

Postman Patois


Stolen. B3ta. Natch.

Monday, September 24

"Ball" Boy

Saturday, September 22

Dream Team. Oh No!!

Looks like I am last.

1st Jess 217pts
2nd Pete 188pts
3rd Gumma 176pts
4th Chris 169pts
5th Joanne 166pts
6th KG Senior 159pts
7th Stevie 156pts
8th JBH 138pts
9th Dale 134pts
10th Graham 128pts
11th KG 123pts
12th Mikey 122pts

Friday, September 21

Jose

Apparently the night he left Chelsea a handful of journalists managed to track down the fleeing Jose Mourinho to a harbourside eaterie in west London. When asked what the official Chelsea statement meant when it stated he left by "mutual consent",

Mourinho replied, "look it up in the dictionary".

Monday, September 17

Belated Congrats

Late as usual, we'd like to pass on our congratulations to....

The Murks: Claire, after much heaving, pushing and apparently gushing finally delivered into the world 7lb 13oz Matilda on the 13th of September. Good news is both mother and child are well, great news is Matilda hasn't inherited 'the nose'. Congratulations, child-bearing chiefs!

Robbie: Robbie finally turned 18 on the 13th, so now he'll be able to buy huge rounds of drinks for the boys. He also had a vomit-tastic party at the Dickens on Friday night, and then on to Walkabout. Good work, legal-age chief!

Sunday, September 16

Women are like car parking spaces

Sometimes, all the good ones are taken, so, when no one is looking you have to stick it in a disabled one.

Saturday, September 8

Dream Team

1st Gumma 151pts
1st Jess 151pts
2nd Pete 148pts
3rd Joanne 127pts
4th KG Snr 110pts
5th Dale 103pts
6th Mikey 99pts
7th Chris 96pts
8th Graham 82pts
9th Stevie 79pts
10th KG 72pts
11th JBH 66pts

Friday, September 7

Crap Week

First Pav now Amos.

Tell you what, anyone with sideburns this good deserves respect.

Click.

Thursday, September 6

RIP Pav



71 apparently. Around the waist.

Wednesday, September 5

Welcome to Boro 3

Thorntree.

Here's a little anecdote for you all from a few years ago. Young Mike, that's me, is out with the boys down Middlesborugh for a cracking little night out and we find ourselves in Barracuda.

I gets chatting to these birds and exchange numbers etc. Anyway on our way home I get a call saying come to Thorntree for a party. We tried to find it but in our drunken state we failed and forgot all about it.

I get a text the next morning saying come round. Well why not eh?

"Which one is your house then?"

"It's the one with the two sofas in the front garden."

Oh.

I still went. Truly horrible. And the house.

Anyway, enjoy.

Tuesday, September 4

Welcome to Boro 2

Meet Scooby.





Monday, September 3

Welcome to Boro

Over the next few days I'm going to post some videos all filmed in the Middlesbrough area for a little insight into our town.

Here is B&Q on Skippers Lane Industrial Estate. Enjoy!!!

Saturday, September 1

Dream Team

1st Joanne 120pts
2nd Gumma 115pts
3rd Jess 107pts
4th Pete 106pts
5th Chris 90pts
6th Dale 76pts
7th Mikey 68pts
8th KG 67pts
9th KG Senior 66pts
10th Graham 57pts
11th Stevie 57pts
12th JBH 32pts

Wednesday, August 29

Night Out Review

Not had one of these for a while.


How did it go Pete?

Tuesday, August 28

Any Excuse

Legend this lad...

Saturday, August 25

Dream Team

1st Gumma 82pts
2nd Pete 74pts
3rd Joanne 73pts
4th Chris 65pts
5th Jess 51pts
6th KG 49pts
7th Graham 37pts
8th Dale 35pts
9th KGs Dad 31pts
10th Mike 29pts
11th Stevie 23pts
12th JBH 14pts

Monday, August 20

Witness the Fitness

On Satda night, rumours of a future 7-a-side match against a proper team surfaced.

I decided then, that I really need to get a bit fitter for it. 5-a-side is pretty tough on the old body, surely 7-a-side will pull me apart from the inside. I could do with losing (quite) a bit anyway.

So now, why the fuck am I sat here eating a FUCKING ENORMOUS CHOCOLATE MUFFIN? I'm halfway through it, and I've only just noticed that I'm eating it.

It's an illness you know. I tells ya.

Saturday, August 18

Dream Team 07/08

Football is back!!! And just like last season we are running a Burnley Wallet Dream Team league. I can't be bothered putting everyone's team on here, if you want to know them ask me.

After two games, here's how it's looking...

1st Joanne 56pts
2nd Pete 56pts
3rd Gumma 50pts
4th Chris 41pts
5th Dale 30pts
6th Jess 28pts
7th Graham (with a much different team after he managed to pick most of the Arsenal and Everton squad even though only two players were allowed) 24pts
8th KG Senior 21pts
9th Stevie 18pts
10th KG 17pts
11th Mike 14pts
12th JBH 12pts

It's a fix!!!

Wednesday, August 8

You'll believe a man can fly

Wednesday, July 18

I'm Back!

On the internet, that is. Also, I've come home from the wasteland that was Coulby Newham. My 'prodigal son' style return to Eston is complete. Big thanks to KG and Phil for all of their sofa-busting-TV-bouncing-van-based-roundabout-mounting expertise. Cheers chiefs!

Of course, this move wasn't just to get me away from the horrors of "The Smithy", and bring me back towards my favourite boozers. It was based on a need for more Wallet based connectivity, now me, Mike, and the terminally ill KG are within a few yards of each other, we might actually do some of the stuff we've been promising for the last 3 (yeah, I think we've had another birthday since we last spoke) years.

So; on Satda, possibly, if it's nice, me, Mike and Zack might venture up the hills, take some photos and write some stuff! For you lot!

Friday, July 13

An Update

An overdue update on some stuff...

Me and Pete are on Facebook now, get us added if you're on there.

Dream Team is back!! More details to follow on this in a week or three. If you are interested in joning our league, leave a comment. It's £5 a man.

Chris has got a mobile up for sale...click here to bid.

Five a Side ratings have fell by the wayside a bit. So here are your marks out of 30 for the last three weeks...

Pete...23
KG...21
Chris...23
Me...21
Phil..24
Paul...22
Doc...21
Guest appearances from...Tony M...7, Gumma...6 and Stevie...7

Any arguments with scores right am not interested, post your own ratings from now own!

If you would like to be the guest player in our five a side games please drop us a line.

TV...Big Brother promised to be brilliant this week but the Aussie bird failed miserably, there's still hope tonight though when that loud mouth dirty slag Charley gets evicted, interviewed by Davina and sent back in.

Nights out...Thanks to all of those who have put on a house party recently, top notch burgers all round. Hope you haven't found that hole in the wall yet. We are back out on the razzle tomorrow and hopefully KG will do something silly and we will have another video for Youtube.

Other shit...Tin Tin has some good new videos on here, especially the one in Scotland.

That should do it for a month.

Sunday, July 1

How Things Change

A year ago today it was hot. Oppressively, stiflingly hot. Nothing like the rain and thunder we've had recently, it was a hot, humid July day. And I had my suit on, as did many of the Walleteers.

It was, of course, the big day for Anne and Paul, and here we are, one year on.

So, on the occasion of your first wedding anniversary, many congratulations from all at the Wallet!

Friday, June 29

Joke Help

I was sorting out a drawer of books I had under my bed (check my ebay in the next few days, they're all going on), after my hard week of decorating and a tattered copy of "Oh no Not Another 1000 Jokes For Kids!!" came into my hand.

It was then that I remembered the joke of doom, that one joke that me, Pete and everyone else that ever read it never got.

I got Googling and found this on b3ta. This could in fact have been written by Pete...

When I was younger, my Dad bought me and my brother one of those joke books. There was this one joke that I never understood, and still don't, and neither does my brother or anyone else I've told it too, and it still annoys the hell out of me to this day, 15 years later.

It goes:

'It was getting near to Jimmy's birthday, so Mum asked him what he wanted most. 'A ping pong ball mom!' Mum was confused, and spoke to dad about it.


The next day, Dad asked Jimmy what he wanted - 'A ping-pong ball dad!' Dad was similarly confused. The next day, they both asked him, and still the reply was 'A ping-pong ball please!'

Each time they asked him what he wanted, Jimmy would always say 'A ping-pong ball!' On his birthday, Jimmy opened lots of presents, including a new bike, but looked dissapointed.

Then, Mum and Dad handed him a box, which he opened, and exclaimed 'Wow! A ping-pong ball! Thanks!' He then rushed upstairs, extremely excited. After a few minutes, mum and dad crept upstairs to see why Jimmy was so excited.

Dad peeked around Jimmy's door, and exclaimed 'Ah! So THATS what you wanted the ping pong ball for'

And that's it, thats the joke. What the hell! Where's the punchline!? Why did he want a ping-pong ball? What was he doing with it? Why is it so important! Is it just me being thick or what? It is some kind of postmodernist joke, y'know, it's-funny-cos-there-is-no-punchline? Is it funny cos you never find out why he wanted the bastard ping pong ball and that's the joke? WHAT IS IT! And why has this bugged the crap out of me for 15 years!!!

To this day, I can't hear the words 'ping-pong ball' without wincing.


But I couldn't find any replies or follow up posts. Nghtmare!!

Bit more Googling and I found an alternative joke about the same thing but it's lost the key unexplainable punchline!

There is this little boy and he is about to turn 10. His dad asked him what he wanted for his birthday. So his son says Dad, all I want is a ping pong ball. So his dad, puzzled, gets him a ping pong ball. He goes into the woods and comes back but he doesn't have the ping pong ball any more.

So he is about to turn 13 now. His dad asked him what he wanted for his birthday. So his son says Dad, all I want is a pack of ping pong ball. So his dad, puzzled, gets him a pack of ping pong balls. He goes into the woods and comes back but he doesn't have the ping pong balls any more.

So he is about to turn 16. His dad asked him what he wanted for his birthday. So his son says Dad, all I want is a box of ping pong balls. So his dad, puzzled, gets him a box of ping pong balls. He goes into the woods and comes back but he doesn't have the ping pong balls any more.

So he is turning 18 now. His dad asked him what he wanted for his birthday. So his son says Dad, all I want is a 5 gallon bucket of ping pong balls. So his dad, puzzled, gets him a 5 gallon bucket of ping pong balls. He goes into the woods and comes back but he doesn't have the ping pong balls any more.

Now he is turning 21. His dad asked him what he wanted for his birthday. So his son says Dad, all I want is a dump truck full of ping pong balls. So his dad, puzzled, gets him a dump truck full of ping pong balls. He goes into the woods and comes back but he doesn't have the ping pong balls any more.

A couple years later, his son gets in a terrible car accident and is hospitalized. So his dad is by his side and all, and he says to his son.....Son, I have to know one thing, WHAT in the world did you do with all those ping pong balls!??!?!?!


His son looks up, and he says....Dad, I ........and then he died.

More Googling....no results.

Someone, somewhere must have an explanation PLEASE!!!!!

Sunday, June 24

Are you a smartarse?

Maybe you are. Have a go here, and leave your IQ in the comments. You clever people, you.

Thursday, June 21

Argos

This is seriously funny...Geordie has a go at Argos.

Click and listen.

Wednesday, June 20

Flaming Shots

Why we shouldn't piss about with our Sambuka!!

Warning!

Sunday, June 17

Part 4

All the videos are up to date at last, any other dribs and drabs will be saved for when I have an idea drought.

Last up we have the skipping championship from Phil and Kathryn's recent BBQ and a prank phone call that will have you in stitches!!



Friday, June 15

Heroes of the Wallet #3 - Diego Maradona

This was what he could do when he was just farting about. Imagine what he would be like in the Premiership, when it really mattered. The comparisons between Cristiano Ronaldo and El Diego are nonsense. How much would he be worth now?



By the way, did you see those huge keepy uppies he was doing? Gary Lineker tells a story involving Diego and a training session for a World XI. Diego picked a ball and started belting it into the air, and then, without it bouncing, smashed it into the air again. At least 30 times. Ruud Gullit (then probably the closest to Diego in the 'best player in the world' stakes) had a go. He managed 6.

Part 3

More videos and more to come.

First up...

Poor old me getting into a tickling contest with a mad taxi driver in Middlesbrough, listen out for KG, Phil and Kathryn giggling!!



Steven Davies aka Eggshell a former barman at Lloyds gets a singing too and two weird lads get spoken to outside the Town Hall. Another drunken night in Boro.

Five a Side

It was a wet night at Goals last night but only underfoot as the rain held off.
We decided upon a rematch from last week.

Me, Paul, KG and The Doc hammered Pete, Phil, Dale and Chris into submission taking an almost ten goal lead at one point.

Ratings

Pete - Put in a good effort, got frustrated with his team mates who got frustrated with him! Some good goals and skills. 7.

Dale - Does everything right but score, needs to find a right foot. 7.

Chris - Been better in the last few weeks and shooting was a little bit wayward. 6.

Phil - Had plenty of running and shocing and kicking in him but he got plenty back mainly from me! 7.

vs.

Me - Lots of running and tackling, and fouling. Shooting was unbelievably bad. Scored 3 but should have had 10. 7.

KG - Some lovely stuff from KG, skills and goals. 8.

Paul - awesome play, goals, passing, tackling and goalkeeping. 9.

The Doc - lot more running than last week and was collossal in goal. 9.

Round 3 next week?

Thursday, June 14

Part 2

Best ending to a video ever?

Wednesday, June 13

Part 1 of the Videos

First up we have poor Annette caught on camera having it large!!!



Then we have some footage from the BBQ Pete and Jo recently held for all of us...



And lastly poor old me getting a good soaking this Saturday afternoon just gone!



More soon!!!

Monday, June 11

Extreme Inebriation


Oh, and so many brilliant videos to come!!

Big Brother

It's actually quite good. We've had a bit of racism and a plenty of flesh. More please!

When they finally get to nominate, will the twins count as one? It's a serious question therefore I expect a serious answer.

Extreme Concentration



Sunday, June 10

Telly

Oh dear. Tv has finally hit the bottom of the barrel. "Britain's got talent" is, for those of you who don't know, sort of X-Factor - but you can do anything you like. If the first ten minutes are any thing to go by, Britain's talent got up and fucked off quite a long time ago.

So, first up, a ventriloquist. He was brilliant, right up until he tried actually being a ventriloquist. He asked his dummy a question, and then just continued speaking but moved the dummy's lips, along with his own. He was unbelievably poor.

Next came an interjection from the ubiquitous Ant, and indeed, Dec. "He's rubbish!" guffawed Ant. "Why aye man, I know!" Dec geordied back. I was ready to stab them, and myself by now. Ant and Dec's job is clearly to just pull funny faces in the links.

I'm now watching a 70 year old make a total fool of herself by rapping. Simon Cowell looks like he might have pissed himself with fear. Then, on cue, the 70 year old pissed herself (not really).

Saturday night was much better. Well, Doctor Who was anyway. Having Sky Plussed it, I watched it through a red stripe induced fog this morning (I was at the Teesside Skipping Championships last night, finishing a humiliating last). Doc Who was tremendous. After a clumsy start, it's right in it's stride now. I'll never walk past a statue again without a bit of fear in my heart.

You can watch it here as well, after you install the divx bit of jiggery pokery. Just don't blink.

Friday, June 8

Five a Side: Drop Out Special

College drop outs Russ and Tony M made this a 4 a side affair. "And let me tell ya something Mean Gene, it was a killer, brother!!!"

Anyway enough of 'The Hulkster' and on to the four a side game of champions.

Pete...a cracking performance from Pete, about half way through he pointed out that he hadn't scored and then all of a sudden turned into a man possessed slotting them home from all directions. 9.

Phil...if Schwarzer goes, then Boro should sign him up. Could we score past him? Could we fuck. The lad was the goal keeping king. 9.

Dale...Dale was his usual gazelle like self, sprinting around the place like he weighed no more than 6 stone (oh wait hang on!). Maybe could have scored a few more! 8.

Chris....despite suffering from leukemia Chris fought on valiantly, another good display. 8.

Vs.

Me...not bad going for me, got in some hefty tackles on Dale, Chris and Pete mainly because Phil was in goal and scored a few. Missed my penatly in the shootout though!! 8.

KG....AWESOME!! Nah, he was alright I suppose, worked his Donnay socks off and nearly broguht his tea up after ten minutes of sprinting about. 8.

Paul...Another good display from this fella! Plenty of goals too. 8.

The Doc...Doc was in scintillating form and scored many a goal. Our team was equally good. 8.

We won the shoot out after, I think, Dale missed in sudden death.

Wednesday, June 6

And there's more to come

Wallet gone quiet you think? What are they up to, you ask?

Well, I am without sound at the minute on my PC, which means I have this huge backlog of cracking videos I can't edit and match up with the sound track - how technical?

Anyway, we have...

Me singing My Way at a party I wasn't even invited to.

A couple of videos from Lloyds Bar in Boro where the poor bar staff get a good talking to.

Some weird studenty types who were stood outside the Town Hall who get verbal abuse from me and KG.

A couple of brilliant taxi rides in Middlesbrough including one where I get tickled to death.

A 6 minute video of brilliance, with a properly funny ending.

And...

Quite frankly the best prank call you have ever heard.

Thursday, May 31

Dream Team: Final Scores

Thank you The Sun, for printing the final scores in todays paper.

Here we go then after a long hard season, lots of twists, lots of turns and everyone gave it a good go.

In last place is Annette, she fought hard with a team which suffered from being mainly injured or relegated.

Final score: 675pts.

In the battle of the Dads, KG senior lead for most of the season before some sterling work in the transfer market from JBH saw him go clear.

In 8th place, KG senior on 1228pts.
7th JBH 1268pts.

Now the mid table crunch. All of these lead the table at some point or another but it was the transfers what won it in the end.

6th Graham 1379pts
5th Dale and Emma 1425pts
4th Joanne 1529pts.

Now the final three place. Who has won it?

In third. He lead for the best part of the later part of the season, made a bad decision in signing Lita and watched his lead slip away. That's right it was me.

3rd Mikey 1609pts.

In second, his transfers pulled through and Berbatov and Drogba smashed in goals left right and centre in the last few games taking him just a mere 3pts in front of me. Congratulations on Second place...Peter.

2nd Pete 1612pts.

And of course, the winner is, the master of the transfer market (Drogba and McCarthey of note) and well done for sticking with players that had a poor start (Berbatov and Jenas).

Round of applause please for your 2006/07 Burnley Wallet Dream Team Champion

Keith "KG" Groves on 1652pts.

If you want to be part of our little league next year send us an e-mail or leave a comment!!

Wednesday, May 30

First Impressions

This is always my favourite episode of Big Brother. Mainly because it is spent texting mates back and forth with the likes of:

"She'd get it."

"What the fuck is that?"

"Dear me."

And, "I hate Davina McCall."


Anyway, on to the show.

First up, Twins. What a way to start. "I'd rattle them!" came the first text. Then they opened there mouths.

"Old Splitarse" Lesley was the next contestant. "Doable. If I was older."

Next up, Kieran Richardson's lapdancing cousin.

Text received: "This is looking good fella." Or maybe I misread it. "Good looking fella."

Tracy. Keith out of the Prodigy anyway.

Er, who was next? Was it Beckham? Think I have possibly missed someone there but on to Beckham. Wahey! Dirty Yorkshire splitter who was, a bit of a stalker, but hey we all have our faults. Text: "Like t' take her oop t' wrong 'un."

Weird glam Asian bloke/bird. No texts.

Indy rock chick. Yep, very nice.

Porker from Wales. Seemed alright.

Miserable Asian bird. Will probably be in final with other Asian bird. Knowing C4.

Weird bitch who came in last with the mad grey hair. Out. Now. Please. Will win it.

So who's the lucky get who has to put up with that lot then. Is it next Friday? I dunno turned it off.

Oh well, that's the best episode over with.

Tuesday, May 29

5 a Side

We played footy on Thursday and nobody did the ratings. Oh well, nows my chance to upset everyone. Pete's team won but we fought back to within a few goals at the end.

Pete 6 - some lovely stuff but got a bit knackered like the majority of us. Some good goals.
Paul 7 - always had plenty of space and scored a few.
Tony M 7 - skills to pay the bills and good in goal.
Dale - 6 - nowhere near his best, sorry! But still fast as.
Phil - 6 - ferocious tackling, I've got the bruises.

vs.

Mikey 6 - got a good kicking off Phil. A few goals from nowhere to got us back on track.
KG - 10 - AWESOME.
Chris - 7 plenty of goals and good attacking play.
Gumma (not his real name) 6 - 3 OGs but some good goals at the other end.
Russ - 6 - lots of missed of shots. And I mean lots.

Same time next week fellas.

Poncho

Sold the Poncho for £51 + £5 postage. That'll be £6 profit thank you very much! Thick bastard.

Dream Team

I would be very surprised if KG has not wrapped this one up but since the Sun never printed the final scores in Saturday's paper, we aren't 100% sure. So, give it till Saturday and if they haven't shown up by then I will spend countless hours trying to work it out using the crappy online points tables.

Get your fivers to KG asap too.

Transformers

Most of us lot played with Transformers up to our early twenties. Optimus Prime, Starscream etc. Now I'm no Glen McNamee who I imagine writhed about a bit when he saw this trailer, but I have to say I am quite looking forward to this film.

Click.

Wednesday, May 23

Soon

Sunday, May 20

Man with no name


Poncho for sale, at long last.

Saturday, May 19

Penultimate Leader Board

One week to go, two big games that could decide where the Dream Team jackpot goes.

It's been an epic season at the top of the table and most of us have led at one time or another. The FA Cup and Champs League Final will be the deciders.

So here goes...

1st KG 1633 points
2nd Pete 1603 pts
3rd Me 1577 pts
4th Jo 1508 pts
5th Dale and Emma 1395pts
6th Graham 1381 pts
7th JB Heaney 1270 pts
8th KG Senior 1214 pts
9th Annette 675 pts

Tuesday, May 15

Sound

I'm a quiet man. Usually. Except when I've downed ten pints and am waxing lyrical about the caesarian procedure with a doctor...from Uganda. It's a long story that I can't be bothered telling so forget it.

But, at the minute, I am completely lost without sound. My sound card or something or other in my PC died the other day and, it's not until it did, I realised how much shit comes through my two little speakers! Youtube, The Wallet, I am Bored, games, videos, the news and my huge collection of freely acquired music!!

It's rare for me to go a day without blasting out something brilliant full blast to relax after a crap day at work (because everyday is crap?).

So, all you geeks and nerds out there, what's up with my PC?

My Avance 97 device thingy won't start.....IT'S A CODE 10 goddamit.

Forums

We used to have a forum. It was a wonderful thing, with literally 5 or so of us talking about nothing. Now it's gone. Not 'gone' gone, but it's been taken over by somebody with tourettes I think. I'd repeat some of the things on there, but it would make me blush.

So, in the interest of keeping us talking, hows about you follow me across to Glen's luvverly Obscure Internet forum? I'm already signed up, as pete_off_the_wallet. Glen will only ask you once to do an "article", I think it's some sort of fetish he has. Just ignore him.

Plus, not only does it have one of the lowest nerd-ratings of all the forums on the net (just 95.8%!), but it's got a porn bit as well. Apparently. Have a look though eh?

Wednesday, May 9

Malgrat del Mar Part 2

We've established already that MdM was chock filled with the elderly. The big poolside fashion statement was the knee-length short/knee-length sock combo. It was, at times, roasting; yet still the olds persisted with their fucking coats.

Pint courtesy of the robbing cunts at Durham/Tees Valley.

When we surfaced for our evening meal on the first day, we walked into a busy dining room. Literally everybody in there stopped and looked at us, like a reanimated vampire might look at a virgin's soft, tasty neck. The wife is getting on a bit (she's 30), but she was at least 30 years the junior of the vast majority of people in the room.

A beautiful day

The old-people's home feel of the place continued when we finally filled our plates. Everything was soft and not chewy in the slightest, to help those in the hotel with false teeth. One night, just before we were due to come home, they had what appeared to be cows testicles. They were a slight oval shape, and pretty smooth on the outside. Also, they were fucking gorgeous. Cow knackers are, like Frosties, GRRRRRREAT!

Electrical storm

Things improved slightly outside of the hotel. Some positively baby-faced 40 year olds walked the streets. It was like the film Cocoon, but on rewind. This being an up-and-coming resort, lots of signs had suffered during the translation. Take, for example, the Optimum Supperclub, where you would seemingly go to the bar for cocoa and crumpets. Or, further afield, the Diagonal Mar in Barcelona itself, apparently a mecca for 'shooping'.

It's in his kiss (That's where it is!)

May 1st was a holiday in Spain. Everywhere was shut, meaning we had to buy water from the ludicrously expensive ice cream shop. To make matters worse it pissed down. All day long. It was mind numbing, but the old people didn't notice, apart from a slight creaking of their bunions.

It was OK though. It wasn't like Benidorm or Tenerife, where everytime you go in a pub it's quite likely that you'll end up stood on the bar with your boxer shorts on your head. It was really chilled, partly because of the clientele, and partly because of the out-of-season nature of our holiday.

The real highlight was the swimming nun though. Well, not swimming, but paddling - habit and all.

Click for hot nun action!

After the above photo was taken I came out of the shower to find my bass and beats from my MP3 player replaced with soothing chanting. The nuns had sorted out a choir practice, under our balcony! Possibly the most surreal thing I've ever seen. Cracking.

Saturday, May 5

Grease is the Word

No. Shite is the word. It really does make X-Factor look like "The World at War".

Only worth watching to see David Gest I suppose, who is gradually becoming a horrible mix of Sylvester Stallone and Mr T.

Christ, is this really what it's come to?

Quick DT update

1st Pete 1553 pts
2nd Me 1530 pts
3rd KG 1522 pts
4th Jo 1393 pts
5th Dale and Emma 1340 pts
6th Graham 1320 pts
7th JBH 1228pts
8th KG's Dad 1202 pts
9th Annette 658 pts.

Thursday, May 3

Malgrat del Mar

Myself and the wife have just returned from sunny Spain, this very morning. I'm not going to bore you with tales of dim-witted tourists asking "why there's so many fucking Spaniards here" and "I'm not eating that foreign muck", but I just had to put something on here about the hotel.

Teatime in Malgrat del Mar

We turned up on Thursday evening, and after being dropped off by the butch Spanish bus driver we checked in. Several OAPs walked slowly past, but it was 3 in the afternoon, so all of the scantily clad birds would still be sleeping off last night's excesses. How wrong one man could be.

An old person in Malgrat, yesterday

When we re-emerged for tea, we discovered, much to our horror, that almost everyone in the hotel was over 60. This was bad. It was like an old people's home - mindless zombies moving aimlessly and slowly round the building. All it needed was plastic sheets and zimmerframe hire, and we were there.

Somewhere else altogether

As a result, all of the pubs were dead beyond 7pm. There were no battles to commandeer the sunbeds. In fact, almost nothing of note happened at all. It was by far and away the most relaxing holday I've ever been on.

Coming soon: Cow balls, more old people, songs of praise in spanish and swimming nuns!

Saturday, April 28

Oooh! Dream Team

This is getting interesting now!!

The battle for first place...

1st is Pete on 1515 points
2nd Me 1494 pts
3rd KG 1485 pts

The mid table war...

4th Jo 1363 pts
5th Dale and Emma 1333 pts
6th Graham 1285 pts

The battle of the Dads...

7th KG's Dad 1182 pts
8th Pete and Mikey's Dad 1179pts

And Annette...

9th Annette 639 pts.

Well done to Annette who amassed a collossal 8 points this week!

Wednesday, April 25

Library

Have you ever been playing through your songs on your PC, iPod, mp3 player etc. and it has gone from something sublime to something ridiculous? Well, it happened to me just the other day.

It went from this...



To this...



I know what you're thinking. Who on earth made THAT video? Or, you could be saying, why has he got the Poddington Peas theme tune? Do you know, I'm not too sure.

So, what's your best?

Monday, April 23

Fame? Part 2

So Mikey was linked to by some nutcase on MySpace.

Well, it turns out that Joanne's Grandma is a case study in the psychology of the penalty shoot out, by the looks of this.

Still can't believe he missed.

Saturday, April 21

Points Means Prizes

The Dream Team competition we have ran throughout the season is finally reaching boiling point...

The battle for first place...

1st is Pete on 1481 points
2nd Me 1441 pts
3rd KG 1434 pts

The mid table war...

4th Jo 1316 pts
5th Dale and Emma 1299 pts
6th Graham 1256 pts

The battle of the Dads...

7th KG's Dad 1136 pts
8th Pete and MIkey's Dad 1128pts

Oh, and Annette...

9th Annette 631 pts

Pete - bear in mind that Lampard will get a 20 point bonus for being the top scorer at the end of the season and your apparent 'un-catchable' 40 point lead is halved!

How exciting?

Friday, April 20

Fame?

Flicking through my various videos on Youtube, there isn't one there that I that still does not cause me to hold my head in shame and say,

"What had been slipped in my drink?"

Now on Youtube, if you're unfamiliar, underneath the videos is a little bit that says "Links" and it tells you how many websites link to the video. The majority of mine say 2 which are usually the Wallet and the post that it features in.

But not on one of them. Oh no.

The Brian Potter, "I don't know if you've noticed but I'm disabled!!", one. That had 3.

"Hmmmm? 3 links eh?" I wondered out loud. "Who could it be?" I clicked and it was a Myspace profile. My heart immediately sank. I knew this was going to be bad.

Meet the drug addled Gwin....

Click!


Gwin, on his profile, has kinldy added the following under his Would Like To Meet:

Liam Gallagher and the weirdo on this video(followed by my Potter impersonation).

I was outraged at first! Weirdo? Me? Infact, so miffed was I, that I actually deleted the video.

Only to find it STILL PLAYED on his profile!! ARRH!!

As KG put it (after ten minutes of almost uninterrupted laughter), "If you can't laugh at yourself Mikey...!!!"

I e-mailed Gwin via my Upbeat Glass Smash profile and we are now friends...only in MySpace land though.

And the video has been re-uploaded.

I am still undecided as to whether this whole experience was good or bad.

Thursday, April 19

It's your letters!

Yep, this is a bit old skool innit? You've sent us very little lately, and KG's sack is small and shrivelled. Speak to us!

Here's what we have got.....

Dear Walleteers,

Perhaps I could be named after the second largest city in the Czech Republic?

Know what I mean Harry?

Yours puzzlingly,

'Bruno' Tate
G-Town

I think you'll find it's Brno, you dyslexic knob.

Dear Walleteers,

Done any of those projects you keep going on about?

Yours,

Most of our readership

We will get round to it, we promise. We've got loads of stuff written down, but that's as far as it gets. Sorry. Really.

Dear Walleteers,

Your singing is fucking awful. You have no star quality. You are ugly bastards. When's your album out, and how are the rest of Westlife?

Yours chunkily,

Brian Macfadden

Sod off, lardarse.

Well that's it again. For another 4 years or whatever. Or until we get another email. 4 years then. Hmmmph

Comments

Recently, I have heard glowing comments about our site from people. Someone even liked me kicking off about the AA advert (thanks, Alex).

We do try and entertain. But do we succeed? Sometimes, probably. Mostly, not.

If, by some stretch of the imagination, something does tickle your funny bone, let us know eh? It only takes 5 mins, if you click the '0 comments' bit down the bottom of the blogs (look, down there!) you can leave us a little note - and you can even do it anonymously. We will come looking for you if you slag us off though.

Cheers in advance, chiefs.

Messi

Who's he think he is? Me?

Saturday, April 14

The Nash


It is that time of year when the Grand National has people bouncing up and down on the settee in the front room willing their £1 each wayer through the Aintree course.

"Which one's mine again?" is a guaranteed ask.

Usually followed up by, "The purple helmet?"

And finished with, "I think he's fell."

Hedgehunter is my tip. Rank outsider - Monkerhostin worth a £1.

Friday, April 13

A Short Public Announcement

Attn: The Police Helicopter Pilot.

Please don't hover above my house at 25 to midnight. Somewhat unsurprisingly, I am generally in bed, asleep at this hour. Whilst I'm sure your mission is of the utmost urgency, can you keep the engine down a bit? I could even hear you over the snores of my good lady wife. Which are seriously loud. Please note that I am unable to get out of bed at 7.30am, so your assistance in waking up would be much appreciated.

Thanks in advance,

Peter.

Wednesday, April 11

The Upbeat Glass Smash

4 new songs are up on The Upbeat Glass Smash MySpace site.

1. Another Night Out
2. Epic Ocean Adventure
3. 3 Minute Warning
4. Jupiter

Click here for a listen and don't forget to add me.

X Factor Weekend Finale

Hey there everyone, we've had a load of hits lately probably due to our truly ridiculous singing and shenanigans at Chris's birthday a week or so ago. Last up we have me and Jo singing Don't Stop Me Now...



My fave bit? When KG says "Brian May"!

Wednesday, April 4

X Factor Weekend Part 3

Well here we are with another instalment of videos from the weekend that was...

First a couple of clips of me doing drunk Potter impressions





Ring of Fire. (Please note that is KG belching not me!)



Then the birthday boy himself gets a special sing song. Think Kathryn must have lost count on the hip hips!



Then, remember these? Well here's a little clip of KG just after I drew Chris and Dale!!!



MORE SOON!

Tuesday, April 3

X Factor Weekend Part 2

Well as promised here's a couple more isntallments from a grand old night.

First up is KG and Jo giving us their rendition of What Ya Waiting For. Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock...



As for pictures, KG got some...

Kathryn the Raver

The Birthday Boy Chris and Alex

Pete and Me




And as for these three, well, just watch!!

More stuff tomorrow!!

Monday, April 2

Meet the Gang

Bored whilst at KG's house watching Boro get beat by West Ham I picked up the little drawing toy that was next to me and well, I decided to draw the gang.

Judge for yourself...







And not letting me miss out, KG had a go at drawing me...

X Factor Weekend

It had to happen one night.

A full on karaoke session all caught on camera!!

It was a wild old weekend, I spent Friday night at my old bosses leaving do (5 months later if you can work that out?) and then losing my rag in Walkabout.

Then, on Saturday, "2pm start?", asks KG.

"Oh aye", says I.

With 16 tins of Orangeboom in our hands we arrived at Casa del Appleby for a good old fashioned birthday party for Chris Groves, who is 22 tomorrow!

Happy Birthday me old son!!

There is a load of videos so I've had to do them separately rather than give an hour long special presented by Kate Thorn....Dermot O'Leary!

So first up, we all love a bit of Jet...don't we?!



And now from Jo and KG...

KEANE!!



MORE SOON!!! Including Don't Stop Me Now, Ring of Fire, Winds of Change and a fantastic rendition of What Ya Waiting For!

Oh and there's a few other videos as well to come, a couple of Phoenix Night Impressions, Chris blowing his candles out and 3 completely off it birds raving in Yates!!

Sunday, April 1

MySpace

As usual, we at the Wallet jump on the internet bandwagon at least 2 years too late.

So we've knocked a MySpace wotsit together. Look!

It's not up to much. But 'friend us up', if that's the accepted terminology. I'm sure it is. I am, after all, down with the MySpace kidz. Innit.

No Explaining if you don't get it


Nicked. B3ta, natch.

Thursday, March 29

Changing Rooms

83 Unused Window Sealant packs (don't even bother asking.)
7 Toolkits
4 Dead Spiders
2 Lardheads
1 Pikey

Yes, myself and KG decided it was time to clean out the garage at his Mam's house for a bit of a giggle.

I say a bit of a giggle, it was more a bit of a nightmare.

"Hey Mikey, we could change it into a gym or summat!"

"Er, hows about a bar?"

"Fuck me, a never thought of that."

Away we went.

I have never seen so much junk in a small amount of space since I last had the bonnet up on the Punto. This time though, I had the boot up on the Punto and in went bits of wood, a smashed in hi-fi, two, what can only be described as , 'unused', drill sets and a kitchen waste bin full with...

"Kitchen waste?" I asked.

"No mate, it's full of Rollerblades."

So with the Punto loaded up for trucking and the grizzly KG unfortunately not in hot pursuit I made my way to the Recycling Centre in Warrenby just outside Redcar.

It's more of a Pikey's playground than a Recycling Centre. When I got there I thought I had just driven into the set of Snatch and was about to be asked, "Ye wanna buy a caravan?"

I pulled up to any random skip and started unloading when this rough fella comes over, fag in mouth, coat ripped.



"What the hell are ye doing son? Ye cannet put stuff where ye want ye know. Hang on fella, are doze drills in good nick?"

"Dunno mate. What shall I do with this kitchen waste bin?"

"Kitchen waste bin? What's in it?"

I had to think fast. I didn't want to end up ina fight with One Punch (or was it One Lung?!) Mickey.

I gave a look of despair and sighed.

"Roller-pissing-blades."

Telly Progs

Click here for an an excellent site, listing links to flash versions (sometimes in outstanding detail) of telly programmes both past and present.

And yeah, that really is all of the episodes of Bottom. Watch them now!

Saturday, March 24

The AA Insurance Advert

WARNING! I'm going to get something off my chest - this will involve swearing.....

No doubt you've seen the AA insurance advert. You know, the one were the woman picks up the child in her car, he's got headphones on and she tries to tell him about her day but he can't hear her. Because of his headphones. Natch.

Perhaps, though it's not because of his headphones. Perhaps it's because every time he gets in the car YOU TALK TO HIM ABOUT FUCKING CAR INSURANCE WHEN HE'S BEEN AT SCHOOL ALL DAY, YOU BORING OLD BASTARD, like he could GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT IT ANYWAY, because let's face it YOU'RE ONLY THERE TO SHUTTLE HIM FROM ONE PLACE TO ANOTHER ANYWAY AND MAYBE COOK HIM SOME CHIPS AND GIVE HIM MONEY TO SPEND ON DRUGS. Maybe.

For Christ's sake, she looks so happy about getting some new insurance. Can somebody's day really be so shitty that they get all excited about renewing their policy? Surely not.

Ah, that feels much better.

Scream Team

This is seriously close now, what with us all having very similar teams at the top. All it's going to take is a hattrick from Rooney to make me win it...

1st Pete 1301pts
2nd KG 1276pts
3rd Me 1266pts
4th Dale & Emma 1211pts
5th Graham 1158pts
6th Jo 1148pts
7th KG Senior 998pts
8th JBH 972pts
9th Annette 611pts

Once this England week is over then we have got some serious games to decide who takes home the Dream Team prize!

Friday, March 23

Did You Think We Forgot?

Okay it is a week later but it was in fact KG's birthday on Friday.
The old bastard turned 24 and celebrated in style by pretty much wrecking half of Normanby and Middlesbrough.

Me and KG started off in the Norman Conquest in Normanby and, 12 pints later, were joined in the Pov by the rest of the wrecking crew.

A couple of stories...

After leaving the Conquest, I managed to not hop over the perimiter fence as I managed to catch my trailing leg and topple over in the mud.


Walking down the road towards the Tiger pub (where KG caned the fruity for about 40 minutes), KG spots a missing dog poster....

"Hello?"

"Hiya mate, av just seen the poster on the lampost like, about the cocker spaniel? Yeah well av only fucking found him avn't a?"

"Really? Does he have long ears?"

"Orh yeah mate, fucking massive."

"And what about it's tail? Does it have a long tail?"

"Nah mate. UNLIKE ME!!!"

Another one from the town was this poor sod...

You see, his shirt caused great offence to KG so, when he bumped into the lad on his way back from the gents, all hell broke loose.

"Think ya fucking clever advertising class a drugs mate?!"

As Phil put it, "All we heard was, 'Urgent assistance required upstairs!' and we knew it was KG!!!"

Cracking night was had by all.

And, here's a little vid of the celebrations...


Monday, March 19

The Best Photo EVER.

Sunday, March 18

Joe's Birthday

We went to Joanne's 30th Birthday last night. It was fancy dress. We all looked seriously foolish. To commemorate reaching 30, Joe has created a site to showcase her photos and allow her guests to leave a message - and hey, you were probably there if you're reading this.

Give this a click if you wanna have a look!

Tuesday, March 13

30 things update

Well I am pleased to announce that today I achieved...

25. Have something named after you.

Meet Michael...


You see, our Mam bought herself some new goldfish today and unbeknownst to her I suggested the following, "Why don't you call that one Michael?"

She agreed!

1-0-0 Mikey!!

Saturday, March 10

Going Home

A drunken KG and a filming Mikey made there way home last night after one too many. First up some Brent dancing, then a glimpse at KG's for sale sign fetish before finally passing out in his house.

Watch now...

Dream Team Update

At last we have a Dream Team update and for me, this is not going to be happy typing.


Transfers are in, scores have been updated and let me tell you now, this is squeeky bum time.

1st KG 1194pts

2nd Pete 1193pts

3rd Me 1158pts

4th Dale & Emma 1149pts

5th Joanne 1105pts

6th Graham 1095pts

7th KG Senior 942pts

8th JBH 836pts

9th Annettee 575pts.

As most of us at the top have stolen each others ideas and, now have very similar teams, there's a few key players who can win this for us. This could be a cracking finale to the season!!

Thursday, March 8

30 things to do before KG is 30

Mike's done this before, ages ago, when the Wallet was a youngster. But some of the things just cost too much, and because we were blogging so much then we just got lost in the storm of posts.

So, we've refined the list, and there's a link to it in the sidebar, over there, look -> so you can see how we're getting on.

THE RULES

  • We start today, 8th March 2006.
  • We end when KG turns 30, ie 16th March 2013.
  • We can't break any laws.
  • We can't put ourselves in immediate danger.
  • All three of us have to do the task, no good for one or two of us.
  • Those tasks that one or two of us have done previous to today don't count, so my fortnight on the piss in Benidorm counts for nowt.

But otherwise, anything goes!

THE THINGS

1. Lad's Holiday - abroad
2. Visit a country in every continent
3. Win more than £500 quid in one bet
4. Go to an international sporting event
5. Go out every night, including nightclubs, for a week.
6. Attend the Munich Beer Festival
7. Have a horrific accident on video.
8. Send it to You've Been Framed
9. Win a 5-a-side footy trophy.
10. Drive across America
11. See the northern lights
12. Represent a country at a sporting event.
13. Go round a golf course in par or better.
14. Gatecrash a celebrity party, and get away with it. And get in the papers somehow.
15. Night in a haunted house.
16. Get in a national newspaper with a surreal story (a la Uncle Reg)
17. Dye your hair blonde, or get it in a stupid style.
18. Go to a music festival. Done by Mikey and KG, if you count Middlesbrough Music Live.
19. Fly a plane.
20. Smoke cigars in Havana.
21. Own a car with more than 300BHP.
22. Go camping.
23. Learn to cook, properly.
24. Race a Ferrarri round Silverstone.
25. Have something named after you. Done by Mikey!
26. Be on the telly.
27. Have a European Tour.
28. Do a Cannonball Run style race with a load of mates.
29. Stage a protest.
30. Still be alive at the end...

Wednesday, March 7

The Top Gear Challenge

Ever since KG bought himself a car the other week the three of us have been itching to do this one...

Make Your Own Top Gear Feature.

Because we love Top Gear and the current series has now ended, we are going to fill the void. So, KG and Pete and whoever else is up for this (Wallet readers - that means you) you've got till the end of March to make a feature approximately five minutes long. Everyone has a mobile camera these days so crack on.

The more over the top, dramatic and ridiculous the better. There will be a prize for the winner of course as well like a certificate or something. We'll find an independent judge somewhere.

And, because I knew this was coming, here's a little teaser of mine...

The Illustrious Fiat Punto.

Monday, March 5

Genuine Drama

For Christmas, I received 'Vice City Stories' the latest incarnation of the Grand Theft Auto franchise on PSP. Vice City, for those of you who are unaware of the geography of this fictional gangland, is split into two islands - with the splendidly named Starfish Island in the centre.

You can't get into one of the islands at the start of the game. All the bridges are closed because there's apparently a huge weather system on the way. Eventually, you get far enough into the game - the bridges open, the weather system fails to appear and you can now fart about in all of the game you paid 40 fucking quid for.

GTA:VCS is dull. You only play it to open up the other side of the islands, so you're able to free-roam through the entire game. All of the excitement is found in finding little nooks and crannies, things hidden away from the level structure of the game, so once you find the secret guns and bikes and whatnot, the game gets massively dull. Today though, I played the most dramatic, heart pounding, wondrous game I've ever experienced. What was it? Brian Lara Cricket on the Xbox.

I don't mean that it's like that every time. BLC has faults, some pretty serious ones at that - you can only return the ball to the striker's end, it sometimes gives you out for nothing, un-licensed test cricket, David Gower commentating with a plum in his mouth and up his arse - but it plays a decent game of cricket most of the time.

Despite it's failings, the test game is quite authentic (except the names) in being not only a test of skill, but patience as well. It's quite possible to score 2 runs in 12 overs (72 balls, non cricket people) so you have to really stick in there and make the most of the chances.

What about the drama, the excitement I hear you asking. Well, I was playing today against the West Indies, on the Test (hardest) level. They bowled me out in my first innings for a mediocre 159. I set about restricting their advantage well, but Lara and Jacobs settled in and I eventually skittled them for 184.

My second innings was much the same, leaving me in front by 144, with 2 days to play. A draw was out of the question, I had to bowl them out, and pretty quickly. Things started well, fifth ball of the first over, Harmison knocking stumps everywhere with a 95 mph sizzler. Two more fell quickly, leaving the Windies 19-3. Things looked promising. Problem was, Lara was back with his mate Jacobs again, Harmison and Flintoff had tired. Giles was brought into the attack but was swiftly disregarded as Lara smashed 18 off him in one over. Shit.

With the Windies on 115-3, and with time running out, I brought Hoggard into the attack. His first delivery arrowed into the head of Lara, knocking him down and reducing his confidence - time to bring the field in. Next ball, another bouncer, and Lara swings and turns one into the slips - got him!

Flintoff from the other end, a wonder over 3 90mph plus efforts, then a 45mph dribbler totally mistimed and caught on the boundary. 115 - 5. If I can take the next man, Flintoff, Hoggard and Harmison can rip through the tail-enders. Come on, concentrate.

Hoggard to Tino Best, oops. Field brought in to the leg side, try a slow ball down the wrong side and he smashes it for 6, onto the roof of the stand. Bollocks. 121-5. Tension is getting to me now. No-balls become common occurences. Windies on 129-5. 15 to win. Flintoff to Jacobs, now on 31, and Freddie comes up with an absolute monster, 98mph, LBW given straight away. 4 to get.

Next ball, last of the over, not very well guided but the batsman swings anyway - caught! 3 to go. New over, only facing tailenders now, Harmison back into the attack, field right in on top. Aim straight at the stumps, they won't be able to play it...and they can't, stumps everywhere again, 2 to get, can't get it wrong now.

129-8. Two to go. Harmison, second ball of the new over, second victim - 96mph inswinger, big swing from the batsman but far too late. Harmison on a hat trick and one needed to take the game. In he comes, and away he goes, first ball, demolition job on middle stump. 5 wickets in 5 balls, nice one.

It might sound a bit over the top. That's how it happened, and while the write up might not sound very interesting due to poor English, I was literally jumping out of my seat when the 5 wickets went down, and sweating with every poor delivery.

GTA:VCS is like a film. It has people paid to write a script to create tension, drama from extreme circumstance and actions. Sport doesn't. Sport makes it's own stories. Be it Man United in the Champion's league final, Schumacher scything his way through the field in his last race to try and take the title, or Harmison's last over dismissal of Kasprowicz in the Ashes in 2005, film, and indeed games, have nothing to match it.

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