Monday, October 30

New Songs

Hola everyone, I've got 4 new tunes up on MySpace for your listening pleasure. Check em out here...

The Upbeat Glass Smash

Why Keith is putting off the Phone Upgrade

Click.

Photo Time

Friday saw the fab 4, myself, KG, Phil and Kathryn gatecrash an 18th party - Vicky someone. Doesn't matter as we had a cracking night and Phil managed to dribble a little bit of spew from the corner of his mouth. Well done you old slag for becoming the most minging we have ever seen you. No pics of that incident unfortunately but if anyone can explain this...

And on Saturday Phil and Kathryn pulled off a cracker of a night at their cobweb infested Halloween party and there a few pics to add to Pete's on my Flickr.

Special guests Take That took home the 'costume of the night' awards...


For all my pics click here.

For Pete's horrific collection click here.

Great days.

Sunday, October 29

Sherlock Holmes in.......

The Easiest Case Ever.

Big Halloween Bash
















Emma's mask was ultra-scary.

For more gruesome images, click here!

Wednesday, October 25

Extinction

Last night, I had some Findus Crispy Pancakes for tea.

As an indicator of man’s progression throughout the ages, the marriage of synthetic bread crumbs, mince and gravy shows that we are clearly the dominant species on the planet. I mean, which other species can rustle up a tasty, nutritious foodstuff without actually putting any food in it?

None of them.

While I was filling my face with Crispy Pancake, I had the 6.30 news on ITV blasting in my ear. they were telling me that as a human, I had some sort of responsibility for the size of ‘Man’s footprint’ on the ecosystem. Now, my feet are pretty big but surely i couldn’t be wiping out animals just by walking about could I? Spiders maybe, but pandas?

Apparently, it’s our fault. Pandas are getting the shitty end of the stick because we have become the bastards of planet Earth. We’re using everything up so fast, that according to men in white coats we need 2 planets to survive for much longer. Fair enough, a mess of our own making. We’ll sort it.

Not sure what this has to do with Pandas though, who spent much of the report being eyed up by David Suchet, old Poirot himself. No wonder they won’t have sex with each other. Pandas, not pandas and Suchet....

“It’s hard to believe,” lamented Suchet, expertly employing the BBC English he used when portraying the Belgian Poirot “There are only enough of these creatures left to fill the stalls at the Albert Hall.”

Superb luvvie analogy to highlight the plight of these cuddly teddies Poirot, but the vast majority of the world haven’t seen the stalls at the Albert Hall, never mind from the stage. I mean, use a slightly more down to earth reference; not enough Pandas to fill the north stand at the Boro? No, not Boro fans either most of the time.

In the case of 99% of extinct/almost extinct animals were mown down by man. Dodos, tigers, elephants and rhinos, all sacrificed for some amazing delicacy or medical property. But pandas? No. Rubbish.

Pandas are nearly gone because they are fucking hopeless. Lumbering, awkward creatures who do literally nothing all day, who‘ve been suckered as much as the public into thinking they are shafted.

They only eat a specific kind of bamboo, so don’t stray far from a certain area. They do literally nothing, like a Grangetown doley, looking for their next sympathy vote. Pandas should have been fine. But then scientists decided to count them, and the numbers looked worrying. Now they almost totally refuse to get it on, thinking they will be OK till dole day, and the numbers are running down seriously.

OK, if you’re an green, you will tell me about the trade in panda fur. Fair enough, but what about wool? Everyone has a woolly jumper, but there’s no danger of sheep disappearing is there?

Pandas need to seriously adapt to the world. Run about a bit. Go to the gym. Eat Crispy Pancakes. Watch some Frankie Vaughan.

Pandas are simply the end of the evolutionary line for that species. Failure to adapt in time causes them to be dangerously near extinction. But it’s not us that have done the damage. Darwin’s law has struck gold, but this time right in front of us, not 65 million years ago when it expertly did the dinosaurs over.

So, it’s not just us. We are shit-houses. We do now have an ecological conscience.

But pandas are just taking the piss.

Tuesday, October 24

The BW Sun-Pat Fantasy Football 2006/2007

1 Joanne Heaney 339
2 KG Jnr 339
3 Dale and Emma Miller 324
4 Mike Heaney 307
5 Graham Newton 302
6 Peter Heaney 301
7 KG Snr 266
8 Joe Heaney 149
9 Annette Newton 147

Apologies for any hopes that may have been falsely raised and then dashed against the rocks of disappointment, like ships in a gusty night.

The biggest spurt of Dale's life lands in Mikes lap, giving the leaderboard a shuffle, with everything to play for!

Transfers and other announcements on the forum!

Monday, October 23

Galatasary vs. Pigbag

We have a winner....

Fantasy Pissing Footy - Not Playing Anymore - Update

It's rubbish anyway. It doesn't reflect your footballing knowledge in any way, shape or form.

Ain't that right Mike?

1 Joanne Heaney 339
2 KG Jnr 331
3 Dale and Emma Miller 324
4 Graham Newton 302
5 Peter Heaney 284
5 Mike Heaney 284
7 KG Snr 266
8 Annette Newton 147
9 Joe Heaney 136

And by the way Mike, I know that with Alphabetical order you should be above me, but you haven't just programmed the spreadsheet thingy with the transfers have you? So ner-ner-ner.

Photos

Just spent a good 2 hours making a white hot post with all my photo's , awesome one liners and then it decided to sort of, you know, just like Blogger usually manages to do disappear right before my eyes.

So here you go...make your own conclusions. Blogger is too unreliable and won't let me!!

Click.

Sunday, October 22

Stuff I Want For Xmas

Well it is heading that way. Boots, BHS, Smiths et al are all jacked up with decks, shit gift sets and pretty much all of last years unsold stock.

And with this Sunday afternoon being a bit of a snooze fest for me, I thought I'd a have a look about and see what caught my eye. Anyway, here's a few ideas for all of you who will be buying me pressies this year. That means you!!

So, we have...

A nice new wallet. Hopefully filled with stacks of cash. Here's the range on the Yoox page. £82.00 for a wallet? I don't think so like.

Saw a lovely coat in Debenhams as well the other day but it's not online. It's a sort of grey jackety type thing but anyway, leave that one. A voucher will do for that.

Love, the new Beatles album from the Cirque De Soleil show which is meant to be pretty mint by all accounts. Apparently Heather and Paul are going to court shortly but I don't think Heather has a leg to stand on. (And that joke is coming soon to a Chubby Brown show near you).

Fair few DVD's are kicking about as well all brought out in time for Xmas. One particular one am after having seen a fair bit on You Tube (but has since been removed) it is now on the wishlist and that is Carl Perkins and Friends.

I'm also after a decent but cheapish acoustic guitar. I particularly like this one. But that's not cheap!

Books as well. They come out by the shed load in time for Christmas. The Peter Kay one, "The Sound of Laughter" I imagine is a good read as well as this QI one, Jamie Olivers one and Palin's Python Diaries.

What else then?

So much to choose from I tell you what though it's quite good this picking stuff out, plus I might get some good pressies this year!!

Well, what do you want for Christmas? Discuss in the Forum here.

October Reviewed

Well it's been a big old month, money has been spent, Nigerians have been told to import phones from elsewhere and ice skating is just not for me.

As it comes up to payday again, I like to review the finances, see what the score is and usually try to work out where £100 or so has dissapeared. Usually in the pub.

This month kicked off with all the usual bills. Credit card, lodge, loan and also having to pay Bon Prix (classy online clothes shop - yeah right) a colossal £31 back as they managed to refund me for a pair of jeans. Twice. Well that was the debts out of the way. Now on to the fun.

I have to say, us lot have calmed down over the last few months or so. Middlesbrough has been done so many times that we have lost interest and have started to enjoy a nice few pints round Normanby and Eston or, 'The Bronx' as it is quickly becoming.

Murders, coke abuse (not the soft drink), family fueds. It's like going for a pint in your very own episode of the Sopranos. However, it is enjoyable and cheap. Not that we are getting tight in our old age. So the first few weekends we really enjoyed the delights of some of our local pubs, just for a change.

But this weekend myself and Phil returned to the town last night for what was a very good night out. The Star, formerly the Star and Garter has been done out and I mean done out. It could be the best pub in Boro now. I will post some photos of some lovely and not so lovely ladies from Walkabout for you all later.

Young Keith stayed in for a Chinese I think (I'll let KG explain that one).

Anyway, on to Nigeria.

If you have ever sold a mobile phone on ebay you may have come across an e-mail like this...

Dear seller,

I saw this item much envitiable to what i'd need as a gift for my Son who is on an intensive programme with chevron abroad. Firstly i have know the perfect working condition of this item and if you'll be able to allow me to purchase it right away,if yes then i'll be glad to offer you 400GBP including the shipping and handling via Roayal mail or DHL, as i can't wait till bid ends,and also i'll like to ask if you be able to realeased item for shippment upon receiving the payment confirmation from Money Gram stating that your money has been confirmed.Basically i will be paying you via Money Gramcos is fast and secure pls if this is ok by you kindly get back to me with your details like Full name, full contact address and your valid email address so that i can make the payment right away..looking forward to read from you. reply me back to this email address bellow lian_dennisrealbuyer1@yahoo.com Mrs Lian Dennis.

I got at least 20 of these e-mails which were all met with a pleasant reply from my goodself...."No fucking chance."

I managed to sell what can only be described as the most battered Sony Ericsson k750i you've seen and, for an unbelievable £90. It has been dropped, chewed, slept on, scratched, thrown at walls and I imagine the poor bloke in Wales who bought it is probably fuming that he never read the advert properly.

Ice Skating. Or Rail Hugging as I have now christened it. It's not big and it's not clever. It could be the most pointless activity known to man. And, when you are 'Rail hugging' and a little twat faced kid glides past and then, as if to mock me, proceeds to line dance on his skates it does nothing for your confidence. They are trying to save the rink at the Billingham Forum or in fact, the whole building. I say: CLOSE IT NOW.

So what else?

Dream Team will be getting a full update shortly from Pierre. If the Sun sorted it's website out we would know what the scores are so we shall see. Mind you, I think Mr Shevchenko has put me top.

The Upbeat Glass Smash has 4 new tunes ready to go on 1st November. New friends in the past week or so include, Les Dennis, Harold Bishop, Toadfish, Sir Trevor McDonald and Richard Whitely who, as I understand it, is currently dead.

Extras Series 2 was just flat out brilliant. Thank the lord for BBC 2's website showing the full episode otherwise five a side would have meant me missing it all.

Oh and I almost forgot about the Ball my works held the other week at Crathorne Hall to celebrate it's 10 year anniversary. A cracking little do and a splendid time was guaranteed for all. Free bar as well. Quality. A few pics from that as well will be up on Flickr later. I ended up being allocated the 'Bishop' room. I took a bit of a bashing for that one. Wahey!

Also make sure to visit our forum which is a hive of activity at the minute.

Tuesday, October 17

This Whole Transfer Thing

I had a look on Dream Team tonight via the Suns website and couldn't find the post transfer window scores for my new players. Can anyone help?

Also to clarify after I have read the rules, you retain the points that your three transfers had scored for you. So that's 23 in the bag for me.

And Pete...just who is top of the league, say who is top of the league? (No Fred Elliott gag intended. RIP Fred.)

Sunday, October 15

Telemarketing

Funny as this.

Friday, October 13

Every Breath You Take

You know when someone's watching you, and you can feel their eyes boring into the back of your head?

Horrible isn't it? Now imagine it for a week. A fucking week!

You see, caravan 31 at Thorpe Park contained Mr Zacariah Marshall Spark, or Zack to you and me. The opposite caravan, 41 I think, contained more melodrama than a fortnight of Eastenders. In 41 were the odd couple. A pair of cousins, apparently, who would implore their hard luck stories upon us every time we met; the best of which contained a brown Staffordshire bull terrier of which Zack is one. Of those.

Zack, yesterday.

"Awww, isn't he luvvvvvverllllyyy?" Said the woman from 41 "Just like Amber (I think) was." Was. Past tense.

"She died not so long ago," says 41 "a fox got hold of her and she died from the complications. Very sad. That's why I watch you in the caravan. To see the dog."

COURSE IT IS YOU NOSEY OLD BAG

With Zack quickly retreating to a more sensible position between my legs, we moved on. Bit scary, eh? It gets better.

Next day, we saw the man from 41. Like a beardless Santa with a hint of Reg Holdsworth, he was a bit, er, strange. He could turn the conversation to either of two subjects with alarming ease - his cat, at home sulking and awaiting his return - or HIS DEAD WIFE.

So, for a week we've been watched by a mad dog-less old spy and her widowed moggy-worrying cousin.

We had to get out (which was the plan anyway) and get out we did. Tuesday morning, after a carefully timed Zack stroll, avoiding the neighbourhood watch over the road. With the glint of the digital camera becoming too much, we descended upon Cleethorpes itself. I say descended, because you really couldn't go down any further.

Cleethorpes Promenade. Cars digitally added.

The promenade at Cleethorpes consists of a big long road that drops off from the main stretch, passes some arcades and then leads to a roundabout to send you back from whence you came. That's it. At least 60% of the main seafront is brick wall, which you drive past once, and then turn round for a better look. The arcades are all identikit two shutter efforts with all the same machines, including the most unfair teddy grabbers ever. The wife tried to 'grab' a Winnie the Pooh, only to find the claw had less pulling power than the annual Christopher Reeve paraplegic tug 'o war championships. Rip off. For reference, the next cabinet actually contained teddy poos, like brown turd shaped teddies, if you get my drift. Who would want a teddy shaped like a shite?

In the evening, we ventured into the 'entertainment' complex, which should be receiving a visit from trading standards about now. The duo, a lad and lass, were just wrong. The bird had the most booming, Brian Blessed style voice, while the bloke sang with a lovely falsetto. It was just wrong. They were just shit.

The Deep, from the wrong side of the Humber.

Wednesday came, and with the glint of high power infra red binoculars from over the road becoming too much, we shut the curtains and fucked off to the Deep in Hull. We were promptly stung for (and I quote the wife) "two pound fucking seventy!" to "cross a fucking bridge" and arrived at The Deep. You have to go here, but follow the signs and not the totally hopeless SatNav thingy, which expertly dumped us on the wrong side of the River Humber. D'oh! Eventually we got to the correct side, and ventured into The Deep. It was superb; a well spent 8 quid if only for the huge shark that looked like it owned the place, and very possibly did.

A big shark, apparently named Amy. Pussy.

If you like fish, you'll love the Deep. If you like chips as well, then you're stuffed. Back to Cleethorpes, for the England match. We watched this in the bar on the site, where 30 or so Scotsmen pointed out that they beat France on Satda, and the majority of England's failings, but neglected to comment when the latest Ukrainian goal went in. Odd that.

Shevchenko scores! Scotland ignores!

On Thursday morning, with the glint of the newly installed tracking satellite equipment across the road becoming too much, we jumped in the car and drove the arduous and single laned road into Lincoln.

It was OK. That’s it. To generalise, it was full of nerds. Every other person was either a student scrounger or a foppishly fringed expensively dressed metrosexual. I felt so scruffy, that I was forced to walk round with my head in a bag.

Well, not quite but you know what I mean. They say everywhere has rough element (more on this later) but Lincoln simply hasn’t. I bet the police force is the most under worked in the country, every one is so nice and happy and stylish and self satisfied. It was awful. Like one of those utopian ideals from the future, even the pensioners skipped along with a spring in their step, whilst the teens kept a knowing eye on them, just in case...

Some nerds, possibly from Lincoln, but more likely Springfield.

We could own Lincoln. A small gang of Boro lads could have the place on it’s knees in no time. A chav mayor for Lincoln. I like it.

Later on, with the glint of the 500,000,000,000,000 candle power spotlights becoming too much, we went out for Chinese with one of the wife’s transport suppliers. Firstly, into a Wetherspoons for a few beers, along with all the old Grimsby alcoholics. Nice conversation, nice beer, nice pub, until A BIG FUCK OFF FIGHT STARTED NEXT TO ME AND SENT BLOOD, TABLES AND DRINKS SPILLING ACROSS THE FLOOR, WHILST SEVERAL OF WETHERSPOONS FINEST SPRINTED IN THEIR BEST SLOW MOTION TOWARDS THE RUCK. None of mine, nor my company’s blood, or more importantly beer, was spilt. All was well. It was the polar opposite of Lincoln; it was real, not clean and perfect. It was brilliant.

An unhappy Sea Bass, not at The Deep.

Across the road then, to the Chinese, and more beer, and a sea bass. You heard. We chose a dish each and the guy who took us out asked the waitress to choose a fish dish for us. Sea bass. It arrived, and with unsteady hands and a not very well hidden look of fear we all sampled it. It was fucking stupendous. Very possibly the finest main meal I have ever experienced. Many more beers later, we were dropped off back at the caravan, next to SURVEILLANCE STATION ALPHA ONE. It was our last night.

The morning of the day I typed this, with the glint of the Hubble telescope becoming too much, we set off home. It was murder. Accident after accident and visibility reducing fog meant we could only see 200 yards in front of us, and we had to stick to a safety first speed of 95 mph. Ridiculous.

We pretty much avoided the odd couple for the rest of the week. We saw the Holdsworth/Santa mongrel once, but parted with a “Hello” and that was it. Perhaps he did hear me shout “There’s that weirdo!” in the caravan with the windows open. Anyway, if you’re reading this, Reg Claus, then a bit of advice. We all have shit in our lives. But don’t impart the shit to people who are on their holidays.

It has a tendency to put a downer on an otherwise total result of a holiday.

Monday, October 9

Transfer News

With the dream team window in full swing, you'll have seen Pete's post, here is an update on mine and 'our' Dad's teams.

I have gotten rid of two Boro numpties. Mark Schwarzer and Stuey Downing as Boro are looking to have an absolutely dire season.

Brought in are, Sorenson from Villa and Parker at Newcastle who are both in cracking form.

I've also dumped Konchesky from West Ham and brought in Mellberg, who also from Villa as they are now officially good.

Joseph H has dumped Pascal Cygan (he's in a different country now), that welsh git Bellamy and spat out the Greek guy, Stelios. He's brought in Agger, Saha and Ronaldo. Watch out for Joe H to start climbing the ladder now.

Time to ditch the DEADWOOD!!!

Follwing on from Mikey's post, here are my October transfers.

Out goes West Ham's dissapointing Danny Gabbidon, really thought he would have kicked on from a solid 1st season in the prem last year. In comes Meite from Bolton, cracking start to the season, another cracking find from Bent Big Sam.

Transfer 2 is Bye Bye Fabio Rochembach, altho one of Boro's best performers this season, he just aint scoring in the eyes of the Sun, and theres no room for sentiment in The Craddocks of Eston, sponsored Dream Team. In comes Seoul from Reading, a great start from the Korean under the watching eye of Steve Coppell.

My last transfer is, See you later Corraddi, from Man Citeh, and hello Benni McCarthey from Blackburn Rovers, a striker bang in form, and I expect him to continue his scoring in a strong Rovers team.

So there we go KG was already in a strong postion before I ditched my deadwood, watch me run away with this competition now!!!

Sunday, October 8

The Upbeat Glass Smash

I've put myself back on MySpace. Click here to have a look and say hello. Oh and make sure you add me.

Current friends include Jeff Stelling and Frank Butcher!!

Borat

Thanks to Cracked.com here is a collection of Borat and his top 10 sketches. Spot on funny.

Click.

The BW Ronseal Fantasy Footy 2006 Latest!

1 Peter Heaney 235
2 Mike Heaney 230
3 KG Jnr 222
4 Joanne Heaney 217
5 Graham Newton 216
6 Millers 211
7 KG Snr 207
8 Joe Heaney 103
9 Annette Newton 85

Transfers have to be in by Satda! I have emailed the necessary people!

EXCITEMENT MOUNTS!

Saturday, October 7

Dream Team Transfer Window

So, we have reached a pivotal moment.

Who leads the BW Dream Team league is somewhat of a mystery. I think it's probably me or KG Snr.

But how long will the lead last?

The Sun has launched it's transfer window but there will be no bungs, dodgy agents and unfortunately Harry Redknapp, king of the transfer is not here to advise Annette.

Pete can we have the rules please.

Wednesday, October 4

Why Extras Is Class

Stephen Merchant is fast becoming a legend in both mine and KG's eyes.

Phone

Will be sold tonight so get bidding. Here.

Tuesday, October 3

A Few Music Videos - From YouTube!

This one.

Another one.

A third.

Another one of those ones.

Now fuck off.

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