Tuesday, August 29

Dream Team Update

1: Mike Heaney 94

2: Graham Newton 77
3: KG Snr 76
4: Joanne Heaney 76
5: KG Jnr 75
6: Dale and Emma Miller 59
7: Peter Heaney 49
8: Joe Heaney 30
9: Annette Newton 14

Apologies for wonkiness.

Go on Mike! Win it for the Wallet!

All to play for! Click for the Forum!

Monday, August 28

Boro Yesterday

Some photos from yesterdays wild night out can be found here!

Sunday, August 27

BW Dream Team Fantasy Fussball 2006/2007

Scores on the Doors!

1: Mike - 75
2: KG Snr - 66
3: Graham - 53
4: KG Jnr - 49
5: Joanne - 41
6: Pierre - 34
7: Millers - 25
8: Joe - 12
9: Annette - 9

(Does not include Saturday or Sunday games)

Diss your team? Clicky!

Thursday, August 24

Champs League Draw

Chelsea vs. Barca again!!

Cracking draw...click.

Redcar/Hollywood/Dunkirk

These are the pics of the mocked up Dunkirk set for new film, Atonement. The scenes are being filmed on Redcar beach - renowned for it's stray dogs, drunk kids, raw sewage and superb lemon tops.

Click for Pics

Monday, August 21

Fantasy Football - Update!

Oooh! Excitement mounts!

1: KG Senior - 56
2: Mike - 48
=3: Joanne - 28
=3: Graham - 28
5: Dale and Emma - 23
6: KG Junior - 22
7: Pierre - 20
8: Annette - 1
9: Joe - -2

and still with Phil's team (which has been done, I'm reassured) to be added!

Discuss it here!

Sunday, August 20

Squeal Piggie!!



Classic!! The old mans shuffle could be a new dance move for the lads I think.

Monday, August 14

The BW Forum

I've just been looking through the old Forum gubbins, and it was nice for a while. Fuck it, I'm reopening it (not that it was ever shut).

Come and have a look eh? Tell your friends! Tell your enemies! Tell the Hezbollah militants! Yes, all are welcome! Fun, nice, life, youth, beautiful! I'm all for it.

Heroes of the Wallet #1

"I'm just glad I lived long enough to hear the shittiest band ever" - Noel Gallagher on Sum41.

Chiefs and Chiefettes.....

A treat, to brighten your Monday evening experience.

Right clicky, save target as, here!

Sunday, August 13

Why the Checkout Girl Must Not Be Allowed to Die

Myself and the wife went to Tesco at Coulby Newham today, for our weeks shopping. As we didn't exactly have a trolley full, we used the new-fangled "self-service" tills.

Surely you've seen these, you scan your own stuff, pack your own stuff and then pay for your own stuff, yourself.

This is a great idea, in theory. It reduces staff requirements, therefore allowing the store to reduce the prices of it's goods. In theory.......

When you reduce staff requirements and let the general public do the job, it causes a slight difficulty. This is because the general public are on average FUCKING IMBECILES who cannot perform even the most straight forward task.

First error: Don't let your video game obsessed 10 year old son do the scanning. He will think it's a XPackage or a Sony PlayStatement 3, and start prodding buttons and flicking switches in the vain hope that he could, in the end, 'be' Goro. Get an adult to do it, as they are frightened of buttons and will just DO AS THEY FUCKING SHOULD.

Second Error: Scan the item, the machines beeps it's approval, and then you put the item on the conveyor belt to prove that you haven't taken a PS2 but scanned an apple instead, cos it's cheaper and that. Don't just hand the items to your Mam, and look quizzically at the machine when it demands item placement.

Third Error: If there is just one of you, then a scan-then-pack system is advisable, as you are not blessed with the Octopus arm arrangement. If, however, there are three of you, a mother, a father and a 10 year old video game obsessed son, then a pack-while-scanning method should prevail. Not a STAND AROUND like a TOTAL FUCKWIT while piles of Tesco Value food pile up around you. YOU IGNORANT COCK.

Fourth Error: Your debit/credit card will only be accepted in one direction, as the single scanner equipment is not blessed with X-RAY FUCKING EYES. What makes this more infuriating is that there is a bright and shiny diagram on the screen showing which way to put the card in YOU TOSSPOT. No, sorry, what made it even more infuriating was the 10 year old son trying to grab the card off Dad, having seen the animation. Dad, though, is too proud to let a load of nuts and bolts beat him, so a 5 second operation becomes a laboured 10 minute battle-to-the-death against some of Mr Tesco's finest.

They eventually paid and they fucked off.

The End.

Thursday, August 10

Here is the news....

Over the last day or so, you may have seen (unless you're blind, obv) a bit of a ruckus involving the airports and a bit of terrorism. Now apparently, these Al Qaeda chaps want to blow some of our lovely airliners out of the sky using something called liquid explosive. This is presumably plastic explosive that's been in the microwave for a bit, and then poured into a Thermos flask.

So, now the people who control the passengers in this country have decided that you can only get on a plane with your clothes, shoes (after a thorough x-ray), wallet/purse and a clear plastic carrier bag. Everything else has to go in the hold. Including, it would seem, your kids.

You can take your little baby on board, but you can only take a limited amount of milk, and it must be 'proven to be milk' before you can go to Duty Free. Ah, but you can't buy Duty Free can you? No hand luggage, you see.

Cue some fantastically boring flights to America, where the in flight movie must be a lovey dovey Julia Roberts film - nothing with even an ounce of gunpowder in, or indeed the word "bang". Nobody tapping away at a laptop, no half-heard iPod noise. Just some shit scared passengers doing exactly what the terrorists want them to do. Be afraid.

Simple. Make the security better between the gate and the plane. Even if it takes hours and hours longer. No more dismissive waving of passports, no more half arsed searching of the most suss looking bloke in the queue. Do it properly. People should have the right to do what they like in the plane seat they probably paid an extortionate amount for.

A plane will get blown up over this country, it's unfortunately guaranteed to happen one day. You just can't totally stop a concerted effort at mass-murder like this. Let's just hope the people in charge of airport security have the balls to change things, eh? That would be a lot more deaths to have on their hands.

Wheeeeeee!

Look, a game where you can 'be' a 9/11 terrorist thingy!

Just select a city and go down, as false-haired Miller idol Jon 'Bon' Jovi once said, in a blaze of glory.

Click-o-clickston!

"The Doc's" Question Time

That's right Walleteers, we've asked our resident quack "The Doc", to answer your questions of a sexual, medical, bodily and, er, mindily nature. Question 1 for "The Doc" please?

Dear "The Doc", my partner has trouble releasing her emotions when we are together, and she has turned into a ball of crumpled rage who flies off the handle at the slightest thing, and sex is out of the question. What can I do?

Dave O'Trousers - Liverpool.

"The Doc" says: Sack her off pal, if she ain't taking it up the marmite slipway then she's no use to you is she? Send her round to me and I'll show her what she wants. You don't want some bird stomping round the house while you're trying to watch your vids do ya? It's tough to maintain a rythym when there's noise. It fucks your chakra.

Dear "The Doc", do you believe in herbal medicines?

Patrick Gullible - Newcastle.

"The Doc" says: Rats cocks to that buddy, I only believe in the three B's - Beer, Butts and Buckin'. God I'm rampant. They don't call me Dirty for fuck all you know.

Dear "The Doc", I'm not so well endowed in the trouser department, do you know any way of increasing my pant potential?

Willie Cockensquich - Wallsall.

"The Doc" says: Dunno mate, no such trouble here. It's like a tin of Jif with an apple on top, I tells ya! Try one of those pumps birds use when they're trying to exfoliate milk.

Dear "The Doc", will masturbation make me go blind?

The Right Rev. Hogetski - Dudley Parish Church.

"The Doc"says: Who said that? Only joking pal. Maybe if your spending some quality time with the purple-headed custard chucker every five minutes for a few years, yeah, but not if your wrestling the wookie on a part time basis. Anyway, I'm off to Specsavers.

More from "The Doc" when his shipment of Viagra arrives.

The Doc is not based on anyone we know. Not completely anyway.

The F Word / Big Bro

In our house, when the dog has been a bad, bad boy, we threaten him with the 'Sausage Factory'.
Having watched the F Word last night, he is now (quite literally) shitting himself.

Top notch car crash telly from Ramsay, you couldn't take your eyes off it for a second. The abbatoir workers were surely sourced from The League of Gentlemen, all ruddy cheeks and mad eyes. Ramsay just got progressively greener. The set could have come from any Playstation survival horror, it was just pure mechanical evil.

"It'll be quick and painless," said the slightly twisted abbatoir owner "humane."

Fuck that. He whacked some electrodes on their heads, knocked them out, strung them up and slit their throats in a Kill Bill style orgy of blood letting. Painless? Humane? Not for Ramsay.

The pigs were then boiled to remove their hair, and a few layers of skin. Then came the gutting, and Ramsay did indeed look gutted. He's cooking them next week, but an anti-climax seems on the cards.

Over in the parallel BB universe, we saw the aftermath of the returning housemates.

Glyn scaled the walls to try and get to Nikki and co, but to no avail (I don't think, I was channel hopping) and then realised he couldn't fly, and was stumped as how to get down. The nation held it's breath that he may be killed leaping 20 feet from the roof, but sadly, it wasn't to be.

Got bored with this and watched Sky Sports News for a bit. God, pre-season is slow.

In conclusion - more pig carnage on TV, and more foolish Welsh men dying on the Big Brother lawn. And crack on with the footy, for Christ's sake.

Wednesday, August 9

Big Brother - An Update

NOBODY CARES ANYMORE!

JUST GIVE PETE THE FUCKING MONEY AND BE DONE WITH THIS TEDIOUS CHARADE!

Anyway, off to see how the new/old housemates are settling in, just in case something good happens.

The F Word first though, and apparently they're going to kill some piggies.

More later (or in September, more like).

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