Sunday, April 30

Better than Bob Hoskins

Mario Bros - But Live!

Saturday, April 29

Eurovision Mong Contest

You may, if you have a memory, remember the Eurovision song contest as a pan-European extravaganza to see who had the best nobodies in the continent?

Well, seems not this time chiefs. This time, the viewing public has decided to send someone who makes those nobodies seem much like George Dubya and Tony Bliar.

Check this chiefs - in an attempt to be down with the kids, us Brits are sending this talentless turd to represent the UK in the next contest. Feel free to listen to the song.

Waterloo it ain't.

It's as if they've asked Ricky Gervais to come up with yet another cringe-inducing character to scare the froggies and their monopoly money away - a sort of "If you want us to accept the Euro, then you can have this in return" if you see what I mean.

No doubt though, that it will come second to a man dressed as a woman in the back of a van singing about a radio - a trannie in a trannie singing about a trannie if you will. From Turkey.

It's on 'The Box' now, well maybe not now, but soon. Have a look. You'll larve it.

It's Mine and Joe's Anniversary...

...tomorrow, and she's bought me Guitar Hero for the PS2.

It's the daddy. A night for the boys to practice their axe skills may have to be hastily arranged.

Mint (Nicked - B3ta)

www.myspace.com/directorsthe

Here's more from The Directors who I'm pleased to say will be sporting a Burnley Wallet sponsored shirt at their next gig.

Yep, the Wallet has its own Rock band!!

The Directors.

Friday, April 28

Middlesbrough 4 Steua Bucharest 2

Unbelievable. What a game.

Lets have Ali Brownlee talk us through it. This is simply brilliant.

Click.

So will he won't he?

Come on Big Phil, make your mind up son.

GNSotD: Nintendo Names its console

Nintendo has cheered me right up with this one. It's next games thingy (Pete will know) is going to be called Wii as in Wee as in Piss.

Click

Thursday, April 27

British Whale: England

Justin Hawkins from The Darkness (remember them?) has released a good effort for the World Cup song....

England

With the German National Anthem used for the chorus.

Click away.

All These Nights Out

I'll leave this one till KG is in (very rare these days) so I can combine blurred memories to get a slightly less fuzzy picture of some very drunken nights out.

Plus Boro are in a mega game tonight.

CMON BORO!!!!

GNSotD: Poland's Dumbest Criminals

Ha, love the quote....

"Yes, I stole the bottles. But not this chocolate"

Click.

Wednesday, April 26

All These Nights Out...

Are really exhausting to write up and I get the impression no-one really understands what is happening other than those people who were there. So, coming tomorrow, will be an flashback at the past few weeks, the memorable moments and the really loud singing. We're going as far back as the Thursday before Easter Sunday.

Hold on to your hats!!! You'll find out why that's got another meaning tomorrow!!!

GNSotD: First Indian skis to North Pole

Says, "It's freezing." Talk about stating the bleeding obvious.

Click.

Tuesday, April 25

GNSotD: Chimpanzee Killers!!!

Wildlife fights back. Click.

Monday, April 24

The Directors: Stories of a Real Rock Band

Friends of The Burnley Wallet, The Directors - a five piece band who play regularly in Hull (the worst city in England apparently) have asked me to give you a regular update on their current World Tour......of the North East.

Carl, Bryan, Martin, Chris and Phil have just completed another session, this time in Beverley. I'm not sure of her surname but I think she was satisfied by the boys!

Joking aside, Bryan, the lead guitarist, battled through his wife's illness with some mild persuasion ("So that's why the payout was so small.") and the Directors managed to roll up to the door just in time.

Martin, who "ummed and ahhed" his way up and down the A1 as the gig was almost called off, rolled into town five minutes before set up and the five of them still blew the roof off the place with a hurricane of rock and roll. There may be a name change to The Katrinas at this rate.

I understand Checkout 7 got a rapturous applause as most of the audience had worked in a supermarket at some point.

Next stop: The Sportsman, Hull - May 21st. Be there, even if her indoors is ill!

Tune in soon for more of The Directors and whilst you're at it visit their website here.

Amazing Juggling Finale

Not only does this have unbelievable juggling but he does alongside the Beatles' Abbey Road finale.

Click.

GNSotD: BBC drops Davina's flop chat show

Thank fuck.

Sunday, April 23

St George's Day

Happy St George's Day to you all from the Burnley Wallet. Bring on the Bank Holiday!!

West Ham 1 Boro 0

Well that was pretty heartbreaking. Roll on Thursday at the Riverside.

Friday, April 21

The Urban Pirates

One night before Xmas I think me and KG lent our support to this local band in Stockton...

The Urban Pirates

I must admit though, they were far better live and the two recordings on there sound shocking!!

Should the BW be getting a bit of myspace do we think?

GNSotD: World War 1 Hero Honoured by home town.

109 year old. Top top man. Click.

Happy Birthday

Happy 80th Birthday to the Queen.



Christ I didn't know they'd been going that long.

Thursday, April 20

Steaua 1 Boro 0

Well that was shit.

GNSotD: FA Cup Returned

A bit of football history is being given back to the FA's museum in Preston.

Click

An hopefully Boro will be winning the most up to dat version in couple of weeks time!!

From all at the Wallet: C'MON BORO!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, April 19

Surprise England Squad Inclusion



Highbury tonight.....

Tord: "Sven, I like the grey haired fellow up front, he's lively."

Sven: "He's in."

Eh?

Have you seen this? What a load of cobblers. U2? No chance. Best lyric ever is:

Admit you're wrong, oh, no, not yet
Then you wake up and remember that you can't forget

Pet Shop Boys - Can You Forgive Her?

Know any better?

Fame at Last

Look: click here, then scroll halfway and click Hampster Dance. And you're back here!

It's us! As recommended by the BBC! The BBC!

This is our 15 minutes of fame. Even though it was put on the net in October.

Bond Theme Tune Tribute

"So hows the big Bond bash coming along?"

"We seem to be lacking something, that one thing to make it really special."

"We should get Shirley in."



EASY!! EASY!! EASY!!

Baldwin Interview



"Am I dead? I can't remember."

GNSotD: Depressing Day

Can't find anything to raise a smile. I'm sorry but the news just isn't having it today.....

GNSotD back tomorrow.

Have you got a Good News Story and I don't mean some shit from the Bible that no-one really cares about anymore then send it here; burnleywalletblog@yahoo.co.uk

I'm starting to get pissed off with.......

.......typing the letters to leave comments.

Are you our Chilean Reader?

We'd like to swap some sort of Boro based memorabilia for a Sombrero. A big one. Or a straw donkey. Or Marcelo Salas.

As a sort of "international give us something" agreement.

Cheers.

***Are you an international reader of this page? Swap something with us! It gives us stuff to write about!***

Tuesday, April 18

Weirdo Central

A few weeks ago, I added a 'Sitemeter' doodah to the Wallet. For those of you not of a technical bent, it allows me to see where the people are flocking from, how long they stay and then where they flock off to when they've had enough.

Added to this is an interesting feature, which allows me to see which site they visited immediately before coming to the Wallet. Of course, this is generally Google, but check this out; it tells me what they were searching for as well!

So, here's a list of my favourites:

  • Arm Wrestling in Middlesbrough
  • Cheeta the Clever Chimp
  • Scally Lad Wanking Pictures - (I shit you not.)
  • Pennywell Sunderland School Porn
  • Peter Kay Burnley Wrestling

And many more. Interesting or what? How are people finding us with those search terms? And what sort of people are they? Scally what? Isn't that a spring onion?

I'm a bit scared now. More as they arrive.......

Drums: Follow Up

Sold em: £59.

The Ankle: Update

Loads better now....

Redcar

One week ago, the lardheads gave Redcar a blast and believe me it was a cracker! The introduction of a couple of new pubs have improved it tenfold. It was so long ago and such a wild one that none of us are 100% of the route.

Pete drove the five of us down there. Me, KG, Phil, Chris and himself in the most cramped car ever. I mean we aint winning any slimming awards put it that way.

Rattled through the Plimsoll Line and then got turned away from Blue Lounge (one of the new ones) cos of Pete's trainers. How posh is Redcar getting?!

Then gave Barracuda which has been there for a few months but is still fairly new. Pete then left us to it.

I think we did Elgins next or it may have been Blue Lounge. Actually I think it was Blue Lounge for a quick pint then Elgins. Out came this For Hire sign that Pete had in his car and it got stuck to my head (using chewing gum no less). Talk about loads of attention.

Here's Chris with it on...



We did a round of shots each in here, so 4 each. Phil snorted one through his nose which I think is probably lethal if done wrong!

Got this picture in Elgins bogs which is a sign telling you not to stand when having a shit. It creased me up when I saw it....



After Elgins we were walking up to Marthas Vineyard (the other new one) and bumped into these lasses, one of who (Victoria or Tor) KG and Chris used to live next to. We took her and her mates to Martha's. Pretty smart in here.

Here's Tor and KG...



Then we did Plimsol Line and Blue Lounge again I think, don't quote me on that.

In Blue Lounge it all kicked off when Chris had his mobile nicked but we managed to get it sorted eventually - Phil took him home! Only joking Chris.

In Ye Olde Bookmaker I had me mega fall and did me ankle in. As KG might say: "I can still here the thud!!" as my head whacked off a table. Ouch.

We then did the Deck where I got mistaken for Jack Osbourne by this Canadian fella who was out with a couple of KG's workmates.

Here's me and the family...."SHARON!!!"



But other than that I'm struggling for memoirs of this one. Mebs Phil and KG can help me out a little.

Cracking little night out.

GNSotD: Man trades paper clip for house

Fellow blogger Kyle McDonald has nearly finished his Red Paperclip for a house swapping mission! Took some doing that. Read all about it.

one red paperclip

Saturday, April 15

Why Easter Is Rubbish

I don't know what day it is anymore!

Is it Friday? Or Sunday? No, the footy was on last night so today must be Thursday? But I've been off for two days, so it has to be Monday?

Godforsaken Religious Hols. Grrrr.

Slow Weekend

It's dragging along this Easter weekend isn't it?

I'ts only Saturday, 2pm and I'm bored to tears. Roll on the 16 hour drinking session tomorrow.

Friday, April 14

Good Friday

What's so good about it, eh?

A Bold Prediction

Sunderland will get relegated tonight.

Thursday, April 13

GNSotD (Bless You): Blaine is Back



David Blaine intends to sleep with the fishes — but only for a week, and in full public view.

The 33-year-old magician will perform his latest stunt by living underwater for seven days and nights in a "human aquarium" in front of New York's Lincoln Center.

He will conclude by attempting to hold his breath underwater longer than the record of 8 minutes, 58 seconds.

Blaine's previous feats of endurance include balancing on a small platform for 35 hours and surviving inside a massive block of ice for 61 hours, both of which were performed in New York. In 2003, he fasted for 44 days in a suspended acrylic box over the Thames River in London and had the piss taken out of him by every cockney that walked past. Superb viewing at times.

The "human aquarium", in which Blaine will float, is a specially built 8-foot acrylic sphere. He will receive liquid nutrition through a tube and the water will be kept at a balanced temperature to help keep his core temperature close to 98.6 degrees F.

Passers-by will be able to touch the aquarium, take pictures with Blaine and communicate with him. He will enter the sphere on May 1.

To prepare for the challenge, Blaine trained with U.S. Navy Seals and a world class free-diving team. An inside look at his training will be shown on the ABC special, which is titled, "David Blaine: Drowned Alive."

From all here at the Burnley Wallet: SHAZZAM!!!

Wednesday, April 12

Ronaldinho Explained

Ha, brilliant this!

Are we Hot or Not - The Leaderboard!

It's a fix if Block head or Shrek win, I'm clearly the best looking.

GNSotD: Winnie Made a Star

It's the Good News Story of the Day!!! That's what GNSotD means by the way.



Winnie the Pooh gets Hollywood star

Winnie the Pooh sure does love his honey, but the beloved bear now has something just as sweet: a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

The children's character, created in the 1920s by British author A.A. Milne, was joined Tuesday at the star's unveiling by his Hundred Acre Wood pals Tigger, Eeyore and Rabbit.

Pooh debuted as a cartoon character in the 1966 Disney featurette "Winnie the Pooh and the Honey Tree," and went on to star in dozens of films, specials and several cartoon series.

"I know that Winnie would react to all this fanfare by simply saying, `Oh bother," said Robert Iger, CEO of The Walt Disney Co. "But, Winnie, you really are worth a bother."

What an inspiration.

From all here at the Burnley Wallet: -

WELL DONE WINNIE!!!

Tuesday, April 11

Hot or Not: Mikey

Not. Next.

Click and vote here.

Mikeys Ankle

After a truly memorable fall on Saturday night (I cried in pain, Keith and Phil nearly died laughing) I managed to sprain my ankle. So as a little photo record every couple of days we'll have an update of what the old foot is looking like.

On Saturday night after an epic 45 minute climb up the stairs through a mixture of being absolutely rat arsed and in agony, I had the brainwave of taking a picture of my swollen ankle.

Here we are: -



Tonight after unbandaging myself I discovered these beauties!





And also my toes for some reason....



I know, I've won the award for the most ridiculous post ever. If it gets worse there may even be pictures of my hospital visit!

Are we Hot or Not?

As a little game, I've suggested that we add our photos to the Hot or Not website; here's me anyway.

Surely a 10!

Good News Story of the Day: Cheeta turns 74!!

From now on the Burnley Wallet is going to be bringing you the best feel good story of the day, every day! It's...

The Good News Story of the Day!!



Cheeta the chimp, star of a dozen "Tarzan" movies in the 1930s and 1940s, celebrated his 74th birthday with sugar-free cake.

Although healthy and active, Cheeta is diabetic.

"He had a good time. The party went real good," said keeper Dan Westfall, operator of the primate sanctuary Creative Habitats and Enrichment for Endangered and Threatened Apes - or CHEETA.

Representatives from a Spanish film festival also showed up for Sunday's party to present Cheeta with the first award of his career - an International Comedy Film Festival of Peniscola prize.

Cheeta has been recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records as the world's oldest chimp. Chimps rarely live past the age of 40 in the wild, but can reach 60 in captivity.

The graying, 150-pound Cheeta, one of six primates at the desert sanctuary 110 miles east of Los Angeles, is very active and "he still has every tooth in his head," Westfall said Monday.

Asked about his typical day, Westfall said one of Cheeta's favorite activities is riding around with him in the car. He also likes to paint, what Westfall calls "ape-stract" pieces that are sold to raise money for the nonprofit sanctuary.

Westfall adopted Cheeta in 1992 from his uncle Tony Gentry, an animal trainer who worked in Hollywood and obtained Cheeta from Africa in the 1930s.

Beautiful. From all here at the Burnley Wallet.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHEETA!!!

Two Sisters

These jokes must just get passed round and around and around and around. But still, we love them on the Wallet!



Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599 - no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram & tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive it here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word 'comfortable'."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly. com-for-da-bull".

Irish Sausages



Old I imagine, but still funny.

"Can I have some Irish Sausages please?", asked Paddy.

The Assistant looked at him and asked "Are you Irish?"

"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?

Would Ya? Well, would ya?"

The assistant says, "Well no".

"And", continued Paddy, "if I asked you for some Bourbon Whiskey, would you ask me if I was American?

"What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I Was Danish?!!"

"Well, I probably wouldn't!"

So with self-indignation, the Irishman says,

"Well, all right then! So why ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish Sausages?!"

The Assistant replies, "Because you're in Homebase."

Saturday, April 8

Redcar Here we Come

As a change of pace, a slow night in Redcar beckons for the boys tonight. Our Burnley Wallet's aren't looking so healthy after a bout of all dayers and spending sprees so we're to the place where the sun never stops shining!

Redcar's had a bit of turnaround in the past few months. A massive three, count 'em, three new bars have opened - Barracuda, Blue Lounge and Martha's Vineyard. Sounds promising!

The last time we were there, me KG and Phil actually froze for a few minutes whilst walking down the seafront. Great fun!

Best nights out down there when were when myself and KG had just entered the heady world of employment, had no debts, no responsibilities and if either of us hadn't drank 6 pints of vodka red bull by 9.30 it was considered a quiet one!

I'm hoping to relive some of the glory days once again tonight. Are you with me?! I'll see you down there!!

Redcar here we come.

Friday, April 7

For Sale

Yamaha dd55 Digital Drum Kit

Get your bids out for the lads!!

Are you as loonytune as Keith Moon? Fancy yourself as the next Ringo? Or are you just bald like Phil Collins?

If the answers yes then....

CLICK AND BID NOW!

Oh, and spread the word too!!

Thursday, April 6

Ronnie Barker: Legend

For those of you who don't know Ronnie Barker he was a British comedian who wrote clever sketches always hinting at suggestive near the knuckle humour, but never going blue.

He died aged 76 - the likes of him don't come along very often - more's the pity

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes). Irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds.

Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read .

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince.

"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

Read this earlier and nearly had a heart attack. Gucking fenius.

As it's nearly Easter

Afternoon Chiefs

The more observant Walleteer will notice the odd time of this post. This is because I'm not very well, and I'm having to spend much of the time in the vicinity of a bog. Although, with this time on my hands, I've had time to watch a few films that I've purchased, albeit with several toilet visits in between scenes.

First I watched Porco Rosso, a Japanese animation about a First World War fighter pilot who's been cursed to spend the rest of his life as a pig. Obviously. Anyway, this is simply superb, even though it's meant for kids.

Best Line: "Slice him into bacon!"

Second came My Neighbour Totoro, which is Japanese again, and for kids, but is simply the finest feelgood film you've ever seen. Kids should't be allowed this sort of thing - it's too good.

Best Line: None really, but anything involving the cat-bus is superb.

And last but certainly not least was The Business, starring Danny Dyer, a sort of unrelated sequel to the Football Factory. This comes highly recommended as well, although the ending is somewhat predictable.

Best Line: "Has someone ordered a cunt? Cos one's just arrived!"

Perhaps more tomorrow chiefs. Or I might be better, hopefully.

Tuesday, April 4

Happy 21st Chris




For yesterday!

Is that bad luck?

At Last

e

But will it be any good?

This is meant to be a Simpsons trailer for the forthcoming movie. Seeing as Youtube is making "changes" it isn't showing up at the mo so bear with it. All you see right, is Homer in a Superman vest thing saying something pretty stupid.

Chances are this film will be panned by everybody.

Casino: Thrills and Spills

Friday night saw me and KG join up with his workmates "Casino Club" and Teesside's Gala for a spot of roulette, blackjack and lots of us analysing, theorising and prophesizing the next number to come out.

It was thrilling start for me. Within 5 minutes I'd clocked up £53. There are however big draw backs to winning early. The money burns a hole in your trousers, a quick glance from a pretty dealer, a cheer of a guy who has just won a small fortune and you soon find yourself edging back to the table for one more go.

And I did.

A few hours later and I had lost £100 (including the £53 I won.

Absolutely gutted but still it was a different night out and thoroughly enjoyable.

As for KG well the lucky fella only walked away with £80 in his sky-rocket. The term "shit or bust" was used a lot as well. Even though shit and bust pretty much mean the same thing!!

Anyway, for all you gambling pros out there - just how do you make Roulette profitable?

Monday, April 3

Mortal Kombat - The Outtakes

Some funny shit on here, especially the Rock's "Ah shut your mouth you thong wearing fatty!!" line.

Click.

The Nash

Its that time of year again folks, The Grand National, one of the highlights in the racing calendar. Some people say its a bit of lottery picking the winner, and there probably right. But punters pal, Pauluka (Well known on FMTTM's message board) has posted a tip.

Jack High its currently available at a best priced 16/1 with Corals.

Keep up to date with all the latest Gran Nash betting with Oddschecker.

Now Pauluka, has posted a good 6/7 tips on FMTTM in the last year and only 1 has failed to win. He posted a tip for the 2000 Guineas which runs in May, as SIR PERCY, when he posted his tip it was best priced 40/1, now its best priced 8/1. I've had a nice little wager already on Sir Percy and more will be going on it before the race starts.

So keep it here for all your latest betting tips.

Who do YOU think will win the Grand National? Head over to the Forum and let us know!

Sunday, April 2

How Easter Eggs Should Be

Full sized Creme Egg, with al of the lovely white and yellow gloopy loveliness inside?

Oh yes, and it's on Ebay apparently.

Ber-dooom




























Nicked (natch) from here.

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