Wednesday, March 29

Truly an International Site

Have you seen the ClustrMap chiefs? Readers from all the continents except Africa.

You would have thought they would read it there, judging by the amount of monetary offers we get from those generous Nigerians.

Come on Africa! You must have a PC by now, we've all seen enough Comic Relief!

By the way, who reads the Wallet in Venezuala? Are you that person? Leave us a comment or send us a mail, and we might even send you a prize*!

*Prize may not meet expectations, or even arrive.

Christmas Excitement



I'm sure I've seen Pete react like this in the past!!

Made my day this.

Tuesday, March 28

Copper Jars

How good are these?

I mean there superb, instead of filling ya pockets up with lose change or Shrapnel as I like to call it, chuck it in a "Copper Jar".

Now these jars can quickly fill up, espeically if your out on the piss every week, all I ever save is anything under a £1.

Me jar was overflowing with shrapnel, after last Saturday night, so I cashed it in today. A cool £56.00, in KG's Sky Rocket.

70 odd pence a nigth out aint much, but save them up for a few months, and you have a free night out!

Result!

All dayer in the Boro

After a few texts got exchanged between Me and Mikey on Friday night it was decided that an all dayer was on deffo on the cards for Saturday.

A couple of wind ups back and forth, mainly see in you Lloyds at 9am (it will be done one day by the way) and it was agreed that a 1.30pm start was the order of the day.

Ladbrokes and Lloyds

Our dad dropped us off at the bookies next door to Lloyds, we picked up a Footy coupon and decided our selections over our 1st pint. Mikey went and stuck £20 in the roullette machine and it lasted all of 3 goes. We had decided not to go as crazy on the old betting as we did last week, espeically considering we spent a good £50 each on either Fruit machines, footy bets, horses or the roullette.

But that theory was out of the window in Lloyds, I wins a nice £10 on the fruity, which wouldn't be my last win of the night I tell ya.

So we settle down to a swift 5 pints and watch Jeff Stelling and his cronies on Soccer Saturday.

Phil popped in for a quick pint, and it had to be quick as a new dress code in Lloyds states "No tracksuits", now the lad had just finished work and not only did he have his scruffiest trackies on but they were covered in oil.

Our footy bets didn't materialse to much well nothing to be honest. Wigan let us down on one bet and Leeds and Watford let us down on another.

Barnacles

We left Lloyds once the footy had finished and headed up Linthorpe Rd, the smell of the chippy was just too strong for Mikey. To be fair like he treat us to possibly the finest Chip Butty with gravy splash KG has ever had.

Bookies take 2.

It was pissing down, so we headed for the bookies to take cover, and shell out more wedge on the roullette. "Away Mikey, lets do a tenner each" I said, and result!! I think we walked away a good £30 up each.

Sneaky Mikey, when I was collecting our winnings he decided to whack another £10 in the machine, and not before long he had chalked up £40 plus. Now Mikey feeling guilty offered me some, but the Lardhead went and lost the lot didn't he.

TS1

As per last week, we called in here, getting a bit regular this pub, well two visits in the last two weeks. I think we tried to persuade Phil to come out and join us, but he wasn't having any of it. I even think a half cut Mikey offered to pay for his night!!!

Dickens

Its starting to get a bit blurry now, and it was probably only 8pm. Mikey tells me we played the fruity and "Ed Da Ball" kept ringing him, he eventually flipped and launched into a tyraid of abuse Gordon Ramsay would have been proud of!

Star

Ed Da Ball wouldn't leave Mikey alone so I got her number and rang her a good 3 times all in different accents, 1st time I was John from Scotland, then Paddy from Belfast and finally I was Stone Cold Steve Austin, the poor lass didn't know what hit, God knows what I saying to her, but it involved a lot of swearing!!!!

The Southfield

On the way to the Southfield she rang me back, so I then turned into Simon the Scouser, I was saying I know friends in high places and if she doesn't stop ringing me I'll arrange for her car radio to be nicked!!

Now I've made a fatal error here, as I didn't put that 141 thing in front of her number and she now has my number and rings me every half hour, God knows what she wants I just answer and leave it run up her bill.

Inside the southfield, we played the quiz machine, why? I don't know, we were well on our way now, and came no where near to winning any money. Also we treat ourselves to a couple of Sambuka's each. Incredibly neither of us had spewed so far!!

Lloyds

We decided to go back to Lloyds and bumped into a few familiar faces, including "Moss", I think he was out for his brothers birthday, we ended up having 2 jugs of Vodka Red Bull and 2 shots of After Shock, now I dunno if I'm working up a bit of resistance to these vile shots, but I still hadn't spewed, and neither had Mikey, Unknown territory this a tell ya!

Oz Bar

I think we danced like a couple of Lardheads in here, I definately remember watching this one lass tease us by lifting up her skirt and revealing her frilly knickers. We must have been in here a while I as I think we chalked up 3 drinks. The DJ hit us with some classic tunes like.

Barry

On the way to Barry, I dared Mikey to do the "Larve It" dance, which is sweeping the Soccer Am nation. Its practically the East End Cockney dance with a twist, and you shout out the words:

"We Larvvve it, Larvve it, Larvve it, Larvve it, Larvvve it" REPEAT X10

I have the video on my phone and its well worth watching, I've bluetoothed it to Mikey and I'm just awaiting him to upload it.

Also outside we bumped in to old school mate and fellow Boro fan, who was in Rome, Peter Venis, cue lots of Boro songs.

Inside Barry, Mikey got the drinks in, think he was shattered after his Jig, I was about to drop a pound in the Fruity but so was this stunning lass, so I offered to go quids in with her.
Fuck me I only went and got her the Jacky didn't I? She was lovin it, KG being the kind generous type I am, said she could keep all the winnings, after general pissed up talk, we decided to move on. Not before a kiss off the said stunner!!!

Aruba

We decided to call in here, as it can be quite good sometimes, well it was good for me after I claimed my second Jacky of the night. I bumped back into Moss and couldn't wait to tell him the news!!

Outside Aruba, the photographers from boro bars took mine and mikey's picture, keep checking there site for our pic to appear. God knows what we'll look like!

Secrets

Hey, we aint been in for a while so why not go a get a dance eh? Good old Mikey like a kid in a sweet shop he was. I must have been pissed becasue I ended smoking, this dancer just offered me a tab!!

Chicago Rock Cafe

Oh man, it really is blurry now, I pulled a big fat girl, no change there then, and Mikey pulled a Nanna, he was practically shagging her on the dance floor. Now it was getting pretty late now, gone 3am, and I was dead on my feet, I told Mikey I was calling it a night, and headed for home.

I tried to get out the main doors and there was nigh on a riot goin on, 3 bouncers had to hold the doors shut, cos these 4 blokes were trying to get in. Now the last thing the poor bouncers needed was a pissed up KG, singing "let us out, Let us out, Let us out!!

The bouncers told me kindly to leave via the back door. I responded with "Why havn't you rang the police?" To which they screamed "We have called the police now piss off" Ok time for home, me thinks.

I called in the pizza shop, for a parmo, and Mikey caught up with me, we eventually flagged down a taxi, and stumbled in about 4.15am.

14 and 1/2 hours on the drink, and what a session.

Fucking Brilliant!!!

KG's footy ground tour

I took in The Valley last Thursday for Charlton V Boro in the Q/F of the FA Cup, the match itself was quite forgetable, but it got me thinking.

"Just how many grounds have I chalked up?"

Well to answer my own question, here I go:

1. The Riverside (Boro)
2. Ayresome Park (Boro)
3. Roker Park (Sunderland)
4. Stadium Of Light (Sunderland)
5. St James Park (Newcastle)
6. Elland Road (leeds United)
7. Hillsborough (Sheffield Wednesday)
8. Bootham Crescent (York City)
9. Old Trafford (Manchester United)
10. City of Manchester Stadium (Manchester City)
11. Anfield (Liverpool)
12. Goodison Park (Everton)
13. Prenton Park (Tranmere Rovers)
14. JJB Stadium (Wigan Athletic)
15. Ewood Park (Blackburn Rovers)
16. Deepdale (Preston North End)
17. Pride Park (Derby County)
18. The Hawthorns (West Bromwich Albion)
19. Highfield Road (Coventry City)
20. Carrow Road (Norwich City)
21. Highbury (Arsenal)
22. The Valley (Chalrton Athletic)
23. Wembley
24. Millennium Stadium
25. Stadio Olympico (Roma)

So 25 eh? Not a bad tally, and I'm sure I'll add to the total in the up and coming years to come.

No More Fags

Do you have a friend, colleague or loved one who just can't give up the baccy?

Do they smoke 60 a day with no remose for themselves or others?

Are they up in arms about this apparent public smoking ban?

Well get them to read this*.

And they shall see sense.

*From Stuart Campbell's excellent 'World of Stuart" website. Go there, now.

One Billion Page Views

One Billion Page Views - half a mill in 66 days. Not bad going like is it?!

Well done that man.

Classic Nintendo Games

Click for a load of free Nintendo games. Some crackers on here!

Monday, March 27

I didn't know what to put

But a prize for the best effort!

See my first one here!

Quality Day/Night in the Boro

What is now two Saturdays ago (getting lax on these night out reviews!), myself and KG decided to go all out and go wild in the Boro. I am glad to say we did. It was such a good one that myself and KG did exactly the same thing this Saturday just gone!

We started Ladbrokes for a quick gamble. I managed to lose £40 in as many seconds. Stuck a big football accumulator on as well so we could watch Soccer Saturday in Lloyds.

Lloyds

After bigging up Jeff Stelling amongst ourselves as the man is a bonafide legend. More on him later the scores rolled in and the lagers flowed. The Boro match went back and forth, and all our picks were going well. In fact they were all on we just needed reading to score. The minutes ticked by and the goal never came. Final whistle and that was that. I have to say being in a pub with a huge bet on really does add so much more to a Saturday afternoon.

We went back to Ladbrokes to try and win some money back and there was this fella on the Roulette machine. He had £4000 in his bank. "COLLECT!" but no, this fella had the nerve to take it up to £6000. Unbelievable.

Move up Linthorpe Road to TS1 where we managed to knock on the window to get loads of people to give us a wave, this one woman even came in and started talking to us! Stupid splitarse!

Quickly rattled through The Dickens Inn, Star and Garter, Southfield and The Tavern. Chris and Alex joined us in The Dickens. After these 4 then hopped in a taxi to Yates.

I am really struggling to remember anything that happened in those 4 pubs other than I got a taxi on my own round to the Tavern and we hammered quite a few shots in the Southfield. I think KG spewed in the Southfield as well just for the record!

Yates

I think there may have been some dancing from all of us.

Walkabout

I think there was definite dancing in here and he played a few good songs. The sort of dancing where a load of you get in a cricle and leap up and down and go round in a circle very fast.

Barracuda

KG attempted to set me on fire in here so we had a bit of a scrap. I tghink I was declared the winner after forcefeeding KG a vodka jelly! I'm sat drinking my vodka red bull or whatever it was and I just feels this sharp pain in my arm. I looks down and my sleeve was alight!! Scary shit!

Vienna

Phil and Kathryn joined us in here but not after ebign abused by us whilst they waited in the queue (which is next to the windows).

Lava/Ignite

Met up with Pete, Jo, Charlotte, Ste and Claire in here and I had a mega dance with Phil and kathryn. I managed to fall off this little stage thing they have in the middle of the dance floor. And there was so much "ooa ooa" it could have been 2001 for a minute.

Chicago Rock Cafe

Me and KG gave good old CRC a visit and as I recall it wasn't very good! No surprise there. I am pleased to say though it was awesome this week just gone.

Overall a superb day, lots of booze, lots of laughs one cracking way to spend your Saturday! Highly recommend it.

Sunday, March 26

The BW Beer Monster Index (BMI) 2006

Both us, the chiefs off the Wallet, and our buddies, like a few drinks now and then. But who can handle their beer the best? Let's have a look:

10. "Disco" Dale Miller: Probably the most kids belly-est of the lot of us. Will quite happily stumble out of cars after a massive 4 pints of John Smiths Smooth, which as we know is used to keep old people from being too serious. Comedy shirts often add to drunken confusion.

9. Chris "Rocky" Groves: Hugely aggressive after one pint. Falls asleep after second. Poor showing from a Groves.

8. Stevie "Big Nose" Murks: Drinks it like there's no tomorrow but turns into a gibbering wreck at about the 5-6 pint mark. Doesn't throw, but looks fucking awful.

7. Phil "Turtlehead" Appleby: Unknown quantity. Can he drink? We don't know. Only seen him pissed twice, once on his 21st and then almost ruining a lovely Ormesby garden next to the Fountain. Drinks lasses drinks, so who knows?

6. Mike "Mike" Heaney: Drinks vast amounts but is incapable of returning home until having spewed. Massive session in the town? Blerrgghh. Tiny few pints for 90 year old woman over the road? Blerrrggghh. Walked past Netto with sign in window for 8 Carling? Blerrggghh. Would be serious contender if he could cut his vom-rate. Every so often though produces a drink fest even larger then KG.

5. Russell "Ruzz" Miller: Huge frame belies poor drinking ability. Tends to get a bit aggressive after drinks, or simply falls asleep. Often found knocking out awful dance moves after the 7 pint mark: even in snooker clubs.

4. "Dirty" Richard Young: Astonishing doubles to pints rate, but makes infrequent appearances on the scene. Often drives. Doesn't fall over though. Girlfriend supplies the peanuts.

3. Pete "Tong" Heaney: Not what he used to be by any means, but showed great skills during the legendary sambucca-thon in Yarm and wouldn't wobble during the Notts Trip, despite horrible drinkage. Appearances in the Cricket all dayers (M'bro/Manchester) and the only one drinking on the way back from Notts - this lad has some talent left, but lack of interest and money let him down.

2. David "Totsy" Thompson: Huge reputation in South Bank. Once appeared for footy having sunk 6 pints. Went for a 7th between games. Only lack of appearances let him down. Also, will drink absolutely anything. Including a dead spider and some belly-button fluff. Apparently.

1. Keith "KG" Groves: Ever present, and the daddy of drinkers. Thinks nothing of 10 pints, then a parmo. Barrel like physique helps, mind. Looks unassailable at the present moment. Got over his youthful vom sessions in Redcar and will always be where the beer is. Could struggle head to head with Totsy though.

Agree? Disagree? Let us know in the Forum!

Friday, March 24

Planet Earth

How good is this programme?

The finest wildlife programme to ever grace our TV screens. One beautiful hour of sheer magic flitting from place to place on Earth captured so lovingly that by the time you've picked your jaw up, it's next Sunday and the next episode is beginning.

We've seen Elephants larking about in Africa, Giant Great White Sharks leaping right out of the water with a seal in the grasp, otters standing up against crocodiles, piranhas stripping a fish down to the bone, the snow leopard hunting in the mountains to name but a few of the incredible moments.

And David Attenbrough makes it even better.

"This young elephant follows the footsteps of its mother........sadly though...the wrong way."

You can even hear amazement in his voice such are the images on the screen.

I don't know about you but I just can't get enough of it.

Here's the BBC's site where you can find some awesome stuff.

Click.

Wednesday, March 22

SUBMIT!!!

Did you know you can submit a link to the Burnley Wallet? If it's any good we'll have it grace the hallowed pages with full recognition of course!

E-mail us at burnleywalletblog@yahoo.co.uk

Double Vodka and Coke Please

Been to the Garrick in Stockton recently?

Might want to check with the Doc if everythings ok if you were on the Vodka.

Click.

The Budget



So what does Gordon Brown's tenth budget mean to you?

Fags, more expensive.

Booze, more expensive.

Champagne - prices frozen for the World Cup apparently.

Cars - if you drive the kind of thing that looks like it has two engines and spends half of its life in a petrol station then bad news for you.

If you drive a AA battery powered Punto like me then you might save some cash.

There's loads more stuff that doesn't really affect me so that's it basically. Cheers everyone.

The Grey Video

Dunno if I've posted this before, so fuck it, here it is again.

Clicky!

Beatles vs Jay-Z video, from the Grey Album (Beatles White album vs Jay-Z's Black album, natch).

Tuesday, March 21

Dream Team Standings

Things go from strength to strength for a now dominating KG, as he opens up a healthy 121 point lead.

As long as Henry, Gerrard and Stelios stay fit I have surely got this in the bag!!

Mikey

1. Fridel 110
2. McCartney -5
3. Naysmith 3
4. Upson 52
5. A Ferdinand 74
6. Reid11
7. Lampard 220
8. Downing 35
9. Geremi 26
10. Rooney 206
11. Van Nistelrooy 167

Total 899


KG:

1. Martyn 66
2. Mellberg 55
3. Spector 0
4. Knight 11
5. Queudrue 87
6. Rommedahl 38
7. Stelios 156
8. Gerrard 250
9. Henry 224
10. Defoe 88
11. Forsell 45

Total 1020


Pete:

1. Jaaskelainen 127
2. Samuel 16
3. Queudrue 87
4. Clement 29
5. Spector 0
6. Pires 111
7. Robben 114
8. Okocha 50
9. Arca 49
10. Van Nistelrooy 167
11. Drogba 71

Total 821

Monday, March 20

A Night at the Dogs




After months of planning, well a few days, we finally managed to clobber 12 of us together for a good old fashioned knees up at Sunderland Dogs. In fact, there was 12 of us but then on Saturday afternoon (11th March) my Mam's two sisters and niece turned up out of the blue. So after an hours pissing about running up my mobile bill to sort out new tickets and bigger coaches plus finding somewhere to kip for the night, the 15 of us met at Whale Social Club to set sail!

Barely two mins after KG arrived the enquiry of "Are we allowed booze on the bus?" came up. So round the corner to the Newsagent where our Mam works where we wound up the staff in there and bought some tinnies in. 24 Fosters. Not sure what everyone else was drinking though!
After what felt like an epic journey up there we managed to get lost but thanks to Phil's driving know how and a bit of luck we managed to get on the right track.

After some frantic arranging and the phone calls earlier on I was bit wary of a massive cock up along the lines of "Nope, we received no extra booking!" but thankfully everything was sound and we were on our way up to the stand to gamble our lives away.

At least I thought we were. It was absolutely packed the place and it was a fast and furious affair. There was a race every 15 minutes or so and you had hardly any time to get a drink, go to the toilet or pick your next dog.

So finally with bets on and we're underway. KG managed to win the first four races in a row which was some achievement, which I managed to match later on. I walked away £5 up and the Merkins managed about £60ish I think.

The booze and grub was pretty good too and not massively expensive. We we're running in and out to put our bets on and I think everyone after about 2 or three races had got the gist and their routine down pat.

I had a cracking night and what topped it off was when everyone joined for a good old sing song to me mam. A huge Happy Birthday was sung by the gang and a few group photos were took. Then then it was time for off.

Me, KG and Andrea, me and Pierre's cousin jumped out in town to go to Lava/Ignite which is far too hardcore for an old guy like me so we tried Chicago Rock which was so full even the grannies weren't enjoying it.

Grabbed a taxi and tortured poor Andrea with some Wiltshire speak as you do and then I somehow ended up at KG's house where I'd agreed to kip on the setee.

With and KG being pretty tanked up we rang numerous people and left some belting voicemails. All for fun of course!!

Overall a cracking night out and I think the majority enjoyed it. I'm not sure if the tune 'Happy Birthday' was modern enough for Pete's tastes but I think even he was pleased.

For photos of the night and the night before at the Whale Hill Club click here.

Prison vs. Work




vs.




In Prison

You spend the majority of your time in an 8 x 10 cell.

At Work

You spend most of your time in a 6 x 8 cubicle.

In Prison

You get three meals a day (free).

At Work

You only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it yourself.

In Prison

You get time off for good behavior.

At Work

You get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK.

In Prison

A guard locks and unlocks the doors for you.

At Work

You must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors yourself.

In Prison

You can watch TV and play games.

At Work

You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In Prison

You get your own toilet.

At Work

You have to share.

In Prison

They allow your family and friends to visit.

At Work

You can not even speak to your family and friends.

In Prison

All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.

At Work

You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In Prison

You spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside wanting to get out.

At Work

You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

So, does anyone fancy beginning a lifetime of crime? The eventual outcome appears much better than the shite we have to put up with at the minute.

Sunday, March 19

Little Man Tate

Have a look at this, and download some of the songs - pretty damn awesome.

Sort of like a non scouse Coral, with a bit of Franz Ferdinand in there as well.

Oh, and they're on in Boro on the 1st of April. But I can't go, as I hate the town. Grrrrr.

Why Middlesbrough is Shit

Hey chiefs, do you remember this?

I do. Partly because I typed it, but mostly because of the

TOWN IS OFF THE MENU
styled message. I fully intended never to set foot into another Middlesbrough based licensed premises. But last night, dear readers, I did.

After a very enjoyable night bowling and what not, we trekked to the town to partake in it's only remaining bastion of decency, Lava, or indeed, Ignite.

And it was fucking awful. It's soul had been stripped away, presumably because the penny pinchers think that the Pussycat Dolls are more dancey than Faithless, that piano based house is old hat, and that the school discos playing Aguilera and Pink were right all along. Nonsense.

As we arrived, the DJ was playing 90's dance songs. Ok you might think, no probs there chief? But no, they were really slow dance songs - you can't dance to Gypsy Woman unless you've been swallowing Tamazepan all night. This was swiftly replaced by cheesey hip hop, R, and no less B.

No. This is not the way forward. 'Beep' by the Fussytwat Dolls is not a good song. No matter how you listen to it, or where you put it. It stinks like a 3 day old filled nappy.

So the town has been robbed of it's only reasonable place to go after hours. I don't know what to do. Go somewhere else? Same music, same chain pubs, same place by all ways and means. Don't go? What, cut my nose off to spite my face - I need to go out sometime. Just like it? Oooh, yeah, but only after my lobotomy. Duurrrhh.

Ah well chiefs, I'm stopping in this week, with some cans and my MP3 player for company (and the missus, natch). Why do I fancy that I'll enjoy it more?

Friday, March 17

Some more Photos

From the 60th birthday Weekend.

Beat the Maze

This young man has played our latest game before!!!

Click

I've read something where this totally fucked him up and he couldn't sleep for months and is on all sorts of pills and stuff!

Steady Hand?

Can you complete all 10 levels withut going out the lines?

Maze Game

Thursday, March 16

Boro V Roma Vids

Here's a couple of Video's stolen from FMTTM, but well worth it.

Video 1

video2

Rome

Quite simply - UNREAL!!!

In my times as a Boro fan, I've had some high's and lows, but this was up there alongside Cardiff. Here's my rundown of what I got up to.

Airport

Taxi arrived at our house at 7am, and we started our trek to the Eternal City, we gets checked in the airport, and just had to wait until we boarded the plane. A couple of Boro players, Viduka, Ugo, Super Lee Cattermole and Andrew Davies walked by us. We eventually boarded the plane at 9.50am, and it then took off at 10.15.

Rome Airport

We landed and then bumped into Gary (Clairsey Merk's Brother) who was stopping in the same hotel as us. We jumped on the coach which then took us to our hotel.

Rome Roads

The phrase "Fucking Hell" must have been muttered a good 40 times during our 20 minute journey to the hotel, those Italians just don't give a shit, its like whacky races, every one for themselves.

Centre 2 Hotel

Just a basic hotel, very clean like, will do for me. We got a quick shower, got changed then straight out. It was about 3.30 now. Time for some BEER!!

Searching for a boozer

Was a complete nightmare, Rome don't do pubs, lots of tiny little cafe bar things but no pubs. After a good hour wandering around Rome, we stumbles across an Irish pub, right that'll do me. So we sat down to a couple of pints and watched the world go by.

Pizza Time

Ya can't go to Rome and not get a pizza can ya? A mean its like coming to Boro and not getting a Parmo, its just rude. So we finds this pizza restaurant place the barmaid suggested, and to be fair they do do cracking pizzas!! Quite expensive in here like 6 Euro's for a pint of Harp!!

In here a lad from work text me to say he was in a pub called the Drunken ship. He gave us directions, so we hopped on a bus, avoiding paying anything and went to meet him.

Drunken ship

Absolute quality in here, full of Boro fans, and it wasn't long until the singing started. I sampled a few pints of Perroni but after 4 the caramal taste starts to get a bit too much so stick to what ya know best Corona!! The atmosphere was superb now, more and more Boro fans arrived and the drinking spilled onto the streets. The pub we were in was in a square, and this pub was in one of the corners and outside the pub there was this fountain, and it didn't take long before one drunken lardhead decided to take a dip. and it only takes one, then there's another one, then another one. In the end about 15 people ended up shivering once they jumped back out.

Opposite our pub was like another one of those Cafe Bars, which had Italians drinking outside, now I don't know if they took offence to our singing and jumping in there fountain, cos shortly after it kicked off BIG STYLE.

The pub only had one toilet and the queue for it was unreal, so people were just going down an alley, so off I went to have a piss. Whilst I was down there I heard this almighty Bang, I finished me piss and saw these women and kids running down the alley, so I walked back up the alley to where we were when a firework/flare was chucked at us. The Boro fans retaliated by chucking tables and chairs back at the Italians. Italians on mopeheads, with knifes then started slashing Boro fans. 3 people were stabbed in total. The riot police then turned up, who decided to just whack anyone English, the Italians done one as soon as the Police turned up.

One lad who got stabbed was in our hotel and I was talking to him yesterday, he said he realised he'd been stabbed and went up to a copper to ask for help, and was met with a batton whacked across his back. He lifted his top up to reveal a huge bruise across his back.

Talking again to people the next day, they said they saw Beer barrel's getting chucked in the pub, and crazy italians wielding axes. Mental!

Once it had calmed down a bit, the bars were all ordered to shut, so we headed back to our hotel.

Fucking Crazy!!

We decided to walk in the opposite direction to the police, and finally found a taxi, not before this incident. We were asking people if they knew where the "Termini" was (Train station) and this one busker in her best Irish accent goes "yeah give us one second I'll just finish this song" So me and Rob chuck 1 Euro each in the bucket, and we even joined in the song. As soon as she finsished, she goes "noa speaka Ingless" Fucking split arse!!

In the taxi, we probs got ripped off 20 euro's for a 3 min journey, but we paid it anyway. The driver couldn't speak any English, so I go "Lazio?" he's like "si si, Gazza Gazza" I kindly reminded our driver of "Boro 2-0 Lazio". We got dropped off not before giving him a rendition of EIO once we got out!!

We got back in about 1am, then it was straight off to noddy land.

Worst Brekkie Ever!

We woke up about 7.45am, not feeling to bad, I think all the kicking off sobered us up. So after a shower we went to breakfast, it was self service, I looked up to see what was only breadbuns, I asked the waitress "where was el eggs and el bacono" to which she rattled off a load of italian speal, probs "Leave the bacon and eggs alone ya fat twat". So anyway for me breakast I had 2 breadbuns, Ah well!

Collessium

I thought we gotta do something, whilst in Rome other than get tanked up so we thought the best place to see was the Collessium, to be honest it looked old and a bit tatty!!

Seriously what a sight, its huge and just looks awesome.

Around the collessium they have these like refreshment vans, I asked for a can of coke, 5 Euro's the robbing get charged me, 5 Euro, about £3.50 for a can of coke.

Opposite the collessium we entered this shop to ask for directions to the Villa Borghese (A giant park where the Boro fans where supposed to be meeting), I walked in and I actually asked for an "El Mapo" to which she replied with "Come in lads, we have these for 5 Euro's or these for 3" she was only frigging English wasn't she. I felt like a right dick, and she told me my Italian was Shocking!!

Fair play to the lass like, she pointed us in the right direction and told us to jump either on a bus or the metro, and everything will be signposted.

Wandering

We saw some of the other sights, along the way to Villa Borghese, before we finally found it, however there were very few Boro fans milling about but we stood and talked to them for a bit, one group even gave us a bottle of Carlsberg each.

After about an hour we decided to try and find the "Drunken Ship" again and see what damage had been caused from the night before's activities.

Drunken Ship

Was shut, apparantly there was now a booze ban in Rome city centre, however we found a little cafe bar and the bloke in there served us a pint alright, mind you I think you had to have some food with your drink.

Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

What a sight this is, we found it by pure accident, but I'm so glad we did. Think Middlesbrough Town Hall then times it by 10 for the sheer size of it. I don't really know why its there and what the building used for, but it must have 12 massive statues around it, with armed guards guarding what I presume is the Tomb. There's around 50 steps leading up to it, all marble floor and these steps are sacred, your not allowed to stop, sit, litter, lay, have a wank or anything on these steps, so what do these stupid Chink tourists do, decide to rest there weary legs and sit down, the armed police were straight over and removed them.

Graffitti and genral scruffyness

No not daft Wob, but Rome itself, other than the fantastic monuments, fountains, statues and other touristee bits, the place is a shit hole, I have never seen so much graffiti in all my life, I shit you not, this what looked like a council worker, was painting graffiti on this wall opposite the Collessium, we couldn't believe it.

There are so many beggars it beggars belief, hundreads of them, all over the place who hound you with there outstretched hands begging for money. "Get a job ya scruffy Cunt", was what I told one lardhead.

The Rome people too are ignorant, and are only pleased to help you when your giving them your money. However fair play to one bloke, who was working on a street stall selling general Rome souvenirs, when I walked up to him he stopped me and shook my hand and goes "Middlesbrough"(in a very strong Italian accent) and started waving his hands in the air.

Journey to Stadio Olympico

We all had to meet back up at the hotel for 6pm, to be escorted by the police to the ground. Our driver had to meet all the other coaches at the Vialla Borghese park, where we were met by hundreads of other coaches full of Boro fans. The escort by the police was unbelievable, a police van inbetween every coach, plus Police motorbikes blocking all the roads. We were the 4th coach to arrive at the ground so one of the first to get inside the ground.

The Main Event - AS Roma Vs The Boro

We got inside the ground a good hour an half before kick off, but what a sight it was from the away end. The atmosphere started to build as the away end filled up. I met up with Ste Rushby, Carl and Tucky before the match kicked off.

As everyone knows now Boro got beat 2-1 on the night but went thru on the old away goals rule.

When Jimmy scored to put Boro 1 nil up, that moment, rush, and felling will live with me for the rest of my life.

I don't know if it showed you on the telly, but the Roma fans decided to run up against the persplex barrier separating the fans before the Riot police came storming in, to get them back. Boro fans came back with the loudest "Who the fucking hell are you" chant I've ever heard.

After the goal it was backs against the wall, Schwarzer pulling off some brilliant saves, they eventually equalised, and took the lead thru a dodgy penalty. The 4 mins of injury time felt like 4 hours but the celebrating started once the ref blew his whistle.

That was it Boro victorious over Roma. Who would have thought it eh?

We were then held back for almost 2 hours after the match but we didn't care, we just kept singing. We eventually left the ground at 12.35am, jumped on our coach to take us to the airport.

Once in the airport we were met with even more riot police, what exactly they thought was going to happen at 2am in the morning was beyond me.

Anyway the flight home, got us back at Teesside about 5.30am.

An absolutey BRILLIANT trip!

Flight - £289
Passport - £77
Beer - £140
The Boro victorious in Rome - Priceless

Wednesday, March 15

Mam's 60th - A night on the booze



Margaret Heaney (Peter and my mother) turned 60 on Friday, God love her, so we went to the New Whale Hill Social Club to celebrate. Don't we know how to live it up!!

It was pretty good actually, a good crack had by all.

We were joined by Jo, Phil and Kathryn and KG too. Rumour has it this is also the title of the sequel to Rita, Sue and Bob Too.

So a few pints in and up starts the bingo. I got through the first few rounds relatively easy but as more booze flowed the slightest glimpse of KG's upturned eyebrows was sending me into laughter. This being the most serious sport in the world, laughter is punishable by death.

Having somewhat of a comic connection to KG we're usually thinking of the same gag at the same time, so when 6 and 9 came out another raised eyebrow set me off again.

What I wasn't expecting when I looked up again was a full on David Brent "Mr Toad" double chin impression that forced me to leave the club sweating in laughter!!!

Absolutely classic immature stuff. You can't beat it.

I settled down eventually and we had a few more drinks whilst watching the half decent duo that were on singing a couple of classic tunes.

Weirdly, midway through their version of Elvis' Suspiscious Minds I visited the toilet and was whistling away when this total stranger starts talking about his wifes vinyl collection of Elvis records.

"Orr yeah mate they must be worth a fortune!"

It got to about 10.30ish and me, KG, Phil and Kathryn went to Middlesbrough via a taxi with Ste Merkins brother.

Vienna was first which played a few decent dance tunes of old and then we went to Gilzeans which was full of Middlesbroughs next generation of hard nuts. One of them seemed to not like KG at all and was reall eyeing him up for a fight then followed him into the toilets. KG won't admit how he got him to leave him alone but I think we all know!

Then we took in the delights of Chicago Rock for a bit then went home.

Not a bad little night out.

Monday, March 13

Two more Red Bulls please!!

Just a quick run down of events from two Saturdays ago as I have forgotten a lot of it!

Me, Keith and Phil hit the town last Saturday (4th) and quickly rattled through The Dickens, Star, Southfield and for a change, TS1.

A ticklish taxi driver (who got tickled to death!) then took us round to...

Lloyds

Where we were joined by Kathryn, Chris and Alex. hammered 6 jugs of Vodka Red Bull and a couple of aftershocks as well....

Here's a photo of Phil and Keith with their tongues out for more....




And here's one of a worse for wear looking KG with Kathryn.




Yates

We went on to next door. If memory serves me correctly we were all dancing a bit in here. I found a scarf which Chris quickly snaffled and used for dancing purposes!

Hogshead

Next on the list was Hogshead. Highlight in here was being dressed up in the bogs to look a bit like a mummy. I then walks downstairs to a mixed reception. Half the pub laughed (us 6). The other 6 sort of looked on dissapointingly. Yes, it was that full.

Barracuda

Think we went in here for a quick bottle.

Vienna

Loads of ridiculous dancing and plenty of booze in here.

And more of the same in Chicago Rock Cafe which is, it has to be said pretty fucking wank these days!

Sunday, March 12

Incredible

Very possibly the finest televised sport ever!

Clicky!

Friday, March 10

Chuck Norris

I'm sure you will have seen the Chuck Norris facts doing the rounds on the net. Here's the man himself reading them off!!

Thursday, March 9

13,000

Huge thanks to all of you 13,000 people that have come to the Burnley Wallet since the summer of 2004.

By the looks of the Clustrmap Pete has added we get some right Johnny Foreigners looking at these hallowed pages.

The big target is for a huge 25,000 by year end so spread the word!!

Tuesday, March 7

Einstein



Make your own Einstein thingy here.

Monday, March 6

Boing Boing

And they say the Japanese are barmy? No, not on this evidence:

Real Life Simpsons

It's a biggy but it's worth the wait, even for you ferrets who have 56k modems.

It's the Simpsons, but like, real...........

With thanks to HolyMoly.co.uk

Sunday, March 5

Awesome Goal

4 / 3 / 3.5-a-side Footy - The ratings!

A small twist to the ratings this week chiefs, as your performance will have you compared to a real player, plus your mark out of ten.

So:

KG - Must try harder. And did! Still lacks an engine though, perhpas he could buy one from eBay? 5. If he was real he'd be: Alan Smith - the Arsenal one.

Phil - Still torn between football and breakdancing, but gets stuck in. Scored a few after sussing the rules out. 6. If he was real he'd be: Diego Forlan

Moss - Was just Moss. Or indeed, Mozz? Tired in the last few minutes, but that was to be expected due to recent recovery from Avian Influenza. 6. If he was real he'd be: Lothar Mattheus - but the Euro 200 one, where his legs had give up.

Stevie Big Nose - Arrrggghh! Just shoot will ya! Stop trying to score the perfect goal! 7. If he was real he'd be: Teddy Sheringham - Man Utd 99 version.

vs

Dale Miller - Full of running, but some awful finishing. 9. If he was real he'd be: Fabio Rochemback.

Ruzz - More of the same, but with more goals. 9. If he was real he'd be: Frank Lampard.

Me - Couldn't breathe until about 25 mins in. Got me second wind though, and turned into a box-to-box genius. Magnifique. 10 (Star man - well if no one else will type it up?). If he was real he'd be: Worth a billion quid. Or the Barca front line rolled into one.

Mike - Retired injured after brave defensive header in the first minute cost him his sight. Still better than KG though. 6. If he was real he'd be: Gordon Banks, of course.

So it was 3 vs 4 for an hour, with the 3 having 'rush' keeper, or 'ruzh' keeper, and the 4 could only score inside our box (ooh-er missus).

At the whistle, it was:

Pete, Ruzz and Dale - 20 vs 17 - Big Nose, Mozz, Phil and KG

Saturday, March 4

The BW Forum



Tom Baker: It's ten past orange at the Internet Cafe. I wonder if they'll do Alphabites with those megabytes.

"So Andy, what do you want to do today?"

"I wanna go on the forum."

"But Andy, you need to register, it'll be a right kerfuffle."

"Yer I know."

"Oh wait a minute, it seems very easy to register. But Andy, do you remember that time when you said that Burnley Wallet stood for everything that was wrong with society in the modern age."

"Yeah, yeah yeah."

"So do you want to go on the Forum?"

"What forum?"

"THE BW FORUM!!!"

"Yer I know."

"Okay but once we're on we'll have to reply to all those interesting polls and posts those men post."

"Yeah. I know."

After registration......

"I don't like it!"

BUT DEAR READERS: YOU WILL!!!

Take a look and join in the fun here.

Keyboard Update

On a more positive note I am pleased to inform you that my Yamaha PSR275 keyboard is....

SOLD!!!

For £82 plus £10 postage and packing.

Woohooo!!

Glasses aka Making a Spectacle of Yourself

I've done some sighing in my time but maybe not as much as this morning.

You see, last night at football (report coming later) a rogue shot from one Mr Steven Big Nose Murkin managed to blast full on in the head and send my glasses into the depths of hell. Out came a lense, snap went a wire and bend went a frame.

So, following an hour of blurriness where I seem to recall watching the badminton for five minutes before realising the five a side was on the other side of the hall; I endured a ride home whilst I had the piss taken out of me faster than a dialysis machine. It isn't fun I can tell you.

Which is why I want to complain about glasses, specs, geggs, jam jars and anything else you might want to call them.

You see they might help me see things but they are many things they don't do. They can't mend themselves, they don't think of how I get to the nearest opticians, they don't realise that it's a right fuck about when they break do they? No. They almost laugh at you whilst you hand them over for some loving from a "fully qualified" member of the Vision Express team.

This morning though, I got to Vision Express and had them fixed in less than half hour. Great service I am sure you will agree. However, when I put them on and left I thought I had best take a closer look. Thank God I did as it appears the frame is now separating and coming away from the lense. Oh great.

To say I am a little pissed off about it is a bit of an understatement. How can the fully qualified repairer/optometrist not have even seen it when he was 'just popping' the lense back in? Perhaps he should take a look at this own glasses whilst he is there.

So, I am now sat at home with a pair fo wrecked glases perched on my face waiting for the slightest knock to send them over the edge, again.

Wednesday is when my new frames arrive. Hurrah. Let me waste some precious flexi time sorting my glasses out when I could be down the pub. As I said before, they just don't think things through these glasses. They do in fact make a spectacle of themselves!

Roll on next Wednesday.

"Sigh!!"

Thursday, March 2

By far and away........

The funniest games site in the world.

UK Resistance

(Warning: may contain rude words and may get you sacked. You've been told.)

Virtual Earth Technology Preview

Windows Live Local - Virtual Earth Technology Preview

Just, wow!!

I've had this idea before though.

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