Tuesday, February 28

Football - The Ratings

Mike wouldn't give any marks out of 10, for fear of reprisals. But I will..........

Mike: Looked rusty from the start, his usual tireless engine misfiring a bit late on. He'll be back for more though, and did a lot of the running for his team. 7

KG: Must try harder. No, really. 5

Dirty Rich: 10/10 for the first five mins. Totally anonymous after that, barring a shot which slipped through Stevie's hands. 6

Phil: Plays like he's brought someone elses legs, but is always at the heart of the action, and somehow never gives the ball away. 7

Dale: Didn't live up to the hype, and failed to drag his team forward at times. Best off in goal. 6

vs

Pete: I was knackered but I think I did alright, and scored quite a few, and hit both posts. 8

Ste: Undoubted quality, ball retention and passing is second to none. Marks off for huge nose though. 9 (Star Man)

Moss: Not his usual self, but came to life (literally) when the ball came his way. 6

Russ: Doesn't defend, but wasn't really hassled against poor opposition. Could cover the pitch in two strides. 8

Chris: Did the dirty stuff well and got forward when he could. Always an outlet. 7

Football Revisited

Phil, Mikey, KG, Dale and Dirty Ricardo

vs

Pete, Russell, Chris, Stevie and Moss

Friday evening saw the three Walleteers joined by 7 of their finest friends for a game of intense rivalry, passion and violence.

That's right readers. Five a side was back!

Five minutes in and I was coughing up phlegm, Chris was choking for air, Moss allegedly had Bird Flu and Phil was working out which foot did what.

The two Miller boys - Dale and Russell (who combined weigh less than me, and most insects) - ran the show with their tireless running setting up great goals for Pete who chipped in with a couple of cool collected finishes.

Moss managed to have a heart attack/elbow to the chest and spent 20 miutes clutching his chest on the sidelines. Can I just ask why no one asked him till about 15 minutes later if he was alright!? That's how intense it was!

I managed to hit the post and hit a shot straight at Stevie missing my chance to get on the scoresheet and KG really needs to try harder.

All in all a fair old match up which saw me and KG's side get throughly beaten!

Things will be different this Friday.

Coming Soon - To a BW Near You

Well chiefs, we've got a few things planned for the future:

  • A Burnley Wallet day at the beach
  • The BW BBQ
  • Liverpool
  • Some proper BW challenges (with video, natch)
  • The BW darts championship
  • ....and much more besides!

Keep it here chiefs, you know you want to!

Chicago Rock and Why It's Rubbish

Last Saturday, after a highly enjoyable and profitable jaunt to Gala Casino, we found ourselves embedded in the mire that is Middlesbrough.

Firstly, we sought refuge from sobriety in Yates' Wine Lodge, maybe the first of many 'chain' pubs which have diluted the going out experience with their identikit decor, plasma screens and banging chart "soundz". However, they don't charge to get in, and most of the bottles are a piffling £1.50 each.

My only real problem with Yates' is how it can be packed one minute, and there are a couple of, lets face it, dunderhead bar staff running round (serving the women first, even the female bar staff - Grrrr) but then five minutes later it's empty, and the staff come out of the woodwork; often outnumbering the customers 2 to 1. Why? What are these work shy student layabouts doing when it's busy? I suppose we'll never find out.

Oh, and while I'm here, why do they shut the upstairs when it's packed but open it when it's empty? Eh? Eh?

Anyhow, off we trotted, down to the shithole of Eternal Garbage that is 'CRC'. After a few seconds queueing, on the opposite side to everyone else, the bouncers did their bit and let us in. After being lifted of 10 quid for myself and my good wife to walk through a fucking door, I was then asked for another 6 quid to purchase 2 drinks which were half the price in Yates' a mere 5 minutes earlier!

But my major gripe about CRC is not the cost. It's the music.

No doubt regular readers of this fine site will have noticed me vent my spleen about this before. But on Saturday night, I wasn't ready with fear. I was ready with FACT.

Last time we were in, I had enough about me to remember the time of certain songs. So, this time, upon entering, I knew that all being well tehe "Grease Megamix" would be on in 5 minutes, at 23.55 hours precisely.

And you know what? It was.

This is what winds me up about CRC. It would be a decent place to have a few (expensive) drinks, but in sticking to it's tried and tested formula, it's given in to the needs of people on a night out and dropped itself right on the cattlemarket of 40-50 year olds out for a dance round their handbag and a bit of a fumble with KG.

It's chock full of people with no imagination. People who settle for safe and sound rather than risky and exciting. I seem to recall, when I was a young 'un, I wouldn't go to certain pubs because "they're full of fucking pensioners." And there I was, squeezing past two grannies to get to the bar.

Er, thanks, but no thanks. The town is now totally off the menu.

Slideshow

Burnley Wallet slideshow on Flickr!

Worth a look for some shockingly bad photos of us lot!!

Monday, February 27

Bird Flu

All the Boro went to Rome...

Just to see the Pope and this is what he said!

"Ow KG get out that fountain, ya drunken Cunt"

Thats right folks, am off to Rome to follow European Giants Middlesbrough play Roma.

I fly out on Tuesday 14th March, 07.30am, direct from Teesside Airport. and come back straight after the match.



I can just see meself, pissed up singing and dancing in this fountain.

The ground holds a massive 82000 people, shame it will be a quarter full like, but there's bound to be 1000's of Boro fans over there, guaranteed superb atmosphere.



As I aint been abroad since like 1997, I havn't got a passport ( I must have been on our mams passport back then) I need to go to Durham passport office on Wednesday to fast track my application form. Hope there aint a fuck up otherwise I'll be watching the match in the Tute!!

Saturday, February 25

Burnley Wallet Quiz

Spot the lardhead:

Thursday, February 23

Guitar

We've all wanted to do it at some point. Learn to play the guitar overnight and become a rock god.

Once you buy the thing or indeed get it bought perhaps as a Christmas present, you soon realise that without a teacher and any real motiviation (other than that little voice saying, "I want to be Hendrix by next week") it is pretty much impossible to get much more than the first few bars of "Smoke on the Water" from your cheap fuzzy amp.

After a while it gets a bit frustrating, the tuning goes, you don't have a clue and the guitar starts gathering dust.

There is no denying it is hard, very hard but once you can play it a competent level it must just be awesome.

However, some people take it overboard....



I mean, the "Super Mario Bros" theme tune on two guitars. He is merely touching the fretboard as well. You have to wonder how much free time these guys have.

And some people get it spot on and it makes you wish all over again that you to were a rock god.

Then theres Pete Townshend and the Who smashing their's up. What a waste but still fantastic at the same time. You have to love the Yank in this clip!



I want one now!! If you want to buy me a guitar then please let me know.

Does your band want publicity?!

Coming soon once we've worked out how to do it, the BW Battle of the Bands. Register your band at burnleywalletblog@yahoo.co.uk plus gig and CD reviews coming soon. Want a review? Send us some tickets and a CD!!

Wednesday, February 22

Happy Birthday Mike!

Replace the "Burnsie!" bit with "Mikey!", natch, but the rest still stands.


Monday, February 20

Winter Olympics

Well, what a load of bollocks.

Which bright spark came up with this then? Whilst the other members of this esteemed tome lurve the Winter Limmies with all their hearts, it has to be said that I'm not impressed in the slightest.

Let me fill you in a little. These aren't sports. Most of the events fall into 2 camps. Who's the best show-off, and who can use gravity to it's greatest advantage.

Show offs: Ice dance. No way, no chance is that a sport. If this is an olympic discipline, then surely 'doing the hustle' or indeed Y-M-C-A should be involved as demonstration sports in Beijing in 2008. Not only this, but it's not a sport you can win with talent alone.

Like the Eurovision Song Contest, politics plays a huge part. Iranian Ice dancers will, no doubt, be medal-less this year, whereas the loveable Swedes, with their Volvos, thier porn and thier massive suicide rate will no doubt find themselves podium bound. Flawless display by the Americans? Uh-uh, no way, Iraq and that. 5.1.

Gravity: Virtually all of the reamining sports use the great scientific constant, gravity, as their basis. I'm no scientist, but gravity usually pulls things down hills at the same rate. So why do the Germans always come in half a second quicker than us? Because they have the aerodynamic bods at BMW designing their little sled things.

The commentator told us last night that the German sled thing had 'adaptive rear suspension' which if I'm not mistaken, has only just found it's way onto the Ford Focus. So, it's the machine doing all of the work, then. Not the great German Franz Schittenhauser. He only won because his little sled thing is better than all the others. Congrats, Franz.

Much like Horse Racing, it's the vehicle that wins the race. Tony McCoy isn't necessarily a good Jockey, he just rides the fastest horses. Jenson Button will never amount to anything, because he can't even win in the fastest car. Anyway, the luge and the skeleton bob (apparently one is head first, the other feet first. I thought the difference was the danger factor. I can't imagine smashing your luge to pieces, as opposed to, well, you get the picture) amount to much the same, except it's not the electronic damping under your balls doing the work, it's pure, out-and-out luck. Especially for the women.

Apparently we won silver in this, but the lass who won it practiced on a skateboard on a grassy hill, for a couple of years, and is now officially the second best luge-a-riser in the world. Good eh? What a scientific sport that is.

Which leaves us with the only spectacles left in Winter Sport. Speed Skating, which is the athletics equivalent, and Ice Hockey, which we watch because there's no footy.

Speed Skating is a genuine adrenalin pumper, but clearly only for the commentators. Much like Formula 1, we only watch them for the crashes. Same applies to Ice Hockey, we only watch for the fights. Which never happen.

Winter Sports: Disappointing.

The BW Forums

Did you know the Burnley Wallet has its very own Forum?!

Take a look and join in the fun here.



Jim says, "It's super, smashing, great!!"

Saturday, February 18

To follow on from Pete's video.

Try this one, for a classic wind up.

And the lottery numbers tonight will be.......

.....yeah, like I'd tell you.

I wouldn't need them though, as this is my luckiest of lucky weeks. Allow me to elaborate.

We use the multinational Yahoo internet service for our tiny email requirements. Yahoo claim to have an active spam filter, but all this means is that you won't get any processed meat in your inbox. You do, however, get a multitude of rip offs flying in from all corners of the globe. Especially Nigeria.

I've been offered, in the last week, millions upon millions of dollars, from the deceased finance ministers of Nigeria and Burkina Faso (more specifically it's awesomely named capital, Ougadougou).

Apparently I'm the sole heir to a rich person who died in a horrendous plane crash 3 years ago. 3 years ago? Bloody red tape. The home of the person? Nigeria.

Oh, and by the way, I won 10.464 million dollars on the thoughtlessly named Microsoft Mega Jackpot Winnings Program, with the winning numbers 38-51-23-74-02 and brilliantly 757. How high do the numbers go? And when did I pick them? I would have picked 7, it's my lucky number. Or it was.

So, Microsoft Mega Jackpot Winnings Program, if you're so authentic, how come you don't even have a Microsoft domain on your return email? fsnet.co.uk? Are times really so hard? The email then claims, in the footnote, to be bearing news on the MS-Word Lottery. Eh? I thought I had my quid on the MS Excel Euromillions, or the MS Access Scratchcard Monopoly Mega Coinage King Kong Wonga-thon.

Remember though kids, there is a serious message behind this. Nigerians are cunts.

We really shouldn't........

Put those scary links on the Wallet.

Winter Olympic Brilliance

If you've been watching then you know just how good, well presented and exciting this years Winter Olympics has been so far.

The Brits grabbed a silver in the Skeleton Bob aka the most lethal event I have ever seen.

And as for this...



Is there a more exciting event? I only knew about after an almost orgasmic KG text me on his day off this week to tell me all about it.

And then we had the Top Gear winter Olympic special. Does this programme get any better?

They did a biathalon in a couple of 4 x 4's and Clarkson used a machine gun for the shooting section. They raced a bobsleigh with a Mitsubishi rally car, then raced round a frozen lake and then they launched a Mini off a ski jump. Simply amazing.

For Sale

C'mon music fans, get your bids in!!!

Yamaha PSR275

Wednesday, February 15

One Trillion Page views . com

One Trillion Page views . com

Ho ho!

Tuesday, February 14

The Night to End All Nights

It was quite frankly one of the funniest, happiest and most insane nights of my life. This Saturday in Middlesbrough was, just, just brilliant.

Mrs Groves, Shazza as we call her, picked us up following the Chelsea massacre and we were midway through the Man Utd game.

A 6pm start in the town will always guarantee a riotous course of events!

The Dickens Inn

It was quiet in here, but it didn't stop me and KG launching into a fit of laughter over a genius tale of Branco's debut at a Boro reserve game. KG's uncle, Sacka took me KG and Chris to the game and being 2-0 down with about 15 minutes left we left early.

On the way out it was pitch black and, missing a kerb, I went absolutely flying and took Sacka out in the process!! Hilarious at the time. Even funnier though was when we were walking down the steps of the stand. Another fan started singing "Bye bye meathead, meathead bye bye!!!" I found this so funny thinking back that couldn't even say it in the Dickens!! I physically had to type it on my mobile and show KG otherwise I think I may have spontaeously combusted!

Here's my first pint...



And the second....




The Star and Garter

Had a quick pint in here and watched the end of the Man U vs. Pompey game. KG lost a collosal £10 on the fruit machine.

The Southfield



"Are we getting monged tonight or what?!"

"Get a Sammy B (Sambuka) in then!"

Well the night well and truly began. A pint of Carlsberg and a Sambuka and we were on the way. Bit of Oasis in here as well for a sing song.

As we left, Phil rang, "Meet you in the Tavern!"

It was absolutely freezing, clearly having an affect on KG's bladder.

"Mikey, I need a piss."

"Just wait till the Tavern man, for Christ sake, you've already demolished a hedge along here!!!"
I picked up the pace to the Tavern to avoid the cold, turned round and KG had dissapeared. Behind a wall!!! You can get a tasty fine for that KG!

The Tavern



Following a nice Corona and Lime (above) we got another round in with Sammy B's all round. I went for a loo break and came back to our standing position only to find Phil and KG had dissapeared.

"Mikey!" - they were sitting down hiding!

Watched the Boro vs. Chelsea highlights and then for some reason me and KG started arm wrestling.

"Mikey, you can even use your wanking arm."

If anyone can beat the big grizzly (at arm wrestling, not wanking) you have my utmost respect. He's an arm wrestling monster!

Taxi to Lloyds

Hopped in a taxi. The three of us all squeezed in the back as none of us can take the front seat abuse anymore. As a result the driver got most of it. Bit of a piss take but you know, they can't take a joke these fellas. So I tried to turn it round with a cheeky gag, "I'm only joking mate, you're a Top Man, in fact is that where you got your cardi from?"

Lloyds

Got a Double Whiskey each in here. Which I followed up with a shot of Jamaican Rum at an unbelievable 63% each.

Well, Phil downed his and nearly took off in disgust. KG sniffed his and nearly fainted. I downed mine and needed a quick trip to the bogs for a heavy spewing session.

Absolutely fucking lethal.

I comes back from the bog and, as I found out yesterday, KG's went in with my double whiskey! Ouch.

Kathryn met us in here as well and then we met Pete and Jo next door in....

Yates

We hadn't been in long, I was monged and this lad behind me was taking the piss Pete tells me. I'm having none of it and follows him to the bar for a quiet word. Lets just say we had no more piss takes especially when he saw Phil and KG backing me up.

Here's the Corona I had.



When we left, can you see the sign to the right of the door in the picture below?




Well, at the other end of the pub they have one at the other entrance. Pete was holding it back to 'whip' into me but, when it did, the whole thing hit the deck with me following snapping it at the same time!! Oops!! KG nearly collapsed laughing. He tried to pick me up as well only to push me back into it the lardhead!

Hogshead

Absolutely shitfaced now and still hammering the whiskeys and shots. Me and Phil started throwing ice at each other in here and I think I was shouting at people through the window.



Walkabout

The Oz Bar was just off the charts. I got a text off KG telling me they were all upstairs. Not sure why I wasn't with them?!

I hadn't been up there five minutes before I saw KG leap across the room head first into a leather sofa which slid across the floor. I then got rugby tackled onto it. Then KG leapt on it about another 8 times.

Then these two lads came in who both went to sit on it and Phil moved it out of the way. One lad went om his arse while his mate died laughing.

Honestly right, I feared for KG and my own health through laughing so much and Pete even shot some vodka red bull through his nose!!!

With this poor lad on the floor, Phil then tipped the sofa over on top of him!!!

There was also this lass sat near us with her trousers right down round her arse with a lot of thong and crack showing. A lad who was sat with her comes over and was talking to us and Phil dared me to stick a straw down the crack. Oh man, the things you do when you're pissed. I obviously did.

Five minutes later and a little shove on the setee and five bouncers escorted me out of the place!!!

Well five came over and two frogmarched me down the fire escape at very high speeds!

One light push. What on earth would have happend if they'd seen Phil literally powerslam a sofa on a complete unknown?!

Anyway. Everyone esle followed me out in tears of laughter.

Barracuda




Me and KG decided if you're going to get monged you need a treble vodka red bull, two test tubes mixed in and a vodka jelly each. Why not eh?

We all sat down upstairs having a giggle before KG who must have just thought, "I know I'll do this for a giggle!" jumped arse first into one of those tubs that people put their empty bottles in!! All I can remember is the huge clank!!

Vienna



This is one huge blur. Not even a blur really, more like lost time. See above for the treble vodka and cokes were sinking. Phil and Kathryn have told KG that apparently I was doing an Uncle Fester with a lightbulb in here whilst robotic dancing.



Chicago Rock Cafe

Me and KG pulled a right pair of lookers. Well I say lookers. If you trimmed off 18 stone they probably wouldn't look too bad. I felt pretty trim stood alongside them. I say pulled as well. I sort of just went straight in without saying anything as a) I was too pissed to see and b) it was funny.

Taxi Home

These drivers cant take a joke sometimes and you know, when KG calls them Osama and slams the door with full force they seem to get quite offended. Not sure why.

What an absolute epic of a night out. I still have a slight twinge from my various 'bumps' and I'm still struggling to remember bits.

One of the best. 10/10.

Valentines Day Massacre

These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the MOST romantic first line... but the LEAST romantic second line.....

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

Thought that I could love no other
until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Monday, February 13

This has gotta hurt

Not on your life, my Hindu friend!

The Burnley Wallet loves the Simpsons. Especially this one...

Hear the song now!

Latest Dream Team Update

We have a new leader, KG has stormed to the lead and is in prime control to kick on, and claim the prize money!

KG:

1. Martyn 66

2. Mellberg 52

3. Spector-13

4. Knight 16

5. Queudrue 53

6. Rommedahl 38

7. Stelios 118

8. Gerrard 212

9. Henry 170

10. Defoe 77

11. Forsell 35

Total = 824

Mikey

1. Fridel 87

2. McCartney -1

3. Naysmith 0

4. Upson 52

5. A Ferdinand 70

6. Reid 11

7. Lampard 202

8. Downing 25

9. Geremi 26

10. Rooney 161

11. Van Nistelrooy 164

Total = 797


Pete:

1. Jaaskelainen 107

2. Samuel 9

3. Queudrue 53

4. Clement 32

5. Spector -13

6. Pires 97

7. Robben 99

8. Okocha 27

9. Arca 43

10. Van Nistelrooy 164

11. Drogba 65

Total = 683

Valentines Day Tomorrow

And my sack is bulging!!

Please submit any hilarious tales of Valentines woe/ecstasy to the Wallet here....

burnleywalletblog@yahoo.co.uk

Sunday, February 12

Big Night Out

The BW boys hit the town last night. It was a wild one and I am hurting today - full run down soon!

Boro 3-0 Chelsea

MAGNIFICENT is a word branded about by Steve McClaren, but yesterday he was justified to use that word.

Stevie Mac got his tactics spot on, all 11 players were sent out to do a job and thats exactly what they did.

Schwarzer made some great saves, Southgate marshalled the defence, Rochemback actualy looked Brazilian and The Yak bullied and terrorised the Chelsea defenders.

Under the circumstances the BEST game I have witnessed at the Riverside.

Check out Ali Brownlee's commentary from Century yesterday, its a classic

Friday, February 10

Tourettes. Fuck.

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window

'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

'Fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.

'Get the fucking manager of this pigs shit middle class wank hole please you cunt', he says to a somewhat startled barman.

The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says.

'Yes you can you fat piece of shite, I saw your poxy advert in the cunting window and I'm here to audition.....wanker.'

The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'

'That song, you big nosed fuckwit, was called "Excuse me Prime Minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the bitch is blind...'

'Oh' says the manager. '..err, can you play me another? Something a little less "lively".'

'Waanker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title.

'That little number was called, "Sometimes when you do a bird up the shitebox you get crap on your bellend.'

'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?'

'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".

'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'

'Fook it' says the pianist, 'Why not'.

On his first night everything is going superbly. The crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one off. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act.

After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. 'Hi' she says.

'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.

She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your dick is hanging out of your trousers, and spuunk is dribbling onto your shoes?'

'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,

'I fooking wrote it !!!'

Thursday, February 9

Classic Footy misses

Some absolute corkers on here, my fave is the ball getting stuck in the mud, and the striker thinking its gone in, goes off and celebrates!

Brilliant

Happy Birthday

To this young man (the one on the right)....



Happy 1st birthday to the youngest chief in the land.

From the Burnley Wallet

Wednesday, February 8

Presumably......

......this has been taken into account when discussing Boro's current plight?

Thought not. Not sure what the Geordies are on about like.

Rare Boro Top on Ebay



Apparantly its one of the rarest Boro shirts on the market. I'm not suprised at the price currently been asked for on Ebay

Just checking ebay there for other Boro shirts, I have a few which are on there which are selling at a nice price. Hurry Mikey and get your ebay/paypal accounts up and running so I can make some tatey!!

Tuesday, February 7

David Walliams interviews Noel Gallagher

Clicky!

But promise me you'll read the Liam bits in his voice, if you know what I mean. The Peter Kay story is awesome.

2 Becomes 3 (Cont.)

This afternoon saw the birth of Ruby (we think) today, weighing in at a fighting fit 8 and a half pounds.

Those of you that suggested stupid names in the forum shame on you.

Congratulations to Julie and Barrie from all at the Wallet!

P.S. Details of the babies head-wetting location will be much appreciated. Cheers.

Word of Mouth Record

Cheers to Alan and Olly for letting the Wallet know about their double world record attempt!

1. Get the most hits in one day.

2. Have the largest amount of jokes submitted to one website.

It's in its early days and well any site that wants to spread a bit of joy and achieve something has my full backing.

Good luck lads!!

wordofmouthrecord.com

Sad Story

One Billion Page Views

I was quite taken with the One Billion Page Views site so I e-mailed the guy who is doing it.

Here's an idea.

Design a site very similar to this one which challenges you to a race to the 1 million mark. Me and the guys at the Burnley Wallet run it and sort of take the mick in a non-offensive way whilst in the process generating more hits for your site.

Everyone who clicked our site would no doubt be redirected to your site to check out the competition. It's a win win situation - you get more hits, we get lots of publicity!

I appreciate you're very busy but I think it's a decent idea worth at least a look.

Cheers.

Mike

His reply....

Currently already being done =0)

Thanks for your growing support!

AJ

Or in other words, "Great idea. I'll give it to a mate to do."

So if you see his site suddenly get a rival from nowhere think to yourself, "That was Mikey's idea that."

Monday, February 6

2 Becomes 3

To the 2 Appleby children, enjoy your last few hours as the only Appleby kids in town.

The new arrival is imminent.

More news when it arrives, quite literally.

But click here first.

Poorly Phil

Friend of the Wallet and all round "Top Chief" Phil/Philip/Tail/Presh/Prystal is unfortunately laid up at the moment with a terrible bout of man flu.

Not really of course, he is genuinely ill.

GET WELL SOON PHIL/PHILIP/TAIL/PRESH/PRYSTAL!!!!!

Scrapheap Challenge Champions



Kryten: "This week on Scrapheap Challenge, we have a very special guest team."



They'd absolutely dick it!!

Mind you Peppards dead and Schultz, Benedict and T are all on the scrapheap.

Did anyone spot the Face link from the previous post or was it too clever?

Face Transplant

So, when is she having the operation?

Ah, cruel I know. It's amazing what they can do these days isn't it? So is there now someone sans face or was it took off a dead person? I'm sure I read it was taken off a terminally ill person. Please confirm before I have nightmares.

Talk To Us

Hey you!

Me?

Yes you!!

Got something to say?!

Tell the Wallet. E-mail us at....

burnleywalletblog@yahoo.co.uk

We want to hear what you have to say. Submit a rant, link, picture, video anything - we want to hear from all you chiefs out there.

Sunday, February 5

Arctic Monkeys

This is what all the fuss is about....

Liverpool

Last Saturday saw me, KG, Phil and Kathryn visit Liverpool for a complete piss up starting in the car....

Drive Down

Several cans in and we were off down the A66 along to Kirby Stephen. About half way along Phil tells us that there is a sign for Moss Cottage he wants us to "have a look at" for friend of the Wallet, David "Moss" Amos.

He pulls in, me and KG jump out but the sign is rusted over - with the right tools it will come off so, on KG's brother Chris' stag do, which is coming in June, somebody remind us to take some B&Q gear.

Anyway back in and foot down and we eventually got in to Liverpool at about 12.30ish. Asked a couple of taxi drivers where it was and we eventually got some decent directions and found the place. The Ibis Hotel.

Hotel

It wasn't bad. "Are you Eeeney?" came a scouse cry from behind the reception as I filled my form in to check in. I was pretty dozy after my lager and trip so made a tit of myself when I asked for my change despite getting it back off the receptionist only moments earlier.

Found our rooms, KG decided to give my bed a full on bouncy castle test by leaping about on it! Disaster for me, the Pay TV wasn't working in my room so the hugely censored German smut wasn't bought.

Getting Lost/Moreton

Anyway we had previously agreed to meet KG's relatives in their home town of Moreton for a bit of afternoon dinner/lunch before we hit the city official. The drive over there was a piss take! We got so lost thanks to Emma (Kg's cousin) and Kathryn trying to relay directions over a mobile we drove past a submarine at one point. I took command and we were on our way.

Dinner

After meeting Emma's ma, and Emma's boyfriend, (Titch as I would call him - he was about 6'4". Wide.) we went to this pub for a mega meal.

I caned a sirloin steak, KG took part in a Desperate Dan Cow Pie, which believe it or not he didn't finish and Phil and Kathryn had scampi I think.

Driving Back

We set off back to the hotel and halfway home Phil ended up in the wrong lane of the road coming back. Being Phil went past this bloke on the left who managed to drive straight into us. D'oh!

Pulled over and that Phil sorted it all out. If anyone asks we were coming from Birkenhead okay?!

Getting Ready

Got back in and had an awesome shower and enjoyed a couple of pints in the bar with KG waiting for the other two.

Once ready, the four of us got a taxi round to....

Lloyds

Grabbed a couple of Coronas in here and pulled off a cracking Lou and Andy sketch on the spot. It's a newly acquired talent of mine and KG's. Two years too late mind.

Yatesy's

Next on the agenda was Yatesy's were Emma and Clare were going to meet us. Fairly smart in here, the barmaids were dressed as nurses but there was one poor lass who looked like a genuine 70 hour a week nurse ambling round collecting the glasses.

Hardys

In here it was this old woman's 60th and well, KG was tempted to say the least. 10 bottles later and he'd have been fisting her in the disabled loos.

The Tube

The Tubby as I called it was a pretty smallish 80's bar with a little crappy dancefloor that we took over. KG asked for a Mikey shout out ("He's lost 8lbs on the WeightWatchers this week!!") but thankfully never got it.

Edwards

The four of us were monged today and danced quite a lot in here. It's a bit of a blur this pub for me. At one point this woman with a Kevin Keegan perm was talking to me. Mental note: slow down on the Blue WKD's!!! We were in here for a while dancing and that - probably the best pub.

Lloyds

This was another Lloyds. I got the great task of going to the bar. The busiest bar I have been in or at. Ever. About 30 minutes later I finally got served. All four of us had had enough now, totally knackered!!

We left Lloyds with the intention of going to Walkabout but upon leaving we saw that the queue for the Aussie bar was so long you couldn't actually see the end. Stood outside for a bit waiting for Clare and Emma. Whilst waiting we saw this gadge get thrown down the stiars at the front which was pretty funny/sickening at the same time!

Eventually made our way to....

Barracuda

I can assure you it was Liverpool and not Boro we were in despite the names of these pubs!!

It picked up again in here with some cracking tunage that everyone could have a good sing song to.

Walk Home

Me, Clare, KG and Emma walked it in back to the hotel. It was so cold as well. Phil and Kathryn went off on there own for some grub I think. Once in I went straight to bed and to sleep and left KG to his own devices with the ladies.

Those Friendly Icelandics

Mid way through my three hours sleep I hear a noise outside. And then lots of talking, then a huge amount of knocking, kicking, shouting, swearing and violence.

"Billy!!!!!!" shouts a foreigner. Iceland I'm sure.

"Is dast you in der?" KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!!!!

"Billy come on you stupid fucker, I need sleep and bed. BILLY!!!" KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!!

"Are they knocking on my door?" I thought for a moment. No way was I answering. I'd have probably been thrown into the corridor and had my room hijacked!

This carried on for a good 2 hours. When I went down to reception in the morning there was a good 20 of them gathered round, being just as loud and ridiculous as the night before. Not a happy bunny.

Sunday morning we left about 12ish and enjoyed a stunning BK on the way home.

Pretty good night, little bit of anticlimax at the end but not for KG though eh? Wink, wink, nudge nudge.

Africa? Europe?

MAC OUT!!!!

























Come on Gibbo, time to get rid of this complete idiot before its too late. Relegation looms for us if you don't take action. Yesterday was an EMBARRASSMENT!!

He has now lost the fans, Chants of "Mac Out", "McClaren for England" and "Tony, Tony Mowbray" echoed around the Riverside and I can't see anyway back for McClaren now.

It never got this bad under Robson, so come on Mr Gibson do the right thing and replace him.

One Billion Page Views

One Billion Page Views

So that's how you get hits.

Friday, February 3

Worth a Punt

How's this for a bet, put a quid on yourself winning the EuroMillions with William Hill and you'll pick up not only the jackpot from the draw but a massive 65,000,000/1 return (£65,000,001) off your bet.

Nice.

Thursday, February 2

Dating update

Fuck me I know how to attract them don't I?

I had postive replies from these 2 sitting in my inbox today.









First up we have Dur1978, fuck me I can't type thru laughing, look at the state of her?









Secondly we have this, I'll have Special Fried rice and chips please love.

I also I had a message from "Anne" who lives within 1 mile of my postcode and has asked for MSN address, when I get hers I'll blog her address for confirmation of a positive reply.

So there we go, Scores on the Doors please Pete.

Wednesday, February 1

Online Dating Malarky

Not one to turn down a challenge, I finally registered on that free dating website, and have sent a good TEN messages within my first 3 minutes of being registered.

Here's my profile -


Sex
Male - looking for females
Location
Middlesbrough, Yorkshire
Age
22


Interview with
Maximum Pleasure

What do you like most about where you currently live?

I currently live im Middlesbrough which is an up and coming, trendy fashionable place to live with a great night life on weekends.

What do you enjoy most about your current job?

The fact the company I work for can make a difference to people lives. Especially those not as fortunate as others

What are your favourite leisure activities?

Socialising with friends, watching my favourite team Middlesbrogh play football. Working out. Going to the cinema.

Where in the world are your favourite places?


Ibiza and Florida, visited both places last year

Where in the world would you love to visit?

Las Vegas, I do like to have a little flutter now and again.

What would you do on an ideal date?

Arrange for my partner to be picked up, and we'd go for a nice meal along overlooking the river. Then perhaps on into town, where we could have a drink and a dance.

What are you looking for in a partner?

Looks arn't really important, as long as you can make me laugh and smile.

What makes a good relationship?

Trust, honesty and the fact your always there for one and other

What makes you laugh?


jokes, impressions, stories. I laugh very easy!

What music do you like?

I like all kinds from Rock to dance

What has been the highlight of your life so far?

the day my nephew was born

What are you looking forward to in the future?

Enjoying life to the full

Relationships

I am looking for friendship or a casual relationship or a serious relationship.
My relationship status is currently single.

Appearance

My eye colour is brown.
My hair is bald / shaved.
My body type is athletic.
My height is 6' 2" / 188cm.
My ethnic origin is white.

Politics

I'm not interested in politics.

Qualifications

My qualifications include GSCEs / O levels and A levels (or equivalent).

Employment

I'm employed.
I work in management / executive.
My income is between £50,000 and £59,999.

Lifestyle

I'm a moderate drinker.
I'm a non-smoker.
I don't follow any special diet.
I am not disabled.
I am a catholic.
I don't practice my religion.
My interests include cars and clubbing and dancing and family and gym and health and movies and music—listening and outdoor activities and pubs and sport—playing and sport—watching and travel and TV.

Children

I don't have any children.
I do want to have children.

Housing

I own my home.
I live alone.


Although I beleive I trail Mikey in the points stakes, my good looks will steer me to victory.

Keep checking the wallet for regular updates, and no doubt hilarious pictures of wondeful and weird women.

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