Tuesday, January 31

The Dating Game: Day 2

Just a day in and I am scoring points like they are going out of fashion!!!

First up we have a message and a photo from Madaleen. Or Windowleen as I am going to refer to her. She's from Hartlepool, has a kid (worth a point surely?!) and looks like this.....

So that's 1 point for a positive reply and 2 for a photo?


That's not all.

Next up was a message from Karli 20. Look, don't laugh, because there are people who genuinely look like this...

She will be known as The Teeth. Mind you, not only are her gums receding but her fucking hairline isn't looking so healthy either!!!

So another reply and photo. Another 3 points. Do I get more for a funny picture?

C'mon KG. Your text today stating: "Av registered on freedating and am taking this challenge very seriously!" doesn't seem so threatening.

By the way, BW fans. My profile will tell you that I am on £80,000 a year in a management/executive job, 6 foot 3 and interested in every possible option. Except cycling that is as I can't actually ride a bike. Best not bend the truth too much eh?!

Here's my profile message.....

Hi I'm Mikey,

I'm new to this dating game. So which way round the board do we go and who goes first?

I'm looking for a good time with anyone who has a good sense of humour and a caring personality. Looks don't bother me - I've had to put up with mine for 22 years!

Anyway, if you're up for a great time with, dare I say it, a great guy then you know what to do (e-mail me, for you invalids on here).

6 point lead?! Plus a bonus for a single mum surely. Pete - I await your verification.

It's a walkover.

Giving in to Middlesbrough

Because me and KG are mindless drunks with no will power; last week saw us "f**k the overdraft!!" and cane the Boro in a hell bent rampage with one mission on our minds: Forget who you are!

A swift 4 pints in the Dickens, Star and Garter, the Southfield and The Tavern and we were well on the way. Absolutely caned that Little Britain sketch that was on the Wallet a few days ago. She's Gorrrgggussss.

Jumped in a Taxi to...


Where we caned some harsh shots of Aftershock. Bad news them but don't half get you on your way!


Gatecrashed a party upstairs and KG managed to pull off a five minute convo with a guest about the lad whose party it was! "Orh yeah, I went to school with him!" Resisted the temptation to nick a sausage roll and also avoided the barmaid who said we were too loud to be served!

Trader Jacks

Grabbed a couple in here. Drinks that is.


I managed to break KG's pulling record in here, when I merely looked at a lovely young lady (no hypnosis involved whatsoever!) and we were off! Mental. So we exchanged numbers and got begged to go to Flares next.


This really is one poor pub. Anyway met up with these lasses from Walkabout and conversed. There's a video kicking about on KG's phone which I'll get uploaded.

Left Flares and walked round to CRC. On the way, this lass comes running up to us crying. asking what's wrong she explains that a lad has been strangling her. "Right!! Lets sort this out!!"

Stormed round to the bottom of Linthorpe Road and saw this lardhead shouting his mouth off. Has a quiet word with him and KG tells him to get home.

He aint moving, KG asks again - he is a demented angry grizzly bear.

Still he persists with his fumbling explanantion of why he was strangling a bird! KG then pushed him sending this lad about 10 feet across the street and into a bench next to this big wheelie bin thing.

I think he got the message anyway before he scampered away with a lame "Am coming back with me mates!!"

"Looka, ya going in the fucking bin if ya don't shut up!!!!" I can't help but think that might have a been a defining moment of our lives to have stuffed an idiot in a bin.

Chicago Rock Cafe

More women in here, proper studs us you know. And home. Cracking night.

Monday, January 30

Don't open at work!!

Clicked the 'next blog' button, thought I'd been redirected to a spam site.

But no, it's not what it seems to be! A-ha-ha-ha!

Mikey On The Pull: Progress Update

So with the second challenge set, within minutes I was off on a mission of love and points! Points mean prizes.

Step 1....

Join a dating site!


I am a gadge (man) seeking a splitarse (woman) from age 18 to 70.

Within, let's see, ah, "Anywhere" of postcode.

Screen name. Tough. Needs to be attractive and unoffensive. ManlyMikey should do it.

And now the website has died.

Cracking start for Mikey!!

The BW Challenge - February

(Or, The Grab-a-Bird Challenge)

Just for Mike and KG this one. As you know, I am a happily married man. The other members of this mighty site are more from the 'Men Behaving Badly' school of thought.

So, boys, you might already know that dating sites are expensive. So, using your effortless resources you have to get in contact with the opposite sex. For free. So, you can use messenger, chat rooms, emails, stalking or even good old chat up lines to help in your quest.

A few rules though:

  • No using dodgy pics, like Brad Pitt, or me.
  • Lies in your descriptions are OK.
  • No mention of the Wallet, as this will put birds off.

Scoring is as follows:

  • Positive replies: 1 point each
  • Photos: 2 points
  • 'Candid' Photos: 5 points
  • Date: 10 points
  • Anything else: Depends, the impartial arbitrator (me) will decide

Remember though, that you need proof. No pics, no points. All findings to be posted please.

Off you go boys! Good luck!

The BW Challenge - January

(Or, Get Stuff for Nowt)

The challenge was to get stuff, for free, off of companies and that. Whilst me and Mike tried to chance our arms, KG neglected to even read the email.

Mikey came up trumps though, with the only positive email back. Electronic Arts must really be quite desperate.

So, after one month:

Mike: 10 points
Pete:0 points
KG: -5 points, must try harder!

Coming soon: February!

Boys are Back in Town

Well we got back from Liverpool safe and sound despite Phil's best efforts.

Update soon once I've remembered what happened. I remember a woman with a huge afro but it all goes Pete Tong from there!!

Last Saturday in Boro (including KG's run in with the Boston Strangler) and Liverpool's epic both coming tomorrow. PROMISE!!!

Friday, January 27

A little joke for ya's

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".

Roland the class swot gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Patrick jumps up and says in a broad accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."


'Lifted' from B3ta.

Se7en - 2wo



Wrath:Very High

Sloth:Very High




Discover Your Sins - Click Here]

Dunno if I won or not, but I seem to be quite a shit.

Nice Work Chief

The Eston Residents Association were delighted when local net-celeb KG turned up for the Chrimbo do.

Wednesday, January 25

Little Britain

"She's gorrrguss." could become the quote of 2006, cos, we can't stop saying it. Since KG is pretty new to this Little Britain malarkey fashionable young man that he is, this scene was played out several times whilst pissed up in Boro on Saturday night. Full review coming soon. It was a corker.

Tuesday, January 24

"Look our Mr Scifo, here comes the Wallet!"

As I am, apparently, part of the "Global ICT Team" for our lovely multinational friends Albemarle, I had to go on an all expenses paid jaunt to Brussels to meet the rest of the team.

So, Wednesday; 7.30 prompt, a Jag S-Type pulled up outside the Heaney home. A sutied chap emerged from the drivers side, put my bag in the boot, and ushered me into the back. Leather all round. Nice. I was then whisked (I say whisked, it was more beaten and then souffled) to Geordieland International Airport, onto a really quite rickety aircraft and off to Zaventem, or Brussels, Airport.

After a short visit to the office to check emails and shake a ludicrous amount of hands, I was taken to the hotel in the most beat up and battered Mercedes van they could muster. Luckily, this was the last shit taxi I had to worry about. Watched the snooker on BBC2, whilst admiring the prohibitively expensive minibar, and then went down to the bar for the first of 6 pints.

I ordered the closest thing to a parmo from the restaurant, wolfed it down, and was then humiliated on the snooker table by a Dutch colleague, whilst being laughed at by a bloke from France. I mentioned that a German bloke was on his way, and the Frog immediately made the place look tidy for him and the Dutch fella hid in a cupboard. I prepared to fight him on the beach, but secretly hoped an American would bail me out about 2 minutes in.

Next morning, off to the office for the meeting, yadda yadda yadda, blah blah blah. Quite good actually.

Then..............the activity. We were told to bring trainers and jeans for this, but we weren't told what would be happening. Ideas were bandied about, but the reality was infinitely more exciting than we had ever imagined. We were taken, by a mad surgeon, to an abandoned hospital, where we were clad in the nicest white suits and then asked to perform Crystal Maze style games. It was superb. This is it by the way.

Then off to here for some awesome grub and more beer, then a fitful nights sleep. Nightmares of the surgeon methinks.

Next day, discovered that a fry up followed by 8 cups of coffee and 2 cans of redbull can sort out any tiredness. More meeting, then off to the airport, few beers with 2 french blokes and a bloke from Bristol, then off to the departure lounge where I watched "The Football Factory" on my PSP and got robbed for 5 quid for a sarnie. Then another rickety plane home, and a breeze back to Boro in a Chrysler thingy.

Superb. We HAVE to go on the beer in Brussels. It looks incredible. KG. Sort it out.

Oh, and some pictures soon hopefully.

Monday, January 23


Wrath:Very High
Lust:Very High

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz to see how much of a sinner you are.

As you can see I am such a badass.

Yearly Medical

I don't remember answering these but it sure looks like I did!!.......

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it ... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.

Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regularexercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: NoPain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?


Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!!It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Stella in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

Sunday, January 22

A Small Experiment

Saturday, January 21

Deal or No Deal Online

Play Deal or No Deal without Edmonds - does it get any better?


Whale Spotted in the Thames

Thursday, January 19

These Vids beat me last lot.

These are in Yahoo's best video's of 2005.

Talking Dogs

Hot Dogs

Beer Boy

All truly brilliant. Beer Boy is my fave though.

Few funny vids

Sexual Harrassment at Work (one for Mikey)

Mile High Club (one for Mikey)

How cars should be (one for Phil)

Amazing Goldfish (one for Mrs Heaney)

Tuesday, January 17

RIP Goldie

Born: Summer 2004
Died: 16 January 2006

Goldie, the brightly coloured canary who entered our lives and hearts, has, I'm terribly sorry to inform you, passed away.

I say passed away, it's quite plausible that he drowned.

I say drowned, he fell into his drinking tray and couldn't get out.

I think it may have been suicide. But, who wouldn't be depressed at having me, my Mam and my Dad whistle at it when bored and having the cat held up to it's cage for a quick peek. Just the thought of the greastest post Whiskas dessert you've ever seen would create deafening purrs of Galloway proportions.

Goldies happiest moment came when it managed to accurately mimic the smoke alarm when Mrs Heaney had overdone the bacon butties one hungover Sunday morning. Since that day however, the little shit managed to give us a daily five minute rendition of...


Over and over and over again.

Anyway, Goldie managed to either fall in (or was he pushed?) to his water and that was that.

To be honest I was on the verge of letting him loose and seeing how long the cat took for a bit of fun but Death beat me to it.

RIP Goldie.

The good news is though that Casper - the fish who died in Summer 2004 shortly after the introduction of Goldie to the Heaney household is looking down now and has had the last laugh....."At least I could breathe underwater!"

I am also pleased to announce that we still have a couple of goldfish going strong but one of them has a severely gammy red eye and probably won't last much longer.

Mother of the Year 2005

After several weeks deliberation the award goes to....

Click for result.

Thursday, January 12

I have a Dream (Team update)

Here is the latest round of scoring: Mikey's once massive lead is crumbling!!!


1. Fridel 67
2. McCartney 0
3. Naysmith 0
4. Upson 31
5. A Ferdinand 45
6. Reid 11
7. Lampard 178
8. Downing 10
9. Geremi 26
10. Rooney 151
11. Van Nistelrooy 124

Total - 643


1. Martyn 42
2. Mellberg 33
3. Spector -14
4. Knight 7
5. Queudrue 69
6. Rommedahl 36
7. Stelios 82
8. Gerrard 179
9. Henry 119
10. Defoe 53
11. Forsell 20

Total - 626


1. Jaaskelainen 82
2. Samuel -5
3. Queudrue 69
4. Clement 27
5. Spector -14
6. Pires 82
7. Robben 68
8. Okocha 27
9. Arca 31
10. Van Nistelrooy 124
11. Drogba 65

Total - 556

Cow Rally

Press play!!!

This has really made my day.

Tuesday, January 10


Myself and KG will be visting Liverpool at the back end of this month and again for Chris Groves stag do later in the year.

Following a cracker of a night and day following the Grand National in 2004 a return has always been on the cards.

If you've been to Liverpool or in fact you are from Liverpool (we've not had anyone be that honest yet, but people are nicking stuff from the Wallet all the time) then can you let us know where the best night out action is to be found?

Paparazzi Game ::

Click away. Literally.

Monday, January 9

Celeb Big Brother

Er, um, erm, Barrymore, and er, stuff and that, er, she's not a real one! Well she is real, but, er, you know, not real, like that woman out of Baywatch that isn't Pammy, or the Hoff, she's real, cos we all know that, er, stuff, and that. You know? And she's not a bird, she's a geezer, but she's not a him she's a they, you know? Basketball eh? Yeah, I know. Cor blimey. And him, eh? Pupae, or Larvae, or whatever, he's mint him, used to be in, er, thingy. And him, that one, the skinny one out of whats-their-faces, he'll be there or thereabouts him like, you know?

Sorry, haven't been watching it.

Jackie Stallone to win.

Boxing Day Bonanza

It's a bit late but this is what happened on Boxing Day.

The Stap and The Normanby

Me, Phil, Dirty Richard and his dad Paul all went of for a pint in here followed by a couple in the Normanby. Phil sorted a taxi out and we were off to Middlesbrough with a manky bottle of Sol in our hands.

Taxi to Boro

Cost £11 if I recall, some splitarse operating the fares and taking bookings obviously got the prices wrong so he made a big show of ringing up on his mobile to get a realistic boxing day fare. Think Phil might have sorted it out whilst I was getting the drinks in at...

The Tavern

Knocked back a few Corona and Limes in here before moving down to


For even more. I think we had had 9 drinks before we met KG.

The Dickens Inn

KG and Chris were in here having just been to the Boro match (Boro 0 - 2 Blackburn) and then we were off on the usual route. Several lagers in here and the Star and Garter and then we moved on to the


I was well and truly got in here with the old crouch down behind and get pushed over. Phil crouched down and KG pushed me over him and into this group of lads who I don't think were best pleased. I leapt to my feet and rugby tackled Phil into a table and gave KG a whack and then went outside to stop laughing. For some reason I found it absolutely hilarious whereas usually I'd be mortified by that kind of thing.

Think KG and Phil fended off some dirty looks and quiet words from the lads I fell into before I went back in. Bunch of lardheads the lot of us!

Taxi to Yates

I think I went a bit overboard in here with pelvic thrusting and detailed explanations of just what I was looking for!! Poor taxi drivers!!

When we pulled up to Yates, I got out thining it had been paid for. I was sadly mistaken. I was about to get in Yates door when a car whacks into me leg! I'm like, "What is this bonafide lardhead doing?!!"

Turns out we hadn't paid after all. Oops!


We met up with Pete, Jo, Clare and Stevie in here before moving on to...


Where we decimated the Christmas tree. I ended up wearing these bead like things round my neck, plus a little red bow on my jacket. For a while I also had on a bell decoration round my neck but it just made me look like a bell end. Boom boom.

We walked down past the Hogshead (as it was closed I think) to go to Vienna. On the way I got shoved, again, this time off my feet and onto a car bonnet which hurt, a lot.


I've rang KG and he can't even remember coming in here. I can remember being in here but only with KG and Phil for some reason. Maybe Pete can enlighten us here?


Well it all went a bit tits up in here when Chris and Stevie decided to have a big ruckus.

Following a bit of a mess about where they tried to give each other a love bite (no-one has yet managed to explain to me why this was happening.) they ended up upsetting each other and went at it in the middle of Isaacs.

Clairesy: "They're fighting, they're fighting!!"

KG: "Orrr, for fucks sake!!!"

So Phil and Keith broke them up, Chris punched the wall in frustration and managed to leave a giant dent in it. The wall that is.

I played peacekeeper and made sure we all got back on track with the fun, lots of handshakes were made and some tears were shed but, then we all started getting pissed again!

I was talking to Phil and KG gives me the eyes for a push - a chance for revenge from the Southfield! He crouched down behind Phil who I attempted to shove back but he just managed to sit on him!! KG fell to the gorund in a heap and then got dragged round the pub by his feet by Phil who then grabbed the fire extinguisher off the wall! thankfully he restrained himself as I'm sure we'd have all been well and truly barred!!

KG was that wrecked he tried to get back up after all this and then fell straight back over again!! Proper pissing myself.


The queue was absolutely immense, it stunk (it stinks round there for some reason), it was freezing and we were quickly sobering. An executive decision was made and me and KG got the troops on the move to Yates/Walkabout/Hogshead depending or where we could still get in.

We got round the back of Lava and Isaacs and funnily enough found a shopping trolley. They say it's possible to die laughing and Jesus, I nearly did.

Chris grabbed the trolley and sprinted towards KG. As the trolley was about 5 metres away, KG jumped straight up and the trolley slammed into the back of his legs flicking him backwards into the cart. Another five metres and the trolley crashed leaving KG , Chris and Ste (who I think they crashed into) in an absolute wreck. Absolutely brilliant.

Following the recovery we walked up towards Yates but it was shut so Walkabout it was...


Most of em didn't stay long, Phil manged to pour his unwanted Blue WKD all over my arm just before he went. Cheers!

So that left me and KG. The DJ stuck some good tunes on for a sing song we ventured onto the dancefloor to see what the crack was. Literally after just bumping into this lass, KG was snogging the face off her. I turned round again and he was off upstairs with her. If anyone can pull quicker than that thenI'd be amazed. I was just about to follow them when this random lardhead pulls me across the dancefloor obviously impressed with my Xmas tree decorations which were draped over my neck.

"I like your bling man, ere mate seen this?" he slurred as he pulled out his Argos necklace.

"Nevermind son, at least mines real."

I went upstairs and found KG pretty much humping this lass against the wall and said me goodbyes.

Taxi home was with a complete numpty who tried everything to impress me for some reason including, "Me dad's a millionaire."

Perhaps I should have used the same reply I used above?

Check Flickr for some terrible photos of the night out.

KG, Pierre and Phil - if I've missed anything leave a comment.

Sunday, January 8

Summer 2005 Video

Here's a little video I knocked together a while back but looking at it again this afternoon it brings some quality memories back of the summer last year.

Click here to download.

Exclusive Boxing Day Footage

Here's Keith explaining to Pete just how I managed to be pushed over on Boxing Day. I believe the word is "Doink!".

Click here then click download.

Saturday, January 7

New Years Eve

Jeez, all these nights out over Xmas and New Year, am struggling to remember what happened!

But this is what happened on New Years Eve (I think)

Me, Mikey and Phil decided to stick to what we know best and headed to Middlesbrough to see in the New Year.

We decided on having a kitty (or a ticky as phil called it), so we all deposited £40 each and we'd just see how far that got us.

Dickens - We chilled out on the comfy sofas, and recapped Dales birthday, Boxing Day and 23rd December's shananigans. Also had a look back on what had been a glorious 2005.

Star - I think Phil got the drinks in, and I needed a piss or so I thought, but whilst relieving myself, I realised I needed more than piss, I was gone ages and could have shit through the eye of a needle!

Southfield - This lad got shot out for possessing some white powder that he shouldn't have, and as he was getting thrown out we starting singing "I predict a riot". The southfield also employed the worlds smallest bouncer who wouldn't be able to do fuck all if a fight broke out!

The Tavern - Mikey decided to start bluetoothing people random stuff off his phone, including a picture of me! I cottoned on and sent "Danielle" some hardcore porn off me phone, including a women sucking off a dog, unknown to us though they were stood behind us, all we could hear was "She's sucking that dogs bits" We were creased!!!

Taxi to Lloyds - As always with the taxi driver Mikey ripped the piss into out of him, but first of all none of us would get in the front, so we all squeezed into the back! Now the driver was a bit on the large size so Mikey asked him if he had ever heard of Slim fast! Once we'd got to Lloyds, Mikey paid the man, then ruffled the drivers man breasts.

Lloyds - It was dissappointingly quiet in here, but the DJ was handing out Bowties, so to get in the party spirit we all popped one on. We knocked a few shots of Black After Shock in here, which sent us doolally!

Yates - again dead in here, but it was pissing down so we decided to stop for a quick one, in fact it was that quick we were refused service, the reason TOO LOUD AND TO DRUNK. Whats that all about, well when I think of it, we had about 12 pretend New Years countdown, and sang a shit load of derrogatory songs about this poor lass who knew Phil.

Mikey asked if we were barred, the manageress said "no" well serve us then ya split arse!

HogsHead - Oh man, worse part of the night, these 2 shirtlifters starting kissing each other in the middle of the pub, Mikey went to spew up whilst Phil battered the fruit machine. "Ow puffters, fuck off home and stick Will Young on, don't want your sorts in here"

Trader Jacks - Lots of Ooah - Ooah's in here, but not much else, these lasses wanted our dick - ie bows but I wasn't letting mine go this early!

Vienna - we saw the new year in here, lots of hugging and hand shaking, plus the DJ totally fucked up the countdown, at the stroke of 12, the DJ played my ringtone, which was met with a huge raw, mainly by me like! It got a bit rubbish in here so we decided on Chicago Rock.

Chicago Rock - Our kitty had ran out, so we decided to chuck another £10 each in, which should see us through the remainder of the night. Chicago's charged a massive £10 each to get in, but once inside it was pretty good if I remember correctly, I scored with some lass I'm sure I've scored with before. We all lost our Bow ties, and left about 1.30am, to a pre booked taxi!

A cracking end to a cracking year!

Here's to 2006!

We hate Geordies, We hate Geordies

Newcastle United Vs Middlesbrough, St James Park 02/01/2006, Kick off 3pm.

Me, Pete and Chris had arranged to follow the Boro to Newcastle for our now yearly trip to Sid James Park, and the rigorous 14 flights of stairs.

We jumped (not literally) on the 10.32am train for Middlesbrough, the train seamed to last fr ever, well an hour and 20 mins anyway.

The train got fairly busy and as it stopped at Hartlepool, where some Newcastle fans got on, a chorus of "We hate Geordies" could be heard all along the train.

We got to Newcastle at 11.50, and headed straight for the pub, O'neils was just accross the road from the station and we followed a few Boro fans in here. It was fairly busy in here, and we laid into a few Stellas.

One funny incident in here, was when we talking about chris and Alex's up and coming wedding, Pete mentioned that you never take your wedding ring off, even if you play with it and twizzle it round, your phone will ring and you'll be grilled for tampering with your ring (make your own jokes up there) but at that Chris' phone rang and it was Alex! Freaky or what?

From O'neils we popped in Yates, where we caught a bit of the West Ham and Chelsea match. We then went in this pub Idols I think it was called who had strippers on, fair enough we thought. We went in and I got the drinks in, but the stripper had just finished, at this the DJ/Entertainer got on the mic saying where going to play a little game, we need a Newcastle fan and a Boro fan.

I think us 3 where the only Boro fans in there, and there was n way I was volunteering despite encouragement from the other 2.

So 2 geordies got up and predicted the score, one said 4-0 and the other said "Where gunna kill the cunts"

"Stupid Geordie Bastard" we all thought, then the DJ filled there mouths with marshmallows and got them to repeat what they had just said.

This pub was rough as fuck so we supped up and found another pub.

Lennons I think it was called, didn't stay in here long as it played Geordie songs, and this just pissed us off, so off to the ground we went.

"Oh shit the stairs" I had forgotten about them, all 14 of the bastards.

Anyhow we tackled them and they weren't as bad as thought, for some reason I had only counted 7 and we had reached the top, the Stella must had kicked in!

We whacked a few bets on, before finding our seats, we even bumped into Liverpool fan Ratman and gave him a few insults!

The atmosphere as aslways is superb away from home, but espeically at St James Park just as it was last season. We all know the match ended in a 2-2 draw, with Newcastle scoring with just 20 seconds to go.

Oh well never mind, at least we scored 2 goals, the feeling and buzz ya get when you score away from home is just incredible, something takes over your body and you act like an idiot, jumping up and down, hugging the person next to you and kissing the person in front. But its just not me, all 2'500 Boro fans did the same I think. A few lads in front of us even fell over!! Brilliant!! Its for moments like that why you spend your money and time following your beloved team!

After the match we went for a another pint before heading back to the station to catch the 6.30 train back home.

A cracking day out, as always following the Mighty Boro!

Soapstar Superstar

Last night, the wife and I sat down in front of the telly, to watch the latest non-events in the Big Brother house. However, whilst perusing the Sky+ planner, the missus noticed that she was also taping Soapstar Superstar.

"Can we watch it?"

"Go on then, but you know it's going to be shocking."

And shocking it was. It was so shocking though, that it transcended bad TV and became one of those "did you see that" car-crash telly moments.

First up, some bint from Emmerdale, who had to sing Bonnie Tyler's "I Need a Hero". She'd obviously had very little faith in her vocal chords and borrowed some from a small dormouse, as she was often inaudible above the deafening boredom from the audience.

Then after some mediocre performances came the highlight of the night. Nick Bailey (Doc Trueman in 'stenders) sang the Mike and the Mechanics 'classic' "over my shoulder". I say 'sang', I really mean 'destroyed out of all recognition'.

Dressed as a naughty schoolboy, and forced to sway on the spot whilst mumbling the most bland song in all of history, he really did look like he wanted to return to his dad's B&B in Walford. He was astonishingly, toe-curlingly awful.

But get this! He only went through! The gobby one out of Corrie and the fittish one out of Emmerdale are up for the chop tonight, at the start of the programme.

You have to watch it, just to see old Trueman demolish yet another classic tune. Be there, or be doing something infinitely more interesting instead.

Friday, January 6

"Celebrity" Big Brother

I was hooked in last night despite Davina McCall's best efforts to drive 50% of the viewing audience away from Channel 4's latest offering of Celebrity Big Brother. How annoying can one woman be? Christ!

Last night we saw 11 people of varying weirdness enter the truly dreadful Big Brother house. Whoever designs it needs a short sharp shock to the genitals because it looks an absolute mess. The house that is and not Pete Burns face. Although come to think of it.


The Women....

First off we had Chantelle who seemed fairly nice and normal, a good quality typical English bird. She was of course given a ludicrous task to pretend she was from pop band "Kandyfloss" (with a K as if we didn't need reminding 67 times) and their hit single was "I want it right now!". There's a number one in a few weeks time if ever I've seen one.

Traci Bingham was next in, sending the phwoar factor even further through the roof....

This former Baywatch babe, (nowt like casting well known English celebs anymore is there?) is not even much of a celebrity full stop anymore. At least she looks amazing.

As if the beauty factor wasn't good enough already then managed to send in Jordan hater Jodie Marsh in.

So three tasty birds followed by none other than, a might as well be dead actress....Rula Lenska. At least I think she's an actress. She could very well be a nursing home inmate as far as I know.

And finally we have Faria Allam - the woman who single handedly tried to bring out the best of Sven Goran Eriksson, or was that bring off?

As you can see in the above picture it appears as though Faria is also filling in for Michael Aspel on This is Your Life.

Jodie Marsh might just have the fan base to pull off a surprise victory here I reckon.

The Men....

Michael Barrymore - Following a five minute standing ovation (hey - there were no seats and wouldn't you be happy that barrymore was being locked up for a few weeks?!) he finally got through the doors and began leering at the women, oh and the men.

Preston - the Ordinary Boys band's lead singer. Should be a booster for this pretty good band. Maybe a surprise winner? Give it a few days before I slate him.

Dennis - "Cross dressing, basketball legend, party animal, "I've given some good shit to Madonna" - Rodman - probably walk out after walking in and being shocked at just how bad it looked. Sorry Dennis but Pete Burns is real.

And we then have George "Get your tongue out of Saddam's arse" Galloway. "Gorgeous George" as he's know to his mates (he must never be called that then) is my tip for first out.

"Guns don't kill people, rappers do!!!" It's Maggot from Goldie Looking Chain who has gained the status of best BB entrance ever when he completely blanked Pete Burns in his thick Welsh accent...

"You won't know me, I'm just here to make the numbers up."

Pete Burns - I'm not going to give a picture because a Google search might risk me running into those pictures they showed last night of his manky lips. And boy do I not want to ever see those again!

So the big question is why, oh why, wasn't John McCrirrick invited back?

This could be one very entertaining series. Simply put, you have a bunch of certified L'Heads in there!

My picks for the final three....Jodie Marsh, Maggot and Preston.

Thursday, January 5


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Wednesday, January 4

Quiet Xmas Eve

Xmas eve was attended by the hardcore contingent of myself and KG. Quick recap cos nothing remotely amazing happened though it was one of the funniest nights out all year for straight off laughs and one liners.

Dickens Inn, Star and Garter , The Southfield and The Tavern were all fairly busy. Some proper lardheads came into the Southfield wrapped like presents. If I'd been that tiny bit drunker Christmas no doubt would have come far earlier!

Then took in the delights of Lloyds, Yates, Trader Jacks, Walkabout, Blue, The Terrace and then finished in Vienna.

Poor driver got absolutely hammered on the way home. I was actually home earlier than me mam and dad which must be a first for 2005.

Coming in the next few days, Boxing Day and New Years Eve - both crackers!!!

One Long All Dayer

This was such a big night out and so much stuff happened. Plus I've forgotten half of it and have lost the will to post at the minute.

Phil picked us up at 1.30ish with his dad and Graham who took us over Stockton. Challenge comes through on Phil's phone from KG (who was on his Xmas do with work):

"See if you can get Mikey on Pubwatch by 3.00pm!"

Started off in Trader Jacks here and had a couple of pints before being joined by Moss and then moving on to Horners where we got served up 4 shots of this stuff which had two aftershocks and shot of Sambuka mixed. Not nice. Then moved on to Goldies for some big Xmas tunage. I was pretty much gone already at 4.30ish. Only another 10 hours left eh!.

We tried Thomas Sheraton but it was 8 deep at the bar so went down the other end of the High Street to the Royal Oak and then the Crown and Anchor for a spot of pool.

Grahams missus then picked us up and took me and Phil to Boro. Moss nearly broke me arm on the way there for one flick too many. When we got to the Dickens the two of us got and statrted pushing each other. This soft touch who was stood outside gives it, "Away lads, it's Christmas, calm down!" Had a scuffle in the car park and then shook hands before dying in the Dickens Inn. The two of us (me and Phil) just collapsed in here on the settees just absolutely out of it.

We were wrecked from here onwards including the Star and Garter and then the Southfield.

We then hit Lloyds, Yates, Hogshead, Trader Jacks and Walkabout before finally being told that KG was in Lloyds.

Met up with KG and all his work buddies in here and then toured the same route again...Yates, Walkabout, Blue, Terrace, Vienna and then ended up in Chicago Rock which was absolutely shocking.

An absolute epic of a night out. It's too big to even go through each pub. Me and Phil kept pace for an astonishing 31 drinks each and 4 shots of lethal crap in Stockton.

KG also finished the night in style but we won't go into that!!!


May offend 'religious types'.

Tuesday, January 3

Welcome Back

We're back!

It's 2006, and that can only mean we've got more wallet based idiocy to bring you, more nights out, more links, more daft ideas and more of everything we did before!

Keep an eye on this site for a few special future plans that, well, we might not actually even have thought up yet!

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