Saturday, December 30

Happy Birthday Dale

Happy Birthday Chief!




















It's Dale's Birthday! Look, here he is with his Spiderman stuff! He fucking loves Spiderman, does Dale. I think it's the tight lycra and the nerdy-bloke-becomes-superhero bit that sends him into blissful dreams at night.

Anyway chief, have a good 'un, we'll no doubt see more of you as the night wears on!

As an additional gift to you fella (and hey, to all of you in fact!), click here to see some real cute pussy!

Thursday, December 28

Dream Team Update

We know you lot have been waiting forever so I've taken it on myself (as Pete never reads the Sun) to give us an all important update on the scores. And, I am so glad I did....

1st Me- 771 points
2nd Dale and Emma - 729pts
3rd Keith - 729pts (alphabetic mate, sorry!!)
4th Graham - 715pts
5th Joanne - 679pts
6th Pete - 650pts
7th KG Senior - 649pts
8th JB Heaney - 524pts
9th Annette - 304pts

We have a transfer window soon as well don't we?

Slightly Late (I've not been well....)

Sunday, December 24

Merry Christmas Chiefs!

We at the Wallet wish you and your's a very merry Chrimbo, and hey, even a happy new year.

Now get drinking. I expect your livers to be fucked when we see you next.

Wednesday, December 13

New Tin Tin



Getting me through life these cartoons.

Tuesday, December 12

More Blasphemy

Friday, December 8

Trip To Tottenham - Pew, Pew, Barney McGrew etc.







































































































Of course, that's a joke with no malice involved.

Myself, KG and tiny-part-time walleteer Emma Miller went to Tottenham the other night. Spurs, of course, are well known for their Jewish-ness (Jewosity?), but hey, we Boro fans are too proud to take advantage of that to provide some funny songs, aren't we?

Well, 499 of the 500 Teessiders present were too proud, but one of our mob, one of 500 who had gone out of their way to see a Tuesday night game, thought this would be fucking brilliant.

Chants were exchanged; "You've never won fuck all!" came the Spurs hordes, clearly ignorant of that famous day in Cardiff when KG drank most of Wales dry. We expertly responded with, er, "You've never won fuck all!" when in fact Spurs have won fucking loads. First team to do the domestic double methinks? Anyhow.

It went on like this for a while, until, unexpectedly, a cockney voice (MFC supporters south) pipes up with; "There's only one Rudolf Hess!"

Fucking hell! Big strong innit? Nervous laughter echoed around the away end. Nobody knew where to look. KG asked who Rudolf Hess was. I told him he was the keyboard player in Spandau Ballet, which wasn't totally without truth. But then....

Cockney anti-semite comes up with: "Can you smell the gas?! Can you smell the gas?!"

Jesus H Christmas, is this bloke for real?

Incredibly, with the sound of 44,500 spurs fans echoing around us, he then adds "tsssss! tsssss!"

I was sat two feet in front of him. I could barely make it out,never mind the opposition, but when I clicked on I just started giggling to myself at the pointlessness of it all. Not as much as Mikey did the next day when we related the tale to him.

A sad story. That such a brainless idiot can't let events from 60 years ago live in the past, rather than use them as provocation in a sporting arena. A sad day for Boro all round.

Ashamed to belong to the same club as this ignorant fucker.

Thursday, December 7

The Funniest Thing I Have Seen All Year

Wednesday, December 6

"Even the best drummers get hungry!"

Yes this is Keith Moon playing a drum set, filled with water and with goldfish swimming in them...



Legend. Have a read here.

Especially the bit about the hotel manager complaining about the noise.

Apparently Mike Myers of Austin Powers fame is set to play him in an upcoming biopic. Linky.

Sunday, December 3

"Ah well, Best laid plans", thought Luthor.



















































Stolen from B3ta. Again.

KG Has a Paper Cock















Some photos from Redcar last week. Click the Pic.

Best Joke Ever

Told to us as a genuine story in a pub in London.

Many years ago, this Geordie fella wants a bit of work before chrimbo, and he's heard the streets of London are paved with gold. He hears through the grapevine that sometimes the owners of the big London building contracts hang around on the Tyne bridge looking for contractors.

So, he goes to the Tyne bridge early one morning, and sure enough, he bags a building contract in the big smoke. Only problem is, how's he going to get there? He notices another bloke, and asks him how he's getting there.

"Well, I've got a car, but it's not very reliable so I stop so far down, and do the trip in 2 days. Stops the car conking out too much. You can tag along if you like."

So he tags along. During the journey, he asks about where they'll be spending the night.

"Lovely little guest house, just outside London. Nice landlady. Only thing is, she's deaf."

"Deaf?"

"Yeah, but it's no bother, it's lovely, trust me."

After a slow journey punctuated with break downs, they finally arrive, exhausted, at the guest house. After a hot bath, the pair sit down to have a spot of supper. The landlady brings out their food.

"HERE YOU ARE LADS," she shouts, "SOME SUPPER FOR YOU. BEFORE YOU TUCK IN THOUGH, CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE YOU'RE FROM?"

"Saltburn,"says the driver of the car, but there is no response.

"It's OK," the driver says to his friend, "watch this."

He takes some salt from the cellar on the table, quickly lights a match and burns the salt away.

"AH, YOU'RE FROM SALTBURN! WHAT ABOUT YOU THEN?"

"Fuck's sake," says the contractor, "that's no good to me!"

"Why not?"

"I'm from Cockermouth!"

Christmas in Middlesbrough

Or, Xmas for Arseholes, Part 1.

Myself and the missus went to Middlesbrough this morning. We had no real need to go. It was a fucking mistake.

Parking was easy. For a change, the car park behind the banks ahd been forsaken by the masses, and a space was easily nabbed. This is where the problems began.

You see, once out of your car, you have to walk. This is an easy procedure, I have been performing this task since the age of about 2, one foot in front of the other. It is an easy form of propulsion. I'm sure you'll agree.

But no. You have discounted the imbeciles in Middlesbrough. While they aren't lapping up warm beer served in shite, soul-less pubs by neanderthals, they are out getting in people's way. My way.

It goes thus:

Me: "Look, here comes another identikit goth, walking down the middle of an otherwise deserted street. He has seen me, I know he has, he will move across to let me past, and I will move subtley in the opposite direction, and our journey's shall continue"

Goth: "Look, here comes some bloke let's fuck him up by dancing with him"

Me: " I know he knows I'm here. Why isn't he moving to one side?"

Goth: "I have no morals! Listening to dull US rock has made me like this!"

Me: "Oh, no! I'm going to have to do a little poncey side step round him now!"

Goth: "Ha, look at his poncey side step. He must be gay."

Me: "Says you ya floppy fringed Goth cunt, come here ya little student puff, I'm gonna smack ya!"

Alright, perhaps not the last bit. But why can't they just move one step, quite literally, laterally? It gets worse. Gangs of teenage chav lasses walk in the sort of tight formation that Roman Centurions would have been proud of. Pregnant women with pushchairs think they should have a twenty foot bubble of protection on all sides. Fat blokes in 10 year old Errea coach coats, shouting about "last fahkin' noight" with a mockney accent, into a brick shaped mobile, walk as if they are on the Utah salt flats - unlikely to meet anyone so no point in getting out of the way.

In an ideal world, people would have the manners and common courtesy to move aside, or at least move in the opposite direction to you. This is the worst of all, when someone goes the same way. Then the same way again, and again, and again. Line dancing in the Cleveland Centre is not a good look, let me tell you. I hadn't even brought my ten gallon hat.

I'm going to the Metro Centre this week. 10,000 Geordies stand between me and Boots. They will all, with the sort of timing that would shame the finest swiss clock manufacturers, move the same way as me.

I hate shopping. The stores wonder why Internet buying is on the rise. It's infinitely easier, and unless you're using a 17 year old lads PC, far fewer twats to deal with.

Heroes of the Wallet # 2 - Oliver Reed

Reed caused David Letterman to lose his footing by pulling him forward during their greeting handshake; punctuated the interview by adopting an American accent, pointing at the camera and claiming “I’m after you, Stallone”; replied to Letterman’s questions in German; spoke nonsense claiming he was a fisherman who wore boots in his ears; took the piss out of Letterman’s nose by pressing his own down in imitation; and removed his glasses and stared Letterman down, forcing Letterman to plead to band leader, Paul Schaffer to accompany him.

In fact, on both sides of the Atlantic, Reed became well known for his “performances” on chat shows. On The Merv Griffin Show in the 70s, Reed sat listening attentively whilst Griffin reeled off some anecdote about Peter O’Toole in order to illustrate the temperamental nature of English actors. After enduring the entire story, Reed sat forward and, quite politely, pointed out that O’Toole was in fact Irish, and not English. More famously still, he once asked perma-tanned British talk show host Richard Madley why he had “orange skin”.


For more of this sort of thing (7 pages no less), click here.

November in Review

Good day readers of the Wallet, here is my monthly look back on things good and not so good that happened in November.

Thanks go to Chris and Alex were very kind and put on quite the display at their house. There was even a rare sighting of a hippo in the back garden at one point but it turns out it was just KG bending over to light the next firework.

A week later (11th), me and KG cruised on into Middlesbrough for a night on the lash. It weren't a bad little night, very little of note to mention though - nights out have gotten stale as of late, so we are having a little break now until Xmas. One thing I will mention though is the fact that we decided to walk home (we got as far as the Vauxhall garage on the A66 before KG needed a sandwich and a taxi driver was kind enough to take us home).

Phil invited me, KG and Pete to a boxing night at Marton Country Club on the 23rd for a night out as well as to celebrate Barry's (Phil's Dad) birthday.

It was a cracking night, a three course roast beef dinner followed by 12 three round fights where kids ranging from I would say 8 to 18 smashed the hell out of each other. It was in fact preceeded by a fight in the reception area between two blokes which sprawled on to the car park when we first went in - nice warm welcome there! There was two amatuer clubs represented, Belfast, Holy Trinity and South Bank. Hard as nails the lot of 'em.

KG: I wonder if Mike Hunt won the raffle?

Phil: Wonder what they spent the butter on?

Then a whole load of us went out in Redcar last Saturday. Not a bad little night out but again, lacking a bit of spark or something new to get us excited. Elgins has been done out. I say done out, it has had some new uphostlery fitted to the chairs. Not quite the make over the Star and Garter had is it?

Bagged a copy of Jackass 2 on DVD which I will highly recommend to anyone who is a fan. Some quality stuff on it like the mouse in the snake tank, and the bull against this 4 way seesaw thing(which is insane!). Worse than this....



Little Britain Live, Paddy McGuinness Live and Chubbs Live have all been watched - all are quality, especially Chubbs who is back right on form. I also read his autobiography which is pretty good.

Chubby Brown, going by his book, could be the hardest man who ever lived.




Is that it for November? Think so, bit of a quiet one but still had plenty of fun...roll on XMAS!!!!

Ebay

I've been caning ebay recently with a back catalogue of dodgy shirts bought over the years which were never worn and if they were - got laughed at.

One problem though, ebay decides at times to be very weird. So having spent the best part of two hours descirbing shirts in minute detail I was pretty shocked to find that I ended up with the same shirt for sale 7 times. It was as though it couldn't keep up with each new shirt I entered and I had suddenly become a major player in the fashion industry.

There probably is some answer to why it does this that some IT wizard (Pete?) can explain but I imagine that some old duffer selling off her kids clothes that they have grown out of would be quite shocked to find a bulk order from Mothercare sat in her inbox.

Sort it out ebay!!

Dream Team Update

Scores currently stand as follows:

Me: 600

Everyone Else: Who cares.

Tuesday, November 28

Xmas mash Up

I was going to do "A Little Wallet Xmas Treat", but there's no way in this world I can top these.

Click here and scroll down quite a way for some excellent Xmas mash up action from DJ Riko.

These are superb, spot on for a CD in the car.

Sunday, November 26

The BW Crisp-and-Dry Fantasy Soccer

Update time chiefs!

1 Mike Heaney 547
2 Joanne Heaney 521
3 Dale and Emma Miller 519
4 KG Jnr 511
5 Graham Newton 497
6 Peter Heaney 477
7 KG Snr 453
8 Joe Heaney 292
9 Annette Newton 235

Doesn't include Satda's or Sunda's games, due to the Sun newspaper's non existant work ethic.

Wednesday, November 22

Chic Rock

We do go to some nice places when we are out don't we!!!

Click Rock

Sunday, November 19

Deja Vu

Have you seen the trailer for this? What's the crack like?

Deja Vu

Have you seen the trailer for this? What's the crack like?

Friday, November 17

For Joanne's Benefit

Tuesday, November 7

"Now then Manhead!"

More Tintin. Awesome stuff.

Tintin 6

Tintin 7

Tintin 8

Saturday, November 4

The BW Deep Heat Fantasy Footy 2006/2007

1 Dale and Emma Miller 419
2 KG Jnr 410
3 Joanne Heaney 392
4 Mike Heaney 392
5 KG Snr 387
6 Graham Newton 364
7 Peter Heaney 360
8 Joe Heaney 184
9 Annette Newton 175

A long, long way to go yet. But still, go on the Millers!

Friday, November 3

Tintin is actually from Boro

Class some of these videos. Clicky.

Thursday, November 2

You Tube

Anyone noticed that since Google bought it shed loads of videos aren't there anymore? Bastards.

Monday, October 30

New Songs

Hola everyone, I've got 4 new tunes up on MySpace for your listening pleasure. Check em out here...

The Upbeat Glass Smash

Why Keith is putting off the Phone Upgrade

Click.

Photo Time

Friday saw the fab 4, myself, KG, Phil and Kathryn gatecrash an 18th party - Vicky someone. Doesn't matter as we had a cracking night and Phil managed to dribble a little bit of spew from the corner of his mouth. Well done you old slag for becoming the most minging we have ever seen you. No pics of that incident unfortunately but if anyone can explain this...

And on Saturday Phil and Kathryn pulled off a cracker of a night at their cobweb infested Halloween party and there a few pics to add to Pete's on my Flickr.

Special guests Take That took home the 'costume of the night' awards...


For all my pics click here.

For Pete's horrific collection click here.

Great days.

Sunday, October 29

Sherlock Holmes in.......

The Easiest Case Ever.

Big Halloween Bash
















Emma's mask was ultra-scary.

For more gruesome images, click here!

Wednesday, October 25

Extinction

Last night, I had some Findus Crispy Pancakes for tea.

As an indicator of man’s progression throughout the ages, the marriage of synthetic bread crumbs, mince and gravy shows that we are clearly the dominant species on the planet. I mean, which other species can rustle up a tasty, nutritious foodstuff without actually putting any food in it?

None of them.

While I was filling my face with Crispy Pancake, I had the 6.30 news on ITV blasting in my ear. they were telling me that as a human, I had some sort of responsibility for the size of ‘Man’s footprint’ on the ecosystem. Now, my feet are pretty big but surely i couldn’t be wiping out animals just by walking about could I? Spiders maybe, but pandas?

Apparently, it’s our fault. Pandas are getting the shitty end of the stick because we have become the bastards of planet Earth. We’re using everything up so fast, that according to men in white coats we need 2 planets to survive for much longer. Fair enough, a mess of our own making. We’ll sort it.

Not sure what this has to do with Pandas though, who spent much of the report being eyed up by David Suchet, old Poirot himself. No wonder they won’t have sex with each other. Pandas, not pandas and Suchet....

“It’s hard to believe,” lamented Suchet, expertly employing the BBC English he used when portraying the Belgian Poirot “There are only enough of these creatures left to fill the stalls at the Albert Hall.”

Superb luvvie analogy to highlight the plight of these cuddly teddies Poirot, but the vast majority of the world haven’t seen the stalls at the Albert Hall, never mind from the stage. I mean, use a slightly more down to earth reference; not enough Pandas to fill the north stand at the Boro? No, not Boro fans either most of the time.

In the case of 99% of extinct/almost extinct animals were mown down by man. Dodos, tigers, elephants and rhinos, all sacrificed for some amazing delicacy or medical property. But pandas? No. Rubbish.

Pandas are nearly gone because they are fucking hopeless. Lumbering, awkward creatures who do literally nothing all day, who‘ve been suckered as much as the public into thinking they are shafted.

They only eat a specific kind of bamboo, so don’t stray far from a certain area. They do literally nothing, like a Grangetown doley, looking for their next sympathy vote. Pandas should have been fine. But then scientists decided to count them, and the numbers looked worrying. Now they almost totally refuse to get it on, thinking they will be OK till dole day, and the numbers are running down seriously.

OK, if you’re an green, you will tell me about the trade in panda fur. Fair enough, but what about wool? Everyone has a woolly jumper, but there’s no danger of sheep disappearing is there?

Pandas need to seriously adapt to the world. Run about a bit. Go to the gym. Eat Crispy Pancakes. Watch some Frankie Vaughan.

Pandas are simply the end of the evolutionary line for that species. Failure to adapt in time causes them to be dangerously near extinction. But it’s not us that have done the damage. Darwin’s law has struck gold, but this time right in front of us, not 65 million years ago when it expertly did the dinosaurs over.

So, it’s not just us. We are shit-houses. We do now have an ecological conscience.

But pandas are just taking the piss.

Tuesday, October 24

The BW Sun-Pat Fantasy Football 2006/2007

1 Joanne Heaney 339
2 KG Jnr 339
3 Dale and Emma Miller 324
4 Mike Heaney 307
5 Graham Newton 302
6 Peter Heaney 301
7 KG Snr 266
8 Joe Heaney 149
9 Annette Newton 147

Apologies for any hopes that may have been falsely raised and then dashed against the rocks of disappointment, like ships in a gusty night.

The biggest spurt of Dale's life lands in Mikes lap, giving the leaderboard a shuffle, with everything to play for!

Transfers and other announcements on the forum!

Monday, October 23

Galatasary vs. Pigbag

We have a winner....

Fantasy Pissing Footy - Not Playing Anymore - Update

It's rubbish anyway. It doesn't reflect your footballing knowledge in any way, shape or form.

Ain't that right Mike?

1 Joanne Heaney 339
2 KG Jnr 331
3 Dale and Emma Miller 324
4 Graham Newton 302
5 Peter Heaney 284
5 Mike Heaney 284
7 KG Snr 266
8 Annette Newton 147
9 Joe Heaney 136

And by the way Mike, I know that with Alphabetical order you should be above me, but you haven't just programmed the spreadsheet thingy with the transfers have you? So ner-ner-ner.

Photos

Just spent a good 2 hours making a white hot post with all my photo's , awesome one liners and then it decided to sort of, you know, just like Blogger usually manages to do disappear right before my eyes.

So here you go...make your own conclusions. Blogger is too unreliable and won't let me!!

Click.

Sunday, October 22

Stuff I Want For Xmas

Well it is heading that way. Boots, BHS, Smiths et al are all jacked up with decks, shit gift sets and pretty much all of last years unsold stock.

And with this Sunday afternoon being a bit of a snooze fest for me, I thought I'd a have a look about and see what caught my eye. Anyway, here's a few ideas for all of you who will be buying me pressies this year. That means you!!

So, we have...

A nice new wallet. Hopefully filled with stacks of cash. Here's the range on the Yoox page. £82.00 for a wallet? I don't think so like.

Saw a lovely coat in Debenhams as well the other day but it's not online. It's a sort of grey jackety type thing but anyway, leave that one. A voucher will do for that.

Love, the new Beatles album from the Cirque De Soleil show which is meant to be pretty mint by all accounts. Apparently Heather and Paul are going to court shortly but I don't think Heather has a leg to stand on. (And that joke is coming soon to a Chubby Brown show near you).

Fair few DVD's are kicking about as well all brought out in time for Xmas. One particular one am after having seen a fair bit on You Tube (but has since been removed) it is now on the wishlist and that is Carl Perkins and Friends.

I'm also after a decent but cheapish acoustic guitar. I particularly like this one. But that's not cheap!

Books as well. They come out by the shed load in time for Christmas. The Peter Kay one, "The Sound of Laughter" I imagine is a good read as well as this QI one, Jamie Olivers one and Palin's Python Diaries.

What else then?

So much to choose from I tell you what though it's quite good this picking stuff out, plus I might get some good pressies this year!!

Well, what do you want for Christmas? Discuss in the Forum here.

October Reviewed

Well it's been a big old month, money has been spent, Nigerians have been told to import phones from elsewhere and ice skating is just not for me.

As it comes up to payday again, I like to review the finances, see what the score is and usually try to work out where £100 or so has dissapeared. Usually in the pub.

This month kicked off with all the usual bills. Credit card, lodge, loan and also having to pay Bon Prix (classy online clothes shop - yeah right) a colossal £31 back as they managed to refund me for a pair of jeans. Twice. Well that was the debts out of the way. Now on to the fun.

I have to say, us lot have calmed down over the last few months or so. Middlesbrough has been done so many times that we have lost interest and have started to enjoy a nice few pints round Normanby and Eston or, 'The Bronx' as it is quickly becoming.

Murders, coke abuse (not the soft drink), family fueds. It's like going for a pint in your very own episode of the Sopranos. However, it is enjoyable and cheap. Not that we are getting tight in our old age. So the first few weekends we really enjoyed the delights of some of our local pubs, just for a change.

But this weekend myself and Phil returned to the town last night for what was a very good night out. The Star, formerly the Star and Garter has been done out and I mean done out. It could be the best pub in Boro now. I will post some photos of some lovely and not so lovely ladies from Walkabout for you all later.

Young Keith stayed in for a Chinese I think (I'll let KG explain that one).

Anyway, on to Nigeria.

If you have ever sold a mobile phone on ebay you may have come across an e-mail like this...

Dear seller,

I saw this item much envitiable to what i'd need as a gift for my Son who is on an intensive programme with chevron abroad. Firstly i have know the perfect working condition of this item and if you'll be able to allow me to purchase it right away,if yes then i'll be glad to offer you 400GBP including the shipping and handling via Roayal mail or DHL, as i can't wait till bid ends,and also i'll like to ask if you be able to realeased item for shippment upon receiving the payment confirmation from Money Gram stating that your money has been confirmed.Basically i will be paying you via Money Gramcos is fast and secure pls if this is ok by you kindly get back to me with your details like Full name, full contact address and your valid email address so that i can make the payment right away..looking forward to read from you. reply me back to this email address bellow lian_dennisrealbuyer1@yahoo.com Mrs Lian Dennis.

I got at least 20 of these e-mails which were all met with a pleasant reply from my goodself...."No fucking chance."

I managed to sell what can only be described as the most battered Sony Ericsson k750i you've seen and, for an unbelievable £90. It has been dropped, chewed, slept on, scratched, thrown at walls and I imagine the poor bloke in Wales who bought it is probably fuming that he never read the advert properly.

Ice Skating. Or Rail Hugging as I have now christened it. It's not big and it's not clever. It could be the most pointless activity known to man. And, when you are 'Rail hugging' and a little twat faced kid glides past and then, as if to mock me, proceeds to line dance on his skates it does nothing for your confidence. They are trying to save the rink at the Billingham Forum or in fact, the whole building. I say: CLOSE IT NOW.

So what else?

Dream Team will be getting a full update shortly from Pierre. If the Sun sorted it's website out we would know what the scores are so we shall see. Mind you, I think Mr Shevchenko has put me top.

The Upbeat Glass Smash has 4 new tunes ready to go on 1st November. New friends in the past week or so include, Les Dennis, Harold Bishop, Toadfish, Sir Trevor McDonald and Richard Whitely who, as I understand it, is currently dead.

Extras Series 2 was just flat out brilliant. Thank the lord for BBC 2's website showing the full episode otherwise five a side would have meant me missing it all.

Oh and I almost forgot about the Ball my works held the other week at Crathorne Hall to celebrate it's 10 year anniversary. A cracking little do and a splendid time was guaranteed for all. Free bar as well. Quality. A few pics from that as well will be up on Flickr later. I ended up being allocated the 'Bishop' room. I took a bit of a bashing for that one. Wahey!

Also make sure to visit our forum which is a hive of activity at the minute.

Tuesday, October 17

This Whole Transfer Thing

I had a look on Dream Team tonight via the Suns website and couldn't find the post transfer window scores for my new players. Can anyone help?

Also to clarify after I have read the rules, you retain the points that your three transfers had scored for you. So that's 23 in the bag for me.

And Pete...just who is top of the league, say who is top of the league? (No Fred Elliott gag intended. RIP Fred.)

Sunday, October 15

Telemarketing

Funny as this.

Friday, October 13

Every Breath You Take

You know when someone's watching you, and you can feel their eyes boring into the back of your head?

Horrible isn't it? Now imagine it for a week. A fucking week!

You see, caravan 31 at Thorpe Park contained Mr Zacariah Marshall Spark, or Zack to you and me. The opposite caravan, 41 I think, contained more melodrama than a fortnight of Eastenders. In 41 were the odd couple. A pair of cousins, apparently, who would implore their hard luck stories upon us every time we met; the best of which contained a brown Staffordshire bull terrier of which Zack is one. Of those.

Zack, yesterday.

"Awww, isn't he luvvvvvverllllyyy?" Said the woman from 41 "Just like Amber (I think) was." Was. Past tense.

"She died not so long ago," says 41 "a fox got hold of her and she died from the complications. Very sad. That's why I watch you in the caravan. To see the dog."

COURSE IT IS YOU NOSEY OLD BAG

With Zack quickly retreating to a more sensible position between my legs, we moved on. Bit scary, eh? It gets better.

Next day, we saw the man from 41. Like a beardless Santa with a hint of Reg Holdsworth, he was a bit, er, strange. He could turn the conversation to either of two subjects with alarming ease - his cat, at home sulking and awaiting his return - or HIS DEAD WIFE.

So, for a week we've been watched by a mad dog-less old spy and her widowed moggy-worrying cousin.

We had to get out (which was the plan anyway) and get out we did. Tuesday morning, after a carefully timed Zack stroll, avoiding the neighbourhood watch over the road. With the glint of the digital camera becoming too much, we descended upon Cleethorpes itself. I say descended, because you really couldn't go down any further.

Cleethorpes Promenade. Cars digitally added.

The promenade at Cleethorpes consists of a big long road that drops off from the main stretch, passes some arcades and then leads to a roundabout to send you back from whence you came. That's it. At least 60% of the main seafront is brick wall, which you drive past once, and then turn round for a better look. The arcades are all identikit two shutter efforts with all the same machines, including the most unfair teddy grabbers ever. The wife tried to 'grab' a Winnie the Pooh, only to find the claw had less pulling power than the annual Christopher Reeve paraplegic tug 'o war championships. Rip off. For reference, the next cabinet actually contained teddy poos, like brown turd shaped teddies, if you get my drift. Who would want a teddy shaped like a shite?

In the evening, we ventured into the 'entertainment' complex, which should be receiving a visit from trading standards about now. The duo, a lad and lass, were just wrong. The bird had the most booming, Brian Blessed style voice, while the bloke sang with a lovely falsetto. It was just wrong. They were just shit.

The Deep, from the wrong side of the Humber.

Wednesday came, and with the glint of high power infra red binoculars from over the road becoming too much, we shut the curtains and fucked off to the Deep in Hull. We were promptly stung for (and I quote the wife) "two pound fucking seventy!" to "cross a fucking bridge" and arrived at The Deep. You have to go here, but follow the signs and not the totally hopeless SatNav thingy, which expertly dumped us on the wrong side of the River Humber. D'oh! Eventually we got to the correct side, and ventured into The Deep. It was superb; a well spent 8 quid if only for the huge shark that looked like it owned the place, and very possibly did.

A big shark, apparently named Amy. Pussy.

If you like fish, you'll love the Deep. If you like chips as well, then you're stuffed. Back to Cleethorpes, for the England match. We watched this in the bar on the site, where 30 or so Scotsmen pointed out that they beat France on Satda, and the majority of England's failings, but neglected to comment when the latest Ukrainian goal went in. Odd that.

Shevchenko scores! Scotland ignores!

On Thursday morning, with the glint of the newly installed tracking satellite equipment across the road becoming too much, we jumped in the car and drove the arduous and single laned road into Lincoln.

It was OK. That’s it. To generalise, it was full of nerds. Every other person was either a student scrounger or a foppishly fringed expensively dressed metrosexual. I felt so scruffy, that I was forced to walk round with my head in a bag.

Well, not quite but you know what I mean. They say everywhere has rough element (more on this later) but Lincoln simply hasn’t. I bet the police force is the most under worked in the country, every one is so nice and happy and stylish and self satisfied. It was awful. Like one of those utopian ideals from the future, even the pensioners skipped along with a spring in their step, whilst the teens kept a knowing eye on them, just in case...

Some nerds, possibly from Lincoln, but more likely Springfield.

We could own Lincoln. A small gang of Boro lads could have the place on it’s knees in no time. A chav mayor for Lincoln. I like it.

Later on, with the glint of the 500,000,000,000,000 candle power spotlights becoming too much, we went out for Chinese with one of the wife’s transport suppliers. Firstly, into a Wetherspoons for a few beers, along with all the old Grimsby alcoholics. Nice conversation, nice beer, nice pub, until A BIG FUCK OFF FIGHT STARTED NEXT TO ME AND SENT BLOOD, TABLES AND DRINKS SPILLING ACROSS THE FLOOR, WHILST SEVERAL OF WETHERSPOONS FINEST SPRINTED IN THEIR BEST SLOW MOTION TOWARDS THE RUCK. None of mine, nor my company’s blood, or more importantly beer, was spilt. All was well. It was the polar opposite of Lincoln; it was real, not clean and perfect. It was brilliant.

An unhappy Sea Bass, not at The Deep.

Across the road then, to the Chinese, and more beer, and a sea bass. You heard. We chose a dish each and the guy who took us out asked the waitress to choose a fish dish for us. Sea bass. It arrived, and with unsteady hands and a not very well hidden look of fear we all sampled it. It was fucking stupendous. Very possibly the finest main meal I have ever experienced. Many more beers later, we were dropped off back at the caravan, next to SURVEILLANCE STATION ALPHA ONE. It was our last night.

The morning of the day I typed this, with the glint of the Hubble telescope becoming too much, we set off home. It was murder. Accident after accident and visibility reducing fog meant we could only see 200 yards in front of us, and we had to stick to a safety first speed of 95 mph. Ridiculous.

We pretty much avoided the odd couple for the rest of the week. We saw the Holdsworth/Santa mongrel once, but parted with a “Hello” and that was it. Perhaps he did hear me shout “There’s that weirdo!” in the caravan with the windows open. Anyway, if you’re reading this, Reg Claus, then a bit of advice. We all have shit in our lives. But don’t impart the shit to people who are on their holidays.

It has a tendency to put a downer on an otherwise total result of a holiday.

Monday, October 9

Transfer News

With the dream team window in full swing, you'll have seen Pete's post, here is an update on mine and 'our' Dad's teams.

I have gotten rid of two Boro numpties. Mark Schwarzer and Stuey Downing as Boro are looking to have an absolutely dire season.

Brought in are, Sorenson from Villa and Parker at Newcastle who are both in cracking form.

I've also dumped Konchesky from West Ham and brought in Mellberg, who also from Villa as they are now officially good.

Joseph H has dumped Pascal Cygan (he's in a different country now), that welsh git Bellamy and spat out the Greek guy, Stelios. He's brought in Agger, Saha and Ronaldo. Watch out for Joe H to start climbing the ladder now.

Time to ditch the DEADWOOD!!!

Follwing on from Mikey's post, here are my October transfers.

Out goes West Ham's dissapointing Danny Gabbidon, really thought he would have kicked on from a solid 1st season in the prem last year. In comes Meite from Bolton, cracking start to the season, another cracking find from Bent Big Sam.

Transfer 2 is Bye Bye Fabio Rochembach, altho one of Boro's best performers this season, he just aint scoring in the eyes of the Sun, and theres no room for sentiment in The Craddocks of Eston, sponsored Dream Team. In comes Seoul from Reading, a great start from the Korean under the watching eye of Steve Coppell.

My last transfer is, See you later Corraddi, from Man Citeh, and hello Benni McCarthey from Blackburn Rovers, a striker bang in form, and I expect him to continue his scoring in a strong Rovers team.

So there we go KG was already in a strong postion before I ditched my deadwood, watch me run away with this competition now!!!

Sunday, October 8

The Upbeat Glass Smash

I've put myself back on MySpace. Click here to have a look and say hello. Oh and make sure you add me.

Current friends include Jeff Stelling and Frank Butcher!!

Borat

Thanks to Cracked.com here is a collection of Borat and his top 10 sketches. Spot on funny.

Click.

The BW Ronseal Fantasy Footy 2006 Latest!

1 Peter Heaney 235
2 Mike Heaney 230
3 KG Jnr 222
4 Joanne Heaney 217
5 Graham Newton 216
6 Millers 211
7 KG Snr 207
8 Joe Heaney 103
9 Annette Newton 85

Transfers have to be in by Satda! I have emailed the necessary people!

EXCITEMENT MOUNTS!

Saturday, October 7

Dream Team Transfer Window

So, we have reached a pivotal moment.

Who leads the BW Dream Team league is somewhat of a mystery. I think it's probably me or KG Snr.

But how long will the lead last?

The Sun has launched it's transfer window but there will be no bungs, dodgy agents and unfortunately Harry Redknapp, king of the transfer is not here to advise Annette.

Pete can we have the rules please.

Wednesday, October 4

Why Extras Is Class

Stephen Merchant is fast becoming a legend in both mine and KG's eyes.

Phone

Will be sold tonight so get bidding. Here.

Tuesday, October 3

A Few Music Videos - From YouTube!

This one.

Another one.

A third.

Another one of those ones.

Now fuck off.

Monday, September 25

Ruby's Christening

Well it was a bit of a wild one!!

We pilfered the Marton Country Club, got booted out from the Brunton Arms, were refused service in the Rudds and well tore the Southern Cross to bits.

Here's some piccies on my Flickr and my personal fave...


Just How Fast is a F1 Car?

Well, take a look; he is still losing on the last corner, but.......well, you'll see.

The Finlays the Newsagent BW Fantasy Footy

1 KG Jnr 184
2 Mike Heaney 181
3 KG Snr 178
4 Peter Heaney 173
5 Graham Newton 172
6 Joanne Heaney 168
7 Dale and Emma Miller 153
8 Joe Heaney 86
9 Annette Newton 59

Lineker: "A burst to the front there Mark, from the big lad?"
Lawrenson: "Shut it, jug-ears."
Lineker: "Fair do's."

B3ta, Natch

Saturday, September 23

¡Ponga la evidencia en el coche!



And, by way of apology - this, this, and this.

Funniest Thing on TV

That Mitchell and Webb Look on Beeb 2, Thursday's 9.30pm. Get it watched.

For Sale!

Me old mobile is up for grabs here. Get bidding now. It's not too scratched, honest.

Tuesday, September 19

Pope Benedict



Who's he think he is, Chubby Brown?

Kasabian

I'm sure like me you are starting to become a fan of this Kasabian mob, here's the video of their latest release, Empire...



But the finest part of their career so far has to be this...



That is some goal!!

Fantasy Footy Videprinter

1 KG Snr 157
2 KG Jnr 147
3 Mike Heaney 137
4 Peter Heaney 132
5 Joanne Heaney 125
6 Dale and Emma Miller 118
7 Graham Newton 116
8 Joe Heaney 69
9 Annette Newton 36

Monday, September 18

A Little Treat From the Wallet

From Me to You, Whoever You Are..........

Click the link to go to the storage thingy, then click the right looking links to download it (67Mb-ish), chiefs:

A Little Treat From the Wallet

Now, listen carefully; this is a few MP3's carefully selected by myself for your listening pleasure. It's a bit of a mix (not a mix as in a mix, if you see what I mean, more an eclectic selection than a series of songs loosely held together by beat matching, witchcraft and whatnot.)

There's all sorts in there. Acid house, hip-hop, drum and bass, songs you might know and songs you certainly haven't heard before. And hey, if you don't like it, it was free for fuck's sake. But surely you'll like at least one song. If you don't, you have no heart.

The tunes come packaged seductively in a zip file, which, Windows XP users out there, your PC should be able to deal effortlessly with. If not, then try downloading WinRAR or it's slightly more pay-as-you-play twin, WinZip. I think you know what to do after that.

Oh, and the songs are accompanied by a lil' M3U file, which (all being well) will put the songs in the right order (decided by me).

Anyway, merry September and let me know what you think.

Tonsillitis

I would willingly give a "Spit Roast" to get shot of the most annoying illness going. It's not excrutiating pain, it's not an ache or twinge, it's just there making me sound like a deaf retard.

A Spit Roast you ask? That would be two Ayrton's and a Lady.

All explained here!!!

Friday, September 15

The BW (Let Me Be Your) Fantasy Football

Sponsored by Baby D

1 Mike Heaney 126
2 Peter Heaney 112
3 Joanne Heaney 108
4 KG Snr 107
5 KG Jnr 105
6 Graham Newton 91
7 Dale and Emma Miller 67
8 Joe Heaney 55
9 Annette Newton 21

A tremendous Saha and Rosicky inspired run to the top there from me!

Doesn't include Thurdays games, natch.

Wednesday, September 13

Some New Photos

Here's some new photos and a never before seen one of KG at the UEFA Cup Final...



Robbie Hislop, Chris and KG.



The Doc "posing".



KG experimenting with his cranium.

More random photos soon.

Tuesday, September 12

BW Fantasy Futból 2006/2007 Primera Liga

A leap to the front from a Ronaldo inspired Mike, who still has Gerrard, Rooney and Henry to come into form! The two KG's surely copying, and a definite gap has appeared between the also rans and the main contenders! EXCITEMENT MOUNTS!

1 Mike Heaney 124
2 Joanne Heaney 101
3 KG Snr 98
4 KG Jnr 96
5 Graham Newton 83
6 Peter Heaney 75
7 Dale and Emma Miller 59
8 Joe Heaney 37
9 Annette Newton 21

Let off some steam here!

Monday, September 4

Sgt. Pepper

A truly great album. A truly memorable cover.

Just who can you see?

RIP Steve Irwin

Tell ya what there are some funny people out there...







Click the pic for big.

Tuesday, August 29

Dream Team Update

1: Mike Heaney 94

2: Graham Newton 77
3: KG Snr 76
4: Joanne Heaney 76
5: KG Jnr 75
6: Dale and Emma Miller 59
7: Peter Heaney 49
8: Joe Heaney 30
9: Annette Newton 14

Apologies for wonkiness.

Go on Mike! Win it for the Wallet!

All to play for! Click for the Forum!

Monday, August 28

Boro Yesterday

Some photos from yesterdays wild night out can be found here!

Sunday, August 27

BW Dream Team Fantasy Fussball 2006/2007

Scores on the Doors!

1: Mike - 75
2: KG Snr - 66
3: Graham - 53
4: KG Jnr - 49
5: Joanne - 41
6: Pierre - 34
7: Millers - 25
8: Joe - 12
9: Annette - 9

(Does not include Saturday or Sunday games)

Diss your team? Clicky!

Thursday, August 24

Champs League Draw

Chelsea vs. Barca again!!

Cracking draw...click.

Redcar/Hollywood/Dunkirk

These are the pics of the mocked up Dunkirk set for new film, Atonement. The scenes are being filmed on Redcar beach - renowned for it's stray dogs, drunk kids, raw sewage and superb lemon tops.

Click for Pics

Monday, August 21

Fantasy Football - Update!

Oooh! Excitement mounts!

1: KG Senior - 56
2: Mike - 48
=3: Joanne - 28
=3: Graham - 28
5: Dale and Emma - 23
6: KG Junior - 22
7: Pierre - 20
8: Annette - 1
9: Joe - -2

and still with Phil's team (which has been done, I'm reassured) to be added!

Discuss it here!

Sunday, August 20

Squeal Piggie!!



Classic!! The old mans shuffle could be a new dance move for the lads I think.

Monday, August 14

The BW Forum

I've just been looking through the old Forum gubbins, and it was nice for a while. Fuck it, I'm reopening it (not that it was ever shut).

Come and have a look eh? Tell your friends! Tell your enemies! Tell the Hezbollah militants! Yes, all are welcome! Fun, nice, life, youth, beautiful! I'm all for it.

Heroes of the Wallet #1

"I'm just glad I lived long enough to hear the shittiest band ever" - Noel Gallagher on Sum41.

Chiefs and Chiefettes.....

A treat, to brighten your Monday evening experience.

Right clicky, save target as, here!

Sunday, August 13

Why the Checkout Girl Must Not Be Allowed to Die

Myself and the wife went to Tesco at Coulby Newham today, for our weeks shopping. As we didn't exactly have a trolley full, we used the new-fangled "self-service" tills.

Surely you've seen these, you scan your own stuff, pack your own stuff and then pay for your own stuff, yourself.

This is a great idea, in theory. It reduces staff requirements, therefore allowing the store to reduce the prices of it's goods. In theory.......

When you reduce staff requirements and let the general public do the job, it causes a slight difficulty. This is because the general public are on average FUCKING IMBECILES who cannot perform even the most straight forward task.

First error: Don't let your video game obsessed 10 year old son do the scanning. He will think it's a XPackage or a Sony PlayStatement 3, and start prodding buttons and flicking switches in the vain hope that he could, in the end, 'be' Goro. Get an adult to do it, as they are frightened of buttons and will just DO AS THEY FUCKING SHOULD.

Second Error: Scan the item, the machines beeps it's approval, and then you put the item on the conveyor belt to prove that you haven't taken a PS2 but scanned an apple instead, cos it's cheaper and that. Don't just hand the items to your Mam, and look quizzically at the machine when it demands item placement.

Third Error: If there is just one of you, then a scan-then-pack system is advisable, as you are not blessed with the Octopus arm arrangement. If, however, there are three of you, a mother, a father and a 10 year old video game obsessed son, then a pack-while-scanning method should prevail. Not a STAND AROUND like a TOTAL FUCKWIT while piles of Tesco Value food pile up around you. YOU IGNORANT COCK.

Fourth Error: Your debit/credit card will only be accepted in one direction, as the single scanner equipment is not blessed with X-RAY FUCKING EYES. What makes this more infuriating is that there is a bright and shiny diagram on the screen showing which way to put the card in YOU TOSSPOT. No, sorry, what made it even more infuriating was the 10 year old son trying to grab the card off Dad, having seen the animation. Dad, though, is too proud to let a load of nuts and bolts beat him, so a 5 second operation becomes a laboured 10 minute battle-to-the-death against some of Mr Tesco's finest.

They eventually paid and they fucked off.

The End.

Thursday, August 10

Here is the news....

Over the last day or so, you may have seen (unless you're blind, obv) a bit of a ruckus involving the airports and a bit of terrorism. Now apparently, these Al Qaeda chaps want to blow some of our lovely airliners out of the sky using something called liquid explosive. This is presumably plastic explosive that's been in the microwave for a bit, and then poured into a Thermos flask.

So, now the people who control the passengers in this country have decided that you can only get on a plane with your clothes, shoes (after a thorough x-ray), wallet/purse and a clear plastic carrier bag. Everything else has to go in the hold. Including, it would seem, your kids.

You can take your little baby on board, but you can only take a limited amount of milk, and it must be 'proven to be milk' before you can go to Duty Free. Ah, but you can't buy Duty Free can you? No hand luggage, you see.

Cue some fantastically boring flights to America, where the in flight movie must be a lovey dovey Julia Roberts film - nothing with even an ounce of gunpowder in, or indeed the word "bang". Nobody tapping away at a laptop, no half-heard iPod noise. Just some shit scared passengers doing exactly what the terrorists want them to do. Be afraid.

Simple. Make the security better between the gate and the plane. Even if it takes hours and hours longer. No more dismissive waving of passports, no more half arsed searching of the most suss looking bloke in the queue. Do it properly. People should have the right to do what they like in the plane seat they probably paid an extortionate amount for.

A plane will get blown up over this country, it's unfortunately guaranteed to happen one day. You just can't totally stop a concerted effort at mass-murder like this. Let's just hope the people in charge of airport security have the balls to change things, eh? That would be a lot more deaths to have on their hands.

Wheeeeeee!

Look, a game where you can 'be' a 9/11 terrorist thingy!

Just select a city and go down, as false-haired Miller idol Jon 'Bon' Jovi once said, in a blaze of glory.

Click-o-clickston!

"The Doc's" Question Time

That's right Walleteers, we've asked our resident quack "The Doc", to answer your questions of a sexual, medical, bodily and, er, mindily nature. Question 1 for "The Doc" please?

Dear "The Doc", my partner has trouble releasing her emotions when we are together, and she has turned into a ball of crumpled rage who flies off the handle at the slightest thing, and sex is out of the question. What can I do?

Dave O'Trousers - Liverpool.

"The Doc" says: Sack her off pal, if she ain't taking it up the marmite slipway then she's no use to you is she? Send her round to me and I'll show her what she wants. You don't want some bird stomping round the house while you're trying to watch your vids do ya? It's tough to maintain a rythym when there's noise. It fucks your chakra.

Dear "The Doc", do you believe in herbal medicines?

Patrick Gullible - Newcastle.

"The Doc" says: Rats cocks to that buddy, I only believe in the three B's - Beer, Butts and Buckin'. God I'm rampant. They don't call me Dirty for fuck all you know.

Dear "The Doc", I'm not so well endowed in the trouser department, do you know any way of increasing my pant potential?

Willie Cockensquich - Wallsall.

"The Doc" says: Dunno mate, no such trouble here. It's like a tin of Jif with an apple on top, I tells ya! Try one of those pumps birds use when they're trying to exfoliate milk.

Dear "The Doc", will masturbation make me go blind?

The Right Rev. Hogetski - Dudley Parish Church.

"The Doc"says: Who said that? Only joking pal. Maybe if your spending some quality time with the purple-headed custard chucker every five minutes for a few years, yeah, but not if your wrestling the wookie on a part time basis. Anyway, I'm off to Specsavers.

More from "The Doc" when his shipment of Viagra arrives.

The Doc is not based on anyone we know. Not completely anyway.

The F Word / Big Bro

In our house, when the dog has been a bad, bad boy, we threaten him with the 'Sausage Factory'.
Having watched the F Word last night, he is now (quite literally) shitting himself.

Top notch car crash telly from Ramsay, you couldn't take your eyes off it for a second. The abbatoir workers were surely sourced from The League of Gentlemen, all ruddy cheeks and mad eyes. Ramsay just got progressively greener. The set could have come from any Playstation survival horror, it was just pure mechanical evil.

"It'll be quick and painless," said the slightly twisted abbatoir owner "humane."

Fuck that. He whacked some electrodes on their heads, knocked them out, strung them up and slit their throats in a Kill Bill style orgy of blood letting. Painless? Humane? Not for Ramsay.

The pigs were then boiled to remove their hair, and a few layers of skin. Then came the gutting, and Ramsay did indeed look gutted. He's cooking them next week, but an anti-climax seems on the cards.

Over in the parallel BB universe, we saw the aftermath of the returning housemates.

Glyn scaled the walls to try and get to Nikki and co, but to no avail (I don't think, I was channel hopping) and then realised he couldn't fly, and was stumped as how to get down. The nation held it's breath that he may be killed leaping 20 feet from the roof, but sadly, it wasn't to be.

Got bored with this and watched Sky Sports News for a bit. God, pre-season is slow.

In conclusion - more pig carnage on TV, and more foolish Welsh men dying on the Big Brother lawn. And crack on with the footy, for Christ's sake.

Wednesday, August 9

Big Brother - An Update

NOBODY CARES ANYMORE!

JUST GIVE PETE THE FUCKING MONEY AND BE DONE WITH THIS TEDIOUS CHARADE!

Anyway, off to see how the new/old housemates are settling in, just in case something good happens.

The F Word first though, and apparently they're going to kill some piggies.

More later (or in September, more like).

Wednesday, July 26

A few of my favourite things - July

Music

Muse - SuperMassiveBlackHole

Muse finally live up to their early promise.

Plan B - Who Needs Actions When you've Got Words?

The new Eminem, and British to boot. Expertly rhymes 'Jesus' with 'Maltesers'. Magic.

The Pipettes - We are the Pipettes

Imagine, if you will, an alternate reality where Bananarama were sent back in time to nick all of the best songs of the time, update them to the 21st century, and make pop music that even God himself dreams about. Incredible pop choons with a 60's twist.

The Guillemots - Through the Window Pane

Listening as I type this, 1.5 tracks down and it's one of the best albums I've ever heard. After a superb orchestral intro, when I thought things couldn't get any better, when I thought I'd seen it all - it started to rain.

Telly

Stewart Lee - Stand Up Comedian

On Paramount early in July, a master of comedy at work, with jokes about 9/11, Princess Di and how Braveheart was a puff - in front of a Glaswegian audience.

Dave Gorman's Googlewhack Adventure

On paramount as well, and Frank Skinner Live unwatched on the SKY+. Story telling at it's finest. Gorman would be a supreme drinking buddy.

The F Word

Top Gear with food.

Top Gear

The F Word with cars.

Film

Batman Begins

But of course everyone has seen it already. I'm so last year.

Games

Killzone - PS2

Picked up for £4.99 in the Boro, and a mighty fine fiver if ever there was one. Blokes with orange eyes get blasted. American accents abound, despite the alien world setting. A minor annoyance though. FOR A FIVER!

Tuesday, July 25

Chris and Alex's Big Day















Click here for some photos that don't involve farting in peoples faces.

And congrats to the happy couple, and also big thanks for a lovely (if slightly sweaty) day!

Cheers chiefs!

Saturday, July 15

Thick Geordie Bastard

Clicky!

Thursday, July 13

Flash Sudoku

For those quiet moments at work: here!

Tuesday, July 11

Ronglish

Words of wisdom from Big Ron.

I defy you not to piss yourself.

EDIT: And even funnier!

For example:

What a goal. What a goal! Straight through the legs of Adams, it flew towards the roof of the net like a Wurlitzer! I mean, like a ... howitzer!

A Wurlitzer is a type of jukebox.

Monday, July 10

Of course........

Now Zizou has jacked it in professionally, he might be tempted to have that kick about in the Rainbow Centre on a Friday night.

What d'ya reckon boys? Shall we see what he's made of?

Friday, July 7

Another quality video.

Showing Boro's amazing highlights from last season.

A season no Boro fan will ever forget.

Click here for "Goosepimples"

Thursday, July 6

Absolute Madness

Another YouTube effort chiefs, not a personal one this time, found it today. No embedded window either, they tend to make things a bit ugly, so clicky the linky:

Phil hated being late for work,

But couldn't keep up with Kathryn.

"Lampard's due a goal...."

Oh, Frank.....



I remember when he was plain old Frank Lampard Junior.

He wouldn't have missed then.

Monday, July 3

Bollocks to England

This is what really matters.



Truly superb memories from last season, and a fantastic video.

From Youtube, via FMTTM.

Sunday, July 2

The Big Wedding Spectacular















Some better photos here.

And of course, a huge set of Burnley Wallet CONGRATULATIONS to Anne and Paul who tied the knot yesterday, in a lovely ceremony at the Sporting Lodge.

Edit; and here, thanks to Mike, are some more of those ones.

Thursday, June 29

My Favourite Thing

Of all the things I blogged in the past two years (Have we missed the BW 2nd Birthday bash?) this is still my all time time favourtie link, clip, post, thing ever. Now with a bit of a video.

Enjoy.

Monday, June 26

A Few Of My Favourite Things

As Nazi dodging sprog worrier Julie Andrews once sang; these are a few of the things that are down with the Wallet at the moment. God, I'm so street.

Music

Lupe Fiasco - Kick Push - Superb new single from one-time Kanye collaborator, nice bit of down tempo hip hop.

Hot Chip - The Warning - Think Daft Punk if they were REALLY PISSED OFF ABOUT SOMETHING. Lush.

Fatboy Slim - Why Try Harder - Sadly not in chronological order, so you can switch off after 'Weapon of Choice', Rockerfeller Skank is still the dog's proverbials.

Girls Aloud - Chemistry - No, I'm not gay, it's really quite good. Honest.

Telly

Real Football Factories - Bravo - Cockney-wide-boy-apples-and-pears merchant Danny Dyer does the rounds on the most notorious of the Hoolies. He ain't heavy, he's my brother was pretty shit like.

AND NOTHING ELSE! Except the footy, natch.

Film

MI:3 - or however it's marketed. It was OK, and that is stretching it a bit. Apparently he's dead all the way through it, as he gets shot at the start. Ah well, that saved you 8 quid, didn't it?

Games

PES5 - PSP - 5 minute kick about over lunch at work? Oh fucking YES!

Guitar Hero - I am Lemmy. Minus the horrendous facial bits, obv.

More next month!

Sunday, June 25

Big Brother

I haven't really watched much of this - even though the missus has it on the telly, I'm usually on the PSP or whatever, and don't really take it all in.

It does appear to be slightly dull, which is a surprise seeing as the producers have installed some of the most psychopathic and twisted individuals available.

Well, for a start there's Pete, who DOES FUCK ALL except pull Jim Carrey style funny faces and say "wanker!" a lot. Perhaps he hasn't got tourettes, maybe he just speaks his mind.

Next up is ET-faced-grotesquely-titted-yorkshire-gobshite Lea, who, like her namesake at the start of Star Wars, thinks the whole universe is out to get her. Well they are, and being a nutcase bunny boiler plastic surgery freak doesn't help, does it?

Oh, it's so dull, I can't even be bothered to tell you why they're dull; in summary -

Glyn - The worlds finest Avid Merrion inpression
Richard - Oh, do fuck off.
Imogen - Spicy Welsh Sexpot they said before she went in. 36 (or whatever) days later she has still DONE FUCK ALL except talk Welsh with Avid Merrion.
Nikki - How is she still alive? Are people really like that? No, surely not?

And some others whom I have forgotten.

Just watch it will you? Then you can get all excited about it, like the Teenage Girls and that. To me, it's just a bit.......zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......

Friday, June 23

The Burnley Wallet - Another (Much Needed) Update

Well, chiefs. It was nice while it lasted. Oh, we had the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs and the creamy middles (© The Simpsons). And we've arrived at this.

You see, the Wallet has done us proud for a couple of years now. Myself and my colleagues, Mike and KG, have put our hearts and indeed our souls into this mighty site you are reading now. However, we appear to have gone our seperate ways.

KG was last seen on Alastair Brownlee's door step minutes after the final whistle of the Steaua second leg, after the adrenally misguided Browlee offered free parmo to all. Neighbours reports of a Grizzly in Linthorpe are unproven.

Mike has gone to work freelance for Pub Walkabout Monthly, who, impressed by his tales of nights "in da Boro" , have paid him untold riches to write "....then we went to Lloyds." over and over again. He is also the new Phats and Small, but only one of the adjectives apply to him.

But hey, reader, don't be down! They can still blog when they like!

So, that leaves me. Don't fret, I'm going nowhere - I've been pondering over starting anew on something else, or just tweaking the Wallet for my own needs, or just finding two more lardheads to go drinking for me. I'm pondering still. You'll just have to wait and see, won't you?

Tuesday, June 13

Three Pound Coins in a Foreskin

On the 4th of June, myself and KG made the short car journey up to the Riverside at Chester-Le-Street to watch Durham and Yorkshire have a bit of a 50 over knock about, cunningly disguised as a cricket match.

The trip there was almost pain free, apart from KG getting soaked whilst at the cash machine and some slight "pedestrian zone" related lost-ery. The rain wasn't to last however.....

After taking our seats in the slightly damp (but by now getting warmer) Riverside, the match began. You can read a bit about it here.

Come half time, or indeed "the interval" myself and the bear were shocked to find that if we wanted we could go on the pitch and have a go ourselves! Lacking the relevant sporting equipment/knowledge/bodies we decided to content ourselves with watching the kids have a bash instead. The stars of the show though, were the dads. Convinced that Michael Vaughan might be watching, they sent down bouncer after bouncer to their tiny 8 year old kids, only to see them swatted away for 4 by the child prodigies.

By now, the sun was a bit fucking naughty by all accounts, and the smell of sizzling grizzly made me regret not bringing the sun cream. KG was too pissed to notice, and continued sinking his pre-bought cans of Carling at record rate.

After the unbelievable climax to the game (see above), we made our way out of the congestion around the ground, narrowly avoided being caught up in a hit and run incident, and sped toward the freedom of the A1. Which was clogged like KG's parmo soaked arteries. So, to pass the time, we decided to bluetooth abusive messages to passing drivers. The only one we could get though was called "Three pound coins in a foreskin". He was a postman.

We arrived home just in time for Top Gear, slightly overcooked but heartened by the genius of it all. It's only 30 mins up the road. You HAVE to go sometime.

Saturday, June 3

Sun is shining......

And I'm stuck at fucking work, doing an upgrade that can only happen when no-one is online. Grrrr. I started it last night, and was back on the job (ooh-err) this morning at 9.

So I've missed the cricket, and I'm listening to the footy now. Could have been worse though, it could have been next week, but the Boys from the Wallet are off to Liverpool to drink beer and (probably) smoke cigars instead! Tracksuits at the ready!

'Ey! 'Ey! Calm Down!

Wednesday, May 31

ThUGS

www.myspace.com/theupbeatglasssmash

There's a a few new songs on official BW music outlet the Upbeat Glass Smash. Give them a play now!

Monday, May 22

Ouch!

Emma Miller, friend of the Wallet, flasher of jugs and all round top ginger person had a small accident involving some fishing equipment. She then proceeded to have an extended stay in hospital and wasted some taxpayers wonga.

***WARNING*** Not for the faint hearted! Clicky!

Now, in honour of this act of gross stupidity, the Wallet is delighted to offer a prize* to the person who supplies us with the best gag related to her, er, plight.

I'll set the ball rolling..........

*Warning, prize may be shit or may not actually exist.

Sunday, May 21

Quality This

A picture in a picture in a picture in a picture in a picture in a picture etc.

Monday, May 15

Nicked from B3ta



























But of course. B3ta.

Wednesday, May 10

UEFA Cup Final - Sevilla Loads - Boro None

Ah well. Beaten by the best team we've played in both of the European adventures. Unfortunately for the Boro fan, this is how life is.

Sevilla were superior to our boys in every way, and a few of the players (Navas, Daniel Alves, Maresca) were simply a class above our supposed best lads. Downing, for example, went missing when it mattered, and was hardly mentioned in the last 30 mins.

Oh, by the way, those of you who think it's the end of the world? It starts again in August.

UEFA Cup Final

The Parmo's ordered. The beer's cold. The shirt is on. I feel a bit sick.

COME ON BORO!!

The Burnley Wallet - An Announcement

As of today, the Walleteers have decided to reduce the output of the Wallet. Whilst we aren't closing the site down, we think that nearly 2 years of posting virtually every day has finally left the three of us exhausted - both of energy and ideas. It does, as Mike said, feel like a chore at the moment.

We will still post though, just nowhere near as regularly. Hopefully this will allow us to enjoy it more than we are at the moment. Some little changes will also take place to the site.

At the moment the site is more popular than ever, but we can't keep posting like we are. So, keep ya eyes peeled chiefs, for Wallet updates in the coming months.

We will return........

Tuesday, May 9

Blaine: You Suck

He only failed to beat his crap underwater breathing record didn't he?

I mean even that Dean fella of Big brother made a big sugar cube tower and he got in.

He should get back to lifting himself off the ground, it was a lot more impressive.

GNSotD: Cable firm NTL to cut 6,000 jobs

NTHell - it's well deserved as well cos they absolutely suck!

Monday, May 8

Deal or No Deal

Chances are Keith will play at least 3,000 rounds of this..... click!!

Nightmare England XI

Following on from Mike's WC team, imagine if you woke up on the 10th of June - clouds forming, rain lashing down, and this bunch of no-hopers strolled out to get beat by Paraguay; Sven can do what he likes, after all - he's not gonna be sacked is he?

GK: James (Man City)

RB: Hunt (Bolton)
LB: Konchesky (West Ham)
CB: Pearce (Fulham)
CB: Bramble (Skunks)

RW: Pennant (Birmingham)
LW: Hendrie (Villa)
CM: Whitehead (Mackems)
CM: Parlour (Boro)

FW: Shearer (Skunks)
FW: Stead (Mackems)

Do any better? Leave a comment.

England Squad

Sven you have surprised many of us. so if you were the Mr Burns of football who would your starting 11 be in Deutschland?

For me it's certain it will be...

GK Robinson

LB A Cole
RB Neville
CB Ferdinand
CB Terry

Now the tricky bit...

DM Carrick
CM Lampard
CM Gerrard
RW Beckham
LW Cole

S Owen

Ya have to say though, Sven has got a hell of a lot of options - maybe too many.

But we have every confidence......

C'MON ENGLAND!!!

GNSotD: Penis reattached after maid cuts it off

Penis reattached after maid cuts it off - Yahoo! News UK

This one will make you cringe!!!

Thursday, May 4

HONK!

Got beeped twice by road ragers today. All my fault as well!! How me and KG laughed on the way to work as I nearly cut up a Mondeo. And, then invented a new catchphrase that is going to annoy just about everyone!!

HOOOOOOOOOONNNNKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How old are we?

Philippines mothers chase breastfeeding record - Yahoo! News UK

Everyone needs to read this!! Deary me.

GNSotD: New England Manager

Congratulations Steve McClaren!!

Wednesday, May 3

Follow Up: When Lineker met Maradona

I fell asleep.

Was it any good?

GNSotD: A Wedding

104-year-old woman weds. Click!!

Boro in the charts?

I sincerly doubt it with this effort.

Although anything is possible with the Boro these days.

Tuesday, May 2

Dream Team update

KG has cemented his lead at the top of Dream Team 2006, and with only 1 or 2 games to go, it loks very good for me!

Mikey's Mongs

1. Fridel 133
2. McCartney -9
3. Naysmith 7
4. Upson 52
5. A Ferdinand 83
6. Reid 13
7. Lampard 254
8. Downing 55
9. Geremi 37
10. Rooney 252
11. Van Nistelrooy 183

Total = 1060


KG's Kings

1. Martyn 66
2. Mellberg 53
3. Spector 6
4. Knight 25
5. Queudrue 110
6. Rommedahl 47
7. Stelios 168
8. Gerrard 283
9. Henry 285
10. Defoe 91
11. Forsell 50

Total Points = 1184


Pete's Pricks

1. Jaaskelainen 135
2. Samuel 17
3. Queudrue 110
4. Clement 33
5. Spector 6
6. Pires 142
7. Robben 131
8. Okocha 66
9. Arca 48
10. Van Nistelrooy 183
11. Drogba 115

Total Points - 986

14,000

Thanks to all the readers who saw us fly past the 14,000 hits mark in what is a bit of a resurgence of the Wallet. Spread the word the Wallet is on fire.

What a Great Year

This is turning out to be....

Stacks of epic nights out, so good and so hard to get over they don't even get posted.

A great weekend in Liverpool and another one to come.

Football at its finest. Middlesbrough FC have provided miracles at the Riverside.

The World Cup is still to come.

I've got three weddings to go to.

I've seen KG set on fire, get a blowjob (not a real one), sing RED ARMY so loud a man began praying for his life and rescue my glasses.

I've seen myself set on fire, sing RED ARMY so loud a manfeared for his own hearing and lose my glasses!!

I've seen a man win £6,000 playing Roulette...in Ladbrokes.

I've sold some shit on e-bay (Hey - it's hard first time ok.)

I've delivered the Wallet a rock band!

All this and it's only May.

2006 is fast becoming a truly memorable one.

Shock, horror, KG Blogs

Well what is goin on in the world of KG?

Firstly I have to start with The Mighty Boro, what a performance against Stella Bucharest, and now where all off to Eindhoven. My tickets even arrived this morning for the "Neutral Section"

I've decided to coach it to Eindhoven, a cool 11 1/2 hours with Daft Wob, Chris and our Dad. We get an overnight stay on the outskirts of Eindhoven on the Tuesday night, at least we get a night on the piss somewhere then onto Eindhoven to arrive Mid day on Wednesday. This is like all my christmas mornings rolled into one, I literally can't wait and got a semi on, when me tickets arrived this morning!

I'm currently on strike, not sure why, the union bloke just said are you striking on 2nd and 3rd May? I'm like count me in chief, get me outta this place for a few days!

So whilst on strike, I thought I'd sort the garden out, I spent a good 2 hours cutting and strimming and it now looks quite good, it kind of remind me of the pitch at Highbury - only minus the squirrel!
Did you see that, it was one of the finniest things I've ever seen, espeically when one of the Villareal players tried to catch it, Lardhead!

Nights out are coming thick and fast, plus we've just had a few corkers dating back to the Thursday before Good Friday I think. Hopefully Mikey will get his finger out and get them put on here shortly.

5 a side made a welcome return last Friday and were playing again this Friday. It was one of the most enjoyable games I've played in. The score was summat ridiculous like 23-23. Disco Dale scoring the equaliser with the last kick of the game. A top laff had by all. Oh excpet Robbie, somene has to ban him from permanantly twatting the ball at 100mph when shooting at goal from like 7 yards.

A see Pete's had a huge rant about the Simpsons, I have to agree like the older stuff is miles better, saw the episode yesterday when Homer becomes the Pee - Wee football coach. At the start Flanders is the coach and Homer just hurls all this abuse at him. Fave line.

Homer "Hey Flanders your the worst coach this team has ever had"

Lisa "Dad, he's the only coach we've ever had and its our first game"

Homer "Yeah but he's still the worst coach"

Then he repeatedly shouts "FFFLLLLLLAAAAANNNNNDDDDDEEEEERRRSSSSS"

Fucking quality!

The stag do is drawing closer and closer, he's a list of who's going,

Chris
KG
Our Dad
Pierre
Mikey
Phil
Moss
Big Nose
Disco
Russell
Totsy
Graham
Peter (Our dads mate)
John (our dads mate)

Everything is sorted now, bus booked and deposit paid, leave Eston Sq at 9.30am. We just need to find somewhere to stay when we get there!

Sir Percy runs this Saturday, we told you about this tip ages ago, I stand to win a sizeable amount of tatey if it wins. Everything I've heard about this horse is good so lets hope he delivers on saturday.

Thats about it folks, check back in 2 months for my next blog!!

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