Tuesday, November 29

The Return of 5-a-Side

Us bunch of lardheads are back on the fitness trail tonight. A glorious fight of epic proportions on the modern day battlefield of the 5-a-side pitch. This is war!!!

A full review tomorrow and a full rundown of Saturday just gone which I can inform you was classic. Including a full on brawl, Scousers, a sing a long with Keith's mam, a very old man dancing, Jesus, Jaffa Cakes, Alpine Fresh breath and KG, Chris, Phil and myself Rocking All Over the World.

Monday, November 28

18 Tricks to Teach Your Body

Useful I imagine. Click.

Friday, November 25

Fucking Wankers

I see the self proclaimed "Best Fans in the World" have showed their true colours again.

Disgraceful.

Thursday, November 24

It's Christmas

Well not for four weeks yet but good God where has the year gone to?

There are some fantastic things coming up on the Wallet.

Loads of nights out,
A review of the year from all of us,
The BW Awards (live of course!!),
the Xmas Shopping List competition

Plus....

Pressies, food, lager, Santa trousers, fights, hedge diving, trampolining, mud wrestling, parties, birds in santa outfits, being drunk pretty much constantly and generally having the best two weeks off ever.

The Xmas tape compilations have already been blasting out of the tinny speakers in my motor and the decs are being unloaded at work and home as we speak. Slade have been making the trudge down the A66 all the more bearable.

Decs are going up in houses all over the place and over the next couple of weeks there will deffo be pictures of some of the most tacky cheaply done out houses in the Tees Valley area just for yours and our amusement.

This years Secret Santa competish at work has an International theme and ideas are most welcome.

It is a woman so that rules out the following: -

- Russian mail order bride
- German porn
- Dutch porn
- Swedish lesbians
- Bangkok ping pong set.

Anyone reading from work who picked me then you know, none of those would go amiss.

Speaking of Christmas in other countries, there's not many decorations in Vietnam this year. They're just going to hang Glitter.

Wednesday, November 23

Big Freeze?

What big freeze, check out the BBC's weather guide here and it says its getting warmer not colder.

Mind you it is the BBC, expect a blanket of white stuff in the morning (That's snow I'm referring to and not one of Mikey's all nighters)

What's on?

Just noticed that over the last week or so, I have witnessed some top quality TV programmes.

Here's a run down of what I've watched.




Top Gear:- Jeremy Clarkson and his crew keep me glued to me telly every Sunday from 8pm til 9pm.

This Sunday just gone was one of the best episodes I've seen. They had Ian Wright racing round the track like a man possessed. He just didn't give a shit and I don't think he's heard of the brake peddle. Then we had life sized remote control cars - I want a go! Finally, they had another race. This Student type bloke challenged JC that he could climb this mountain quicker than he could drive up there in a new Audi. Gripping Stuff!



I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here:- Don't slate me but I like this show and obviously the Bush Tucker Trials are the best bits. There is plenty of eye candy on this year as well. Plus David Dickinson is a legend. Vote for him to win!

Ant and Dec are the presenters and although a pair of Geordie Twats they are funny and the show wouldn't be the same without them.




OFI Sunday:- Chris Evans is back on our TV screens. He's been away far too long since his days on TFI Friday. He was his usual self - loud, crazy and entertaining. Word has it he has some quality guests lined up aswell.

Best of the rest:- Noel Edmonds, remember him? He's returned on C4 to present a new quiz show called Deal or No Deal. This is gripping TV and will surely revert to a prime time evening slot in the not to distance future.

Oh yeah I almost forgot, Free view. Compulsive viewing!

Tuesday, November 22

Rock Band Competition

Well it certainly wasn't the X Factor.

Thank Christ, as I can think of far better ways to spend a Monday night. For example, a little rock competish at Stockton's Mahattans Bar. Click here for the pub review.

Up first The ......

er, did anyone actually catch a word of what they said other than, "Oh fuck I've broke a string."

During the 10 minutes he spent pissing about putting a new one in (which he had to buy off the opposing band - student scum that he was) they did a cover of Vanilla Ice's Ninja Rap. I shit you not.

We also got about 7 garage band type songs which were fairly average - couldn't understand a word the tubby singer was shouting at us.

Anyway with that painful session over, we cracked on with The Urban Pirates.

One of them, Paul, used to work with KG and we went to see his old band The Rattlesnakes in Stokesley last year (maybe year before). I was pretty stunned at their guitar talents and even got a song dedicated to me as I was wearing my Led Zeppellin shirt of days gone by. Funnily enough, there was a lass in there who had the same shirt on.

They pretty much blew the first band away with some quality tunage, no Vanilla Ice covers and a we even got a free CD each.

With it being a school night though we left as soon as they'd finished so we didn't find out the result. I'm sure the Pirates won mind.

Oh, so I drank one, or was it four, and then I fell on the floor

So chiefs, here it comes. As of Thursday November 24th 2005, the licensing laws in this country will change for six months. Pubs will open longer. Off-licences will be able to sell around the clock. Oh, and the world is going to end, apparently.

That’s right, the god fearing do-gooders of this previously fair nation have come out of their 5 bedroom detached homes to denounce alcohol as the devils own sperm. “Increase in crime,” they spout, “and in violence on the streets!” Rumour has it, they’re also dreading the return of ‘The Hit Man and Her’

Nonsense.

Your intrepid reporter is a mere 26 years old. He has only drank alcohol for, ooh, 9 of those years. But he knows, like everyone else knows, that fights only kick off at 2 in the morning because THAT’S WHEN THE PUBS SHUT. He also knows that Pete Waterman won’t be allowed on the telly any more.

90% of the people who had been drinking in any given town or city are released to the streets at EXACTLY THE SAME TIME to knock varying shades of shit out of each other.

So, surely, stagger the closing times, eh? Correct. People go home when they are ready, not when the teacher says so. Pubs make more money, fights are reduced, everyone’s a winner.

But hang on, there’s that voice again. “What about drink related illnesses, and people puking in the street?”

More shite.

Drink related illness is a nasty, nasty thing, don’t get me wrong. But to deny the millions of people who drink responsibly and without putting their health at risk just because a small minority have hammered it all their lives seems foolish. It’s similar to the talk of banning fags, booze, scratchcards, gambling, etc. ban all of these risks and people will find some other way of taking their lives in their hands. Bungee jumping, for example.

People puke because they’ve tried to fit in as much drink as is humanly possible in the allocated time they are allowed. It’s a race against time. As much as you can before 2 in the morning. With 24 hour drinking and relaxed nightclubs, people would, in time forget about this, and slow their drinking habits down. Hopefully.

Put it this way, if you’re sat in your house having a drink, you never feel the urge to go and throw your guts up do you? Because you know YOU’VE GOT ALL NIGHT. THERE IS NO RUSH.

Thing is though, this has to be demonstrated to the people who matter. The people who matter are those who disowned the law in the first place. The law will revert to how it is now after the trial period is deemed a failure. So you have 6 months to go for it, enjoy Chrimbo, and have some fun you can tell the kids about.

After that, it’s back to the dark ages.

KG falling from a tree

See it to believe it.

Video here

A singing Jose Mourinho

This is superb!

The special one

Pub Review

Aint done one of these for a while so here goes.

Name: Manhattan's

Location: Stockton-On-Tees

Occasion: A lad who used to work with me was in a music competition last night, No not X Factor (I wish) but like a Rock competition between his band "The Urban Pirates" and these scruffy stockton students. So me and Mikey popped along to offer our support.

Beer Quality: Spot on, although I was driving I managed a sneaky 2, but thoroughly enjoyed them. We had Carling but others available were Grolsch, Fosters and Carlsberg.

Prices: Very good, £1.50 a pint, not sure if the prices rocket at the weekend but for a monday night you couldn't fall off. Also 40p for a pint of Orange and Water.

Sporting Coverage: Although we didn't watch any live football, there were a good 10 large TV's dotted around the pub, which last night showed Sky Sports 1.

Food: Didn't order out, but the Menu for all day breakfast sounded very appetising.

Music: Last night like I said was a Rock Competition, but they were advertising LIVE music on posters around the pub. The music was extremely loud before the bands started, so not the place for a quiet drink.

Nice lasses?: One of the barmaids was a stunner, the other lasses tendered to be Mosha type students. Have a word!

Out else?: The bogs were a nightmare to find and I almost cracked me head on the "Mind your head" sign!

Sum up: A smart pub, with nice cheap lager. It looked as though it had just been done out, and I would deffo return. When? I don't know!

7 out of 10

Sunday, November 20

Shock Horror!

I didn't go Middlesbrough for a night out last night!!!!

It was a lass from works 21st Birthday party over at the Norton Cricket Club, Stockton on Tees. Our Chris kindly dropped me, daft Wob and Hadarl off about 7.15pm, after getting lost a good 15 times and having to ring Phil for him to direct us to the place. I think Hadarl was a bit nervous thanks to chris' driving, a good 110mph in his new car down the A19. To quote Hadarl "Milk Floats usually overtake me"

Anyway we gets there and settles down to a couple of pints whilst everyone from work arrived, Daft Wob, who had been out all day since 12, watching the Rugby starting singing Morrissey songs but adapting them to slag off people from work!

It was your usual party, cheap lager, disco, buffet, speeches, disco.

As it was a private party, we weren't suppose to leave the function room, but me and Hadarl where itching to loose some tatey on the fruit machine, so we snuck into the "bar" area of the club and each stuck a pound in each. I advised Paul to take the feature to which he did and result we had just won £75 (The Jackie was £250 mind) the noise it made as it rained chunks was music to my ears, but wait were not members of the club, what would the regulars say? Fuck the regulars we pocketed the money straight away and re joined the party.

Come last orders Amy (Who's party it was) had ordered some mini buses which took us down to Stockton.

We went to Ibiza bar which had no bottled lager left - Whats that all about? after a swift one in here we went to Zanzibar

After a fiver in, we decided to have some shots, aftershock is lethal stuff but I didn't want to be the only one who didn't participate, so I knocked mine back, quickly followed by a refreshing BLUE WKD.

Had a bit of a dance about and that and Zanzibar is OK, its massive, an upstairs and a downstairs, upstairs was more cheesey like Oz bar and Chicago Rock. The final song was "Bear Necessity" from Jungle Book, which put a smile on my face, what with me being a fellow bear an all.

I stopped off at the Pizza shop and made sure Steph got home alright, and jumped in a taxi. "How much mate to Middlesbrough and then Eston?"

"25 pound please"

The robbing get but seeing as tho it was -3 and Steph was shivering we jumped in, after Steph got out I decided the driver was getting fuck all off me, and I planned my route to do a runner. When I got out I have never ran so fast and I thought I was going to have a heart attack once back in our house!

A mega cheap night for KG, spent a £10 after me little win, a cracking night out, something different, but back to home to Boro next week.

The Fuzz

Yoda's Birthday

Remember my post on Yoda's Birthday?

Well it happened on Friday night at Eston Labour Club, and I was there. It weren't too bad to be honest spending a bit of time with family. Some absolutely classic army stories off our Dad had me in stitches. These will become a regular feature of the Wallet.

What shocked me the most though, was the fact it was a SURPRISE 90th Birthday party. Were they trying to finish the old dear off?

She managed to stave off that fright and then had to put up with some random bloke sing Happy Birthday at her. In a Scouse accent.

The DJ was, well, different to say the least. Following the Beatles 'Get Back' and the opening lick of 'Something' (cos he never changed the CD over in time) he hit us with some of the most hardcore dance tunes going.

These were then followed by Cliff Richard and Dion (they sang The Wanderer before you ask - he roams around and around and around).

Now I don't know if the lager in Boro town centre is watered down or alcopops just have no alcohol in them at all because 8 pints and a double whisky had me drunker than I had been for a good few years. A pint of carling was £1.10. How good?!

So bad was I yesterday that I turned down a night out with Phil and the crew.

Heard KG had a cracker of a night in Norton last night so we await with baited breath news of his exploits!! C'mon Keith, spill the beans.

Thursday, November 17

Prank Calls

Here are 2 classic prank calls.

Dirty Turbin

Chinese Takeaway

Brilliant.

Frank Skinner tonight















Whey, Middlesbrough's favourite comedian Roy "Chubby" Brown is on the Frank Skinner Show tonight. ITV1 @ 11pm.
Should be a good watch, don't recall Chubbs being on the telly before.

Scouse Lardhead

Me uncle Mark who lives in Liverpool rang us the other day and he told us these cracking stories which I'll now share with you.

Story 1

Mark had been to the supermarket and on his way home had to give way at a level crossing, to let the train go by. Now Mark had just bought the latest issue of FHM so picks it up and starts to flick through it whilst waiting for the train to go by. To engrossed in the magazine he failed to notice the train go by, the barriers have come up, and Mark is given a gentle beep on the horn by the car behind him. "Oh Fuck" says Mark, so foot down and off he goes. The next thing the car behind him starts flashing his lights and beeping his horn. Mark, not wanting any trouble pulls over and the car speeds off, not before looking at Mark and shaking his head.
Mark now thinks "Fuck this" and speeds up after him now flashing and beeping his horn at him. The car in front pulls over and Mark follows suit. The lad in the car in front gets out and its this huge Black bloke in a long leather jacket, Mark gets out of his car at the same time and then realises what he's up against and realises he may get a good hiding here. Now Mark not wanting to lose face says "Whats ya problem mate?" To which the bloke replies "You aint got your lights on!" A relieved and very embarrassed Mark offers his apologies to the bloke, they shake hands and Mark gets back in his car.

Story 2

Mark went to Madrid for a stag weekend, and the saying of the weekend was "Ohh Yesss" (As in the the Churchill insurance Bull Dog) Now the wedding was on bonfire night and all the lads had agreed before hand to answer "Ohh Yesss" to when the priest asks the question "Does anybody have any reason why these two cannot be married, blah, blah, blah. So the priest asks the question to which only Mark answered, it was a wind up good and proper. Apparanlty everyone turned round and Mark went a little red!

Wednesday, November 16

Well Done Dwight




...and for getting to the World Cup.

Tuesday, November 15

Went to a Muslim birthday party.........

..........the other night.

Fuck me if that wasn't the fastest game of pass the parcel I've ever seen!

Thai PM arrives in Liverpool

New SAFC credit card.

Drugs help.




WORRIED ABOUT DRUGS?


Talk to

www.talktofrank.com



Great News

Fucking fantastic.

5000 little chav cunt wannabes waving Brazil flags with Juninho on and pointing their foam 'BT Cellnet' fingers.

I fucking hate Boro family fundays.

Monday, November 14

Zookeeper Addiction

Feel like you can't put down Zookeeper?

One more go even when the kids are playing with the chip pan?

3 elephants in a row taken over your life?

Have you had a fight with the missus because it was allegedly, "her turn"?

If you said yes to any of these questions then you may be addicted to Zookeeper.

Take action NOW!!

To help cure your addiction sending £10 to BW Headquarters for an information pack.

e-mail us at burnleywalletblog@yahoo.co.uk for more details.

Ze Postbox

Indeedy-do, chief-a-rinos, it's time for us to peruse the correspondence from you, the reader, to us, the big chiefs of Wallet World.

Still not much to report from the e-mail side of things (burnleywalletblog@yahoo.co.uk if you're interested) so just a small letters page this week. KG's sack is, not for the first time, tinier than a tiny tiny thing.

Big thanks to our friends in the US State of Canadia though. God Bless America.

Dear Walleteers,

How about Jimmy Bruno, 'famous' jazz guitarist? I could deffo be named after him, couldn't I? Eh? A-hur-hur-hur, Harry?

Yours,

'Bruno' Tate,
G-Town

Bruno, you should really ask your dad, when he delivers the milk.

Dear Walleteers,

Hey, I like your shoes.

Yours,

Paddy O' Doors,
Liverpool.

Er, thanks Paddy. We like yours.

Dear Walleteers,

I enjoyed reading your Mass Debate on Soap characters.

Come on over and visit our Canadian Coronation Street blog called
*Corrie Canuck* . . .

http://corriestreet.blogspot.com

We're several months behind the UK in Corrie episodes but you still
might find bits and
pieces on the blog for your amusement.

Yours,
MJ (a Corrie Canuck contributor),
Saskatoon (probably)

Ooh, fuck me, a proper one! Bet you can't wait for the Gail Platt/alien abduction storyline. Oops!

Dear Walleteers,

You look a bit dodgy. Take your shoes off. Empty your pockets.

Yours,
The staff of Lava,
Middlesbrough

Jesus, thought the rubber gloves were coming out there. Phew.

That's it this week chiefs, we went to the cupboard and it was bare. The hazards of letting KG have a key, eh? See you next week. You invisible cunts.

Sunday, November 13

Why can't all bogs look like this?

A Bulldog on a skateboard.

Brilliant!

Friday, November 11

North East Terror Warning

A true story:

Yesterday, a friend of mine was travelling on a Newcastle to Sunderland train.

A man of Arabic appearance got off the train and my friend noticed that he had left his bag behind. He grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him in the station and handed him back his bag.

He was extremely grateful and reached into his bag which appeared to contain large bundles of money. He looked around to make sure nobody was looking and whispered "I can never repay your kindness, but I will try to...with a word of advice for you: Stay away from Sunderland"

My friend was genuinely terrified. "Is there going to be an attack?" He asked him.

"No" ... he whispered back. "It's a shithole"

Crazy Christmas Wrapping Paper

Not for Nathan whatever he's called.

Unwrap here

True Story: Scouser Goes to Job Centre



"Hi... you know, I just HATE being on benefit mate, I'd really rather have a job."

"Well sir, your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes."

"Yeah!?"

"Also sir, because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is £200,000 a year".

"You're bullshittin' me!"

"Yeah, well, you started it."

KG's Palace

It's been a week of umming and ahhing but KG's seen the doctor and says the constipation should clear up in a week.

Nights out aren't hard to come by with us bunch of L-Heads but this Saturday sees a night in. Not just at any old house but KG's Palace.



If only eh?

KG's Palace - where dreams come true, excess is exceeded and where the drink flows like KG's waistline.

A starting time of 1pm was agreeed 'ad-hoc' as I dropped KG at the door from work tonight. I'm not too sure he's thought it through though, seeing as he finishes work at 12!

Following a few warm up lagers and a catch up on the goss and the latest in Soapland (yeah right!) the match will be ready to kick off. Remember that's warm up lagers and not warm please.

England vs. Argentina

90 minutes of Peter Crouch getting booed off the park sounds pretty appealing to me.



Slightly out of date but what the hell?

And then we all have the pleasure of being 'owned' by Pierre as he beats all comers on his X-Box which is making a special guest appearance after the England match.

But, just like an ice cube, we all have our melting point and well 9 hours of sitting around in the luxurious surroundings getting obliterated can be a bit too much for any hardcore drinker.

Fresh air is called for! At 10ish we're all off down Boro in an all out assault where we will try and fit in a normal Saturday night out in to 4 hours!

I can see this being a 4 spew minimum lads. Bring a bucket, don't want to ruin the carpet.

Runaway Tire

Remember that other one from a few weeks back? Well here's another one.

Click!

Thursday, November 10

Yoda's Birthday

Dear Readers,

Turns out that next Friday I'm down to attend a 90 year old womans birthday. No, it's not KG's latest acquisition from Chicago Rock but a neighbour of mine who has been around forever. Quite literally.

Mrs Stonehouse, funnily enough where she first lived, turns 90 next Friday and well the Heaney's are struggling to come up with a present.

I typed in Turbo Wheelchair into Google and it came up with this...



I want one!

No in all seriousness though 90 is a remarkable age considering she smokes 90 a day and sleeps in an oxygen tank with Michael Jackson.

Young Mrs S has done well having lived through two World Wars, one World Cup win and 20 odd years of me and Pete living across the road. But, the years haven't been so kind to her looks.
Here's Stoney at her last Birthday...



I am hoping that the breath required to blow all the candles out won't finish her off. To steal from Chubby Brown, "There was that many candles they baked the fucking cake!"

I can confirm though that I will of course trying it on with the birthday girl and will be getting on the dancefloor and busting a move and probably a few peoples feet with her wheels of steel.

Ideas for presents would be much appreciated.

KG



This slogan sums up all the KG's!! But everyone knows there is only ONE KG.

Fan Mail

Date: Thu, 10 Nov 2005 08:57:55 -0800

From: lolaland

Subject: Coronation Street blog

To: burnleywalletblog@yahoo.co.uk

I enjoyed reading your Mass Debate on Soap characters. Come on over and visit our Canadian Coronation Street blog called Corrie Canuck. . . http://corriestreet.blogspot.com

We're several months behind the UK in Corrie episodes but you still might find bits and pieces on the blog for your amusement.

Cheers,

MJ (a Corrie Canuck contributor)


No need for a letters page this week Pierre!! Someone actually wrote to the Wallet - I'm amazed!!

Thanks for the letter MJ, we shall be visiting Corrie Canuck regularly and ruining stories for months to come!!!

Sunderland Disaster Fund

Stolen from a poster on FMTTM but worthy of the Wallet me thinks.

SUNDERLAND ECHO DISASTER APPEAL

As you are probably aware a massive earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale struck Sunderland in the early hours. At the epicenter in Pennywell, victims were seen roaming around aimlessly muttering "wheeys keeys are theese". The earthquake decimated the entire area causing about 30 quid worth of damage. Several priceless collections of ashtrays from the Balearics and Tenerife were damaged beyond repair.


Three historic areas of burnt out cars, some over seven years old were disturbed. Many locals were awoken before their Giro's arrived. The Sunderland Echo reported that hundreds of locals were confused, bewildered and still trying to come to terms with the loss of Ladbrokes. One resident a Miss Sharon Smith, a 15 year old mother of six said "It was a shock to my little Chardonnay Mercedes. She came into my room crying and put me and Winston off our stroke but my youngest two Tyler Morgan and Brooklyn Romeo Rainbow luckily slept through it all. I was still shaking whilst watching Trisha the next day".

Apparently looting, mugging and car crime did carry on as normal. The Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4000 crates of lager into the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have recovered large amounts of belongings including Benefit Books, jewellery by Elizabeth Duke at Argos and finest bone china from Mad Harry's.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothes parcels for those caught up in the disaster. Clothing is urgently needed and amongst the most sought after items are;

Fila or Burberry Baseball Caps

Kappa Tracksuit Tops (his and hers)

Adidas Trackie Bottoms 3/4 length

White Socks

Rockport Boots

and anything else from the Donnay shop

Food parcels must take into consideration local tastes and should include Micro Meals, Pot Noodles, Baked Beanz, Super Noodles, Sausage Rolls and Greggs pasties for the babies. Special brew or Thunderbird would also be gratefully received.

Every little helps. Remember:

22p buys a biro to help fill in a compensation form

£2.00 buys chips with curry and blue Panda pop for a family of nine

£5.00 buys 20 BandH and a box of Swan Vestas to calm the nerves of a grieving ten year old

Please don't send tents for shelter as the sight of posh accommodation is unfair on the residents of Hendon and Southwick.

Look North tonight

Is running a competition asking its viewers to send in a picture of there favourite part of Newcastle. Well here's my entry:-



THE A19 SOUTHBOUND BACK TO TEESSIDE!!!

Dream Team Update

Seeing as though we have an international break, its a good time to keep us all posted on our Dream Team Competition. Me and Pete have hit a bit of form and its not the 1 horse race we all thought. Mikey may be made to eat his own words - (Probs not the best phrase when it comes to Mikey as he wouldn't think twice about eating them)


Mikey's Mongs

1. Fridel 36
2. McCartney 0
3. Naysmith 0
4. Upson 21
5. A Ferdinand 43
6. Reid 11
7. Lampard 130
8. Downing 10
9. Geremi 14
10. Rooney 56
11. Van Nistelrooy 68

Total - 389

KG's Kings

1. Martyn 32
2. Mellberg 10
3. Spector -4
4. Knight 7
5. Queudrue 53
6. Rommedahl 22
7. Stelios 33
8. Gerrard 75
9. Henry 70
10. Defoe 40
11. Forsell 20

Total - 358

Pete's Pricks

1. Jaaskelainen 59
2. Samuel -2
3. Queudrue 53
4. Clement 1
5. Spector -4
6. Pires 38
7. Robben 30
8. Okocha 16
9. Arca 14
10. Van Nistelrooy 68
11. Drogba 57

Total - 330

So Mikey has a 31 point lead over me and 59 point lead over Pete. Its hotting up on the Burnley Wallets finest gambling competition.

Be Afraid Chiefs

Be very fucking afraid.

'Review' coming soon, if we can remember what it's like.

Wednesday, November 9

Living Life on the Hedge

So here we go - another run down of events from another wild night the Boro!!

Mr Heaney, mine and Pierres Pa kindly picked myself, KG and Chris up and got us to the town for a 3.30pm kick off.

Hogshead

We started in the Hogshead, as you do or as we used to and straight on to Stellas. KG got the fruit machine urges out of the way and despite being shouted at to not put £20 in (yes, £20!!) he did and came up trumps winning the jackpot!! This was a sign of things to come. We had a few pints in here and got loosened up and watched the scores come in to. Then on to...

Lloyds

I got my night out money from the cash machine in here and when I put my hand in to collect my £100 I only went and found a tenner that someone had left behind!! This did however its downside as I was made to buy dinner for the three of us. KG compromised and went halfers with his Jackpot winnings and we all munched a burger each with a couple more pints. It was n't even 5pm yuet but already there was a cracking atmosphere down the town - it was going to be a good night!

Having left Lloyds, it was decided to go to Scruffy Murphys next but Chris had to nip in to Superdrug. For those not familiar with Superdrug in Middlesbrough it has a cage door on the front for when it is locked up. When unlocked, like it was, it swings about freely. So, on hops KG who was feeling his 4 pints of Stella already and starts swinging in to it while I'm shouting at Chris to hurry up.

Woman at counter: "They with you?"

Chris: "No."

KG then jumped off, crouched on the floor and asked the next family that went by, "Penny for the guy?"

Mohans

But I thought you were going to Scruffy Murphys I hear you cry. Well we did and this is what it is now called. It's still as scruffy and Irish inside. My last pint in here before we went round to...

TS1


Remember Table Football with a 2p at school? Well we played it for a good 30 mins in here with an empty Smirnoff Ice bottle. As bad as it sounds it was amazingly addictive. It was dead in here mind.

Dickens Inn

We managed to catch the last half of Wigan vs. Pompey in here which was pretty good. I also treat us all to a shot of Aftershock cocktail in here (a drop of all the aftershock flavours combined) which left us all blown away! Continuing up Southfield Road we went to...

Star and Garter



Pictured above is me wearing a feather found on the floor from presumably a feather boa some hen night was wearing (I hope!). It quickly became a 'tash much to everyones amusement. Especially mine.

Southfield



After a good crack with barmaids and outrageous flirting with one of them she treat us to some free badges which can be seen covering KG's eyes!! Why didn't we keep them KG or put any on?
After leaving here we were all pretty far gone now so as you do we started scrapping in the street in a fake British Wrestling Easy Easy style. Chris held up KG for the big chops to the chest before KG caught with a right hand which bust me gum open. This called for a double team and me and Chris double clotheslines KG who is teetering close the bushes by the University.

He's going to go and with a final prod he falls bang smack in this hedge. I was laughing so much I nearly passed out! Absolutely genius - up there with the shopping trolley from last year.

Chris pulled him out and KG was covered in thistles and hedge.

"Is me back alright? Am I muddy?"

With it covered in mud, me and Chris gave a knowing wink, "It's fine KG - nowt there mate!!"

Tavern

After getting ourselves sorted we got to the Tavern for another bottle and KG cleaned himself up!! I was still giggling to meself!

Taxi

Back to the centre of town now and we flagged a taxi down on Linthorpe. The driver was up for a laugh so we had a good crack with him. About halfway there I covered his vision up with my hand.

Me: "Seen those army adverts mate?!"

KG: "Dim the lights, enemy road block ahead turn right!! Right right right!!"

Driver was laughing his head off, not sure why he couldn't see where he we was going but he got us there!

Lloyds

No money this time but plenty more booze.

Yates

I alost did a dead fly in here (lay on the floor and gyrate much like a dead fly or dying fly I suppose) but thought better of it. Thank God!! All had a test tube in here to keep the drunkedness levels up and then we were off to....

Trader Jacks

I only recall having one bottle of VK Ice in here but apparently we had two. Some funny stuff on the dancefloor in here. The DJs, although bonafide lardheads, do keep it fairly entertaining. I also recall dancing my arse off on a chair.

Walkabout

Oz Bar was next on the list. I went for a freshen up in the bogs a squirt of maftershave and a handwash. Starts talking to this blokey. "Yeah mate, it's all gonna kick off in here when I go back up there - proper riot! Ya up for it? Gonna tear it apart!!! Meet ya up there!!" I was of course talking shite but this gadgie was well up for it and almost dragged me up the stairs.

After leaving Walkabout we bypassed a fair few pubs on Albert Road and Chris was also absolutely shit faced now. So much so that he decided enough was enough and it was time for home.

Vienna

Which left us two to carry on in Vienna. I have little recollection of being in here!!

After Vienna we forced our way round to CRC - agian no memory of getting there but we did.

Chicago Rock Cafe

KG and myself cracked on with these birds who apparently had seen us in Trader Jacks, "Yeah saw you on the chairs in TJs!"

"Oh man, forgot about that!"

Well this one bird KG was talking to thought I was called Mighty. Which will do for me but the body building arm flexes won't!

I then met up with Michelle and sat with her for ages. Don't recall much else!! Well and truly pissed!!

Absolute cracker of a night.

Tuesday, November 8

Simply the Finest Game Ever

Gran Turismo? Too many cars.

GTA? It's OK.

Metal Gear? Pacman in drag.

This is where it's at.

Current best stands at 27900.

Challenge is on.

Coming Tomorrow

A full recap of the truly awesome night and day in Boro that myself, KG and Chris had.

Jackpots, finding money, fighting, badges for eyes, army driving in a taxi, KG in a hedge and a whole lot more.

It was a classic.

Looks More Like Obi Wan

Monday, November 7

Kids TV Themes

Here, chiefs.

Also, if you close your eyes really tight and stick your fingers into your tear ducts really hard you can relive the "hyperspace" style intro credits from Dr Who.

Honest.

Mass Debate 5: Soap Characters

This is one for the girls and some of you sad lads who are forced to watch it with the missus but we secretly know you love it.

EastEnders, Corrie, Emmerdale, Brooky and all the rest. Television viewed in its millions but who is the best character of all time and why?

Lets Mass Debate.......



The return of Grunt Mitchell actually made me watch Eastenders again the last few weeks but the sheer dire shite that fill up the rest of the 25 minutes I can't bear to watch so I have since stopped. He did however make it good and is probably for a lot of you first choice.

But before you jump the gun consider these beauts....



Peggy Mitchell, a personal fave from Eastenders for me as well as Pat Butcher.

From Corrie we of course have 73 year veteran Ken Barlow who deserves a mention for his staying power. Especially with Bo Selecta glasses provider Dierdre Racheed. Now back to Barlow I think.

Other Corrie classics are Jack and Vera, Les Battersby, and the legendary Jim "What about ye?" McDonald. The list is endless - I mean I even missed off Les Dennis' Mavis character and Curly, nah, not Curly - he was a wanker.

Emmerdale is a hotbed of brilliance too. Frank Tate, Kim Tate, Paddy ("Ya tool") and KG lookalike Mandy Dingle. Mandy Dingle, who allegedly entered her entire archive of Emmerdale footage to You've Been Framed since everytime she was on the screen people were laughing, is now kept in a swimming pool in Sea World.

Who'll forget Zack and Ned's fued (a lot of people I imagine), the plane crash, the return of Kim and all the other unbelievable plot lines, for example - Seth dying. He's been dead for the past 15 years as far as I can tell.



And what ever happened to Alan?

As you've probably gathered I watched soaps pretty intensely from about 1994 to 1999 from the characters mentioned.

KG I think you were a Brooky fan so you will have to fill us in there.

Let's not forget about Neighbours and Home and Away. Well we can forget Home and Away cos it was shit but Ramsay Street fans will have already compared me to the great man that is Harold Bishop.

I mean he can play the Tuba - not a lot of people can you know!! And, he faked his own death but came back and married Madge who was quite a looker in her day. Good work Harold.

As for other Neighbour characters well, not many really spring to mind other than the various birds like Annalise (phwoar!) and that one with huge chest - wait I've already mentioned Harold.



As you can see above - life is good when you look like Harold. That may, in fact, be me!

But for me the ultimate soap character can only be one person and that is...



Frank Butcher

"JEEERRRRRRNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNAH!!!!!!!!"

Another legend and my pick of the crop.

Ladies and gents get commenting!!! If I don't get a good response I'll stop Mass Debating (yeah right!!!)

Crazy Yanks

Just watch the following video's

Smackfest 2005

and

Fear Factor

The mostril 5000

A see Kate Moss has brought her own hoover out eh?

Click to see it

Bird Flu spreading

Everton v Boro

In crystal clear Beacon-o-vision.

Small problem whilst there though, this bloke asked me to knock the volume up (sat under the tv you see), so I duly obliged.

Pressed the wrong button, and knocked the channel over instead!

Cue boos and much fear inside of me, but this slaphead came to my rescue and put it right.

Thing was, had me Hasslebaink Boro top on, and this geezer comments "Never seen Jimmy go so white!".

Fucking tossbag.

Sunday, November 6

Shadow monkeys

This is brilliant!

Saturday, November 5

Bonfire Night

"Careful with that sparkler son, you'll have the cats eye out. Oh I see, that's what you're trying to do!"

Fireworks? Nah.

Bonfire? Nah.

3pm start in Boro with KG and fellow lardheads? Yes please.

Friday, November 4

I defy you.......

....not to piss yourself while reading this.

I'm off to get cleaned up.

Thursday, November 3

Football Magic

Maradona, Ronaldinho and Ronaldo all showcasing their talents.

Click here and be amazed. Not as good as me at five a side though.

Wednesday, November 2

Everton v Boro on PPLive

PPLive is a piece of software from our chums in Asia, which broadcasts Premiership footy through the magic of the netwebthingy.

So, chiefs, here we go. Listen carefully.

Right, click this link "HERE" and then left click save target as. This downloads the PPlive installer, so then find the file you downloaded and give it a double click.

When it's installed and what have you, launch it form the desktop shortcut and you'll get a lil 'P' in your system tray (near the clock for technophobes). Right click this and then left click 'Switch Language' as it's much easier to use in English rather than Taiwanese or whatever.

Then right click again, and move across from channel list. Ths is where the guessing begins. The list of games "HERE" shows the channels showing them. These channels are NOT named the same in PPLive. There is one called soccer though, and this is your best bet.

When you pick this, some little bubbles come up, and things are in motion. When it's collected enough data it will launch Windows media Player, and after a while (10-15 mins) you will start getting a picture. After some more time this will stop fucking about and settle to a smooth watchable picture, even in full screen. With patience you can watch the match.

So give it a try, you never know. It might just work.

How to Watch Boro v Dnipro on Thursday on Sky

Because SKY are just a pack of cunts, they haven't let ITV start broadcasting on their nice digi boxes yet, so Boro fans with SKY digi wouldn't get to see the match. Or the new Kojak, hmmm, can't wait for that eh?

So chiefs, to stick one in the eye of SKY and say "Hi TV" to ITV (oof) just follow these simple instructions!

ITV 4 is available on Sky from 7th November on channel 120.

But in the meantime...

1. Press 'services' button.

2. Press 4 - 'system setup'

3. Press 4 - 'Add channels'

4. Enter the following:
Frequency: 10.758
Polarity: V
Synbol rate: 22.0
FEC: 5/6

5. Choose find channels.

6. Highlight channel '10072'

7. Press 'Yellow' to add channel

To watch the channel:

1. Press 'services'

2. Select 'other channels'

3. Highlight 10072 and press select.

This is not, I repeat NOT rocket science. My 2 year old Staffy did this for me this morning. Bless him.

Coming soon: Everton v Boro on Sunday with PPlive through the magic of the net.

Why Golf is Mint

Because suddenly, it's really quite cool apparently. You see?

Competition Time

So chiefs, seeing as how we're quite popular in blog world these days (12 people some days!) we're offering the chance to win a once in a lifetime opportunity!

Yes, by answering some simple questions, you could:

COME DRINKING WITH US IN BORO!!

That's right, win your chance to accompany the legendary Wallet bandwagon round the town for a night of booze, bars, and something else beginning with a B. Burgers.

Just answer these simple questions about the Walleteers:

1. What is Mike's middle name?

2. What sort of car did KG 'break' on the A19 on the way back from a WWE event in Geordieland?

3. What size feet does Pierre have?

Put your answers in the comments along with your e-mail address, and we'll contact you if you've won. Rules and conditions below.

No entry to friends or family of the walleteers. That means you Phil. You can come anyway. Women may not enjoy the experience. Winner must supply own refreshements. The BW is not reponsible for illness or injury. Anything we haven't thought of also counts, to pull ourselves out of a legal minefield.

News from Wallets-ville

As Chrimbaloid rapidly approaches chiefs, a little update on all things Wallet.

No doubt you will have noticed our new ads for Redseven, the top notch stag do company. No word from them since we asked for a discount like. Strange. We even got paid a bit for this, a wallet first.

The big trip to London has been called off, due to Chelsea's ludicrous pricing policy. I mean, 48 quid to watch the Boro get spanked/lose heroically/grind out a draw/surprise everyone. Bit much, even for hardcore Boro nutter KG.

I was supposed to be going to Belgium with my works, but that has been postponed for unknown reasons till Q1 2006, which I presume means after Chrimbaloid.

Well that's about it chiefs. And remember, don't have nightmares. Sleep Safely.

Tuesday, November 1

St George's Day

Come on everyone get voting for good old St George's day to be turned into a public holiday and hopefully an extra day off work!

Vote Here

Boxing Day Dip

Every year the people of Teesside decide to go for a swim in the North Sea on Boxing Day morning.

The idea is you get people to sponsor you in aid of charity to raise money for the ones less fortunate than you and me.

How about one of us lot doing it, or in fact all of us?

Between us we could raise some serious tatey what through our works and what have you.

So what do you say?

Note - our chosen charity is http://burnleywallet.blogspot.com charity number 78565

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