Monday, October 31

Redcar Bore Draw

Am not going to put much in to this poor effort of a night out. It was a bit of a stinker but you can't have a classic every week I suppose. Especially down Redcar!!

Dirty Richard

I went and picked up Dirty Richard our Redcar dwelling chum so he wouldn't miss the first few pints in the delights of Eston and Normanby. We all met up at Keiths house - me, Dirty R, Phil, Moss and Pattren. Sound like a bunch of rappers.

We (amazingly) jumped on a bus to save the long walk in to Eston Square which cost an extortionate 60p each - would have been cheaper in a taxi. Robbing gets.


The match was just finishing in here. 4-1 the final score as KG has so rightly reminded us. Had a couple of drinks in here and then walked round to....

The Normanby

Had another in here and waited for Keith who arrived 15 mins later. We then set about looking for a taxi for 6 of us down Redcar which was an absolute mare. We gave in, booked one that would arrive in 45 mins time and decided to have a few more in the Stap.

Stap Again

Everyone was having a good piss take in here, a lot of it at my expense from 27 stone lard-mouth Moss.


We were just leaving the pub when a fella pulled up outside in his mini bus. After asking him how much to Redcar, he said "Jump on lads, £2 each."


Ye Olde Bookmaker, Redcar

Packed in here, I nearly got knocked out by the lethal toilet door which opens outwards into the oncoming public. Met Keith's sister Kathryn in here who was off her face.

Drinking up we went to...

The Royal

Usual bag of tricks in here, some good tunage and vodka red bull but not much else happening.

Plimsoll Line

Got a cracking video of Dirty Richard off his face on neat vodka in here. He drank two trebles straight back to back - the mad twat!

Me and KG polished off a jug of Vodka Red Bull for old times sake and then we were off to Aruba.


Not too bad in here but none of us were really up for messing about so we sort of chilled out and took the piss. There wasn't much atmosphere or anything anyway. Just full of lardheads and really really young people. Moss got hold of one of these halloween pointy hats everyone had on which quickly became a megaphone aimed at everyone that went past.

Classic moment came when KG got the whole place singing the Boro Pigbag song when the music went off due to the fight/bouncer alarm.

The Deck

Paid a fiver to get in here and we must have stayed 15 minutes. Shite!!! KG got humped by Rachel Newton - Wallet fan Emma Miller's sister.

Then everyone got a bit of grub and we fucked off home. I say grub it was from the burger van on the front. Burgers made from the bits they leave out of dog food.

It was dissapointing to say the least!! Good crack but the mess about looking for a taxi down there pissed us all off and Kathryn being wrecked had KG worried so he wasn't as daft! Not enough pubs either - there's a good ten in Boro before the nightclub. So if one is bad you aren't stuck and you are bound to get at least five good ones.

Deffo back to Boro next week lads!!

Middlesbrough Urban Legends

Cracking read on people, legends, stories and what have you from around Boro.


The Special One

The World according to Mourinho. A cracking set of quotes collated by BBC.

Sunday, October 30

Boro 4-1 Man Utd

29th October 2005, that will live long in my memory as a Middlesbrough fan.

To quote Steve McClaren - "We were MAGNIFICENT" but this time we actually were. All 11 starters plus the subs all played there part in what, for me is the BEST performance by Boro at the Riverside.

Not only did we beat United but we battered them, as soon as that first whistle blew we competed for everything, showed the passion and desire that has been missing in the majority of home games this season.

Schwarzer, although wasn't called upon as much as you'd think playing UTD, dominated his 18 yard box. The 3 centre half's French Frank, Matty Bates and Chris Riggott were superb, and kept possibly 2 of the best strikers in world football very quiet. Pogatetz and Parnaby frequently got bombed forward playing as wing backs to help the attackers. The Boat bossed the midfield, with Rochemback and Mendi (who was my man of the match) the creative flair. and then the 2 strikers Jimmy and The Yak bullied UTD's defence and ran them ragged.

Football is a funny old game, I thought we were going a bit stale and we'd become predictable and boring to watch. We used to play players out of position and we'd be content at keeping the game close and tight, the fans didn't like that and boo's could be heard ringing around the ground at more or less every home game. Well hopefully the match last night put an end to all that, we have found a formation that suits the players we have.

We are a good team with very good players, Come on Boro lets keep it up and build on last nights awesome victory.

If you would like to add your thoughts on Boro's best game at the Riverside leave us a comment.

Massive Comment

Cheers to the gadgie who has broken the record for the longest comment in Wallet history in the Hurricane Wilma post below.

As if to prove his point here we

Saturday, October 29

Bird Flu Hits France

Thursday, October 27

Hurricane Wilma in all her glory!

Thanks Mothercare....

For Pimping my Ride!

Germans and a Waterbed.

It's genius, espeically the 2 fat women at the end!


Wednesday, October 26

Knackered Keybard

Me Keybard is playing up and wn't let me use a certain letter.

Can yu guess what letter that is?

Am hping Pete can srt us ut with a new ne ASAP!

therwise am ff t PC wrld fr a new fancy dan ne like this:-

Expensive Keybard

In Case You Missed It

Mass Debate 4: Stand Up Comedians

DVD of the Week: Ross Noble - Sonic Waffle

Ross Noble?

Yeah, he's a mental Geordie bloke who's mind wonders off more than a demented three year old but it funnily enough turns into a comic treat known as Sonic Waffle.

Funniest bits?

The story about him nearly getting stabbed in an alley which he keeps starting to tell then wonders off and coming back to it before finally coming back on once the show has finished to tell us the punchline. Plus the bit about Elton John and midgets and Chris Reeves: The Musical. "Imagine the dances!!!"

So what's the DVD like?

Top draw and value for money. You get the full main show, plus his appearance on Jack Dee's show and a load of extras. Plus little card things with the packaging.

So what are the extras like?

Well he does a commentary on his show. He then does another commentary on top of that. He also does a commentary on his Jack Dee appearance with a Chinese interpreter. And there's even a Faces in Muffins game.

Faces in Muffins?

Watch the DVD.

How Much?

£17.99 in HMV. But you do a get a packed DVD.

Good then?



Easily the best thing ever.


Yet again.....

The Simpsons provides genius from the higher level.

Check out the third "Episode Allusion".

How Much Effort?

This is just simply amazing!!

Well done to FoldsFive on B3ta.

Tuesday, October 25

Eastenders Recap

"MAKE ME!!!"


Dene duna diddlerde doooo!

Vowel please Carole!

DVD's for sale

I'm having a clear out and have the follwing DVD's for sale:-

I only want an Aryton Senna for the lot, if your interested, leave us a comment, bit keep it hush hush from Mikey!

Monday, October 24


Ronaldo charges dropped....

Police failed to obtain a semen specimen from the woman, it appears Ronaldo did a lot of useless dribbling but nothing in the box!!

Badum - Tish!!

Another Funny Footy clip.

Stupid Keeper!

A True Classic

In every sense of the word. Saturday was a simply classic night out for the boys.

Here's what went down...

Lift off Shazza

Mrs Groves eh? Legend. She gave me, KG and Chris (KG's bro in case you don't know) a lift down there and had a giggle with us boys. I threatened some ballroom dancing in Chicago's after a bout of Brucey in the 10 mins waiting for her to pick us up.

The Dickens Inn

KG seriously pussied out in here. I had nearly finished my first pint before he started.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks.

"Apart from obesity?"

Was just one of the classic lines we were hurling at each other in here. KG couldn't stop doing Max from Max and Paddy impressions - he was doing them for about the first three hours. "Patrick - you tool!" was his favourite and most annoying.

Turns out his poor pint effort was down to drinking a bottle of vodka the night before with his uncle . Ouch. Some cracking tunes in the Dickens at the moment as well.

Star and Garter

Our only session of fruit machines was in here and KG won a few quid. More "Ya tool!" from the obsessed KG.

The Southfield (the following is littered with obscure wrestling references, skip ahead if you want. Glen and Pete might get it.)

Having been served and what have you, we stood near the bar and this lad comes in with full on waist length long hair, leather coat and a hat on.

"It's the Undertaker!!" cries KG - old school WWF fans us you know.

"Yer joking, where?"

"At the bar!"

"Fuck me! My god King, it's the Undertaker! (in JR voice)."

"Dead man walking! He's gonna tombstone piledrive ya!!"

I took a photo of him which I'll get put onto my Flickr account.

"If he catches you Hean - he'll chokeslam you through the window!!"

"I'll just powerbomb him. KG - get the tables!! Mind you he'll just sit right back up!"

He went and sat outside and we kept going. Including brilliant renditions of....

Kid Rock's American Bad Ass


Limp Bizkit's Rollin'

with full on hand/arm movement as if cruising in our low riders.

"My god King - it's the Big Red Fruit Machine!! Undertaker's brother is in the Southfield." was also a terrible line used!!

KG then of course did the eyes in the back of the head routine.

So anyway, back to reality wrestling fans!!......

Taxi to Lloyds

Jumps in a taxi outside Southfield and I asks the driver his name. Believe it or not he was called Taz!

So the piss take began.

KG spent a minute doing the Tazmanian devil. Rarrazzafrazzlemerooozzzz!

Then I started...

"Car 23 over, ya there Sally, it's Taz. Over." In thick Max accent.

"Hiya Taz!" in thick Boro scally accent.

"Sally, Taz here. Drop off at lloyds, 3 lardheads pick up. Over."

"£3 Taz."

"Car 23, Taz again, I am off on me break Sally, going to get another 'pick up' sally, ten four."

"Another pick up Taz? On ya break?"

"You know, rhymes with destitute."

"What ya on about car 23?"

"Forget it Sally, ya tool, am going for a hand job."

I don't think he saw the funny side but us three were in stitches.


It was upskirt heaven in Lloyds. Dirty birds all stood by the balcony upstairs with amazingly short skirts on allegedly oblivious to the craned necks from below. 100 blokes all looking upwards must give it away!! They love it. Slurped up fairly quickly as I recall, in fact we may have had two, I'm not certain.


KG got almost stung at the bar when he was charged for an invisible bottle of Bud! He got us a Red WKD which, even though they use him to advertise it on their billboards (picture soon), tastes absolutely minging.

Trader Jacks

Got in a bottle of mankey VK Ice each and got trapped by the huge crowd. I lead the way through to the front door and we got the leather sofa there. Did a lot of sitting down on Saturday!! It was scorching hot in here mind and the scantily clad staff weren't helping.


We crossed over and walked into a ton of trouble outside Walkabout, bouncers were kicking off with someone so we went round to Blue.


Grabbed the sofas in the little booth bit and had a giggle in here. Some gadgie gave us VIP tickets for The Basement which was opening that very night.

"Where is it then?"

"Underneath here."

"Yer joking!"

"Time does it open?"


With it being just after 9.30pm we went back round to Walkabout.


Had a bit of a dance and mess on in here. These lasses were being hassled near us by a lardhead so me and KG stuck up for em and he soon cleared off! I've also found out that when I asked KG what song he was asking for at the DJ boothm, I had actually interrupted him from asking the DJ to make an announcement....

"Big shout out for Mikey who has lost three pounds this week at Weightwatchers!!!!!"

The Basement

So back round the corner and we walked in with tickets in hand. I was very surprised to find it was really quite smart and decked with chairs very much like the one below. I am getting me one of those babies.

I got sat on one and Chris did and KG was left on a stool at the end of my recliner style one.

So to the tune of fresh Prince of Bel Air...

Now this is the story all about how
My life got flipped, turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there
Ill tell you how I got thrown right off of my chair

I'm sat on the recliner drinking my drink,
Started as a laugh and I started to think
chilling out, maxing, relaxing with fools,
Drinking smirnoff and acting all cool
when a couple of guys, up to no good,
started making trouble in my neighbourhood.
I got threw off one time and I was scared
but said do it again cos now am prepared!

Which sort of means KG tipped the chair up once and me over. Then when I got back on I was urging him to do it again. When he did I took a mega Jackass tumble and then beat up KG before we left.

Leaflet Giver Outers

On the corner of Albert Road opposite Walkabout there are always a load of people giving out leaflets. KG asks the LGO for a kiss and promises he'll go to the place advertised on the leaflet.

"Giz a kiss and al go - a promise."

So she does! Me seeing the potential and being totally pissed...

"How bout a shag?"

It was worth the slap.


Went to the bottle bar at the back and were quickly followed in by these two mad lasses who were high as kites. Starts chatting and dancing and that, like you do, and manages to get one of their numbers. I also got shown some tattoos.

They weren't on her shoulder or ankle, but just below both arse cheeks and on on her inner thigh. Jesus! They weren't shy believe me. Some good footage on KG's phone of me wooing the ladies!

They were insistent on going to the Cornerhouse but we weren't so went to....

Chicago Rock

Even the queue managed to go quickly such was the smooth running of the night. We clocked in and I managed to lose both Chris and KG within two minutes. I thought they'd both gone home and left me to it. Chris was absolutely monged and did go home after another half hour before he fell asleep in there.

KG got a second wind after a bit of a moan and got talking to these lasses from Newcastle. One of was more of a granny than a lass but her breasts were well, one of them had its own capital city it was that big. He went in for the big lip smack and was met with a fag and disease riddled mouth so disgusting, he was almost sick. Better than Wurzel though eh KG?!!

We left about 1.30ish I think as nothing was happening and hometime it was....


KG cracked into Pizza 2k or whatever the hell it's called and got his mandatory parmo.

So on the way to catching a taxi I was feeling iller and iller and decided to spew with a little help from KG ("Go on Mikey - spew for the camera!!") who managed to film it all on his phone!

I've watched it back - I do not look well. If Pete can sort it - we'll try and get it hosted somewhere.

I even manage to end the video with, "Why, right, did you tip me off that chair in The Basement?"


Managed to flag one down and gets in. KG advises that I have a lasses number in my phone.

"Oh aye yeah!!" I says.

So I rings this number from Barracuda for directions to the orgy! Thorntree I'm told. Aka Little Baghdad.

We got to Thorntree but couldn't find the place. Thank God. So off home we went.

KG's phone then kept going - his ringtone is I Predict a Riot. Us two in the back of your car having a mini riot is not good. The driver - I felt sorry for the poor bloke so I offered to swap glasses with him. Why, I don't know. Maybe cos these ones keep breaking all the time!

"Fancy swapping glasses mate?"

"But I already have a pair."

I looked at KG and mouthed, "Swap?!"

"No mate, swap em."

"But I already have a pair mate."

"Swap chief, you know, exchange."

"Why do I want your bloody glasses."

"Alright chief! Calm down,....................I PREDICT A RIOT!!!!" and we were off again braying each other and the chairs and the windows!!

Classic night out. I climbs into bed and receives a text off this screwball with the tattoos in Barry Cuba. She's up for a 'date' tomorrow.

Well this all leads into what happened on Sunday, check back later!!! In fact I'm not sure I want to relive it.

Blast from the Past

Cheers for the comment Emma.

Eastenders Recap

"Hello Mum!"

Mass Debate 4: Stand Up Comedians

This week.....

Who tickles your ribs?

Who leaves you wetting yourself?

Who's one liners stop you in your tracks?

Who is the best stand up comedian?

Lets all...

Mass Debate

Wikipedia says: -

A stand-up comedian or stand-up comic is someone that performs comedy in an informal way, talking to the audience with the absence of a fourth wall. It is usually done by one comedian and usually with a microphone. It can be done in comedy clubs, colleges, theaters, alternative venues--almost anywhere an audience is open to comedy. The comic usually recites a fast paced succession of amusing stories, short jokes (called bits) and one-liners, typically called a monologue, routine or act. Some stand-up comedians use props, music, or magic tricks in their acts.

So who, today is the best in the business?

Chubbs, Lee Evans, Ross Noble, Harry Hill, Ken Dodd, Al Murray, Jonny Vegas, Jack Dee, Peter Kay, Dave Spikey, Jimmy Carr

It's a big old list, and that's just the British contingent. All brilliant and all will no doubt have a new DVD out for Christmas.

Me? I'm a fan of Kay, Dee and Noble, not seen much of Dodd but he's meant be genius.

So come on people - who's your favourite and why?

And what about Gervais, his two shows have been brilliant. This could get messy!!

Get mass debating now!

Nathan Paylor

Who you'll no doubt remember, is the 'Anti-Wallet', has got his own blog. Bless.

Surely it will be about him shaking off the shackles of religion and shagging about and throwing up?


It's about religion. I think. I fell asleep after two words.

Have a look he..................zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Saturday, October 22

Work Lunch of the Week

Since Monday to Thursday was perhaps the busiest time of the year at work for me, Friday's pub visit to Dr Browns wins this weeks lunch of the week hands down.

What made it even more special was I had my drink bought for me. What made it special-er though, was whilst almost all of us got baguettes, I don't know if it was a shortage of bread or something but as each one came out they seemed to be getting smaller and smaller. So, when mine came out loaded with bacon and full size I was chuffed to bits. Gorgeous as well.

Friday, October 21


"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

Jack Handy

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

Frank Sinatra

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

Henny Youngman

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

Stephen Wright

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

Brian O'Rourke

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

Dave Barry

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

Dave Howell

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Cliff from Cheers

Thursday, October 20

Fifteen Hundred and One

Ah Friday, here already. Well tomorrow anyway but no time like the present to start looking forward to the weekend, which officially started at about 2pm today and will end at 9.00am on Monday.

What's that? 67 hours of absolute brilliance?

But as for me, this Friday, I think, I will be staying home to contemplate the Saturday night out.

But hang on, what happened to last Saturday KG? Seeing as you saw the whole night out and I didn't (quite literally as me geggs broke!). Where is the goddam review eh?

A few questions...

Are we out this Friday?

Don't look like it.

How come?

Phil, Pete, Jo, Emma and Tot of the Year Abbie (I may be wrong) are going to Scarborough or somewhere for a bit of a caravnning weekend.

So what about you and KG, why don't you lads get out there?

Well I'd go out at the drop of a hat.

Do you wear one?

No, but you know what I mean.

So why won't KG?

Think he's skint but he's probably at work anyway on Saturday.

Work on a Saturday?

I know, bonafide lardhead!

So Saturday night then?

Yeah, looking like another night in the Boro and I'm hoping to complete it this time!!

So what about Sunday?

Well it's becoming quite a tradition for KG to take us over to BK aka Burger King at Teesside Park for the ultimate end to the weekend. Fucking gorgeous. In fact I'm quite looking forward to it.

Any comments on bird flu?


Saddam Hussein?


Anything else to say?


Wednesday, October 19

1500th Blog

Thats right, this is our 1500th blog.

Mikey has been the main contributor so far but we all bring our little something to The Burnley Wallet and thats what makes it so great.

Here's to the next 1500

Well Done everyone.

Horse Racing Tip

Heard a whisper today for next years 2000 Guineas at Newmarket

The race doesn't run until 01/05/2006 but the horse is currenlty trading at 12/1 best price.

The name of the horse is "Sir Percy"

Read about "Sir Percy" courtesy of

Wonder what Gambling Joey thinks, thats if he still reads the wallet!

GTA Vice City in real life

Funny this like. Click.

Tuesday, October 18

Waking Up is Hard to Do

14 hours of PC a day is probably not very good for my health and leaves me feeling pretty damned tired on a morning. Waking up is hard to Do.

Alarm is generally set for 7am. The plan being to get up, get out, scream and shout, grab the day by the horns and kick the world in the face.

Sadly however, when the alarm goes off, the phones genius "snooze" function is put into play.

This isn't just nine extra minutes in bed.

This is 9 luxurious, divine, dream swept, duvet covered moments of bliss easing away the tired feeling your currently experiencing.

This is done until the clock finally reached 7.54am when Keith "Lou Carpenter" Groves texts through...

"Hey Boo Boo, we are gonna get me some pic-a-nic baskets today?!"

Not really, he asks what time we are going to work.

"8.50 chief." is the standard answer.

Waking up? Who needs it?

Neighbours is 20 yrs old

A great reason to show a Harold Bishop picture (A.K.A Mikey)

"Jelly Belly"

Topical gag or not as the case me be

What's the best thing about an Ethiopian blowjob?

You know she'll swallow!

Go on then here's one for ya.....

I had that bird flue all last week, I weren't half peckish.

Possibly the best job in the world?

I think it has to be up there with a Lager Tasting Engineer!

Mikey you should deffo apply.

Plenty of Experience!

Monday, October 17

Back Abigail

As Teesside's cutest tot!!

Text TOTS 2096 to 87023 NOW!!!!

Add your name and postcode and press SEND!!!!

Only a quid ish to make her the happiest kid in the Boro!!

Stallone back in ring for Rocky 6

Read all about it!!

Get in there!! Stallone is back and if you read the very last sentence, so is Rambo.

The battle continues - still no reply from mind. Bastards.


There's only one thing positive coming out of the club at the moment...

On The Beer - Weekend One

Of course, chiefs, Satda was THE DAY.

Went to the match and had a pint with 3/5 of the immediate Groves clan. And how sweet it was.

Easily the nicest pint I've ever consumed. I did, however, spend the next 105 minutes pissing it out, due to my body not taking in a pint of fluid in such a small time for a month or so. In fact, my half time piss nearly lasted the duration of the interval.

So, onwards and ever upwards to the town, and round the pubs for a few drinks to celebrate the career of a workmate. Poor lad got quite emotional, bless. Still won't tell us what he's doing though.

Got in at 3 in the morning, having heard tales of Mikey breaking his glasses. Could only happen to Mikey.

So back in the full drinking routine now, and off to Scarbro' on Friday for the weekend. Probs just stay pissed for the 3 nights. Mint.

How Dodgy Are You?

Click here to find out!

I managed a pitiful 20 years in jail and a £4,500 fine. I reckon some of our friends will be getting a lot higher!!

Saturday, October 15

He Survived?!?!?

Apparently he did, but fuck me, how I don't know!! Click!

Friday, October 14

Genius Exam Answer

Thursday, October 13

Kick a man whilst he's down

Dozy Physio!

Steve McLarens Next Signing

How Unlucky can you get?


Speeding saves lives.

Sometimes feel like your never getting anywhere?

Table Tennis

Matrix Style

How things used to be.

Before I started work as a Civil servant for the Department for Work and Pensions I spent a good 6 months on the Dole or "Rock and Roll" as we refer to it.

This was a good 3 and a half years ago now like, and I'd like to share with you, what my normal Friday used to be like.

  • 8.30am, our Mam would wake me up just before she set off on the School run and then onto work, in time for me to walk to Eston to the Job Centre to sign on.
  • 9.00am, I would arrive at Hadrian House Eston, with all the other deadbeats and stand in a queue, normally sweating buckets after me long walk.
  • 9.10am, My advisor, Marie would call me over and ask me the usual questions "Have you checked this weeks Gazette?" and "How many times you visited the Job Centre this week?"
  • 9.30am, After convincing Marie there was "Nowt out there for us" and persuaded her not to send us on building site for labouring, I was out of there with a smile on my face and headed to the Paper shop for a Kit Kat Chunky and a Sun Newspaper.
  • 10.00am, I'd be back in our house, I'd boil the kettle and rustle meself up a nice Bacon sarnie after my hectic morning, then settle down to watch either Trisha or Kilroy, whilst scranning my breakfast and reading the paper.
  • 10.45am, I'd switch my PC on and check my emails, 9 times out of 10 Mikey would have sent us an Email which would contain a good thousand words, usually covering everything from "The Wrestling" to "School Memoirs". This was in Mikey's early days of employment when he was on a Training Scheme and didn't care or get get stressed about work. I'd normally reply to his email. I'd then check out the usual shite thats on the Internet mainly !!
  • 11.45am, I'd settle down to watch my 2 favourite TV shows at the time "Family Fortunes" followed by "The Wheel of Fortune" on Challenge TV. Superb stuff.
  • 1.00pm, I'd be getting hungry again, so I'd usually make myself Beans or Spaghetti on Toast for dinner, there'd also be a decent quiz on on BBC, hosted by Jonathon Ross' brother, but I can't remember the name of it.
  • 1.45pm, Dinner time had been and gone, so I would now study the racing pages in The Sun and pick my £5 bet of the day, normally "Templegates NAP"
  • 2.00pm, I'd set off on my second walk to Eston of the day, to the bookies to place my bet, I got to know all the old men in there, espeically my Great Uncle Kevin, who I don't think I'd spoken to previously. He usually piped up with "Your alright son, I won't tell your mam your in here" I'd reply with "Cheers Kev, got any tips?" He normally gave us a tip but his tips are worse than Paul Adhal's!!!
  • 3.00pm, I'd pop next door to pick up a Gazette, and if I had got lucky on my horse would pop into the Club for a pint, maybe a game of Snooker with one of the old men in there (I was still well known as I hadn't long finished glass collecting) and then read the Gazette.
  • 4.00pm, I'd set off for home, and our mam would normally be back from work and I'd be met with "Where have you been?" and "you could have washed up!" I'd normally reply with "Been for a paper for you mam", and "There was no Hot water!"
  • 5.00pm, was Tea Time, follwed by a Phone call off Mikey "Now Skip (Skip was kind of like Chief back then) "Time we going out tonight?" "Pick you up for 6.30pm"
  • 6.30pm, I'd go and pick Mikey up in our Mam's old Ford Escort, then walk to the Stap from our house, just as we would approach the bank Mikey would pipe up with "Any chance you could lend us a Tenner Groves, am a bit short" (Mikey was only on a Y.T.S allowance of £40 a week and he had to pay lodge and bus fares. The lad ran up a pretty huge tab!!
  • 6.45pm - 11.30pm, was a night out round Normanby, you would only spend approx £15 and you'd be wrecked.

Well there you go, a day in the life of KG whilst on the Rock and Roll, what a life, I actually miss it, God knows how I used to survive on £83 a fortnight!

Is this what we won?

Wednesday, October 12

Desperate for Free Stuff?

Not us, surely?



Click it, wank, to make it, fuck, bigger, cunt.

Eye Test

10,000 We Did It!!

Send us congratulatory gifts now!

The hits went a bit mental in the past two days so we have beaten our target by a good three months. Well done chiefs and cheers Wallet readers!!

Tuesday, October 11

London calling

It's a far away town, as the Clash once wrote.

And 2/3rds of the Wallet are heading to the Big Smoke on the 3rd December to watch the Mighty Boro take on the cream of the Premier League Chelsea.

Phil and maybe Chris are joining us for our little venture south.

Mikey is being Mikey and staying at home, I think that lad has a phobia about going to football matches, with his favourite excuse being "I'd rather watch it at home"

Details are still a bit sketchy over where we are staying, but no doubt it will be a cracking weekend away. As always!

Meteorite hits the Boro

No shit, back in 1881, read it about here.


Before Marriage....


Monday, October 10

Off the Beer - Weekend 3

This is a piece of piss now chiefs.

Weekend 3 passed without incident. As I write this I am approx 116 hours away from my first pint, but that assumes that I would have it exactly one hour before kick off at the Boro match on Satda. More than likely.

Straight on to the town then, for beer and a leaving do.

Could be good.

Could be pissed on one pint. Cheap night. Nice.


Now chiefs.

A little update for yas.

As Mikey has pointed out, ze Wallet has almost surpassed 10000 unique hits in under 2 years, a massive achievement considering we put this together whilst pissed in Redcar one night.

As things stand, 11 or 12 thousand hits are not unrealistic come the new year, and maybe even 14-15 thousand come our second birthday.

I've done a little bit for obscure internet (which opens soon chiefs!), writing on the side, but all of the meaty chunks will be kept for Wallet consumption.

So chiefs, get the word out, lets get them hits up eh?


The target of 10,000 unique hits by the end of 2005 is looking to be blown away.

Can we top 11,000, I certainly think so.

I am pleased to announce also that this Friday sees Football return and this Saturday all three of us deadheads are out in one form or another!!

Note to KG: That doesn't mean your old school uniform chief.

Sunday, October 9

A sunday to forget!

So I decides to stop in on a Saturday night as Me, Pete and Chris had arranged to play golf this morning, at 7am.

So not wanting a mega hangover to effect my game, I gave up the chance of what would surely have been an epic night out down Boro.

I had arranged to pick our Chris up at 6.40am, which would have gave us plenty of time to get there and loosen up.

So last night I goes to bed relatively early and sets my alarm for 6.20am, or so I thought.

My phone starts ringing at 6.47am, Its our Chris

"Where the Fuck are ya? Fat Head!"

"Shit, av slept in, be there in 2 mins"

I rushed about got dressed shot me clubs in the car, picked up a pie and a bag of crisps, but realised I had no money on me.

"It'll be alright, cos Chris will have some" I thought.

I thought wrong, "Gotta go to the bank got no money on me" says Chris.

Jesus Christ it was turning into a nightmare morning,

We finally arrived at the Golf course a good 20 mins late, I tried to blag our way on to the first tee by saying we had booked for 7.21am, but the bloke was having none of it.

"I'm sorry lads, you have missed your alotted time, and we have a competition on today, and were fully booked"

Nightmare its 7.21am, on a cold Autumn Sunday morning, and we can't even get a round of golf. Pete said we'll just have to go to the Pitch and Putt, but that wasn't the same. I still muched on me pie though!

After golf we took a trip to McDonalds for some breakfast, and I was back home 9.50am.

Bored at home, I decided on a trip to the Town for a spot of retail therapy with Mikey plus I had to take 2 T-Shirts back to Sports Soccer which were too big for me (Yeah Right) which I bought last month. In exchange for the T-Shirts I got 2 new Graphite Golf Clubs, which I thought were a bargain at £7.49 each.

I got a qualtity Video on my mobile of Mikey munching his way through an XL Bacon Double Cheeseburger Meal, Super Size, (but minus Cheese), he didn't know I was filming and its a must see video!

Back homeI unwrapped me Golf Clubs, to find I already own one of them and the other one is frigging left handed!!!!

What a nightmare day, and its only 2.39pm, Roll on Monday!

Saturday, October 8

For a Good Time, Call Who?

This very same thing happened to me today!!!

Posting on a Saturday?!

What is going on? Why is Mikey posting on a Saturday at this time?

No fucker wants to go out is why!

So bored.

England match - shite.

You've Been Framed - yawn.

X-Factor - FFS!

The rest of the night?


Another Friday in Boro

Joined in a works nght out last night. Here's what went down...

Top marks to Pierre for the lift up to The Blue Lounge. It was dead and there was no sign of me workmates plus none of them would answer my phone calls so I didn't know where I stood. They (Helen, Debbie, Andrew, Cath, Carol and Jenny) eventually turned up and it was evident that Debbie and Helenwerer absolutely shit faced already.

It was pricey in here but I was on a mission to get shit faced so caned the bar. This lass was getting trained and when she gave me my change she goes, "Thanks very much and thank you for being my first customer!"

"Yeah, well done." How depressed she'll soon get like the other miserable bastards in there.

Cracked on down the road to TS1 which was fairly busy and playing some cracking tunes which was pretty good.

Dickens Inn was next and it got a bit close to the bone with some comments made by one of the drunken ladies! Cath, Carol and Jenny left and then Helen and Debbie were picked up. To say they were drunk would be an understatement. When Debbie fell off the picnic table bench outside it was time for them to go!

This left me and Andrew who I spent the next half hour trying to simmer down after said comments were made! We grabbed a taxi to Lloyds and had a few in there and then round the corner to Walkabout.

Stacks of birds in here who were for a dance. This band came on at 11ish and they weren't too bad.

Went to Flares for a bit and then went to Chicago Rock. Andrew went home and went in on me lemon to see who I could see. Saw a couple of birds from work and no one else really and went home at about 1am.

Jumped in a taxi and went straight to bed absolutely monged.

Overall it weren't bad but gets nowhere near a BW night out!

Say what you see

"Mr Chips having a Tommy Tank?"

"It's good but it's not right! Or is it?"

Hello Girls!!

KG couldn't resist this holiday snap!

Cheers B3ta.

Friday, October 7


I got a great deal this morning - half price tickets to see the Two Ronnies.

Thursday, October 6

Do You Want To?

Lucky lucky, you're so lucky!
Lucky lucky, you're so lucky!
Lucky lucky, you're so lucky!
Lucky lucky, you're so lucky!
Lucky lucky, you're so lucky!
Lucky lucky, you're so lucky!

Photofit Entry

I'll have my quid now please.

Clicky clicky.

Cheers chiefs.

Wednesday, October 5

Ultimate Flash Face v0.42b

Do a Police Sketch of yourself or someone you know or someone famous.

A quid to the best entry. Leaving instructions on how to draw the face eg.

Eyes no. 11
Mouth no. 3 etc.

You get the picture. Geddit!?

Jeans for Genes Day

Send us a pic of you in your Jeans on Friday and we'll donate £2 to Gene Research. Honest.

Bonus cash for Daisy Duke style shorts, dungarees or as suggested at work, a denim thong.


Workmates who have been talking up the first works night out in absolutely ages are now telling me the following lame excuses...

"I'm driving."

"Insert partner's name here is picking me up at 9.30."

"Don't fancy it."

"I've got Gastro!!" Okay that ones not real.

Pack of lying bastards!

That leaves me with possibly the crappiest night out of the year with myself and the 42 year old Finance Manager who is sound but you know, he's not likely to have a pretend brawl on Albert Road, snort a line of pepper, bump and grind in Chicagos (although), and generally be a bonafide lardhead.

But, I like a challenge.

Looks like am gonna have to do it all myself!! This Friday should be a corker!

Dream Team Update - 05/10/2005

Seeing as though we have a break for International Football, I thought it would be a good idea to post an update on our Dream Team Standings.

1. Fridel = 23
2. McCartney = 0
3. Naysmith = 0
4. Upson = 16
5. A Ferdinand = 32
6. Reid = 9
7. Lampard = 81
8. Downing = 10
9. Geremi = 15
10. Rooney = 39
11. Van Nistelrooy = 64

Mikey's Total = 289

1. Martyn = 17
2. Mellberg = -1
3. Spector = -4
4. Knight = 10
5. Queudrue = 28
6. Rommedahl = 10
7. Stelios = 17
8. Gerrard = 47
9. Henry = 23
10. Defoe = 35
11. Forsell = 21

KG's Total = 203

1. Jaaskelainen = 34
2. Samuel = -3
3. Queudrue = 28
4. Clement = 2
5. Spector = -4
6. Pires = 17
7. Robben = 31
8. Okocha = 12
9. Arca = 14
10. Van Nistelrooy = 64
11. Drogba = 33

Pete's Total = 228

So Mikey has a 61 point over Pete, Can Mikey be caught?

With having Rooney, Van Nistelrooy and Lampard in his team it may be tricky, but you never know.

Tuesday, October 4

From the Obscure Forums.........

It's the new Rocky vs Rambo.

Muppets. Fighting. Just click here, why don't ya?

Football Quiz

Name the Cities in which these derbies take place.

Its a toughie

Mass Debate 3: Arnie's Hardest Character

Following the amazing response to Rocky vs. Rambo (Hey, we got 1 comment which is more than most posts) and the Simpsons fave 5 characters here is week 3's edition of what I am now calling...

Mass Debate

This week on Mass Debate -

Who was Arnie's Hardest Character?!

The Main Contenders

John Matrix, (Commando) - renowned for his mega ham sandwich and having more guns than the entire army holding his daughter hostage. His bessie mate from his army days has really been lazy at keeping up gym appearances though. More on Commando soon.

Killer Line: "I lied!"

Dutch (Predator) - likes to get his cigar out after a heavy session in the heat of the jungle. Hard as nails fella kicks Predators ass in Cambodian jungle.

Killer line: "Stick around!"

Ben Richards - After concocting a plan in the showers with his prison mates, Ben throws his weight around on game show, The Running Man.

Killer line: "He had to split!"

Conan the Barbarian - known to wield his huge weapon about when excited. Uses Timotei as well by the look of.

Killer Line: Er, never seen it before so not sure. Oops.

The Others - Not in my list but you may have a strong case!

Julius - Twins
Quaid - Total Recall
Harry Tasker - True Lies
Jack Slater - Last Action Hero
Howie - Jingle All the Way

Since The Terminator isn't a human he doesn't count. Argue if you will.

C'mon people lets all Mass Debate!!


Its the Bucking Bronco from Blackpool before it was stuffed!


The Loch Ness Monster

Is alive and hungry


Bird Watching

After years of study scientist have finally found a way to tell the difference between Male and Female birds.

KG's works night out plus Mikey!

This Saturday just gone, we had arranged a Works night out down the glorious town and this is a run down of what happened!

Me and Rob had decided on an early start, approx 4 hours before anyone else, so I picked him up from Guisborough at 2.30pm, and brought him over to sunny Eston for some ultra strong lager in the Eston Institute.

Now earlier in the week I invited Mikey to tag along, And Mikey obviously wern't gunna turn down a night out. So after picking Rob up I goes for Mikey, drops the car off and we walks to the Tute.

Me being a lardhead forget me membership card which could have been a nightmare if old man Bill had turned us down at the door, but he never and we settled down to watch a bit of horse racing and the footy scores coming thru.

After 4 pints in here they called time at the bar and we headed on to Middlesbrough, via the shop for some light snacks and reading material for the journey, well the Daily Sport!!!!

Rob jumped in the front and settled up with the driver, whilst we munched our crisps, read the porn and listened Punjabi FM.

Punjabi FM I hear you cry, Yeah thats right the deadhead of a driver stuck this one staion on, cranked the volume right up and we all had a mad dance!!

Jesus Christ it was 5.15pm and we were well on our way!!

Getting out the car, Mikey noticed a pair of sunglasses and decided to steal them, not before wearing them tucked into the top of his T-Shirt for a good 2 hours!!

So were in the Isaac Wilson, and playing the fruit machine before Mikey got bored and hungry, so we decided to sit down and have some scran, I only wanted a light snack so I settled for a chicken sarnie, but Mikey and Rob ordered a couple of monster burgers.

Whilst were waiting for our food to arrive, Me and Mikey bet Rob £1 each that he couldn't snort a line of pepper, I lined it up for him and even cut it (I promise it was my first dapple). After much deliberation he gears himself up before attacking the pepper with a monster snort.................. Disaster he only went and missed the line............ Go on Rob do it again......... Just as he's about to do it his mobile rings and its Paul Adahl (Or Hadarl, as he's known on the wallet) Rob asks him of he should do it, Paul advises him not to, so Rob backs down and misses out on £2!

After there Burgers the lads were still feeling a bit peckish so they orders desert, Rob in his wisdom decides to lick his plate spotless, but didn't dare go and complain to management that his desert never come!

At this point Rob had fell a good pint and 3/4's left to drink and everyone else had finished as it was time to move on, We wouldn't let him leave without him finishing his drinks, to which he downed both of them. Fair play to the lad!

The crack was to meet everyone else from work in Lloyds for 7, Rob went and spewed his guts up following them 2 pints he necked, everyone else arrived at the nickname of Jack Osbourne had stuck for Mikey. No body for the rest of the night called him by his real name, in fact I don't think anyone knows his real name!!!

We cracked on to Yates next and lasses hit the dancefloor followed by Rob, the DJ for some reason unbeknown to me was handing out free lollies and Sherbit Dip for people on the dance floor, bad news that as they got hurled at us!!

Barry was the next stop and not much happened in here (We go in this pub most weekends and I think I could count on one hand the number of funny/amusing/interesting incidents that happen in here, Strange)

As we were leaving one of the lasses accidentally knocked old man Nev's beer out of his hand, not sure if out else happened as I was stood outside but Nev stormed off in a huff. Ah well!!

The lasses wanted to go in Bar Fresco, somewhere the BW Chief's never go as everyone is far too serious in here and the music I think is Hip Hop and R&B, not my cup of tea, however lucky for us it was shut so we popped in Absolute, where I got to feel 2 pairs of tits, and no not mine and Mikeys, but Emma's and Catherine's which was nice! Man points for KG!

Spensleys - Er...... we got a drink, and am struggling to remember what happened in here.

I Definitelyly remember going to Vienna next mind, we queued for a bit and Emma was struggling but once we got in we sat her down and fed her a pint.....OF water. One hilarious bit in here was Mikey almost got caught up in a riot, well this lad poured a bottle of Blue WKD (What a waste) over this lasses head then ran off whilst these lasses chased him with there handbags all this was right in front of Mikey.

Aslo Mikey informs me that at one stage I pushed him into this lass, who responded by grabbing his bellend, unzipping his flies and sucking him off!

Yeah Right, but Mikey does inform me that she deffo grabbed his cock!

After Vienna we all kind of got split up. some went to the Cornerhouse, some to Gilzeans and me and Mikey to Chicago Rock Cafe. The queue was unreal and once we got inside it could possibly be the worst I have seen it, the average age of the clientele must have 45+. I had gotten a text off one of the lasses that Emma was having a party back at her house and that we should get ourselves there.

We gave up on Chicago's and headed to Emma's house in Redcar.

On the way to get a taxi we decided to have a pretend scrap walking up Albert Road, god knows what people must have thought, but this one lass thought it was real only for us to laugh at her when we'd finished!

We jumps in a taxi and Mikey utters the words "This will be your worst taxi fare ever" Now the poor driver was English and cracking on for 60, he doesn't need Deadheads like us asking him if he likes Wrestling (Mikey's question by the way). He made the fatal error of replying with Yes, to which Mikey and Me sang "You Suck" over and over and over again until we go to Redcar.

Once back in Emma's I made us a Mega Archers and lemonade, christ there must have been a good 5 shots of Archers in there, nevertheless we still supped them. Emma, Kim, Paul and Rob were already in Emma's and we had a mega singalong, cracked some jokes and had a good laugh.

Paul did a dance move named the "Dead Fly" where you basically line on your back and shuffle around whilst imitating a dieing fly, this cottoned on and soon enough everyone was doing it. Emma even dared Rob to the "Dead Fly" first thing Monday morning for a fiver, which he did yesterday!

It got to about 3am, and we were all goosed after a good12 hours on the piss, everyone crashed at Emma's, me on the floor which was freezing!

She has the coldest house in Teesside!

Mikey woke us up at 7am thanks to his constant snoring, and Emma dropped us all back off about 9am.

Cracking day and night had by all.

Made-up words in The Simpsons


Monday, October 3

The Burnley Wallet: Predictions for 2005

Reading back on old Blogs I came across this one.

I've got it down pretty much as is except the bit about the dogs - I never went.

The Big Bro prediction was 100% correct though.

DVD of the Week: Max and Paddy Road to Nowhere

What's the crack with this then?

Well it's only Max and Paddy of Phoenix Nights fame in their adventures and comedy moments in their camper van. Absolutely superb stuff.

So is it funny?

"How dare you?!"

"Mixed doubles lads?!"

It's got some cracking lines and scenes including Cliff, Raymond the Bastard, Max and Paddy dancing, the farmer and of course Noddy Holder.

What's the extras like?

Bit dissapointed with the commentary. Instead of Peter Kay and Patrick McGuiness we get surprise commentators like Bez and Shaun Rider who sound like an episode of Beavis and Butthead (Hehehh...hhehhhheee....hehehe), Keith and Orville (and the monkey), Vernon Kay and his bird plus others.

The outtakes are genius and the deleted scenes shouldn't have been deleted!

Sounds good, how much?

£14.84, worth every penny.

Nice one - 10/10?

Give it a 9 for the cack commentaries.

Adam Clair Stremler

Not 100% certain it's a genuine comment but cheers anyway!!

Phil and Mikey in the Boro

KG sorted us out a lift and hung around for the first two pubs, the Dickens Inn and Star and Garter where some classic stories of yore were told (Mrs H's train dilemma, tales of Blackpool and Mikey being a dirty get!) and drinks flowed. I instigated a bit of fruity action - turns out neither KG or Phil know what they're doing on them!

We left the Star and KG left as well with the instructions "Oh, Heaney if Kathryn rings ya look after her right!".

"Oh right, cheers KG ya twa..."


Me and Phil moved on to...


It was student city in here, I totally felt out of place. You had the mosher crew in one corner, the Razorlight type indie band member wannabees in another and goths forming a triangle behind us.

Goes to the bar, "Two bottles of Blue WKD please."

"Have you got your Yellow Card?"

"Erm, av left it...back in me digs."

Either Blue WKD is really expensive even with a Yellow Card at £5.78 or I didn't get away with it.


Jumped in a taxi and arrived here. Headbutted each other getting out of it! Lardheads. Quiet in here, caned the Blue WKD upstairs. Too much in fact as I had a bit of a coughing fit and it was dying to come back out.


Despite rumours I didn't spew in here. It was absolutely dead in here.

Trader Jacks

Saw a former school mate in here who I reckon has quadrupled in weight. I won't name names but Jesus she was frigging huge! I felt slim. Grabbed a VK Ice in here.


KG's sister having been turned away from the Empire called Heaney to the rescue so I now had to look after her for the rest of the night. Lucky me eh?! i still have the bruises to show from the last pinching session. Message to KG - what is with your sister and pinching eh?

Left here and went to...


Phil queued for ages to get us a drink which got knocked out my hand all over the floor. It was pretty busy in here mind, still shite though.

Chicago Rock Cafe

I don't recall queuing to get in and I don't think we did. Apparently I was dancing with a right whale in here and taking the piss but she wouldn't let go of me and kept dragging me back. I'm going to call it CRC disease - me and KG are both sufferers!!

The night wore on and I turned down Lava as it was getting on in time. Apparently I saw off a bloke getting a bit leery with Kathryn - did me job!! The poor lass will never score under KG's omnipresent eye. Don't call it Big Brother for nowt!

And that was about it, pretty good night. Don't underestimate a Friday in the Boro!! Quiet in some places, packed in others. Cracking laugh and plenty of booze!!!

Off the Beer - Weekend 2

So chiefs, weekend 2.

Piece of piss this you know. Especially when staying in. Satda morning, got up at 6.55 am, waiting for the new tumble dryer to be delivered, watched Spiderman 2 (pretty good), brekky, painted the kitchen to seal the walls, easy work, watched the scores flood in. Satda night, watched X Factor and everything. Didn't miss going out at all.

So, just one weekend to go until my back off the wagon date. Should be easy doings, as I'm stopping in again. We're getting the kitchen in, you see, and Sunday has been assigned as IKEA day. This could go seriously tits up if the Swedish lager catches my eye. God bless those Swedes. Although, I could buy some and then keep it in the fridge until my drinking date, couldn't I?

All in all though chiefs, tee-totalism ain't what it's cracked up to be. If you've got a house to maintain and a wife giving you orders, then in the short term it's good. But my sense of humour has deteriorated, although my energy level has improved. I've lost a bit of weight, but only what you lose when having a shite., and that could be due to the excessive dog walking I'm doing.

Might try this again some time, got to finish this one yet chiefs.

Here's to October 15th eh?

Sunday, October 2

Lunch of the Week

Had to be yesterday's hangover busting fry up. Superb stuff Mrs H!!


Too dark, cold and wintry for golf? Summer over?

Don't worry! Play this 9 hole round of golf - just be careful which way you hit the ball on your first go!

Play now - click.

Costs as much as Prissick - free!!

Xmas List

Start saving now.

Legend Of Zorro

Cracking game this, bit chess like but not as boring or hard. Click me with your rythym stick!

Practice Makes Perfect

How long did this take to learn?!

Thanks to Glen this is now with link: Click!

That's what two days boozing and a lack of sleep does to the brain.

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