Wednesday, September 28

Wanking Material

A little visit to my Flickr account, here, and I found out that my most viewed pic is of course that topless bird on the bucking bronco! Classic!


Can anyone sort us out a top notch template, for free that won't fuck our comments up and will work properly. You will be forever in our debt and will more than likely go to heaven.

X-Ray Glasses

If you had them, what would you look at? It's obvious ain't it....

Thanks to Pierre for showing me this game years ago - rememberedit today for some reason.

Must have been the see through t-shirt the gorgeous trainee had on.


Wurzel Gummage: Missing

This is an urgent message - we did not see her in Chicago Rock on Saturday night and well KG is beside himself!

If any one has any news then please let us know.

She looks a bit like this....

She's the one in the middle obviously. The other two don't ever seem to be in there.

Oh Man! Connect 4 Returns

Play it now!! Click.

Rocky vs. Rambo Update

Sadly did not reply. Therefore they will be getting a chase up tonight courtesy of the Wallet!!

Rambo is so stealthy that his picture keeps dissapearing and reappearing and also thanks to "Nature Boy" Glen McNamee for the comment.

KG & Mikey Talking Tactics

These kids would do a better job than us!

I promised this on Monday but only got the e-mail today from KG.

This is the tactical discussion that took place on Friday before footy.

By the way it is all lighthearted and any identifications of weakness should not be taken to heart. Just like all the Wallet humour!!!

From: Peter Heaney
To: Michael Heaney; KEITH

8 of us for footy tonight, same as last time less Moss and his Bro.

Work out some sides eh?

From:Michael Heaney
To: Groves Keith; Peter Heaney

Me, KG, Merkin and Chris


You, Richard, Robbie and Phil

What d'ya reckon?

From: Groves Keith
Peter Heaney; Michael Heaney

Looks good! will be a free scoring game tonight, wide open spaces for us fit lads to exploit!!!!!

From: Michael Heaney
To: Groves Keith CSA ;
Peter Heaney

Especially me, I liken myself to Ferenc Puskas at his prime.

From: Groves Keith
To: Michael Heaney;
Peter Heaney

Why did he frequently miss one on ones?

From: Michael Heaney
To: Groves Keith CSA ;
Peter Heaney

No need for language!

So are we agreed on the teams then?

Me, Stevie BN, Richard and Robbie vs the rest?

From: Groves Keith
To: Michael Heaney;
Peter Heaney

If those were the teams it wouldn't be a landslide victory you'd imagine. But we'll go with your original teams.

From: Michael Heaney
To: Groves Keith CSA ;
Peter Heaney


Me, KG, Stevie BN, Chris


Robster, Pete, Richard and Phil

Eston vs. The Outback


From: Groves Keith
To: Michael Heaney;
Peter Heaney


Lets kill em!!!!
From: Michael Heaney
To: Groves Keith CSA ;
Peter Heaney

Plus we have the car down there as pre match team talk and get fully psyched up!!
From: Groves Keith
To: Michael Heaney; Peter Heaney
Right don't include pierre in anymore emails, he is now the enemy!!
Lets talk tactics!
From: Michael Heaney
To: Groves Keith CSA

It's got to be fast, physical, and in your face but enough about your dinner and on with tactics!!

Seriously chief, workrate in the midfield and keeping them pushed back is the key. Don't invite them on! We'll provide tireless running and Merkin has to be lethal tonight. I'll get on to Robbie and cause him some pain. Go for the ankle!!


From: Groves Keith
To: Michael Heaney

Keep our cool and discipline.

I reckon we can boss the midfield, Merkin can break from the back in a sweeper style role, whislt our chris often doesn't get picked up and can cause some damage down the right hand side.

Problem is tho 1 person is always in goal, but the key is to keep your shape, the last thing you want is to be caught napping with all your players up front.

I'm happy to be the holding midfielder and let you bomb forward.

How serious do we take "friendly" 5 a side?

From: Michael Heaney
To: Groves Keith CSA


Chris has to rain in shots an ensure he gets back to defend in a Cafu style role. I can press all of their players in their own half causing major problems for their possession play. Ste can be the ultimate defender/attacker and cause problems everywhere and you can be the danger with long range efforts, tireless workrate and a will to win only matched by me.
What a team.
If we don't win am going to do a guesty and cry in the middle of the pitch!
From: Groves Keith
To: Michael Heaney
We'll win tonight, am very confident.

If we break down there team, Robbie is there main danger man, but between us we can handle him, remember he aint got a right foot, so force him wide at every opportunity, and clatter him ealry on.

The rest of them are nowt special, and they have no communicators bar pete, where as our team never shuts up.

Communication is the key!!!!
From: Michael Heaney
To: Groves Keith CSA

Robbie must be stopped from the left foot power shot and Pete has to be prevent from slotting home on the left hand side (Henry style) which is a tactic he relies on.
Richard and Phil don't do much but get amongst them - Phil hates being charged down and Richard although he can stand his ground he never gets past you with it.
Robbie doesn't like elbows in the back - fluster him, he's not mentally strong so maybe an off comment early on will knock his confidence -

"Robbie, no need for that mate, need to curb the dirty side of your game or you'll get nowhere."
Harsh but vital for winning!!!

I've got some hell bent aggression built up and I am going for it tonight!!!

From: Groves Keith
To: Michael Heaney

I think the job of tracking pete from slotting the ball in from the left, will be down to Chris when he's not in goal, as he will be mainly playing on our right side, so he must track back.

Richard although deceptively strong is no flash in the pan and doesn't have any pace just make sure one of us picks him up, the same with Phil, altho he has improved he can only score from the edge of the box and that job will lie with Big nose.

When we have the ball we have the capabilities of simply manouvering the ball around them, I don't think there is a tackler amongst them, where as we have 2 in Me and Big Nose.
As long as we stick to the game plan and keep our shape and discipline we will be victorious. In the unlikely event of going a goal or 2 behind, just remain positive and believe in your own ability!


Tuesday, September 27

Rocky vs. Rambo

If anyone has seen Pete's post on Obscure Internets Forum you will know the divided reaction this got! Click here for a read.

I say the Burnley Wallet takes it to the Stallone fan clubs.

I've e-mailed and await my reply!!!

Oh and my thoughts on such a fight?

Rambo anyday.

Pissed yet?

Work out how many units you've had on your last session.

Last Saturday I clocked up 27.7 units of alcohol.

The Government recommend 3-4 units per day,

4units x 7 days a week = 28 units!

I only drank last Saturday and came under the recommended amount, I'm ashamed!!!!

Work yours out here!

How Much?

P.S No point you doing it Pete

Check out this Blog

This complete Lardhead is selling everything he owns in one Ebay Auction to pay off his debts.

Here is his blog

and the ebay auction

Ow deadhead its called getting a loan to consolidate your debts, lots of people do it!

Off the Beer - Weekend One + 1 Day

Still on the wagon chiefs, but disaster has struck.

One of the boys is leaving work on Friday 14th October. Therefore a leaving do. Therefore, BEER.

So I've revised my off the wagon date by a week. It will still be there or thereabouts a month, an achievement in itself. I might even have another go in November.

Ah well. Challenge diminished, but still on.


Trying to keep up with that trendy hip Billingham kid, Phil, I fancy getting a tattoo on the forearm (not the foreskin) but can't think of anything flash enough. No kids, not a member of the Marines and don't fancy having an arm that looks like a shark has bitten it - like Moss.

Should I bother - advice please?

Coming Soon!

We have Christmas! All off us can't wait, of that there is no doubt but what else is coming up?

Extremely good fun is going to be had this Saturday when, myself, KG and several of his workmates go out on the lash.

Works night out?

Oh yes! Reckon it could be an absolute monster of a day starting at 3pm. KG and Mikey caning Boro for the second week in a row!!

What else? Another works night out but for me this time on 7th Oct!

Excessive amounts of alcohol in Joe Rigs followed by a night out again in Boro!

Works night out again eh?

Of course! Right good fun.

KG - what else is coming up?

Monday, September 26

On the Beer - Week 342

Just KG and my good self this week. Last time that happened was a long time ago!

Big thanks to Chris for getting over his wekend in Blacky to give us a lift up to...

Dickens Inn

It was dark and fairly busy in here as though it was about 9ish and not 6.45! Told KG the classic story of how our Mam (just my Mam for you none Boro chiefs) who got on the train from Darlo to York, got a bit lost in York station got on another train and got back off in Darlo!! Laugh, KG had Coors lager coming out of his nostrils!!

Star and Garter

My turn at the bar and this studenty type started talking to me about well, nothing in particular he just seemed to be there. Get some mates chief!

Supped up quickish in here and moved on to...


Poor KG got well and truly stung by the jukebox in here. I'm not sure what songs he got but did we hear them, did we shite! Told a pretty funny story about one of KG's ex birds that doesn't need repeating but had KG in tears!

The Tavern

Pretty funny in here, we got our drinks and found a spot to stand in and this lass was stood near us but was behind KG so I would look in her eyeline and start whispering love messages (while she weren't looking obviously)! Kg was well jealous especially as she was a whale!!

Taxi to Lloyds

Driver was not up for subtle race gags. Boring!

Piss Stop - You've Been Framed

After jumping out of the taxi we both went to the cash machine near TK Maxx. KG couldn't hold on to his ever swelling bladder and had to go there and then. When finished he looked up to see the CCTV filming straight on him!!


A good crack in here about KG's antics! Both drank two DVRB's in here. Well KG had a fair bit of mine as I couldn't hack the stuff. Years of abusing it down Redcar has left my teeth too sensitive.


Was fairly busy in here. Just before we went the test tube girl caught us and we downed a shot each. Disgusting shite it is.


I visited the bog for a bit of a hurl!! It was that shot from Yates. It was rank!

After we left KG left his mark on the side door and wrenched his guts up. Another victim of a lethal shot!

Trader Jacks

KG came stumbling in after his spewing session and was met with a truly manky VK Ice. I have a feeling we watched the dance floor for a bit and then drank up and left. KG bought his dream bird a drink. The VK Ice was so bad we decided on two rounds!


It was classic in here. KG has filmed me dancing on the stage to I Predict a Riot and all you can hear is him singing it in the background. I watched it back last night and its as good as Brent's dance on the Office! The bit where it goes "Ooooooooooooooh" before the chorus - I run off the stage towards KG who I thought was taking pictures but no, he's only videoing me isn't he! Proper lardhead!!

Got dancing with a couple of lasses in here, one was married but still up for a laugh. The DJ was begged for Rocking All Over the World but he never stuck it on the twat!


I remember paying to get in here but very little else!!

After leaving we walked through past De Niro's or The Bedroom or whatever the hell it is called now and these two lasses were on the bench. One of us starts talking to them and they were from Carlisle and looked a bit miffed. I left KG talking and joined the massive queue.

Having spoken to KG today apparently he got her number with a ridiculous story of how he was going back to a party with free lines of coke and "You babe, are invited!" Smooooooooooth.

So I'm in the queue and rang KG about 10 times to see what he was doing before he finally appeared from under the subway and joined the line.

Chicago Rock Cafe

We queued up to get in here for a good 30 minutes I reckon. These birds tried to join the queue in front of us two. One of them worked with KG!

One of her mates asks, "Can we push in front of you?"

I reply, "Only if I get a snog." Well, she only did. Man points there lads!! Apparently I had that 'fit Jack Osbourne look' - deffo beer goggles!!

Once we got in, we wasted no time in getting stuck in on the dance floor and numerous birds were danced with, flirted with and there was a stack of bumping and grinding!! Jodie, Gary and Jodies mate turned up out of nowhere and we had a dance about with them.

Then Reggie Walker (been mentioned on here a few times) and Kempy (a fellow acoloyte) turned up as well. Reggie came up with the plan that he was a Canadian Ice Hockey player and KG was his bodyguard. This was apparently meant to wow the ladies!!

I used the traditional method of charm and sheer good looks (I reminded myself of Johnny Depp actually) and cracked on with Michelle, a former notch!

Taxi Home

I made sure Michelle got home alright like a proper gent and KG got Canadian Hockey hero Reggie Walker home like a proper bodyguard (mentalist!)

Absolute cracker of a night out! Nowhere was boring.

Just for Pete


Good Luck Pete, ya big girls blouse!

DVD of the Week: The Goonies

What's it all about?

7 kids collectively known as the Goonies, because they are well Goons stumble upon a treasure map and away they go on a classic adventure.

Then what?

Well these Goonies get tangled up with these Mafia peeps, the Fratelli's or something and they constantly keep one step ahead whilst hunting One Eyed Willie's treasure whilst avoiding all sorts of booby traps, having a bit of a laugh and bumping into this bloke...


So they eventually find this lost treasure on "One Eyed" Willie's pirate ship. If he'd been called Jap Eye Willy I might have laughed!


Well the good looking bastard above and Chunk come to the rescue in the end and the Goonies all survive. Not even the goddam asthma suffering Lord of the Rings extra bit the bullet.


£6.98 in Asda, Southbank

Worth It?

Oh aye, cracking film this. Highly recommend it!



Off the Beer - Weekend One

I haven't had a drink since Saturday 17th September 2005. That's 8 days.

Not the finest achievement, I know. But I usually have a drink of some sorts at the weekend, but this weekend I abstained.

After nearly throwing up at smelling KG's lager in the boozer in Wigan, the very thought of Alcohol makes me go all queasy. So I'm packing in. For a bit anyway.

Early reports are bad. Sleep is tough on a weekend without the gentle persuasion beer provides. Stopping in is hard (but I would have to anyway due to a new kitchen), and TV is shite. I even woke up on Sunday with a hangover. From Apple Tango and cups of tea.

I could, however, do stuff on Sunday. With no great effort. 2 dog walks, 100 balls at the driving range, watched the match with more Apple Tango.

I intend to keep this up until, ooh, I don't know, the 21st of October, when I go to Scarborough in a caravan. Got to have a drink then. That'll be more than a month.

Can I do it?

Thank you, your honour. With God's help I'll conquer this terrible affliction

Sunday, September 25

The Million Dollar Homepage - Own a piece of internet history!

Is the best money making idea ever or what?

Saturday, September 24


Some genius stuff on here. Click.

Footballing Lesson

The Teams

Team Eston: Me, KG, Stevie and Chris


Team Outback: Pierre, Phil, Robbie and Dirty Richard

The Action

A unbelievable performance from Team Eston saw them romp home and absolutely dominate the first 25 minutes. Poor KG had to suffer 25 minutes in goal as he didn't concede once. The three outfield players amassed a glorious 7 goals between them, the pick of the bunch being a glorious passing move finished with a sensational volley from me.

With the teams seemingly unfair a call for a switch of teams was called for which was followed very quickly by an own goal by Chris - the only way their team was ever going to score!

The sub was made and we swapped KG, who was still very fresh for Phil.

With the addition of KG to their side they did step up a gear and had a bit more urgency but the dominant Merkin, Chris and Phils finishing and the sheer workrate of myself proved too much for the Outbackers. They did manage to score a few and peg it back but I managed to bag another two and when "Next goal the winner!!" was declared, I reminded myself of a young Pele picking up the ball on the left and smashing it past the heartbroken KG.

Final Score

Something like 19 - 10 to us.


Even though we dicked them they wanted a penalty shoot out. I blew our first penalty and sent over. They finished all of theirs and won the shoot out. Bastards.


4 Star Men

Me: 9 - missed penalty blew a perfect performance
Stevie: 9 - played excellently but has performed better in recent weeks. Excellent in goal.
Chris: 9 Full of goals, even an OG! A cracking display (give him a drugs test!)
Phil: 9 A hatrick hero and set up a load as well.

Pete: 7 - Lacked the glorious finishing touch from the last few games down to good goal keeping from KG and Merkin. Their best player.
Robbie: 6 - too much of an individual and lets the side down. Needs to improve his team game.
Keith: 5 - A superb spell in goal for the first 25 mins and did his best when he moved to the dark side. Couldn't do anyhting of note though. MUST TRY HARDER!
Dirty Richard: 7 - Worked hard down the flanks but lacked the decisive finish.

And, if you think this review is serious, on Monday I'll post the e-mail exchange between me and KG detailing tactics.

5-a-side means everything!!!

Thursday, September 22

Is it just us three or what?

Does anyone even read the Wallet?

Names please in the comments box!!

Its Phil

Clickety Click

Rita's gunna get ya!!!

No not Rita Fairlcough from Coronation St, but America is bracing itself for yet another hurricane.

So glad they don't effect us, Jeez and we moan when we get a little rain, imagine how them poor fuckers must feel.

Keep up to date with cnn news here!

A Wallet Warning

If your planning a trip to Blackpool, please don't make the mistake we made by stopping in this shit hole:

The Seaside Hotel

The owners are scruffy, the cockatiel never shuts up, the rooms are a joke, It's like 100 degrees in the breakfast area,the fruit machine doesn't work, there are only 2 showers, the toilet paper cuts ya arse, there's 2 dogs wandering around the kitchen permanantly, Mike picks his nose, he doesn't wash his hands after he's been to the toilet, Jackie looks like a man, the son is a complete wanker, oh and they are originally from Bristol, whose accent does ya fucking head in!!!!!

My take on Saturday in Blacky

A few points and thoughts on the Saturday in reply to KG's post.

Firstly, I was pretty miffed for most of the Saturday and couldn't get into it or drunk at all.

KG woke me up with his constant wanking all night on the top bunk.

The breakfast in the hotel was superb.

Moss' socks was funny as fuck!

The Pleasure Beach/Fruity rampage and Crazy Golf was so mind numbginly boring I couldn't wait for the other lardheads to arrive.

The Bucking Bronco was one of those moments where you shit em at first but then once you've done it you're glad you've done it if you know what I mean. I managed 11 and not 10 seconds.

KG off in 4 seconds HAHAHAH!!

Graham is one sound bloke. Never puts a foot wrong although apparently he was pissed in Wigan!!

Michael Jackson in the Tower Lounge was one of the funniest things I've seen. The Band that were playing brought him on with the 'Beat It' riff and he moonwalked and leapt around. He grabs the mic and gives it in his best Lancashire accent, "Ya alright?"

He also got loads of birds up on stage who got their tits out which was nice!

KG in McDonalds was uncontrollable!!

The bloke in Linekers bar was superb. He must have been 65ish and absolutely shit faced. I was like "Don't make eye contact Mikey, look straight ahead, c'mon bouncer, c'mon, yes, that's it, now kick him, go on kick him!!"

Pete was beyond drunk - shadow puppets in a pub is a definite sign of drunkedness.

Respect to Chris for pinching the 8 or 9 bunny tails of these fit lasses dressed in Playboy gear.

Chris managed to dance non stop for a good 4 hours cos he was so wrecked and hyper. We all thought he had been spiked. Lardhead!!

KG kicking off at Chris was funny as. He was a good 30 yards behind me Pattren Moss and Phil and all you heard was the bellowing bear launch into a verbal assault!

It was a cracking day - plenty of laughs!

Blackpool is a total fucking shit hole though.

From Blacky to Wigan to Home

After waking up on Sunday morning, after no more than 4 hours kip, it dawned on me that we had to travel to Wigan to see the Mighty Boro play.

"Get in" I thought, always get a buzz for an away match.

I think I woke Mikey up by singing Boro songs, the beds in the hotel were the most uncomfiest I have ever known!

Getting down from Top Bunk was a mission on its own for me!!!

So we goes downstairs and we finds Peter looking well dodgy. "Chief, I feel rough as fuck, av already had 14 resolves!!"

We had a quick recap of what happened yesterday before tucking into our breakfast, Graham, sat on our table and polished off everyones tomatoes, the smell of them was knocking me sick.

After brekkie (Which Peter couldn't manage) we got packed, loaded up the car and headed off to Wigan.

So going to the match we had, in Peter's car, Me, Pete, Chris and Graham. And Jeff took Stevie in his works van.

We arrived in Wigan, fairly quickly but finding somewhere to park was a frigging nightmare, we arrived at the ground and next to was a big retail park, which reminded me of Teesside Park, now our chris who had been asleep for most of the journey woke up and promptly asked Pete to stop the car, out he gets to fertilise the flowers. How the rest of us laughed, I don't think the family of 4 approaching him approved like!

Anyway we gets parked and headed for the Red Robin pub, which was full of Boro fans, we were that early they weren't even selling alcohol yet. (That weren't a bad thing considering the amount we'd drank over the last 2 days).

So it got to 12 and Graham got me and him a pint, Pete was driving and Chris just couldn't face one, it took a while to drink, but hair of the dog definately does work.

Stevie and Jeff arrived and we had a few more pints, the pub got really busy and the songs got started, it was a great pre match atmosphere.

We headed to the ground about 2.15, had a pint inside the ground and whacked a few bets on. Graham was well gone by this stage and was doing impressions of Chris' dancing technique from the night before up and down the steps and in the aisle of the stadium.

Pete reckons were all on telly about 3 times, and he is putting it on DVD, the match ended up 1-1. Not the best but the feeling you get when Boro score is unreal, think I almost crushed Chris and Pete (Again!!)

After the match we started on the journey home, but Pete's car had us worried comign home, his temperature light came on, telling us his engine was over heating. "Oh Fuck!"

"Don't worry, just whack ya heaters on Hot and on full power, this will cool your engine down" says Graham.

Jesus Christ it was like a sauna in the car, me feet were on fire!

The car got us all home, not before doing a de tour through tadcaster for petrol. I got home about 7.45, a great way to round off a great weekend.

Bring on the next one!

Blacky - Day 2

Mikey woke us up about 7.45am thanks to his constant and extremely loud snoring, plus the smell of bacon, egg and sausages is enough to wake anyone up! As we didn't realise what time breakfast was going to be served Mikey got up and had a wonder about and realised we had another hour til breakfast, ah well lay back down for a bit, as me head was bouncing!

After we scranned our breakfast we decided to venture out and head towards the Pleasure Beach for summat to do before the other lads arrived, few texts had been exchanged and they had all set off at 8am, and wern't due to arrive til about 11am.

Moss hadn't bothered to put any socks, and he was moaning that his feet were rubbing against his new trainees, as he wouldn't go and buy some socks himself it was left up to me, I pops in the first sea front shop, and buys him a pair with his name on, much to delight of otherone else, poor moss was gutted. Check it out here

We jumped in a taxi and Moss just ripped into him calling him a burglaring Bastard for charging us a fiver, The Pleasure beach was shut so we cained the arcades, and had a go on this horse riding thing, how the fucker didn't break with us lot on it I'll never know!

After we had lost too much money on the arcades we decided on a friendly game of Crazy Golf, lots of cheating from Moss and Mikey, but they still never won, think I won in the end with my round including 3 hole in ones!

It was cracking on for 11am now and I gets a text saying there just arrivng at the hotel, we all meets up, they get checked in, I had a dump, everyone got changed and we were in the first pub of the day for 11.30am.

Reflex was the port of call, as it was at the end of our street, we had a game of killer pool with Graham coming out on top and scooping the massive £11 kitty, the rest of the lads who joined us were, in no specific order


There were 2 more Big Nose and Jeff who were stuck in traffic and joined us later.

After a pint in Reflex we cracked on to the infamous 'Manchester Pub' we grabbed a table next to these cow girls, and just had a good craic we had a good scoop in here, one lass who must have been 45 plus (Thats age not stone thank god) got onto one of the dancing podiums and flashed us all her boobs. Big Nose and Jeff finally arrived too.

After our Kathryn was in Blackpool back in May she said we have to go to Walkabout on the Saturday afternoon as it was brilliant, so we jumps in a few taxi's and headed to Oz Bar, it was a bit quiet in here like, but the footy scores were coming in on the big screens and Me and Moss had just got a jackie on the fruity, so it wern't too bad! After a good hour in here the DJ came on and announced the Bucking Bronco, AKA the mechanical Bull would be open shortly, piece of us lot that we thought.

Another sweep stakes went round, quid a man, winner is whoever stays on the longest, Big Nose went up and put all our names down, Lardhead 1 to 9, Mikey and Peter wouldn't have a go, boring cunts!

Anyway it was obvious he would call the fattest one up first, ME! so ups a get and sits on, the DJ shouts "you do know there is a weight restriction mate?"

Me heart sunk, but I quickly replied with "Am only 14 stone"

Think I could hear Mikey shouting "Lieing Cunt" in the background, anyway he was only having me eyes out and I managed a confidence boosting 11 seconds but second time round the operator had me off in like 4 seconds.

We all had a go and Dale and Russell shared the winnings on 27 seconds each, I then went up to the DJ and asked him to get Mikey to have a go "He's on next, al show him" said the DJ

DJ "I have an announcement to make we have a guest appearancee from Mikey on the Bucking Bronco"

Mikey shot a whitey, I could see the fear on the face, and thats just because he had to take his glasses off!!!!

Fair play to him, he got on and think he managed 10 seconds.

So overall I came last with my second attempt of 4 seconds and the DJ set me a forfeit, I had to down a pint with one of Big Nose' sweaty sock over the top of the glass and down it in one, It was Minging, could only manage half and our Chris and Ste finished it off, All I can say I'm so glad it wasn't Dale Millers sock, all will be revealed later!

Jeff had been informed the Tower Lounge is bouncing on an afternoon, so we all piled in there, and it was jam packed, Michael Jackson was even there, he got some stick a tell ya!

By this time we had all had a good drink, and I needed to liven meself up with a shower and some food, so we stopped off at McDonalds, by this time I was pissed and really annoying Mikey, I kept blowing raspberry's loud as fuck inside Maccy D's and basically getting on everyone's nerves!

On the walk back to the hotel we stopped at a Joke Type gift shop and I bought an Osama Bin Laden mask, God knows why and our Chris bought a rastafarian wig, jeez things ya waste ya money on pissed up!

Back in the hotel it was a case of quick shower get changed and get back out ASAP before the tiredness kicks it, and thats what we did, less than half an hour for the change around and were back in Reflex, well 7 of us are, the rest would meet us later.

After only one drink in Reflex we decided to walk down the seafront, and headed for Linekars bar, one funny bit in here was there was this old bloke, drunk as a lord, pretending to box people, he sat next to Mikey who couldn't make eye contact with him in fear of a battering. The bouncer eventually chucked him out. The old man and not Mikey!

Seeing as though the Tower Lounge was heaving earlier on in the afternoon we went back in there and it had died down a bit, these lasses dressed in Army camouflage gear (You could hardly see them I tell) kept squirting people with water pistols, and we took a soaking leaving here!

Am Lost, and me memory is failing me!

Next pub we went in I think was Brannigans, and we met up with the rest of the lads, Chris went on a feeling up lasses rampage, how he never got slapped is beyond me, Moss shagged a Blow Up Doll, well pretended to and Pete took some piccies.

We decided on popping in Cahoots (You know, the one with the glass upstairs dancefloor) but it was dead, In here is a projector screen and we were sat near here, Pete decided on making animals using his fingers and projecting them to the rest of the pub, hilarious at the time and Stevie Big Nose got locked in the disabled toilet!!

Everyone tended to drift off after here I think, I may be wrong but I know we went to Flares, I pulled a lass, one of the better ones av pulled a must say, I had to buy her a flower first like, she even got me number and was texting me at 4am!

One text read "Hey Baby, How are you, I still have my flower, wish you were here with me!! Thinking of you whilst I finger myself! Claire x x "

No not Clairsey Merks, she aint sent me those types of texts for weeks now!!!!!

After here I'm struggling big time to remember what happened and what pubs we went in, I know one was called Rumours, and we went in the Flagship and Heaven and Hell, we were all goosed by now.

Me and Chris had a bit of a bust up, and he stormed off I followed him but couldn't catch and ended up going for a kebab before calling it a night about 1.30am!

Back in the hotel Dale, Pete, Ste, Ian and Graham were already back with Bignosee and Jeff already in bed, Big Nose reckons he even fell asleep on the landing!!!!

The hotel manger bloke type thing was being a right arse, becausee only a select few were drinking he threatened to close the bar, he tried to wind us up by saying Geordies were better and bigger drinkers than us, and how one bloke drinks 54 bottles of Bud in a hour before his breakfast, or summat like that, we more or less politely told him to fuck off!

Dale went to bed and I think Pete went to check on him, now I've been told Dale had rather smelly feet and when Pete walked in the bedroom, the smell was that bad he threw up on the spot, classic wish I had seen it!

Back downstairs Moss, Phil, Pattrun and Mikey had arrived but no Chris, I gets a txt off him saying don't know where I'am" so we goes out looking for him, only for him to arrive back at the hotel. Ah well, water under the bridge forget about it and move on!

We finally made it to bed about 3am, not before I played Mikey all my ringtone downloads and comedy clips, just to piss him off one more time.

A truly Brilliant weekend, but wait it hasn't finished some of us went to the Wigan Vs Boro match, check back for what happened!

Blacky Friday


11.30am and the boys met up for a bit of a pre-match dinner and The Beacon delivered the goods.

I went for a bacon baguette, KG and the rest went for a all day brekkie. Boodiful!

Bandits were obviously caned and I let out one of the stupidest laughs ever when Moss said he was buying a strap on.

Left here about 1ish and away we went.


I almost got lumbered with the boot seat but the smaller Pattren gave up his back seat for. Thank fuck!

With Phil behind the wheel we were guaranteed a speedy journey, but not when you have close to 1000lbs in the car with him in the form of me, KG, Moss and Pattren plus all our luggage and my 16 stone suitcase!

Anyhow some of the stories Moss and Phil were coming out with were superb but best left off the Wallet!! Pattren was zombied out in the back but it was a good laugh all the way down.

Moss needed the obligatory piss stop and went for one with the cows in Kirby Stephen. He gets back in and says the sheep were all saying, "Mbaaaaikey!!!!".


We finally found our hotel after 20 minutes shooting round the back streets and trying to run everyone over. There was a car park up behind our street and this proper scabby woman comes to the gate.

"Orr yeah, we live on site darling, it'll be £15 a night love, is that alright?"

"Fuck that."

We found another one like, 20 yards away for £12.50 for both nights and went and checked in.


To say the hotel was a dissapointment is an understatement. Jackie answered the door and introduced us to her cockatiel. Jesus. No, that wasn't his name but the unanimous thought of everyone when we entered the bar.

Some excellent imaginery names later and we were shown up to our rooms.

I say room. There wasn't particularly much room in the fucker. It was a double bed made of tubed steel which was ripe for bending in the middle, plus a colour TV a sink and well that's it.

After a load of arguing (Me and KG, Me and Moss, Moss and Phil, Moss and everybody) we decided we had 15 minutes and we were off out for the night.


This was the first pub we christened and it was pretty busy already. After a couple of slow drinks Moss upped the pace. "Ere right we're in Blackpool to get fucking wrecked so let's get fucking wrecked eh?". And that set the tone for the rest of the night!


Heading away from the tower we hit The Manchester and had a couple in here and believe it or not a couple of games on the bandit. Still relatively quiet atmosphere so far.

Heading down the front, the usual cons, promos and twats all approached us before this half decent lass had talked me into 3 Kronenburg for £5 and we headed downstairs to...

Lapdancing Bar

I can't recall the name of this place but me and KG treat ourselves to perhaps the worst lapdance ever. Mine barely got her tits out never mind her gash. Bitterly dissapointed. Mind you it was only 5.30pm. Phil, Moss and Pattren never got a dance and all looked pretty pissed off that I'd dragged them in there! Too well behaved them three.

After leaving here we headed on down the front and Moss had a go on this darts game and won a Care Bears teddy and a pack of cards. The teddy soon had its head popping out of his flies and the card tricks came into play. Every random person was given, "Pick a card, any card!"

We took a short cut through some arcades for a piss and managed to spew my guts up. Kids belly that I am.


Moss and KG had a higher or lower card fight in here where they smashed each others knuckles with the deck if they won. Pretty stupid and they all ended up on the floor. The Care Bear got left on the bar.

Tower Lounge

Underneath the Tower is the excellent Tower Lounge which I thought was probably the most bouncingest place of the two days. It was fairly busy now at 6.30ish and we were all well on the way. I don't recall too much of what happened in here (KG - any recollections??)


I was looking forward to going in here with its glass dancefloor but the place was empty. Think we had a quick one and then moved on to...

Counting House

It was quiet in here as well. I went for a slash in here and I have never smelt a worse toilet, so bad I wrenched my guts again. it was like the toilet in that scene in Trainspotting.


It was still yet to take off in Blackpool and fairly quiet especially in here. We got sat down near the window and were giving stick to the passers by. These 3 teenage layabout lasses went past and one looked like Scarey Mary off the Phones 4 U advert. Fucking genius watching Moss have an argument thorugh a window doing the hand movements.


Again, pretty quiet but I'm not too sure what we did in here? Think we were talking to the bar staff about the best times to come in places.


Me and KG chatted up the barmaid in her bikini or bikini underneath her clothes and demanded a flash of lycra. Another mistimed pub I think as it was fairly quiet but a good crack was had by all.


KG got it on with this absolute fucking minger who looked riddled with disease. I now know why KG had the Monday off work. Top visit the clinic. The rest of us had a daft dance about I think and messing about with the usual hen nights and having a class laugh. it has to be said though the birds behind the bar in the stockings and suspenders gear. Awesome!

We walked (I even skipped down the street with Moss hand in hand at one point - why the fuck was this? Can someone explain???!) around a few more bars deciding where to go and managed to come back round to the Counting House where upon I looked in the window and was flashed a pair of tits. I have never seen us move so quickly!!

Counting House

A funny as dance with all these police women and getting beaten to death with their truncheons. I think Moss thought they were real and was brawling with them! We then did abit more walking about after leaving here before deciding on the big flash...


The revolving dancefloor and sound system were off the hook. The sound especially, it was so loud on one quadrant of the circle that it hurt. It was like 10 Amps in a row at full volume with big dance tunes coming out of them. Plenty of birds in here but none of them up for it.

Got talking to two lasses from Nottingham when we left who wanted us to pay them in but we tried and it had shut.

So back to bed and primed for another day. KG take it away my pedigree chum.

It's your Letters......again!

Now chiefs, it's that time of the week again when we read your letters to us.
No more post based problems for KG, as he emptied his sack on more than one occassion whilst in Liverpool last week. Something to do with pay-channels. Must be the finance dept.

So straight on with:

Dear Walleteers,

You don't know who was sick in room number one do you?

Jackie and Mike,
Stalag Luft 17 a.k.a. Seaside Hotel, Blacky.

PS, I hope you're drinking whilst reading this.

J & M, it was Chris. Me and Dale were all snuggled. He wandered in, mumbled something about a ladyboy, and threw up in Dale's trainers. Apparently. Too much dangling or something. Altitude sickness off the bunk beds.

Dear Walleteers,

What about Bruno Cheyrou, flop Liverpool midfielder? It could be him, in fact I'm sure it is.
A-hur-hur-hur. Harry.

B. Tate,

Fuck off Bruno. You spud.

Dear Walleteers,

What would you like for Christmas?


Mr S, we would like:
Pierre would like: World peace. Or to beat the Mackems.
Mike would like: His going out jacket back for the winter.

KG would like: Some Stella, natch.
Cheers for asking, ya big beardy fucker.

Dear Walleteers,

May God bless your souls, and cherish each one of you till the end of eternity.

N. Paylor
Stockton Parish.

By the many arms of Vishnu, we're Hindus now, so fuck off. Fucking God botherers. You get enough of them in the Beacon, fucking Sally Army cunts. I only want a pint, not a colour in newspaper. Wankers. I bet they aren't in Iraq. Army my arse.

Dear Walleteers,

Proper proper proper proper proper. Proper.

Er, Hemo.

Katy, have a word with yourself, you mad bint. And get a decent name while you're on.

Dear Walleteers,

I can't seem to find a replacement grommet for my 1986 Ford Escort XR3. Can you help?

Kermit D Frog,

Kermy, I think you want Now fuck off, and when you come back, you can fuck off again. Still here? Fuck off.

Another piss-poor week of correspondence chiefs, can we do any better next week? Will we, for example, get a real letter? It's not a wind up you know. You really can send us some e-mails, and we'll love you forever. You might even win a prize. Fuck it, you will.

Send us a note on and we'll send you a surprise prize if you're the first one.

May Vishnu bless you all.

Wednesday, September 21

Alroight Chris

Paddy's doing well on "Who wants to be a Millionaire"

He's got £500,000. Chris Tarrant asks him the big question for 1 million quid.

"Paddy, for £1million, who was the great train robber?

Was it:

A, Ronnie Barker...

B, Ronnie O'Sullivan...

C, Ronnie Corbett or........... was it

D, Ronnie Biggs???"

Paddy say's..."Oi'll take de money please Chris"

Chris reminds him that he still has his 3 life lines left.

Paddy again say's...."Nope, Oi'll take de money please Chris"

"You don't want to phone a friend?" says Chris.

"No t'anks, Oi'll take de money - foinal answer"

"OK" says Chris, looking bemused "give him a round of applause ladies and gentlemen, Paddy goes away with £500,000. However before you go, you'll obviously want to know what
the answer was Paddy?"

Paddy said "No, yer alroight, Oi knew de answer anyway, t'anks Chris"

"You knew it anyway!..........are you mad!!!" asks Chris, "Are you mental?"

Paddy says, "Oi moight be mental Chris, but Oi'm not a grass!"

Tuesday, September 20

10 Blackpool Photos

These are the only decent photos I managed to get. Click here.

Monday, September 19

Back from Blackpool

We're back, it was cracking, keep tuned in for the full run down as soon as we shift our monster hangovers!

Thursday, September 15

Mikey's Work Lunch of the Week

It is Thursday I know, but well today is my last working day this week.

The nominees:

Monday: Chip Butty or Chip Butane as we call it.
Tue: Ham sarnies
Wed: Ham sarnies and a couple of Quality Street.
Thu: Roast Turkey sarnies

The winner of "Work lunch of the Week" goes to...

Monday's stress busting chip butty eaten in pouring rain whilst I pondered the true meaning of a good day at work - is it possible? Well done Cap'n Cook's Chippy for getting me through the hard times.

Don't forget chiefs - let us know your lunch of the week so we can try it ourselves.


5 men.
One VW Touran.
Lager, food, excitement.
Piss stops.
Tits out for the lads.
Service Stations
Lager, food, excitement.
More pubs.
More totty.
Dirty, clean, naughty, nice women.

Can't fucking wait for tomorrow.

Blackpool Bitches

This should get us in the mood for the weekend eh lads?

Calm Down, Calm Down

KG has returned from a 4 day Training Course in Liverpool, work was boring as fuck but Liverpool has an awesome nightlife even on during the week.

I travelled down on Monday afternoon, got mega lost, drove round Liverpool City Centre for an hour, The M1 was shut and had to go through Bradford of all places. I back this afternoon.

Hotel was spot on big 4 star one, but the Stella was a whooping £3.75 a pint, soon recapped that tatey on the bandit tho!

Went out with me uncle on Monday night, ended up in the worlds worst Lap Dancing Bar, it cost ya a fiver to get in, and you got a free lap dance, there was one lass working that night, and I was given a dance in the middle of the pub by a big titted Chinkie, not impressed! Give me Shhhh... Secrets anyday!

Tuesday night, I went out with one of the lads who was on the same course as me, who was a Rangers fan and wanted to watch the match, so we found this pub which was full of Rangers fans, atmosphere was superb, singing all these crazy sectarian songs, then once they had won, this women came round everyone and took a picture of us all!!!

Last night I went out with me Scouse Cousin and mates, and she showed us the main Pub/bars/clubs that Liverpool had to offer, I must say, very impressive.

Anyhow, am only back 18 hours then its off to Blackpool for a mad weekend with the lads, check back probs middle of next week for a recap of what went down by the seaside.

Note, to protect the identity of some of the lads, not all stories will be told!! JOKE!

Wednesday, September 14

Found on B3ta


Tuesday, September 13

An Expensive One

I can't be arsed doing a detailed report.


We started in here, quick pint and a summary of the "Magnificent" display from Boro vs. The Arsenal.


I managed to sink 4 bottles in here in about 15 minutes. Not a good idea!


Cos they all came out in here!! Got a bottle in here.

Trader Jacks

Two bottles of the mankiest shite ever in here.


KG joined the spewing club and hurled his guts in here!


Excellent array of modern sing along tunage, including The Importance of Being Idle, I Predict a Riot and of course, Rocking All Over the World.


Another bottle, my 10th in a couple of hours, the pace was frantic!


Seemed to queue for ages here. Some tasty birds in here, well with beer goggles on anyway.

Chicago Rock Cafe part 1

We weren't in long before Keith dissapeared and then Chris leaving me, Phil and Kathryn. We then went to try..


Which was pretty dump as well.

Chicago Rock Cafe part 2

This was pretty wank as well. Roll on Blackpool.

Monday, September 12

My Top 5: Simpsons Characters

No particular order...


Your Top 5 Simpsons characters too please. Get commenting.


Apparently, Karaoke means 'Empty Orchestra'.

Empty Heads in the case of these two lardheads.


Letters to the Wallet

Fuck about chiefs, it's back!

Let's get straight in as KG has been dealing with a bulging sack all week:

Dear Walleteers,

I have noticed that your site has been taking the piss out of my name and it's origin. I would like to point out that I was actually named after Giordano Bruno, who was burned at the stake for trying to turn lead into gold. Know what I mean Harry? Hur hur hur.

B. Tate,

Bruno, so near and yet so far. Keep taking the tablets eh?

Dear Walleteers,

Don't you think Mikeys lunch time round up will get stale very quickly? He only ever eats chip butties after all.

Barnacles Linthorpe Road

Not as stale as your buns you robbing cunts.

Dear Walleteers,

Please don't wreck our hotel. PLEASE.


Jackie and Mike,

J & M, we'll see in the fullness of time. We take no responsibility for Moss however, all breakages are his fault.

Dear Walleteers,

I notice that no follow up to the ratings was made in the footy write up. To rectify things i made a sticker for my monitor that says "KG: 5 - MUST TRY HARDER".

Pat O'Cake
Bakers Man.

Nice work chief.

Dear Walleteers,

Will you send me a signed photograph?

Rachel Stevens,

Rachel, we've been through this before. Stop stalking us, you mad scally. And put your norks away.

Dear Walleteers,

What about Belgian Rally driver Bruno Thiry? A-hur-hur-hur.

Bruno Tate,

Fuck off Bruno.

Write to us at:

English 2

Learn it again.

Time for some new t-shirts


Sunday, September 11

Spanish Football

Sunday's just got bearable again!!

DVD of the Week: THX 1138

A new addition the other week to my DVD shelves was George Lucas' THX 1138 starring Robert Duvall as none other than THX 1138.

It was only £6.95 in Asda plus the label advised there would be some sex and violence! Why not give it a whirl eh? I mean he did make Star Wars and Indiana Jones.

So I woke up this morning, with a hangover, and thought I would stay in bed and watch it.

10 minutes in and my concentration levels were not on form. 'What the hell is going on?' was a question running round my head as Duvall, whilst performing robotic keyhole surgery dropped what looked like a push pop into a robot policeman (I know, it sounds class!) which caused everyone else to run away. Radiation apparently. I dunno.

I stuck with it but the urge to close my eyes was too much and well from what I've seen so far, it's not very good. Might give it another go this week.

Saturday, September 10

Football, Football, I like Football!!

A corker of a game was had last night.

The Teams

Me, KG, Stevie, Phil and Robbie


Moss, Chris, Pete, Richard and Moss' brother/mate (did anyone get his name?)

The Action

Robbie picked up an early injury that not only bruised his ankle, it bruised his ego as well. There was someone on the pitch just as good if not better than him in Moss' borther/mate.

As a result, our team were down to 4 men for most of the game and really had to workrate and boy they did. Myself, KG, and Ste ran ourselves ragged to keep in the game and keep it level.

I had a cracking goal dissallowed after Robbie fouled Moss' mate/brother but managed to pull one out of the bag a few minutes later.

KG and Ste each bagged 4 a piece and Phil grabbed a couple.

On the other team Moss' brother was fast and skilful and caused all sorts of problems. He also fed Peter in for some sublime finishing from very acute angles. Richard and Chris did some great defensive work too.

Moss, showing off his new tattoo was an immediate target for the dirtiest player in the game, me and I scratched and slapped his arm on several occasions.

Goal of the the game in my personal opinion was my disallowed one! But I'll give it to Stevie for a masterful run and finish beating a good three men before slotting past Moss.

Final Score: 11 - 11


Ste 9
Me 8
KG 8
Phil 6
Robbie 3


Moss' Bro/mate 9 STAR MAN
Pete 8
Chris 7
Richard 7
Moss 6

Any disputes with these ratings will be settled in the car park with a broken bottle.

Friday, September 9


The target was set to surpass 10,000 unique hits by the end of the year and fuck me readers, barring a complete Katrina (disaster), we should cane it!!

KG's Upbringing

Very similar to this!!!

Mikey's Work Lunch of the Week

A new feature!

This weeks "Lunch of the Week" award goes to.....

Today's chip butty. Fooking gorgeous!!!

Thursday, September 8

Driving Range Action Pics!!!!

Pete, Ste and KG give a golfing lesson!

Is it me or............

........does Walkers munching big eared goal scrounger Lineker have a 'Kingpin' style prosthetic hand in this photo?


Because KG is well, KG, your average Barclaycard courtesy call doesn't run as smoothly as Mohammed, based in New Delhi, would have hoped....

"Good morning, can I speak to Keith Groves."

"Now chief."

"Is that Keith Groves?"

"Now chief."

"Ah, that Keith Groves speaking? Can i speak to Keith Groves?"

"Speaking chief"

"I am just calling you today to offer you...."

"Where you from again?"

"My name is Mohammed, I am calling you today from Barclaycard."

"Looka right."

"I am just calling you today to offer you card protection on your Barclaycard, can you please confirm your date of birth."

"Eh? Musampa?"

"My name is Mohammed, I am calling you today from Barclaycard to offer you card protection on your Barclaycard, can you please confirm....."

"Why d'ya want my date of birth?"

"I just need it sir, I am calling you today to offer you card protection on your Bar...."

"Arrrrrrrrrrvvvveeeee told you I don't want it!"

"Can I have your date of birth please sir, I am calling today to offer you card protection on your Barclaycard."

"I know you are chief but like, a don't want it do I?"

"I know sir, I am just calling today to offer you card protection on yo......."

"Look right Mohammed, if ya say that again am gonna get cross chief."

"I am terribly sorry Mr Groves, I am just tring to ring you today to offer you card protection on your Barclaycard."

Huge sigh.

"How much is it?"

"Thank you sir, can I have your date of birth please."

"No mate, you answer my question first."

"Sir, I need your d...."

"Fuck off."

Lesson learnt: KG doesn't do Indian call centres!

Hurricane Katrina.

WARNING! - If easily offended do not read.

  • A see two plane loads of volunteers left Liverpool airport today bound for New Orleans to assist with the looting.
  • Hurricane Katrina eh?, Typical women, when she came she was warm, wild and wet. When she left she took the house and contents with her!
  • New Tarantino film set in New Orleans, its called "Resevoir Wogs"

No offence intended to the victims and their families involved in such a horrific travesty. Burnley Wallet Ltd.

The Dentist's Chair

No am not getting spirits thrown down me neck (Saving that for Saturday Night) I'm off to the dentist for a minor filling.

This dentist malarky is just a big con I reckon, I mean how do we know there not just making a quick buck and pocketing my £12.05 to play the fruit machine?

Anyhow look after your teeth, bruch twice a day and brush thoroughly and go to the dentist every 6 months for a check up. It has to be worth it really, I mean you dont want to end up like this do ya?

Wednesday, September 7

Jim'll Fix for You

"Now then, now then, this week we've had a letter from a young German lad and it reads....

Dear Jim,

Please can you fix it for me to come on tonight if we are 1-0 down?

Thank you,

Owen, 23

Who Manages England?

Is it you Steve?

"It's not me, I manage Boro!"

David, do you manage England?

"It's not me! I play for England!!"

So what about you Sven?

"Not for much longer!!!!"

Evening Chiefs

Apparently we're supposed to try and blog something original every night.

It has to be said, I'm struggling already.

We went to the Toby Carvery tonight, for a bit of scran to celebrate Alex and Chris's engagement.

Mikey had 2 platefuls. KG was very quiet, almost as if he knew the England score in advance. Phil had the biggest dessert ever.

Isn't life exciting?

Tuesday, September 6

Letters to the Wallet

A first for the Wallet. Speak to us on and we'll answer your questions.

First up:

Dear Walleteers,

Why has Bruno Tate taken my name in vain? Hur hur hur, know what i mean Harry?

F Bruno,

Mr Bruno, who knows, perhaps he was named after former Radio 1 DJ Bruno Brookes. Who knows?

Dear Walleteers,

Why is my nose so fucking big?

Mr Anonymous,
Ainthorpe Road, Whale Hill

Mr Anon, perhaps you have a more intense sense of smell than the rest of us. Do you still have that problem about looking through shop windows? Thought so.

Dear Walleteers,

What's a parmo?

Mrs Nan Understanding,

Mrs Understanding, it is not of your concern. Now fuck off.

Dear Walleteers,

What's this American phone number on the phone bill?

KG's mam,

Nowt to fret about Shazza, have a word with Kathryn, if you know what I mean.

Dear Walleteers,

I love Jesus and that but my hormones are telling me to go out and start drinking beer and looking at ladies. What can I do to resist?

Mr N Paylor

Nathan, don't worry. Even the Pope used to a cunt. We can all change. Enjoy it while you can eh?

That's it for this week readers, come back next week and see who else has written in. If we remember to do it.

KG and Tate Link

KG's Grandad looks a lot like Frank Tate who unlike the Tates discussed here, is from Emmerdale, naturally.

"Hi, I'm Frank Tate, the real life Norman Bowler! My wife killed me and escaped in a helicopter, but we were only acting!! Here, have a signed pic!!"

Lovely man is Frank.

The difference though is KG's grandad wears Bo Selecta glasses.

Is this the last Tate post? It is? Ah, thank God for that. Although a Bruno Tate weekly column could be on the cards!!

The Tates - Not From Emmerdale, Natch

As I am a little older and wiser than my esteemed colleagues, I can chip in with two more 'spuds'.

The first is Joanne, who was in my year at school, but disappeared just after we started big senior school. She reappeared in fourth year, but no-one actually missed her. They just thought she'd been off sick. Verruca or summat.

In the year above, however, was the ultimately named member of the Tate clan.


Yep, Bruno Tate. Named after the boxer? Perhaps. Named after the tightly trousered member of dance troupe Fame? I think so.

I swear to god. This is true. I WILL find evidence.

The Missing Tate

Reading Mikey's blog about the Tates Tree, it got me thinking, he's missed at least one off, but I couldn't quite put my finger on who it was.

Then suddenly Jeffrey Tate popped into my head, not sure why as I Can't think of anything funny relating to poor Jeffrey.

Definatley one of the more quieter members of the family, probably a cousin to William and David.

Pub Review - The Lion Inn, Blakey Ridge

Remember this chiefs? I had great fun finding the categories.

Anyhow, The Lion Inn is in the middle of fucking no-where. We drove for at least 30 minutes from Boro, and this was even with Phil driving.


Atmos: Full of yokels, supping a hard earned beer (not lager, natch) after a dys sheep fucking or whatever they get up to on the moors. And it was full of dogs! Incredible!

Pricing: Not too bad, seeing as you couldn't exactly walk down the road to the offy. About £2.50 ish for a pint, bout a tenner for a bottle of wine. And it had dogs in! Incredible!

Sporting coverage: None. Take a dog whistle to encourage a bit of greyhound action. But the dogs! Incredible!

Choons: None. Fuck me, look, they've got dogs! Incredible!

Quality of Booze: A decent pint of Caffrey's, although the farmers seemed intersted in making one last the night. Dogs! Incredible!

Scran: Quite nice, but a bit on the greasy side. Fortunately there was no begging from the canine customers. Dogs? Incredible!

Lardhead Threshold: There was a bloke with a 'jazz' beard, sat reading a book with bare feet. And some angry farmers. And a greyhound. "What, they had dogs in there?" Yep. "Incredible!"

So, to sum up: Dogs. Miles away. Don't. Incredible.

Bloke Get's Sabotaged!

Don't tell me none of you have never reacted to one of those links like he does here. Click.

Tate Family Tree

It's not just William Tate who brings a smile to the face because of his Deliverance like weirdness. The Tate family needs more discussion and well I'm your man!

The Tate's were born and raised in Grangetown, Alabama. Where they lived, no one is really sure but one thing is for certain they had some characters...

At the top of the tree sits Mrs Tate, who died in about 1993. In the ladt year at Juniors I remember fondly one conversation between son David and class mate Lance Martin (local convict) that went a little something like this....

Lance: "Here Spud, how come your book has all that ink on the front?"

David: "At least my pen isn't all chewed at the top."

Lance: "At least my book doesn't have all ink on the front!"

David: "At least I've got a decent pen."

Lance: "At least I've got a Mam."

Momentarily I felt sorry for Spud but a moment later David wiped away his tears with,

"At least my Dad isn't Black!"

Oh man! Kids eh?!

The lucky young man who actually fathered William and David was Davey Russell. Mystery surrounds why they (David and William) weren't called Russell and one theory doing the rounds is that Russell is actually Davey Tate's middle name and the Tate was dropped.

Davey is a local clubland legend in Eston and also does a spot of window cleaning. He'd probably earn more selling his antique bike than he has in the past 15 years spitting on the double glazing and using his newspaper.

On one club trip to Blackpool he came out with a corker to KG who was working in the Eston Institute Workies Club collecting glasses.

It was 7.30am in the morning, we are all going to Blackpool. We've all known about it for 12 weeks.

Davey pipes up, "So Keith, why aren't ya in the Tute collecting the glasses in?"

Logic never was his strong point.

The extended family goes through a few characters.....

Gary Hutchinson - one story Pete used to tell was that when kids use to pull their coats above their heads on a particularly windy day to run down the playground, because Gary was so poorly fed he actually took off!

David Hutchinson - Gary's younger brother who is best remembered for a fight with a lad called Craig Bates (letters addressed to Master Bates please) with an inch thick permanent marker in hand with hilarious results!! Possibly the best fight at school.

There was also a little sister called Jackie I think who can only be described as a Pokemon character.

Michael Tate - another Tate but not David or William's bro but a cousin, I think. Or he was possibly an Uncle and a brother at the same time. I can confirm he never played the banjo though.

Michael also had a twin brother who was three years older than him.

And that unless KG and Pierre can come up with anyone else is the Tate Family Tree.

Great News

This man, (the one on the left) has quit TOTP to, brace yourselves, return to live television.

The great news is TOTP might become watchable again!

Monday, September 5

William "Spud Head" Tate - More

Spud - Tate, tatey, geddit?

This was the best story on a coach I have ever heard, tears rolling down our faces...

Following a superb day in Blackpool, including KG buying a pack of porn cards for me as I was too scared meself (there's another good story for ya KG!) and a Radio 1 roadshow featuring Glamma Kid and a few ventures into pub land we were in a stupidly daft mood on the way back to Middlesbrough and not on the way to Blacky as KG informed us.

Davey Russell, Spuds dad, sat a mere five or six seats away whilst we giggled through questions such as...

Me: "Why would you want a rat up ya arse?"

KG: "Well what it is right, he's halfway through having a tommy tank and he cuts the tail off and it gives him a major thrill!!"

"How does he get the pipe up his arse? Its about 4 inches in diameter off them bungalows in it?"

"No man, he uses the thin stuff."

"How'd you know?"

"_Bully_ told us!"

"How does he know?"

"I don't know."

"How does the rat fit in the thin pipe, quite big aren't they?"

"They can fit in small places!"

"Yeah but once it's in does it like run around?"

"I take it that's what he gets out of it!"

"Full of shit man!"

"That's what the rat said!!"

"Am gonna ask his dad."

"Nor man!"


What made it funnier is I can do a knock out impression of Davey Russell which can still bring a tear to KG's eyes.

William Tate

As Mikey mentioned in his review about his day out at Thirsk Races, he bumped in to a lad we used to go to school with, William Tate, well he was a year younger than us, but I was once told a story that I need to share with you.


Some readers may find the following story offensive, if easily offended please go and read Nathan Paylors Blog.

Also any Animal Rights activists out there, don't shoot the messenger!!!

So anyway William Tate (AKA Spud Head), he was one of the scruffy lads from Grangetown, his brother David was in year and they were known for stealing motorbikes. (Not real motorbikes, but the toy ones out of the lego). They didn't wash regular, smoked and no one really liked them.

So one day one of the "Bullies" from our year gets chatting to me, (I wasn't a bully, but being one of the big lads, no one messed and was always game for a laugh). I think we were just talking bollocks about football as any normal 15 yr old lad did, when William walks by.

"Ere, Grovesy, av ya heard what Spud Head does with his pet rats?" asked a disgusted Bully.

"No what?" replied an intrigued KG

"Well I got told that his dad caught him shooting his pet rats up his arse"

"You what?"

" I swear down its true"


"Well what it is right, he nicks a drain pipe from the OAP's bungelows, cuts a bit off then shoves it up his arse, he then places one of his rats at the bottom of the pipe and cuts its tail off, forcing the rat to run up the drain pipe and into his arsehole"

After this explanation the bully went off to steal someone's dinner money, and it was left at that, make of it as you will.

Personally I couldn't give rats arse if its true or not, but for the rats sake I hope its a St Peter's Urban Legend, but a wouldn't put it past owld Spud Head!

I re told this story to Mikey when we went to Blackpool one year with the oldies on a Labour Club outing, and Spud Heads dad "Davey Russell" (not sure why his surname wasn't Tate) was sat in front of us on the coach, whispering to Mikey about his son's experiment, he burst out in a fit of laughter, and set up a corker of day in Blackpool!

A Day at the Races

Thirsk races to be precise followed by a bit of tea in York and more drink.

Pissed? Yes.

Lose a load of money? Yes.

Argue with someones wife? Were you there?!?!


KG picked me up at 10.30ish like the good chap he is and took me to the Town where all those race goers (mainly from my works) were to meet at 11am in Square 1. I've never been in Square 1 before and as it turned out I still haven't cos the place never opened.

I got dropped off a massive 25 minutes early due to KG's speedy driving. If anyone is ever stuck for a taxi Keith's mobile no. is 07*** *** ***. He will gladly pick you up especially if you're a tasty bird or you have any food.

So what to do with 25 minutes? Could have had sex five times. Two shits perhaps. No wait, I needed money! Boy did I need money.

£160 should cover it.

I also need a Racing Post. So I marched into WH Smiths and gets one and heads back to Square 1 which, is decidedly shut.

I rings Andrew Garrens, the organiser of this whole event.

"Andrew, Square 1 is shut mate. You nearly here?"

"Oh right, no mate, I'm just setting off be there about 20 past."

"Okay, tra."

Well, for fucks sake, as they say. I'm sat outside this place like a total lemon reading the RP waiting for someone to arrive, when thankfully Richard aka Tricky, Marie and Andrew (Marie's boyfriend) turn up.

Marie and Andrew went to get some stuff for the bus down (drink and some sweets and what have you) whilst Richard gave me a full x-rated rundown of his fortnight in Magaluf.

The thirst was beginning to get too much for me however and we decided it was time for a pint in the nearest pub...

The Central

Lovely pub this, no expense spared on the decor. I knocked 3 pints of Kronenbourg back in here, for my breakfast mind, and watched as an assembled mass of misfits and characters slowly arrived in their two's and three's for the race day of the year.

The Bus Down There

Fair play to the driver, he got us to the Thirsk racecourse in 25 minutes. The usual crack was had down on the bus and the sun was beginning to shine. This was starting off nicely and the buzz and anticipation was clearly in the air. Or it could have been those 3 pints of 1664.

Lunch and Shite Lager

What is it with lager in a plastic cup costing £2.70 a pint that is served by a bloke who has C U N T tatooed on his knuckles? It tastes like shit, not that I've ever tasted it, but it has 'that' smell.

I needed to wash it down with some food so grabbed a burger and a chip butty off the nearest stall. £5.40 please. Jesus. I'll need a pissing loan at this rate I said to the Grotbags lookalike behind the counter.

Found another bar serving more decent pints and knocked a few back in there whilst studying the form. A complete waste of time as it's known in some circles.

Race 1

So, fairly drunk now and well fed I ventured into the betting arena or should I say tried.

"No lager on the course sir."

"You're joking!"

So I had to drink what I had left and then go in. Pretty shit like. At least at Redcar you can watch the race with your pint. You must have to be posh to do it at Thirsk.

Being drunk I made my first mistake when making my first bet.

"£10 on 13, £3 on 10 and £2 on 4." I hands over £10.

"I'll need another fiver mate."


I then realised I had unintentionally said £10 on 13. Stupid twat that I am I meant to say £5. I did however come up with quickest "Sorry, thought I gave you a £20." to spare my blushes and an angry mob behind waiting whilst Steve Robinson (my preferred Bookie of the day) explained just what a fool I had made of myself.


I only flipping well won some money didn't I! A cracking start. My £3 stake came in on Ditton Dancer wining me £22.75.

Races 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6

I won't bore you with how much I had on each race and blah di blah but it was approx a tenner and I lost every last one didn't I? However, I didn't have one horse finish out of the top 3. How much would I have been walking out with if the words each way had left my mouth?

Race 6 deserves a special mention because I was so pissed and so happy at having seen William Tate (he needs an entire Wallet article devoted to him - possibly tonight in fact!) that I couldn't actually stay stood up on the stand and collapsed on my arse before I potentially fell 10ft and wipedhalf of the public out in a human domino effect. Looking back that might have made up for throwing so much cash away.

Steve Robinson was literally rubbing his hands with glee each time I walked up to his stand. Smug looking wanker.

Bus to York

I sobered up a load on here since everyone else was sober and I didn't want to look more of an arse than I already was! Not hard I know. We got into York about 6ish and tried to find Yates which was frigging miles away.


Got here at at 6.30pm and ordered some grub in. A beautiful crispy bacon baguette and chips. Dee-lish. Especially in the beer garden in the sun.

I got dragged inside by the lovely Kim, who said I was missing out on the action in there. She wasn't wrong. it was really bouncing with some fine lovelies. £3.07 for a Blue WKD mind. Didn't stop me knocking them back.

The Living Room

Superb bar this. Bloke on a piano in the corner singing his heart out. Cocktails at the bar....

"Don't suppose you serve Blue WKD do ya?"

"No mate, only cocktails in here."

"Er, have ya got a menu?"

"Sure man, go for this one."

"Sea Breeze? £3.95?"

I ordered two, one for me and one for Tricky. It was absolutely rank.

Had a good sing song though with the piano man which was a good laugh.

Then we went to....I think I may be missing a pub but I'm sure it was...

The Capital

It was nice in here, spacious but bouncing, the kind of pub that would be perfect in Boro. We had a few bottles in here. Tricky bought me a couple of shots. Ouch is all I can say, lethal stuff.

Left there and tried to go to Reflex but the queue was too big so after ducking and diving through some side streets we found...


A bit of a dance about in here, Tricky tried it on with this bird and got nowhere, and more ridiculously priced bottles were drank. And then, it was time to go just as we were getting into it.
It took ages to find the bus and once everyone was on and it got moving, everyone except me and a few lads at the back (who started singing Oasis songs whilst listening to them on their mobiles - don't ask!) went to sleep.


It didn't take too long to get home and I went straight to Lava to meet the BW crew. Can't have been in for 30 minutes before we left and Phil drove us home.

A long day missing the BW ingredients. I tried to make it a cracker but the early finish in York and bad luck streak put a dampener on the day. York though - it needs doing and very soon.

Kanye West

Here at Wallet towers, one third of us likes a bit of hip-hop. Me. I've just got the new Kanye West album, and of course, it's the daddy.

Kanye, however, likes a little bit of controversy.

Not least here, where he makes an impassioned plea to send donations for the New Orleans disaster fund.

Austin Powers is lost for words!

Big Boys Golf (Pt 2)

So yesterday Me, Pete and Chris decided to play golf again down at the Municipal, expectations were high, all of us convinced we'd beat last weeks score.

Oh well you can't win 'em all!!

It was like 100 degrees, and we were completely knackered, we carded pretty poor scores , espeically Chris.

The Final scores on the doors were:

KG: 121


Chris: 145

Next time we play, probs in 2 wks time, we'll make sure its an early tee-off time.

Sunday, September 4

Stick Cricket

The Ashes are in touching distance for England, Here's a little game to play before the 5th and final test that starts on Thursday.

Come on England

Bonjour Monsieur

Remember the Badgers?

Well this is off the same planet, but possibly even more barmy.

The Beastles

Click here for some Beastie Boys vs Beatles remixes, some of which are very good.

This is the most amazing optical effect in the world

Mental this, I swear it's not one of those jumpy things.

Shark vs Octopus

At last, another superb Extreme Wildlife Video!!! Click.

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