Wednesday, August 31

Dream Team Update

I suggest one of us posts the scores at the end of every month, that way we can keep tabs on whats what.

So here goes:

Mikey: 132 Points

  1. Fridel = 12
  2. McCartney = 0
  3. Naysmith = 0
  4. Upson = -1
  5. A Ferdinand = 13
  6. Reid = 7
  7. Lampard = 35
  8. Downing = 10
  9. Geremi = 0
  10. Rooney = 28
  11. Van Nistelrooy = 28

KG: 124 Points

  1. Martyn = 12
  2. Mellberg = 5
  3. Spector = 0
  4. Knight = 9
  5. Queudrue = 20
  6. Rommedahl = 9
  7. Stelio = 9
  8. Gerrard = 11
  9. Henry = 23
  10. Defoe = 23
  11. Forsell = 3

Pete: 105 Points

  1. Jaaskelainen = 12
  2. Samuel = 4
  3. Queudrue = 20
  4. Clement = 5
  5. Spector = 0
  6. Pires = 2
  7. Robben = 6
  8. Okocha = 8
  9. Arca = 4
  10. Van Nistelrooy = 28
  11. Drogba = 16

Its set up nicely with Mikey taking an early, but dont get too confident as anythinig can happen in football.

Tuesday, August 30

Happy Birthday To.........
















Zack/Zachariah/Warren who is 2 today.

He couldn't be arsed posing. He never can.

Some Pics

Bit crap but still worth a look, great angle for the Barracuda one! Click.

Middlesbrough On Sunday - What really happened

As mikeys memory failed him, this is the definitive run down:

Pubs - Same old same old, but pubs is pubs so no probs there.

"Bars" - Hmmm, empty, not sure why. See Mikeys Barry Cuba pic on Flickr to see what I mean.

Club - Fuck me! What a refreshing change! Thoroughly enjoyable. No smell of enbalming fluid. MUSIC FROM THE LAST 10 YEARS. Cold drinks served by decent looking birds. NOT WAITING FOR 3 FUCKING HOURS FOR A BOTTLE. Smoke. Lights. Lasers. Headlocks. It's not called dance music for fuck all you know. Very few people over 30. Mixed music. Epilepsy inducing strobes. No drinks on the dance floor. SO MUCH BETTER THAN CRC IT'S UNBELIEVABLE!

The Taxi Home

As Mikey is too much of a pussy to finish off the night I'll fill you all in.

Me, Mikey and Kathryn were left, Kathryn rang A1 and along came a taxi, and Mikey made the school boy error of sitting in the front with me sat behind him.

Now when I'm pissed up I can be somewhat of a nightmare, as poor Mikey found out.

We cant have been in the taxi 30 seconds, before I started.

I held my fork (From me Parmo)next to Mikey's cheek and asked him to turn round, as he did he got a cheek full of fork!

Next up I kept flicking his ears.

Then I'd slap his head in a Bam Margera style.

Then I'd tickle him (As you all know Mikey hates getting tickled).

Then our Kathryn joined in and stuck her foot in his face.

Mikey was fuming, I was pissing meself.

I would then rotate everything but dead quick so Mikey didnt know if he was coming or going!

The poor lad even complained to the driver but he said "Give him a flick from me!"

As we reached Mikey's drop off point, he tried to open my door to seek revenge but he didnt have the power and just ended up kicking my arm.

Cunt nearly broke me new watch!

1 Wedding and a Skin Full

This Sunday just gone, me, KG, Moss, Phil, Pete, Jo, Kathryn, Chris, Alex, Stevie and the beautiful Claresy Murkin were in the Boro on the lash.

This is a bit of a blur so bear with me...

Lloyds

I met KG and Chris in here as they had just been to the Boro vs. Charlton game which doesn't need mentioning. I got there about five mins before the Man U vs. Newcastle game kicked off so KG nabbed £2 off us and went and stuck a bet on.

We had a few pints and watched Man U deliver the goods, winning 2 - 0 and netting Chris £14. Moss, Phil and Phil and Jo's dad Barry turned up. Bazza had a few and left us to it so us five wandered down to The Crown and caught the end of the cricket game before meetingt the rest of the motly crew in TS1.

TS1

It was fairly busy in here and we didn't stay too long, enjoying a couple more drinkies before moving to the absolutely packed...

Dickens Inn

So packed that it was standing room only outside and shoving room only inside. I don't know who got my drink but fair play to them!

KG who thinks he's funny and clever by banging the tops of peoples bottles had his own trick backfire and then refire on him. He banged mine but his biottle fizzed up only for him to pour it over me the twat!

Star and Garter

Er, what happened in here? I think I played Weakest Link if I remember.

Southfield

Again, I'm at a loss as to what happened here. If one of the sober people can explain then fire away!!

Taxi to Yates

Phil's top taxi driving mate gave me Phil and Moss a run round to Yates. He had a top notch sat nav bit of gear in and we gave him a few Knightrider gags. It was free as well, top class!

Yates

This is a struggle - I'm talking to Keith on Messenger and we are trying to piece it together bit by bit.

We were talking to Keiths workmates for a bit. Kathryn bit me arm. Er....talk about pissed!!

Pete I think you might have to fill us in on some of these!!!

Hogshead

I remember this. Chris Groves down on one knee and he only went and proposed to Alex. Awesome scenes!! 4 seconds later all the lads were singing, "We're going on a stag do!!! We're going on a stag do!!!" Congrats Chris and Alex!!

It was pretty wild in here as I remember it, lots of singing, shouting, drinks being sprayed about and stuff. I might be wrong.

Trader Jacks

Neither me nor KG are sure if we went in here.

Blue

KG had his little run in with Stewy Downing - blown out of all proportion on FMTTM!!

It was pretty good in here, good tunes and space to dance and have a laugh.

After we left, KG crouched behind Stevie for me to push him over the crouched KG in a playground trick Ste would have last experienced some 25 years ago. The fallen one then dragged KG over onto a paving light (we are so flash in boro we have spotlights in the pavement!) only for KG to realise it had burnt a patch of skin off his arm!!

Barry Cuba

we were all messing about in one of the balconies again. I got spotted by a lad at work I found out today! "I saw you making a fool of yourself!!"

"What was I doing like?"

"Dunno, just remember seeing ya!"

Thank God for that! The best thing in here was KG stood at downstairs underneath the balcony and Moss pouring Blue WKD into his mouth, his chest oh and his eyes.

Vienna

We queued but didn't go in and went across the road to..

Spenseleys

Being well and truly monged I have no recollection of even being in here but we did go in!

Chicago

The queue was ridiculous so we went to...

Lava

Cracking in here, not too packed, awesome tunes and a light display to go with it. Some top notch dancing from all of us. I'm told Moss gave up in here and after a round of golf Phil reminded of KG wrestling a bird all over the dancefloor. This poor lass looked like she was escaping an armlock at one point! Great stuff from Lava - well impressed.

Hometime

KG grabbed his parmo and me and Kathryn took the mick out of these lardheads from Gloucester. "Hello my neighbour, you been to the Tarrrrrvuurn?" You get the picture!

Taxi Home

I'll leave this one to KG - I still get pissed off thinking about it now.

What a cracker of a Bank Holiday Sunday it was - well what I can remember anyway!!

Downing.......

Seen this?

Knee trouble my arse, he's heard KG's gonna eat him and his arse has fell out.

Monday, August 29

Mad Coin trick

Debateable whether its real or not like, but still looks good!

Here

Fat Man dancing

No cheeky comments, regarding the similarities between him and me!

Go on son!

Breaking News....

KG had a bit of a run in with Middlesbrough star Stewart Downing in blue last night....

Click here to see what the Boro fans make of it.

Bit Obv...........


























































































From B3ta.

Saturday, August 27

A BW announcement

Dear Readers

You may be wondering why the Burnley Wallet is so busy on a Saturday Night, aren't them lardheads suppose to be 'avin it large down the town?

Well that was the old Burnley Wallet Team, gone are the days of Binge Drinking, Messing around with Dirty Women and clowning around. Its about time we all grew up and realised there is more to life than Alcohol, Women and Football.

From now on, we'll be commenting and discussing, Current and Foreign affairs, Fine Wines, The Arts, Politics and many more topical issues.

I hope you all enjoy our new look on life.

Yours Faithfully




Mr K Groves, Mr M.J Heaney and Mr P.W Heaney

The Burnley Wallet Team.


P.S Were a bunch of lieing Bastards, and were saving ourselves for an all dayer tomorrow!

Bring it on!

Big Boys Golf

As advertised earlier on in the week, Me, Peter, Chris and Phil had arranged to play our first round of Golf on a big 18 hole course.

Prior to this we went to the Driving range on Thursday night to practice driving the ball a very long way. Now my clubs are very old, almost antiques, now just keep that in mind whilst you continue reading,

Mid way through my set of 100 balls, I decided to have a go without a tee and hit the ball with a 3 iron off the astro turf. I did everything right kept my head still and eye on the ball, and as I connected with the ball the head of my club sailed down the fairway, much to the delight of the rest of the lads.

Anyway this morning, we met in the car park of Middlesbrough's Municipal Golf Course for 7am, and got ourselves ready for the 7.21 tee off.

Peter tee'd off first and managed about 70 yards as did Phil and Chris, so last up was me, "come on KG, nice and straight" I was telling myself.

WHACK - a good 175 yards down the middle of the fairway a cracking start.

Am not going to go into detail about every whole as I cant remember, but a few incidents worth mentioning are:

- Peter can somehow chip a ball with a 3 wood!
- Chris can chip the ball into the hole from a good 35 yards
- Phil at time can really twat a ball
- I can spank a golf ball, a long way!

One other incident was at about the 8th hole I noticed a draft around me groin area, and when I looked down I had somehow managed to rip me jeans, queue laughter all round once I told the lads.

I thought it was a top laugh and looking forward to when we play again, we all tired towards the end, and we completed the course in just over 3.5 hrs.

The course is a par 71 and we scored:

KG = 104
Chris = 119
Pete = 122
Phil = 130

Not bad considering it was our first go.

Round up of last nights Football.

For the first time in a good 3 weeks, none of us were ill, none of us were being dirty (except Richard as he's always dirty) and none of us were on a all day drinking session, so we all congregated on Coulby's leisure centre for a "Friendly" game of 5-a-side.

The sides were decided as:

KG, Pete, Dirty Richard and Moss

Vs

Mikey, Chris, Phil and Big Nose.

As it was the first time we'd played in a while a few of us were puffing and panting early doors, but once ya get thru that "Am Knackered" phase your alright.

Mikey's team scored first and but we quickly equalised, the game ebbed and flowed, Peter chipped in with a few goals for us as did Moss, Dirty Richard was busy and always a threat.

Chris bagged a couple for Mikey's team, as did Phil, with Stevie Merks the class above, however occasionally wasteful in front of goal.

After a while my team took control of the game after Dirty Richard came out on top of a 50/50 with Big Nose, think that shook him and he was quiet for a while.

We took a good 5 goal lead but no body really kept score, so a score of 15-12 was declared. Game on, and this gave Mikey's team the boost they needed.

One nasty incident came when Moss and Phil were both chasing a ball down the left hand side, they collided and Phil ended up crashing into the brick wall head first. I thought he'd cracked his skull open, and play was stopped for a good 5 mins. The lad had a massive bump on his head, but like a true professional/Nutter he continued and managed to grab himself a further goal.

Poor Mikey was having a stinker in front of goal, pre match he was saying how he was going to score a minimum of SIX, although very skillful for a big lad he lacks that cutting edge in front of goal, he never gave up mind.

Dirty Richard got stuck into Mikey and put him on the canvass much to the delight of yours truly, Mikey let it slip that he hadn't scored, so I was on a one man mission to stop him from scoring, whenever he got near goal I would shout "Don't let Mikey score" I think this worked as he wasted a number of glorious chances.

I scored 2 I think and one was a pile driver of shot.

Goal of the game goes to Moss, who whilst in goal, had the audacity to shoot from his own goal whilst the opposing keeper, Chris, was getting a drink, and he found the back of the net. What vision!

Towards the end the game reached 16-16 and last goal the winner was declared, to which Peter obliged and tucked the ball in the back of the net for victory.

A cracking game, little physical at times, but hey its a mans game!

Ratings:

KG - MUST TRY HARDER, 5
Pete - Goals win games and he bagged a hatful, 8
Dirty Richard - Full of running and tough tackling, 7
Moss - quieter than normal, but still scored goals, 7

Mikey - Midfield Dynamo but never looked like scoring , 7
Chris - scored 3 but switched off whilst in goal, 7
Big Nose - Different gravy when he wants to be, wasteful at times, 8
Phil - Star Man, a hatrick, after a whack on the head he showed grit and determination to carry on, 10

Thursday, August 25

Priceless

Man Utd Shirt: £35

Computer for your daughter: £675

Accidently walking in while she gets her baps out on webcam: PRICELESS!!

Click now....superb!!!

The Art of Retouching

Here's a load of totty in 'retouched' pictures. Hover your cursor over it to see it before the changes took place.

Yet more totty on the Wallet!!

Click

Wednesday, August 24

Chiefs in the Boro! At last!!!

Pre match team talk....

"Now chief, it's KG, what's the crack for tonight?"

"Now gadge, 6.30 in the Dickens was agreed with Phil. Shite result for Boro eh?"

"Fuck off."

"Yeah, so can ya sort a lift for 6.15 or whatever."

"6.15 yeah al sort it."

Taxi to Dickens Inn

So began the boringest taxi to Boro ever talking Boro's 2-0 loss over Spurs and getting remotely zero interest from the taxi driver. Boring bastard. Nevermind, 8 hours of fun to come!!

The Dickens Inn

Obviously me and KG were the first to arrive being the hardcore drinking legends that we are. However, I didn't expect us to be the first in the whole pub. What's going on? The Man City match was on in here and we got our drinks in just in time to see Andrew Cole's worst celebration ever. Good goal mind, I'll give him that.

Time ticked by and as the clock struck 6.50, "Right am texting him, dodgy twat! Or looker, here they are now!"

looker = it's yet another Boro word, means look over there I think.

They being Moss, Phil, Patrun and Gaz. Gaz was on a bit of a stag do but nothing ridiculous cos the lads a recovering alcy apparently. I didn't know what to make of it when he cracked on with a couple of pints in here!

Obviously fruities were caned in here. I think it must be the flashing lights. Away lads, you would 90% down if you added all you fruity wins and losses up in your lifetime.

So a couple of drinks in and back out into the glorious sunshine and up the road to...

Star and Garter

Got the drinks in and sat outside for a boys chinwag. Where girls talk make up, clothes and boyfriends, we talk make up, clothes and girlfriends. Not really! It can't be repeated on here I'm afraid!

After a bit, Carl Bryan, Rob Rushby and a load of others came pouring in past us. These are lads were mates with but sort of have their own going group if you know what I mean. Gypo, who in his excitement couldn't wait to tell us it was Carl's stag do and the stripper was on her way.

"Superb!!" we chimed in unison.

Rob piped in: "We paid fucking £4 for her and these bastards get to see it for free!"

So the stripper arrived and Carl was whipped within an inch of his life and covered in cream while we all cheered on and his Dad shouted "Whip him harder!!!". I think the stripper was more embarrased than him to be honest and Pete can tell you a good story about one of Carl's birthday presents.

We drank up and moved on...

The Southfield

We were all set for a nice quiet pint inside when some stupid bastard let a stink bomb off. It didn't just smell, you could feel your lungs burning when you took a breath. As a result, we all sat outside and talked even more shite!

The Southfield Triangle is after all, merely the warm up and to complete it we went to...

The Tavern (formerly The House)

This has only recently opened again and is now called The Tavern. Or The Taarrrvvuuurrrrn as KG calls it in his best southern farmer accent.

It's pretty much the same, just the floor has been relaid and it's had a lick of paint. Some beauty pool tables at the back now that looked brand new. So we all cracked on here. We were also joined by Mal, one of Moss and Phil's mates.

When Moss was playing pool, I nudged him in the back and he turns round in agony. "F**king knacked that, its off that time I fell 60 foot off a roof."

"Fuck off, no way."

Moss then proceeds to tell us in detail how he fell off this roof and in even more detail just how he coped with injuries.

I'd had quite a big tea not too liong before coming out, followed by 5 pints and a couple of bottles I felt more than a bit queasy when he showed me the lumps in his wrist were the metal was pulled out of his arm.

HUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRR!!!!! I thankfully made the toilets but fuck me was I sick. I spewed unbelievably badly. Not nice but very refreshing. The Romans used to do it you know!

After leaving there we flagged down a taxi...

Taxi to Lloyds

Driving down Linthorpe Road past Blue Lounge and TS1, there was police all over the place. It's all part of Operation Sabre which is some sort of new police thing to stop misbehaviour in the town. We might need to start going elsewhere lads!!

KG asks the driver: "Been watching Lost mate?"

Driver: "No, no I haven't."

KG: "Me neither, can't find what channel it's on!"

According to KG I said something in here which had Moss crying with giggles but neither of us can remember. I only mentioned that cos it makes me look funny as. I'll ask him next time I see him.

I've since learnt though that KG nicked that off Soccer AM. Dodgy that mate!

Lloyds

I can't recall if it was packed or dead in here. I got the drinks in though and was royally stung. Two single vodka red bulls cost £5.15. £5.15?? In Lloyds. Disgrace.

However when I took a swig, it nearly took the roof of my mouth off it was strong. Think an extra large shot had gone in. I couldn't drink mine but KG gladly obliged and managed to down his own, mine, which was nearly half full and half of Patruns Blue WKD. Greedy bastard!!

Once downed we shifted next door to...


Yates

Gaz, who had been quiet thus far and had relatively little punishment got his stag do treat when we all chipped in for a massive ten test tube shots for him. Fair play to the lad he knocked them back two at a time with no complaints. Phil then managed a measly 5.

I got a couple of pictures of these daft birds on the dance floor which you can see here and I think Phil, who was daft from his test tubes was demanding "Rocking all over the World" be put on by the DJ.

Yates is a cracking little pub if you catch it right. Moving on...

Trader Jacks

KG the smoothy spotted his fave barmaid giving leaflets out at the front. Shes from the Hogshead and he treats her to a drink. As a result of looking for the flirty bear who seemed to be gone for half an hour while we pissed about with beer mats and wound Gaz up, we ended up drinking our bottles outside the door.

Walkabout

Me and Gaz had a dance with ladies downstairs while the rest went upstairs. I demanded "Rocking all over the World" (we love this song by the way) and was given a straight up "Yes". Did he play it? Did he fuck. His excuse? It's not the right part of the mix. Bollocks mate, you play them back to back anyway!

Can't have been in here more than 15 mins before the upstiars lot were walking out without us.

After a bit of a walk about and argument about where to go, (us lads eh?) we all piled in to the queue at CRC for a good old fashioned sing along, grab a granny and have a crazy half an hour before trying to get it on with not too bad looking bird.

Chicago Rock

The queue wasn't going anywhere fast and when KG was finally let in I wasn't but I was paying him in. "In ya go son." Nice one. We had a drink and that first before a mega tune came on that was begging for dance floor action. KG was straight in there and before I knew it he was practically wrestling this blonde lass in the corner of the dance floor! He had her in a lock of some kind but I don't think you'd see it in a wrestling ring!!!

20 minutes later after more tunage and lunacy I turns round again and he's got his tongue half way down another lasses throat!! KG you must be out of hibernation are ya?

After both lasses dissapeared, not before giving KG their numbers, it was cracking on for 2.30 and the DJ closed off by giving us My Way and then the National Anthem.

As KG put it, "Av got a tear in my eye." His fucking japs eye, the way that first lass was carrying on the dirty bastard!!

"Right chief, are we off?"

"Am hungry."

Parmo

He goes in the busiest food place in Boro, surrounded by Police. It took ages to get it and it was cracking on for 3am now. After a phone call from Kathryn to see where KG was, she was met with, "Am eating me Parmo in the town and I did it My Way!"

Taxi Home

After finally getting a taxi to stop at about 4am we gets in.

"Where you going guys?"

Me: "Er yeah mate, Esto....."

KG: "DO YOU KNOW THE WAY TO SAN JOSE!!!"

For the first two minutes of the journey I was smacked to death by KG saying he was "Bam Margera battering his Dad!!"

And then, the singing never stopped all the way home. The poor driver who was miserable as sin was badgered into naming his favourite bands and songs which we sing as loudly and as badly as we could including, the Beach Boys "I get Around" with KG on harmonies.....

"Round round, get around...."

"AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

We got back to KG's house and took the long way round so we could get more songs in and piss the driver off even more even though it cost me a tenner.

Overall a cracking night, I wasn't drunk enough after my spewing session but I can safely say KG was high as a kite.

One of the best we've had a in a while!

News Flash:

Unconfirmed reports that Mikey is almost finished the Saturday night review.

Woohoo!

Golf

Its the sport of the moment me thinks with the us at the wallet.

Over the past few weeks we have frequently been found pitch and putting ourway round Prissick golf course, a little 12 hole course.

However on Saturday morning, four of us are venturing out to "The Municipal", a fully grown beast of a Golf course.

Me, Pete, Chris and Phil are the brave souls who will be tee-ing off at 7.21am. We will no doubt lose approx 15 golf balls each and be totally knackered come the green on the 18th.

We'll all be gasping for a pint in the club house.

Were also playing football this Friday, first time in 3 weeks, so check back on Saturday afternoon for a full round up of Golf and Football.

Rouge Comments

Anyway we can get all these annoying comments banned from commenting on the worlds finest blog Pete?

Hopefully Blogger can do something.

Tuesday, August 23

Sorry to Dissapoint

But there's no night out review yet as I was playing golf, badly, with the Wallet crew.

Monday, August 22

Comments

Who needs them eh? 12 comments. All shit.

And of Course Makosi....



















I think that's Big Bro finally put to bed now!!!

At last.

Big Bro at the Movies

Big Brother's cast didn't hang about getting into the glitz and glamour of Hollywood did they?























































Night Out Preview

Since it was my first day back at work today and I had an in-tray like Baghdad and the whole morning spent typing I'm lacking the energy to do the night out justice so I'll do it tomorrow. Hey, I'm a co-owner of the Wallet - I don't have deadlines!

A brief glimpse of what happened....

Me, KG, Patrun, Moss, Phil and Gaz (the recovering alcy on his stag do) were the monsters out on the town.

Carl Bryan (a lad we know and kick about with on rare occasions) on his stag do getting a stripper in the Star and Garter. All his mates paid £4 for the privilage of watching. We just went in and watched anyway!

Moss falling 60 foot off a roof. A story so horrific my previous 4 pints and Chip Butty dinner came hurling out in the Tavern. The Tavern? Where's that you ask - find out tomorrow.

Gaz being bought 10 or was it 15 test tubes in Yates and downing the lot.

KG pulling in Chicago Rock. Not once but twice. Legend!

Plus the best sing along in a taxi home ever.

And much much more. It was a cracker!! Come back tomorrow night for the full run down.

Sunday, August 21

Mario 64

Some absolute gaming god manages to complete Mario 64 in just over 20 minutes. Amazing you think? Watch the video and prepare to be wowed. Click.

Amazon.com: Health & Personal Care: Anal Douche

Found on I am Bored. I wasn't 'browsing' on Amazon before the rumours start.

Click.

Abundantbible.org

Have you seen the address for this? KG always uses the www bit in the address before today. What's the crack. Has Nathan Paylor got his revenge or something?

http://www.burnleywallet.blogspot.com

Saturday, August 20

Satda Night..........

..........and I'm in.

I've had a few you see, so I think I'll have a rant.

I've just had the dire misfortune to watch the X-Factor. You know, the ropey "Opportunity Knocks" style thingy where some tosspot from some godforsaken town in the midlands tries to 'be' Whitney Houston / Elton John (Delete as per sex, or not as the case may be).

Tonight, however, reached new heights of dip-shit-osity.

In Manchester,when the audition came to town, a slightly rotund 19 year old bird appeared, who looked like Fizz from Corrie (And yes, she clearly thought "she's a looker, all the blokes wanna bit of Fizz" and modeled her next makeover on her. You see them, in the town dressed up, for example, like Kat Slater from 'Stenders. Don't they realise? Eh?) . But, oh, so much worse.

Anyhow, she's followed by the worlds most scummy entourage. What appears to be her mother, and possibly her slightly better looking sister, and a man looking like an Anorexic Shaun Ryder.

So in she goes, does Fizz, like a weeble going to the chair. On the outside, her mother asks for a guardian angel to be by her side. Entire nation goes "What?" in total disbelief. Entire nation expects her to be shit. But, no, she's something entirely worse.

She's average.

So X-Factor can't use her for:

Mint singer - or - Madcap personality - or - Story to tell

She's just bland. So natch, they fuck her off. She storms out, and then the entourage storms in to plead with Cowell.

"Please Simon!" (Would have gone Mr Cowell meself like) "Let her in, it's her life! She's got nowt else!"

You're not wrong.

The final scene was of her mother dragging a distraught Fizz away, fuming for the cameras.

"He's thrown my daughters life away!"

No he hasn't. She can go back to McDonalds now can't she? As a customer, natch.

Manchester Buccaneers

This is the funniest blog I've seen.

Even funnier though, are the comments the Man U fans leave. Click.

Friday, August 19

Monged Update

This, my loyal readers, is KG pissed up last Friday, in a trolley, with a baby's dummy in his mouth.

Whether or not that is all that was left to eat of the baby only Keith can tell us.

As we approached Focus the trolley's were calling my name, so I went and stole one and jumped in it leaving Pete to drive, after about 100yards he left me in it and I couldn't get out, I was shouting him but the twat just ignored me. I somehow managed to pull myself out the trolley, not before I almost dislodged me shoulder blades!

Morally Wrong

Me and KG are joining up with Phil and his 'crew' (Moss, Patrun etc.) to celebrate a stag do of a recovering alcoholic this Saturday night. We're being really adventurous this week and are going to, wait for it, Middlesbrough!!!

According to Phil (cos I'm not taking the blame on this one), the plan is to get him totally pissed. Again.

Nevermind, we'll probably be in the help centre with him in a few years. "Hi, I'm KG and what it is right is like, I'm an alcoholic chiefs."

I'll try and get some non-fuzzy photos as well. Honest.

Family Guy

A classic little scene. As good as the Simpsons if not better at times.

Wedding Photos

Pete - thank christ your wedding wasn't like this one!!

Chess Grand Master

Since me and KG have been off this week and done nothing but play golf at Prissick and caned chess on Messenger I can now confirm that: -

a) KG has, if anything, gotten worse at golf.

b) The man's a legend when it comes to chess and has beaten me about 15 times to my 1. I used that old Queen/Bishop 4 move cheaty trick!!

If anyone wants to challenge KG to a game his e-mail is keithgroves83@hotmail.com.

York Races

Me and our Chris went to York races yesterday, part of Big Micks yearly trip to the final day of the Ebor festival.

We go every year and its always a cracking day out.

So the coach picked us up about 8.30am and took us to the Haynes Arms pub/restaurant for a full English Breakfast.

A couple of the hardcore drinkers tucked into a pint with their breakfast (Not for me, I'm no big drinker compared to some of them!)

The coach got parked up on the course and we headed for the Knavesmire pub, it was scorching down in York so we knocked a few Stella's into us and enjoyed the sunshine.

We paid our £24 entrance money to get in and started to study the form, well try to.

I had a couple of Dog bets whilst waiting for the first race, but no joy. Leave it out KG and stick to the GG's.

Everyone had a go at the Placepot (You pick a horse in each of the first 6 races and that horse needs to finish 1,2 or 3 to win)

So the first race was about to start when KG swoops in for the kill,

"£10 on Arakan please chief"

Result! It romped home at 7/2, what a start to the day.

The next 4 races weren't too clever, but me Placepot was still going strong.

The 6th race brought my 2nd winner of the day, Kristano ( I think it was called) won at 9/4, and it also brought up my Placepot bet.

So I won 30 odd quid on the horse then the placepot paid £48.60 for a £1 stake, however I stuck £2 on it and won a handsome amount of £97.20. RESULT!

The last race me horse finished 2nd, but I couldn't grumble.

Half way through the racing our Chris was feeling peckish so off he went to the sandwich shop for a sarnie. He comes back about 10 mins later with 2 beef baguettes and £11 lighter. Robbing Bastards!

After the last race we headed off back to the coach, me jeans kept falling down because of all me money!

On the way back there was a beauty crash, which we all saw on the A19. One car smashed into the back of another. Mental!

Back in Eston we all poured into the Tute for more lager, one of the lads Bob had a tip for the 8.10 at Chepstow, Elidore.

I think Bob went to the Bookies with about £150 of the lads money, and fair play to the lad it won at 15/2, that was another £42.50 winnings. A great way to round off a great day.

I started the day with £200 in me pocket and when a counted up this morning I had £260.

Thats me Blackpool money sorted!

Weighed In!!
Weighed In!!

3rd World Bomb Squad

This is pretty horrific. It won't give me the sleepless night that beheading video gave me though.

Thursday, August 18

Obsessed with Winning

So obsessed that I couldn't resist posting my Dream Team score after one week...

Friedel 1

McCartney 0
Naysmith 0
Upson 4
A Ferdinand 3

Reid 1
Geremi 0
Downing 5
Lampard 5

Van Nistlerooy 8
Rooney 13

A massive 40 points already.

Wednesday, August 17

Comments and a bit of a Rant

I woke up this morning, feeling fine. I looked at my last post and had comments, five.

Comment 1 received from some sort of magic type bloke. Anonymous mind you.

Come and check it out if you get time and if your interested in this sort of thing:-).

If not have fun and carry on blogging.

Okay, I'll do just that.

Comment 2 received from The Coolest Guy on the Planet.

So cool that he couldn't be bothered to leave his name which is allegedly Sam Freedom. Having a name like that loses you cool points in my humble opinion. A quick look on their site and well Sam Freedom can stick his comment.

Comment 3 received from Anonymous. There's a surprise.

Debut of Chris Neubauer's commentaryWe won't talk much fantasy football in my first blog because I actually have to go participate in a mock draft with the PFW staff in a few minutes.I agree with you...

I have a blog that pretty much covers hip hop listen n rap related stuff.Come visit if you get time :-)

I can't actually find this blog. Not sure if this is a genuine comment or not. I doubt it.

Comment 4 received from Anonymous. Not sure if it's the same Anonymous who posted the other comments.

Check my free bible study site out. Useful free bible study info is available. Could be useful info for you.

It won't be very useful for us. Nathan Paylor however will love this kind of stuff.

For those not in the know Nathan Paylor is a God fearing Christian from Stockton who hates us for some reason.

Comment 5. Anonymous. Obviously.

I agee with your post. Hey check this out--You're Going To LOVE This Site. Visit this Free Software Site!

I gave it the benefit of the doubt and was psyched about finding a new site I would, according to Anonymous, LOVE.

I'm sorry to say but it's on a par with those blogs you find when clicking the "next blog" button.

You know the ones: Take a look .................OH SHUT UP!!!!!

I don't know if you've also noticed but they're always "so sleepy". How??? You can't even be bothered to type words fully!!! Fckng lzy bstrds.

So readers of the Wallet, we do want comments from you as there's a great sense of pride to be had in knowing someone appreciates what you do.

In fact a HUGE prize awaits the next sensible comment we receive from one of our loyal readers. KG and Pete, although you read the Wallet you aren't allowed to enter.

Nasty Accident

After picking KG up from the dentists this lunchtime (he said he had nothing to eat and that's the tooth & his appointment was at 2.30. Buddum tssh!) we drove back down past the Eston Methodist Church.

Approaching it just going past the Beacon pub we saw a hearse and funeral procession and guests all outaside the church.

Me: "Should I stop?"

KG: "Nah man, just be quick."

So quick in fact that when I hit the speed bump right infront of the church it knocked my driving arm into the horn of the car and I managed to 'toot' a funeral.

I never tried so hard to stifle a giggle and not look round to see if anyone noticed.

So wrong but so funny. I can confirm KG is alive and well despite collapsing with laughter at my misfortune.

Tuesday, August 16

Maradona

The man's a legend.

Pele, however, was quoted as recently saying "It's much easier for strikers these days. If I played now I would not score 1200 goals, I would score 2400."

Yeah, but you still can't get it up can you?

Saturday Illness

We did go out on Saturday but us 3 were all a bit under the weather.

Pete and KG were trying to shift a hangover and aching bodies from Friday's antics and I was still having a mare with my tonsills.

KG's mam, God love her, Sharon picked me up along with Kathryn to take us up the town.

KG, Chris and Pete were already out at the match, the epic 0-0 with Liverpool. Looked shit on the TV.

So Sharon or Shazza as we call her picked me up 15 minutes late. 200 yds down the road and she'd forgotten the Calpol for her grandson. "Jeez, are we ever gonna get up the town Shazza?"

Jo and Phil rang me to see where I was, only 25 minutes late and we arrived in TS1 to find Phil, Patrun and Jo in there. We'd picked up Alex on the way as well by the way.

TS1

It was nice and cool and relaxed in here but sadly we only had time for one before KG, Pete and Chris were on the phone demanding we come to Lloyds.

Me, Phil and Patrun walked it and the ladies got a taxi down there.

Lloyds

It was packed in here but we went upstairs and found a seat and met up with the lads. I was dying in here, I broke into a cold sweat and thought I was going to pass out, the Stella was having a nasty reaction with Auntie Bios.

I saw the lovely Marie as well who I work with which was met with a "Go on Mikey, get stuck in!!" the moment she left our table. Believe me lads, given half the chance!

We had a couple in here and KG gave me a full rundown of Friday, he's missed some bits off his review on here but I think they are best left off!!

Yates

Jo and Kathryn had a boogy on down in here and a lethal test tube each. I was still feeling it a bit and was thinking of an early finish but I fought on and shook it off. I was determined to have some semblance of a decent night out!

Hogshead

A quick game of cone football (well, Phil booted a cone at me) in here and some good tunage and we drank up and moved on. I say drank up, since I was struggling a bit I never finished a drink anywhere, which was met with an angry KG giving it, "ARE YOU EVER GONNA FINISH YA DRINK???!!!" I could have and probably should have headbutted him.

Oz Bar (Walkabout for those new to the Wallet)

"I'm not queuing!" - lasses eh? They won't wait for nothing.

Blue

Pretty busy in here for once, Gary Waxwork came in about two minutes after us. So me Phil and KG descended into waxwork impressions behind his back - how old are we? Funny though.

Barry Cuba

It was chocka in here, Pete had a mare getting served before we sat in this little booth style thing to the side of the DJ.

Here's some pics of us lardheads.

Aruba

Poor Patrun had a mega Quad Vodka and Coke bought for him. After he drank it he came out of his shell and became a Patrun we've never seen before. Keep him off the hard stuff in future!!

Chris had an argument with the black aftershave man over a locked cubicle in the bogs. Desperate for a shite, he had his 10p out and was picking the lock. Away Chris - were you gonna share the bog?

Vienna

Jodie met up with us in the queue and was met with a host of waxwork impressions. She goes out with Gary Waxwork you see.

It was mad in Vienna, Phil (I think) just suddenly started pinching my nipple - I have serious concerns about the lad now.

This then developed into me, Patrun, KG and Phil stood covering our tits but getting each other when we let our guard down.

Then when I was messing about doing something else, Patrun got me in a bear hug from behind (more concerns) and I was pinched to within an inch of my life. I honestly thought my nipples were bleeding it was that bad.

We left Vienna, I was in agony but the fact Jo had got us £3 Privilege tickets for Hush cheered me up although Hush is, well, not my cup of tea.

Our tickets became "Pri - village" passes when I noticed the duff spelling on them (dyslexic me spotting a mistake!) queuing to get in, plus KG was faced with the daunting prospect of two flights of stairs. "Where's the lift darling?" he asked much to my amusement.

Hush

What a complete bag of toss this place is. Firstly you can barely see the person in front of you it's that dark. It's £1.50 for a bottle of water. Even Walk - "have you got credit?" - about will give you a pint for free. And the music, oh man, who wants to hear unheard of hip hop at full whack, so pumped up on the bass you can't hear anything but the bassline (other than Pete cos he does know his music). Painful for us rock and roll fans.

Jo, Pete, Chris and Alex left after about half an hour or so in here.

The rest of us decided to go to Walkabout.

Oz Bar

It wasn't too bad in here. We had a bit of a dance upstairs but mainly sat down and totally zombied out.

We left at 12.30ish. A dismal effort from the boys but I guarantee it will be ten times better next week.

Take a Test Drive.

Over the last week or so, we've been having a few discussions about how we can improve our already awesome web site.

So I came up with a challenge "Who can test drive the best car?"

Well to be honest I forgot about it, until I was clearing out my junk emails, when I notice one from Renault with a subject of "Test Drive the new Clio today"

Alright I will, so I have booked my slot for 9am on Saturday 20th August 2005, and this is what I'll be driving!

All about the Clio

Right lads I've set the bar, its up to you to beat it!

www.dontclick.it

Very well presented site, don't click your mouse though.

Harold's Food Frenzy

Apparently with me being a bonafide Harold Bishop lookalike, I'm pleased to announce I have my own game.

Some of his comments are just, well, fucking genius to be honest with you!

Dream Team

I did send this to Mike at about 12.00 on Satda, but anyway:

GK: Jaaskelainen (Bolton)

DF: Samuel (Villa)
DF: Queudrue (Boro)
DF: Clement (WBA)
DF: Spector (Charlton)

MF: Pires (Arsenal)
MF: Robben (Chelsea)
MF: Okocha (Bolton)
MF: Arca (Sunlun')

FW: Van Nistelrooy (Man U)
FW: Drogba (Chelsea)

A last placed side if ever I saw one.

Monday, August 15

Dream Team

Away Pete sort your Dream Team out!

I think there was a 12pm deadline last Saturday and you set it!

LAZY!

Monged (The Sequel)

Last Friday me and Pete decided to take a day off work to watch Day 2 of the 3rd Ashes test between England and Australia. And what better place to watch it but in the Australian Bar, Walkabout in the town.

So Pete picked us up for 10ish, and took us over his house, had a few goes on the Cricket Game on the Xbox before getting a taxi sorted to get in the town for 11.30ish.

So we arrives in town and finds Oz bar shut, nightmare! Ah well the pub over the road will do, Trader Jacks, quick pint in here and caught some of the cricket before rain stopped play.

Oz Bar eventually opened and we settled down to watch some cricket and basically get pissed up!

Ordered a bit of Aussie Tucker, Pete whacked a kangaroo burger into him and I sampled a Aussie all dayer (Greasy Fry Up to you and me)

A lad I work with popped in and argued about footy for 3 hours with Pete, (I opted out of the argument as I have had the same argument about 17 times with him at work. Anyway we moved on from walkabout after a good 6 pints of Stella and thought a change of scenery was on the cards.

We walked round to Lloyds and had another pint in there before heading next door to Yates, Allan (Lad from Work) fucked off about 5pm, leaving me and Pete to ponder what to do next.

"Get another drink each KG and we'll sort it out" Peter advised.

Note: By now we'd had at least 8 Pints each plus Vodka and Red Bull!

"Shall we ring Mikey and get him to take us to Coulby?" I asked

"Go on then"

Ring Ring.....

Ring Ring.....

"hello" answered Mikey

"Now CHIEFFFF" came a drunk KG

"Dya want?"

"Lift from Town to Coulby"

"Fuck off"

Beeeeeeeeep.... (Mikey had hung up)

"Try Phil" cried Peter

Phil kindly agreed to pick us up but he'd be another 40 mins, "Ah Well more drinking time in it?"

Phil finally arrived and we jumps in his car, with drinks in hand.

Driving up some road towards Coulby these Chavs were causing a bit of bother and seeing as I had finished me drink I decided to hurl it towards them, (Luckily for them I was pissed and I missed).

Next Pete told me to chuck Red Bull over a car who was giving us a bit of verbals, I didn't need a second chance and covered this car with Red Bull (Looking back it was childish and immature, but at the time, fucking hilarious)

Phil decided we would try the Smithy (a notorious Ruff and hard Pub in Coulby)I think I got the beer in and we had a few goes on the Quiz machine, before we sat down and laughed about Nottingham and all looked forward to Blackpool. We then went and sat down on the stools, and Peter decided to knock me off my stool and I fell backwards, I got up, composed myself, and nigh on Rugby tackled Pete off his stool, he fell a good 5 yards back, and Phil was pissing himself.

I later found out that a bloke said to us "Think you have had enough lads" to which I replied with "You'll know when we've had enough"

After we finished wrestling, Phil got us another pint in, I don't think we finished it to be honest like, before dropping us off at the Lingfield.

We sat outside in the Lingfield and were drinking like Pussies, the rate had really slowed down, enough was enough we thought, we were officially MONGED!

Upon leaving the Lingfield Pete hurled his drink and mine at a parked car (Why? Dunno thought it was a good idea pissed up)

As we approached Focus the trolley's were calling my name, so I went and stole one and jumped in it leaving Pete to drive, after about 100yards he left me in it and I couldn't get out, I was shouting him but the twat just ignored me. I somehow managed to pull myself out the trolley, not before I almost displodged me shoulder blades!

We gets back to Pete and Joe's house, and I don't think Mrs Heaney was amused at just how drunk we were!

Dirty Richard and Dirty Philippa arrived at Joe's for a visit, wrong place wrong time for them two, Me and Pete had there lives but I can't really remember.

Joe kindly offered me a can of lager which I accepted not knowing it was spiked with Vodka - revenge from me BBQ from a few weeks back.

I crashed in the spare room, at the end of a cracking days boozing!

Catchy Tune

Sometime on Sunday:

KG: "Chief, what's that tune they play in nearly all the last few pubs we go in the town? It's goes der der der de de deh deh! Der dunun dunun dun dun yeah!"

Me: "I know the one you mean, I think it's 2 Unlimited you know."

And sure enough it was 2 Unlimited's "Get Ready for This" .........click to hear.

KG, you can sleep well tonight now you've laid that to rest.

Pretty duff song but when it's played in the likes of Vienna, Walkabout and Chicago the place erupts.

Sunday, August 14

Domino Pressure

Guess the correct domino to set it off and squash the tomato.

You say tomato but I say tomato.

Sin City

I've not seen it but heres a shooty game you're bound to enjoy.

I managed 114 kills with a 75% accuracy.

Summer Games 2005

It's tough.

Saturday, August 13

Monged

To find out why Pete and Keith look just like this come back in the next few days for a full explanation.

Friday, August 12

Daisy Duke Dances for You

Genius, that's my weekend sorted.

Thursday, August 11

Eugene-ius

There must have been very few people who weren't urging Eugene, Big Brother's hero, to take the money and get what he so richly deserved.

Big Brother was sensational viewing last night.

First off, Bent-Geordie-Dwarf-Stalker Craig was given the boot after he received the least votes from the public who are currently voting for the winner.

Then an hour later BB asked a housemate to come to the diary room. It could have been another eviction as far as they knew. Up stepped noble Eugene, ready to stare eviction in the face and give his fellow housemates a free shot at first prize. For that very gesture he deserves every penny of his £50,000.

The £50,000 was offered to the housemate who came to the diary room (Eugene) under the circumstances that £50,000 would be his now and the other £50,000 would go to the winner.

The housemates were then told if he refused the £50,000, the winning prize would be doubled to £200,000.

He did what any of us would do and took it.

Good on you Eugene for standing up and believing in yourself and showing a bit of confidence.

I want the bloke to win it now and show all the wannabes that although he's boring, geeky and lacks confidence he is however a respectable, honourable and genuinely top man.

C'mon Eugene, win it for the Wallet.

KG's Dream Team

Its easy money this lads, try and beat these beauties.

Keeping Goal

1. Nigel "clean Sheet" Martyn, Everton - £3M

Defence

2. Olef "The Rock" Mellberg, Aston Villa - £2.5M
3. Jonathon "New Steve Bruce" Spector, Charlton - £2M
4. Zat "tackle a brick wall" Knight, Fulham - £2.5M
5. Frank "Soon to be French Int." Queuedrue, Middlesbrough - £3.5M

Midfield

6. Dennis "Bargain" Rommedahl, Charlton - £1M
7. Stelios "Greek God" Giannakopoulos, Bolton - £3M
8. Steven "Money Bags" Gerrard, Liverpool - £6M

Strikers

9. Thierry "Goals for fun" Henry, Arsenal - £8M
10. Jermain "Back of the net" Defoe, Spurs - £5.5M
11. Mikkel "Poacher" Forrsell, Birmingham - £3M

Total Spends = £40M

Cant wait for the season to start now!

Swinging Update

Total messages received from dirty bitches off the net in the last 2 months:

0

Total funds raised to buy me a membership to contact dirty bitches on the net:

£0

Total amount of swinging:

Absolutely fuck all.

This swinging game is over, buy us a Ferrarri or something! (Pete: change the the PayPal chief!)

Wednesday, August 10

Dream Team

I have picked my star studded 11 for this forthcoming seasons event. We lost track last season and didn't really know who had won but not this season!!!

Here's my deadly team of world beaters and remember, no matter how good it looks, no copying!

'kin Awesome FC

In goal...

Brad Friedel, Blackburn Rovers - £3.5m

In defence...

McCartney (dunno his first name is how good he is!), Sunderland - £1.5m
Gary Naysmith, Everton - £2.5m
Matthew Upson, Birmingham - £2.5m
Anton Ferdinand, West Ham - £1.5m

Midfield...

Andy Reid, Tottenham - £2m
Geremi, Chelsea - £1.5m
Stewart Downing, Boro - £4.5m
Frank Lampard, Chelsea - £8m

Attack

Ruud Van Nistlerooy, Man Utd - £7m
Wayne Rooney, Man Utd - £5.5m

They should rack up approx 1700 points with my estimates for the season.

Excited by this prospect? Want to play with us? (Michael Jacksons favourite chat up lines!)

Why not e-mail Pete and leave him your team!!!

Wreck the Hotel

Bit of practice for Blackpool!!!

Wait till it loads, enter a name (guaranteed to be Chief) then when it comes on press space bar when the strength meter is in the middle, press space to make him jump on the bed then space again to send the random item flying. I managed to send a dodge charger through the Disco roof and kill everyone for more points. My kind of game!

Big Brother Final Night

Remember this?

Well KG just so happens to have the day off on Friday and is spending the day in Walkabout watching the cricket. I might just have to join him at 5.30 after work and get pissed up for another BB Final night.

C'mon KG - we'll win the competition this time!!

Tuesday, August 9

Chief's in the Boro (minus Mikey)

'What, no Mikey?' I hear you cry.

Thats right the big girl still had a sore throat!

So with no Mikey I was frantically trying to find someone to go out with , and I didn't fail, Paul Ahdal (work mate, mentioned on here more than once)and Phil joined me up the town for a top night out.

I had arranged to meet Paul in the Dickens for 7 and he filled us in with his weeks gambling, as he had been off work all week. I won't bore you by telling you how he got on with his Lucky 15's, 30p Round Robins, 10p Up and Down reverse forecasts and tricasts. Lets just say he very rarely shows a profit!

We stuck a few quid in the bandit (As you always do with Ahdal) and lost a few quid, we supped up and moved on to the Star.

The Barman who knows Phil in here asked me again where me scouser cousins were, same place as the last time you asked me, back home in Liverpool! More fruity action in here and more loss!

Southfield, Ahdals round, usually banter in here when ordering drinks (Got a yellow card?, No I have a job and pay taxes unlike that scruffy cunt at the end of the bar, you know the ones STUDENTS)

Yet more fruity action and at last a decent win on a bandit we didn't know, we took the mystery prize and it paid out 20 sniffs, right that's it no more fruities for me.

The House was shut, I do remember seeing a sign the last time we were in there that it was going to be closed for a refurb, deffo worth a visit when it re opens!

So with the house shut and it being too early to go into town we decided on Blue Lounge, not for me in here like, take the Champers list, the cheapest is £34.99 and the most expensive is £125.00. (Ow Blue Lounge, this is the Boro we like our Lager cheap and maybe a bag of pork scratchings, none of this fancy shite)

We jumped in a taxi to Lloyds but it was like 6 deep at the bar (Upstairs and Down) so we went next door to Yates, Phil finally arrived and Paul was playing the bandit, now when I mean playing the bandit, I mean really playing the bandit, the poor lad ran out of money and had to borrow off me and Phil, the lads got a problem a tell ya!

After Paul ran out of money he went to the bank and met us back in Trader Jacks, the barmaids were all wearing nurses uniforms and believe me they looked good, one of them as she was handing over 2 pints of lager dropped both them showering these two lads, oh how we laughed!

Next port of call was Oz Bar, only stopped for the one in here, and bumped into Claire and Stevie who were out with Claires cousin and husband a think, who can sort us out with tickets for away games apparently and may be joining us in Blackpool.

We went to Blue next and proper built up Blackpool, with Moss apparentlyly going to wreck the place! Oh man!

Barracuda, with Blue not having any bandits Paul needed a fix and played the one in here, again losing a fortune, he must have spent up to £50 so far on fruit machines alone!

Aruba, was boring as usual, Vienna, superb in here, a welcome return for a Saturday night, again bumped into Mr and Mrs Big Nose, Ste was wrecked by now (Poor lad can't handle 3 pints of Stella)all the favorite songs in here, also bumped into a few familiar faces from work, school and the barmaids from the Hogs must have been on a night out. God knows who was giving the sermon in the Hogs!

Chicago, after queuing up, Paul decided to sneak off without telling anyone, so that left me and Phil, bumped into Jodie and her mate, plus Gary was in there. Gary at one stage was hugging a lad and looked as though he was crying, so when ever Gary would go for a wonder one of us would say to the other "Where's Gary gone?" "Dunno, must be in the corner having a cry" Probs not very funny, but pissed up it was hilarious!

Now I'll have to be careful what I put here, but do you remember the lass Michelle who Mikey was kind of seeing 2 weeks back? Yeah? Well she was in there giving it the owld H.L.A (Hot Lesbian Action)with a number of very attractive females. Get back in there Mikey your sure to have a good time!

Jodies mate Rachel brought this weird girl over and goes to me, "Av brought her over for you to get off with" Nice One, NOT! But me being me I did, but thankfully she didn't stay long! We left Chicago just after the last song which was the national anthem, Genius, it gave ya goose bumps a tell ya!

Went for a parmo (as always) and finally got a taxi bout 2.45am! Top Night out.

Stuff that's Happening

It's been a tad quiet on the wallet over the past fortnight. The whole of netland seems to be in a bit of trough of crappy links and stuff we've all seen before so nicking it for the Wallet is a bit pointless as only the best will cock-a-doodle-do for us.

Last week I had a bout of tonsillitis that wasn't too pleasant an experience. I spent most of my time in bed tripping my tits off on huge doses of antibiotics, Olbas Oil, Beechams powders, Sudafed and Vics Vaporub all taken at once. I was totally high as a kite - including waking up at 2.30am to check if the hits on the Wallet had gone up any and watching Allo Allo with me Mam at 5am in the morning just before she went to work. I say watch Allo Allo, I'd actually stare at the TV and nod off every three minutes and then start to shake and sweat like mad before going back to bed.

I also had a text in my drafts on my mobile which said, "All of Eston is brand new." Not a clue what that meant.

So my blogging was on the down low but I am pleased to announce I am back fighting fit.

KG kept us going strong though with some cracking links and a good write up of footy. He really must try harder!!

This Friday, KG and Pete have both licked a bit of arse and got the day off to spend all day in walkabout and watch England thrash the Aussies at cricket.

Possible scene in Oz Bar on Friday....

KG: "Hey mate!"

Ozzie: "G'day mate!!"

KG: "Ya like cricket mate?"

Ozzie: "Orr yeah mate, I fucking love it!!"

KG "Well why don't ya fuck off back to Oz and watch it?!"

It could get messy.

This Saturday sees the glorious, long awaited return of football to our lives. There are few things nicer than that 'fresh' feeling of the first few weeks of the Premiership.

Boro take on Liverpool on Saturday evening and KG and Pte will be in attendance. I will then be joining them for a bit of a booze up in the town for what should be a cracking return to form for us three Walleteers.

It's good to be back chiefs!!!

Fantasy Footy

Right chiefs get into it, Sun rules apply. Teams must be emailed to me by 12.00 on Satda 13th August.

Ten pound a man prize for the winner, and I might even do it right this time.

Pick your rabble here: Sun Dream Team 05/06

Email us at burnleywalletblog@yahoo.co.uk before 12 on Satda.

Go on chiefs, get em in!

The ZX Matrix

Paris

Or indeed "Gay Paree" as it is known by everyone but the French, who simply call it "Paris".

In a quick rundown of events:

Teesside international mackem mover airport: Beer.

CDG Froggy aero gare: lost, needed piss.

Gare du nord froggy rail thing: lost, needed piss + tickets

Metro underground thingy (x2): Not lost, but very stressed.

Paris: 1.5 days of lost + big tower. Not as good as Blacky tower as it has NO SEALIFE CENTRE.

And then the journey here but in reverse. And that was it.

It's all very nice and the French aren't the raving shithouses the tabloids would have you believe, they just have an unbelievably nice country and could do without English knobs like most of the cockney twats we saw invading and shouting at them every weekend.

"Oi, give us some fahkin' beer over 'ere you frog twaht...."

Go there. At least once. It's like Nottingham, but nice. If you know what I mean.

Magic Numbers

Rock band's fury at TV 'fat' quip!

Bunch of paranoid fatties.

Saturday, August 6

Speed Joking

This must be a topical joke record.....

Roger is really struggling to get any satisfying sex. Girlfriends come and go. He just goes and doesn't come. It's been like this since his college days and after a while it put him right off. He was almost a saint.

The urges picked again though a few months later and became unbearable, he saw doctors consultants, even prostitutes to no avail. Poor Roger's volcano was never going to erupt.

Drowning his sorrows in the pub after his latest failed attempt he bumps into an old man. They get talking and somehow or another it gets round to Rogers problem...

"I had the same problem lad, till I was shown the way."

The old man pulls out an ancient map and guides Roger to his destination.

"Find the village in the north west, go up the hill, over the rocky path and just before the summit you will find the little ginger cunt. I guarantee you, it is the best fuck you will ever have!!"

"Fantastic!" cries Roger.

"Thing is son, you only get one go then you have to wait another five years. I will see you again when the long wait is over."

Roger excitedly sets off to the destination the old man told him and he finds the steep hill. He wonders past the winding trees and just before the summit, just like the old man said, Roger finds the little ginger cunt. The best part of a day later Roger is exhausted but convinced he has had enough to last him five years and leaves for home.

Five years pass by and Roger goes back to the pub. The old man appeared just as he said and they get talking again.

"Thank you so much for telling me about the hill, it was beautiful - the best sex I ever had but for the past few months I've been aching for my next go."

"Well, I'm terribly sorry son, you not heard about Robin Cook? The little ginger cunt is dead!!"


Too soon? Terribly sorry but it's been on my mind all evening and I had to write it down.

RIP Robin Cook

Look at his face

its a picture!

Funny prank.

Mark Lawrenson

Pluck That Tash. Don't spare a "merment".

Last night at Footy

Saw, what I can describe as Eston Vs Stockton.

A number of regulars had dropped out, Pete was in Gay Paris (Hello Sailor), Mikey has been suffering all week with what can only be described as a minor sore throat, Disco had dropped some weights on his head (Weights? Yeah right, more like the bar that holds the weights)Robster was on holiday I think, Dirty Richard was well being Dirty Richard looking after Pete and Joe's pad whilst there away and Russell was working away I believe.

So that left Me, Chris, Stevie, Phil, Moss, Moss brother, Moss' Mate 1 and Moss Mate 2.

The Teams were Me, Chris, Stevie and Moss Mate 1 (Andy I think)(Eston) Vs Moss, Phil, Moss Bro and Moss's Mate 2 (Stockton)

Stockton got off to a good start rattling in 2 early goals before Andy got us back in the game, you could tell he had played before, very similar to Robster. Chris then evened the scores up with a tidy finish from an acute angle. The game ebbed and flowed until about 9-9.

Then Eston really upped the pace, a good 8 goals must have scored without reply and we were now cruising, I must have spent a good 15 mins in goal until Moss eventually scored with an awesome finish passed me into the top right hand corner.

Stevie Merks and Andy were running the show now and they kept feeding our Chris who scored a double hat trick. I stuck away 3 including a mazy run which started deep inside my own half. Incredible stuff.

In the end we ran out about 22-12 winners.

Ratings:

Stockton

Moss - scored a few good goals, always a threat, tired towards the end. 7
Moss Bro - Fast and skillful, lacked that cutting edge 6
Moss Mate - Very good in goal, should have stayed in. 6
Phil - Quiet this week, got an ear full off Moss, more to come. 6

Eston

Chris - Best game so far, scored 6, says it all. 8
Andy - Very quick and tricky on the ball, needs to look up more. 7
KG - Must try harder. 5
Stevie - Awesome in defence and attack, total team player. STAR MAN. 9

Thursday, August 4

Good footy site

Here's a site every football fan needs, it has links to all the other footy related sites out there, including direct links to all the newspapers football pages.

Check it out here.

Freestyle Soccer Vids

Us lads get some practise in for this coming Friday.

Tuesday, August 2

Now thats show boating

Cool little montage of footy skills, mainly Jay-Jay Okocha and Ronaldinho!

Nice!

Monday, August 1

Pride of Teesside

A cracking little poem and picture here summing up the place we live.

It makes ya feel proud!

Countdown to Blackpool

Yes thats right people as Mikey touched upon in his review of me BBQ, the lads are off to the Las Vegas of the North, Blackpool for an alcohol fuelled weekend on the 16th,17th and 18th September.

Well the hardcore amongst us (Me, Mikey, Phil, Moss and Patron) are going Friday to Sunday, with Pierre, Our Chris, Merky, Disco, Russ, Graham, Ste and Ste's mate who's name I can't remember, joining us on the Saturday morning.

Phil is sorting out the transport for us going down on the friday, preferably a large spacious and comfortable 7 seater people carrier will do.

Were stopping at the luxurious Seaside Hotel did you know they even have pillow cases in this hotel!

The bit in the description that I love is - All our prices include a full plate of English breakfast that would be the envy of many a larger hotel - Yummy!

I've organised the trip so any breakage will no doubt be charged to my credit card, so no jumping on spare beds eh Mikey?

Us lads going on the Friday will have to try and pace ourselves as I want to be able to hold down a pint on the Saturday once the rest of the lads arrive. Don't want a repeat of the second night in Nottingham where a was totally knackered!

Speaking of Nottingham, Mikey how about you arrange a Connect 4 championships for the lads on the way down! Say £1 a game - it could pay for ya weekend Mikey!

When we went to Blackpool for Disco Dale Miller and Tony Lanes Stag Do last May we stopped at the Wyvern Hotel, but when we enquired about stopping with them this time they said "We only cater for 2 nights in September due to the lights" what a load of shite, so I say we go and basically wreck there hotel!

The plan on the Sunday is a few of us are heading off to Wigan to see the mighty Boro in action, should be a cracking way to round off the weekend, hopefully with a win. Here's a guide to Wigans ground - its good that there is a large free car park outside the away entrance.

6 Weeks to go lads, should be a cracker!

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