Wednesday, June 29

Cillit Bang

Is it real or what?

Or is that advert just taking the piss?

Oh wait - here's it's website.

Big Brother Week Whatever

Kinga got booted out of the Secret Garden since Makosi didn't think there was enough food to go round the house as it was. It was all set up for Eugene to go - the producers must have been giving it "Here's the most annoying bloke in the world ever - she'll never pick him. We're quids in lads let's get some totty back in there!". You ballsed up there Big Mak.

Speaking of Makosi, her and Saskia's fight was well, ridiculous. I think I've just about mastered the Saskia spin wrist and point - you know what I'm on about. Maxwell meanwhile stood by and managed to laugh at all of Saskia's unimaginative insults - "Ya breath smells like dog shit!".

"Muhahahaha! Slag, muppet, fuck abahht!"

As a result of all this bickering over a massive 10 cans of manky cider, Saskia and Maxwell have landed themselves with the most nominations and potential eviction on Friday. Lucky them.

My tip is Saskia to get the boot.

New peeps Orla and Eugene need time. Orla preferably in bed with me and Eugene in the insane asylum.

Big Brother, fantastic television. Honest.

Derek to win.

The World according to Americans

Here be Dragons!

Boy the Bear's Age Gauge

Boy the Bear's (No, not KG) Age Gauge

Tuesday, June 28

Men Behaving Badly




Just been watching some of the classic episodes on BBC and UK Gold. Some of it is brilliant.

Think I shall electronically hand over 32 English Pounds and 99 English Pence to Play.com for every episode in this Box Set.

The Tranny


Here's a cracking pic of one of the Boro's famous landmarks.

Eston

Good old Eston (home to 66.66% of the Burnley Wallet) has gone and got itself a website.

It comes from the Eston Phoenix newsletter, that the Eston Resident Assocation (ERA)compile every month I think.

Shame its the worlds worst website!

Eston online

Whiteley

Monday, June 27

Richard 'Twice Nightly' Whiteley Passes Away



The 23 year veteran of Countdown passed away last night aged 61 following heart surgery complications and a bout of pnuemonia.

Mind you if he'd got pnuemonia every episode he'd have been the champion by now.

Just Another Saturday

A quick recap of Saturday. It was a good night but a bit run of the mill so I'm saving a "In the Style Of" for the next biggy.

There was me, Phil and Pattren out on the lash this time and here's a quick summary of events.

Firstly we cracked round the Southfield Triangle (TM) - Dickens Inn, Star and Garter, The Southfield and The House.

We then jumped in a Joe Baxi to meet up with KG and Pierre in Yates. They had just got back from their cracking day at the cricket.

We then tired Trader Jacks but it was beyond packed so went to Oz Bar. Got a picture of the much wanted Croc. Had a couple in there and then went to Flares. After that I'm not sure. Bit fuzzy. I remember eventually going to Jumpin Jacks and it being closed which is a nightmare cos it's a fare old trek. Anyways, the dude on the door says nto to worry since the owners of Jumping Jacks have bought Lava/Ignite. He gave us a VIP pass and a free drink and we were then loaded onto a free minibus and carted round to Lava.

It's not bad for free but I wouldn't pay to get in. It took years to get served - Phil, pictured here, having a mare!

So after about an hour in here we went to Chicago Rock Cafe which was even worse than Lava.

And that was about it.

Here's a photo of my taxi driver. Proper lardhead.

Fore!

The BW boys plus 'Disco' Dale Miller 'Light' fancied a bit of sport in the glorious Middlesbrough sunsheeinnne tonight so we headed for a bit of golfing action over at Prissick Base's challenging Pitch and Putt course.

Here are some decidedly bad photos of us in action.

KG was the overall winner but it was pretty close all round.

Good game lads!

Sunday, June 26

Sporting Legends

























Last week we saw Golf and Tennis and the results are in.

Taking first prize in Golf is Jack Nicklaus. Tiger Woods came in second and Arnold Palmer in third.

















Winning the legendary status in Tennis was Martina Navratilova. In second place was Bjorn Borg and Pete Sampras came in third.

So this week we see Motor Racing and Horse Racing.

Motor Racing

Ayrton Senna
John Surtees
Michael Schumacher
Stirling Moss
Mick Doohan
Nigel Mansell

Very good text that came in was that Murray Walker should be in saying "F1 was nothing without him".

Also - no Fangio. Bit of a surprise. He got a lot of support from the texters.

My vote goes for Senna.

Horse Racing

Lester Piggott
Vincent O'Brien
John Francome
Tony McCoy
Fred Archer
Sir Gordon Richards

Queen Mother got a mention and John McCririck talked bollocks as per usual.

My pick? Piggott.

Shame this series clashes with Top Gear but thankfully it's repeated almost nonstop on various "UK" channels so not to worry.

Chi Chi

Click here to see Chi Chi. You've probably gone "Awwww!" by now if you're a girl or Christian Nathan Paylor.

Very soon Chi Chi will become the subject/victim of some experiments and hopefully with the wonders of modern technology we can get some of it on camera and then on here.

Including: Chi Chi gets hit by a golf club, Chi Chi gets run over, Chi Chi gets mauled by Zack the dog and Chi Chi falls from a great height.

Got an idea for Chi Chi? Please leave suggestions in the comments.

HOWZAT!!!!!!!

Me and Pete had ourselves a little trip to Old Trafford, Manchester to watch the cricket yesterday and this is what happened.

The day started with a School boy error from KG, Mikey had arranged to pick us up at 6.45am, to catch the 7.20 train. But KG being KG and being a lazy cunt on a Saturday morning forgot to set my alarm properly. Mikey woke us up at 6.44am.

"Keith, were are ya?"

"Shit, yav just woke us up"

"Hurry up chief am outside"

"giz 2 mins"

So I gets ready in record time and jumps in Mikey's car to go and get Pete.

Anyway after Mikey clocks 90 on the freeway and his car is gasping for a breather he gets us to the station for 7.10am. Plenty of time we thought to get our tickets plus some grub and papers. But no the train was early! Nightmare start to the day.

We gets on the train and finds a couple of seats with a table, which gave us extra room for our frames!

The train stopped at York station and there was this good looking lass stood at the platform waiting for a train. But she kept rubbing and touching her groin area much to the delight of us two. After she stopped "fondling" herself she must have checked the time on 16 separate occasions within the space of 90 seconds! Funny as!

When we left York I was feeling a bit peckish so I pulls out this French baguette I prepared the night before, now our wires must have been crossed as Pete thought I had made him one, but unfortunately for him I never. Sorry Chief!

So we arrived in Manchester and jumped on a tram and headed for Old Trafford, not before I had to pay 20p to use the toilet in Manchester train station. Robbing gets!

Once in the stadium we found 2 cracking seats and stuck up our flag and settled down to watch the cricket.

Here's the link again for some cracking pics of the day

The bar opened at 11am and we tucked in to a good 7 pints through out the cricket, which by the way Australia battered the poor Desh.

Check out the BBC's review here.

We decided to leave the cricket before the end and to beat the mad rush back to the train station.

We checked the times for the train back to Middlesbrough and were informed we needed to catch the 16.11pm, as it was only about 3.20pm we decided as ya do to go and have a pint, put a chunk in the bandit and rack up a game of pool.

Yates pub which is located in the station was the pub we went to and in here there was a telly which had a timetable on so we knew what was what. It got to about 15 mins before the train was about to leave when it appeared on the screen that our train had been CANCELLED!

"What the Fuck" was our response, so I rings up rail track and some Indian said there was a problem with the track at Boro.

"Nice one chief, whens the next one?"

"Err...wait one second whilst I put you on hold......17.05"

"Cheers, tra"

As we had another hour to kill we ventured out to "The Brunswick" and knocked another 2 drinks into us.

Again it got to about 15 mins before the train was about to leave and we left the pub and headed back to the station to check the huge notice board to see what platform we needed to be on.

"Here we are Chief, platform 13"

"yep, down here"

So we headed to platform 13, not before stopping off at the Cookie stall for some gorgeous Cookies,

I perked up with a cheeky

"Chuck us another one in there chief"

Fair play to him he threw in a broken one. Result!

Anyhow we arrives at Platform 13 and jumps on the train, the cleaners were on there,

"Excuse me sir this train has terminated"

"joking arnt ya its supposed to be going to Boro"

"not this train I'm afraid"

Fuck sake where at the wrong platform, a tannoy annoucement came across the PA

"The 17.11 train to Middlesbrough is now departing platform 3"

Nightmare we went to the wrong platform, oh well back to the boozer and we'll have to catch the 18:04 train.

So after all the excitement of missing trains and getting trains cancelled we finally made it to a train.

The journey home dragged like fuck and I was asleep knocking some quality Zeds into me before Pete decided he was bored on his own and woke us up. To make the journey home even worse a bunch of tanked up Geordies boarded the train at York, they were loud, boisterous, repetitive and annoying. Now the journey home goes through quite a number of fields which homes cows, to which one of the Geordies would shout

"Here Kenny seen the tits on that cow!!"

This joke was repeated about 37 times.

Anyway we finally arrived back home in Sunny Middlesbrough at 8.30 and we arranged to meet Mikey, Phil and Patron for a drink in Yates.

Me and Peter had been invited to Gary (Clairsey Merks brother) 30th Birthday BBQ over in Parkend. So me and Pete left Yates after about half an hour and went to the BBQ.

I didn't really know many people and I don't think pierre did either, but Stevie and Claire were there and there always a good laugh.

Poor Joe who had been having Vodka Red Bull drinking competitions with Merky was fucking hammered, and I mean hammered to the point where she couldn't stand up. So Peter arranged for a taxi to come and take them home. Apparently the taxi had to stop 3 times on the way home for Joe to spew her guts up! Classic!

I shared a taxi home with Mr and Mrs Merkin at about 11.30pm, it had been a long day and after more than 12 hours on the piss enough was enough.

A superb day out. If I've missed anything out am sure Pete will fill in the gaps!

Spot the Lardhead

Like a huge cricket based version of where's wally, see if you can spot me and KG on this photo from Flickr.

Your West Indian Cricket Name

Just take the surname of the US president when you were born, and then add the last seaside resort you went to.

EG, I would be Carter Saltburn.

Mint eh?

Quick Pub Review

The Brunswick in Manchester, near the Piccadilly station:

"Ooh, is that the ugly one out of Girls Aloud over there?"

"Could be chief"

"Don't remember her having a sprog like."

"Not her then is it chief."

"Spose not."

7.3/10.

Hey chiefs......

Look.......it's us at the Bangla v Oz cricket match!

Spider Vs Mouse

This is what wildlife programmes should be like.

Friday, June 24

Big Brother New Peeps

First we have Minga. Sorry Kinga.

A blubberous whale of a human being obsessed with her tits. She'd still get it mind. First words in the house: "Bloody hell, my minge!" We have a winner!!

Next up it's Eugene who describes himself as quite good looking. I can assure him he's not. One strange lad. Jesus wept. And so will Eugene if I ever meet him.

First words in the house: "Hello! Hello how ya doing?!?! AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"

Followed by Minga getting her tits out. Genius.

Meooow. Orlaith. Shit name, cracking bod. Seems a bit slow on the uptake. How I'd like to be that fig leaf. First words: "I'm shaking, I'm Orlaith!"

Apparently, that's what Shaking Stevens said trying to get his first record deal.

Ah Big Brother how we love the accurate representation of the general British public.

Come on Maxwell - stop fucking ahbaahhht and get BB won!!

Baby Beautiful

Absolutely genius this.

The Magic Numbers

One of the most highly rated new bands. You may have heard their catchy jangler (TM) on Radio 1 lately.

However what I like about them is that they obviously fucking luuurrrvvee parmos as much as we do.

See?

Especially the bird at the front. She looks like fucking Meatloaf!

PS if we ever form a BW band we have to call them 'Fucking Meatloaf'.

Wacko Jacko Trial Memorabilia on eBay.....

Lingy and a Wind Up

To celebrate the first of many birthdays at the Wallet us three Walleteers and Wallet wife, Joanne went to the Lingfield Farm for a few drinkies.

Here's Keith.

Here's Pete.

Anyhow, before we went I was nearly had by a truly classic KG wind-up.

Text off KG: "Just looking through the owld cupboard there and noticed the Hawaii Shirt I bought for Dale's stag do - fancy wearing them tonight?"

I replies: "Is this some kind of wind up?"

KG: "I swear down be funny as - get some pics for the Wallet."

Me: "Hang on then I'll stick it on and see what it's like."

I have to say it is a truly awful shirt but beyond comfrotable.

Me: "Nah am just gonna wear summat normal."

He rings us up.

"Away chief man, even our Ma is ironing it now, ya have to wear it."

KG's Ma, Mrs Groves, chimes in: "Michael!! You can't let him wear it on his own."

So we went back and forth for a bit and I made the decision to not wear it.

10 minutes later when the lardhead picked me up minus Hawaii shirt....

"Where's ya...?"

"That would have been one genius wind up!!"

I'll get ya back KG, you have been warned.

Chiefs on Tour

Bangladesh style!

Careful Now

Dr. J.H. Rabailkal - Hypnotise yourself.

Crazy Frog Remix

Test your rythm method.

Thursday, June 23

Fixtures

Nice easy start for Boro then!

Wednesday, June 22

BEER

The Anthem for Burnley Wallet.

Tuesday, June 21

Sale of the Century

Sold me Guitar and Amp for £130, not bad considering it's 2 year old, it's broke, needs re-stringing and only cost me £170. It's a bit too hard you see, to learn how to play when you are as uncoordinated as me. The most I got out of it was the intro of Smoke on the Water. Very difficult!

Chiefs and Chiefettes, what is the crack?

KG has been consistently hounded by as he put's it: Head the Ball.

Head the Ball is set to become the phrase of the year - a term to describe those not too sharp in the brain department i.e. KG's conquest from Thursday.

And, when delivered with such viciousness as KG....

"That stupid fucking Head the Ball won't stop texting me!!"

...it starts catching on.

The Birthday is over and, well, nobody loves us except Glen McNamee - top chief. Where was Joey and Madaling? And Nathan Paylor.

Coming up for us Walleteers....

26th June - KG and Pierre are going to beef up the Bangladesh crowd at the Australia Bangladesh cricket match. Come on the Desh!!

2nd July - the Merkins will be dishing up the gherkins on our burgers and hot dogs for the first and hopefully not last ever BBQ at their house.

8th July - I will be going to Darlington and indeed The Purple Zebra, its one and only lapdancing bar to celebrate Richard leaving my place of work. Believe me, it needs celebrating.

9th July - Lewis Groves, KG's nephew and Godson to be is getting christened and there will be an almighty piss up starting at High Noon in the Eston Tute. £1.39 for a pint of Coors or summat like that.

What else?

That's more than enough for now but I can imagine we'll be back up the town very soon with tons more photos of our action and regular use of "Head the Ball".

Cracking few weeks ahead chiefs!!

Big Brother

The nominations are in:

This weeks chumps are professional Chris Eubank impersonator Derek, and scouse Italian food lover Roberto.

Who goes?

Someone else usually decides.

Monday, June 20

Happy Birthday

1 year over and what a truly successful one it has been for the Burnley Wallet.

"We've been up, we've been down and we've been drinking round the town."

That sums up the year for me.

Here's to another glorious twelve months of brilliance, exhilaration and imagination from us and you. Mainly us.

Cheers chiefs!

This Thursday I believe will see the three of us getting obliterated somewhere and making sure we celebrate this momentous occasion in true Wallet fashion.

Click here for a bit of a song.

Pizza Calls

Some of these are mint.

Ooh look................

......IT'S ONLY THE BW BIRTHDAY!

That's right chiefs we're one year old today!

There'll be a big proper birthday blog later on today.

Possibly.

Sunday, June 19

Sporting Legends



Mohammed Ali came out on top of the Boxing 10 with 75.5% of the vote going his way.

In second place was Sugar Ray Leonard and in third came Joe Louis.

This week saw Sir David Frost and Des Lynam talking us through the legends of Tennis and Golf. The contenders were: -

Tennis

Pete Sampras
Steffi Graf
Andre Agassi
Rod Laver
Bjorn Borg
Martina Navratilova

Golf

Walter Hagen
Bobby Jones
Jack Nicklaus
Ben Hogan
Arnold Palmer
Tiger Woods

My pick for Tennis is "Big Lezza" Martina Navratilova.

For Golf "Golden Bear(No, not KG)" Jack Nicklaus.

Saturday, June 18

Punch a Celeb.com

I could spend hours on here.

Friday, June 17

Big Bro Week 3

Another cracking week in the Big Brother house. Roberto and Del Boy were found out to be a pair of cheats and gay hairdresser Craig got in the mix as well.

The news is in and Sam has been evicted ahead of Derek the poetry quoting Tory and Italian tosser Roberto. She has had a surprisingly hard time of it from the crowd considering she had a wank when she was in her box. It beats watching Roberto come on to Kemal.

In other news, Science is being a total arse and Maxwell is stealing the show with his cheeky cockney patter.

Davina also delivered the best line of the series with...

"Sam came onto Anthony, Sam came onto Makosi and Sam came onto herself."

Hungry Hungry Hippos

Play now.

Bloody Day

Nice little stress reliever.

Thursday Night Out?

What's going on?

So KG rings us up at 6pm.

"Hean, Ahdal just rang us there, he's up town. Fancy going out?"

"On a school night? Joking aren't ya?"

"Well I'm going so seeya laters"

Five minutes later.

"Chief...it's the Beanmeister General."

"What d'ya want?"

"Am out!"

30 mins later and all ready to go I met KG at his house and his ma kindly took us out for one of the most impromptu nights in the history of the Wallet.

Ladbrokes

Paul Ahdal, BW friend and workmate of KG was going bonkers, loopy, barmey in the bookies and had already lost £100 and won it back and had just backed about 80 different horses in as many variations of bets you have ever heard of. It was like talking a foreign language at times.

Lloyds

Went in here and it was dead, oh wait it was Thursday. Got the Stella in and Ahdal gave us a 40 minute lecture on betting with some of the best slang terms you've ever heard. Bit of fruity action - but of course. KG and Ahdal know this "Jumping Jack Cash" machine like the back of their hands.

Yates

Went in here and got a Genuine Miller. I can safely say I won't be buying one again. It was rank.

After about ten minutes Ahdal was back off to Ladbrokes backing a three legged wonder, "Rudi's Pet".

Not one to turn down the chance to bet the three of us returned.

Ladbrokes
I won £20 on the Roulette. Get in.
We all backed Rudi's Pet, or so I thought and he came in second. Bastard. Ahdal though only went and backed the winner. He won about £80 altogether.
Not sure how much he lost but he could have shared his tips out!
Tell you what you can't beat evening gambling - top fun.

Yates

Went back in here and was bought a Bacardi Breezer. Those things will take the enamel off your teeth. Talk about sugary.

Here's KG drinking his Corona.

Downed that and we had a couple more in here and then moved on to...

Hogshead

More fruity action in here. I grabbed a Blue WKD. Didn't stay in here too long.

Trader Jacks

Went in here and they had one of those bucking broncos in. If this had been a Saturday I can guarantee that KG would have been on before the drinks were bought!

As it was they stuck to the fruity and won fuck all.

Oz Bar

Absolute stunning bird in here. I tried for a photo but it was a tough shot. Some good tunage in here but it was quiet just like everywhere else.

Walked down Albert Rd and went in...

Flares

It weren't much good in here, some decent women and tunes but still dead.

Spenseley's

Lots of deliberation over the next pub but we went in here. Most full bar we went in. It wasn't at all bad. Couple of tasty birds we're giving the eye. Full of seriously young 'uns all from college I imagine. KG showed off his hardcore mobile videos (only for the brave) to Ahdal and got the reaction he was looking for: disgust.

So now where? Got shoved a leaflet under our noses for £1 Vodka Red Bulls in Aruba. Why not eh?

Aruba

Talk about stingy. there was a single shot and about three table spoons of Red Bull. Still went down a treat.

We then walked all over looking for somewhere to go...

Chicago: empty

Lava: closed!

JJ's: No.

Walkabout

Settled on Oz Bar. Great shot. Went upstairs and were treated to a whole tray of free champagne. Awesome. We were chucking it down cos the place was empty. Got talking to the barmaid and we were exchanging some of the worse jokes ever heard. Ahdal should be banned from telling jokes.

I got talked into buying a bottle of champers for £13, don't ask me what happened there. But I really could get into drinking it cos you don't half feel cool as walking round with a bottle in your hand.

Went back downstairs and had a singalong to some quality tunes. KG starts dancing with what can only be deascribed as a horror and starts getting stuck in.

It got to about 1.30am and KG dissapeared.

I then pissed off and got a taxi with Ahdals twin.

£7.40, the robbing bastards.

All the Photos.

A very addictive game.

Build the blocks!

This is Classic

Glad I don't work for BT.

Click over there. Here!

Wednesday, June 15

Kajagoogoo

No. 1 on my Birthday was this.

That's not good.

Shaabba!!

What was Number 1 in the charts the day you were born?

If your older than 55, there's no point clicking on the link as there were no charts when you were born!

Check it out.

Mine was 'Bonnie Tyler's' classic hit, 'Total Eclipse of my Heart'

In the name of the father......

Our Chris and Alex asked me some time ago to be one of the God Parents to the littlest Chief I know, Lewis.

Not knowing what I was getting myself, I obviously agreed.

Tonight was the first "Baptism Class" over at St Andrews Church, were parents and Godparents were given a very lengthy talk, video and question and answers all about Baptism. (wish that Bible Bashing Weirdo Nathan Paylor was with us, we'd have got all the answers right)

There was a good 20 people in all, and some familiar faces from St Peters senior School, including Mark Judge, Lynsey Muldoon, a fat minger who's name a can't remember from South Bank and a lass who went to School with our Kathryn.

Thankfully Godparents only had to attend the first class, but our Chris and Alex have to go through it all again for the next 4 weeks.

Anyway the Christening is on 9th July, should be a cracking piss up!

Amen.

Guestbook Dudes

Thanks for using our Guestbook for some free advertising. No, really, thanks.

Here's what I've been up to over the last few days with my Guestbook Dudes...

I met Stephanie at the Dali Casino on Monday. "No guts, No glory" she said. Well I had plenty of guts and found some glory. I won 17 Indian Rupee!

So I thought, why not talk to that gadge 'Near PC' and I will remortgage my house. Well that's done problem free (or so I thought) so I celebrated with a fellow Mike and bought some Phentermine. Mmmmm, Phentermine.

Got in, and 'In toilet' rings me about my house - says I haven't filled out the form properly. Funny, seems you haven't either.

But, you can't keep me out of those casinos though and the lovely Andrea invited me round for a game, sadly not with her and not without some more Phentermine tablets. I lost 23 Indian Rupee. The bitch.

Well there you have it. Life on the Guestbook is like a little Soap Opera.

Having read into Phentermine - what are you cheeky fuckers trying to say eh? That we need diet pills?

Well yeah, fair point.

Talk Talk

Seen Big Brother? You'll know what these are all about then.

Not sure about him nicking my chat up line at the very end though.

Tuesday, June 14

Yarm Update

Took these on Friday night when it got a bit boring.

20/20 Cricket

Got pissed in front of the best cricket match ever yesterday.

If you didn't see it you aren't a true Englishman.

KG.

Here's some Photos!

These were taken throughout Saturday.

The trolley incident. I'll let KG talk us through it.

North East Masters

On Sunday 12th June, me, KG and the Chris Groves went to Geordie-land to see if the Boro could be triumphant in the North East Masters 6 a side thingy.

After a slightly precarious journey from Coulby to Eston it was decided to ditch the 220,00 mile Renault and use the wife's nice shiny new Skoda. Not much petrol in it mind, so remember to remind me to put some in later, eh?

We arrived after a short detour through Bensham (the Geordie Ghetto) and were conned out of 3 bar for parking. So dumped the car in the Gold members bit near the doors and saw the BIGGEST QUEUE IN THE WORLD.

However, these were ignorant Geordies and Mackems, who had come without tickets. We were prepared so straight in........only to be ripped off left right and centre. 9 quid for 3 pints. 9 quid for 3 chicken burgers. 5 quid for a program.

Anyhow, we took some nice seats about halfway up behind one of the goals.



The Leeds side were revealed to be some bench warmers from the mid eighties second division side, so Boro (with Windass, Higgy, Rippers etc) looked to be pick of the bunch.



And so it proved, with Boro spanking the Geordies 4-2 in the final to lift the trophy and send the boys on to the Final tournament in Manchester.







So back to the car and fuck off before everyone else gets out. But no. The car decided it was going to run out of petrol! I told you to remind me! So, I pulled in and switched the engine off. Tried it more in hope then skill, and it fired, so fucked off down the road ASAP to the BP garage. 10 quid in and off we went.

Only to be met by the worlds biggest pile up on the A1. But then we got home alright.

A mint day out highly recommended, may only be beaten by the cricket in a fortnight.

Come on the 'Desh!

Monday, June 13

Verdict?



Not Guilty.

Stunning Television.

Works Night out in Yarm

I'm not going to waste a "In the Style of" on this works night out, in fact I'm not even going to go into much detail.

Started off in the Blue Bell and got tanked up in here on 5 pints of Fosters and one Guinness. Nice weather as well, Christ knows where's it gone.

Moved onto the George and Dragon, then the Union Arms and then the Black Bull after that. It weren't much more than talking and moaning about work.

Finished off in The Keys, £7 in and £3 a drink. Ridiculously hot in here - I think they had the radiators on to get the tills full.

Best bit of the night was dancing in The Keys with Marie and Clare and this lad joins in and he starts playing Air Guitar. This song comes on with a major solo and he honestly fell to his knees and gives it his best Angus Young around the dancefloor. Bonafide lardhead.

£40 home via Billingham and Eston to get to Guisborough.

Not good!

Premature Celebration

Stupid Bastard.

Sunday, June 12

Sporting Legends



Pele has won the public vote for last weeks Footballing Sporting Legends and will be in the final. He got over 50% of the vote, Maradona was second and Moore was third.

Onto the boxers now and I think there is going to be a clear winner from these 10: -

Sugar Ray Robinson
Marvin Hagler
Carlos Monzon
Sugar Ray Leonard
Oscar De La Hoya
Roberto Duran
Henry Armstrong
Archie Moore
Joe Louis
Mohammed Ali

Ali to get at least 90% of the vote I reckon.

Just Keep Clicking

Totally bonkers. Just click on stuff and get taken to more stuff.

Football - Transfer Centre

Can't keep up with the transfer merry go round?

This is a handy page.

Thursday, June 9

Think you know ya Counties?

Well try this game and see how you do.

Counting Counties!

May the Farm be with you.

This is very very clever.

Takes a while to load but its well worth it.

Store Wars

Chuck it in the bin.

Well go on then.

Big Bro Week 2

They are all up for eviction. Who goes? We decide! (Allegedly).

Here's my favourites for this week.

1. Maxwell
2. Saskia
3. Science
4. Makosi
5. Anthony
6. Kemal
7. Derek
8. Craig
9. Roberto
10. Sam
11. Lesley
12. Vanessa

I think Vanessa is going to get the chop for being pretty much non-existant and getting every one up for nomination with her big mouth. Stupid arsed bint.

To vote Vanessa, and I really think you should...

text VANESSA to 64404
(35p plus your STD network rate)
call 09016 16 16 13
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Come on Maxwell, free the Big Brother 2!

Land Glazer safely (or not)

Bit of a shitty game, and probs not worth linking on the Wallet.

But here goes anyway.

Wednesday, June 8

Ryan Giggs

So for all those people who say "I wish Giggsy had picked England as a lad, he'd have solved the left sided problem."

Well the problem is he's a bonafide Welshman.

Parents Magazine Cover

Very amusing.

Monday, June 6

Can't wait to see this UPDATE!

Read in the paper today that it was a draw.

Rhino you big pussy. You've let us all down.

Same Old Scousers

Saturday in the Style of: Murray Walker



Good evening and welcome to the Middlesbrough Grand Prix, Round 14 of the World Championships.

5 elite drivers from around the world will be racing around the challenging pubs of this racetrack and the winner will be the last man standing!!

The drivers have arrived at the starting grid at the Dickens Inn.

The Groves team, Christopher and Keith and rival Michael Heaney arrived at about 6.30 after being chauffered here from their respective hotels.

This promises to be a thrilling race as we wait for our other two contenders, Phil and Dan.

And I interrupt myself to bring you this, Phil and Dan have arrived there are literally minutes before we get underway. James can you tell us a bit more about the fuel theyare consuming this evening.

Yes Murray, all five of the competitiors are starting on Coors Lager, this gives them a real good kick going into the first few pubs and its large volume ensures plenty of energy is left at the end of the race.

Thanks, James, okay then red light, red light, red, red, red.....

GGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Middlesbrough 2005 is underway, great start for Heaney and Keith!! Chris is battling for second place. The three leaders are on two pints each!! Phil and Dan trail on one pint a piece following a slow start......

Murray they really are burning through that Coors and are approaching the second pub...

All five are neck and neck as we get to the Star and Garter, another gentle pub in this lenghty track. Wait a minute!!!

Murray they have all stuck with lager all but Phil who has turned Blue WKD - a tactical change there Murray, he's gone onto less volume but just as much strength.

SENSATIONAL!!!!

The Groves team have been diverted onto a fruit machine and so have Phil and Dan.

It's Heaney!!! He's in for a piss stop and wait....yes that's former schoolmate Ste Graham, how will this affect Heaney in the long term?

It was quick Murray, he's back and the race is back underway!!

Now then, they have all flew through the Star and Garter and now they go up the steep inclince to the Southfield.

The sun is shining down on this particular area of the track and I think the pit crew have been touch with the other drivers. All except Dan have switched to bottles!! He's staying with pints.

Murray, I don't know if you can see but there apppears to be a crow on the track!!!

In all my years as comentator I have never seen anything quite like this, the yellow cards and shirts are out (that'll be the student cunts!!) and James is dead right - there is a crow perched on one of the safety barriers. He simply has no regard for his own safety.

The flags are down and they are back underway!!!

A sharp left and they are into the House, the furthest pub away from the finishing line.

Murray this is a tactical changing point in the night, this is when the drivers start to lose there way a bit and start to feel the strain of the fuel.

Yes, James, why is that?

Well Murray, simply put the fuel is very cheap in here, and consumption levels go through the roof!

Ohhhhh, this is incredible racing, stories are flowing between the drivers and this is really neck and neck stuff. Dan is still sticking with lager and I really think he might pay for that later!!

These drivers are shedding buckets of adrenalin in that pub!!

Murray, now comes the all important taxi to Lloyds, depending on who gets in with who it can make all the difference in how drunk they feel. The Groves in typical style have teamed up together and Heaney has to team up with Phil and Dan.

Great tactical move from the Groves, they are off and have left the other three standing.

Anything can happen in F1 Drinking and it usually does!

WAIT!! There's something going on in the car, it's Heaney - he's full of himself and the taxi driver is speeding up! HANG ON! Keith is hanging out of the window and giving the V-sign back, he's lost it!!!

Brilliant from Heaney, he used all his experience there and they have overtaken the Groves team. Fantastic use of the words "Sanjay Schumacher"!!

Now they approach Lloyds, with half of the race gone there is still half of it left.

And!!! And !!! And!!!

They're upstairs and Heaney is being forced into dancing with a 40 year tart, this could ruin his chances of survival.

Murray, I've noticed that some of the drivers have switched to Vodka and Red Bull, this will truly give them the energy to last the pace.

Absolutely right James!

We're hearing that Dan is still on pints - very strange tactics from the Ben Sherman team.

The lout factor has tripled in the past twenty minutes and twenty minutes in F1 Drinking is light years!!

Now comes a tester, it's Yates next, home to such dangers as Hen Nights and Test Tubes.

Oh this is amazing, both hazards have come into play here..HANG ON..it's Groves.....he's been attacked by a hen night!! And now, look, they're all joining in!

The test tubes have arrived!!! Heaney has gone and bought one and now Phil. Heaney seems more interested in the lady selling them than than what's in there.

That could be poison for all he knows!!!

Speaking of poison Murray, both Keith and Heaney have switched to Double Whiskeys - we all saw what happened in last weeks race!!

Indeed James, a near tragedy but, now......

And wait, yeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssss - all five are singing at the top of their voices - this is a definite change in the race - all five are heavily under the influence, confidence is high, inhibitions are lost and they are flying!!!!!

It's...all five are singing at the top of their voices - this is a definite change in the race - all five are heavily under the influence, confidence is high, inhibitions are lost and they are flying!!!!!

Um,.......that's a replay Murray.

They now zoom along to Trader Jacks, the pace quickens, up the gears and down the hatch and all five are dancing like they don't care and having the time of their lives out there.

Just a second - it's the Hen night!!! They have reappeared from nowhere, this spells trouble for Keith and Heaney who are getting well stuck in!!

They quickly go through Walkabout and then avoid the chicane of Flares and Aruba and now onto Vienna.

IT's Chris....he's almost had a crash, a car has nearly run into him. The police are talking to him! Is his race over? NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Wait, we are getting technical difficulties in here, I can't quite see what's going on in here - James?

No, I think the vision is coming back now, they are dancing down by the front and bumping into old mates all over the place....

Now the finale!! The race heats and the real action is about to begin, unless this is the action, which it is!

Chicago Rock - Heaney is straight in there and is he out of the race - he's just rammed his tongue down Granny grunt's niece's throat!! INCREDIBLE!!

There's no stopping Phil though he wants to test the new corner at full speed.

Yes Murray, it's the Lava/Ignite nighclub that has only just been installed a few weeks ago replacing the redundant Time.

WAIT!! AND???

The Ben Sherman team is not allowed in there!! they have all been turned away and now they head for home!!

No!!!

It's Dan in the ben Sherman he's blown up and spew is flying all over the track. James?

Too much lager Murray, far too much, I don't know what happened!!!? What were they thinking?

He's carrying on but his race must surely be over, they've now hit a straight and are on the way to Jumping Jacks!!!!!

But Heaney...he's taken a wrong turning and gone straight into Subway. What is he doing!!!???

Murray it looks like he's talking utter rubbish in there!

And wait he's been brought back into the race by Phil using the mobile communications! And he speeds along the straight towards the finish line!! Look at him go!!!

He's in and the last pub is underway he's straight in there and he's right up tight behind her pushing hard!!!

The drivers now, tired, sobering up, thinking of tomorrow slowly fade away, Dan is a goner!! DAN IS OUT!!! Phil has had to take him out and that is the end of his race!

Wait now, the Groves have collided and they are out of there and....yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssss......

Heaney wins!! Heaney takes home the race in Middlesbrough!

A fantastic race, so much action and an amazing comeback from Heaney - this was true F1 Drinking. I am going to have to stop because I have a lump in my throat!

Gordon Strachen Quotes

Some of these are classic

Gordon Strachan on Wayne Rooney: "It's an incredible rise to
stardom, at 17 you're more likely to get a call from Michael Jackson than Sven Goran Eriksson!"

Reporter: Gordon, Do you think James Beattie deserves to be in theEngland squad?
Strachan: I don't care, I'm Scottish!

Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"
Strachan: "Velocity" [walks off!!!]

Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you arethe right man to turn things around?
Strachan: No. I was asked if I thought I was the right man for the job and I said, "No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm useless."

Reporter: Is that your best start to a season?
Strachan: Well I've still got a job so it's far better than the Coventry one, that's for sure.

Reporter: Are you getting where you want to be with this team?
Strachan: We're not doing bad. What do you expect us to be like? We were eighth in the league last year, in the cup final and we got into Europe. I don't know where you expect me to get to. Do you expect us to win the Champions League?

Reporter: Gordon, you must be delighted with that result?
Strachan: You're spot on! You can read me like a book.

Strachan: I've got more important things to think about. I've got a yogurt to finish by today, the expiry date is today. That can be my priority rather than Agustin Delgado.

Reporter: This might sound like a daft question, but you'll be happy to get your first win under your belt, won't you?
Strachan: You're right. It is a daft question. I'm not even going to bother answering that one. It is a daft question, you're spot on there.

Reporter: Bang, there goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?
Strachan: No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump off a bridge. Umm, I think I can take it, yeah.

Reporter: So Gordon, any changes then?
Strachan: Naw, still 5ft 6, ginger hair, and a big nose!

Reporter: There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here?
Strachan: Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here. I'm going to whack you over the head with a big stick, down negative man, down.

Reporter: Where will Marion Pahars fit into the team line-up?
Strachan: Not telling you! It's a secret.

Reporter: You don't take losing lightly, do you Gordon?
Strachan: I don't take stupid comments lightly either.

Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today?
Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there...

World of Warcraft

Some people take this stuff really serious - not LEEEROOOOYY!!!

Funniest thing I've seen in ages.

Sunday, June 5

Modern Day List

KG said we should each do a top 10 modern day (last 15 years?) footballers for the Wallet so here's mine: -

1. Eric Cantona
2. Rivaldo
3. Romario
4. Gabriel Batistuta
5. Ronaldo
6. Zinedine Zidane
7. Peter Schmeichel
8. Dennis Bergkamp
9. Alan Shearer
10. Roy Keane

Tell you what, that's difficult that. I've probably missed some obvious choices as well. Here's FIFA's list of legends.

Greatest Sporting Legend

This is Sky One's new programme. Des Lynam and "Sir" David Frost are presenting 10 legends from various sports over the next eight weeks and letting the public vote for the best and then an overall winner is decided on 24 July.

This week was Football and the top 10 were: -

1. Bobby Charlton
2. Diego Maradona
3. Michel Platini
4. John Charles
5. Bobby Moore
6. Ferenc Puskas
7. Franz Beckenbauer
8. Johan Cruyff
9. Zinedine Zidane
10. Pele

There was no George Best which was surprising, but those 10 are hard to top and to pick from. My pick is Maradona.

Next week boxing: Naseem Hamed to win.

Big Mac Advert

"You got a name lak a massif raincoat!!"

What in God's name is he going on about?

My life........

Will shortly be complete.

As this is on it's way as of tomorrow.

Well, I say complete, but I need The Cannonball Run 2 special edition yet.

Check out........

This lardhead who lived for a week on nowt but Guinness.

KG once lived for 2 months on nowt but Parmos and Stella, and he didn't go shouting the odds about it.

Cricket warm up

A little game to get us in the mood for the Cricket.

Howzart!

The BW's up and coming events

The rest of June promises to be a busy one.

Starting next Sunday Me, Pete and our Chris are going to Newcaslte to watch the "Masters" 6-a side football competition.

Boro, who won the competition last year are up against Newcaslte, Sunderland and Leeds. Boro players who should take part are Bernie "Living Legend" Slaven, Curtis Fleming, Dean Windass and John Hendrie.

Peters driving us up there, and it should be a cracking day out.

Come on Boro

Then on the 25th June again me and Pete are off to Old Trafford (no not to see the Manchester Buccaneers) but to watch some cricket, Australia Vs Bangladesh, I ordered me Bangladesh Flag today (£7.99 for a 5ft X 3ft) al be popping down Jack Hatfield's to get Chiefs on Tour printed on it somewhere.

The match is live on SKY so hopefully our flag will get an airing if we can get it hung up somewhere.

Were getting the train down at 7.20am, and we need a lift to Middlesbrough train station, any takers??

This day should also be a cracker lets hope we don't miss the last train home eh?

Saturday, June 4

Mary Evicted

Mary has bitten the broom stick and become the first evictee of the Big Brother House. She was no. 11 on my list. Bottom of the pile was Craig who escaped it but he'd better be going next week after that truly horrible Britney Spears episode.

Got a text late on last night from KG: "Why doesn't Saskia just take her top off?"

Why indeed.

The Wallet says: "Free the Big Brother 2!!"

Can't wait to see this

Rhino: I'll floor the lout!

It's on Channel 4 later this year barring a killing.

Unholy Matrimony

I managed 67%.

ClickRed

I finished it in 102 seconds on me first try. Cracking original little game.

Mario Outtakes

Mario thing with Homer Simpsons voice, what's that all about?

Friday, June 3

That Roberto Carlos Free Kick

Amazingly, this was 8, count em, 8 years ago today.

Got to love the American description of the goal.

Das Spunken

He's only going all upmarket isn't he?

Popularity Contest

Well that is the aim of BB so here are my Week 1 favourites, Maxwell being the best, Craig the worst. We'll be sticking a list each on every week. I can see some money coming into play here as well you know! I reckon Craig will be going tonight.

1. Maxwell
2. Saskia
3. Sam
4. Science
5. Anthony
6. Roberto
7. Derek
8. Kemal
9. Makosi
10. Lesley
11. Mary*
12. Vanessa
13. Craig*

* = up for the chop.

Wednesday, June 1

Hate That Frog

Someone please add blood, mines and machine guns to this game.

Nice......

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