Tuesday, May 31

Live 8

You just know it's going to be a cracking day in the sunsheeeinnne with all these top bands on display. How did Kaiser Chiefs wangle the USA slot? Should be excellent viewing.

Satda Night - Middlesbrough

This week, in the style of...........................Trainspotting. Or one of it's constituent parts, anyhow.

Choose Middlesbrough. Choose Phil's Birthday. Choose to meet in the Dickens. Choose to buy Phil some of the most horrendous drinks known to man. Choose to light the aforementioned drinks. Choose to giggle nervously when another instantly replaces it. Choose to go to Lloyds. Choose one of the 2 taxis on offer. Choose to give the Taxi driver some tick-tickalee. Choose Going to Yates's instead. Choose a hen party. Choose one of the scallies with something like "Squirting Steph" on a badge. Choose a test tube. Choose a glow stick. Choose to go to Trader jacks. Choose more ridiculous shots for Phil. Choose to go to Blue. Choose having a triple drinking compo. Choose your vomit spectators. Choose not to vomit. Choose to be piled on by lardheads. Choose to go home. Choose to sleep the night away in your vomit stained clothes.

We didn't choose the last few.

We chose to go to Walkabout, and then to "Surfers" nite-club, or indeed "That place upstairs in Walkabout".

Choose to bust a move to easily the finest music I've heard in boro for "yonks". Choose to kick fuck out of a paki. Choose a parmo. Choose a Murkin magic trick. Choose to offer him out. Choose to bottle it. Choose a taxi. Choose to go home before it gets very, very fucking ugly indeed........

Basketball's "And Solskjaer has won it!"

Have I posted something like this before?

Monday, May 30

Big Brother

Yet again, I thought I wouldn't bother wioth Big Bro this year.

Same old same old I thought.

And I wasn't wrong.

But it's grabbed me again, and this year it contains someone who sums up the Wallet way of life like no other.

That's right, beer drinking, footy watching, tit leering gobshite Maxwell is already my personal favourite, I'm sure the other Walleteers agree wholeheartedly.

He did just appear to be a southern cockney tosspot, but his argument with the clumsily named Makosi reached new heights when he advised that she should "get a fucking haircut".

When asked about this, our hero told BB that he thought Makosi was "trying to be the big potato" and was "giving it the lemon". Genius!

Bangladesh

That red spot would be perfect for "Chiefs on Tour".

KG and Pete are at the cricket soon and will be backing Bangladesh as they face Australia at Old Trafford.

Sunday, May 29

Top Gear



Jeremy, Richard and James were on fine form this week in yet another hour of innovative stuff.

Without a doubt the best thing on TV.

Derren Brown



Sublime television from Derren Brown in a Channel 4 special tonight. He never fails to amaze me although it is starting to get more and more obvious how he does it.

For example the woman picking the triangle being given three seconds to choose. Three seconds, three sides. He then counted down "THREE, two, one.".

But still the fact he memorised a large chunk of the Greater London A-Z. He won't have memorised all of it (surely?) and influenced the way the audience picked each destination but still it is some feat.

And the bit at the end with the Sheperds Bush taxi route was phenomenal.

There was a map of London put together using all the pages from the A-Z. He then picks a cabbie from the audience and puts him under hypnosis.

He asks him to imagine he has a foreign rich bloke in his taxi and he asks where to go but instead of going the normal way he asked him to take a bit of a 'round the-houses' route instead.

So they went through the route. It started at Buckingham Palace and ended at Sheperds Bush Green and he he described each landmark Brown filled in the route with a black pen on the A-Z pages. When finished, Brown route down Shepherds Bush Green and its reference, SE84 if I remember rightly. He asked how much would have charged and £8 was the answer.

Now, the driver had been given a black envelope to hold throughout this bit and when it was over, Brown asked him to open it. He took out a folded piece of card and showed the crowd. It read SE84.

He then pulled out a piece of acetate with a red line and overlaid it on the black line, it matched perfectly.

He followed this with a receipt from a taxi for £8 and then to tope it all off he pulled the map off the board and it read Sheperds Bush Green. Fantastic stuff.

For those who saw it, was the subliminal "forget" image meant to be seen by us?

Saturday, May 28

BB in pics

Shouldn't have bothered last night eh? It seems I missed off the witch called Mary. That was intentional.

Friday, May 27

Big Brother

Well Davina was looking stunning as ever and then the contestants arrived and spoilt it all.

Derek

He's as bent as a 9 bob note but he still seems, okay, I suppose, as in he knows how to behave and and what have ya. Changed my mind, evict him.

Leslie

Wearing a skimpy nurses outfit about eight sizes too small this "propa scally" is from Huddersfield and upon planting a peck on Dezza's cheek she left half her make up there. Could be a contender and she would deffo 'get it'.

Sam

Third in the house was one seriously horny bint who seriously get it, the dirty minx. Another contender I reckon.

Maxwell

Next up was the most 'lad' lad I've ever seen on BB. A Gooner who is in to footy and beer and will probs get the full backing of most gadgies across the land. Another contender.

Antony

Consett Durham for the next bloke but he was booed after taking about eight minutes too long to get in the house the mackem twat. Needs a good kicking this lad I think.

Roberto

Italian bloke with a unidentifiable accent coming through and it's not Italian. He won't win. Mr Average.

Vanessa

Hate her, too much of a bitch. Give her a slap someone.

Craig

Total cunt of a hairdresser witha attitude problem. I'd be voting him out first.

Makhosi

Bit of a stunner, another one. But after her first visit to the diary room to receive her secret mission she lost the plot. Kick her out now.

Science

"As in Maths, English and..." A black lad with a mental afro. Seems like he could be funny.

Saskia

Look at the fucking hooters on her, shes got more breast than Christmas dinner. I doubt she'll win but keep her in for when the bikinis come on. If there is one big enough to fit her.

Kimahl

Is that man or a fucking animal? I can't tell. Needs shooting not evicting.

In summary there is some serious pussy this year and couple of geezers. Get rid of the shite early and this could be a barnstomer of a series.

More Big Bro stuff until it gets boring.

Oh well, that's the last of that then!

Saskia to win for having Russ Meyer like mammarys.

Just Ordered a New Phone

It had better be decent. Click.

Now that isn't the real reason I'm here.

There has been some amazing news over the past 48 hours. Keith has developed a bad back, in fact a potential slipped disc (Yeah right!).

It may be down to 10 years of lugging about a vast gut. It may be the fact the only exercise he has got since leaving school has been walking from pub to pub and jumping up and down whenever Boro score. But, I know the real reason.

The real reason lies deep within KG's sub-concious. A deep desire to make everyone he knows die laughing when tomorrow night he arrives through Yates's double doors in, yes, a wheelchair.

Wednesday, May 25

What's Going Down?

Now then chiefs, here's a bit of an update on happenings.

Pete and Jo are back from the Dom Rep with gallons of rum and our soon to be weekly feature - Chi Chi the toy dog.

The sunsheeeiiine has been struggling to get out in Boro and is only now forcing its way through the smog for what promises to be a blistering weekend.

Phil's birthday (anyone know how old he is? 24?) is on Saturday and we, along with a shed load of others, are all going down Boro to get trashed. Phil has to be unable to stand by 9.30pm otherwise we've failed. Sambuka time!!

On Friday, Big Brother returns. Now last years was excellent viewing and providied many a talking point on those boring work nights. Plus it provides ample impression opportunities. "Am tha Slick man!" and so on and so forth. Lets this series betters it.

And to top all that off, we then have Monday off! i say if we aren't too dead from the Saturday night a few of us should go down Boro on the Sunday for a few jars. Well I say few, I actually mean a full on sesh starting at 6.00pm.

20 June is The Burnley Wallet's first birthday and there will be some huge celebrations.

Also, coming soon: -

Some sort of Dom Rep review on here (leaving all the honeymoon details out please.) Photos of the wedding.

KG and Pete backing Bangladesh (that's backing not back in)

The BW Olympics

Chi Chi

Plus much much more.

Tuesday, May 24

Just Letters

Someone keeps stealing me letters!

Monday, May 23

Congrats.........

To Chaz, who expertly passed her observation thingy today, and will soon no doubt be the finest teacher to educate the fine sprogs of this nation.

Well done Chaz-meister!

Twat the Penguin

Name says it all really.

Here!

The "Chicken Eating" Spider.

Name says it all.

Ummmmm...... Chicken!

There almost a foot long.

Sunday, May 22

Sorted



EastEnders Grant Mitchell is on his way back. They won't ever beat the episode with the Munchkin though.

Porn-Alikes

Cheers B3ta, I will nick those links.

Porn. Here. Mike.

Nice

Especially the little health warning:

Gash-or-tash

Well? Is it a gash, or indeed a tash? Mint lyrics.

Tha Night Out - Schizzle ma Nizzle

This week the night out review arrives in "Gangsta Rap" stylee;

I'm doing this review in the style of a rap
It might be good or it could turn out crap
It came as challenge from my big brother
His name? Heaney, P Dubya!

Started out with a lift off Joseph Barry
Don't you know? That's right he's my daddy
Got a ride to the Dickens Inn
That is where the night out begins.

Me and KG started on Carling,
Two pints and eyed up the darlings
Phil arrived followed by Tone
It was his b'day but he turned up alone

Talked about a lot of stuff
Granny grunt and fingers in muff
Enough of KG and his OAP
Next to arrive were Peter and Ste

One more drink and we moved up the road
The Star and Garter didn't you know
Another pint and moved on to see
This time the Southfield, pub no. 3

Stood outside in the warm sunshine
Phil dissapeared then we knew it was time
To play a prank and hid round the wall
"Keith Keith where are ya?" came the call

Jumped in a taxi but only room for three
Had the drivers life, Phil got a tick a ticklee
Straight to Lloyds and please no delay
Pound each aswell and that seemed okay.

Went upstairs and words were exchanged
With a jockey who should number his days
We were all ready for it to explode
We went to Yates to meet Clare and Jo

Tempers cooled and back on the booze
Our livers continually abused.
Approached by a girl with a fabulous rack
Of test tubes of course which we drank for the crack

Up the road and onto to Trader Jacks
Used to be Huxters but now it's changed tack
What happened in here, can people recall?
Think the booze had an effect on us all

Next on the list was the pub they call Blue
and tried to flush Stevies head down the loo
And then round the corner into the land of Oz
Walkabout with a vicious croc

Tried to pull it down from its loose ceiling fitting
The bar staff there, they were having kittens
Told us to behave or we'd get thrown out
That croc will come down of that there's no doubt.

Lets go to Chicago, the club not the city
Its getting boring, in fact pretty shitty
On the way we were given a flash
Of Claresy Murkins bare naked ass

Down on the dancefloor, and Phil bust a move
DJ nearly killed us a with a full range of tunes
Those older ladies, are always worth a punt
Even if she has got a name like Granny Grunt

Goodbyes were shared, and parmos were eaten
I shared a lift with Granny Grunt and her niece, mmm
A cracking night I think you'll agree
And next week its Phils Birthdee

Friday, May 20

Yakka Boo



So, has he signed or what?

Thursday, May 19

Richards Birthday


Happy Birthday for Friday 20th to top chief and friend of the wallet Richard, also known as Dick/Dicky/Cock.

He'll be 18 tomorrow, so hardy fucking har har to the landlords of Middlesbrough who've unwittingly been serving him for the last year or so whilst underage.

Anyhow, many happy ones Dicky, watch you don't drink too much JD (like in Notts, eh?)

Best wishes from all at the wallet, and lots of kisses from all the girls at Angels Lapdancing Emporium, Redcar.

One year older........

........but not one year wiser. On June 20th, BW is 1.

We need to celebrate. But what can we do?

Ideas please chiefs and chief-ettes.

Preferably involving lashings of beer and parmos eh?

Birthday

Tony Lane is 23 this week. Thats years not stone.

Phil gains a year next week.

Although both celebrations will be fantastic, nothing compares to the news that: -

The Burnley Wallet is 1 year old on June 20!!!!

Mark it down Walleteers and gadgies everywhere. Every chief and his crazy frog will be celebrating this one.

87 Days

To go until the start of the new Premiership season.

How depressing?

Return to Redcar

Sorry for the lateness of this one, works been a killer this week and I've only just got back from looking after Zack at Pete and Jo's house. Am I forgiven? Good.

So the chiefs descended on Redcar's beautiful seafront and even though it had been a miserable cloudy day it got to about 6pm and it just got red hot. It just knew!

Anyhow enough of the sappy shite, down to business.

Phil and Patron (is it Patron? He's called Michael apparently - I was really paying attention.) picked me up at 7ish and took us down to Redcar to pick Richard up.

Paul then loaded us up and dropped us off at...

The Plimsoll Line

Was its usual self in here, fairly busy and full of arseholes - one lardhead was all over this lass who was on a hen night. If he made it home in anyhting but an ambulance I'd have been surprised. A few pints in here and we went down the road to...

The Bookmaker

Phil got the booze in, I settled for a mega vodka red bull for old times sake (rumour has it myself and KG used to go every week and drink at least 6 pints of the stuff before 10pm). So we cracked onto the fruity and we're all watching it as fuck all comes out and this gadge comes walking down past the door to get the bogs. This lass comes flying through the outwardly opening door and sends him flying into the fruity. Funny as!

Elgins

Pretty dead in here. A big hen party came in and this seriously old fucking bird proper eyed me up. Phil: "Ere, fucking hell Mikey d'ya see that!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"Fuck off!"

I got stung into buying a mega round of shots in here. Bastards!

The Royal

Cracked on in here, the usually packed highlight of a night down Redcar. I dunno if we were too early or what but it was dead. Had a load of alcypops in here before shifting on to.

Aruba

Walked over to the nightclub and again, pretty quiet. Think Redcar has gone on its arse since I stopped going!

Some quality dancing from myself and Phil - I thought he was gonna start spinning rouind on the floor at one point and do "The Worm".

Got pretty boring quickly so we went to...

The Deck

Was pretty full but I think we'd had enough of shitty Redcar to last a another year. Taxi home and in for 1.30! Bit of a crap one but we're all out on the 28th for Phillipo's bday! C'mon!

Squaddies Pissing About

Only the British Army eh?

Wednesday, May 18

New Ringtone

Check it out.

Beats the Crazy Frog and that Chick thing.

Listen and watch it here!

Citeh Vs The Mighty Boro

So last Sunday me and our Chris decided a trip to the City of Manchester stadium was the order of the day to see the Boro hopefully qualify for European football for the first time through the league.

I picked him up for 10.10am, and set off in the sunnnnsshhhhiiinnnneeee, to Manchester, our mams little Corsa got us there in just under an Hour and Half, and we finds a car park, dump the car and off we go to find a boozer.

It was just before 12, so the pubs wern't even open yet, but we found one with a big bunch of Boro fans outside, so best to stick with your own we thought, so we went and joined them and waited for the Jolly Sailor to open.

Once it opened our Chris got the Stella in (Unfortunately only one for me as a was driving). NOw this pub was a fucking dump, it was a good 20 mins from the ground, there was water all over the floor as the radiator had leaked, the pool table was out of order, the fruit machine jackpot was £5, the toilets stunk and the lager was shite and expensive.

So after about an hour in here we decided to go to the ground, and what a ground it is, it reminds of a foreign ground like you see on the telly, with the curved roof, it has an approach walkway which reminded me of Wembley Way, as we were fairly early we decided to wait near the main entrance and watch the City players arrive, one of the security guards had informed us the Boro Bus had already arrived. Players who walked by us included Danny Mills, Claudio Reyna, Joey Barton (who's girlfriend was stunning) and Kiki Musamp who arrived wearing Flip FLops, Trackie bottoms and a Bob Marley T-Shirt, whilst everyone else had the club suits on.

We were both busting for a piss, so we went in the ground, fancy fuckers at City ya know, ya swipe your ticket, no turnstyle operator here!

Once inside we decided on another pint and the facilities were first class, it was like a pub in the concourse a mixture of Lager/Beer/Cider/Spirits/Alcopos very impressed and also seating areas, something I have never seen before. Almost forgot the 4 Plasma Screens which were showing Derby V Preston from Div 1 play offs.

So we takes our seats and were located 4 seats from a row of stewards, a staircase then the City Fans, Nightmare!

City Fans are a bunch of lardheads, kept singing songs refering to Child abuse, apparently there was a big out break of Child Abuse in the Cleveland area in the 80's. Now some Boro fans took exception to this especially when there were children sat amongst us and started having a go, god knows how no one was ejected.

Any way on to the match and Jimmy scores a beaut of a free kick from 35 yrds, which spanked off the bar and into the roof of the net, get in there.

Citeh equalised just after half time, with that scruffy cunt Musampa, oh fuck we thought, it could be a long 45 mins!

Nothing much really then happened until the 4th offical signalled 5 mins injury time, and David James went and played up front for them. City then get a penalty deep into injury time, if City score then they go into Europe instead of us. You obviously fear the worst, especially when your struggling to remember Schwarzer ever saving a penna, but the scenes in the Boro end when he did, will live long in the memory, hugging strangers, kissing the head of a bald man in front of you, were just two of things I can remember, but that feeling has only been bettered by that day in Cardiff last February.

So we did it, we drew 1-1, we celebrated for a while after the match with the Boro players, and then made our way home.

After a bit of nightmare getting out of Manchester we got back just before 8pm.

What a day!

The Boro did it, Back in Europe, lets get saving Pete a fancy a trip abroad with the Red and White army!

Tuesday, May 17

News 14 Carolina

Local closing info got 'hacked' and the results well, have a look.

Monday, May 16

Xbox 360

Pete's Xmas is sorted.

The Mighty Boro

Those magic 5 minutes again.

Brownlee goes fucking mental!!

Akiane

Is this total bollocks or what?

Sunday, May 15

Limmy.com

Found on Limmy.com. This is what Jackass was missing.

Saturday, May 14

John Rogan

Is I believe the gadge who signed the guestbook as the mortgage refinancer. Just had a scan on Friendsreunited and he is apparently working for Abbey Mortgages, following an 8 year Journalism degree. Even *.* ******* got a job with the Gazette and he's an alleged (ginger). Bet he didn't mention that in his interview.

C'mon Rogan, Page 3 of the Sunday Sport beckons.

He was of course a mate of mine and Keith's at school. I'll let Keith fill you in on all the timeless moments in school folklore that involved "Rish" (as he used to be called).

Give us a comment if it was you.

Redcar: The Return

The legend of Mikey in Redcar returns tonight. They are pretty much consdered truly awe inspiring nights out and this one should be no exception. It's been almost a year but I doubt the magic has gone.

Where is Keith? You might ask. Well, the lad who had the gaul to call me "a fucking pussy" is in fact staying in because he is frightened of being hungover for the Boro match tomorrow.

All together....

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

It's called a fry up chief.

Anyway, me, Phil, Phils mate and 'Little' Richard who has just turned 18 bless him are hitting Redcar High Street for gallons of booze. Bring it on!

Wednesday, May 11

Last Saturday Night.

Me and Phil decided on a night out, and were joined by Phil's mate Michael. Mikey was "tired" the fucking pussy, and Stevie well is just Stevie, so un reliable!

Anyway this is just a brief run down of what happened.

Mikey dropped us off at Lloyds for 7.15, were a met Phil and was introduced to Michael, whacked 3 pints of rocket fuel (Stella) into me and we capped funny stories of recent nights out, with the main one about me and the elder ladies Middlesbrough has to offer. You all know the story by now!

Yates

I got the round in here, £1.50 for a bottle of Corona, or selected Alcopop is just spot on, and at those prices Yates has to be visited on nights out.

Hogs

This was the busiest I have ever seen the Hogs, one drunken lardhead asks us to borrow a cigarette, and Michael offered him one, he then puts his arms around Michael and says "Am a Boro football hooligan and av do the Boro proud today" yeah whatever dick, grow up eh?
Bottle of Becks in here.

Blue

Decided to pop in here as Oz Bar had a queue, another bottle of Becks in here, and we went and sat with these 2 lasses, we then just ripped the piss out of everyone who walked in who had something slightly wrong with them, my fave was this lass, who had a pair of Jeans on but then a dress on over the top of the jeans, and she looked like a Stick of multi coloured Blackpool Rock, funny at the time.

Barrycuda

Popped in here and yet another bottle of Becks, bumped into Gary who is sometimes out with us, I think I played the fruity in here for a bit and may have won about 8 chunks.

Aruba

this was the quietest I have seen Aruba, got served straight away by a barman who didn't have a fucking clue. I asked for a bottle of Becks, he goes we havn't got any, am like there they are there and pointed to them. Lardhead.

Spensley's

Michael who according to Phil is worse than Moss on the bandits, put a few quid in the fruit machine, and ran out of change, then these lads came on and fed the machine good style, Michael then showed the lads what to do and they ended up getting the Jacky, that only put them about level but they celebrated as though they had won the fucking lottery.

Chicago Rock

Got in here a bit too early, but still bumped into Granny Grunt and her niece. Also bumped into one of the lads ex girlfriend who has got the best pair of tits in the world. I goes to her "There not real them"She's like yas can feel them if you like, it didn't take a second invitation I tell ya.
At one point I was busting a move on the dancefloor when I saw that older lady who I got up to no good with the other week. Am like Fuck this, am moving. Phil goes "Av never seen you move so quick"

Jumping Jacks

Chicago's got a but shit so we decided to crack on to JJ's, people slate it in here but I actually enjoyed it, so quality singalong tunes and some classic dance tracks. Its full of Lardheads mind (We'll fit in a treat then eh?) and loads of lasses. Not the best looking but still!!

We left JJ's about 1.40am and headed for home, a good night all round.

Amarillo

Looks pretty rough from a satellite.

Works Night Out

The Wallet is quiet this week. I'm currently minding the newlyweds house and KG has promised a review of his night with Phil in the Boro soon.

On Friday night I was out with workmates, Andrew Garrens and Andrew Pollard. It was a stormer of a night, a proper cracking laugh...

TS1

KG kindly picked us up for a 7.30 start in this the pub named after Middlesbrough's postcode. We had a couple of pints in here and ther weas also a few others from our workplace as well (Colin, Tanya and Dave). It was pretty quiet - I caught up on the latest 'gossip' having been off the previous week. It wasn't the kind of quality shit that I like to spread around. We drank up and shifted on to...

Blue Lounge

It was fairly quiet in here, Andrew P got a lot of stick about his run ins with various football hooligans over the years - the lads obsessed by them. Drank up fairly quickly and moved round to the...

Dickens Inn

Again, quiet. Love the Dickens now like, it's smart as. Stuck a few chunks in the fruity to no avail. The Bandit kid wasn't with us.

Taxi To Yates

Flagged down a white bearded asain chap in his taxi and he got an interrogation about his porn viewing habits including, "Have ya seen Emannuelle? That bit where shes on the aeroplane? Phwoooar!!! Am only joshing mate." At which poinht Garrens gave it a "Rogan Joshing!". Oh how we laughed!!

Yates

Sank 6 bottles of Red Square in here waiting for the ladies to arrive from a party of another workmate. These were the 'undecided' of the group. Anway there was Helen, Debbie and Carol.

When they arrived Garrens pulled off a hilarious 'Stiffler' from American Wedding scene whilst stood behind Carol (who is a pretty straight laced prim and proper bird) and did the pelvic thrusts and stopped as she moved her head. Oh it was funny.

Grabbed a couple more bottles and we moved on to Hogshead which was shut so we went round the corner to...

Barracuda

I bought a mega round at £15 which shocked me. Also managed to nick a set of glittery antenna that the birds where and land one in Pollards pint. Genius.

Walkabout

Carol left us as we went in here. We had a few in here. I'd lost track of time by now as the band had started - it must have been gone 11pm. After a couple of drinks the ladies left and the three of us lads went to Chicago.

Chicago Rock Cafe

I got stuck into an older lady whilst Garrens met up with his missus and Pollard just sort of stood about watching me whilst thinking, "Wish I was him."

So this bird was called of all things, Stevie.

"I says you what?"

"Stevie as in Stevie Nicks."

"Ya joking aren't ya? Av got a mate called that."

It didn't get much further after that revelation, mind you she was that old when the bouncer asked for her ID she showed him her buspass.

About 1.45ish I buggered off and left Stevie to it before the lights came on.

Home

Got a taxi fairly easy and got home for some taped porn on Sky Plus - I tell ya what its a marvellous invention. Pete and Jo: your Sky bill is gonna be fucking collossal.

A Burnley Wallet countdown.....

16 days til Big Brother Starts.

WOO HOO!

Is this the way to Amarillo?

No

But this is.......

1.Start at Newcastle Airport.

2. Catch flight from Newcastle to London Heathrow Airport.

3. Catch flight from London Heathrow to Dallas Fort Worth Airport.

4. Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport.

5. Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South" - follow for 0.2 miles.

6. Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for 0.3 miles

7. Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North Airport Exit" - follow for 2.9 miles

8. Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2 miles

9. Then continue on "US 287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles

10. "US 287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles

11. Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for 104.0 miles

12. "US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles

13. Continue to follow "US 287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles

14. Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for 7.8 miles

15. Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5 miles

16. Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7 miles

17. Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1 miles

18. Arrive at the centre of "Amarillo, Texas"

Now that's the way to fucking Amarillo!!!!!!!!

Toilet Tactics

Which urinal would you pick?

Tuesday, May 10

Greetings from...............

Mr and Mrs Heaney on the lovely island of Dominica.

Hope you're all fucking freezing as we are sweating our collective knackers off and we are both a lovely shade of pink.

We'll be back soon though, with some splendid photos for you all of both the honeymoon and the wedding.

Byeeeeee!!!

Sunday, May 8

Fainting Goats

Laugh? I nearly choked on me goats milk!

Wednesday, May 4

Guestbook Signatories

Thanks, I think, go to Near PC and Behind PC who I think are one in the same. View and sign the guestbook here.

The Wedding

I am delighted to announce that Peter and Joanne are now husband and wife. All of us here at the Wallet wish them the very best for their future. Here's how the day went...

8.30am Champagne Breakfast

Mrs Heaney knocked us up a truly awesome breakfast with all the works for me, Pete, Ste, Dale and KG which went down a treat and was followed by some mighty fine Champagne. Boodiful!!

Keith and Ste left to go and get ready and the rest of us got ready at my house. Me saying, "Have a got the rings?" quickly became the new "Are my lights on?" catchphrase and I must have checked almost every minute from then until I'd put them on the priests book. Keith and Ste came back at about 10ish to get a few photos and their button holes on.

10.15am The Car Arrives

Our Ma took a few photos of us outside and the Merc arrived for Pete, myself and Dale. A nice relaxing journey to the church like although the driver looked to much like an old Chandler from Friends for his own good.

10.30am Photos

So we got to the front of the church where a few people had arrived already, and had a shed load of photos taken, with ushers, parents, friends - it was like a papparazzi frenzy.

11.00am The Marriage

So into positions and away we go. When Joanne got to the front it looked like she was blubbing already (Awwww!!) but it was I'm told rain/perspiration.

The Priest whizzed through a pretty good rate. The Hymns were "Bind us Together Lord" and one I can't recall the name of but will get later. Some brilliant singing from all of us especially Phil who I think should be in Pop Idol soon.

I did a masterful bit of juggling with the rings and managed to get them onto the book without failure. I still kept checking the boxes were there after giving them out.

And then, Pete and Jo were married. Congratulations chiefs!!!!!!!!

We signed the register and certificates and what have you and walked down the aisle and back up round to the front for another 5 billion photographs.

Right then, time to get pissed.

12.30pm To the Sporting Lodge

I jumped in with Paul and Anne to get to the Sporting Lodge in their mega 4 x 4. Grabbed a couple of glasses of champers when I got there and went to the bar for a chat with the lads and Wallet hero Tony M before we were called on again to get in positions for the welcoming.

1.30pm Welcome

This was pretty crazy was when everyone gets to their seats and shakes your hand and you greet them. It was like a never ending stream of people and if anything got me more worked up about me speech! There were some people who just totally ignored me as well which KG found funny as fuck when I was telling him later.

We all then sat down and the bloke who introduces everyone welcomed the bride and groom to a rapturous applause.

2.00pm Speeches

"Mike your up first" says Pete.

The guy leading the events rapped the spoon on the side again.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, the Best Man"

"Oh fuck!!" I thought.

The round of applause calmed me down a bit and I was away...

"Afternoon everybody, thanks very much for coming and thank you Peter and Joanne for inviting us to your special day.

It was around about a year ago that Peter asked me to be best man and I've been looking forward to getting this bit out of the way ever since.

For those of you who don't know me I'm Michael, Pete's one and only younger brother and well, he hasn't got any mates so it had to be me.

So, Peter William Heaney, born August 7th 1979. Do you know they nearly called him Thursday Heaney when he was born - our Dad took one look at him and said "That's it Margaret, lets call it a day!"

I went round the barbers with Pete the other night to get our hair done. He said "Mr Heaney, you're going bald." He said well hurry up then and I'm getting married on Saturday!!

Anyhow we gets back to their house and as part of my duties I had to sort out the seating plan. It was a nightmare. We just couldn't decide where to put people. In the end we came up with a compromise. We decided that the people who bought the cheap gifts got to sit in the middle so that everyone could look at them. So I'd like to thank Keith for his present. Give us a wave Keith. I think he got a bit confused mind.... When they asked for stuff from Argos, they didn't want a catalogue!!

On a serious note I want to thank all the families and guests who've travelled countless miles to be here and I'd like to raise a toast to those who couldn't make it for whatever reason. So I'd like you all please to raise your glasses to absent friends.

Before I go on can I say how well turned out the bridemaids are and that they're all looking lovely today. I also want to thank them for their help leading up to today. Let's have a round of applause please for the Bridesmaids.

I'm sure everyone agrees that Joanne looks one in a million (Got a major round of applause this), whereas Pete looks, well, more like won in a raffle!

Now parents. What a marvellous pair of offspring you have here. I'm sure just like me you are very proud.

When Pete was younger, him and our Dad are walking through Boots and he picked up a packet of condoms.

He says “Dad, Dad..what are these?"

So our Dad explains what there for.

Pete asks, “But why do they come in packs of 3, 6 and 12”.

He says “Well son, the packs of 3 are for teenage boys, they use one on the Friday night, one on the Saturday night and one on the Sunday night. The packs of 6 are for lads in their 20s-they’ll use 2 on the Friday night, 2 on the Saturday night and 2 again on the Sunday night. The packs of 12 are for married men, they use one in January, one in February……!!’

I'd like to raise a toast for all their hard work and efforts not just today but actually having to bring them up! Here's to parents!

I was the going to read some cards out - it turned out there were no cards to read out.

I hope you can all join us tonight for the evening do for a bit of a disco where I will be making a complete fool of myself not that I haven't already.

So if you'd like to join me now in raising your glasses to the happy couple - to Peter and Joanne!

Barry then gave a short one with a few photos of Joanne as a kid and then Pete did a big thank you to everyone. Thank christ that was over with I could get minced now.

2.45pm Grub

Still coming down from my speech the food was served. Paul was sat to the left of me and pretty much had most of my food. What I had was nice like but I think me breakfast was still on us. Big Emma was to the right of me and was getting stuck in, even asking the waitresses for a second helping of meat and chipolatas cos she got no veg.

3.15pm Getting Monged

So speeches, food and pleasantries aside everyone tucked in to some copious amounts of wine, champers and lager and believe me it was flowing. I must have sunk 8 pints and a bottle of wine in a couple of hours. Everyone else, my Dad in particular, was on the race too. KG was suffering I think from the Beacon still so was very slow on the uptake.

5.15pm The Footy

I was absolutely shit faced when the footy was on. Boro had finished 1-1 and now it was Chelsea's turn to play bolton where 3 points would win the title for them. They won 2-0 in a decent game.

6.30ish George and the Magician

George (Lisa and Nin from Norwich's lad) was left in our company following the match and was kept entertained by some unbelievable magic tricks from Stevie Merckin - the lads got talent. Doing the which hand is the coin in trick he had most of us grown ups fooled although we'd all had at least 10 drinks by now. I'm not sure who told him to do it but George came up to KG and called him "Chief." I think it's time for a new word.

7.30pm Back in the Main Room

With a load more new faces having arrived for the night do we all packed back into the main room along with a giant sized "killer" bee, which its been revealed along with Zack the dog has signed Pete and Jo's guest book with, "Please let me out!"

Amongst the Wallet regulars were Tottsy and Laney. Tottsy's mysterious ingredient from a few weeks back was revealed to be, wait for it, a handful of Pete's pubes.

Buffet

The buffet opened, some nice grub on offer and there was soon a queue leading from the bar right down one side of the room. Ate me grub and got a few more drinks in and that. Me Stevie and Clare were giving young Richard and his lass a bit of stick - "Up for a fivesome Rich?". He's always red but he went a brighter shade of maroon. Mind you, his lass looked well up for it!!

Dancing

Mine and Pete's dad reigned supreme with some awesome moves early on which was bettered by a oops up side your head with all the bridesmaids and me Auntie Helen all sat on the nice clean dancefloor.

There was a surprising lack of any hilarious dancing from the lads. The ringleader KG was nowhere to be seen - what was going on chief? The best bit was the Cha Cha Slide when on all the old cronies have to help each other get back up which always makes us giggle.

11.30pm Getting Home

So KG booked a taxi, I said my goodbyes to everyone and got in. I tidied my suit away, crawled into bed and it sunk in that I now had a fortnight of the Zackmeister! "Oh, for f....

Sunday, May 1

The Big Day

I'm pleased to announce the biggest event of yesterday went without a hitch.

The Champagne Breakfast was gorgeous!! Cheers Mam.

Full review soon (of the wedding not just the breakfast) - I'm a bit dead still from a full days boozing and schmoozing.

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