Friday, April 29

To Me, To You

Seems childhood hero Barry Chuckle has been a naughty boy. According to the Sun article, Housewife Sally, 37, told how he KISSED her as she sat in his car, put his hand up her SKIRT — and BEGGED her to spend nights with him in a hotel. Got to love them capitals.

Here's a photo of Bazza in action with the ladies!!


No really, thank you.

"Emma" signed the guestbook on behalf of her Casino site. What a name eh? The site not Emma.

Have you signed the guestbook? Click here.

General Knowledge Quiz

Teacher: " Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday. "

Wee Jocky (a typical Scottish nyaff) thinks, " Ya dancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff. This is gonny be a dawdle, come ahead the noo ya radge, a lang weekend fir me. '

Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said. ' Don't ask what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country? '

Wee Jocky shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air.

Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front.

'Yes, Jeremy? '

Jeremy (in a very English accent): " Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960."

Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."

The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jocky is even more determined.

Teacher: "Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender? "

Wee Jocky's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know!! Me Miss, me Miss"

Teacher looks round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy."

Timothy (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech."

Teacher: " Very good Timothy , you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jocky is hyper, he's been studying encyclopedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his wee chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.

Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind? "

Wee Jocky's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Me miss. Me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me Miss meeeeee!!!!"

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front, "Yes Rupert."

Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent):

"Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1967, The first moon landing."

Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday."

Wee Jocky loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming, "Where the f**K did all these English bastards come from?"

Teacher looking round the class: "Who the hell said that? "

Wee Jocky, grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door,

"Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See yez on Tuesday."

Thursday, April 28

Newcastle 0-0 Middlesbrough

So yesterday me, Pete and our Chris, made the short journey North to Tyneslide, to watch The Boro take on Newcastle. This is how the day went.

Peter picked me and Chris up at 1.30pm and took us over his house, where a taxi was booked for 2.00pm to take us down the town, for some pre train lagers.

So we gets to Isaacs and Pete orders the drinks in

"3 pints of Stella please"

"Sorry Stella's off"

"3 Fosters then"

"Sorry Fosters is off"



"What is on then?"

"The only lager on is Bud on draught"

"3 of them please"

It weren't the best to honest like, but by the time we supped our first pint, all the pumps were back on so normal business was resumed. 3 pints later and the 3.32pm to Newcastle train was our next port of call.

The train was a bit of a mare like, and took about an hour and half, but once we arrived in Newcastle we headed straight to the pub called the Union Rooms, were we thought we would be joined by hundreads of other Boro fans, oh well I think we were the only Boro in there and surrounded by Black and White shirts. Tucked into some scran in here, Bacon and cheese burger and it was boodiful, plus the obvious 2 pints of Stella.

After the Union Rooms we headed on up the road to Yates, yet still no Boro fans, another pint supped in here, plus some smelly twat kept shitting and it stunk. Did we find out who it was Pete?

After then stench in Yates we decided to crack on to a pub nearer the ground, Tiger Tiger it was called and it was a proper wine bar, no pumps and no lager on draught, so I had to settle for a Corona and lime whilst the other 2 tucked into a double Vodka and Red Bull and I got stung for a mind boggling £11.50!

Just next door to Tiger Tiger was a Lloyds but it was heaving in here, so cracked on to the ground and grabbed a pint in here.

Once through the turnstiles you are met with a colossus 14 flights of stairs to negotiate to get to your seat. Once at the top we were all gasping for a pint! Also bumped into Tucky (Fellow Eston/Normanby lad). Once inside the ground the atmosphere began to grow, singing on the concourses was getting louder as kick off grew closer.

The match got under way under the fading Newcastle sunset, deffo short sleeve weather, the atmosphere was electric from the 3ooo traveling Boro fans, but the match itself didn't live up to expectation, but we would have settled for a draw before kick off, Jimmy and Nemeth went close for Boro in the second but that was about it.

along with the usual array of boro songs, there were a few new ones, particularly aimed at the Geordies and they were

"36 years and you've won fuck all
you say your a big club
But you've won fuck all"


"Bellamy's right, shearer is Shite,
Bellamy's right, shearer is Shite"


"Souness, he's gunna take you down, he's gunna take you down, he's gunna take you down"

Once the match finished we trekked thru Newcastle to catch the last train to Middlesbrough at 10.10pm. and got back in the town centre for a Parmo for about 11.30pm.

A top day all round, match wasn't the best, but the atmosphere more than made up for that.

Wednesday, April 27

The Wedding

Just three days now until Pete and Joanne tie the knot in the wedding of the year and I go down a storm with an inch perfect best mans speech and . The full rundown and some cracking pics on the Wallet soon!!

St Cuthberts church is the venue followed by the Reception at the Sporting Lodge.

This is going to be an awesome day in Wallet land!

Tuesday, April 26


Nothing for shite dart throwing in this game.

Monday, April 25

"Who is your daddy and what does he do?"

This is genius.

Thank you Mr J 'F' Wright.

For other prank calls, click here.

Champagne Breakfast (Rubs hands together)

Saturday night saw the walleteers and friends convene at the Lingy for a bit of tea and pre-wedding 'laugh'.

Pierre kindly picked me and KG up from our homes and took us over.

Got to Pete's house and he chucked us a can out the window. It was one of the best cans of lager ever. It was ice cold in the warm sun - boodiful.

Us three plus Jo then walked to the Lingy with constant threats of a 'gap in a fence' that we had to crawl through. Not wanting to make a mess of meself or indeed get stuck I was a bit apprehensive. Every time a gap appeared I was given a "There's the gap Mikey!" which was met with a hearty "No fucking way am going through that."

We finally got there and it was heaving. We moved to another table after about five minutes and then when a few others arrived and we realised there'd be no room for them we then moved again outside! Fussy as some people.

Since it was so packed and now so chilly outside a minibus was booked for the Coulby Farm for some serious booze. Clairesy kept ringing it every three minutes to check on progress.

"Ere man, ordered a fucking taxi about 50 minutes ago right and am not fucking having this wait man. Ere right, nor! Er, nor. Steven will you behave."

That's exactly how she talks by the way.

A new catchphrase has been created as well which came about all because....

Ste went into the paper shop where my mam works. Asks for a buttonhole for the wedding (which he must have mentioned 8 times by the way - it's a button hole Ste!!) and our Ma says yeah I'll get you and Keith one. She also asked them if they are up for a Champagne Breakfast at our house on the morning of the wedding.

So when this tale was recounted at the Lingy it quickly became "Champagne Breakfast?" and we'd rub our hands together with glee!

Can I also point out that KG reacted to this news like he'd just won the lottery.

"I can't fucking wait now Hean!! Champagne Breakfast!!! (rubbing hands together)"

The taxi finally came and I was given one lung bursting tickling off KG and Ste - I think they've got a fetish.

We all went in and got some grub. Lots more, "Champagne Breakfast!?" and a good crack with everyone. Me and KG left for the town at about 10.30 ish.

Nothing particularly good happened. We went in Lloyds, Yates, Huxters, Vienna and Walkabout.

It really was one of the worst town visits ever so I'm not even going to write what happened in each bar.

A quick text exchange on Sunday went something like,

"Crap last night wasn't it?"


"Champagne Breakfast? (KG rubs hands together!)"

Make Fire

Using a Can of Coke and a chocolate bar!!

Saturday, April 23

A Mad Drive

Last night on chat.

"Fancy a mad drive chief?"

"Yeah where?"

"Dunno, am bored."

"Aye, York?"

"Nah, routes boring."


"Too far."


"Aye go on then."

So off we went in the beautiful sunny weather, windows down, music on, cruising at a steady relaxed pace. Through Saltburn, Brotton, past Skinningrove, Nat LoftHouse (Loftus) and ever onwards to the impending doom of Lythe Bank which is pretty hairy! Eventually we ended up in Whitby, beeping every goth we came across and dishing out abuse - there's hudreds of the fuckers!

Me: "Right chief, home or what?"

"Nah man am starving, I need some chippy."

KG is one greedy bastard when it comes to food. I carried on down the A174 along the coast and was given the "Away we'll go to Scarborough, it's only another five miles or so."

Is it bollocks. It was a good 30. 25 of which KG was constantly going on about grub. I was getting more and more pissed off as Scarborough just wouldn't turn up.

Once we got there, we just went straight past. I saw a sign for Fish and Chips and stopped so KG could fill the void! There was no chippy but just a off license where he bought 6, count em, 6 bags of Nobbys crisps and a bottle of Pepsi.

KG: "So chief how'd we get home from here now then, am not going back the way we came."

"Looks like we're going through York then."

"York?! How long dya reckon? 20 mins?"

"Er, at least 45 mins chief with the foot down."


So foot down along the A64 which is a pretty scenic route but goes on forever and after a good 40 minutes we finally arrived at York. During this 40 minutes KG must have offered us a bag of Nobby's crisps 40 times. Plus he picked up on the fact that I constantly check if my lights are on properly and if my gear and handbrake are right. God knows why, I just do. So began a 'hilarious' routine of...

"Bag of Nobby's crisps chief?"

"No ta, are my lights on? Handbrake? Gear?"

How we laughed.

Me being me managed to miss the A1237 ring road around the outside of York and took the road straight through which doubles back on itself like a snake around the city walls. Totally stressed out and nearing the empty mark on the petrol gauge we finally found the A59 out of there and found a petrol station. And home we went.

Every five minutes got a "Nobbys, lights, gear, handbrake." Also, not sure if it was driving too long but we ended singing the best Hymms from school including Colours of Day and We are the Easter People.

The funny story with that being on a Xmas mass once, there was one lass who loved 'We are the Easter People' so much got a little mixed up when Mr Donaghy, the teacher asked for suggestions.

Finally after a good 4 hours driving we got in. What a cracking way to spend my Friday night.

Friday, April 22

What Google Is Really For.....

Looking for Scran.

Camilla Queen


Vote Alien!

Fair enough, it's promoting a game, but it's a cracking lil site in my humble opinion.

Remember to vote Alien!

Rheged, Penrith

Don't ever go. I had to today and although the conference was good the venue wasn't.

Special Edition - Pub Review

Bar 1 at the Riverside Stadium as frequented by me and KG every so often:

Atmos: General feeling of doom and/or gloom, caused by the knowing looks from the hardened Boro faithful and the jolly tones of Boro TV in the background. 1.


Sporting coverage: Generally live footy on most times you go like, but the games on offer leave much to the imagination. 3.

Choons: Chart hits played by "Me Mark Page" until the footy starts, then the crowd have to provide their own songs. Well some of them anyway. Others just mime, but will heartily join in the boo-ing at half and full time. 2.

Quality of Booze: Nearly always fucking awful, but on Tuesday (v Fulham, fixtures fans) it was right nice and was virtually downed in one by myself. This is, however, the exception; not the rule.1. And I'm being generous.

Scran: Pies. Or shite pastry with scalding hot insides, which can range from anywhere between 400-800 degrees C. Will no doubt fall apart in your hands and cause third degree burnage. Cost a fucking bomb as well, as do the burgers/chips/balti pies/Hot Dogs. 1.

Lardhead Threshold: Depends if you're Franck Queudrue or not, dunnit? 2.

So the Riverside Stadiums "Bar 1" gets a shitty 1. And thats with rounding up. Honest. Cos it is shit.

Thursday, April 21


Well done lads, it took a while, but we've surpassed the 7,000 mark. Thanks to all of you!

10,000 by 2006 wasn't it?

Here's a random link to celebrate.

Weekend Football Betting

Just having a glimpse over the weekends football and following teams jumped out at me and a screamed back me for a home win. and they are

  • Chelsea V Fulham
  • Bournemouth V Peterborough
  • Sheff Wed V Stockport
  • Sunderland V Leicester
  • Derby County V Gillingham
  • Man United V Newcastle (Sunday)
  • Arsenal V Spurs (Monday)

Combined odds of around 9/1

Thats where my tatey will be going.

What's going on here?

Hatinggabi, Madaling Araw's (was that her name?) site looks to have taken a turn for the worse.

Who Should you vote for?

I took this nifty test as I don't really have a clue come 5th May.

Here's my results...

Who Should You Vote For?

Your expected outcome:


Your actual outcome:

Labour 24
Conservative 9
Liberal Democrat 4
UK Independence Party 2
Green 6

You should vote: Labour

The Labour Party is broadly pro-Europe and takes a strong line in favour of all anti-terrorism measures, and of course supported the war in Iraq. Labour is against explicit increases in income tax to fund public services and against the abolition of university tuition fees, but has pledged to reintroduce maintenance grants for students.

Take the test at Who Should You Vote For

Mikey's Pub of the Week

My effort for this week, the former Rat and Parrott...

Lloyds Bar


It can be absolutely cracking, a definite buzz about the place on a 'post wage' Saturday - perhaps the best in Boro. Sadly the rest of the month can be quiet and when it's quiet you can tune into the conversations the bar staff are having. 8


You can't go wrong in a Wetherspoons chain pub. Pints are below the £1.50 mark, cheap bottles and ultra cheap Vodka Red Bull. 10

Sporting Coverage

Two of the biggest screens in Middlesbrough and that's including the Cinemas. However, the coverage can be a little sloppy, poor sound and delayed subtitles can ruin it for those in attendance. And the big atmosphere can totally drown out the biggest of games. 6


Can be good on a busy night with a DJ upstairs blasting a healthy mix of todays big dance acts. On the quiet nights you get the horrible stuff where you can't even make out any words. Another thing as well with music in here is the videos on the big screens - they seem to rarely match the song! 6

Quality of Booze

It's cheap, it's got the widest variety of booze anywhere but the lager is just not right. The Vodka and Red Bull however is the best in the town. 9

Lardhead Threshold

Dirty looks, threats, heavies on the door - only on a busy night. On a dead one - I've stood on tables, attempted to steal no smoking signs and snorted vodka off the bar. 7


A quality pub - at times it's the best in Middlesbrough and it can be the worst.


Car advert

Can you spot what is unique about this car advert?

Try and spot it here!

Catholics Shocked at Pope Announcement

Roland Ratzinger.

"Heeeeey, Ratfans!!!!"

The Apprentice

Best thing on TV.

David "Pervy" Churchill

Has appeared in tonights Evening Gazette. Read all about him here (He's second from the bottom)

The Lardhead, he was one of those lads in school who you knew would end up being a complete arse.

One funny story I will tell about him though, One day he had upset or offended one of the "Harder Lads" of the year in school, he came over to poor David, who happened to be stood right next to me, and says "I'm sick of you Churchill, am gunna smack ya 3 times", so the lad gets his 3 quick slaps in then twats him full force, as to which Churchill replies with "Thats 4 !!" Oh how we laughed.

I suppose one good thing came out of for poor David, he showed the rest of the year he could count up to at least 4!

Wednesday, April 20

KG's Pub of the Week Review - Hogshead

Following on from Pete's review of the "Lingy". I think we should all nominate a pub each week that we review in the same style Peter did.

I'm frequently in here, during works time and we often pay homage on nights out. Therefore for my first review I choose the Hogshead (Aka The 'Ogs)


Tends to be very quiet when I go in, although the majority of the time is between 12 and 1.00pm on a dinner time. Its sometimes even quieter on an evening. - 5


Pint of Stella is £2.45, little bit steep but about average for the Town. Not many offers available on your alcopops, although 10 shots of Corky's for £8 is good value - 7

Sporting Coverage

Poor, very poor unless its on Terrestrial TV, no SKY TV in here, No Big Screen neither, altho there are a few Plasma screens dotted around the pub. - 2


Belgian Fries for £2.25 are a treat, all they are is Chips, with lashings of Tom sauce and Mayo, very nice. They also do a "2 eat for £6.95" and the menu varies. They also do a free buffet for groups of 10 or more. - 7


Far too much Robbie Williams in here for my liking, I think I now know the words to all his songs thanks to the Hogs. They also have a DJ on a Friday and Saturday night. - 4

Quality of Booze

Superb, the best pint of Stella anywhere. Plus the service is excellent for regulars like me. - 10

Lardhead Threshold

Us Lardheads could get away with all sorts in here, including nicking stuff eh Mike? Altho I wouldn't like to mess about too much in here as I have to face the bar staff on a weekday lunch time! - 7


A nice round 6

Newcastle United Vs Middlesbrough

Wednesday 27th April 2005, St James Park. 7.45pm

Bring it on.

Me and Pete will be attending this massive match, in which could decide who finishes the season as North East Top Dogs.

I queued for the tickets yesterday morning and had to wait about 30 mins, but it will be well worth it when we dick the Geordie bastards.

Plan is to meet in the town for a few pints of Mr Artois's finest, then jump on the train to arrive in Newcastle about 6ish. Then on for a few more pints in the offical FMTTM away fans pub.

Even though were playing totally rubbish at the moment, I can't help but get excited for this game. Can't wait!

Come on Boro!

Monday, April 18

Pub Review - The Lingfield Farm

Or indeed "The Lingy" as it is now known in BW circles.

I know we've never done this before, but I think we should, cos I've just stumbled across the old BW Pub Guide that never took off but was a storming idea anyway.

So, all pubs judged on the following criteria:

Sporting coverage
Quality of booze
Lardhead Threshold

Out of 10, natch, then divided by 7 to get an average. See? And round it up or down as you see fit. And we'll keep a bit of a league table.

So then: Lingy.

Atmos: Nice. Bit of a sort of "new" pub vibe going on, so no lingering regualrs with roll ups and flat caps glaring at you for ordering that new fangled lager shite. Nice mix of people as well, age-wise. 8.

Pricing: Offers aplenty, buy one alcy-popple get the next for one squid. Buy 4 pints get the 5th for nowt. Stella film compo on at the mo. Isn't there KG? Otherwise, normal £2.20 for a jar of nice lager. 7.

Sporting coverage: Excellent, big central screen plus loads of smaller tellies, all Sky and Terrestrial footix on. May have to investigate the possibility of the "foreign" channels and Satda afternoon games. 7.

Scran: Quite expensive but proper nice. 8.

Choons: Normal piped pop shite. never really noticed until I decided to really listen for it. Not on yesterday cos of the footix, but previous visits have heard Spice Girls and Travis. 5.

Quality of Booze: Nice. A canny pint of lager in here, plus good service. 8.

Lardhead Threshold: Hmmm, dunno, but there may be a Hemlington Hard-man in so it's a bit, pardon the pun, hit and miss. Might get a spanking. Best not to risk it. 5.

Overall: Bout 7 ish.

Your turn chaps.

stephen hawking's blog

The blog is reasonable. The profile is genius.

Draw a Pig

It analyses your personality.

Sunday, April 17

Google Sightseeing

This a site dedicated to the weird and wonderful stuff to be found in America using Google's satellite imagery. The plane 'graveyard' and 'Area 51' are pretty awesome.

BW Fantasy Footy Update

Catching ya!!


I'd like to announce that the challenge of slipping a Chief Wiggum impression into my Best Man speech has been accepted. You may regret it, well, me too probably.

£20 chiefs?

A Night at Pete's Arcade

Me, KG and Pierre cracked on with a fair bit of NHL, Pro Evo Soccer and some Tennis game which I can't recall the name of.

NHL is fast and furious and KG caned us 8-4 in the final game before we all got a bit serious on Pro Evolution Soccer. Pete gave it the big "I can beat anyone with anyone." KG promptly beat him 2-1 with Boro against Deportivo.

I then beat KG with Ronaldinho and then me and Pete had two awesome encounters.

I stuck with Barcelona and Pete changed to his saved 'Masterleague' Middlesbrough team. Conspiracy theorists like me are pretty certain Pete has a dozen cheats saved for when he plays us.

Who won? Well Pete of course but only with the help of his trusted ally, introducing Mr Xbox.

Bottle Skeet Shooting

Shoot ze bottles.

Saturday, April 16

BW Fantasy Footy

Bet you'd thought we'd forgotten didn't you?

1. Joanne - 1201
2. KG - 1125
3. Mike - 1023
4. Peter - 831

I will not make excuses. But I have the worst luck imaginable this season. But we'll see.


Why the Octopus is amazing.

What are we up to?

It's been a quiet weekend so far, I'm hooked on blogging photos and quotes, Keith tells me has the hangover from hell following a night in Normanby (which he had better stick on here) and an early start at work and Pete is searching for Playboy covers for John "F" Wright apparently.

Looks like another gaming sesh round at Pete's Arcade tonight with much beer, burger and parmo action since we, well me anyway, are skint. Me? Skint? Rare words indeed.

2 weeks today we will have a new Mrs Heaney or is it a new Mr Appleby? The best man, me, has written his speech and it has been given the final seal of approval. I honestly can't wait to get it done.

And that's about it. More later.

Why I still watch the Simpsons

She didn't reckon with the awesome power of the Chief of Police! Now where did I put my badge?...Hey, that duck's got it!

Oh, man, what a day. It's no cakewalk being a single parent, juggling a career and family like so many juggling balls ... two, I suppose.

See ya in court, Simpson. Oh, and bring that evidence with ya, otherwise, I got no case and you'll go scot-free.

All right, you scrawny beanpoles: becoming a cop is not something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge.

Oh, sure. We'd all love some real friends, Marge. But what are the odds of that happening?

I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.

Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the ... uh ... what cures cancer?

This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.

Can't you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can't be policing the entire city!

The Cookie Monster

Real name Sid.

Friday, April 15

Bottom - Still Comic Gold

Richie: What about pin the tail on the donkey?
Eddie: We haven't got a donkey.
Richie: Well er, pin the tail on the chicken.
Eddie: We haven't got a tail.
Richie: Well pin the sausage on the chicken.
Eddie: We haven't got a chicken.
Richie: Well pin the sausage on the fridge.
Eddie: Or a pin.
Richie: Sellotape a sausage to the fridge.
Eddie: We haven't got a sausage.
Richie: Put a bit of Sellotape on the fridge!
Eddie: Not much of game is it.

Seen on last nights episode on UK Gold.

Made Me Laugh

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street today. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?"

I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done."

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be shitting herself.

My grandad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

Thursday, April 14

Mayor Quimby

"Uhh did I just hear a briefcase opening?"

Aint blogged for a while....

So I thought I best get me finger out (Make your own jokes about us there)

After a couple of crazy nights out 2 weeks ago, where we got up to no good, last week I thought I best hold back a little bit, and to be honest it was boring.

Going mental, binge drinking to the extreme, messing around, singing songs, putting things in certain things and not giving a flying fuck is what being young and free is all about.

I want more of it.

Bring on the next night out!

Anyhow, moving on not long now til the owld wedding of the year, it promises to be a corker of day, Mikey seems to have his best man speech sorted, and he is playing it a bit too cool for me, I reckon deep down he is shitting himself.

Just imagine chief, all them people staring at you and expecting to be entertained!!

A few what if's for ya:

  • what if no body laughs at your jokes?
  • what if the mike isn't working and you have to shout?
  • what if people boo?
  • what if people are giggling like little school girls?
  • what if people start heckling?
  • what if your flies are un-done and people notice?
  • what if you pick up your glass to toast the happy couple and you spill your drink?
  • what if you forget your notes?
  • what if none of the above happen and you breeze it?

Whatever happens chief, don't let your public down!!!!!

When I was on my dinner today I popped in Huxsters for a change, and I was informed it was closing down on Sunday for a £100'000 make over, to become one of the Boro's super Bars, well thats how the manager put it anyway!

It's apparently shut for 10 days, and as were giving the town a miss this weekend, it may be open and ready for the next time were out.

This weekend I think were heading on over to Pete's house on Saturday night, for a night of Stella, Xbox, Football and a Parmo. Hmmmm.....Parmo, and Pete has also unearthed a new breed of Parmo, the Hawaiian Parmo, its your bog standard Parmo, topped with Ham and Pineapple, can't wait!

Then on Sunday, its back over to sunny Coulby Newham for an afternoon session of the FA Cup Semi final between Manchester United and Newcastle, and ample amounts of Kronenburg in the Lingfield!

Looking forward to it!

Funky Pong

I managed an amazing 6.

Tuesday, April 12


Me and KG love parmos.

We're sure Mike would as well if he wasn't such a fussy fucker.

In fact, it looks very much like everyone loves our adopted Teesside local dish.

From this parmo related section (not page chiefs, SECTION) on the Beeb Tees website.

Revolutionary Technology

I am delighted to announce that, through the twin miracles of science and technology, we can now see the world through the eys of KG!

Click here for live web-cam-age!

The Ultimate Office Weapon

For those with a lot of spare office time, like us three.

Do not push the red button

If anyone completes it let us know what happens.

Monday, April 11

The Answer

To the question on everyones lips is: "Fucks that going to be next to the Riverside chief?"

Manhattan Gate apparently.

Amazing Mobile Rings

I would be astonished if we don't see these babies on MTV in the not too distant future.

These are sure to be download classics. You'll be hearing these on phones everywhere.

Ring 1

Ring 2 (point your cursor over the guy in the flying helmet)

Brilliant, no?

Mike and KG's Wrestling Equivalents

Of course, these are the Bushwhackers. Their "gimmick" through 25 years or so in the business has been that they are lardheads.

See what I mean?

The Norton Brawler

Pete's joined the WWF.

The BW Language

This week, the days of the week.

Fucking Monday already.
Freitag (Dunno why but it has been "What ya doing this Freitag chief?" for months.)

Sunda - "The Christening"

I'm not gonna fuck about here because it was a pretty long day all told:

12.00 - Church: Wobbly headed priest does fastest Baptism ever seen.

1.00 - Norton Cricket Club: Three Guinness and endless DVRB's plus a right nice bit of buffet-age action. Bit of chat, yadda yadda yadda, blah blah blah, wedding stuff, you know the score chiefs.

5.00 - Random pub in Norton: Pint of 'proper' beer, then a few Irn-Bru WKD's, bit of a peanut fight between the boys, bit of banter, ah how pleasant.

7.00 - Another Random: More beer, Barca v Madrid on the tellies, proper rammed out boozer full of dodgy Stockton geezers.

9.00 - Third Random pub: Oof. Dodgy chaps left right and centre; it was, no doubt, going to kick off. So I drinks me drink nice and quiet and goes for a slash. Comes back and the whole gaff has gone off! People fighting and screaming, throwing punches, and what have you. Time to get out methinks.

10.15 - Hmm, only one outside, best go and find who the wife to be is kicking the fuck out of. Went back in, dragged the wife to safety, got Phil out as well, so we decided to scram before the police turned up.

10.15:01 - Back in the second pub, sits down and gets the breath back. Bloke two tables down gets a mobile out, then announces to everyone that "it's kicking off down the road, coppers there and everything". Drinks downed. Told to get the fuck out of Norton ASAP. Joe Baxi to Coulby, walk back from the garage, nice day had by all.

But I'm not going to Norton again - ever.

Chicago Snoozefest

A quick run down of events on Saturday night.

Taxi there

This bird picks up from A1 Taxis and had the foulest mouth ever heard. For every fuck there was a twat for every twat there was at least two more fucks. Disgusting language. If she picks us up again I'm gonna was her mouth out with soap.

So there was me Keith and Chris, Keiths brother.


It was majorly packed in here for 7.30pm Absolutely full to the brim with Boro lardheads who'd stayed out after the match by the look of. By the look of the batr there was slim chance of getting served so we headed for the Southdale triangle.

The taxi there produced a classic line. Bakers tailoring has just opened on Linthorpe Road and KG asked me, "Been to Bakers yet Bean?"

Now all of us laughed cos we knew what was coming.


"What did ya get?"

"A sausage roll."

How we giggled.

Southfield, Star, Dickens and the House

All four of these were, get in, fruity action, Smirnoff Ice and out. No pissing about. These were the 'get you going' pubs. Nowt major happened. The usual talking bollocks!

Taxi to Yates

This was pretty funny. He was full of himself the driver but was promptly shut up by a superb killer line that I'm so gutted I've forgot. Away KG help us out here. There was a fair few boy racers buzing about the town and the driver thought it would be a good idea to aim for them and pull away. "Ow, chief, pack it in eh?"


Er? Not entirely sure what happened other than downing about 8 bottles of Bacardi Breezer.


It was absolutely chocka in here. There a lot more tit action going on on the dancefloor and KG bought us a shot of green stuff in here which was pretty fucking rank. A couple of VK Blues each which were warm and disgusting. Would have been good in here with half the people in. You couldn't move anywhere.


There was a totally pissed bird on the dancefloor who kept flashing everyone a glimpse under her flowing skirt which was a sight to behold, believe me. Can I just ask KG, where was the camera? More alcopop action and some decent tunage in here.


Does anything ever happen in this place? I have one good memory and that's KG putting on the santa trousers on Xmas eve. I'm not going in here again it's just a non event.


Did we go in here?


Keith got turned away for a checked shirt. Funny as. The "oh well fuck ya then!" look on KG's face was classic.


Really busy in here, it was more alcopops. We'd had at least a dozen now. I was struggling.


Again, more packed than a tin of sardines. Treble vodka red bulls were bought. Some good tunes I think. I can't recall!! Memory was gone now. I remeber downing half my glass before we went which wasn't a good idea.

Walk to Chicago

Spewed all over the place underneath the A66 on Linthrope Rd. Lovely!!

Chicago Rock

There was no way of getting served after waiting in the queue for a good 40 minutes it was just shoulder to shoulder in here. There was an appearance from both KG's grannies which was funny and a classic 30 mins of mega tunes which nearly killed us. Then it got boring and the lack of alcohol sobered us up. Chicago Rock is no more for the Wallet gang.

Parmo Army

KG and Chris just can't say no to Parmo so we waited for ages in here to get them one each.

Taxi home

I preteneded to fall asleep in the front and swing full force into the driver every time he swung left which gave us all a laugh.

I have to say this was one seriously gash night out. Were'nt drunk enough. Chicago was boring and the whole place was too chocka.

I'll give it a pitiful 4/10 just cos it was a good laugh in some bits.

Saturday, April 9

What a Day

A manic day so far and I've still got a last minute arranged night out with Capt. Birdseye, our Granny magnet.

9.00am I had an appointment with the bank to sort out me finances so I gets up extra early to get up the town. Parks up, gets a ticket, walks down only to find a sign in the window, "We will be open Mon to fri normal hours but will be shut on the 9th".

I wasn't happy. I rings Lloyds up and this asian woman answers, Camel Shandra it sounded like her name was. Could she speak English? Could she fuck. I mean away love at least try. I eventually after fifteen minutes of trying to spell my name to her and explain what was happening asked to be put through to someone else. Finally got sorted by a scottish lass who knew what she was doing.

I then went for a haircut at Revolver in Eston. I thought I was obsessed with the Beatles but fuck me it's like the Cavern in here.

Gets in and after just being to Eston was aksed, "Can you take me to Eston please."

Blood pressure was on one this morning. I takes our ma up and she doe sa bit of shopping and sticks the bets on for the National.

Got in from there and then went down Redcar to the rubbish tip (a proper one, not the beach) to get rid of some junk thats been sat in the garden for weeks. Me poor car was dying by now.

I then sat through the wedding. Charles and Camilla? No! Scott and Charlene - there was a re-run on UK Gold.

4.15 saw the Grand National kick off - I had Clan Royal who was storming ahead at the second Bechers Brook jump when a stray horse who had been neck and neck with him for a good furlong managed to run right across Tony McCoy and send him ploughing into the railing. Goddamn!!

Hedgehunter won it and our ma had a 40/1 come in second on an each way bet. Well done.

So, I'm now starting to preen myself for this evenings events. KG owes me still for my geggs so I'll be expecting lots of free booze seeing as I'm totally skint still after my bank exploits. Bastards!

Superb chat up lines for tonight include.

"You look fucking great for 63!"

"Is that your own hair?"

"How's about I walk you back to the nursing home?"

"Edna, such a beautiful name."

Shoot it!

Upload a photo and blow it away!

Thursday, April 7

All Quiet on the Eston Front


The Wallet's quiet this week isn't it? After some inspired blogging to recap the weekend that sad existence of our working lives is sleep inducing.

So chiefs, what's the crack?

I know Capt. Birdseye is full of the sniffles and Pierre is gaming mad and I've been watching the Rambo Trilogy. Don't mock it until you've seen. Part 2 especially, it's genius. Poor gook bloke can't hit Johnny R from 10 yards with a pistol. Sly turns round, stares the poor gadge in the eye, then whilst being shot at, takes out his bow, takes aim and fires an explosive tipped arrow which explodes upon impact. All this after he's just taken out a good 30 soldiers, blown a village up and set a cornfield on fire. "Don't push me!"

I watched Part 3, set in Afghanistan, and it's rubbish.

So, what else?

Well for starters the Walleteers are staying in this weekend and giving the booze and finances a much needed break. Oh and of course the wedding is a mere 3 weeks away this Saturday.

Are the music channels on Sky Digical trying to turn viewers away by insisting upon playing that infernal advert with the goddamned frog and tweety bird. Arrrrghh, just go away! If anyone actually downloads them for the phone they need shooting.

Coming soon to the Wallet as well, "Pete Talks Music (Working Title)" is going to give us a full rundown on music, genres and how history repeats itself and KG is all set to give us a rant on how he can do what he likes with old woman because and I quote, "A tell ya what right chief, a couldn't give a fuck if she's 93, if she wants it she's getting it!"

Monday, April 4

KG's New Nickname

Tottsy's Missing Ingredients

So what did go in Tottsy's pint? For the right price my man, you will find out.

The Usual Suspects Part 2

Keith Groves, interview begins 8.52am, Sunday 3rd April 2005.

"You were in town last night, correct?"

"Yeah I was. What of it?"

"Who was there?"

"Well, I held a pre-meeting first."

"A pre-meeting, what pre-meeting?"

"Dinner, Coulby Farm, me Pete and Mikey."

"Mikey didn't mention it."

"That's cos he ate nothing. Me and Pete we ate a Ranch burger each."

"Ranch burger?"

"Yeah, we love ranch burgers!"

"Then what?"

"We hit the town. Me and Mikey, taxi to the Dickens. Pete showed up then Phil was joined by Moss but he had to go home for the stripper."

"The stripper?!?!"

"The wallpaper stripper! He was decorating. Then Dale and Tottsy showed up, it got too cold outside so we went inside, not before I got a glorious shot of a lovely lady in a floaty summer dress. Boodiful! We went inside and I get a phone call. But, the number was witheld - don't know why. 'Who's this?' I think. It's Stevie, he says he's just going by the Riverside."

"The Riverside?"

"The football stadium."


"Might as well be."

"Go on.."

"At the news of Steven's impending arrival, the boys thought it would be good to get the lad absolutely shitfaced. How many sambuka for £6? A measly two. Mikey stumped up the rest and made it a nice 3."

"Okay, so we can say the Dickens was okay. We know about the Sambuka - it shouldn't have happened but then what happened?"

"Well I thought we were going to the Southfield but Pete was going to the House."

"Who changed their mind?"

"I dunno but I didn't care I just wanted a drink. We got to the House and took a trip down memory lane. Man, I can't tell you some of the stories from Notts - they ain't for retelling. Put it this way, Mikey was playing Connect 4 till 4am and I ain't talking about no board game."

"Who turned up in the House?"

"Russell and Tom."

"This Tom character - tell me more."

"Well, he's never usually out with us but he's a good laugh."

"A bad influence?"


"So after the House. Then what happened? You walked to Lloyds with Dale, Russell and Tom right?"

"No, I was in the taxi. It was hilarious!"

"Why? Was the driver Asian?"

"No he was a little short guy with geggs."

"You got something about glasses? I heard you owe someone for a new pair?"

"News to me officer. To be honest I can't stand speccy people and I let some jackass over the road know! He gave me beef back but I just ate it up! The driver was laughing so hard he stalled the engine! Stevie was giving me and Mikey shit in here too. He saw the "no eating" sign and he was away!"

"Where were you going?"

"We got to Lloyds, I don't know why but for some reason both me and Mikey got the round in."

"Oh so something was happening downstairs more interesting than all the guys that were upstairs huh?"

"Not at all officer, I guess I was just being a deadhead."

"Who was drinking what?"

"Me and Mikey got the DVRB's in and Pete was on Becks."


"Double Vodka Red Bull."

"Oh so you needed energy - to stay awake? To dance the night away? To 'go the distance'?"

"What are you implying officer?"

"Keep talking Groves."

"We guzzled down the Red Bull, I don't recollect much of standing in here, a lot of talking about nothing I suppose. We were all getting well away by now. We then went next door to Yates."

"Yates, you went upstairs right? Why did you leave Stevie and Mikey downstairs?"

"Not entirely sure officer, they thought it was better down there, plus the almighty Amarillo was played. I came downstairs, doing some seriously funky dancing to MC Hammer and then we moved on to Huxters."

"Huxters, yes an interesting part of the night. Lacing drinks with poison - we have the drink in the lab."

"Peters belly button fluff?"

"What else?"

"A handful of ******."



"You sick freaks. What about the woman?"

"You mean the police officer, officer?"

"No the woman on the dance floor."

"Yes, she was a police officer, officer and she was with other police officers, officer."

"And she was getting her breasts out?"

"We had to encourage her."


"9 lads singing 'Get ya tits out, get ya tits out, get ya t...."

"Okay I get it. Let me see your phone. We'll have to get this photo on to your file."


"Moving on Keith, you then went to Barry Cuba."

"No we went to Walkabout."

"But your colleague, Mikey says you went there next."

"We went to Walkabout, we danced our asses off to Rocking all over the World - he requested the song!"

"Funny how he didn't mention it."

"Maybe he wasn't thinking straight when he was answering the questions. Yeah, we all had a good dance in here and then we went to Barry. It was boring as usual, nothing ever happens in this pub and Aruba too, nothing happened in there."

"Then you went to Isaacs right?"

"I did - Mikey went straight to Chicago."

"Oh really."


"How did you get to Chicago?"

"I got in with Stevie and the rest of them. Mikey had been there 15 minutes and still hadn't been served. Then we cracked on the dancefloor."

"This is what I want to hear."

"What do you want to know?"

"Who was the woman. I hear she was born in 1664. A bad year for women a great year for beer."

"Which one....I m...m..."

"There was more than one!!?"

"Yeah so what!"

"I hear she was more than a little intimate. Jeans. Round your ankles on the dance floor!?"

"Blown out of proportion, next question."

"Speaking of blown Groves, tell me more about your repeated requests to test her speaking skills."

"If you're talking about oral ability then that maybe so."

"Disgusting. What else?"

"A fish finger."

"You ate one? I hear Dale ordered chips and you finsihed half the plate but nothing about no fish..."

"No that's what I had after I....."

"Oh my god, you disgust me. CCTV shows that she must have been 55+ and had a face like a welders bench. Jeesh! Now who in gods name was the other woman?"

"I er, she was younger but bigger."

"How much younger?"

"Bout two years."

"Oh my g..."

"Mans got to do what a mans got to do."

"And did you go home with this chick?"

"No, I went home with Tom."

"Home? Who's home?"


"The plot thickens - where's Mikey?"

"He'd gone, he pulled some major league hotty."

"So you went back to poor Stevies house huh? He was asleep, been home hours and you go and wake him. My records show you rang the house 78 times."

"We were cold."

"I don't care. What did you do in his house?"

"We watched countdown and cartoons. Rang Mikey who made the strangest sound ever on a telephone and got asked by Stevie if we were going home at least 40 times!"

"And you finally went home when?"

"I got in at 7am."

"Mr Groves, what I have heard here today sounds to me like you guys are just out messing around, partying, and basically just not giving a fuck."

"Yeah so?"

"What time you out next week?"

Satda - or - the Usual Suspects

Sunday Morning: Mike Heaney sits in South Bank police station. He is being interrogated by a CID detective on last nights events.

"So where did you start?"

"Dickens. Me and KG were there first, then Pete arrived and got the beers in. Then Moss dropped Phil off, Dale and Totsy arrived and we went indoors from the cold."

"The cold?"

"Yeah chief, fucking baltic out there you know, even though I had me sexy blazer on."

"Then what happened?"

"Big Nose rang to warn of his impending arrival, so we quids in-ed the lads and got him 3 sambucca blasts, which he drank when he arrived."

"So then where?"

"The House, loads of Blacky and Notts stories in here chief, Then Big Russ and Tom arrived, few more drinks, then a truly world class taxi to Lloyds."

"World Class?"

"Yeah, little speccy chap sat innocently eating his tea, so Groves gives him 'Ya should gone to Specsavers!' So this bloke goes, dead shaken like, 'Fuck off ya twat' under his breath but you could read his lips a mile off. Taxi driver thought it was so funny he stalled the taxi! So we gave him loads of stick for the journey."

The detective hands Mikey a picture of some CCTV footage of Groves trying to negotiate the steps upstairs in Lloyds whilst carrying three large DVRB's.

"You'd already got the beers in, why did KG get them in as well?"

"Lardhead isn't he? Eh? Throwing it down his neck by then. Might explain what happened later."

"Just keep talking."

"Alright chief, chill ya chips like! So DVRB's, bit of a stand round then a bit of Yates's but they all fucked off upstairs leaving me and Big Nose downstairs. Bit of a write off really."


"Huxters chief, fuckin mega in here, proper ratted hen party, hen got the baps out for the lads as well!"

"Supoib. Forensics ahve turned up samples of a particualarly contaminated drink from the scene. Any ideas?"

"Must have been Totsy's, had about 5 different things in it at one stage. Drank it like, but he drinks beer in South Bank so he's probs used to it. Cracked on to Walkabout then, Tom's mate Guy Cerzoze joined up with our merry little band, just a couple of drinks in here and on to Barry."

"Barry who?"


"Oh right. Packed?"

"Shocking chief. Couldn't get served for love nor money. Eventually we were all sorted, but it's not all it's craked up to be in there, nowt ever happens. Same in Aruba, took ages to get served, then we just fucked off really, all rendezvous'd in Isaacs."

"Must have been cracking on for closing time?"

"Yeah, so we went into the queue for Chicago's. Totsy announced he was off home, so we boxed him in so he couldn't. Let him go eventually like, think he was gonna blub. We all got in and immediately Pete and KG found som party horn things which they were blowing like mad, so we assembled on the dance floor with all the Kronenbourg women."

"Kronenbourg women?"

"Yeah, you know 16 from the back, 64 from the front? Nanna Kournikovas even?"

"I see your point. We have varying eyewitness statements for what happened next."


"Your accomplice Mister Groves? Dirty women?"

"No comment."

The detective hands Mike a forensics report taken from a mysterious stain on Groves' finger. It details the presence of feamle poo.

"That has nothing to do with this inquiry Detective."

"We know, we thought it was funny as fuck as well that's all."

"Anyway, you'll have to ask KG about the rest. I'd er, had a few by then and couldn't really remember."

"OK. I'm satisfied with that. You're free to go. Now get out of my sight."

"Alright chief, chill out will ya?"

Mike walked out of the Police station, but in the back of his mind he knew that there was so much more to tell.

He knew that Pete and KG were still in there, still to tell their story.

He also knew................there was no Guy Cerzoze.

Bit soon? Nah.

Lazenby Blog

Nice blog here from some Boro fan from lovely Lazenby, with a nice line in dodgy Jacko pics and bizarre 'stenders fantasies going on.

Some funny shit on there like, especially the SWP bit on the top.

Sign Him On!

Transfer target for Steve McClaren in the summer:


Sunday, April 3

More top shelf action..........

Slightly easier this one I feel.

Who is it Walleteers?

A prize to the first person to send an SAE to:

It's Chaz you dick compo
BW Towers
The centre of the Universe

Is it me............

.........or has this lady* got a really hairy chest?

Can you guess who it is Walleteers?

* The word lady has been used in the sense of the persons gender, not her etiquette skills.

Friday, April 1

Football Betting

I have unearthed an absolute gem of a Football Betting site.

Its called

It has one feature on the site called the Football E-Coupon, it lists every game for the weekend along with the odds.

You make your selections and it works out which bookies is offering the better odds, and how much your returns will be.

This weekend I fancy a North East 5 timer, with wins for Middlesbrough away at Crystal Palace, Newcastle at home to Aston Villa, Sunderland away to QPR, plus Hartlepool and Darlington are at home to somebody shit.

It has potential returns of around £160 for a £5 stake.

Check it out lads.

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