Thursday, March 31

The Girls Are Away - The Boys Must Play

The Hen Night has arrived for Joanne and the ladies who are off to Manchester for the weekend which means only one thing. It's party time at Merkins house!!

Tomorrow sees us finish off the week at work with a nostalgic trip down memory lane and indeed a Wallet first - Normanby will play host to the Walleteers.

But wait!

KG has revealed he has a works night out planned! Should he stay with the Wallet or should he go? We say show your loyalty KG!!!

Saturday of course sees us not suffering from Friday but merely shaking it off to return to Middlesbrough in a very rare lads night out.

This could be a surprise contender for weekend of the year - and it's sprung from nowhere.

There is no hype to live up to. This could be awesome lads!!

The Evening Gazette

Our local rag the Evening Gazette, gives you the opportunity to place free adverts in the classified section of the newspaper.

So not one to miss out on a chance for the Wallet to spread, I decided to whack a Burnley wallet advert in there.

It read something a little like this

"Hey Chiefs!! want something to blow your mind? Check out"

Baring in mind I only had 16 words to play with.

So all we have to do now is wait for it to appear in the paper. Full pics to appear when available!

Easter "Super" Sunday

Easter Sunday went a little bit like this.

Lift up the town.

Our mam dropped us off for about 5pm, as I got out of the car, I heard a hissing sound, I looked down at the front tyre and the fucker had burst. Nightmare I thought, we rings the AA and waited with our mam for a bit, The AA sorted us out, and we moved on to Lloyds.


We decided on a power drinking session of mighty fine Stella Artois, we supped about 4 pints, Mikey 3 1/2. We were stood downstairs near the bar, which was a spot on location for some awesome views of the ladies upstairs who had very short skirts on. These lardheads next to us ruined it by shouting and wolf whistling at them, so they made a hasty step back away from the balcony. Leaving Lloyds some dick left a pint glass right in the middle of the pavement, me not seeing the glass, walks straight in to it, shedding glass everywhere.

Taxi to Dickens

The driver had just dropped off a pair of puffs, so was chuffed when me and mikey got in, usual talk of stacks of Pussy out tonight isn't the. Yadda Yadda Yadda.


The Dickens was packed and at such an early time, it must only have been 7ish, everyone must have had the same idea as us two, which was go out early and get absolutely twatted. The Dickens is well smart now, ever since it got done out a month or so ago. The lasses in here and spot on. short skirts and big breasts, can't beat it! One particular lass caught our attention, she was sat on the arm of a leather sofa, in a micro skirt, everything was on display! Woo Hoo! Bumped into a few lasses from School who have let themselves go a bit and are not worth a mention on the wallet. After supping 2 bottles of Becks it was onto our next port of call. The Star and Garter.

Star and Garter

It was a top notch start to the night, loads of people out, Lasses wearing next to nothing, alcohol was flowing, then what does Mikey go and do? He only goes and trips over a stool (No, before you ask, nobody had shit on the floor) a bar stool, he managed to stay on his feet but spills Smirnoff Ice over this poor lass, don't think the boyfriend was too happy like, but was he gunna do? Mikey says his apologise and is on his way. Couple of bin lids in the quizzer, bit of bickering over the correct answers, and a bottle of Bud later we were off to the Southfield.


Just as we were leaving the Star, Mikey decides to jump down the wall, and I dont think he judged how high it was to be honest, the poor lad almost broke both his ankles, Nightmare half hor for the beanmeister general.

I was told this yesterday, apparently at the time we went to the Southfield, they were only letting 1 in when 1 went out. We didn't know this and just walked straight in, Mikey got the beer in, and a 2 course meal. A 2 course meal I hear you ask, well 2 bags of Mcoys, but there like a meal, he must have been hungry! We also had our first rendition of Amarillo in hear, its brilliant especially when everyone joins in.

Taxi to House

Yes a taxi to the house!

Was it raining? No,
Was it hail stoning? No,
Was it freezing cold? No,
Where we getting chased by killer Bee's? No.

We were just too darn lazy to walk the 50yards to the next pub. We gets in and the tells the driver the location, the driver nearly crashed when we told him. The easiest £2.20 he has ever made!

The House

As we were going in the House, Jonathan Woodgate, the Real Madrid injury prone Lardhead, he is originally from the Boro. I thought about jettison a boro song going but I then thought better of it. Also bumped into Ste Jennings who is now a England super fan, he was at Old Trafford on Saturday and said he was going to St James on Wednesday. Bottle of Becks I think was drank in here.

Taxi to Blue

Flags a taxi down, and Mikey jumps in the front, he then starts talking in a french accent, I wanted a bit of this meself, wind the driver up a bit, after we said "ow you Inglis say Bleu bar" The driver then recognised we wanted to go to Blue Bar, Several Oui Oui senor laters and we were at Blue. Funniest thing about it was the driver actually falling for it, until Mikey in his best Boro accent goes "Cheers gadge" Funny as.


We gets to blue and I spots an offer on, buy 3 bottles of blue WKD and you got a free Egg Head WKD style wig. See picture of it here. It was an instant women attractor, Lasses kept coming up to me and getting there photo's took. It was certainly up there with Mikey;s wreath on Boxing Day for attention. So I had 2 bottles of WKD and Mikey had the 1.


Went to Walkabout after Blue as it was the nearest, and it was pissing down, as soon as we went in Amarillo was played, so I headed straight for the dancefloor, still with me wig on, this lass grabs me, so I went crazy dancing with her, poor lass didn't know what she was letting her self in for. Mikey got the alcopos in, and I bought us some Guiness Shots - A BW WARNING - dont ever buy them, they were minging, it was like, doing a shot of coffee and cream!


Popped in Huxsters for some VK ice, and met up with Ste Rushby, Reggie and very very very drunk Kempy, he couldn't stand up. I encouraged Mikey to take advantage of poor Kempy and execute some wrestling moves on him. One in particular move is called the F5, Mikey tried to pick Kempy up throw him in the air then power slam him to the floor, unfortunately Mikey couldn't pull it off, but it was a solid effort.

Mikey then tried to do the same to Reggie but Reggie struggled and they both ended up ont he floor! 2 bottles of VK later and it was time to move on.


Ste stayed with us, as we lost both Reggie and Kempy, think Reggie must have took Kempy home, because there was no way Kempy was getting home by himself. Had an orange VK here and generally talked bollocks as we usually do in here. I still had me Egg Head wig on and this lass stood next too us was laughing and joking with us. Mikey turns to her and says "Give KG your glasses, so what he looks like with them on, she agreed and Mikey took a picture, which will appear here later.


Don't have much recollection of Aruba apart from having a Blue VK. Any ideas Mikey?


Again not much recollection, apart from getting more attention from the lasses, Ste bumped into some old work mates and he stayed with them leaving me and Mikey to head to Vienna. Another Blue WKD was the drink.


We queued for what seemed ages, but it was well worth it, Vienna was back to its usually awesome self, some epic tunes, and lots more attention from the ladies, I even convinced one lass to take a picture of me and her mate, then I got her to send me the picture message. We also bumped into Bruce, who is a lad we met through a training course we did years ago, he's also from Normanby, so we had a bit of banter with him. More Blue WKD ( I think thats me fave alcopop) 3 I think and it was time for Chicago.

Walk to Chicago

Nightmare this a tell ya, and it will happen to everyone at least once in there lifetime. I was walking passed the traffic lights on Wilson street, and it was persistently raining and had been doing so for quite some time, hence leaving huge puddles in the road. A bloody van only happened to go passed me and the same time I was walking passed the puddle and you guessed, you have one wet grizzly!

Once we got in Chicago I spent a good 20 mins drying meself on the dryers!

The DJ hit us with some awesome tunes including Amarillo, and sweet Caroline, which was enjoyed by all! The only downside was the that it shut at 1am.


The rain was unreal, fucking drowned, finally got taxi near work, I somehow lost Mikey so it cost us both £15 home.

Class night out - class weekend!

Bring on this weekend, which promises to be a corker!

Wednesday, March 30

Oasis Lyla Lyrics World Exclusive!!

The Wallet has pulled out all the stops and got the first listen to Oasis' Lyla. Here's the lyrics, I couldn't find these anywhere else on the net. Perhaps we are the first!! It's a catchy tune, very very late 60's style.

Calling all the stars to fall
and catch the silver sunlight in your hands
Come for me and set me free
Lift me up and take me where I stand

She believes in everything
And everyone and you and yours and mine
I've waited for a thousand years
For you to come and blow me out my mind

Hey Lyla!
The stars about to fall so what d'you say Lyla!
The world around us makes me feel so small Lyla!
If you can hear me call then I can say Lyla!
Then heaven help you catch me if I fall

She's the queen of all I've seen
And every soul and city far and near
Heaven help my mademoiselle
She'll ring the bell for all the world to hear

Hey Lyla!
The stars about to fall so what d'you say Lyla!
The world around us makes me feel so small Lyla!
If you can hear me call then I can say Lyla!
Then heaven help you catch me if I fall

Hey Lyla!
The stars about to fall so what d'you say Lyla!
The world around us makes me feel so small Lyla!
If you can hear me call then I can say Lyla!
Then heaven help you catch me when I fall

Hey Lyla!
Hey Lyla!
Hey Lyla!
Hey Lyla!

Very Good Friday


Keith's mam dropped us off god love her at the beloved Hogshead, starting point of many a good night and this my friends was no exception.

Having built the mega night up all Thursday at work it was strange to see Emma Cuthbert sat in the Hogs having her dinner has we walked in.

I got the Stellas in and KG gave the fruity a thorough workout.

Another Stell-ois in here and it was on for pub 2..

Lloyds Bar

Fairly full surprisingly but mainly local chiefs/shoppers munching on Lloyds finest. Grabbed a standy up table and were joined by this old gadge who seemed to know every chief and his dog that walked past. "Alright John!" "Alright Billy!"

Not only that, but he also managed to point out that the bookies was closed which saved us a trip. Nice one fella. Lots of laughing at lardhead goths in here with stripey tights on. Lock em up I say.

Following a half of my pint of Stella I pussied out and went for a turbo shandy and finished it off with Smirnoff Ice mixed in. I was of course thinking ahead - it was going to be a marathon!!


This was the next on the list/route. I'd never been in personally and it wasn't half your typical Irish pub. "Guinness KG?" "Oh yes!"

It was vile but you have to don't you in an Irish pub. But what we did next I've never done in any pub was stick a pound each in this stupid "buck Hunting" game where you have a bright orange pum p handle shotgun and try to shoot deer on the screen. Oh and they have to be male ones (Bucks) and not female (Does). Every time KG shot a doe he threw the bastard gun at me!

I absolutely caned the shooting with an awesome 7 maybe 8 bucks killed and as for the bonus rounds - well lets just say I'm on the high score table now. Well chuffed. I managed most of my Guinness anyhow and it was off to the next place - The Crown..

..."What dya mean it's shut!!"..."TS1 it is!"


Got a table and Blue WKD in here. There was a proper psycho bloke who kept staring at us in here. If I'd been drunker there'd have been words exchanged. As KG put it "I should a fucking twatted him!"

Now we were well on the way, this was the beginnning of what I'm now calling the Southfield Triangle, what with all the pubs forming a triangular shape. Sad? Yes. Catchy. It will be.

Dickens Inn

Drinking in a beer garden, and a top quality beer garden as well. KG was sticking with the lager, I think whereas I was caning the Smirnoff Ice still. Lots of rabbitting on about nowt in here and the usual trying to work out 'what did we do last Good Friday?' Next pub please!!

Star and Garter

Anne Robinson was caned in here. Not literally but hey she had all the right buttons pressed by us two general knowledge masters. We won a few quid on here. Again more alcypops and lots of arguing over when to 'bank'. Sad but true. When we came out of here, the fresh air hit me and I was well gone now.


Do you know, I can't recall much of this one. I think we sat outside again in the setting sun of Middlesbrough, a marvellous site to behold. It was getting nippy mind, so we didn't hang about. We decided to stay in the cold however and sat outside...

The House

..for our next couple of drinks. A couple of DVRBs each and I invented a song out of nowhere. Not before these two lasses walked past and called us racists! Not a clue.

Don't ask me the tune to the song but it just grew and grew with KG using the slats of the picnic bench we were sat at to keep time and give it a beat, it goes a little something like this....(bear in mind as each new word was added, I was adding it to an unsent item on my phone which I am now using to transcribe it back - technology - wicked.)

Cos he's a bonafide, electrified, modified, certified, hydrafied, classified, terrified, satisfied, paralysed, circumcised, supersized, hairdyed - lardhead.

I know, it's bollocks, but try it when your pissed - it's genius. This continued all the way in to the dead...

Blue Lounge

Where the last few words of the above were added. It was dead in here but we didn't care. More booze please. Knocked away a couple more Alcypops in here and it was into a taxi for Lloyds. KG had been texted by Ahdal, who I have failed to mention saw us a few times and gave us a beep in his shit hot white Nissan Micra, who said he'd meet us in Lloyds.

Taxi to Lloyds

Usually this is genius - I don't recall any of it.

Lloyds Bar

Looked all over for Ahdal whilst supping some more DVRB's. He was nowhere to be found so we went next door.


Ahdal showed up with Lisa, his lady in tow. It was fruity city for the next few hours! Town was very quiet like for Good Friday it has to be said so there wasn't much else happening. We had a few Bacardi Breezers in here.


It was busy in here as always, full of lardheads dancing to mega tunes on the 3 foot dancefloor. I 'inside pocketed my drink' before we headed to...


I got to the bar and got KG a drink (a blue something or other), I already had the one from Huxters. Made the mistake of plonking it on the bar. Was swiftly told "you can't have that in here, drink it or bin it please". Down in one!! Oh man, my guts did not like it one bit. I flew down the stairs and spewed big style. The poor gadge who gives out aftershave was deeply concerned but I gave him a big hearty spew covered handshake!


We went in here next. Typical Barry Cuba I'm not sure what happened!! KG will fill us in.


Down the road to Flares, we stood and admired the 40+'s dance moves in Reflex. Shite!!


It was dead in here, Ahdal sprung from nowhere again after we lost him (in Walkabout I think). I stared into space and KG and Ahdal caned the fruity! After leaving, I suggested a bit of lapdancing action. Why not eh?


Treat ourselves to two of the lovely ladies each. Phew!! Red hot man, highly recommended. not as good as Redcar like.

Chicago Rock Cafe

So onwards to end the night in big style in the world beating Chicago Rock nightclub. KG pulled a nice little piece of work and blew it by leaving her alone for this huge monstrosity of a bird! Whats going on KG? Mind you it was two more than I managed! I think I was fairly sober by now. I was getting attention from a seriously old woman but I just wasn't having it. Christ, I must have been sober!! Some class tunes in here, Amarillo, Quo, Oasis, Queen, you name it. A top class laugh and the best most needed glass of water ever.

Time for home. But not after a parmo eh?

Taxi Home

Managed to get one not long after leaving the Pizza shop. I was asleep most of the way home. After KG was dropped off, the driver pulled out a classic, warning me to look after KG's eating habits - "He looks obese you know!"

For that I'm giving the night out an extra 1/2 mark. An almighty 9.5 out of 10 - a mega night and an awesome way to kick off Easter weekend.

Monday, March 28

Have you got a WKD side?

Murky has. She was viciously mugged by at least 7 of Mr WKD's finest troops in the Lingfield Farm, leading to this "Where the fuck am I?" look.

this game.

Will make you want to twat the computer screen in pure frustration!

Try it here!

Sunday, March 27

Happy Easter!!!

Happy Easter indeed readers, hopefully you've received plenty of Eggs and had a good fry-up for breakfast and not forgotten just what Easter Sunday is all about. Getting minced down the town because it's a Bank Holiday tomorrow!

Myself and KG stayed in yesterday and gave up on the original three day plan. Day 1 was simply too much. 18 pubs and 25+ drinks, the full rundown coming soon...including a brand new Burnley Wallet song/tongue twister, a game of this, a spewing sesh in Walkabout, a bit of lapdancing and of course Amarillo!

Saturday, March 26


Ooh, Look, we've got another guestbook thingy from Brian the Porn King!

He leaves us a particularly fruity link, and a little message. Aw, bless. This time he said (and I quote) :

Awesom website. Very impressive. Looks like you guys are having a great time. I'm very proud of you. - look at my free collection of beuty and passion

Methinks he should spend less time with the nudey photos and more time with a dictionary, don't you? Lardhead.

Friday, March 25

How much of a teessider are you?

Take the test here.

Thursday, March 24


Just watch it here!

Latest technology

For Anti Theft devices for cars.

May be worth investing eh lads?

For people who hate there bosses!

I know at least one person who hates his boss!

Just picture it chief!

Are you a splasher?

I managed 2 and half pints.

Try it here.

Classic TV.

Today, as you can probably tell as this is me 4th blog of the day, am off work.

What with the long Easter weekend approaching, I thought, Fuck it I'll take Thursday off as well.

So I gets up at around 9.30am, and sticks obvious channel of Sky Sports News (408) on. now after an hour or so, you do tend to get a bored on this, and your thumb is itching to flick through the other 700 or so other channels.

Upon doing this I uncovered some real Gems.

First of all there was "The Joy of Painting", with a bloke called Bob Ross , who has the worlds best Afro and beard combo, and paints awesome pictures. I think it was originally filmed back in the 70's or 80's but its still going strong today.

Next up came, Classic Eastenders on UK Gold, wasn't really a classic, but its Eastenders and still compulsive viewing.

Now it was the turn of the Quiz show, how about this for a line up, Wheel of Fortune, followed by Bruce's price is right, followed by Catchphrase. My personal fave has to be wheel of fortune, bring it back I say. Cos I want to go on that show.

To bring you bang up to date, I have just finished watching Robot Wars, another classic TV show. IT was the series where CHAOS 2, who's owner was that posh, gingered haired twat from Oxford, was just awesome.

Am off to watch Dr Quinn Medicine women!

Peter Kay.

Peter Kay smears Teesside's traditional dish on their lasses vibrator.

Is this the way to Parmo Dildo?

The summer is nigh...

and that can only mean one thing.

The BW Olympics is close.

I have been caining the snooker table, in preparation for that specific event, and I think the three of us are heading down the Pitch and Putt at Prissick tomorrow morning, in preparation for the golf.

Mikey suggested a spelling competition, just so he could win one event.

So the confirmed events we have so far are

  • Snooker
  • Golf
  • Darts
  • Pool
  • Chess
  • Draughts
  • Cross bar challenge
  • 10 yrd bucket challenge

Plus I believe were off to watch a bit of Cricket, hopefully either an England Test match or One Day International at Chester Lee Street and a trip to Croft to see some Motorbikes at Darlington.

More events and activities to be confirmed.

The Burnley Wallet Boro Brick??

Us 3 Chief's at the Wallet, are always thinking of new ways to establish the Burnley Wallet as the best damned Internet site, in the world. Ever.

So when our Glorious football club, decided to introduce a BORO BRICK ROAD, we decided that the Wallet needed a piece of that.

The concept is that an area just outside the main entrance to the Riverside Stadium, will be relayed with personalised message from the fans. The Boro Brick Road will lead right up to the old Ayresome Park gates, which have been restored, and are due to the erected outside the Stadium.

All that is left now is what our message should read.

What about "Come on Boro, from the 3 Chief's at the wallet"

Leave your suggestions here.

Tuesday, March 22

Mothball Footy

JFW also mentions this fine game in his guestbook entry; it was Mothball because the ball was always a cheap market type, with red and white panelling, which would disintergrate upon sight of a pair of Hi-Tec trainers.

The rules were thus:

  • Sides could be anywhere between 2 v 2 up to a totally ludicrous 35-a-side encounter, complete with "rush" goalkeeper (see below), 5 goal head starts and entire school fields used as the playing area.
  • Rush goalie was when the keeper was allowed to come out of his box and play as a normal outfield player; but hang on, that happens in normal footy dunnit? But anyhow, it was clearly an advantage. Wasn't it?
  • Usually half decent players will no doubt go into their shell and defend their six yard boxes upon the appearance of a "hard" lad, for fear of scuffle-age.
  • Sides could be reduced by Mothers blessed with UEFA coaching badge A calling their boys in for tea, or going to Grandmas. The balance could be redressed by asking lads walking past if they fancied a game. Which they did.
  • No free kicks or penalties for any offence. Fouls were greeted with "Get up ya Fanny" and handballs denounced with "No, fuck off, I'm in goal now aren't I?"
  • A small child anywhere between 4 and 9 was legally obliged to play, and be half decent with it.
  • The ball will be classed as over if the goalkeeper fails to reach it with a minimum of stretching. And I mean like a yawn would make you stretch.
  • Throw ins are replaced by half hearted defenders not being arsed to run that far after yet another tricky be-tracksuited shoplifter.
  • Arguments can be resolved by the offer of "Goal or penalty", and no self respecting child would pass up the chance of leathering a ball at a weak framed sprog from twelve steps would they?
  • The ball may just fuck off home at any point, along with the sprog who brought it. Back to the life of crime eh?
Full rules for "Heads, Volleys, Kick up the arse" coming soon chiefs, along with the spicy curry version so hated by JFW.

Groves v Groves

If you've read the guest book lately (and I'm sure you have) one of my old school "mates" has determined that his "Groves" is better than our "Groves"; well, we would like to test the theory please, Mister JFW.

We would back our Groves as he is a fine physical specimen, at 6' 3" and weighing in at, er, more than he should.

So come on other Groves, lets see what you're made of!!

Rant for the Month

There's no mystical reason for the lack of quality moments in the Town lately, it's just purely down to familiarity. The 2 chiefs trek the same steps between the same 8-10 pubs every week without fail.

And it's bound to get weary at some point.

Let's say, for example:

Blue Lounge

Then either Walkabout or Chicagos. Not the stuff dreams are made of. Surely you can set your watch by them. These are, by definition, difficult pubs to have a laugh in, as they stifle conversation and limit you to such classics as comedy dancing, or drinking ludicrous drinks very fucking quickly. And it's fucking hard work being funny when no-one can hear you.

I so much preferred sitting in the Coulby Farm the other night, with the bar next to you, bit of light music, and some top notch banter between the lads. There were more laughs in one hour in the coulby than there were in 6 hours on Satda.

Notice how all of the 'Classic Wallet Moments™' all stem from the taxi rides either between pubs or on the way home, due to the fact you can speak to the fucker sat next to you without having to blast gallons of saliva into his ear.

So divvent fret about 'Classic Wallet Moments™', they will come in the fullness of time. But not at the rate young Mikey seems to expect them.

We're not the Marx brothers you know.

All Talk

We do hype these nights out up quite a bit you know. If anything it's to get the mundaneness of work out of our systems and to get oursleves psyched up into a frenzy of thrill seeking, lager swilling, shot snorting antics that we aim to achieve each and every week for our and your pleasure.

But lately, the magic has simply just not been there. There have been glimmers of hope, dancing with CRC's manageress whilst Amarillo was on, dancing on the table in The Keys and KG 'dying in the taxi to Yates'. These were the moments that were happening on a much more frequent basis before Xmas.

So what's happened?

Have we lost our touch? Has the Wallet just gone soft? Or are we just not trying hard enough?

KG and myself have held a meeting (a few exchanges of texts anyway) and we've promised a full on spellbinding mission around Middlesbrough which will see a Wallet moment in every pub, taxi and bar and it most definitly will be a weekend to remember.

We have three days preparation to conquer our demons, put all negative thoughts out of our minds and get focussed on a three day bender.

The sun is shining on Boro again and The Wallet is coming out to play!!

BBB in the Boro

The Birthday Bash Bonanza went down on Saturday and I went down with a cold today bless me.

Here's the story...

Mr Heaney took us up there for 6.30ish and dropped us at the bank to get some much needed readies for a blitz on the town.

Where to start though? Hogs? Nah. Lloyds? Nah, sick of it. Yates? Nope, meeting in there aren't we. How's about Southfield Road eh?

So we strolled up Linthorpe Road in the glorious setting sunshine. Summer is finally here at last.


Quiet in here, early doors warm ups mean quiet pubs and chit chat but it also serves the purpose of getting us in the party spirit. A Carling each in here which was disgusting and watched the Rugger on the Plasma screens. Middlesbrough is quickly becoming rugby land and somethings got to be done to stop it. Didn't stop long with the duff lager. That's duff as in rubbish and not Mo's Tavern of course.

The Dickens Inn

It's a smart looking pub this outside and now inside. Chilled out in the posh leather couches 'TV Area' but were dissapointed at yet more rugby - this was a different match for Christ's sake. I know it was Norwich v. Bolton but any footy is better than this! KG had been out most of the afternoon and was tanked up already and felt rough. As a result he was pussying out on Corona and Lime whilst I continued with the pints. Lost out on the fruitees, it was The Hulk and it certainly made me angry the green twat. Moving on up the road to....

The Star and Garter

"Quizzer chief?"

"Oh yes!"

Sad I know but it's worth it while it's quiet. A quick few goes on Millionaire and that bastard tarrant was pulling out all the wrong questions. Lets give Anne Robinson a go on the Weakest Link. Highly recommended gaming chiefs. We clocked an almighty score on most of our goes but he Star and Garter must have set the prize money targets too high. Didn't win a penny. Therefore there was much arguing between us! "Ow fatty, ya dick - you should of banked."

The Southfield

Oh wait, didn't go in here it's gotten so poor. It was clocking on for 8pm - meeting time in Yates for the softcore of the group.

Taxi to Yates

"Da dan dannan dannan dannan dan dan da, baby give it up, give it up, baby give it up!!!"

Asking the driver who sang this classic on the radio was met with "Er some coloured chap I think."

"Was it Aswad?"

"Yes I think it was."

It was obviously KC and the Sunshine Band as I've just had a look on the net.

The driver was a bit of a boring bastard anyhow so into Yates we went...

Yates meet nobody. Unfashionably late eh?

Jodie and Gary arrived first followed by Phil and Emma, Pete, Jo, Russ, Emma and Dale and then eventually Stevie and Claire (a surprise appearance!).

KG was bought a multitude of shots and after a mental one (double Aftershock and something I think) he made the ten metre dash to the loo to give something back to Yates!

I blagged a free test tube for him or I may have just ignored the request for payment, I can't really remember! KG was well on the way now!! Jo was left well alone - she gets totally monged without shots anyway!!

"Away chiefs, Hogs?! get Mikeys shots back"


My blagging abilities paid off yet again and I got a tenners worth of shots for nowt and KG and Jo polished off 6 and 4 of them respectively. Ouchee!! Very little else happened of note in here I don't think. Mebs KG and Pierre can fill us in?

A heated debate on where next kicked off. "Am not going to fucking Blue, it's gash!" I heard at least three people say but we went anyway bypassing Huxters (one of Boro's liveliest nightspots).


Again it was subdued, Boro is getting a bit quiet these days. The bit I recall in here is Steview and Russell's ingenius plan to soak KG in the bogs by hiding in the cubicle. It totally backfired when KG came in as he simple put his foot on the inward opening door! The beautiful Kroenbourg Blanc was sampled by some of the crowd - it's well worth trying if you haven't already. So, where next?


It was packed in here. Pete nearly got minced at the bar for pushing in, I made the apologies! More general banter - wish I could remeber more of the conversations - some of them are classic. Tape recorders soon I think.

Everyone supped up in quick speed in here before we were mugged from both sides outside by Moss and his band of merry men and Reggie, Parksy and Kempy.

Moss was off to Aruba and they all stood and talked and whilst sobernees was kicking in in the cold air. "Fuck this, going to Flares!!" was the inspired cry.

Flares Queue

"Away, Aruba!"



It was packed in here, I was abused at the bar by some ladies who will remain nameless!! Well I don't know one anyway!! Again, quick drinking before moving on to...

Chicago Rock

A fair bit of dancing in here with the old, and I mean old women before the best bits of the night. Whilst in the dining area we are all acting the goat and as waitresses/bar staff walked past it was decided to link in a circle around them and dance like fools! Great fun!! Until the manageress came over and issued a warning just as Amarillo was coming onto the speakers. You don't expect to chill out with this on do you? So, me and KG preceded to sing, dance and get the manageress to join in with us - I'd give a months wages for footage of it. Rib achingly funny.

Much more dancing took place and everyone went their separate ways. Myself and KG were left at the end and went home just before closing.

After a long walk on aching feet to the A66 sliproad - home to the returning taxis - we managed to flag the very same one that brought us home two weeks ago from pete's Home Stag do.

KG gave us a fabulous rendition of Tom Jones' Delilah when Raymond (The driver - we're on first name terms now) admitted to liking the Welshman best of all.

I got in for 2.30ish from what I'd sum up as a good night, a very good laugh but just not wild enough.

Bring on the Easter Weekend.

Monday, March 21

Failed car maker DeLorean dies

If he reached 88, do you reckon he would have gone back in time?

Motion Induced Blindness

Top notch illusions here.

Scott Blake - Bar Code Art

Damned cool.


Surfer canes one seriously big wave.

Retail Alphabet Game

Between us, what can we get? Leave your answers in the comments.

Friday, March 18

Suicidal Monkey

He's just having a laugh isn't he? I was praying for them to catch it.


Go Jo-Jo, it's your birthday,

Gonna party like it's your birthday,

Gonna drink Red Square like it's your birthday,

You know we don't give a fuck cos it's your birthday!

(Thankyou 50 Cent. Again.)

Big Birthday shout out to the lovely Joanne, who is 28 today!

Best wishes from all at ze Wallet, Chief-ette!

Thursday, March 17

Is this the way to Amarillo?

Watch Peter Kay's video here!

Wednesday, March 16

The Burnley Wallet

It may have been quiet for a week or so, thanks to Blogger being a cunt.

But were back and back with a bang tonight, some Brilliant, Classic and Inspirational blogging tonight Chief's.

Lets keep it going!

Are We Ready?

Birthday Bash Bonanza - this weekend!!! I can't wait now that my new glasses are on, my body has recovered (although my wallet hasn't) and we are just two days away from one of the nights out of the year.

Saturday was devastating but,

Do we moan?

Do we talk about it forever?


We move on to new exciting challenges, new frontiers, new boundaries and by God we smash straight through them for the next big thrill, carving our names into folklore and into the hearts of the Middlesbrough public.

So if your not with us this Saturday or right behind the boys raising hell, creating catchphrases and singing stupid songs then we don't want to know you!

BBB not only stands for Birthday Bash Bonanza it stands for Bravery, Boldness and Bravado - three words that sum up the fighting spirit of the Wallet.

Middlesbrough, watch out - you only saw the warm up last weekend.

We return in full flight this Saturday.

Tony M

The song goes a little something like this...

Tony M!! Tony M!!
Tony Tony M!!
His jackets brown,
His belly's round,
Tony Tony M!!

Tony M!! Tony M!!
Tony Tony M!!

He's got no hair
But we don't care
Tony Tony M!!

Tony M!! Tony M!!
Tony Tony M!!
He needs a piss
So giz a kiss
Tony Tony M!!

Which is sung very loudly, very poorly and until someone, usually Tony, smacks us.

BW Goes for it in Yarm

The three Walleteers and bunch of others landed in Yarm two Saturdays ago and since Blogger can be a fussy fucker at times this is what happened...

Chaufferred Over There

KG's next door neighbour Andy kindly took us over there in his Merc which was a nice comfy ride over. Me and KG being total lardheads we got there for 4.30pm - a good three hours before anyone else turned up.

The Blue Bell

We got in the manadatory starting point in Yarm, The Bluebell and got the pints in. KG caned the fruity (but of course) and won very little if anything. I got some scran in and the conversation ebbed and flowed and covered mainly the reasons why we didn't get Pete a stripper and if this was going to be a cack night out - it being Yarm and all.

Boredom and Phone Calls Windups a plenty

Boredom got the better of us after a while and out came the phones for some serious wind up phone calls. Two of my mates were given the Ann Summers helpdesk treatment - "Hello, yes you reported a faulty Rampant Rabbit on Tuesday...." and some others were given the Child Support Agency..."Please ring this number to discuss your case and arrears."

Tried Pete with a few but he tried pulling one off himself with the Last Night of Freedom t-shirts. We played along and were hoping to turn the wind up round on him and Stevie but we were all just far too clever for our own good and no-one fell for it.

The Lads Arrive

Between sort of 7ish to 8 everyone arrived in dribs and drabs, firstly all the boys from Pete's works and then Tony M (who tells me he is now fully birded up) and then finally Phil, Phils Dad, the Merkin and Pierre who was bought a round of mega drinks including a Double Aftershock. By this time me and KG had knocked away 7 pints of Fosters!

Pete pussied out and made me drink the Double Aftershock. Ouchee! It was not what the doctor ordered.

The Ketton Ox

We all shifted on over the bridge and on to the main high street to the above. It was fairly packed in here but we found a little alcove. Pete was bought two, maybe three sambukas and simply polished them off without flinching. Inspiring work Pete. I grabbed a Smirnoff Ice in here and the Aftershock was screaming to be let loose.

Union Arms

We managed to get in here just, again it was standing room only. Merkin and Pete played a round of table footy with these lasses which was genius at times especially when they scored. The best congratulatory hugs you've seen. Pete nearly crushed the poor lad! I was well gone now and a small outbreak of the Tony M Song (I'll post it soon) was breaking out.

The Black Bull

Next pub on the route was Yarm's famous Black Bull pub. Bit of a shithole but hey it was there. A full rendition of "Tony M!!" broke loose which was damned funny. Some of the lads were chatting up the old duffers or threatening them - I couldn't tell.

The Keys

Anyway! We ended up in here, lost Pete and his work buds. I had a bit of a dance on one of the tables and was kicked off by KG. Phil and Stevie were with us at that point I think before Tony M came and told us they were already in the nightclub.

Queued for what felt like an hour before paying the huge sum of £7 for what is no more than a school disco full of bonafide lardheads. There was no singalong tunes and it was all your funky mnkey look at us aren't we cool music so it got a bit stale in here.

Me, KG and Phil headed off to Boro!! Hoorah!!

Taxi to Chicago

I don't remember any of this. KG - any memoirs?


Got in the queue. I gave KG £20 to pay us all in before the bouncer tells us "Last one in!"


I was reassured that meant for now but was given me money back anyway and we all managed to get in.

There was a seriously old biffer who was mauled by me and KG. KG spent the whole night looking for her when she dissapeared. Leave it out chief!!

Had a good old sing song to the classics, KG chatted up a 40+ year old he used to live opposite and I was monged in the middle of the dancefloor.

It got on for 1.55ish and KG was Marvellous Marvin (Starving) so he went for his usual daily parmo. It was hard work in the Pizza shop - he had the stereo on full whack. One major headache was developing.

Taxi Home

Don't recall much of this except for just about the last five minutes where me and KG started arguing at a full on scale just to wind up the driver who was pleading for us to stop. Pulled into my house and KG clipped me round the head. I gets out, opens KG' s door and ploughs into him. Poor driver couldn't take the pace!!

"Only winding ya up chief!!!"

It was a classic night out, Yarm delivered but Pete was let off the hook again. We'll get him good style yet!!!

Go - go - go - go

Go KG, it's your birthday,

We're gonna party like it's your birthday,

Gonna sip bacardi like it's your birthday,

You know we don't give a fuck cos it's your birthday!

(Thankyou 50 Cent)

It's KG's birthday everyone, so please come and find us in Middlesbrough on Saturday night to wish him many happy ones and maybe even give him a birthday kiss (especially the laydeez)!

Looking forward.....

This coming Saturday night, both myself and Joe are having a joint Birthday Bash Bonanza. Which I have now dubbed BBB.

Its me birthday today actually and Joe's on Friday, so all us chiefs and selected guests are heading on down to The Mecca of nights out, that we call Middlesbrough.

It promises to be one hell of a night out, I plan to consume ample amounts of alcohol and make a fool of my self!

Me and Mikey (The Hardcore amongst us) will no doubt be starting at some ridiculous time, probably around dinner time. Then no doubt the more wise and sensible ones will turn about 7ish.

I also heard a vicious rumour that we were going to start round Pete and Joe's house for Tequilla Slammer races. But everyone knows who would win that. And we all know who would be in bed for 9pm. So lets leave the Tequilla well alone!

I now can't wait roll on Saturday night, buy me and Joe lots of drinks and we'll see ya there!

P.S If we go to the Hogs, don't let Mikey buy a stupid Guiness hat!

A Spectacle of Ourselves

KG and my good self hit the town on Saturday....

Lift There

Me Dad took us up, itching to get out we managed to wangle a lift for 4.45 and ended up in...


...for 5ish. Stuck a tenner into the Roulette game each, so £20 between us and won a further £12.50. We then stuck a load of bets on with our winnings for the Man U match to make it a bit more interesting to watch.

Lloyds and The Gay Lardhead

Alll the tables were full in here so it was a case of really cricked necks watching the game. After getting the stellas in this bonafide lardhead who'd obviously had about 8 pints too many came over and starts talking absolute shit to us at the bar.

"Where'd you get your clothes from?"

"Do you watch football all the time?"

KG wasn't happy, he gave him a "Yeah I do, I watch it all the time."

"I'd rather eat a fuicking pot noodle" says the lardhead.

"Well why dont you go and have one chief?"

Man U were 2-0 up at half time and one of the bets were on. The divvy dissapeared, KG hammered the fruity and I found a table for the second half.

KG also went for a burst and was followed in the bogs by none other than the bent twat!! I'll let KG explain this one for us!!

Anyways, match over, 4-0 to Man U and 4 Stellas for us. We shifted on outside to grab a taxi and headed for...

Dickens Inn

It's smart in here now, loads of posh chairs and lighting. Very snazzy. We chilled out in here and watched the Man U highlights in a bit of comfort. One seriously shit view in Lloyds to be honest!! KG is hooked on his fruitees and was caning it again. I was feeling it now - Stella knocks me sideways. I'm staying away from it next week. We drank up in here and had a walk up the road to...

Star and Garter

It was fairly empty still but it was still early. We had a few goes on Millionaire with some fucking hard questions I tell you! I grabbed a Smirnoff Ice and KG had a Becks . Didn't win one bin lid from it. Bitterly dissapointed we were off to pub 4...


It was dull in here. KG caned the fruity and I sat outside I was that bored. I needed to clear my head a bit anyway. After laughing my arse off at KG walking round the pub looking for me I went in and got him and we flagged a taxi deciding to miss out Blue and go straight to Yates.

Taxi to Yates

This was easy the funniest part of the night. The driver was smoking and KG opposed to it. "I can't breathe mate, God ya killing us!!"

We then went on and coughed our lungs up as hard as possible and the driver was pissing himself. I turned round and KG was 'dead' on the back seat but giggling furiously.

"Chief, ya alright mate?"

"Fucking hell driver yav killed KG!!"

I turns back round to him pissing himself giggling. I've never seen a taxi driver so happy. You had to be there.


We got in here and were both trollied. Got the Red Squares in and the phone came out. We were singing down the phone to Clairesy Merkin at one point and left a tasteless voicemail on Stevies phone. Some good tunes on in here and a decent crowd for once. We had a few in here as it was still early and we were just getting warmed up although we were both minced by now.


We walked up round the corner and found ourselves in here. All the barmaids had on these Green and Black Guinness hats. "I'm getting me one of those!!"

I ordered in the mandatory 10 shots for £8 which always sends us right over the drunken edge and asked for a hat.

The barmaid says I had to buy two guinness shots and then I could have one. Fair dos. I puts it on my head and KG pulls it down. Disaster. The lardhead only broke my glasses in half didn't he!!

Being as blind as a bat it spelt the end of the night and the taxi home could ended in major league bloodshed if the driver hadn't stopped the Stevie Wonder gags in time.

Severly gutted. It was shaping up to be an absolute stonker of a night but accidents happen and there's always next week. I can't wait for it now!!!

Sunday, March 13

One seriously hard, mad bastard!

The 3 of us could take him tho!

Yeah Right!


Build a tree - my best so far is 23.9 ft. Very addictive.

You Can't See Me!!

Following last nights escapades in the town me and Keith were home for 9.30pm and with broken glasses too. The full story soon!!

Friday, March 11

It's Fun To Smoke Marijuana

Crazy Backwards Lyrics

SegPlay Choose

Paint by Numbers!

Saturday in Nottingham

Wake Up

Cheeky bastards outside Lloyds picking the bottles up gave us all an uncalled for early wake up. I must have got a good two hours sleep and snored me head off according to KG.


Struggled downstairs for breaky, a bunch of spicey sausages and crispy bacon. Weren't bad like, shoved a load into me and got a bit more awake for the day ahead. In walks Phil...

Parking Ticket

"Now lads, got a parking ticket, the display ticket wasn't on correctly." £30 as predicted.


After a lot of walking about to shops for Lucozade and clearing our heads, we eventually managed to get into the bookies for some serious action. Pete and Keith put on a huge sum of money on Famrer Jack, the red hot tip that KG had been carrying all week. I also joined in on the old Roulette and came away with a nice £92 between me and KG. Excellent way to start the day.


Me and KG caught up with Pete, Dale, Russ and Richard in Lloyds for an early morning coffee/orange squash before we all convened in the hotel reception and set off for the 4 x 4's.

The Long Way out of Nottingham

The traffic coming out of Nottingham was unreal (well once we got going the right way after some of the best illegal driving maneuvers ever carried out in a 14 seater mini bus). Some poor bint's wheel had fallen off mid-drive and caused a two or three mile tailback. Whilst sat in this jam out came the Tits Out signs. Mad fuckers!!

4 x 4's

We got there five minutes late - amazing considering the traffic. The eyes of the lads all lit up when they saw the huge ramps, huge puddles and hugely huge 4 x 4's. Myself, KG, Russ and Dave got left out as the other six jumped in to the two Land Rovers. We waited in an absolute tin-shed bored to tears itching to smash up a 4 x4 each.

At one point we thought once one driver has been round once, they'll let one of us four in but, oh no, they simply swapped and we waited a good 40 minutes before even getting in.

I got in with KG and Dale. Dale went first and one seriously gay bloke took us round the track. Me and KG subjected him to a endless list of pointless questions and impressive jobs. "Oh, I design housing schemes." and when asked, "So what do you drive then?" I gave the sarcy "Oh a Fiat Punto, it's a lot bigger than this."

I finally got behind the wheel and although it was decidedly controlled, slow and as safe as houses it was still enjoyable. I just wish I'd ragged the arse off it now.

Once everyone had a whizz, well I say whizz more of a very slow roll round we gave our thanks and headed for home. Everyone was pretty knackered now.

Lloyds Ablaze

Found a space following some excellent driving again - he made it look like a mini at times and walked back up to the hotel to find Lloyds, our local on fire!

Close your windows very quickly was the cry. It stunk all over the place.

The Bookies

The race was about to kick off. Come on Farmer Jack!! A few of us stuck another tenner on it, such was Keith's conviction in the horse.

Farmer Jack

It only romped home didn't it?! We won a small fortune between us and....


...blew most of it trying to win again on the roulette. Me and Moss were particularly stung out of about £40.

The Priory Serves up a Monster Burger

Time for tea and this place served up a delight. I ordered a double burger with bacon on. I received a plate which had a skyscraper on it and a mountain of chips. Boodiful. Notts was pretty damned good for grub.

The French Dish

There was this french bint serving in The Priory, which is where we went for tea by the way and she was bonkers. She was sevring our dinner and watching the France vs Wales rugby at the same time and every pass, tackle and cheer was met with a string of French obscenities! Mad bint.

We all got a split up after this, KG, Pete and the Millers went for another pint and to get settled in for the match (Man U vs Portsmouth) and me and Richard went for a wonder.

Looking for Faces

We had asked the receptionist for directions to Faces. This was the nightclub we'd been given free entry for you see. So we set off and walked around for ages and couldn't find it. I saw a building that looked a bit like it but had no signs on it. Got back to the hotel and said we couldn't find it (having looked since I've been home we were very very close) she told us not to bother because it was shit!

The Free Tickets

She then pulled off a blinder and gave us ten free tickets to Works. There is a God and she works at the Comfort Hotel.

The Man U First half

Moss, Dave, Phil and Michael were smoked up the eyeballs in their hotel room, so me and Richard joined the rest in the Hogshead for the Man U match. It was pretty dire so we set off back to the hotel.

The Meaningless Wind-Up

On the way back, Phil rings up Keith and says we've only booked the hotel for one night and have to pack up and leave!! I've never wealked so quickly in my life. I had a long chat with the receptionist and it was all sorted.

I thought it was going to be the wind up that got us all back to the hotel and got Pete shaved, stripped and scarred for life but I think they bottled it.

Getting Ready

After that excitement everyone chilled for a couple of hours and got ready for the night out.

The Priory

Started out in the Priory for a Corona and Lime. Some of the ten looked like shit and were feeling the pace. I felt fine personally. even the beer king KG was pretty ill.

Hard Rock Cafe

Moved on up a different road and struggled to find a pub until we got to the Hard Rock Cafe. We went in and got to the bar. Jesus!! Expensive? I had to take a loan out to pay for my round. I got two Bacardi Breezers and a Smirnoff Ice at the nice price of £9.60. Ouch.

So put off by the prices Phil refused to by a round in for Moss, Dave and Michael and merely watched us! The rest of us drank pretty quickly and off the lot of us went to...

The City Bar

This was the next place and what a dive it was. It merely served as a place for us to try and cane Pete but he managed to knock back a treble JD and a load of other garbage and just shrug it off. Shocking. We all had a few in here and the pace was picked up.

Cafe Bar

After the City Bar we again struggled to find a bar and walked toward the Works Nightclub. There was a few bars round the side of it including the Slug and Lettuce which we turned away from so we went next door into a pretty smart place called the Cafe Bar, I think.

Again the prices knocked us out but we had a couple each before moving on to...

Iced Tea Cafe

This was fairly good. It had ear busting music on, was dark and packed but I think we came in too early.


Moss fancied another go on the fruity so we crossed the market square and went back in here. you can't beat Wetherspoons for atmosphere and booze. Had a good laugh and drink in here and moved on to...


Revisted this place as a resting stop before the nightclub.

Blue WKD Battle of the Giants

Me and Moss had a competition to see who could drink a bottle of Blue WKD fastest. It was literally 3, 2, 1 gone. I would say 4 - 5 seconds and his was gone. Beer monster. I did well but managed about 15 seconds.

So well gone, drunk and truely knackered we marched up the road to...

The Works

VIP entry was damned good but it just wasn't as good as the Friday since the ten of us were dead. I can't recall much of what happened in here, everyone went their own way and I was on my own so thought bugger it I'm going back to the hotel. £6 it cost! Ah well, couldn't be arsed walking.

Home to The Apprentice

I went to the bar and the bird let us in and we both watched perhaps what is now the best programme on TV, The Apprentice. I caned the Blue WKD and gradually the crew came home in twos and threes. The usual "Where did you go?" was exchanged but eventually after KG and Pete finshed what looked like one sick chicken, they went to bed. Awww.

Connect 4

Determined not to waste my time at the bar, more Blue WKD was ordered and out came the Connect 4 from behind the bar. It became intense and everyone wanted a game.

Carlos the Jackal

Upsteps this Spanish gadge who was literally unbeatable at the damned game. I got fed up with the bloke and let these scouse lads take over who had since joined in what was now called the Connect 4 Championship.

Moss and Phill arrived and were soundly beaten by him whilst I got very drunk in the corner with Russ who looked completely out of it.

Peter's Handcuff Failure

After their and my own defeats it was time to get Pete. We hammered, kicked and slammed the door but neither he or richard would open up. Bastards. Handcuffs were ready but the lot of us gave up. They went to bed and I went...

Back to Connect 4

One of the scouse lads managed to beat the spanish fella much to my enjoyment. If no one had beat him at Connect 4 he was getting a proper beating. It got to 4am and we were shifted to another room. I had a few more games and talked toal bollocks with the scousers. What a way to end the stag do. Time for bed it definitely was.

4.30am Elbow Drop

Got in the room at 4.30am and was very very loud. Decided to elbow drop KG. He wasn't happy!!! The lardhead was too lazy to even get out and retaliate.

Pass Out

I then flaked out in bed and passed out.

One hell of a weekend away. I sung, drank and laughed my way through the streets of Nottingham, drove a 4 x 4, played Connect 4 and stopped Moss getting an axe for Peters door.

Peter and Keith, time for your memoirs please!!

A few changes......

To ze Wallet.

Put the donate thingy up at the top where it can be seen (go on chiefs give us some money to get drunk) and the LNOF banner.

Thats all really. Normal wallet service will resume after Mikey gets all of this stag nonsense out of his head. See you then.

Thursday, March 10

Cannot Find Server

Smash the damned page in!

Tuesday, March 8

Going Out - You coming?

Nights out a plenty in the wonderful world of the Burnley Wallet. This or possibly next weekend the boys and girls are joining up for a major league birthday celebration for Keith and Joanne.

Me and Keith are definitely out this weekend in the mighty Boro, making a full time return to the home of good times, shopping trolleys and rock and roll. I can't wait to get back into the liver busting routine.

So, what else then?

So once those two weekends are done and dusted we have of course got the Easter Weekend. They don't call it Good Friday for nowt you know. Once fully recovered on Saturday, we'll be out again for another all dayer.

There's four cracking nights out for us and myself and KG have come up with what are calling, "The Very Last night of Freedom!" A week before he finally ties the knot, we propose all the lads get together to give Pete the very best of send offs.

Coming Soon to the Wallet: the Yarm night out in its fullest including KG and Mikey scrapping, Pete just shrugging off abought 8 Sambukas and Tony, Tony M!!! Also the Saturday in Notts - more mental than the Friday!!

Monday, March 7

Oasis reveal album details

For all you Oasis fans. Like me.

So are we going to sell you-know-who then?

Seeing as this small example is going for a tenner?

Imagine how much an example the size of ours would bring in?!

Must be three hundred pounds at least?

Friday in Nottingham

Friday went a little something like this...

Early Doors

Woke up early to get ready for the Stag weekend. Nottingham here we come! Got all my clothes and that and got our Mam to iron a few garments and I was off. Got a text off KG half way to Asda (where I was going for Petrol)..."Take us over Pete's chief, am bored!".

KG, Pete and Richard

Finally got to Keiths house about half hour later and flew over to Pete's house in extreme weather conditions. It was pissing down with hailstones the lot. Got to Pierre's and loaded the booze into the coolers and packed the car up. Dropped KG back off at his house cos he's too fat and we couldn't fit everyone in and went for Richard. Managed to get to his house without getting lost (just about anyway) and took him and Pete to the Beacon. The Beacon being the meeting point for us ten peeps.

I then went for Keith, again, and threw his bag in the boot and set off back to my house. On the road just outside Keith's was a huge funeral procession and all the cars had pulled over and it didn't need much encouragement from Keith. Sorry but I was in a rush so just carried on driving. RIP chief!

Put me car away and managed to leave it unlocked all weekend due to me rushing and we walked round to jump in the taxi at the Whale Hill Club.

Chiefs on Tour at The Beacon

£2 and 3 minutes later we arrived to find Pete, Richard, Dale and Russell in the corner supping pints. KG got the beer in and stuck the Chief's On Tour flag up. It looked awesome! Stevie Big Nose Merkin arrived and bought me dinner bless him and wished us well.

The Stockton Posse Arrive

After we'd tucked in, the mini-bus arrived from Stockton with the other 4 stag chiefs. Phil, Dave, Moss and Michael. Moss went straight on the fruities and it became apparent he was addicted.


Now this Moss fella makes me and Keith look like Dale and Russ. He was huge and majorly loud with it. A monster of a man! Don't mess with him.

The Bus

Jumped on the bus. I got a decent seat with the Stockton crew, Phil drove, Keith, Pete, Dale and Russ were in the front half and Richard joined Phil in the front seat. It was a clapped out piece of junk like and every seat had masking tape on covering the tears.


probably about 10 minutes into the journey after a crazy race through the bus lane in Eston and onto the A174, out came the roll ups. It stunk. It was literally being blown into my face. "Ow chief!! Fuck off with that shit." I could see KG sliding the window open very gently to get some fresh air in.

Tits Out for the Lads!!!

Pete came up with a classic idea for the ride down there. Three A3 posters with "Tit's Out for the Lads!!!" on. The were used severely in the traffic which was damned funny. Moss was braying the windows at times to get people to look. Some old bird seemed well up for it at one point and one poor lass refused to look at us.

Piss Stop

After a good 30 mins we had a piss stop out on the A19, everyone went, including Dale and had a good slash. We were drinking Fosters on the bus and the misture of vibrating vehicle, cold and excitement makes it run through you.

Maybe 10 minutes if that, Dale was absolutely desperate for another piss and got some severe stick off Pete and Keith, who tickled, proded, wrestled and grabbed the poor lad. he nearly exploded. They even made Phil turn on washers to get him going. Finally Phil relented and let him go.

Mikey Nearly Dies

Probably about two minutes after Dale went I seriously needed to go myself. I thought "Play it cool Mikey, no way he'll stop for another 30 mins."

30 mins went by and I was busting. "Phil, stop at the next services mate, I'm busting mate." He agreed thank God but what I didn't bank was the next services was another 30 minutes away. I needed to go that much I just couldn't think of anything else and broke into a cold sweat.

Dave even goes to me "You proper need a piss don't you?"

"You're not wrong mate!!"


I could barely walk to the toilets want we got there and once in had the best piss of my life. The lads all bought/nicked a load of sweets for the rest of the bus journey and a couple of goes on the arcades and fruities before we cracked on again.

The Road to Nowhere

It was not too long before we finally got into the city following Russells terrible direction reading. We drove round in a square for a good 40 minutes and got a good few stares at the old "Tits Out" signs. Moss was braying the window again at everyone we went past and there was certainly a few contemplators.

Russ Asks the Way

Phil, finally after a good half hour of getting nowhere, pulled into a garage and Russ got out and asked for directions. Just round the corner apparently. Nice one!


Another 30 minutes of nothing and we finally got there. Hallelujah!

Checking In

I checked us all in and we all got our stern warning of breaking stuff and how we had to stump up £20 deposit for damages and what have you. Fair dos. Grabbed the keycard and raced up the stairs to Room 302. Well impressed. Turned out mine and Keiths room was twice the size of everyone elses. Keith stuck the "Chief's on Tour!" flag up in the window and then well became a lardhead.

KG Breaks The Bed

Hadn't been in there two minutes and Keith obviously high on pot and lager decides to leap up onto a spare fold up bed that was covered up by an old curtain. He only broke the bastard thing didn't he. It was the best "That's so funny/but I'm shitting myself" face you've seen. It was funny but we spent the next few minutes trying desperately to put it back together and come up with a convincing, "We haven't touched it." story. Dodgy gits!!

Finding a Parking Space

We all jumped back into the mini-bus cos Phil couldn't find anywhere to park. I tell you what this was the boringest part of the weekend. We drove around about 9 car parks that were all height restricted. It got so desperate at one stage Phil tried getting under one and smashed the restriction sign off and bent the vans aerial in half.

We pulled up a traffic warden and conspired to get a parking ticket and guarantee ourselves parking right next to the hotel for a maximum of £30 should the ticket arrive. We got one at last about two streets away and stuck a pay and display sticker on.

Lloyds for Tea

After the parking nightmare it was time for grub. We went in Lloyds, which was next door, and got a meal each. Poor Russell was only stood at the bar in his Skull and Crossbones hat and got told to take it off. How I giggled with KG!! Everyone was close to monged but the food woke everyone up. There and then it was agreed to meet back in here for 8pm to kick the night off.

Getting Ready with the Porn on

Me and KG got back to the room and I went for a slash. I came back out and the divvy had only ordered the Adult Movies at £7.85. Lardhead!! I left him to it and went for a shower and to get ready. Every minute that went by was met with, "Heaney, you nearly ready??" or "Beanster, am having a Tommy Tank on ya bed!!".

Enjoyed a bit of Frankie Vaughn (Porn) myself while Keith got ready and at last we were ready to hit the town.

Back to Lloyds

Peter, Richard, Dale and Russell were already in and we joined them. Vodka Red Bulls all round and a good eye up of the ladies. Nottingham has some stunners believe me. The other lads arrived and we all had a pre night out team talk to get the motors running and the moods set.

Drank up in here and moved on down the road to....

The Square Bar

Pete got his first shots of the night, two "nasty shots" as they were called. It looked a bit like Castrol GTX but Pete sank them down. We all stood up in the balcony for this pub and watched the masses form downstairs. It was majorly busy in here. Can't recall if we had one or two in here but we supped up and shifted on down the street.


Pretty good in here, it was just Redcar's Plimsoll Line mixed with Boro's Isaac Wilsons. I got the Smirnoffs in and asked the gadge if there was discount for buying in bulk. Not even a giggle. No sense of humour in Notts.

Moss canes the Fruity

Moss, of course was on the fruity and it must have been broke - it paid out a collosal £64!!

Moss, Phil, Dave and Michael stayed on in here and we moved on to the next bar.


Phoenix it was, pretty smart but quiet - not my cup of tea. Pete and the Millers were well on the way now. I was holding up alright. Think we got Irn Bru WKD's in here which weren't much cop. The best thing in this pub was the nudey pictures above the urinals.

Got chatting to the barmaid about where on earth to go in Notts. She said Canal Street was the best area. Got the directions sorted - "You have to walk through a shopping centre" - we were told.

Phil and the rest caught us up after they went in Walkabout which was across the road and we set off. Asked this bloke on the street where we were going and he didn't have a clue. So Canal Street it was...

The walk to Canal Street

It was miles away. Craziness, shouting and frustration set in. Everyone thought we were going the wrong way but soon enough the shopping centre arrived and these lasses pointed us in the right direction. Excellent. Mega pubs here we come.....ah.


Dont know its name but it was a proper pub pub. Until we went round the back room that is and found a disco and dancing old bints. Asked for directions again to no avail. It wasn't looking good. A taxi back up to where we were seemed the best bet.

Oh Wait, There are Some Decent Pubs Down here

After finishing off in that place we went out the back door and found the Jongluers club and a strip of two or three pubs. We went in Bar Risa which was nicely decked out and cheap too compared to everywhere else we had been (Just over £3 for two Red Squares). Had a few in here and topped up the alcohol levels. Everyone was pretty minging now. We agreed to walk back up to the Wetherspoons area and find a nightclub from there.

The Police

After leaving there we crossed over a road to be met by a good dozen policemen and cars - one major accident had happened there and we were given a different route to the shopping centre.

"Can the gentleman...."

On the walk back, funny as this we came back through the shopping centre and Keith grabs a cone and sticks it on his head. Just as he gets to the door the tannoy comes on, "Can the genlteman with the police cone on his head, please take it off before he leaves the building."

The Search for a Nightclub

The worst bit of the weekend this, looking for a nightclub and having 40 different leaflet giver outers all telling you that their nightclub is the best. It took way too long.

We settled on "The Works". Sounded alright, lets give it a whirl.

The Works Nightclub

"Oh for fucks sake" was the collective statement as we entered this place. It was terrible. One dancefloor with about three people on it. "Why don't we try downstairs?"

Striking Gold

"Fucking woooohoooo!!!" - it was only the biggest and best nightclub we'd been in!! If you go to Notts, go in here, it's massive, loud and full of stunning women.

Hardcore Dancing

Drinks in and dance moves tested, the big hardcore 90's tunes came on, Faithless, Yomanda and well, Pete will fill you in on the others. The lads gave it their all for a good hour. Ben from Phats and Small was the special guest but I didn't even see him.

Richard Scores a Biffa

As we were dancing, Richard was like an octopus and had his hands all over this big lass with third world saving mammaries. He'll deny it of course.

The Singalong to End all Singalongs

After a while of hardcore dancing it got a bit too much for the ears and we had a wonder and found a "Cheese" room. No it wasn't full of Cheddar but was playing all your Saturday night favourites from Walkabout.

Particular brilliance came in the form of Bohemian Rhapsody, Hey Jude and Don't Look Back in Anger.

Dale, who at this time had had way beyond what his tiny frame could handle appeared to be ice skating around the dancefloor and ended up in a bit of fistycuffs with Russell. Poor Pete had to sort it out and took him home. We weren't told this till we got in mind.


After watching Phil and Keith get pushed to the limits during Zorba the Greek and then the Music Man - yes, the Music Man - it was definitely home time. Me and KG lost Phil and left for a taxi. It was £5 but we literally in it for less than two minutes. Gutted!!

Went to bed, Pete filled us in on the happenings and then it was pass out time.


The porn was still on full whack. The grunts, sighs and moans were not doing us any good. "TV off chief please!" asks KG who is in fact closer to the TV than me and could reach the remote without leaving his bed. I swiftly explained this to him and was met with a verbal assault! Fat tosser!!! I got my own back on the Saturday as you'll find out. I gave in and turned it off but couldn't get to sleep.


Managed a couple of hours but wasn't to bad for Saturday which I will type up soon!

Saturday, March 5

Yarm Here We Come

We haven't forgotten about Notts, it's just taking a hell of a long time to type up since its just so epic.

Also tonight the chiefs roll into Yarm, a Burnley Wallet first for the three of us. We'll be joined by most of Pete's workmates. It's going to be a cracker and hopefully the stripper should put a smile on everyones face. Well, except Pete's of course. She'll probably crush the poor lad!!!

Tuesday, March 1

Officially Back

Nottingham is over, hangovers have dissapeared (mine went about dinner time today) and the write up is currently in progress.

To summarise it was a stormer of a weekend, money was won, money was lost, drinks were downed, women were groped and 4 x 4's were gently eased round a seriously muddy track.

The stories, the twists, the turns, a broken bed and the Connect 4 Championship are coming soon. Hold on to your hats Walleteers.

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