Sunday, February 27

Teenager Dumped By Chat-Room Girlfriend

Dale didn't mention anything on the stag do did he?!! Identical!! Scary that chiefs.

Thursday, February 24

1up.com

The 50 most important video games ever!

Almost Here

The new clobber has been bought along with the toiletry top ups. The stag do is finally here. The chiefs are genuinely uncontrolable excited wrecks at the moment. We'll see you Monday and start telling the story in true Wallet style.

Tuesday, February 22

A Bit of an Update

Hey friends, colleagues, chiefs and walleteers out there in net land.

A Wallet update for you all...

Nottingham is a mere two working days away now that todays is over and the excitement is at fever pitch. I received an e-mail from KG earlier packed with stunts to pull and was in tears. We have to try some of them!

I'm starting to worry about Phil (well get excited rather than worry) in the 4 x 4. The lads a bit of a car nut and I recall talking to him on Saturday night. He is planning on thrashing it round "The Jungle" in record time and leaving the instructor sat in his own well, you know.

Friday morning sees the chiefs gathering in local boozer "The Beacon" for a spot of dinner and a couple of warm up pints before the long journey (plus some piss stops) to Notts commences.

The T-shirts are currently hanging on for dear life and might fall through. If they don't it looks as though they could be sent direct to the hotel for us to stick on, trash, scribble on and tie Peter up with on what could the best Friday night ever experienced in my short life time.

Speaking of short life times, I turned 22 today! Happy birthday me, still got alcohol floating around the system and was beyond tired this morning. Took me an hour to remember it was my birthday and that was only when me Mam came in and gave us me card.

Got a massive two cards from the outer reaches of my family and hopefully Pierre is bringing the Ferarri round later!

Work treat me to a birthday card, a scratchcard and a bottle of Vodka which was a bit of a come down from last years efforts but it's still nice to be thought of.

All this talk of Notts lately on the Wallet is losing focus on several other killer nights out coming up including on 5th March, the Boro Villa All Day Thriller where myself along with KG, Pete and whoever else wants to join will be getting seriously tanked up watching the mighty Boro decimate Villa and then going back to Chicago Rock on the night to partake in some of the finest Minder theme tune singing ever seen. "I can be so good for you!!"

The week after, or possibly the week after that will be a joint effort for Keith and Joanne's birthdays and again there will be singing, shouting, laughter and tears. And that's just Jo getting ready.

So chiefs are we fully up to date?

There is guaranteed fun in pretty much every week of a Walleteers life, and the quest isn't over. Coming soon, the BW Olympics, the Stag Do Review and of course the Wedding of the decade.

Monday, February 21

Drinks Count

Drank the following...

3 pints of Stella
1 Blue Aftershock
3 Red Square Reloaded
1 Red Square Puffy Pink Juice
2 Sidekicks
8 Yates Test Tubes
3 VK Orange
1 Pint of VK (one VK Ice and one VK Blue in a pint glass)
1 Treble Vodka and Red Bull with 2 Blue Aftershocks added

...and a pint of water to finish.

Pete, hope your up for the above and more for Notts?

Shot to Pieces (Pt 2)

Can I just elaborate a wee bit on some of Pete's points.

Huxsters

Joe I think challenged me to Down my first bottle of Orange VK, and am not one to turned down a drinking challenge. Glug.... Glug..... Glug, and it was gone in like 8 seconds, its Orange juice a tells ya. Next time make it a bit more difficult eh Joe?

Bottle on the tounge trick

After I had finished my second bottle, I sucked all the air out of the bottle, and stuck it (On purpose I may add) on my tounge, I pretended it was really hurting, Phil then went round random people asking them if they knew emergency surgery to remove the said bottle. Side splitting at the time a tells thee!

Blue

Mikey was really struggling in here, and a mean really struggling, for some reason, he had a pint of WKD, which consisted of half WKD ice and half WKD blue, the poor sod was just sat keeping himself to himself at the table, and I thought he was asleep at one stage. All this followed the best bit of spewing ever. Mikey went to the toilet, and he'd been gone a while, the lasses were getting worried about him, so they sent me to look for him, I gets to the toilet and pops me head over the cubicle to find Mikey wrenching his insides up. Projectile Vomit at its very best! I was creased up me as where the two random strangers taking a piss!

Chicago Rock Cafe

We went in here, and am sure we sneaked to the front of the queue, I don't recall paying in either. Did I sneak in?

Straight to the bar in here, and another fruit based drink for us. After random larking and clowning around including one bit where the DJ played Amorillo the song off Phoenix Nights, where Max and Paddy sing along in the van, we duely joined in with the Beep Beep bit. Ya had to be there, but it was funny at the time.

I think Peter and the rest of the gang left about 1am, leaving Me, Mikey and Phil, to have it large (Quite literally) on the dance floor.

One particular funny bit was when I was getting stuck well in to this lass, bumping and grinding when the DJ played the Status Quo song 'Rockin all over the World' well that was it, "See ya later Darl, I need to play air guitar and sing me head off" . I looked up and could see Mikey also playing air guitar in the middle of the dance floor. I had to join him, once the song had finished the lass had gone. Mental!

I got stuck into another right minger as Mikey has pointed out, but she wasn't putting out, I got her number, but she aint getting a text! Also she was called Sharon, cant meet a girl with the same name as ya mam!

Apparantly Mikey also got stuck in to a lass who was quite a looker by all accounts, so me and Phil decided to leave Mikey to it, as it was knocking on for 2am.

Getting Home

Fuck me, it was a nightmare, I havn't seen snow as heavy as that before, I only had a short sleeved shirt on, so we seeked cover in the pizza shop, Mikey caught us back up, what happend Chief? Thought you were bucking?

Me and Phil gets our scran, and starts to ring round Taxi firms "Nothing available am sorry" I got sick of hearing that!

So we braved the arctic like conditions and walked all the way to just outside my works, and finally flagged a taxi down, not before Mikey in his nice warm Blazer, decided enough was enough and he hid behind the generator, leaving me and Phil to battle for a taxi.

The driver took Phil home forst and his blowers were broke in the back of his car, It was so cold, by the time I got in I had to deforst me parmo!

As the weather conditions were getting worse the drivermust have been doing no more than 25mph on the A66 home.

The driver couldn't even get on to my estate, so I had to walk the finally bit of the journey home.

Think I eventually got in about 3.30am!

Great night out!

Shot to Pieces cont.......

Huxters

So, off we went to Huxters, (formerly 'gay hang-out' the Lord Raglan, fact-fans) for lashings of the oh-so-sweet VK orange. After much jostling we finally worked out that it's 2 bottles for 3 quid only to keep people in.

Proper packed out in here, even some lardheads dancing on the bar (not us for a change) and a total nightmare trying to go to the bog.

Got a bit bored in here, apart from KG's superb "ow me tongue me bottle's stuck" trick. He'll explain. So off we toddled in the ferocious winds to..............

Blue

Never been in here before personally, but clearly Mike had as he used the bogs as if he had installed them himself. Cracked on with a pint of the highly recommended Kronenbourg Blanc in here. Nice and refreshing but deffo not for a session. Also sampled the evils of VK Silver as well, possibly the vilest drink known to man.

Mike was seriously struggling in here, must have gone to the bog to empty his gut at least 3 times. But still the drinks flowed, whilst Mikey staggered, and generally felt up every bit of femininity in the gaff.

So a brief stand in the cold with loads of "Easy-Easy-Easy", waiting for the birds and down the road into...........

Barracuda

Mad bar. Decided to move on. Phil went for a piss. Mike went "for a piss". Girlies arrived so on to...................

Flares

Proper mental in here as well. Mike attempted to "get it on" with what appeared to be a lost cast member from the musical "Cats", so she accepted his offer of a drink. She then appeared to accept his change and fuck off with it. After much too-ing and fro-ing we decided to leave before things got messy. Down the road a bit and in..................

Isacc Wilson's

Just sort of sat and chilled a bit here. Rumour has it Mike was drinking a treble VRB mixed with a double blue aftershock. With its green tint, surely the Incredible Hulk has been discovered. Large amounts of "Tits out for the lads" in here, with the odd breast flash and some corking photos on KG's blower. Back out into the baltic and..............

Chicago Rock Cafe

I just sort of drank a bit more, had a bit of a dance but no-where near the mosntering that Mike and KG gave it. So carry on from here KG, if you will.

Shot to Pieces - Mikey's Birthday Night Out

I can only sum up the first two pubs from Saturday night. Keith and Peter will have to give you the rest.

KG's dad took us up there and dropped us off at the cash point for some booze funding, then straight to Ladbrokes for a bet on the Everton v. Man U match that we were going to watch. I had a fiver on 2-0 Man U at 7-1 and Groves had 3-0 and Rooney to score first.

Lloyds

Got in upstairs here and got the Stella in. Asked the chief if he was going to stick the match on the big screen. He said it should be on but it only appeared to be on a small screen downstairs. Trecked back down and stood at the bar for five mins before it appeared on every TV in the pub. Anyhow a table came up with a spot on view and away we went.

United stuck the second in and I was praying for some posession play. United delivered and won me £40. A cracker of a start to my night!

We conquered a couple of Stellas and Groves treat me to an Aftershock. The first of many!

Moved next door to Yates...

Yates

None of the other chiefs had arrived yet and it didn't look promising. Red Square was bought in for me and KG. Groves bought us a Sidekick which swiftly went in the old pocket before Groves gave it the "Two bottles for £3 innit?"

"But you asked for a sidekick" says the barman.

"Uh? Nah chief, having ya eyes out!"

Seeing as no-one else got here we had a quick go on the quizzer and got told off by a right grumpy bint who worked there!

Dale and Emma arrived, shortly followed by Pete, Jo, Jodie, Phil, Ste and Claire and I was swiftly bought a good 9 shots of manky shite that was thrown down the gullet.

It all gets a bit fuzzy from then on....I remeber spewing in Blue (which was hilarious according to KG) and lots of birds in Chicago but very little else. Groves pulled a monster.

Chiefs. Take it away.

Sunday, February 20

We Have a Winner!!

The e-bay auction has finished. More news soon!!

Why doesn't this happen over here??

Showboating to mass brawl!

Class!

Ebay Brainwave Update

Bout a couple of hours now and we'll know who's won the old ebay auction to plaster their creative juices all over the stag crew next weekend.

Find out here people, or make a bid yourself here.

And remember you can donate some moolah to buy me and the boys a beer in Notts, just use the paypal link on the right toolbar thingummy.

Freezing



That's right chief's, Tee-Tee-Teesside has been covered with a lovely layer of snow.

And it's absolutely baltic.

Roll on the summer eh? Eh? EH?

Saturday, February 19

Birthday Party!

Chiefs, chiefstons and chieftonettes everywhere the boys are a mere 20 minutes away from a potential night of the year. Excited? You bet!

Come back here for the full report very soon.

Friday, February 18

Boro Songs.

If listen hard enough you can just about hear me!

Pig Bag

One for the scousers!

Do I have to?

You'll never learn the words!

Finest Team

My only Boro

Red and White Army

Song for a legend!

There ya go a few songs you would hear down at the Riverside.

Speedy Relief

A rather addictive game from Comic Relief and Inbox Digital and not a wanking site.

Ouch!

Made my neck itch!

Thursday, February 17

The Stripper

Pete's Stripper has been found. Eighth down on the left. Meet Lena!!

Stag Night n.

The groom's pre-wedding lads'-night-out party. It generally involves drinking as much alcohol as possible and trying to do something embarassing to the husband-to-be. This is great fun for all of the groom's buddies, but less fun for the groom. He almost inevitably wakes up the next morning completely naked and tied to a lampost. Brides secretly like stag nights because it gives them a good excuse for refusing to let their husbands see their friends again.

It's like they've seen the future!

I see its ya birthday...

....well it's my birthday too yeah!!

This Saturday, friends will be gathering en masse to celebrate Mikey, me, turning 22 (it's not till Tuesday but hey, why wait?)

Middlesbrough will be the site of another yearly drunken chaotic night and I am guaranteed to get thrown out of somewhere to keep up the tradition.

Last year, Yates for apparently pretending to "be the chef." The year before, Macy's in Redcar for fiddling with the DJ's knob. What?

This year I've promised to wait a week and be ejected from SAINT bar for speaking in a northern accent.

Now if the chiefs are kind enough, it'll be a very cheap night for me and I promise to behave, honest.

The challenge has been set for a shot of "something" with every drink and seeing as me and KG are starting early doors at 5pm there could be some serious shit going down the old guillet on Saturday night.

Can't wait now - this is the full dress rehearsal for Notts so I want to see some serious action!

If you can take the pace we'll see ya down there!!

Song about Nottingham.

To the tune of "When the saints go marching in"

Oh Nottingham, is wonderful
Oh Nottingham, is wonderful
Its full of Tits, Fanny and Boro Lardheads
Oh Nottingham is wonderful
Oh Nottingham (Oh Nottingham)
Is wonderful (Is wonderful)
Oh Nottingham is wonderful
its full of Tits, Fanny and Boro Lardheads
Oh Nottingham is wonderful.
I thank you!

Practice for Notts



DVRB training on the cards, need to get at least a bit of alcohol tolerance going.

Mildly Dissapointed

But positive, one bid is better than none.

I am of course referring to the e-Bay Brainwave - our fat chests and Dale's ribs being emblazoned by some sort of advert to wear in Nottingham.

Just a thought chiefs - we are getting three each right? I mean, I don't fancy wearing the same shirt three days running. It's not work you know!

Nottingham, the very name conjures up thoughts of drunkeness, singing, handcuffs and a goddammed good time. And thats just the bus ride down there.

Imagine if you will two bonafide deadheads (me and Groves) getting back to the hotel at 4am singing some of Status Quo's finest through very hoarse throats.

"An a like it a like it a like it.....lerrus in chief!!"

"I'm sorry sir, you can't come in with that shopping trolley."

"But it's me hic, fucking wheelchair! Sorry, sorry, sorry.....(in his best Prof. Hawking)....it is my wheelchair."

£100 each as well. It was like a meat stall on Doggy market....

"I'm not gonna give it ya it for £200 pounds!! It's a two star hotel for two nights, is that putting you off sir? I'll put it up to a three star hotel and we'll make it £160. I'm not even gonna sell ya it for £160 my man, throw in a 4 x 4 session too and we'll even have a free nightclub ticket too!! Sold to the big lad in the specs!!"

100% bargain that chiefs.

So Chiefs, answer me this, are you ready for this weekend?

I'm starting to get butterflies lads!

It's going to be 72 hours or wrecking, shouting, drinking, fighting, Burnley Wallet rock and roll and if you don't like it ya better get our way cos the BW is coming for ya!

One week and counting- fucking come on!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, February 16

The "Stag Flag"



As created by KG today for a mere ten bucks! What a star!

Keane Viera Aggro

Leading the way in the latest news here's a cracking clip of the Keane Viera incident from the match a couple of weeks ago. Watch out for hand crusher Gaz Nev at the end.

Watch now.

Pierre - is this possibly something we could use for the Wallet?

The Chief's Flag!

Is Fucking awesome.

Picked it up today and Mr Hatfield only charged me £10.00.

This will add that something different to the Stag weekend, that will make it stand out as the best God damn stag do, in the history of Stag Do's!

Baggsy it staying in my room!

P.S I will send a picture of it to Pierre so he can put it on here!

Inside Out

Awesome Drawing of Woman

Looks Like........

......Groves just can't wait for the 4 x 4's in Notts.

Tuesday, February 15

Stag Do update

As Mikey has already pointed out, when have sent stacks of Emails now to a range of companies promoting our little venture on Ebay.

No fucker has replied to my Emails, although I think it may have something to do with my Hotmail account playing up. (Hope so anyway)

Any way moving on, I suggested to Peter If we should get a flag made up for the weekend, you know the one's St Georges cross, with the name of the town or city your from. We decided it was worth looking into.

So I rang up Jack Hatfields today and asked if they would be able to produce one for us with the words "CHIEF'S ON TOUR" printed on.

"No problem, 5ft by 3ft big enough for ya?" Asked the Gadge.

"Aye mate, spot on, how much Chief?"

"For you son, £12 all in"

Result eh lads?

I pick it up tomorrow afternoon.

Castlemaine XXXX-Box Challenge

Picked Up - 2.15pm

Pierre came and picked me and KG to begin an all day sesh of booze, footy and gamage over at his house, cheap weekends we love em.

Bookies

Got over to the bookies at Coulby Newham which I didn't even know exsisted, including a little shopping centre and Safeway and what have you. Way better than Eston. KG and Pete stuck several godiva's each on three legged donkies and 10 men football teams. I didn't have a bet, cos I'm tight.

Safeway

I bought 8 Smirnoffs in for the evening, generalised fucking about in here as you do. I was getting stick for me Andy Hunter jacket. Who's Andy Hunter? Exactly what i asked - apparently
he's off Eastenders.

Got back to Pete's for the first horse KG had backed.

Race

Stuck Channel 4 on for McCrirrick - the mans a genius still. Apparently I'm set to turn out like him when I'm older. Cheers for that boost Pete.

Essex won it and KG backed it all the way. Not sure how much he won but he won't mind reminding us. Bet Gambling Joey missed out there.

Football

The Stella started flowing. It was my first booze in ages and after 4 or 5 and the uneventfulness of a boring Soccer Saturday I felt seriously tired and drunk. Glass of water later and on to the Smirnoffs for me. The other two chiefs had no probs and must have knocked back 8 or 9 each between them.

Grub

Joanne got in and ordered us a take away for the match. I went for the burger, they went for the mega parmos.

Bolton vs Boro

Pretty good game, if not I think I'd have been asleep on the setee. It was goalless but having KG, a bonafide Boro fan leaping up and down at a thro in decision while the dog is chewing his trainers is sheer entertainment.

The grub arrived near the end of the match and we all tucked in. Boodiful I tell ya.

Pete stuck the X-Box on to begin the footy tournament. I have no recollection of who played who. Me and KG played each other first in a friendly to get used to the controls.

The tournament progressed after three group games each against the X-Box we all got through to the quarter finals. I played Pete who was playing as Barcelona. Although he only needed one player, Mr Ronaldinho.

I was genuinely robbed. I must have had 15-20 attempts on goal but seeing as Pete had all the cheats saved on his hard disk and that these consoles have some sort of "loyalty to their owners" programme etched into their workings, it was obvious Pete would win. He did 2-0.

KG got knocked out by someone half decent. Pete played his semi final and cos it was cracking on time wise we agreed he'd won and the fivers will be winging his way to him soon. His Birthday I reckon.

Pete stuck Project Gotham on next. We were all decidedly wrecked now. KG must have knocked 14 or 15 lagers away and Pete was seriously monged on huge Vodka Red Bull pints. Every time he left the room, me and KG fell about with "How wrecked is Pete?".

Some dodgy laps later we started to get the hang of it and got quite into it. A cracking game worth getting if you have one of these X Box doofers.

Rang for a taxi home and got into watching the music channels looking for that Mylo Destroy Rock and Roll tune, you know - "Missing Persons, Duran Duran" - and we managed to miss the taxi. I reckon he didn't come to be honest with you's.

Ordered another and..

Taxi Home

....left a plethora of Steven Hawking messages on a load of peoples phones. A cracking day - round two soon chiefs? I want my Pro Evo revenge.

Bored?

No, I mean really bored?

So bored, you'd love a site to put random words in Google and see what the results were. This one does.

Another Reply

This one from Spreadshirt.de....

Guten Tag,

Thanks for the tip, but to be honest we've never found adverstising in Nottingham to be that effective. :-)

Sorry

Now were the stag to be in Derby

Good luck with your venture.


Mit freundlichen Grüßen aus Leipzig

Alasdair Thompson

Ah well!

Monday, February 14

The Replies so Far

Me and Keith set about e-mailing a shed load of companies last night to generate interest. Amazingly some have replied!

FHM

Come on mike, do you really think anyone is going to pay to have an advert on 10 drunk blokes t-shirts?

Sony

Dear Mr. Heaney,

Thank you for your recent correspondence.

Please contact the Marketing Department by sending a fax to: 0207 734 4926, orE.Mail: Jonathan Fargher, PR Manager at: Jonathan_Fargher@scee.net.

Should you need further assistance, please call the PlayStation Careline on08705 99 88 77 (National Rate), where an advisor will be happy to assist you.

Our operating hours are 8am - 10pm Monday to Friday, and 10am - 6pm Saturday and Sunday.

Yours sincerely,

Matthew Fowler
PlayStation Consumer Care Team
Sony Computer Entertainment UK

Guiness

Hello Michael,

Thank you for your recent email inquiring about sponsorship.

Unfortunately, we’re unable to help you as our sponsorship budget has alreadybeen allocated for the next 12-18 months up to Spring 2006 in fact. As you may imagine, we receive many similar requests to yours and we’ve found the fairest, most impartial way of dealing with them is by operating a first-come-first-served system.

I hope you’ll have better luck in finding sponsorship elsewhere and also that your venture is a really successful one.

Yours sincerely,

Geraldine O'Sullivan,
Consumer Relations.

Red Bull

Dear Michael,

Thanks for your e-mail and for this innovative opportunity.

Unfortunately i have to tell you that Red Bull does not take part in this kind of advertising therefore I'm afraid we can't bid to take part in this initiative.

In general Red Bull does not brand any clothing for use by members of the public. We do have a limited sports merchandise range but it is only available to the extreme sports athletes who are sponsored by Red Bull. We prefer to build relationships with these individuals rather than rely on the generosity of others by using them for free advertising. We feel this is exploiting people through their enjoyment of our product.

I am really sorry that I cannot help you on this occasion but thank you for taking the time to write to Red Bull.

Yours sincerely

Nichola Spencer
Red Bull Company Limited

Cool or what?

More replies as and when they come in!!

We Have a Bidder!!

Last Night of Freedom have replied and are our first bidder with £30 for the advertising opportunity!

Here's the reply from them: -

Sounds great.

Bid placed......we'll need some prominent links from your site too though.....and some pictures for the website.

Please let me know ASAP so we can look at T-shirts etc.

Matt

Sunday, February 13

Ebay brainwave Cont.....

Following on from Pete's genius idea. I decided we needed to get as much publicity drawn to this as possible.

So I started by linking to it here Fly Me To The Moon Website

and here Nottingham Forest's Fans website

and not forgetting little Notts County fans website

Lets keep spreading the word lads.

E-Bay Brainwave Update

I've e-mailed the following to see if they're interested: -

FHM
Last Night of Freedom
Lee James 4x4
Saint Bar
Bravo TV
WKD
Red Bull

Had a look on the Stella Artois website and got this...

STELLA ARTOIS SPONSORSHIP

Thank you for your interest. Stella Artois' strategy is to create our own film & sponsoring events, therefore as part of our strategy we do not get involved with sponsoring events.

More soon!!

E-bay Brainwave

Congrats to Pete for this genius idea.

Have a look at this...

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5956758267

Get your bids in now!!!!

Coming Soon!!

A full rundown of Saturday - the Castlemaine XXXX-Box Challenge!!

E-bay Brainwave explained tomorrow!!

The pictures, the stories, the handcuffs and the train home from Scotland!! The Stag Do - the full run down from Nottingham.

And the big idea from KG, The BW Olympics Summer 05!! Know a sport thats not in the olympics? We'll be playing it or watching it and you'll live the experience too.

The Burnley Wallet, it's the dogs!

Make your own South Park Gadge

Guaranteed you'll try yourself first and then Prof. Hawking.

Saint Bar

If we manage to get in here I'd be very surprised. Classy joint this.

Ever wondered if.....

Some Chief could some how collate every Playboy that a Celebrity has appeared in, then transfer the pics onto a website??

Well this Chief has only gone and done.

Who is your fave?

Torrie Wilson is up there for me like.

Turbo Spirit

Retro Motorbike game, made me feel sick.

Saturday, February 12

Hawking Suggestions

Well, we spent most of the night exhausting Hawking - have you got any suggestions?

Leave us a comment or e-mail them to michaelheaney83@hotmail.com

Try this one - I dare you not too laugh.

lets get ready to rumble, lets get ready to rumble, watch us wreck the mike, watch us wreck the mike, watch us wreck the mike, sike

Friday, February 11

More Hawkings Moments

Copy and paste them right in!

Easy!! Easy!! Easy!! Easy!! Easy!! Hey, you shad dupp!!

I just put a God eyever in the fruit e and it was raining chunks. I won billy big licks!! I needed a chief to help me put the money in because i couldnt reach.

My sides hurt now.

Laugh? I nearly died!

All people must try this. A quick investigiation led me to find Microsoft Sam hidden away in the Control Panel of my PC. If you click "Speech" you get to type text in and preview it. Slow it down a bit for the true Hawkings effect.

I was talking to KG at the time and well it all got bit hilarious. If you can find it on your PC we tried the following... (copy and paste them in)

I cant do the moonwalk or the jive bunny but i can really bust a move

I got a sub 1.30 lap on top gear and i met jeremy clarkson. he was a cunt

My favourite comedian is roy chubby brown. he always calls me a spazz stick and I call him a fat cunt right back. I love roy, he is my hero.

My mother always said if you keep pulling that face in the wind it will stay like that. i told her she was a stupid fucking bitch but it turned out she was right. i'm such a lard head!

And my personal favourite!

Every time i see a girl in a mini skirt i always get a boner which presses a button on my keypad. If it pressed any other button i wouldn't mind. Except the button my bell end presses says yowza yowza yowza

Guaranteed aching sides.

So chiefs - what can you up with?

New comments

How Dinky Doo are the new comment screens? Simply stonking if you ask me.

Night Out

Now it's 7pm I tell ya what chiefs I'm dying for a night out somewhere soon. Roll on next Saturday. I'm going to get totally trashed and spend the night doing Stephen Hawking impressions when getting served at the bar.

Go on, give it a go now, say Bacardi Breezer like him - it totally creased me!

Revenge of the Sith Plot

Apparently this is what happens in the next Star Wars film out this summer.

Preparation

Like a true professional I have turned down a night on the lash with work colleagues (well they were going to Yarm after all) to take part in some deep meditation and focus my mind on victory tomorrow.

I'm feeling suprememly confident in my soccer skills for the World Cup, as for the driving well that leaves a lot to be desired as it does in real life too! I've picked Brazil for the footy and hopefully Ronaldo and co can win me a tenner on Pro Evolution 4.

Plus, I have the added bonus of drinking lemonade in the form of Smirnoff Ice.

I'm off now to visit the Gamesmaster aka Patrick Moore, Sir Patrick moore no less to see if he has any top cheats for me.

Wouldn't it have been a much better if Stephen Hawking gave the advice?

No Money Forthcoming

Look chiefs.

All we wanted was £2.50.

For a swift pint to savour whilst in Notts, with them two freaks.

So come on all you BW superfans, we give you "World Class" linkage and "Top" true stories.

So come on, give a little in return.

It's better to give than to recieve, apparently, so a lot of prison inmates tell me.

If you look down a bit form here, on the right hand side of this blessed site, there's a lil pay pal link. Go on, send us a couple of quid, and we promise to savour your donation in all it's malty-hoppy glory.

Gawd bless yas.

In Notts........

Grooves instantly regretted having that last pint of Stella.

Nottingham.....BE AWARE!

Be very aware.

As regular readers will know the Burnley Wallet Chief's plus selected guest are heading off to Nottingham for Peter's Stag Do.

Can I first and foremost warn any potential Nottingham fans of the Wallet of the Chief's arrival, were expected at roughly aound 2.30pm on Friday 25th February.

We will be loud, and we will be recognised!

Were going to make Lloyds Bar (the one closest to our hotel) our local for the 3 days, so can i give a 2 week prior warning to local Nottingham goers, do NOT enter this pub from 25/02/2005 to 27/02/2005, as it will be full of drunken Boro lardheads, especially Peter who will be off his Skull on Blue Aftershock!

If you do have the mis fortune of bumping into us, please don't be afraid, come say "hello" and buy us a Stella, or in Peter's case an Aftershock or 4!

No in all honestness, we will be on our best behaviour..............HONEST!!!!!!

I mean when your away with the Chief's for a weekend, the rules state you can be extremeley loud and boistorous, do things you never normally get away with at home. For Gods sake no body will know us in Nottingham and if we get arrested, well we get arrested and we will worry about that when were sober.

But thats not going to happen, lets all chill out, stop worrying, get Peter off his face and lets have one helluva weekend!

And I'll tell you something for FUCK all thats what I intend to do!

Goodnight!

Lewis Groves

Can I just anounce that at 11:17pm on 9th February 2005, I was made an uncle for the first time.

Can I give a huge Burnley Wallet shout out to little Lewis Groves who weighed in at an impressive 8Lbs blob on.

Both Mother and baby are doing fine, as I went and visited them on Thursday night.

Congratulations to Chris and Alex on there healthy baby boy Lewis.

Thursday, February 10

Dodgy Film Alert

I watched that 'Football Factory' the other day.

A film about beer swigging, fighting footy fans. You would have thought it would have been right up this waleteers street.

But no, what a load of semi-mystical, predictable, incoherent toss it was. Passed a couple of hours though, eh?

Wednesday, February 9

Beat the Keeper

This is very difficult.

Castlemaine XXXX-Box Challenge

The Walleteers are ready for another challenge.

Here's what's planned.

Drinking copious amounts of booze....

Me: Smirnoff Ice
Pete: Vodka and Coke
Keith: Lager

...we will spend the evening playing on Pete's X-Box and see how our performance dips as the night wears on. We'll be timed on single laps on Project Gotham Racing then after another drink, timed again.

Ultimately - what gets you pissed quickest?

Then there'll be the first Burnley Wallet Pro Evolution Soccer Tournament where the winner receives a massive £5 from the other competitors!!

The full report, with shocking before and after pictures, here on Sunday!!!

Best fans in the world??

These people rattle on about being the best fans in the world, and they support there team through thick and thin.

Real Fans?

Looking Forward

The Wallet is quiet. A lack of nights out recently has seen a dip in performance however Groves trip to Newcastle has capped of an astonishing several weeks for him - if you go back, there's some sort of mad event going on every weekend right past Christmas.

Newcastle is a definite future weekend destiniation and very soon if possible.

But don't look back, lets look forward - what's coming up for the Walleteers?

The first major event in the schedule is my 22nd Birthday. The chiefs and various other people and whoever wants to come will be giving Middlesbrough a much better effort than last year which saw me and Pete brawling and me seriously monged on aftershock.

A week later and Notts is finally here - Peter Heaney - beware my friend! Myself and Keith are particularly "on one" for this and the city that never sleeps had best get ready for two bonafide lardheads at the peak of their wrecking powers and Pete of course, monged on aftershock.

A week later and its the All Day Boro Villa Thriller - an all day session to watch the game and get thoroughly totalled in the process.

Then it'll be KG's 22nd and I'm sure that'll be another cracking night out, no party this year but no one wants to see Groves humiiated again.

We've then got Joannes birthday a week later.

I tell ya what folks, we'll all be fucked come year end - the Burnley Wallet accounts will never be done.

Anti Boro Bias in the media (PT2)

I was checking the Radio Times web site to see what was on the box tonight, and it remindered me that the England match was on. Here is there right up about it.

England v The NetherlandsCan Wayne Rooney replicate for his country the sort of form that's keeping Manchester United in with a chance of silverware this season? That's the question being asked by many fans ahead of tonight's friendly with Holland. He'll certainly need to keep a lid on his temper after England's last fixture - the stormy 1-0 defeat at the hands of Spain. Sven Göran-Eriksson may also try out a few new faces – including Middlesbrough's Jonathan Downing - so that he can assemble a strong squad for the Northern Ireland game next month. Kick-off 7:45pm.

Who is Jonathan Downing?, did we sign him during the transfer window and no body has told us about him?

No we never, its yet again a case of lazy, bone idle journalism against the BORO, we unearth a superstar by the name of Stewart Downing, but becasue it is Boro they can't be arsed to find out his correct name.

TWATS the lot of them!

Tuesday, February 8

Four-year-old's late-night drive

The things you regret not doing as a kid eh?

Monday, February 7

MP3Search.Ru

This site is just the dogs!!

Daft Punk - Human After All

Listen to a preview of the new tracks here.

Can't believe it's cracking on for four years since One More Time was lighting up our lives.

Having had a listen - it sounds pretty gash.

Ant and Dec in TV golf show talks

Sounds great except for PJ and Duncan.

Anger over fireman's 'pizza trip'

Fucking mental!

Sunday, February 6

KG in the toon!

Its took me a full day to recover, but here is a report of what I got up to in Newcastle.

Me and Al (a lad from work, and fellow Chief) decided to take the day off work and embark on our second Jolly Boys outing, the first being Whitby last summer.

We boarded the 10.32am train from Middlesbrough Station and arrived at Newcastle just before 11.45. a quick note about the train, as we were approaching Billingham, there was a terrible stench on the train (No it wasn't me) it was in fact Billingham, apparently near the works, it fucking stunk.

ADVICE - never go to Billingham, except for Ice Skating.

Once we got to Newcastle the plan was to find Riley's snooker hall, for believe it or not a few pints and a game of snooker. Within 5 mins of being in Newcastle Al bumps in to one of his old mates from Stockton, and he points us in the right direction. It turned out to be down a dodgy looking side street, but we were adamant we wanted to play so we goes in. Its no where near as big or good as the one in Boro. But we stayed and had a good drink and snooker ended up levels ya devils at two's each.

The plan now was to find a bookies and play the touch screen roulette, Al's off to Vegas in September so he wants to get some practice in, unbelievably after walking round for a good 15 mins we couldn't find one and after all that exercise I needed a drink so we ended up in Yates, we both lost a tenner each on the fruity, and managed to throw down a further 3 pints each.

We had enough of it in here, and decided to move on, not before finding a Ladbrokes, we pops in a whacks a £20 note into the roulette machine, we somehow, half cut by this stage, managed to find a system that seemed to work, we walked away with £67 in the bank. Result, it paid for our losses on the fruity in Yates.

We left Ladbrokes singing a dancing to Boro songs as you do, in Newcastle or as 2 Lardheads do. We soon found ourselves in a pub called the Beehive, by this stage its only about 5.30, but this pub was heaving. We walks in and gets another pint each, and we were met to the sound of......... wait for it...........its only fucking Pig Bag in it, well that was it, were singing and dancing again to Boro songs in Newcastle, we got a few dodgy looks but a think we got louder as the song wore on. Class!

Oh a nearly forgot aswell, we won the Jackpot on the fruity, the day was getting better and better.

After trying to chat up 2 lasses in the beehive, they told us we would be better off going to "The Gate" which is a bit like a shopping centre but it has a few good bars there, and it should be quite busy, at this time of day. It was about 6.45 I think, we called in Greggs for a sarnie, just to keep us ticking over nicely.

I'm starting to struggle where we went after here, I remember a bar called Tiger Tiger, and another bar after that. Which is all inside "The Gate". It was really smart inside here.

In one of the pubs Al somehow spotted the name of the licensee over the door, and knew him, so he got talking to the bar staff about this lad and it turned out to be Al's mate, the bloke has a chain of bars all over the North East, but unfortunately he wasn't there tonight so no free drinks for us.

I'll just point out at this stage that, there were 2 trains we could get home, either the 8.32 or the 10.32, with the time now well passed 8.32. The plan was to get the latter train. Ha yeah Right!

So we jumps in a Taxi and asks the Geordie twat to take us to the Quayside, he took us to a bar, god knows what the name was, but it was full of seriously nice looking women, remindered me a little bit of the House in Boro, but better. They had one of them machines were you press the button to see what offer you get on your drinks, you know the ones, will it be half price, 2 for 1, free round or full price. Al got them in and got a free round, when it came to my turn I got stung for Full price. Nightmare!

When we left here we were both busting for a piss, so we went down an alley , well it was more or a drive, as there were parked cars, I presumed they belonged to the staff of the pub, after I finished me piss, for some reason, a don't know why, I decided to climb and jump on top of the cars, I wouldn't like to see the state of them cars. Why does ample amounts of alcohol make you do silly things?

I honestly can't remember what we did after that.

The next thing I do remember is checking my watch and its 11pm.

I goes to Al

"Al its 11 o'clock we've missed the last train"

"So Fuck" was his reply.

"Fucking come on"

We saw that nightclub ship, all lit up on the Tyne, The Tuxedo Princess I think its called, and that was our next port of call, only to get to it we needed to cross over the road and down like an embankment, But KG being KG spots some scaffolding erected up and I thought to myself that takes me practically to the entrance of the Boat.

So I decides to climb the ladders to the top of the scaffolding and starts to walk over it, am then met with a huge hole, and a good 20ft drop, AL initially followed me, but he turned back and crossed the road like any normal person would, I on the other hand managed to maneuver my huge frame around the hole, and eventually climbed down the other side. When Al eventually caught us up we tried to get on the Boat only for the bouncers, who must have been watching me, say "Sorry Lads, your too drunk"

Nightmare, to be fair to the bouncers tho, they pointed us in the direction of a bar called Disco Joe's or something like that, Oh my god this pub is BRILLIANT.

They only employ female bar staff, who were bikini's, and every 30 mins or so, an alarm goes off, to which the bikini wearing babes, jump on top of the bar and dance with each other. then pour free shots of Corkey's down your throat, yes I made my way to the front and got me some!

Also in here this Geordie lass, who was Alright looking, comes up to me and goes "Are you from Middlesbrough", my reply was something like "You better believe it" she then sticks her tounge down me throat. The day was getting better and better!

Loads of stuff happened in here, I asked the DJ to play Rockin all over the world, by the quo, he duley responded.

And a further also, they have this competition, where the camera focuses in on one person and they get a free bottle of Champagne, the camera is then projected on these plasma screens dotted all over the pub, at first he zoomed right in on me and a like get in there, only for him to be teasing us, as he did this about 12 different people until the lass stood in front of me won.

We eventually left there and decided to try and get back on the floating boat, we got in this time, but it was really disappointing in here, its more or less the same as the Tuxedo Royale which used to be in Boro. and how bad was that?

It got to about 1.30am, and the realisation of stopping in Newcastle til the next train came at 6.55am, kicked in, "Fuck it" we thought we'll just get a taxi home.

We flagged one down and he quoted us £60, but he obviously wanted it up front as you'd expect. to keep the cost down, it was cheaper for me to kip in Al's spare room and for his girlfriend to drop us off the next morning. Which is what we did.

We got back to als about 2.45am, I had been asleep for most of the journey home, and when we got to Al's he half jokingly said "Fancy a beer?" , I think I shocked him with a reply of "Go on then"

Us Chief's cant half drink you know!

I think I managed to put away a further 3 bottles of Stella, before calling it a night about 3.30am.

I got up at 11am, not having a clue were I was, and Angie (AL's girlfriend) brought us home in time for me to get changed and go the match.

What a day, Newcastle is just brilliant, we have to go!

The Weekend that Wasn't

The chiefs didn't make it out last night, KG was too skint and too knackered for a wild night down Boro. Although pretty gutted at 6pm last night hearing the dreadful news I am decidedly happy this morning being £50 better off and without a hangover. Cheers Groves!

What did I do with myself then? Went to bed and had a well deserved 12 hour kip.

I let Keith fill you all in on his mad night out in Newcastle including missing the train home and coughing up £30 for a taxi back to Stockton, the lardhead!!

Saturday, February 5

Magical Trevor II

Madness, but oh-so-catchy.

Good News for Keith

The go karting fears have been allayed and the chiefs (us lot) heading for Nottingham will now be tear arsing around in 4 x 4's.

"It's gripped, it's sorted - lets off road!"

Friday, February 4

Big Bro Contestants

Well it's been bugging the hell out of me, I dunno about you.

So here goes....

Series 1

Craig won it, Anna, Darren, Mel, Claire (replaced Nick), Tom, Nichola, Nick (booted for genius tactics), Caroline, Andy, Sada.

Series 2

Brian won it, Helen, Dean ("Dude please!!"), Elizabeth, Paul, Josh, Amma, Bubble, Narinder, Stuart, Penny.

Series 3

Kate won it, Jonny, Alex, Jade, Tim, PJ, Adele, Sophie, Spencer, Lee, Sandy (climbed out), Alison, Lynne.

Series 4

Cameron won it, Ray, Scott, Steph, Nush, Lisa, Gos, Tania, Jon, Federico, Sissy, Justine, Anouska

Series 5

Nadia won it somehow, Jason, Dan, Shell, Stuart, Michelle, Victor, Ahmed, Becki, Marco, Vanessa, Emma, Kitten (evicted for being a serious mentalist).

Happy now? Me too.

You want the Celeb ones too?

1st Series

Jack Dee got 1st place, Anthea Turner, Chris Eubank, Clare Sweeney, Keith Duffy, Vanessa Feltz

2nd Series

Mark Owen won, Goldie, Les Dennis, Melinda Messenger, Anne Diamond, Sue Perkins

3rd Series

Bez won it, Brigitte Nielsen, John McCrirrick, Germaine Greer (walked), Caprice, Lisa Ianson, Jeremy Edwards, Kenzie, Jackie Stallone - "Yeah, Jackie!".

So there we have it, all the Big Bro contestants we've had. Roll on the next series.

Quality

Here!!!!

Warning: contains rude words!!!

Anti Boro Bias in the Media

As all Boro fans know the media fucking hate our club. We are always last on MOTD. ITV failed to acknowledge our existence in the Premiership until 2001. Rodney Marsh used to slate us even when we won 4 or 5 nil. Mark Lawrenson always predicts that we'll lose, especially when we play his beloved Liverpool.

So..........

I've just been watching that Soccer AM All Sports show.

In their 'plays of the week' thingy, they said that Rooneys pair of goals against Boro in the 3-0 FA cup thumping were the best 'plays of the week'.

Fair comment?

Not if you'd seen what came before.

Now remember, they were decent goals, but not as good as the one by the little Spanish geezer who ran half the pitch to lob the keeper from 40 yards.

And definitely no better than:

  • A one-handed six by Brian Lara
  • A run-out by an Aussie who played the ball to the stumps with his foot
  • A ludicrous second shot by Phil Mickleson from a rock garden
  • A slam dunk by a blindfolded basketballer in the NBA
So come on Sky, we know they were only the 'plays of the week' because they were against our beloved team.

GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER!

If you see any other acts of ANTI-BORO-BIAS please let us know.

Macca to play at Superbowl

Paul McCartney is going to be doing a bit of his stuff at half time at the Superbowl this Sunday for any fans out there.

WOOOHOOO!!!

It's Friday night, the clothes are off, the knives are out and the chiefs are on the loose.

Tonight, all 26 stone of Keith Groves is visiting Newcastle to tear the place apart with his workmates like only a true Walleteer can. The full story - here tomorrow!

Pierre, recovering from hypochondria will be fighting his way back to full Wallet fitness and preparing himself for two days of sheer hell in Notts!

Me - well I'm off out tomorrow with a hung over KG for a wild night down the Boro where Keith becomes drunk after 1 pint of Stella and gets a huge alcohol rush.

Bring on the weekend - oh wait it's already here!!!

WOOOHOOOO!!!!!!!!

Gutted......

.....I can't believe it. Who will replace him?

I'm off to cry my eyes out.

Thursday, February 3

How many....

Of these acts have you performed whislt under the influence?

Try it here.

I clocked up 43%

All Dayer

The chiefs have just come away from a very productive meeting.

An all dayer has been agreed for 5th March. The very day that Boro take on Villa on the telly kicking off at 12.45pm. We'll be in some Boro bar for 11.30ish I would think and won't go home till we're incapable of walking.

Everyone's invited to something we are christening The Boro Villa All Day Thriller.

Illness - Update

Feeling slightly better.

Thanks to KG for visiting me.

Cheers chief.

Apologies for the rude-wordiness



Monged

How out of it is Pete Doherty?

The Merkin

Old Big Nose Stevie is on about getting the train to Notts to join us on the Saturday.

Here's which one he'll be getting!

Risner

Staff Conference today for me hosted by Nigel Risner. It was pretty good I suppose.

Best bit was when he snapped an arrow on some lucky volunteers neck in a Buddhist monk stylee (you must have seen them on Eurosport showing off). It could have been damned funny. I was poised with my mobile.

I think we should be having a whole weekend piss up for next years.

Lad wins match with last throw

Basketballs equivalent of, "And Solskjaer has won it!!"

Illness

Yep, I'm off on the sick again.

A viral infection of the tonsils apparently.

So I've been cooped up in the house for the week bored senseless. There's only so many cookery programmes you can watch you know.

Wednesday, February 2

Following on from Celeb Big Brother.

How many former housemates can you name.

Try it here.

With out cheating I scored 52, how sad am I?

Why its good to be a lad.

  • Your arse is never a factor in a job interview
  • Your Orgasm are real. Always
  • Your last name stays put
  • The Garage is all yours
  • Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
  • Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  • You don't have to curl up next to a hairy arse every night.
  • Chocolate is just another snack.
  • You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
  • Foreplay is optional.
  • Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  • You don't give a shit if someone notices your new haircut.
  • The world is your urinal.
  • Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
  • You never have to drive to another petrol station because this one's just too icky.
  • Same work... more pay.
  • Wrinkles add character.
  • You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
  • Wedding Dress £2000; Suit rental £100. 'Nuff said...
  • If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
  • People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
  • The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
  • New shoes don't cut, blister, or irreparably mangle your feet.
  • Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
  • Your mates can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

Old Citroén Advert

Homer Simpson is a Genius.

Funny as fuck these man.

Some of Homer's classic lines!

Its so simple but so challenging.

Well for me anyway.

I played this game for a good 2 hours solid, whilst at work last night.

Helicopter game

Our Chris spewing in Liverpool....

As Mikey referred to it on his latest review of Saturday night out, I thought I would elaborate and tell you the full story.

Middlesbrough had been drawn away to Liverpool in the 4th Round of the Carling Cup back in October 2004. Now we have family down in Liverpool, me Uncle Mark, as the match was being played on the Wednesday Night, we thought we would stop over the night and have a few bevvies down there.

Anyway we sets off about 10.00am on the Wednesday, as neither of us had driven before, it was decided our Chris would drive and I would navigate, we were unsure as to where we were going so we set off in plenty of time. We gets to Scouse land about 12.20pm.

Marks waiting for us at the door step and were greeted with a cold can of Carling each. Tell ya what after all that navigating I needed a drink. The first can barely touched the sides. A good 7 cans later we left our Marks and headed for the pub, it must only had been 5.30.

We gets to the pub and its Stella all round, we went in a few pubs down in the city Centre before ending up in a pub just outside the Away Fans entrance to Anfield, so it was ideal. By this stage we must have supped 7 cans and 4 pints each.

Just before half time we went down for another pint.

After the match, we got a taxi back to our Marks local, it was just like the Miners in Eston, by now it was knocking on for 10.30pm. We finished our pint, and last orders was called, Our Mark then went to the bar and ordered another 3 pins EACH!, I thought no way can we drink these. He came back and said were in rush they will stay open until we've supped up. I think we left there about12.30am, and then staggered back to Marks house. Our Chris then accidently knocks into a wheelie bin and knocks it flying, we then leg it round the corner like 3 school boys!

Once we get back to Marks house we had one more can each, god knows how! Then it was off to bed.

Whilst I was in the bathroom, Mark wearing one of the Kids halloween masks, turns the bed room light off and hides behind the door. I then goes in the bedroom, only for him to jump out at me and scare the living shite out of me!

The next morning, I gets up about 9.30am, feeling a tad ruff, Mark got up about 10ish, and decided to go to Tesco's restaurant for a full fry up, I goes to ask our Chris if he was coming, all I got was a grunt and am sure the words "fuck off and leave me alone" were mumbled.

We gets back after the brekkie, feeling fine now, to be met with our Chris who had just woke up. He was feeling well ill, but as I wasn't insured on his car he would have to drive home. We set off about 2pm to come home, after our Chris said he was feeling a bit better.

Anyway we gets in the car and sets off, we leave our Marks estate and were met with a T - Junction, our Chris turns to me and goes

"Am gunna spew"

Am like "You cant spew here man, your in the middle of a set of cross roads"

The poor lad just wheel span his car and cut 2 cars up, mounts the Kerb, opens his door, and spew his insides out.

As you can imagine, I was pissing meself in the passengers seat. The Tears were streaming down my face, I couldn't breathe through laughter.

We were in the car all of 30 seconds before he had to spew.

Our Chris gets back in the car after a good 15 minutes of hurling, and then drives us home.

Back in the car he told us, when me and Mark were getting our breakfast, he needed a dump, but then at the same time, he could feel last nights Stella coming back up, so he somehow manages to direct his spew into the sink, whilst remaining on the shit house. To this day I don't think our Mark knows, so we'll keep it a BW secret eh?

So all in all, we put away I think about 15 cans/pints that day/night, our Chris aint the biggest of drinkers normally so you can see why he brought it all back up.

What a trip.

P.S Boro got beat 2-0, Typical eh?

Amazing

If only they'd watched Hanks in Castaway eh?

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