Sunday, July 31

This is a cracker


Big Brother

I know, I know it's grown tedious now.

However, with Orlaith (we love her jugs but that pic in todays News of the World is shite) walking out of the house Saturday morning those clever people at Channel 4 are sending a new housemate in to renew our interest.

Today's papers are predicting a return of Kinga, one of her first lines infamously being "Oooh look a cucumber, I can stick it up my minge." The possibility of this happenening has guaranteed my place in front of the TV tonight. That being the return of Kinga and not the cucumber going up the minge. Although!

Looks like Eugene can't wait...


So it was KG's turn to host a BBQ whilst his Ma was away on holiday....

Due to the beautiful weather, here, it became an in door George Foreman night!!


About 3ish in the afternoon Keith rings me up, "Heaney, need ya to help us shift a mattress, pick ya up in ten mins."

It was like a lost episode of the Chuckle Brothers, especially the "To me, to you!" bits.

Following all that hard work I need a sit down and a beer, so Stella's were cracked open for an hour or so before went to...

Asda get my booze in. Got a load of Alcypops in and got dropped off at home to get ready. Got picked up again at about 5.30 and....

Back to KG's

Here's a very rare pic of KG ironing. So him and Kathryn got ready while I got steadily drunker watching some proper crap on the telly.

Everyone Arrives

Bout an hour later Chris and Alex and baby Lewis arrived, followed by Pete, Jo, Ste, Claire, Phil, Moss, Emma and Jamie who was Emma's ozzie cousin.

"G'day mate!!"

The poor lad got tortured with Oz questions and was quickly given a pint of Blue WKD followed by several bottles of Grolsch. Poor lad was only 13 and was well away.


We all got stuck in to KG's George Forman'ed BBQ food which was a tastebud treat. We all had a load to drink and a proper good laugh. Some people were on the receiving end of the lardheads in the kitchen (KG, Pete, Moss and Phil) mixing drinks up! 'Vodka Grolsch' was concocted but I don't think Ste was a fan.

Blackpool (16th September we are all going by the way) was hyped up and is looking to be a sensational weekend. Can't wait now!

Also funny was Phil finding KG's showercap in the bathroom. Actually I'm not sure if it his but here's a pic with KG in it.

A minibus was booked for 10pm to take us to the town...


We can confirm that Moss is possibly more ticklish than me and Ste and Pete tortured him all the way down to Middlesbrough. Destination?.....


It was insane in here. We were all well gone. We hadn't been in 10 mins before Kathryn was up on the bar dancing with the barmaids, who were dressed in bikinis no less!

We also enjoyed a good sing song to some quality tunes. Spandau Ballet's Gold was given the "You are Boa - teng!!" treatment at the top of our voices.

There was a load of balloons up as well which Ste and Keith tore down and were bursting and messing about with. Also Ste splashed a bit of Smirnoff Ice on KG so KG reacted with a half pint of Stella across the shirt!

All this action got to KG who we couldn't find when trying to leave. I then saw him coming out of the disabled loo downstairs but he took a few steps and the turned round and jogged back in. Me and Phil then tried to get him out before Jo picklocked him out after a serious spewing session!! Stella has a habit of doing that in large quantities.

Moss got chased outside by Pete and Ste and had a brawl outside oveer their tickling fetish and this old bint blew me a kiss out the window. She would have deffo got it.

We all then went to Chicago Rock Cafe!

Queue Up

We had to queue for ages behind this mad pierced woman with a tattoo that said 100% Pure Bitch on her back. Keith was giving her a bit of stick. I says to Moss it should say 100% Pure Butch!

There was also a lass behind prodding me and Moss with a vibrator bought in a ladies toilet somewhere. Couldn't get a sheet of paper between my arsecheeks! Jeez.

Chicago Rock Cafe

It was absolutely packed in here, too uncomfortable to go on the dancefloor. When I went on first some lardhead managed to almost knock me out with a flailing arm so I retreated to the safety of Clairesy and Jo and had a dance up there. Moss also showed us some of the best Chippendales manuevers seen in CRC. Someone needs to look after him in Blacky and I ain't volunteering!!

After it emptied a bit more I went back on, though I was dissapointed with some of the tunage. Some very poor selections.

After a while it got boring like it always does and we left. Moss and Phil sorted out a couple of taxis for us all and off we went.

Taxi Home

The lardhead was well into his hardcore dance music and had the bass up so loud you could feel your ears vibrating. This sent Kathryn into 'spew land' and the window was quickly opened. She managed to keep it in. every ten yards the driver was giving it "Do you want to get out?". Funny as.

Poor old Heaney had to pay for it as well. KG - you owe me £7.50!

Dear Deidre

I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton, is married to a guy from Newcastle.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes.

I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in Wandsworth on remand centre on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part time working girl in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.

We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilising her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team.

Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Geordie?

Vote for Juanzo


Mind Your Head


Saturday, July 30


Pete, Robster, Moss and Chris


Mikey, Phil, Keith and Stevie

What a game, 8 elite athletes eager to deliver the goods and deliver the goods they did.

Pete's team got off to a good start before Phil got us on the comeback trail with his first goal.

I stuck a collosal 5 goals away (but managed to miss a good 6 one on ones), KG and Ste helped with a couple each and Phil finished his best game ever with a hatrick.

As for Pete's team, he and Robbie shared the goals and Moss and Chris put a couple of belters away.

It was back and forth for the full hour and with 30 seconds on the clock it was 12 - 12.

I was in goal and the responsibility fell on my shoulders. Robster had a strike which hit the post, much to my relief, before Ste got it on the break and finished to scenes of amazing celebration including Bobby Charlton '66 style leaps of joy!

We won but a penalty shoot out was called.

Ste volunteered to be our goalie and Robbie was theirs.

Moss to take.....scores! 1 - 0
Me to take....scores! 1 - 1
Pete to take....scores! 2 - 1
Phil was up next and scores!! 2-2
Chris steps up and misses! 2-2
KG to take the lead and hits the post. 2-2
Robbie to regain the lead. 3-2
Stevie to take it to sudden death and he does. 3-3

Sudden Death

Moss steps up and Stevie saves!
Mikey to win it.................Saved by Robster!
Pete steps up and must score. Stevie saves!!!!!
Phil stepped up following his best game to date and wins the match in style.


Pete 8, was good but lacked a killer instinct infront of goal.
Robbie 7, still superb but a bit quiet this week.
Moss 6, not as good as last week when he had several pints in him.
Chris 7, couple of good goals but a dodgy penalty.

Me, 8, should have had at least 10 goals.
Phil, 10 Star Man, a hatrick and a winning penalty.
Stevie, 8 cracking defensive work to win the ball back.
KG, 5, must try harder.

Thursday, July 28

Guess the stripper`s name

Funny, sick, but funny.

Wednesday, July 27

Mr. T

Monday, July 25

Ahdal's 42nd Birthday Party

Dickens Inn

Joseph Barry, that's my dad, kindly took me and KG for a blistering night out to mark Paul "JP mate?" Ahdal's 42nd birthday - the old bastard! Mind you he could pass for a 39 year old.

Well being the bonafide alcoholics that we are, me and KG were first there of course and I'm pleased to announce the lager is officially cold again at the Dickens.

I text Phil to see if he was out.

"On way."

Spot on, more chiefs to join the party.

Even the sun was trying to join us so we went outside in the best beer garden in Teesside.

Pete and Jo then rang KG and asked us to come down Redcar. I think not!! Jo sounded wrecked. The thought of a drunk Jo who had been to a wedding with a bunch of fudgenudgers was not appealing!!

Phil and Pattren (no official spelling has been given yet) joined us about ten minutes later and then Ahdal was next. Sambuka's were quickly bought in and he couldn't hack it. He struggled but fair play to the old man, he stuck em away.

Five a side was recapped - I'm hoping either Pete or KG will type that one up - but it was as Phil put it "More like Rugby!"

A surprise came out of the blue though for Paul when a pair of hands covered his eyes...

"Guess who!"

Phil: "Ya stripper's here mate!"

It was only KG's ma wasn't it, Sharon "Shazza" Groves herself looking lovely.

Keith quickly got embarrased mind and we weren't helping much so we moved on to...

Star and Garter

The fruities got hammered in here. What do you expect with 4 addicts and me on the loose? After getting nowhere on them we went outside for more sun before it went down.

Outside were two lads totally pissed up who had pulled their socks over their jeans and were pretending to be Nazis. Oh it was funny watching them try to hail a taxi.

"Und taxi ein und German?"

"Sorry mate I'm booked."

"Ya fucking black cunt!!!!"

This inspired me to tell all me best taxi stories - check the archives to find some classics such as KG dying and Sanjay Schumacher.

Drank up and got a taxi ourselves to meet Moss in Lloyds...

Taxi to Lloyds

Me, Paul and KG leapt in a taxi with this driver who to put it mildly had the worst BO you've ever smelt.

"KG is that you?"

"No is it fuck - its you!"

"Ahdal, check ya pits."

"Ain't me mate!"

"Er, driver I think ya want to be giving the old pits a wash mate start whacking on a bit more deodorant."

I've never seen KG giggle so much. Grow up man. Actually I think it was my next line of, "I'm only telling you as a friend mate" that set him off.


Met Moss in here and got the drinks in, the fruity was caned - we now had five severe cases of fruity addiction in one place.

KG and Ahdal had been hatching a mega bet on a horse which I forget the name of so he collects fivers in off everyone (but me cos I have sense) and the two of them went to Ladbrokes to put it on. "Meet ya in Yates lads!" was the cry.


Me, Phil, Pattren and Moss went in here, it was quiet compared to previous weeks, so we had a couple and went in Ladbrokes to see if they'd won. No way! Ahdal has never tipped a winnner since I've known him!!

Trader Jacks

Packed in here, but we got a seat on the leather couches by the fake fire with some very drunk birds who gave us a good show with some hot dance moves! More fruity action. They should ban them. We weren't in here that long before we went to...

Oz Bar aka Walkabout memory is fuzzy. Upstairs was shut-I remember that. I think Pete and Jo had phoned to say they were in Hogshead so we drank up and went over there to meet them.


Pete and Jo were in and we all got drinks in. I went for a toilet break and came back down the stairs and KG says "Heaney, shout Geoffrey!"

So I went for it, "GEEEEOFFFREY!"

It was only some lardhead who was sat with us for no reason. Can anyone explain that one as I only got half the story. Don't think we spent long in here before the lot of us then went round to...

Barry Cuba

It took ages to get served in here cos it was bouncing. Believe it or not the fruity addicts were at it again. I was well on the way now like and had drank a fair whack so my memory is not so good from here on in...

We left here and Pete and Jo met up with their poofter mates as mentioned earlier. "Hello Sailor!" was shouted a lot and, "Watch your arse Pete!"

Pete and Jo left for Hush or "Keep it Hush" as Pete and Jo now refer to it and we went to Aruba.

Actually, did we go in here?


We did go in here, but not before I put the filthiest traffic cone on my head and got covered in muck all over my hands. This led to a brawl between me, KG and Moss cos I used their shirts to clean it up with. Things you do when your drunk eh?! It ended up with me chasing KG down the street! If only he moved like that during five-a-side!

Anyway, £4 later, a quick sniff off a sniffer dog and a bomb scan (classy) and we were in.

It's safe to say this really is one pathetic night club. It's full of the scuttiest people in the town and every five minutes the dance floor is blasted with smoke so you can't tell how empty it is.

I hadn't been in five minutes before this lass starts talking to me about my glasses and trying them on. So I inevitably tried it on with her and sadly got nowhere. Married you see.

The funniest thing in here was Moss' hardcore dancing, a true sight to behold.

After about an hour in here and more clouds of smoke than ICI, me and Phil knew it was time for CRC.

Chicago Rock Cafe

I was straight in for a bit of Granny Grunt and Michelle, the latter in particular and well a gent never tells.

I lost the others. I think Ahdal went home after Lava. Phil kept reappearing asking if I wanted a drink as well.

KG will have to fill us in on the events in here!



Pete's mob v Mike's mob

Pete's 5's offical ratings were:

Pete Tong: 7 - nice start but well fucked.
Phil: Either 1 or 10 - Either he genuinely hasn't a clue or he is so good none of us quite know what he's doing.
Richard: 6 - Mind elsewhere, possibly in Angels.
Chris Groves: 6 - Looked lost. maybe wondering how his bro got into the boro shirt from 2 SEASONS AGO!

Mike's 5's ratings:

Mike: 9 - Didn't score as many, but still the boy. STAR MAN!!
Moss: 8 - Not bad seeing as he had 8 pints in him.
Robbie: 8 - Mint but it will be interesting to see what he's like in 9 years time when booze and parmos take effect.
Russ: 8 - Lanky streak of piss.
Mark: 7 - Not as good as Moss but, er, better than the entire other team put together.

About 19-6 to Mike's lot, if you were wondering.

EA Sports Cricket 2005

I got this about a fortnight ago.

Got home, stuck it in the Xbox, whacked it on and sat down.

Mistake No.1: Picked Namibia to play Australia. Selected Namibia as my team. Oops.

Mistake No.2: Put the Aussies in to bat. Yoinks!

Mistake No.3: Didn't know what to do. First over went for a confidence clouting 34. Gadzooks!

So back to the start menu.

Twenty20 match, Lancs v Yorkshire. Bowled, as was now experienced. Yorks all out for 76, after just 13 overs. I needed 77 from 20 overs, piece of piss eh? Eh? EH?

Now, I had (remember) neglected to read the instructions. Although, you can imagine its just a case of pushing where you want the ball and pressing the button.


It requires the timing and instinct that can only be drawn from 30 years of cricket.

After numberous stumpings, catches, swings, misses, a 4 off my helmet (ooh er missus) and a no ball from Hoggard, I found myself all out for the mighty total of 5.


2 weeks later though, I am almost getting the hang of it, and have actually hit some 6's and reached 200 from 19 overs against West Indies 'A'.

But it's still fucking hard.

Sunday, July 24

Sporting Legends Final

Is on Sky now, in the running are.........

Gareth Edwards
Ian Botham
Mohammed Ali
Martina Navratilova
Jack Nicklaus
Ayrton Senna
Lester Piggot
Steve Redgrave
Lance Armstrong

Winner later.

Don't Ever Get This Drunk


Protect Your Pointer

Click the top line of Jap writing. Class game.

Saturday, July 23


Anyone remember this?

Did some sort of dance remix get to no. 1 here?

Apparently is the no. 1 internet 'fad' along with these. Click.

Friday, July 22

Liverpool's 2005/06 team picture.

It doesn't include Bolo Zenden as he is sat warming the bench!

Strip Paris Hilton

Down to nothing in this nice little game.

She even talks dirty!

Strip her, here

High Five

This will hurt your head.

Thursday, July 21

Dod attacks his own leg.

Just watch it

Ya cant keep a good dog down!

This is just stupid!


One of those games

Where you want to chuck your monitor out of the window!

My best score is 12 bounces!

Can you beat me?

Funny little clip

Click Here


If the war had been a real time strategy game!

Wednesday, July 20

Geography Test

This will test ya.

Place all the European countries on the map.


Google Moon - Lunar Landing Sites

Zoom right in for a hilarious Google prank!

Tuesday, July 19

You Named it What?


Monday, July 18

Big Brother Update

So, Maxwell was voted out above Science by the fickle UK public. A wrong decision if ever there was one. But it has brought the house closer together and lead up to some of the best BB scenes we've ever seen.

I'm sure you'll agree that the live 'verdict' on Friday night was cracking stuff. For those not in the know, the public voted all week on the housemates (Makosi, Derek, Vanessa, Eugene, Science and Orlaith) and the two with the most votes were up for an internal eviction. The unlucky two? Vanessa and Makosi.

So they went round and asked the other housemates "Who goes?"

Vanessa, or "Miss Piggy" as they like to call her, gained the most votes and the public booed her out of there like there was no tomorrow. Superb.

And now, the end is near, the 8 remaining contestants...Makosi, Derek, Eugene, Science, Orlaith, Antony, Kemal and Craig...will soon be whittled down. I can see a double eviction on the cards soon.

Some classic moments from the last week were Anthony pissed up on his date with Big Brother, Eugene finding the mole and his reaction when he thought he had cut a real one in half with a pair of sheers (now that would have made good viewing).

So who will win? It's a tough one - Makosi is a definite no following that reaction on Friday. Mine is between 3 - Derek, Craig and Anthony. I'll go for Derek.

Big Brother, what a show, a televisual treat of twists, turns and tantrums - it will never fail to give us something to talk about when the footy is off.

Puegeot 1007

I wouldn't have one, but that advert and that song. Damned catchy and I've heard it before - but where?

It's been bugging me for quite some time until I finally got past the "Here it Comes, Here it Comes" searches on Google (which returned thousands of Rolling Stones "19th Nervous Breakdown" which it has blatantly nicked) and found the little beaut...

Simian - La Breeze, released in 2003 - it has a good video as well if I recall. (It's track 1 on the samples by the way).

I've finally put one of those songs that are in your head all day to rest at last. I can sleep well tonight!!


In case you thought KG was lying through his teeth, here's the proof!

Bad Day

Aren't you glad you're behind a desk all day?

Sunday, July 17

Few of us went out

Last night and this is what we got up to.

I wasn't actually going to bother going out last night as I thought I was pretty skint, but after a found out that I had more tatey than I thought had, plus Mikey, Phil and Patron were already going out I thought "Fuck it, am out"

Plan was to meet in the Dickens for 6ish, our Mam dropped us off, the sun was shining and lasses were looking mighty fine.

So we gets in The Dickens and Mikey said he fancied trying something "new"

"Pint of Grolsch?"

"Hmmm.... Go on then"

WARNING don't ever buy this drink, its a very poor excuse for a lager.

But it was warm and we were thirsty so even though a poor pint it still sailed down. Phil and Patron had joined us by now and we gets another drink.

"Don't get me Grolsch again, fucking shite" uttered Mikey.

So I decided to stick what ya know and I opted for a pint of Coors for me and a Cold Carling for Mikey.

Bad choice!!

WARNING when its cracking 90 degrees outside don't go to the Dickens for a pint, the lager was warm, and practically undrinkable, even for us deadheads. So we decided to leave about half a pint each and go somewhere we would get a decent pint.

The Star.

Phil bumped into a lad he knew who was also out last week (not with us, can I point out) and he asked "Where are the scousers tonight?"

"Gone home mate"

"Bit tasty them last week weren't the?"

"Ya not wrong mate"

Mikey got the round in and we sat outside where Phil and Patron told some brilliant stories which mainly included Cars, getting chased, and being banged up for the night or not as the case may be.

These stories cannot be printed on the Wallet for legal reasons!

To complete the Southfield Triangle(C) we headed for the Southfield and not knowing if the lager was going to be hot or cold we opted to play it safe with a bottle each, again we sat outside and bumped into Ste Rushby and a few more lads from Normanby.

As it was still relatively early doors we thought a visit to The House would be a good idea so we made the small walk up Linthorpe Rd and were met with a monster queue to get served, a good 15 mins wait, but all drinks in here are less than £2 so it was worth the wait. Once again more standing outside.

This one lad walked by who must have been outside all day without any sun cream on as his shoulders was red raw, we dared Mikey to slap his shoulders but he wouldn't. Also whilst stood outside the female glass collector made a monumental error in the art of glass collecting (I should know, I'm an expert in the field) she had the glasses stacked way to high and they were arching right back and everyone knew they were going to topple and they duely did, glass everywhere including showering these two good looking lasses legs. "Dya need a hand wiping ya legs?"

Phil recognised one of his taxi mates and he got a free lift to Lloyds, Phil jumped in the front leaving Me, Mikey and Patron in the back, none of us could breathe, good job the doors were locked.

Got a text off Pete in here, "Where are ya"

"Lloyds Chief" I replied

"Be there in 10 mins"

Apparantly the thought of Casualty followed by classic Who wants to be a millionairee on Challenge, was too much and he decided to join us. Whacked a couple of chunks in the bandit and made a slight profit and also knocked 3 bottles of Tiger into me, good gear that a tell ya.

Once we'd supped up in Lloyds we cracked on next door to Yates, which is quickly becoming one of me fave pubs as something funny always seems to happen in here lately. Phil asked the DJ to play Rocking all over the World and we decided weweren'tt leaving til he played, he eventually did and the place was rocking, we even got the mean looking female bouncer to join in with a classic air guitar solo. The place was rocking.

As we were leaving we noticed a bloke wearing an Everton Goalkeeper top on and also wearing a bowler hat. I thought gotta try that on, I approached the bloke and offered him £5 for his hat, he wasn't having any of it, so one of the other lads just took it off his head and planted it on mine, fair play to the bloke like, he posed for a piccie, which am sure Mikey will post soon, Top Bloke!

After Yates we headed for Trader Jacks but it was unbelievably hot and we soon supped up and headed to Oz Bar.

Massive queues at the bars downstairs so we went upstairs, well me and Patron did, not sure were the rest went, upstairs was dead, after I ordered the drinks, noticeded the barman was an aussie, well its not called Oz bar for nowt ya know. I go to him

"How much do you love Australia mate?"

"Oh mate, a fucking love it mate" he replied.

"Well why don't ya fuck off back there then?"

A look of shock descended upon his face, Mikey Phil and Pete joined us upstairs and they found some balloons, hence lots of getting whacked in the face off them, in the end enough was enough and Patron burst them.

On the walk down Albert Rd to the next set of pubs Mikey got talking to these 2 lasses and they linked his arms, however unbeknown to him, one of the lasses had a the funniest limp in the world, rumour had it she actually had a wooden leg! The poor lad got some stick for that.

Think we popped in Aruba but it was ridiculously hot in here and moved to Spensley's.

We don't normally go in here but it wasn't too bad, we played that stupid game where ya whack the top osomeone'ses bottle with the bottom of your bottle and the contents froths up and ya lose ya drink. Welthat'sts exactly what happened to Mikey after Pete whacked his drink a little too hard and he dropped his drink, spraying these two lasses with VK ICE, whweren't't impressed, think the word "Childish" was branded about.

Think it was cracking on for 11ish now and time for Chicago Rock, Mikey paid a couple of lasses in and was reimbursed with 2 bottles of VK, we headed for the dancefloor to watch the ladies and what not.

Nightmare - I saw "Head the Ball" remember her from a few weeks ago? I managed to avoid her and I think she may have left as a never saw her again. 3 of the lads met up with there other halfs as they were all out celebrating Emma's birthday. Chicago's got a bit boring and Peter suggested trying Lava, and seeing as though I'd never been before I decided to give it a whirl and to be fair it wasn't too bad. A pound got ya a Vodka red bull and FHM's high Street Honey's were in there. Peter and Phil left to find Emma and Joe leaving me on me lonesome, I sent Mikey a fetextsts but the twat didn't reply. So I decided to call it a day, upon walking for a taxi Mikey rings us and we got a taxi together.

We ripped the poor lad to shreds, asking him why he tries to rip off his customers all the time, we had agreed a fee of £7.50 but midway through we convinced him he was only getting £7, but the meter was still ticking, we took him the long way home and decided to give him a bit of his own medicine by ripping him off.

I got in about 1.45am, a good night out.

A Footy puzzle

You pick up the newspaper and you read that it was a busy day in the transfer market.

Arsenal have signed Sunderland’s Alex Welsh
Sunderland, however, have signed Mario Melchiot from Birmingham City
But Birmingham have picked up Shaun Bartlett from Charlton
Charlton, however, have swooped for Ashley Cole from Arsenal
Back in the north east Newcastle United have nicked Boro skipper Gareth Southgate
Boro fans are naturally distraught but they have got Fulham’s Steed Malbranque to ease the pain
Another on the move from Teesside is Colin Cooper who is going the opposite way to Fulham
And Chelsea have made a successful bid for James Milner from Newcastle.
Also on the move from SJP is Shola Ameobi. He is on his way to Bolton
The Trotters however have lost recent signing from the Toon, Andy Faye, who is going to Old Trafford.
Former Boro full back, Danny Mills, has gone from Man City to Everton
And there is a battle between Portsmouth and West Ham for Alessandro Pistone of Everton.
Lastly, Spurs have picked up Matt Jackson from Wigan

At first you are bewildered by all this activity in the transfer market but then you realise that all these deals have one thing in common.

What is it? (No need for you to answer Mikey as I told you the answer)

Spoof Rocky


Saturday, July 16


9pm at the Coulby Sports Hall, officially known as the Rainbow Centre.

Mikey "Predator" Heaney
Chris "Cool Cat"Groves
"Robster" Robbie
"Disco" Dale Miller.


"Pistol" Pete Heaney
Keith "Golden Bear" Groves
Russell "Twiggy" Miller
"Stevie "Big Nose" Merkin.

What an epic game.

Only 10 minutes had elapsed before a time out was called for a drink. I'm so glad Moss and Phil are joining us next week to lower the running about rate.

Some marvellous play from all of us, no one let their side down and Dale and Robbie were particularly impressive - full of running and only to happy to set me up for a massive 4 goals. They don't call me the Predator for nothing.

Pete's and Keith's team dominated in the early going before I got my shooting boots on and Dale and Robbie dominated the flanks and pulled us back level.

The last ten minutes saw goals at either end including the goal of the game from KG - two stunning tricks that left me and Dale for dead befotre he slotted home. With seconds to go, next goal the winner was declared and pete picked it up on the left, some slinky skills and a cracking finish and they won it.

Cracking game - thoroughly enjoyed it lads! Same again next week.


...... is booked for next week, 9-10.


Just Another Day at Acme Fudge

Friday, July 15

Optimus keyboard

How good is this?

Thursday, July 14

Bad Lads Army

According to reports the best god darn TV show will return to our screens later this month.

Best Quote from last year "I'm one mean mother fucker, you don't want to mess with"

Swingers Update

Chat wasn't particularly good but never mind as an e-mail has come through!!

Exciting stuff. This lady....

....apparently wants a bit! She's 18, from Durham. Come on chiefs, dig deep for Mikey!!


So last Saturday with a stinking hangover from the night before in Darlo I got up about 8ish had a quick flick through the channels and Big Fish starring Obi Wan Kenobi was just starting. It's a cracker of a film and I recommend it to anyone who hasn't seen it. Midway through bacon sarnies appeared and I was sorted. It ended about 10am when I remmebered I was picking up Pete and Jo at 10.45.

Got ready as fast as I could, nearly forgetting me card for Chris, Alex and Lewis (The Christenees) and got there about 10.55. Oops. I was met with Jo: "Mikey I could eat ya!". I'm such a good looking bastard.

Foot down, we got to

St Andrews Church

For just after 11.15 and were met by all the friends, the Newton's, the demonic Rachel, Emma and her Ma who managed to hit my car with her car door the div. Then everyone else appeared.

The Priest lets us in and Stevie says almost 2 minutes after ebing in there, "You know the Croc in Walkabout, don't you think that'd be a better steal?" What was he pointing at? Jesus on the cross of course!

The Priest cracked on, sadly there was no hymmns but there was KG, the Godfather, giving it his all not to make a cock of himself or look at us incase the giggles started.

After the sermon finished it was literally a race to the Tute in Eston. Jo and Pete got there pretty quick thanks to me but I had to go back home, get in our Pa's car, then pick the Merkins up and then drive back to Eston.

Get's to the Merkins pick up point. Grangetown Library. Two words rarely put together. Ste rings us but doesn't actually say anything but lets me listen on his whole conversation with Clare whyo was ringing Jo to say "Tell Mikey not to bother."

"Oh FFS!!" I cried.

So I got the Tute and had one of those everyone stops and turns and looks round moments.

The Tute

It was rocking to the finest DJ in Eston. Well maybe the only DJ in Eston. I was swiftly followed by Ste and Clare and the drinks, stories and laughs flowed. You can't beat club prices. £1.44 for a pint of Coors, superb. KG reckons he had 9. Time flew by, well it does when you're having fun and everyone left and the plan was set to all meet back up Middlesbrough later.

So me and KG ventured off to the Bookies and I got some grub in from Le Basel, Eston's only Serbian restaurant and grabbed a traditional Serb 1/2 burger and chips. We walked home and munched on that and then got the surprise of me life when I walked in his house.

KG's Boudiour

Inside I find KG's sister (Kathryn) and scouse cousin (Emma) and her scouse mate (Clare) all getting ready to come down the town with us.

"Ere mate, are you Eeeeney?"

"Heaney yeah."

"Erd a lorra bowt ya mate. How'd ya spell Eeeney? With an E or an I?"

"With a silent H!"

So these lovely ladies, who are all stunners by the way are prancing about in their towel wraps while I'm sat there drinking me vodka and orange. Paradise chiefs!

Had a good crack in there with the birds and that and gave the Merkins and Pietrre and Jo a fair few wind up calls before the taxi was ordered and we were off to...


Got there for 7ish and it was dead. Plenty of booze in and a good laugh was had. The worst bit in here was when the scouse cousin, Emma whipped me glasses off. It's not funny, just buy your own!

Pete, Jo, Ste, Clare, Phil, Emma, Pattren and Sarah met up with us in here and one or two and we went next door to...


What we realised in here was how similar KG and Phil looked, mocasin style shoes, dark blue jeans and, exactly the same shirt. I'm joining Phil's gang me!!

Had a couple of Tiger beers in here but it wasn't half pricey. Nice though.

Trader Jacks

KG and Stevie gave us a five minute blast of table dancing in here and I was molested by Scouse Emma. I was to quote someone, "Like a dog with two dicks."

Think we only had one in here if I remember, but it was ridiculously hot. The pub, not the drink.
Oz Bar

Or Walkabout as it likes to be called was rocking. And when I say rocking, KG and myself were on the stage and gave it the best rendition of Rocking All over the world Walkabout has seen. What made it better was the rest of the group were watching it on the CCTV upstairs. Pure genius. It was awesome in here, some class tunage and messing about.


Did we go in here? Can someone fill us in?

Chicago Rock

It was pretty shit in here really. I got stuck into Granny grunt's niece. Managed to acquire a mobile no. but I've only put it in my mobile wrong! Lardhead. Me and Phil left for a trip to Lava but were met outside by Emma, Pattren and Sara who said it was shit. Phil then went home with them and I went back in and boogied on down with the ladies from Liverpool.

Cracking day/night. We must return the favour to Scouseland soon!

As for Scouse Emma: Off the Hook!!!

How Good a Manager are you?

Repost - I missed the link off but now the actual link doesn't work. It's destined to not appear on the Wallet.

Wednesday, July 13


Mmmmm, lovely stuff this.

KG's Drink of the month

Unearthed it a few weeks back and sampled it again down the town last Saturday.


School Boy Error

Although KG came out with the best line I've seen in a while....

"Well come and marvel in an array of fantastic ball control, scintillating skills, tenacious tackling and bucket loads of goals with us as we watch the lads who are on before us."

He has posted two posts already put on by myself and Pierre. I gave us the yawning one and Pete gave us Hey Hey 16k

Away KG - find some new material!!

Oh look everyone.....

Them 3 Fat bastards over at the Burnley Wallet have decided to arrange a game of 4 a-side football on Friday night.

I'd love to see them play.

Well come and marvel in an array of fantastic ball control, scintillating skills, tenacious tackling and bucket loads of goals with us as we watch the lads who are on before us.

NOTE: Any potential spectators are warned it won't be pretty but we'll certainly make it entertaining.

Joining us 3 on the hallowed turf of Coulby Newhams Southland Centre is Our Chris, Disco Dale Miller, Stevie 'Big Nose' Merkin, Big Russ and Robbie, who from now on will be known as Robster!

Kick off is at 9pm and were hoping to last the hour.

God help our aching limbs on Saturday morning!


For a laugh, I've signed up for a Swinging website where I'm looking to meet loads of old bored housewifes all gagging for a bit of it.

So signing up hasn't been a problem.

I am a...


Looking for...

A Woman
A Couple (2 women) - had to tick that one.


Erotic Chat/Email/Phone Fantasies
Discreet Relationship
1-on-1 sex
Group sex(3 or more)
Other "Alternative" Activities

Ticked all of them.

My Handle is: - KingMikey83's exciting.

5 minutes later.

Ah, it appears you have to pay, quite a bit as well. Well that's that then.

So I plead to you Wallet fans to donate some money and get me some action. Oh wait they have a chatroom....more later.

What's that noise?

Galaxy radio run a quiz called 'What's that noise?'

Well what is it?

Am sure between us 3 Deadheads we can hazard a reasonable decent guess!

Check it out here

Darlo - Works Night Out

Darlo here we come for Richard's leaving do.

Lift There

Endured 40 minutes of Andrew and his missus arguing. Taxi!!


We got there and walked to the Weatherspoons, Tanners. Pretty good pub, nice and big and airy. Bet it's superb during a big England match. A few pints were followed by a Turbo Shandy followed by the discovery of the beautiful Kozel. A Czech bottled lager that even I, the big lager hater of the Wallet, can happily guzzle.

We were the first there before being met by Carol, her husband, Debbie and Helen, then Marie, Richard, Clare and Danielle.

After a while Carol dissapeared and left us. Me and Andrew were turning into the loud gets we usually turn into and it was generally agreed that it was time to, move on.


Still quiet in here but it didn't stop a few of us having a bit of a dance, myself included. The ladies love a dancer as I found out when I spent the next 20 minutes bumping and grinding. Also, Rob and his mates and Frances (my boss) and Andrew Malcolm arrived. We then moved round the corner to...


It was beyond hot in here. Pretty full up but we found these leather stool cube things to sit on and the birds sat on our knee. My hands were a wandering. 4 bottles of Blue Wkd in here for me and then we went to...


This was again very quiet but a good laugh. Most of us qere quite pissed now. I started to sober up. Some peeps were going a bit far - if you know what I mean. Wink wink. Anyhow we must have been in here an hour before I talked my way into buying a £12 wrist band that would get me into a nightclub free and all my drinks free. Hurrah! I'll have one of them...

Club 2K

So I was snuck in through the back for some reason in here. It was fucking dead. The music was good and it would have been cracking I think if there'd been a few hundred people in there. Instead it became a dance off between the lads and the lasses.

Everyone drifted off and we went for some chips before Andrew's missus picked us up.

Lift Home

40 minutes of intense arguments. Not good.

Darlo - could be good if we went in the right pubs. It wasn't too bad. Everyone had a good laugh.

Amiga Power

This is the Amiga Power dictionary, home to such beauties as "natch", "obv", and my persoanl favourite, "drop your science on those assembled".

Click on the letters to get to, er, that letter. Natch.

We can all learn from this.


Some references will be very fucking obscure.

Goodnight Sweetheart

Tuesday, July 12

30 Hornets vs. 30000 Honey Bees

More intense wildlife action.

Some Quality Boro Goals

Marco Branca's overhead wins it for me.

Monday, July 11

Too Darn Hot

Due the fact it's finally made it over the 30 celsius mark in Middlesbrough and I am sweating like the Crazy Frog in a French restaurant there will be no review today.

Believe me though it was a cracking weekend!

Darlo, Christening, half pound burgers, naked women in KG's house, Scousers and Phil and Keith in their uniform all coming soon.

Click here for some photo's from the Christening.

Sunday, July 10

Tatey peeler!

Who's the fastest?

1 min 06 seconds for KG

Worst tackle ever?

Just nicked this off FMTTM. Horrific, lets try and list some more shocking tackles in the comments.

Hold Your Pint

30 seconds is my best.

Flaming Shot


Thursday, July 7

Windsor Knot

Learn for Saturday.

The Perfect Tyre Roll

A video clip taken from some kind of Motor Racing in America!

Michelin or Bridgestone?

Fish and chips twice please

The Worlds Largest Catfish.

Didn't Homer once catch this in an episode of The Simpsons?

Classic Rainbow

But not as we remember!

Check out Zippy and friends here!

Oh please no KG looks like Bungle jokes as there boring!


Nothing can dent the spirit of this country.

Bombs in London? We've been there before, with a far greater threat looming large but we fought on. And we will fight on. England never backs down from a fight and the terrorists have picked the wrong country this time.

Terrorist. A person who inflicts terror. You can't terrify the English. The spirit of WW2 won't dissapear and neither will the English people.

Stand proud England!

The Worlds ugliest dog.

Bolo Zenden

Seems to be settling in just fine in Liverpool, this is the most recent picture taken just this morning!

Scouse Bolo!

The Classic I.Q test

Whilst bored at work today and the mangers all off in a meeting for 3 hours, some clever sole came across this IQ test.

About 15 of us took the test and I scored a slightly above average score of 120. The best score out of us deadheads at work was 145.

The Question is who has the highest I.Q out of the 3 of us at the Burnley Wallet?

My money is on Mikey as he'll cheat and use the internet to research all the answers!

Anyway take the test here and leave your score in the comments bit


Al - Qaeda do us a favour and FUCK OFF!

So far 37 innocent people have been killed with thousands more injured, some critically.

These fuckers need to be taught a lesson or two and they've just messed with the wrong country.

Sort 'em out boys!

Keep up to date with the latest news courtesy of Sky

Wednesday, July 6

Loves Young Dream

For a laugh (yeah right!), I signed up to a dating site and, well, the response has been phenomenal. Sadly 95% of the respondents are either;

a) in a wheelchair or

b) can't afford a wheelchair.

So when I got one off a lass who looked half decent I thought let's see what's going down here. The convo was going well.....(Me blue, her red)

hi whos this

Alright there, you sent us a message but am too tight to pay for membership too reply!

lol me2

get about 8 e-mails a day from people without pictures then ere, she looks alright her! So I tracked you down on that faceparty thing


So whats the crack then, whats a dangerously young attractive lady like you doing on a dating site?

cos im sick of bn single lol. i dont use it as a datin site tho i use it to try n get new ppl to talk to n maybe more if theyre ok lol

Well aye, some right weirdos e-mail ya

lol ye

Tell us all about yaself then

well wat ya wanna know

Errrrr, What dya do

i sit on my arse all day lol

Ya must have terrible piles. Watching big bruv I bet

nope cant get into it this year

It's the best yet man!

i only watched the first 2 showins of it lol, so i dunno wat its like

So don't you work or owt?



nope. i used to go but something happened in my life so i had to stop

Ooooh, sounds serious

well ye it is sort of

Oh right, want to talk about it?

its only an illness i got diagnosed with


ulcerative colitis

I sort of know what that is. Does it stop you doing everyday things and that?

when it flares up ye

Do you have to get regular treatment and stuff

im on medication for life for it...n i hav to go to hospital ever 3 months for checks up n i see my doctor every month for checks up. brb

And that's where I swiftly ended the convo. As you can see I'm a serious charmer and don't have a clue what ulcerative colitis is. A quick Google search cleared that one up. I really regret that 'terrible piles' line now. Poor lass.

More love stories soon!!

Steven Gerrard in Little Britain.

Yeah I know!

Derek's "Backwards" Comment

"(Referring to Anthony) He's from a backwards place, the North."

The cheeky fucker eh?

London 2012

It was a decision that gave us all something to go home smiling about this miserable Wednesday.

What a result!! England beating the French. Again.

Seb Coe has pulled off a marvellous result and London has won the vote to host the 2012 olympics. I will be at my peak age of 29 where I'm hoping binge drinking will be the guest sport. I could be a real contender if I get enough practice in. KG is of course hoping that Bear fighting will be picked. And Pete is going for Parmo racing.

Good old England. We love ya!!

The Christening.

Well just 3 days to go until I fulfill my duty as Godfather, little Lewis Groves gets christened and we have one almighty piss up!

The Church and boring bit (Cue massive Jesus lecture from Nathan Paylor)gets under way at 11.30am, Lewis is the only baby getting "done" that day so hopefully the priest will whizz through it ASAP in order for us to be at the Eston Institute for 12pm sharp!

Bit of a nightmare getting from the St Andrews Church to the Club like as its a good 20 minute walk, so it looks like A1 Taxi's may be busy on Saturday afternoon.

Once in the Tute its mega cheap for drink, I highly recommend Pints of Coors Light at £1.44 a go.

Our Mam has put a spread on, where you can find the usual delights of Sarnies, pies, Curry, etc etc. Took in lads and lasses.

Now if I can be serious for a moment and recap on what I mentioned on Saturday night at Phil's BBQ, please don't tell any KG stories especially the ones about Granny Grunt, Head the Ball and Wersal Gumage. So for example if one me aunties comes up to you and says

"Do you know our little Keith?" (yes that's what am known as)just answer politely

"No I don't know him, am only here for the free grub"

Once we get kicked out of the Tute for cracking on 5.00pm I think we should stay local for maybe another hour or so then organise some taxi's up the town to complete an awesome day. Weather seams to be nice on Saturday aswell!


Anyone from Darlo? Or Darlington as you may call it.

Lad from work is leaving or did in fact leave today and his 'do' is going to be a pub crawl around the Skinnergate area. What's the crack - where should we go and where shouldn't we? Club 2k has been bandied about.

Darlo had best deliver the goods as the mood in the camp is postively buzzing for a truly epic night out. This could be 'the' works night out of the year.

Tons of photos (well probs 6 or 7!!) and a cracker of a review all on the Wallet probably on Monday next week.

The Godfather

KG on Saturday and in about 20 years time as well.

I would of course have put the picture on the post but Blogger being the most unreliable thing on the net I couldn't.

New Oasis Video

I think it's excellent.

Books for kids

Don't remember these from school!

Tuesday, July 5


We'll send you a prize if you do a good one and send us it.

Bolo Zenden

While most Boro fans are now comparing him to turncoat, spotty sack of shite Ziege, I would like to remind people how much Bolo meant to MFC over the 2 seasons he was on the staff.

Remember him scoring the winner against the Arse in the semi? Remember him slogging his dutch nads off to keep the gunners out in the last 10 mins?

We all remember the goal in the final, as Bolo went arse over tit on the spot, and all of the neutrals (who were supporting Bolton, natch) said it should be disallowed as he took 2 touches? Nonsense.

Then remember him dragging us virtually single handed at times through our first euro campaign, and also supplying crucial goals when the strikers were mis-firing?

For all this, when his contract ran out he was bound to go to a bigger club. Most say that we are on a par with Liverpool, but we only will be when we've got championships and euro trophies coming out of our ears.

So good luck Bolo, as of August 14th. Hope you have a shitter against us like.

Big Bro'

Science and Maxwell up for eviction.

Maxwell has been reverting to how he was for the first 2 weeks, and not the lap dog bed wetting shithouse he was under Saskia.

Science walks the line between genius and total fucking jockey, with plenty of stuble-age toward the jockey side.

Science to go!!

Whack your prediction in the comments before Friday night eh?

Monday, July 4

Shortest Personality Test

Something nice to end this blogging session on. Here's one for the girls.

Which one are you?

I thought mine was pretty accurate...

You are dreamy, peaceful, and young at heart.
Optimistic and caring, you tend to see the best in people.
You tend to be always smiling - and making others smile.

You are shy and intelligent... and a very hard worker.
You're also funny, but many people don't see your funny side.
Your subtle dry humor leaves your close friends in stitches.

Especially that last bit.


Type in commands and they will react. A few to try are dance, conga, make poverty history.

Try it here.

If you find new ones leave them in the comments.



Kill Crazy Frog

Not only can you beat the annoying little twats teeth out, if you swing hard enough you can take his head clean off.

The best link in ages.

Sporting Legends

I missed last night's one. If anyone knows when it's on again leave us a comment.

Mock The Week

What a fantastic show. Cross Whose Line is it Anyway with Have I got News for You and you have superb 30 minutes entertainment on a Sunday night. Rory Bremner's Michael Howard impression - I could watch that all day.

Also liking 8 out of 10 Cats at the minute with the brilliant Jimmy Carr....

".....Michelle from Pop Idol losing 6 stone is like the Titanic losing a deck chair!"

".....the death of Princess Diana did give us two beautiful things. The memorial fountain in Hyde Park and that 'Slow' sign in Paris."

But, Dave Spikey. Get some new material!

2012 Olympics

The decision is getting closer and closer hopefully London will be successful and it will be an awesome event.

Back the Bid here!

Get on.......

....that fucking bandwagon chiefs!


You're KG in a Formula One hotel, and chuck this bitch around like you own her.

But not in real life, as pain will occur.


Top Album

Here in Wallets-ville, our musical preferences are spread right across the spectrum.

Mike, for example, likes songs from nearly 50 years ago, saying that "all this modern stuff is shite", whereas KG likes a bit of the Quo. But only because he heard one of their songs on cup final weekend.

I'll give owt a chance mind, and chanced upon an album by the rapper "Common". It's very good. Although it will be dismissed as "Rap shite" by Mike and Groves will only like it if Gareth Southgate lifts a trophy in one of the videos.

But you have to try it, at least to say that it's shite. But I think you might like it.


Top marks to Phil and Emma for hosting the second of a series of summer BBQ's.

I got tanked up on the sublime Tiger Beer followed by some lovely tequila and lemonade before me and KG scarpered off down Middlesbrough to meet a couple of lasses from work. Went to Walkabout and it was, to coin a phrase, pretty gash.

Couple of photos of the lardheads in action here.

Lessons From Live8

What did we learn?

That music can conquer government policy? Perhaps. That Geldof is a white knight and Midge Ure is his slaphead steed? Maybe.

What I learnt was:

Swearing is big and clever. Especially at 6.35 on a Satda night with billions of kids watching. Snoop Dogg, top notch rapper and name speller, managed to ask a mildly stunned Hyde park to "Make some mutha fuckin' noise". They did. Madonna swore, Robbie swore, even Dido swore - "pissflaps" (allegedly).

In the politically correct USA, however, things were slightly more tame. African Americans were rolled out left, right and centre. Kanye West, reaqlising he was being broadcast to the world, dropped the word "nigger" from his song, just leaving a meaningful gap.

His mate Jay-Z though, sacked that and went for "Nigger", "Cock-sucker" and the old fave "Mutha fuckin'". Bless him.

So, if you want to get a prime ministers attention, call Tony Blair a cunt next time you see him.

Monseuir Chirac.

Live 8

Didn't see all of it but it was pretty dead the first few hours.

U2, Coldplay, Travis, Elton John and Pete Doherty and the others failed to light up the crowd. From the clips I've seen, The Who, Pink Floyd and McCartney had them going at the end though.

Pink Floyd got all the praise at work like. Did anyone see it? Or like us were you out getting pissed?

Ricky Gervais stole the show for me with his five minutes.

"Bob's just got off the phone with President Bush and not only have they agreed to double aid to Africa they're going to quadruple it! So that's the concert over then, please leave quietly..."

(Singing and motioning for others to come on stage) "It's Christmas time...!"

Damned funny.

Happy Independence Day USA

The day that Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith saved the world with a virus programmed on a Mac.

If only the aliens had some better software eh?

Can't believe those Africans managed to bring down a 50 square kilometre UFO down with a spear. Live 8 eh? Waste of time.

Saturday, July 2

Some Footy News

Here's happened so far this summer.

Glazer takes over Man U. Man U fans riot.

Brazil beat the Argies 4-1 and win the Confed Cup. That Ronaldinho's a bit good isn't he?

Boro say "Fuck off!" to Spurs after their cheeky bid for Downing. Boro also unveil their new kit which appears to be last seasons shirt following a stroke.

Sir Bobby says "Glazers alright! Honest!". Man U fans riot.

Laurent Robert spends about £150,000 slagging off Graeme Souness. Worth every penny.

Newcastle sign Scott Parker to fill in their weak central midfield of Dyer, Bowyer, Butt, Jenas and N'Zogbia. Never mind he was only £6.5m.

Everton have got rid of three of their best players: Stubbs, Watson and Pistone.

Man U sign Ji Sun Park and Ed Van Der Sar. Man U fans riot.

And, Aston Villa have signed Kevin Phillips. Oh man.

Bring back the Premiership early please.

Live 8

Is it going to be any good then? Should be awesome in my opinion. Some cracking bands on there and some shit ones as well but we'll all just turn over to BBC 2 and see if anyone better is on.

At least there is something on this aftie during the football void that is Summer in an odd year.


It hasn't happened for a while but I've just done a huge post on Big Brother littered with gags, one liners and sublime observations only for Blogger to go and lose the post. Bastards.

Dream Team Winner

So Pete, just who on earth won the Dream Team for last season? Can we have a winner declared please!? I reckon it was between me and Joanne. Hope it is me, I could do with £30.

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