Monday, January 31

BW Babes Update

No responses yet from any chiefettes out there. Plus Claire won't let us in to take any photos the spoilsport. I mean I nearly fell off their shed roof trying to get some yesterday.

Remember girls, huge prizes on offer including a fortnight in Barbados for your best pics.

Get them e-mailed to

Advertise on my Cleavage

Why spoil them with adverts?

Hey Chief, Don't Make it Bad !!

Me, KG and his bro Chris went down Boro for a piss up on Saturday. Here's what went down...

KG and Chris started early doors in Eston's famed Institue Working Mens Club to watch the Man U demolition of Boro. Once it got to full time the taxi was booked to pick them up at 7.30pm and pick me up on the way to town.

I rings him at 7.35pm, "Now chief, what's happening?"

"Me and Chris staying in the club chief, seeya later."


Click. Hung up.

Wind up king that lad.

Taxi finally pulled up at about 7.45pm and we were off.

Taxi There

Just getting in I knew instantly KG was wrecked.

"Now chief!! Been fucking waiting for you ya fathead. Where've ya been?"

"Now Groves, how many you had?"

"8 pints!"

"8?!? You'll be home before 10 chief."

"Nah man."

For further proof, every time we went round a roundabout, he did whole 8 year old lean as hard as possible into the person sat on the left. Me.

Recapped the match and finally got to...


I got the Stella's in, KG rang Paul Ahdal to see if he fancied coming out. He already was out and would join us in ten mins. KG gave a brilliant account of how Chris spewed in Liverpool following a heavy night of Stella but I'll let him tell that story.

Ahdal arrived and then dissapeared again. Where? Well the fruity/quizzers of course. He's addicted.

Get some freaks in this pub, I mean not just us but we can't have been in 10 mins and these three biker/goth/idiots came in. Keith had his back to him and was giving it the whole "He saying owt about me chief?"

Me: "Chief, he just called you a lardhead!"

KG (mouthing): "Lemme at him, gonna kill him."

Keith then gave the barman a hefty dose of threats whilst the poor sods back was turned. You have to see it to find it funny.

I then spotted a work colleague coming in the door with his family, Mr Andrew Pollard. He didn't see us and sat down near the entrance. KG says, "Give us his mobile number, funny as this, watch."

So Keith dials it and....

AP: "Hello."

KG: "Oh hello there, it's David Simpson from the Child Support Agency."

I looked across at Pollard and he couldn't hear over the Hogs tunes, so he goes outside.

KG: "Can you hear me? Yes, it's David Simpson from the Child Support Agency. We've got a query from a Dorothy Greenwood regarding her son, Leo Pollard."

KG having first hand experience in this business then went through a whole host of official sounding forms and procedures as poor Andrew's face got more and more concerned. Me and Chris were pissing ourselves.

After finally hanging up he came rushing in to his brother who was now at the bar.

"Ere, who's fucking numbers this man? Fucking CSA man!"

Me: "Now Andrew."

And this one of my biggest regrets now, I let on that it was us. Could have had it going for weeks and made some money out of it. Damned cruel like.

Supped up our Stella and moved on next door to...


It was absolutely heaving in here. KG caught one of the Brothers Grim we always bump into at the bar and he got our drinks in. Turned out that lass from Walkabout a couple of weeks ago was in! KG was gutted! "Hean man, could a stopped us! She's at least 40." Fussy isn't he?

Anyway the VK Ices were in and the music was pumping out at a hardcore rate. KG being pretty well gone gave it some of the best hardcore dancing I've seen that early on a night out to "Blow My Whistle Bitch." Laugh? I nearly died.

We left there and coming outside saw a huge queue for Walkabout! What's going on here? I thought it must get like this while we're usually getting tanked up on Southfield Road. Getting closer though it clicked that the fire alarm had gone off!

As a result...


...was packed for once. We went upstairs to get served. Chris gave the barman some stick which was funny - his jeans were practically falling off him. "Ow chief, get a belt!"


Don't think we spent too long in here, drank up and walked down to...


Bumped into a load of Chris' mates who said they'd be in Vienna later. "Aye, going there chiefs!"

My round again. I got stung big style. Got us a Double Vodka Red Bull each at a mammoth £8.97 which isn't bad but only a week before they'd been £2 each. Eggshell, who was a few years above of us at our school served us and he really got some stick. The robbing bastard.

Chris and Keith caned the fruity in here, I did a bit of texting then we moved next door to...


Keith got the Bacardi's in but he couldn't break his record from the other week. Him and Chris were struggling now. Chris had been for a toilet break in every pub already but we think he was spewing up. Not much memory of this pub, think we just stood and talked bollocks.

Walked around to...


On the way started talking to these mad women in tiaras who sounded like they were from Bradford, KG was getting stuck in. Chris got the booze in. It was literally hot Iron Bru WKD. It was disgusting. Drank very quickly again and shifted out of there too...


I paid the three of us in here. It was like a wasp followed me round all night stinging me. We each swiped a balloon each off the bar. Mine was burst by this bint who I wasn't too happy with. What did KG do with his? Kept smacking me and Chris in the face with it and giggling like a schoolgirl! Think Chris went to spew again. Drank our drinks and went to...


Let these birds in the queue infront of me and they and KG and Chris all got in before me as the bouncer stopped entries as it got to me. Nightmare, stung again on the door entry fee. I got in and bought the lasses a drink each. KG and Chris disappeared but it turns out they went and found Chris' mates from earlier and had a mad dance about on the dancefloor. I got stuck into these birds and was given the old "We'll be in Walkabout make sure you come." I should have gone there and then. KG and Chris turned up again and so did Ahdal who seemed to keep turning up 20 mins later in every pub.

The four us had a mad dance about, Robotic Tag that lasted an age and some more KG hardcore stuff! Mad bastards.

Left there and walked back up Albert Road singing "What a tan, what a tan, what a tan!!" about Ahdal's 20 tin a day orange glow.


Went straight to the DJ and five minutes later he hit us with a good 15 mega tunes. The mans a legend. Chris went pretty early on. Me and Ahdal carried on where we left off on the dancefloor. Couldn't find me birds anywhere. Don't recall having a drink in here. Ahdal went as well and me and KG called it quits early doors.

I spewed up just past the Empire bless me and we finally flagged a taxi on the A66 sliproad.

Taxi Home

The poor driver got a 20 questions session from us two lardheads. "Fave band chief?"


"Nice one, what song?"

"She loves you."

So what do me and Keith do? Sing it all the way home!!!

Got to Church Lane and we both started singing Hey Jude. Well, Hey Chief anyway!!

The driver was laughing his arse off, there not all bad you know!

Got so into the singing KG made him go the long way round to his house so we could fit a few more na na na's in and a "Hey chief-a chiefy chiefy chiefy chiefy"!!

Pulled up on the drive and gave the driver a quick "Easy!! Easy!!" cos I think we'd both forgot to do it all night!

A mad night out, cracking laugh again. Roll on Notts, if it's half a good laugh as this night out it'll be a cracker.

Sunday, January 30

In todays Daily Star Sunday.

They have like a "FASCINATING FACT" page, some of them are awesome. I have picked out the best ones.

  • Gambling is bad for you. 666 appears in the New testament and we associate it with Satan. if you add up all the numbers on a roulette table, you get the number 666!
  • An anagram of "Mother In Law" is "Woman Hitler"
  • In this season's 3rd round FA CUP draw, every premiership team drew a club from a league lower than themselves, boffins say there is only a 1.2% of this happening, and shouldn't happen for another 83yrs.
  • No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times.
  • The distance from your wrist to your elbow, is the same length as your foot.
  • If you stretch out your arms, the distance between your fingertips, is your exact height!

Cool eh?

How old do you act?

It's bit american, and stolen from that Madaling Arraw, or who ever they are.

Quiz here!

Saturday, January 29

What a Comeback!

A university lecturer reminds her students of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-arse bloke in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter.

When silence is restored, the lecturer smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand"

Hair, Drink, Redcar

I am sad to announce that Anth's Salon has closed down. I went across the road and got a hair cut for £4. It pays to shop around don't it? Eston is in bad shape at the moment. Get it sorted.

My taste buds are antcipating another session of beautiful fruit based alcopops and the finest lagers in all the land tonight when myself and KG go up town for another BW Classic. Guaranteed funny stories tomorrow.

Went to Redcar this afternoon. We'll have to have a few nights down here chiefs - I miss being off my face in The Royal following eight pints of Vodka Red Bull. Those were some unstoppable nights out.

This summer I'm deffo up for a month's worth of Redcar High Street. Simply put, I want to rugby tackle a bin, fight a kid, get thrown out of a pub and sing the immortal "If ya in the queue for Kudos, clap ya hands!!".

Man Utd vs Boro is rapidly approaching and seeing as we're going out staright afterwards I'd best start getting ready.

And, for any chiefs who have come across this site cos they used to go to school with us - John Rogan has updated his Friends Reunited - makes classic reading. Not as good as Peter Youngs though.

Electronic Spot the difference?

Can you beat my score of 13?

Try it here

Go Karting

Just got off the blower to the Go Karting people in Nottingham, who have confirmed there is a Weight restriction of 19st for the Karting.

So I guess everyone should be OK!


Friday, January 28

Kellogs - Drop a Jean Size.

Have you seen what them Lardheads over at Kellogs want us to do.

Have a look here.

But if we all did that, our jeans wouldn't fit, and it would cost us a fortune in replacing them!


Looks more like Martin Conway, that spas who use to go to our school.

Even though, I'm ashamed to say I found the photo originally. Talk about digging your own grave.

Glen McNamee's ObscureInternet gallery

Tell ya what - laughed just a bit when I noticed the two women in the corner. Genius.

Just to test........

Originally uploaded by heaneph.

This new Flickr thingummybob I thought I'd put this photo of the missus to be on. And has it worked......?

Mikey gets about don't he?

Check this out, taken from Obscure Internet's photo gallery.

Its only Mikey in it?


Due to space constraints and a lack of moolah we were forced to move form one photo album site to another.

So here are the Norwich Piccies at last!

Mad Game Alert!!


I don't know do I? Work it out yourself. I had to. What did your last slave die of? Run over? By a combine harvester? Oh shit. I'm sorry. I didn't know. Really.

31 by the way. My score that is.

Obscure Internet

Big shout out to big boro fan and BW 'linkee' Glen McNamee who added us to his links on his site.

A big "CHEERS CHIEF!" from us all.

Profile Problems

So why is my most recent post one on 6 November 2004?

What's the crack eh Blogger?

And why has the Wallet post count been on 567 for the past 4 months? We've easy clocked 1,000 now I reckon.

KG get's most views because of the Boro badge methinks. Although the Decepticon symbol is far more enticing on mine. Pete needs to lose the pic of him in his boxers like.

Profile Views.

Just a quick note about how popular we all are

In 3rd place with a lousy 283 views is Mr Peter Heaney.

Runner Up with a credible 385 is Peter's Brother Mr Michael Heaney.

But with a Krypton Factor of 417, its the popular 21yr old from Middlesbrough, Mr Keith Groves!

Just thought I'd share that with you!

Its the weekend........

And that can only mean about 15 things for the chief's here at BW HQ!

Me plans for the weekend are:

Have a monsterous lie in tomorrow morning, feels as tho I aint had one for a good 3 days! Every Bear needs his beauty sleep!

Am meeting our Chris in the Miners tomorrow afternoon, to watch the footy scores come, then settle down to watch the match that divides us Chiefs, Ya see Mikey is a Man United fan where as Me and Peter are massive Boro fans (We go to away games and everything). So one of us tomorrow night will probably be celebrating whilst the other one is drowning there sorrows. What ever way the match goes, where sure to have a top notch night out.

So the plan is leave the Miners more or less straight after the match, jump in a taxi, go and pick Mikey up from his house, then straight on to the place your dreams can come true, Middlesbrough Town Centre on a Saturday Night!

Our Chris aint experienced the Boro on a Saturday Night for a good while, and probs wont for a good while as his Baby is due on the 8th Feb, so the night out should be an eye opener for him! We'll teach him all the right sayings dont worry!

I reckon Mikey usual plan:

  • Hogs Head - To say prayers.
  • Blue - for a delicous pint of Kronenburg Blanc.
  • Dickens - gotta check it out after the refurb!
  • Star and Garter - them lasses still bucking?
  • Southfield - Fingers crossed they have replaced the pool game!
  • Blue Lounge - To see Mikey and Chris's glasses steam up and for the Pussy!
  • Lloyds - PVRB's all round.
  • Yates - Gotta try and beat me record for downing a Bacradi Breezer.
  • Hogs Head (Again) - Shots all round.
  • Huxsters - Cool refreshing VK ICE.
  • Barry Cuda - Don't know why, nothing EVER happens!
  • Flares - hopefully for some serious H.L.A!
  • Absolut - To pinch Miss Lowes arse (we can blame our Chris)
  • Vienna - For some classic robotic Tag.
  • Walkabout - for some serious crazy dancing and pull some birds (again)

So people will that Dink Dank Doo for you?

Then on Sunday I will recover!

Anatomy for Beginners

Anyone watched the whole series?

I saw about three minutes last night where the cut a dead guys Vas Deferens tube out. Ooof. Not pretty.

And, did anyone see Michael Moore's garbage?

Didn't need to see the beheading like. I thought I'd conquered those nightmares.

Das Weekend ist Here!

At fucking last!!!

My poor liver is crying out for some work to do and will be getting some severe abuse tomorrow when myself and KG crash into Middlesbrough at full speed for a boozing marathon. Quite frankly my dear, I can't wait.

Man Utd vs Middlesbrough kicks off at 5.20 and every chief and his dog will be watching that game in the Teesside area. Therefore a late start for myself and the bear. We will need to do some serious catching up. I suggest starting with the 5 shots in Hogshead?

Going to get my mop chopped at Anth's bargain haircuts tomorrow morning. Shite haircuts but there only a fiver - ya can't go wrong.

If ya wanna join us fior a top notch session of boozing, laughs and "easy, easy, easy!!" we'll see you in the Hogs at 7.30. We're the big lads on the fruity.

Also had the realisation that I will in fact get paid on the day we go to Notts.

Lads, the champagne is on me (because I will be one of the losers being sprayed by the champion go karter)!!!

Chiefs - what you up to?

Thursday, January 27

Go Karting

This is where we get turned away as the xxxl overalls haven't arrived yet!

Time for the Booze quiz.

Surely the amount we drink, between us we can conquor this quiz!

Click here

How Attractive are you?

Take this simple test, and see the results!

I was a pitifull 49%.

Click Here


To Lloyds Bar from the Hotel.

I see KG has to leave us after 0.3 miles.

Dunno why like.

Stag Do Update!

The stag do is paid for. The chiefs are set. Nottingham - are you?

I'm pleased to announce that following the shed we stayed in at Blacky we've gone upmarket and will be staying at a three star in the town centre - check us!!

The Comfort Hotel had best get themselves prepared for the ten lardheads we've gathered, myself included, who are going to run riot in the booze capital of England.

D'ya reckon we can have the pin number to order Red Hot 40+ Wives on channel 977?

The Burnley Wallet Football All Stars

Following on from KG's post - Just who do we play like?

1. Pierre....Diego Maradona

2. KG.....Socrates

3. Mikey...George Best (maybes with booze and women but deffo not on the football field)

4. Chief....Michael Laudrup

5. Lardhead....Nilton Santos

6. Big Nose....Gordon Banks

7. Nathan Paylor....Peter Schmeichel

8. Gambling Joey....Enzo Francescoli

9. Deadhead....Edgar Davids

10. Clairesy...Pele, sadly Abedi Pele from Ghana.

11. Put Pele in to see what happened....Maradona apparently.

Well that was fun.

Gadge in the Dictionary Update

Message received from Jeremy Butterfield at 5.27pm today: -

Dear Michael,

Congratulations! The word you submitted to Collins Word Exchange is currently being considered by our editorial team for inclusion in the next edition of the complete and unabridged Collins English Dictionary. It may be added to the main dictionary text, or to a supplement.

Wherever your word is included in the dictionary, we are going to acknowledge in print the fact that you submitted it. We therefore need to know the name by which you would like to be credited. We would be grateful if you could reply in the next couple of days, as our deadline for finalizing the book is imminent.

I’d like to take this opportunity to thank you, on behalf of the whole editorial team, and I hope that you will continue to visit the site and make further suggestions, as well as recommending it to friends who share your interest in words.

Yours sincerely,

Jeremy Butterfield
Editor-in-Chief, Collins Dictionaries

How good is that? Not only the e-mail but he has 'chief' in his job title!!

Wednesday, January 26

I play like Socrates

Just enter your name and see what it comes up with.

Clickety Click here!

Virgin Video's

Dont get excited lads am afraid it aint porn.

I found this last night, on Virgin music's web site.

You can view some of the latest music video releases.

Check it out here!


This top gadge has linked to us on his site!

Someone explain please.

2 chief's and chiefette in Norwich

Sorry for the delay but here it is at last!

Our Dad woke us up at 6.45am, so I could finish packing and nip to the bank to get some tatey. Anyway Pete and Joe picked us up about 8.00am, and we were off on the long trek to Norwich.

As we approached Greystones roundabout, me being the deadhead that I am, perked up with "Are we nearly there yet Pete?"

Just outside Nottingham I think was our first stop, Joe kindly rustled up some sarnies for the trip so we munched into them, we were a bit disappointed that BK was shut in the services as an XL Bacon Double Cheesburger, Super Size would have went down a treat.

So after we whacked Joe's sarnies into us it was on to the second half of the journey.

The Road into Norwich is like 100 miles long and for a good chunk of it, it is single file traffic, anyhow Peter approached a Roundabout, but he was in the right hand lane, instead of the left hand lane, instead of going right round the Roundabout, Peter in his super charged Laguna thinks "Some nice kind hearted fellow motorist will surely let me in, once a stick me indicator on". How wrong he was this complete Deadhead in a Renault Scenic, wouldn't let us in , and we could see him Shaking his head at us. Right Peter thought "al show that twat, the next opportunity we get am gunna do him" . An opportunity came and Pete was out like a bolt of lightning, as we over took him, he did the most comical "Wanker" sign, you have ever seen, lets just say he must have had a small dick!

After we had all calmed down after the spot of Road Rage, we started seeing signs for Boston, Peter being the Soccer AM super fan, shouts out in his best American accent "Boston Goals" as taken from Soccer AM, this kind of stuck, so everytime we saw a sign for Boston, one of us would shout Boston Goals, Eeeeh things ya do to amuse yourself on a long trip to Norwich!

We finally arrived at our hotel about 12 o'clock, plan was dump our bags and that in the rooms and go straight to the bar. We stuck to the plan, and we were soon drinking a very poor pint of Stella in the hotel bar, but after a 4 hour drive and a spot of road rage you'll drink out!

After the second pint, it was time to go and see Lisa and Nin who are friends of Joe's, so we orders a taxi to take us to there house, had a bit of crack with the taxi driver as you do like, I think I said something like "Now chief, Boro are gunna dick Norwich today like, 9-0 a reckon" he replied "ah don't care mate, am an Arsenal season ticket holder in I?". Yeah whatever!

The taxi cost us 8 brick, which turned out to be unbelievably expensive, he stung us good style, guess he didn't like me!

We goes in to Nin and Lisa's house, and were met with an over excited dog called Lennox, I think it was the same breed as Zack. Anyhow after saying hello and what have ya, Pete decides to pick up the dog and holds it a bit like you would hold a baby against your chest. The dog had obviously took a shine to Peter, and decided to shoot his Dog Juice all over Peter. Now Peter will say it was Dog Piss, but I belive it was something a lot more stickier. I was creased up and couldn't talk thru laughing.

So after a short while, Me, Pete and Nin were off on the long walk to the ground, we popped into Brannigans for a pint, think me and Pete were the only Boro Fans in here, and we watched the remainder of the Southampton Vs Liverpool match.

We soon supped up and arrived at the ground, we went straight to the bookies, and placed a few wagers on the Boro, none of which came up, to be honest Mr Ladbrokes must have cleaned up at the match that day! So we settles down to watch the match, Carrow Rd pitch looked tiny from were we were.

Am not going to talk about the match as we all know what happened, but every now and then there would be a chant of "You'll never eat a Parmo" which certainly tickled me. At Half time we decidced to try a Delia pie and a pint, We were very disappointed the pie fell apart, and the pint was like dish water.

After every Boro goal, as we all do, a rendition of EIO goes up, gets me every time, it must look class seeing 1'500 Boro mentalists doing EIO!

Also when Dean Ashton scored for Norwich to make it 4-2, Norwich played there goal celebration tune, to which all the boro fans started singing and dancing, I swear down the Stand was rocking, I thought its going to collapse. Another funny bit was when Boro scored there 3rd and 4th goals we started singing Easy! Easy! Easy! like me and Mikey were last week, a tell ya the Wallet gets about!. It was so tounge in cheek and so funny at the time, we now know it was a tad premature!

So we leaves the match totally heart broken and in a state of Shock and met back up with Nin who had a smile wider than the River Tees (I don't know the name of the river that runs thru Norwich).

Nin then takes us for post match pint in Lloyds were we watched Soccer Saturday in dis belief everytime Norwich 4-4 Middlesbrough popped up!

After we supped up, I was thinking try and forget the match now and just get totally wrecked! A lot harder than it sounds!

Lisa picked us up from the pub and drove us back to there house, me and Pete shared a bottle of Carlsberg as we chilled out and watched WBA Vs Man City in the snow! We then got dropped back off at the hotel were we could get ready for the night out.

After a quick Burger and a pint, we eat healthy on these trips away you know, we jumped in another taxi that took us to the first pub, Lloyds, I don't think it has high resolution pixel 6.7 as the one in the Boro does.

In the Taxi on the way to Lloyds, the car in front suddenly broke for no apparent reason, the taxi driver then slammed his breaks, skidded and missed the car in front by mere inches, Joe said she shut her eyes and prayed for the best! I think the driver felt a bit guilty for the near fatal incident and only charged us a gidiver! Result!

In Lloyds the queue for the bar must have 7 deep, but as we had arranged to meet back up with Lisa and Nin, we had to stay so Pete fought his way to the front in true Chief-sider style and was served fairly quickly.

I managed to find a quality vantage point right underneath the stairs, were we could see practically everything the lasses had to offer. Me and Pete thought this will Dink Dank Doo for us!

Lisa and Nin then arrived, and after a few more drinks, who should walk in, none other than Dean Ashton, Norwich's record signing and the deadhead who helped Norwich fight back to get a draw against Boro. So we then moved on to the next pub which was Brannigans.

In Brannigans, Me and Pete tried to get Robotic Tag going, but it just doesn't feel right in a foreign city, we must try harder for Nottingham, also I noticed in here one of two things, either us Chief's drink too quick (surely not) or the further South you go the slower they drink (Surely). Me Pete and Joe had finished our drinks and we were waiting for Lisa who downed a VRB, but Nin struggled with his VK Blue, so I downed it for him!

On to Chicago Rock, nightmare getting served, Lisa seemed to get crazier and crazier the more VRB she drank, she decided to get her tits out for the Wallet, pics to appear here later. I requested Rockin all over the world, by the Quo, which he duely obliged to play. After a while we all started to feel the knackerdness kick in, so we went and sat on these comfy chairs near the windows.

It was quiet hot in here and the windows duely steamed right up, probs soley down to me, anyway Peter started to draw stick men with huge knobs, which at the time was fucking hilarious, I in the mean time found a clean un touched window, and wrote the words "I LOVE PARMO'S" in big letters, picture to follow, Lisa in the meantime, decides to show me and Pete her lovely new red knickers, again picture to follow. I think we may have unearthed the Norwich branch of the Burnely Wallet fans.

After a long day, we decided to call it a night, and we all headed off to the Pizza shop at about 1am.

In the pizza shop I tried to order a Parmo as you do, must have forgot I wasn't back home in the Boro for a split second, these local lads must have picked up that I was Middlesbrough, and decided to give us some shit about blowing a 4-1 lead, I turned round and said at least We'll be in the Premier league next season! Apparently Nin and Lisa were a bit worried, as they thought I was going to end up scrapping with them. Who me?

So we ended getting a couple of pizzas a think, but by the time we got back to the hotel they were freezing, but I was so hungry a scoffed most of it anyway!

Got in about 1.45am, and just about to nod off, when that Lardhead Mikey rings us up from home, he accused me of Ringing Peter's house phone, every couple of mins, and then putting it down or something. I wish it was me, as it could have been another time, I wound up the Heanster, but I was to tired to be planning pranks!

The next morning, I woke up about 8am, and stuck BBC1, luckily for me I managed to catch Norwich Vs Middlesbrough, so the match wasn't a nightmare then? We went down for brekkie and whacked a full English into us. We had a few games of pool, and the fruity decided to rain chunks for me, which was nice!

Joe had planed to go round and say Tara to Lisa and Nin before we left, so we called round, to find them still in bed, there little lad George had to let us in, by unlocking 3 locks and a saftey chain, all whilst stood on his stool, seemed funny at the time! So we said our Goodbyes, and we started the long trek home!

On the way home, we again Blerted out "Boston Goals" at every Boston sign, and I decided to send Vernon Kay a text on his Radio 1 Sunday show, asking for a shout out for the 3 Boro Chief's traveling back to Middlesbrough after a top weekend in Norwich, the scruffy haired Bolton twat didn't give us our shout out and is officially on the nominee list for BW award Knob of the year 2005!

It took us again about 4hrs to drive home, but it was worth it for a top weekend.

Next stop, Nottingham!

Knowhere: Nottingham Going Out, Clubs, Music Venues, Cinemas

Apparently, where we should go.


This is where we won't be going in Notts.

Tuesday, January 25


Are we all ready? Have we all paid? Are we going to be chanting P M A!! P M A!! in the many many pubs of Notts? (don't panic Pete - you'll suss PMA soon enough and it ain't Positive Mental Attitude).

No, no and oh yes.

So, Senoritas and Hooters are deffo on the cards. Plus a go karting sesh on Saturday afternoon and of course several hours of STP1 (again Pete - don't panic).

Chiefs, lardheads and dead beats everywhere - 4 weeks on Friday Nottingham is in for a killing.

Easy!! Easy!! Easy!!

Celeb Big Brother

Bez won.

Claire - BW Babe

Just left a meeting with glamour model Clairsey Merkin and apparently the bikini shots will be scanned and e-mailed to me before the end of the week.

Watch this space for some scorching shots!

Monday, January 24

My review of Norwich

Will appear on here tomorrow night!!!

I had planned to do a review of a cracking weekend tonight, but I had to stay at work late, so I promise to do it tomorrow!

Later chiefs!

BW Babes

Remember this?

What a magnificent response it received.

Our first entrant, Jordan from Sussex has sent in a recent pic of her in the snow. She said she reads the Wallet because it fills an empty space in her life. The one between her ears.

Coming soon...Kylie from Australia and Claire from Whale Hill.

5000 Hits Surpassed!!!

The hits are flying in at a remarkable rate for this "piss about hobby". Keep it coming lads and we'll land a £25,000 sponsorship deal with Stella.

That's right Stella the nicest lager in the world. Go and buy some now.

Thanks to all the readers, visitors, chiefs, lardheads and dead beats out there that continue to make this what it is.

Long may the Wallet reign.

Bulldog or Yank?

Can you identify the Brit or the American?

I managed 12/20.

Sensitive these Yanks aren't they?

A list of tunes banned after 9/11.

My favourite?

Dave Clark Five - "Bits and Pieces"

Tornado Chaser

Scroll past Lassie and you'll start to see some awesome photo's.

Slap Fergie or Wenger

Will either of them ever shut up?

Weak Weekend

"Hello my neighbour, me and Peter's orff to the larnd of combine harvesters ain't we?! Going to see off those damn farmers and kick 'em orf my land."

Who'd have thought driving home from work on a Friday doing the best Devonshire accents heard in Boro would raise so many laughs?

Sadly for us, they don't actually speak "like thart" in Naaarwich.

After about the eighth hour of consecutive Championship Manager - totally addicted at the minute - I decided it was time for bed.

Friday over, 8 or 9 hours later it was...


Dennading. Yes that's an accurate prtrayal of the sound my phone makes when I get a text.

Oooh, it's a text from Pierre. Even better a picture text.

"Every 100 miles or 2 hours"

I sent him a text in reply.

"Fucks that?"

Dennading. "Blyth services poster."

"Where's Blyth?"

"Outside Notts."

Oh right.

No, I don't get out much.

After getting out of bed I opened the post. Just the one letter - from the stag do tour operators declaring that full payment of 800 sniffs was due Friday. Oh fuck a doodle doo.

Going back to bed wasn't an option as I had the Zackmeister to look after all weekend at Pete and Jo's house.

Got dressed and what have you. Our Ma asked if I wanted a Bacon sarnie to start the day.

"Aye, why not eh?"

Munched that and drove down to Asda to blow my tyres up. Long overdue. I thought I could see sparks in my rear view mirror. One of the back tyres was down to 10 and it's meant to be 30. Oops.

Flew over to the Castle Appleby, and was met by an over active dog who spent probably the next four hours running round, jumping, biting and wrestling with me. I was knackered by the time Boro came on so I took him back over our house and let our Mam and Dad look after him.

Dennading. Ooh, new photo. It was from Pierre and KG in the stand at Carrow Road. So they did go then and it wasn't some big ploy to let Mikey miss out an all dayer in Naaarwich.

Ouch - Norwich go 1-0 up.

Simply press rewind and all your televisual dreams come true. Amazing stuff.

Boro grab 1 back through Jimmy before Quedrue put them 2-1 up.

The texts started flowing and before too long it was 4-1 and the Boro fans, heavily influenced by the Burnley Wallet start giving it "Easy!!! Easy!!! Easy!!!".

Norwich grabbed one back. I sent one back tio the chiefs. "Ha - you shaddduppp!!!"

The next eight minutes unreal. They equalised in injury time. Mental.

Took the dog back over to Jo and Pete's and had a crack on GTA San Andreas. Dunno about anyone else but I can't be arsed with the missions. Get on a motorbike and just drive all over as fast as possible. In no other game can I walk into a restaurant called "Clucking Bell", shoot everyone, jump onto a Harley Davidson, ride for a good ten minutes listening to Lynrd Skynrd, get to a mountain, then actually ride up to the top and ride back down on a mountain bike.

The dog finally chilled out by now. I stuck the Tsunami Concert on S4c. I can't get my head round the Welsh language. It was pretty shite to be honest. Even Eric Clapton couldn't save it and was particularly uninspiring.

Off to bed at about 12ish aching for a pint of Kronenbourg Blanc and some robotic tag.

Dennading. Another picture. Oh just to rub it in. It's from Pete and it's a picture of KG dancing like a robot.

At about 12.30ish a pair of tits came through. No not KG and Pete but a real pair! (I'll try and get these photos on here by the way.)

Got to sleep and then at about 2.30ish the phone went.


Silence. Oh I wasn't happy.

"Fucking wanker!!"

And this happened about three or four times before I rang him. Well who else but KG?

"Ow dick - fucks going on eh?"

"Uh? Yav woke me up ya lardhead!"

"Yeah - like it's not you ringing us up?"

Apparently not. You can tell when you've woke KG up. He has that tone of voice that sounds like he's quite willing to jump in a car and drive back to Middlesbrough and nut ya.


Morning has broken!!!! Oh wait, there's been a cloudburst of snow and everything's frozen.

Went out and tried to defrost my car and went arse over tit on the ice.

Spent the rest of the day waiting for the lardheads to come home. And they did at 3ish.

What a weekend eh?

I am definitely out this Saturday, even if I pay for the stag do out my own cash.

Anomalies Unlimited

Awesome site this. Certainly makes you think.

An Atlas of The Universe

Hurts your head after a while.

Sunday, January 23

The Silence

Sunday is drawing to a close.

It's been suspiciously quiet.

Come back tomorrow night for the rundown of Mikey, Keith and Peter's weekend.

The Burnley Wallet returns tomorrow.

Thursday, January 20

This weekend I'll be mostly.........

Drinking alcohic in Naaaarwich!

Yes as Peter has already stated were off to the land of fields and Combine Harvesters, for the match, and for a general piss up on the Saturday night.

Learn this song Pete for the match


Also wouldn't mind seeing a goal like this from one of Stevie Mac's troops.

Its a screamer!

Few points about Norwich

  1. Will they have a Hogs Head?
  2. Will they join in for Robotic Tag?
  3. Will they be able to understand us?
  4. If I show them how, do you think the local Pizzeria could knock us up a Parmo?

Really looking forward to it, should be a cracker!


Two thirds of the Wallet are off to Norwich this weekend to see the Mighty Boro play the canaries. Setting off at 7.30AM from the house, then pick KG up, and then straight down.

The AA claim it will take 4 and a half hours, but I'm betting on 3 and a half, or even 3 if I watch Smokey and the Bandit the night before - About 230 miles, at an average of 80 ish? No bother.

How will Norwich adjust to the likes of Easy! Easy! Easy! and the legendary 'chief'?

Will it snow?

How many speed cameras will clock me on the way down/back?

Only time will tell.

Top Gear

The finest episode from the best thing on the telly is on-line.

Get it here.

It's the one with the Ferrari 612 v the commercial flight to Switzerland.

(350 Mb mind, but well worth it.)

Wednesday, January 19

Fish discovered with human face

What a load of carp.

Peter Griffin Sound Board

Family Guy better than the Simpsons? Pierre is certainly a fan.

Monday, January 17

Easy!! Easy!! Easy!!


My Dad took us up to town and wa smade funny by the fact that every sentence KG spoke included the name Joe.

"How long ya had this (car) now then Joe?"

"4 or 5 months now I think."

"Or yeah, it's nice Joe."

"Think Boro will win tomorrow Joe?"

"Joe is your name Joe, Joe?"

And so on and so forth.

Got dropped off at the bank and withdrew some tatey for what ended up being a night of the year candidate that I'm fearing just won't look as good on paper as it did while you were there. But here's what went down...


Chuffed to see Arsenal had lost when we got in here. KG got the Stella's in and talk turned to my best man speech. KG was in tears at one point when I said, "What if I get hecklers in the crowd?"

You know, "Ow fatty - erry up!!"

Or get a raging fit of giggles? Panic is setting in!!

Also recapped Soccer AM which was such a good thing to do as you'll find out later.

Blue Lounge

"It's worth going just for the Kronenbourg Blanc!" I said to persuade KG not to pass it by.

It was dead, there was four people in their including us two and the barman.

About ten mins later these four lads came in. One got served and all the others got refused. How I laughed!

Tried to nick a WKD shot glass but got caught. "Just having a look chief, easy!"

KG asked the chief to stick the lotto on but the barman was a bit of a loser and wouldn't. Bring back that tasty bird from last week.

Drank up the finest drink on the planet and got in a...

Taxi to Star

Oh man this was funny. The poor driver was an asian elder and had a white beard.

"Now Santa! Bet ya get that all the time don't ya. Take us to Dickens?"

"Is shut mate."

"Alright, Star and Garter my friend! So what d'ya get for Xmas then?"


"Nowt!?! Well ya probs don't celebrate it do ya? Been watching Celeb BB chief?"


"Done out recently mate? Ever?"


"Day 994 in the Big Brother Taxi and Mustapha is still driving round looking for fares. He seems quite tired and is getting sick of loudmouthed Boro lardheads getting in his cab.....Bet ya get dickheads like us all the time don't ya?"

"You want to go to the Dickens?"

Tell ya what, I laughed so hard.

Anyway he dropped us off at...

Star and Garter

I got the lagers in and went for a wazz. I swear I could hear them two birds from last week still bucking. Came back and I'd missed a near brawl after a load of beer went flying. This gadge stood near us - his sleeve was drenched. Mind you it was lime green and needed destroying.

Some good tunage in here from Elvis and The Beatles. Sadly not performing live. Well done to Elvis on the 1000th number 1.

Drank up our Carling's and moved next door to...

The Southfield

Just before we got in, these birds needed backing out of the car park. Last time KG backed a car out of a car park he knocked a trolley stand over in Asda car park but that's another story.

Since the trickshot pool isn't in here anymore it's quite shit really.

KG piped up...

"Chief, fancy the Gold Run?"

The gold run being the feature on Blockbusters touch screen quiz. Unfortunately there was three student chiefs on it.

KG: "Chief, we gonna shove em off the quizzer? Gonna back us up all the way?"

Me: "Just ask em."

KG: "Nor man, gotta take em out!! Back us up chief away"

I thought he was going to go over and powerslam some of em!! He was on a mission. He wasn't taking no for an answer!!

Gets up to the machine.

"Gonna let us have a go chief?"

"Er, probably."

Keith was stumped and didn't no how to respond to such an indifferent answer so he walked away slowly. Started watching the jukebox. I says, "Groves, it's The Hives!!"

"Hean, I hate to say I told you so."

Drinking up and moving on after such a terrible gag....

Having talked about Soccer AM and now quite drunk, started to imitate the two old British wrestlers that appear on the programme....

You know the ones...

"Easy!!!! Easy!!! Easy!!! Arrrrrrrghhhh you shaddddurp!!!!!!"

All the way down Southfield Road, jeez, I nearly chocked to death I was laughing so much!

Blue Lounge

Way too serious in here for us two daft bastards. Grabbed a bottle each and drank it very quickly. Boring!!

Taxi to Lloyds

Jumps in and it was another asian gadge. They must get used to the stick.

Driving along and this bloke steps out in front of the cab quite close. I shouts "Run him over chief!!!"

Now he had glasses on.

Driver: "That's your brother that!!"

Me (in my best John McCrirrick): "HOW DARE YOU!! Tell ya what chief, you must have 70+ driving round the town haven't ya?!"

Driver: "Or ye...."


Then from all the way from say the Crown: "Eeeeeasy!! Eeeeeasy!!!"

He dropped us off at Lloyds and was pointing out the various babes walkling past. Tried to drop him in it but none took the bait.


KG bought us both a DVRB, I struggled with mine. We went upstairs for no reason whatsoever and came straight back down again which seems to becoming a weekly tradition. Drank up fairly quickly and went next door to...


Orange Bacardi's all round. We got to the fruity and I'd had two sips of my bottle.

KG goes, "Hean? Erry up man!!"

I looked at his bottle and there was less than a quarter left! Amazing. This gadge thought he knew me from Stockton the damned lardhead. Didn't have a clue he was. Thought I was on for a free drink for a while.

We left there and for some reason passed up potential BW Gold. There was a small trolley but KG passed it up. I was gutted and I think deep down inside KG was too.

Hogshead Revisited

I got the 10 shots in. Absolutely finished me off. I combined two Cream Egg flavoured ones and that was serious hard work. If I recall I think every shot was met with a "Eeeeasy!! Eeeeeasy!!"

Thought I was gonna spew but half way up the stairs the feeling wore off and I came back down. I lost KG and thought he was outside. So I went outside and hurtling towards me was a lardhead in the trolley! Sadly not KG but that would have been hilarious.

Turns out the big guy was still in there ringing me before he joined me outside.

Walking along to Huxters I pushed the trolley half way hoping someone would jump in for a ride through a shop window but it never happened. Missed a good opportunity there.


Pretty busy. Keith bumped into his mates from work who I call the Brothers Grim. Proper miserable gits two of em and ones deaf but he's alright. I got down to a bit of dancing with what I thought at the time was one of their girlfriends. Pretty average tunage I think - drank up our VK Ices and went to...

Barry Cuba

Not a clue what happened in here. I know I had VK Orange. Thats it. Scary really.


I thought I was in for a scrap in here just for talking to someone but a few handshakes later and everything was alright. They then were trying to fix me up with this bird who looked like she was with her husband. Only in Middlesbrough eh? I wasn't having any of that so we drank up but they followed us out and I nearly got dragged to Isaacs.

"I'm ganning to Vienna pet!"


No treble vodka and coke for once. Could be the worst visit to Vienna ever. Having a Blue WKD and drinking it in about 4 minutes did nothing for the Vienna experience. Bumped into Mark Judge and KG got talking football with him and how good he and Peter Guest used to be. Mark now works for Railtrack and Guesty's well, just Guesty.

No mad dancing in here and we left for...


Some seriously mad dancing in here. Some of the best air guitar, robotic tag and dosie doe you've seen. All the while giving it "Arrrrhhhh you shadddurrrp!!!" every five minutes.

The DJ gave us some mega tunes and full pub sing along to Bohemian Rhapsody.

I think we must have been in here a while considering how fast we clocked the other pubs.

The three brothers from Huxters were in here with this bird from huxters and I thought "Uh oh, more scrapping." Cos KG was getting well stuck into her whilst the deaf ones back was turned. It seemed to be timed to perfection! So I was laughing at this apparent sneakiness but I'm now told that she was their cousin. Ah well!! Could a been fun!!

Walk to Purple Onion

More Easy Easy Easy. Face it - every night is getting a heavy dose of that now.

We got to that IT training centre place and I spewed a fair bit on the wall.

As I was wrenching, KG starts pushing me and singing E I O!!! E I O!!!! and jumping around like a maniac.

I looked back with a look that said more than a thousand words. What did KG do?

"E I O E I O!!!!!" and starts pushing me even more while I'm wrenching my guts up and laughing like crazy at the same time.

He ordered a taxi whilst I died and it turned up pretty quick.

Taxi Home

Driver was well impressed with the pub count. He got a few Easys as well! I zoned out for most of the ride home and woke back up on Church Lane.

Gets in our house and the phone goes. Guess who..


I'm whispering it trying to not to wake our ma up. Funny as man.

Bout five mins later another phone call.

I answered and was shocked to hear KG singing Eurythmics....

"Sweet dreams are made of these, who am I to disagree...." I cut him off laughing like a loon.

Zzzz Zzzz Zzzz (Phone vibrating)


"....I travelled the world and the sev...." Cuts him off.

Zzzz Zzzz Zzzz

"...en seas, everybodies loo...."

Hangs up.

Zzzz Zzzz Zzzz

"....king for something!!!"

"Groves get to bed."

Zzzz Zzzz Zzzz

"Easy Easy Easy - Arrrrrrrrrrrrrhhh You Shadddurrrrpppp!!!!"

And that was it. One crazy night out. I don't think I've laughed so much. Happy days.

A few random answers

1. Jam roly poly please, with custard. But not spotted dick.

2. The one shortly after the South-East Asia Tsunami.

3. Gynaecology.

4. Mike's arse.

5. See no. 4.

6. When doing what? Sleeping? Dressed as a woman then for me. But only on Sundays when my name is 'Mandy'

7. £24.56, some belly button fluff, a copy of the Sport, a bag of jelly babies and a knackered Ford Mondeo.

8. I would love to have my waxwork in Madame Tussaurds. Cheers, what a nice gesture. Don't understand the shaved bit.

9. None, as they all appear to be peace-loving students. With 'flowers in their hair'.

10. Depends on what you mean by humiliation; putting a kick me sticker on my back as I walk round the streets? Plenty. Using me as a bog brush? None.

11. As it happens, I won't need them.

and 'me' final answer:

12. Yeah. Have you seen them kids in Africa? Poor buggers.

Friday, January 14

Busted Split

Thank God, I didn't find out this till now.

I would have been inconsolable at work. Charles (formerly of Charles and Eddie) has left and Impy and Joe are pretty useless without him so the band have called it quits.

McFly can run away with it now.

The Internet is Shit

I reckon this gadgie works in a library.

Thursday, January 13

A few random questions for Mr Peter Heaney.

Please anwer truthfully.

1. Would you prefer a Roly Poly or a Naughty Nurse?

2. What is your favourite Aftershock?

3. Whats your favourite Hospital ward?

4. Which area of the body would you like tattoing first?

5. What Body part would you like pierced first?

6. Dressed as a woman or bollock naked?

7. How much bail do you think we could muster between the 10 of us?

8. Would you prefer to be waxed or shaved?

9. How many Nottinghams thugs can we scrap with?

10.How many Lap dancers are allowed to humilate you?

11.Do you have a train timetable for Aberdeen?

and me final question

12.Are you worried yet?


"There is a 14:1 ratio of women to men in Notts."

Source: Keith

BB Celeb Update

JMC is up for eviction - keep him in! He is surprisingly funny.

I mean "How dare you!!!" did it for me. Even better than Max and Paddy's "How dare you!".

Thoughts so far - it's crap really but there's nowt else on is there?

Bez to win. Jackie to die in the house.

The Stag Do Rules (Pt II)

  1. If you see Peter without an alcoholic drink, you have to buy him one.
  2. Single shot measure for spirits are strictly a no go.
  3. No waking people up until after 8.30am.
  4. No going back to the hotel early.
  5. Checking your phone every 2 mins and walking around in a vest is strictly prohibited, ala Sad Sack!
  6. No staying in the hotel all day Saturday.
  7. If we get into a spot of bother we all stick together.
  8. No walking round a theme park for 2 hours (If Notts has a theme park)
  9. No double teaming if/when the Water/Milk/WKD (Delete as applicable) fights start
  10. No argueing and taking half an hour to decide where to go next.

And finally no trainers, ala Butthead, we want to get in as many pubs/clubs as possible!

I was struggling... think of something good for Pete to wear in Notts. Cheers Harry!

The Stag Do Rules

1. Peter's eyebrows are National Heritage and must not be touched. Luckily all hair below the neck is burnable.

2. Dale and Russel are the Scott and Mark equivalent and must be treat the same way.

3. Keith is allowed to wake you up at 4am but don't fucking dare do it to him.

4. At least three people have to agree to it if Stevie wants out of his room.

5. Don't try too hard at the go karting. These car slappers have egos you know.

6. No loud mouthed cunt allowed on the Saturday night.

7. Piss stops will be every fifteen minutes instead of ten as per Blacky.

8. We all have to get equally as minced on Saturday night as the Friday.

9. No tattoo's please. Only on Peter.

10. ENJOY IT!!!

Are You a BW Babe?

Read the Wallet? Female? Good looking?

Want your picture on the net to be seen by over 150 new people a week?

Then send it to the Wallet and we'll display you in your glory.

The BW Babes have landed!!!

Oh and yes, there will be prizes.

E-mail your pics here:

Notts cont........

Following on from Mikey and Pete's suggestions for places to go in Nottingham, I have come up with a little gem.

Deffo going in here

Wednesday, January 12

Senoritas Club

Someone buy me a padlock for my wallet.

It's Drawing Itself!!

I was amazed.

Tuesday, January 11


Can't wait to go to Hooters in Notts me like!

Who's the Deadhead?

So who is making the anonymous comments eh?

Come on own up. You're already in the nominees for Knob of the Year 2005.


How much tatey are the Walleteers looking to take to Nottingham?

You must consider there is an overabundance of lapdance joints and expensive pubs/nightclubs.

Looking like a £400 jobby including paying for going (£100).


Looks like I'm getting Pete and Jo a keyring each for the wedding.

Few thoughts on Notts...

Are me and KG the biggest threat to Peter fro pranks. KG is the king of wind ups in my book - not so sure on thr prank front.

Who will win the go karting? I'm going for Pete - if can still see on Saturday morning or Phil - a demonic driver.

Who will be most fucked? Why Pierre of course. Someone had better find out where the local hospital is to get his stomach pumped.

Tony M is driving us down. We are deffo getting lost.

What will it be like. A truly cracking weekend.

Can't wait now chiefs. Bring it on!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, January 10

If Keith had E-mailed Google

Now chiefs,

What it is right is we have this ad-sense on our blog. Ave ya seen it? The Burnley Wallet. Fucking class.

Anyhow right, we have ad-sense on it and we've made a fair few chunks on it. I personally wanted it for the fruity but ya know what the other two chiefs are like. Don't like em do the?

Right so we want to donate all the bin lids to the orphans in Japan and that after the big wave.

Cheers chief, let us know if I can keep a godiva aside and I'll try and win ya the jacky.

Nice one.

Sir Grovesy Charlton

Google Pt II

Just got this from the Chiefs at Google (or indeed, the Goigle-Chiefs):

Hello Peter,

Thank you for bringing this excellent idea to our attention, and I
apologize for the delay in responding to your email. As individuals, and
as a company, we are committed to doing whatever we can to assist with the
tsunami relief effort. Google, as you likely know, has recently set up to aid our users who are looking for
more information and for ways to help, and we are currently examining a
number of other ideas.

Please also know that I have forwarded your request and a number of
similar inquiries to the appropriate persons at Google, and they are
currently investigating the feasibility of such an endeavor. However, at
this time it is not possible to directly donate your outstanding balance
to tsunami relief efforts.

Please feel free to reply to this email if you have additional questions
or concerns, and thank you again for your patience. On behalf of the
AdSense team, I would like to thank you for proposing this selfless
measure and for your generous request to donate your AdSense revenue to
those affected by the tsunami.


The Google AdSense Team

See, they aren't all the twats under the sun. Lets see what happens eh?


Welcome one and all to the first ever Burnley Wallet Awards.

Myself, Keith and Pete plus several guests are currently live on Messenger and we will be announcing the winners live.

This post will be constantly republished, so keep pressing the reload button in your internet browser for the latest!!!

On with the awards. To join us in the chat add as a contact and we'll see you there.

The first award this evening will be for...

Night out of the Year 2004

The Nominees are...

Xmas Eve
This one
Boxing Day
Mikey's 21st Birthday with work
The night Groves went for a ride in the Trolley
KG's 21st Birthday Party

And the winner is....

Boxing Day !!!!!!

Funniest Moment of 2004

The nominees...

Groves falling out of his seat in the back of the Taxi.
Andrew Garrens spitting Orange VK over some scally scouser.
Stevie Merks pissing in a Pringles tube.
Pushing KG around in the shopping trolley.
KG at BK
This. Black chiefs.

And the winner is...after some hot debate...

Stevie Merks pissing in a Pringles tube and ultimately the whole 4 hour drive to Blackpool!! Genius.

The award goes to...

Quote of the Year

A good selection....some true classics.

The nominees...

"Can I have an Ice Cream chief?"
"Can any chief and his dog go up stairs?"
"Chief - can't go out tonight. I've got gastro."
"Oh Come here Chief".
"If ya dont pack in, al give ya a slap"
"No checked shirts and no wreaths!"

The winner is, truly deserved...

"Can I have an Ice Cream chief?"

Best TV Programme

It's agreed...Max and Paddy will Dink Dank Doo for the Wallet and collects the prize!!

The next award is for...

Best TV Moment

The nominees...

Ricky Gervais' acceptance speech at Comedy Awards
Little Britain - gadgey in the wheelchair dive bombs into the pool
Paul Burrell eating the bugs in I'm a Celeb
Ahmed smashing up the plates in Big Brother
From Bad Lads Army, talking to one of the recruits "You dont wonna Fuck with me"
Vic from Big Brother, doing one of his raps in the Diary Room.

The winner? The gansta VIP!!! Vic from Big Brother, doing one of his raps in the Diary Room.

Best Sporting Moment

A minefield of nominees...

Boro winning the Carling Cup.
Wayne Rooney's performances in Euro 2004.
Arsenal winning the Premier League undefeated.
Great Britains rowers winning Gold in Athens.
Kelly Holmes winning 2 gold medals
Europe winning the Ryder Cup in America.
Man United vs Arsenal.
Paula Radcliffe gives up.
The couple of minutes after Zendens penalty in the final.
Seeing JFH and Viduka in Boro shirts.

The winner is....

By a landslide...

Boro winning the Carling Cup.

Best New Word

Some marvellous words have been made popular....the nominees are...


Another landslide victory.

Chief wins it.

Best Burnley Wallet Post

The Wallet has seen some extraordinary stories....but whats the best so far?

Phone Sex True Story
The First Post
Max and Paddy Theme Tune
The Words to Baggy Trousers
The Nottingham Song
The Death of Casper

The winner for it's brilliant story telling....

The Phone Sex story.

Knob of the Year

Hot competition this year. I'm sure these people will be back next are the nominees...

Nathan Paylor
The total cunt from Blackpool on the Saturday night.
Mark/Scott from Dales Stag Do.
El Hadji Diouf
Alan Shearer

The winner is Ginger fat cunt Sadsack.

He's here now to accept his prize...

"Ahur hur hur hur...thank you, what have I won? A hur hur hur!!"

Burnley Wallet Fan of the Year

The one they've all been waiting for...nominees...

Claire Merkin
Stevie Merkin
Gambling Joey
Madaling Araw
Brian Tetzlaff
Das Spunken
Matthew Scarth

The winner beyond all shadow of a doubt goes to Claire!!!

Special Award for Contribution to the Wallet

I am
Gambling Joey

The winner is Gambling Joey. Sadly Joey can't be here tonight but will I am sure give an acceptance speech when he sees he has won.

Cheers for the interest Joey. You're a star.

And that ladies and gentlemen was fast, furious and downright enjoyable.

The BW Awards have gone down a storm.

Thank you all for making 2004 one hell of a fucking year.

Good night!!!

The Burnley Wallet Awards Live

Things are hotting up here in the studio and the excitement is building.

Here's a quick reminder for all of those watching.

And the nominees are...

How Times Change

What exactly is going on at the Dandy?

Less than an hour to go...

Unitl the very first Burnley Wallet awards show.

Live on Messenger!

The Pina Colada's are flowing at the Pre Show Party!

Some of these need trying.

Keith and Mikey Rock the Town

The winds were high and so were me and Keith - the first night out of the year went a little something like this...

Lift There

Keith's Pa kindly took us. Recapped the footy and United's shocking 0-0 with Exeter.

The Hogshead

No questions asked about the wreath thank Christ. Got a couple of Stella's in and was about to go on the fruity when some gadge just got there before me. I kindly let him on which KG wasn't too happy about. I must have a sixth sense, you'll see later. So went on the other machine and KG poured his "bin lids" into it. After a while though, and possibly on our second pint, we were chatting and what have you and this gadge left.

As KG so eloquently put it: -

"Tell ya what chief, that chief there on the other fruity must a put 20 bin lids in and didn't win a single chunk. You put a godiva in there - guaranteed Jacky!"

Which translates as: -

"Michael, the gentleman who was using the other fruit machine most certainly spent at least £20 gambling and didn't receive anything in return. I believe that if you risk £5 you will be guaranteed the Jackpot!"

30p and one button press later I'd won £31. Unbelievable.

Gave KG £10 for his efforts but my initial decision to let the bloke go first paid dividends.

A cracking start to the night!!


We moved over here and the two of us were grinning like Cheshire cats.

"Two pints of Kronenbourg Blanc please love."

What a drink! It's a pint of lager with a bit of a pineapple kick. Boodiful. It's the future.

Watched the lottery in here and had a bet on the Thunderball. Latter 6 numbers KG wins a fiver, first six I win. The bastard won.

After leaving there spent ages finding a taxi to go to Dickens Inn. Eventually got one outside Hairy Lemon and he drove us round to the...

Dickens Inn

Shut. Shocking.

Keith: "Star and Garter chief, I don't fancy walking 20 yards."

Star and Garter

"F**cking hell chief check out the pussy!!" were Keiths first words in here. He wasn't wrong. Two of the best looking birds seen in Middlesbrough ever. I'm sure one of them used to work at my office as well. Got the pints in and KG noticed (well I did as well - couldn't take me four eyes off them!) the lovely ladies went to the toilets.

We carried on drinking and a good ten minutes later they still hadn't returned. One of the lines of the night: -

"They're bucking chief!!"

Drank up in there and moved next door to the Southfield.

The Southfield

Gutted - the trickshot game has broken and been disposed of. Lets play Blockbusters instead! Impossible game.

Walked down the road to...

Blue Lounge

On the way Keith abused the new catchphrase that has been doing the ounds at his office: Yeah.

Me: "What do you want in the next pub mah fren?!"

KG: "Bottle of yeah!"

Me: "Yeah, in the next yeah?"

KG: "Yeah, bottle of yeah in yeah"


One of the busiest pubs this I would say. It's only a stop off though, nothing funny ever happens.

Taxi to Lloyds

Behaved ourselves!


Absolutely dead in here. Got a pint of Vodka Red Bull each in here. Didn't half feel that. Strong shit man.


Grabbed a Red Square each in here. Full of lasses dressed as nurses for some sort of party. Awesome!!! I'm sure we were having a giggle with them.


Couple of VK Ices in here. It was fairly quiet. I asked for a couple of tunes off the DJ.

"Never heard of 'em mate."

He then stuck "Brown Eyed Girl" on. The dick.


Again another quiet pub. Got a drink each and downed them in double triple record time.

When it gets to this point in the night I think we just either stand like a pair of zombies or laugh at how funny we think we are. It feels awesome at the time. Not good when you have no memory of it.

Bypassed Absolut and Aruba.

Fatal mistake - just wasn't drunk and daft enough for...


Got a treble vodka and coke in each. Danced a round a bit doing the old robotic tag. KG has invented a new move. The left arm drag. You need to see it to believe it!!!

I didn't enjoy it in here. Just wasn't too far gone enough. I also think I put my drink down next to a plain coke and managed to pick the wrong glass up just moments before my vodka was taken away.

Left there and KG fancied trying it. I didn't object: -


Can't have been in longer than two minutes before Groves disappeared into a private booth.

I followed suit and ended up having four dances. They don't call me Candyman for nothing. I'm like a kid in a sweet shop. Not as good as Redcar like - lasses are too thin and have no sense of humour.

As the Beatles should have sung, "She's a cock teaser!"

Poor KG said he felt like a right lardhead sitting on his own for half an hour! I tell ya what chiefs - I'm addicted.

Left there and went to...


No sooner had we taken one step in and we were molested by these four cracking birds. One wanted to wear my glasses for some strange reason so I couldn't see half of what was going on. There was one who was pretty big. She sprinted at KG and leapt on him. She's done his back in!!
I grabbed myself a chair out and was treated to several free lapdances.

Possibly the best ten minutes in Walkabout ever!! Superb laugh.

All went for a dance and that but again it was fairly empty so it was lacking in any atmosphere. Plus it was getting on so we left about 1.45ish I believe...

Walked back down past Spensely's way, got kissed goodnight by this random woman. Strange! Or it might have been the other way round.

KG fancied Subway but outside the Yorkshire Bank was a M & S warehouse trolley.

"Push us Hean!!"

I'm laughing my arse off...



Ramraided Subway and got a Bacon Sarnie each. Had a laugh with the chiefs behind the counter.
Remember the beggar from Yates on Boxing Day? He was in here!! Took the piss out of him for a bit, turned the drinks machine on and wasted a gallon of Fanta! We left there for the journey home.

"Chief we getting a taxi tonight after such events as Xmas Eve?"

"Yeah, no worries chief!"

Got up to the Empire and jumped straight into a Kwik Cars one. Have no fear.

Funniest part of the night probs, whizzing along the A66 and caught up to a taxi.

"Chief, no way is that...from...Xmas EVE???!!!"


His little Hitler tash was clearly visible as we overtook him. Never laughed so much.

Good start to the year but must improve and not pussy out on such fine pubs as Absolut, Aruba and Flares.

Sunday, January 9



An internet utopia where every desire can be fulfilled with one click and you can 'feel lucky' all the time?

Or a penny pinching, non caring organization who couldn't give a monkeys about the SE Asia Tsunami?

You see, I sent Google a message asking if I could donate my profits from the BW ad-sense program to the aforementioned disaster appeal. It was only 13 odd dollars but as Tesco insist on telling us "every little helps".

So, approximately one week and 2 days later, no reply. And no new home for the newly orphaned Timmy Tak-Tok (assumed name).

I have now sent a second enquiry, so I'll let you know what happens.

Keep the faith kids.

We will triumph over adversity.

Iraqi Shootout

Join my army!

A BW Love Story

Phil Oakey and Giorgio Moroder's classic "Together in Electric Dreams" as sung by Prof. Steven Hawking and Dalek 'top-knob' Davros (or indeed Stavros, as a particularly word-clumsy work colleague of mine referred to him).


Ain't it sweet?

Saturday, January 8




They want to 'hug' him.

The Murks Chimney Appeal

Charity buckets will be left in Netto Whale Hill for contibutions to the hurricane damage on Ainthorpe Road.

Please give what you can.

Claire won't spend it on clothes. Honest.

Breaking News

The Murkins have lost their chimney.

Damage Report

Following last nights unbelievable windiness here's a list of stuff that has dissapeared: -

Quite a bit of the top of our roof is now in the back garden.

Next doors fence has vanished.

As has half their Sky dish.

KG's back fence has blown down.

Looking at the back of our house there are three fences down. Everyone's roof has something missing.

One house now has a TV aerial hanging by a wire.

A lorry has overturned on Greystones roundabout and the Trunk Road is shut as well.

Great fun.


What are the chances of this happening?

Thursday, January 6

BW Top Ten Hit

If these chiefs can do it? What about ze Wallet one day?

Origami Nose

You heard me right.

An Origami Nose with an Origami moustache.


Print it out and make it.

You know you want to.

Ask an adult if you want to use the scissors.
But not if you want to use the matches.


For those of you
Readers who
Usually read the guestbook
It's nice to see
That we
Can get some
Awesome stuff
Kicking our way
Especially from Danny Haszard.

How is Daisy Duke anyhow?

Manga Creator Thingy

I somehow managed to make myself.

Weird eh?

Lightning Pool

Closest thing to The Southfield Pool Game I can find.

Build Your Own Anime Character

Press the button in the bottom right corner.

Funny for a bit.

Guess the Character!

See if the computer can guess which film/TV character you are!

Stag Do

The Stag Do is officially booked. Woooohooooo!!!

And here's a little bit of a song for you all to sing, with a new verse for Burnley Wallet pros: -

To the tune of Baggy Trousers: -

Nottingham is fucking cool,
Keith is breaking all the rules,
Russ looks like a snooker cue
and Daley is a stupid fool.

Emma wouldn't let him go
To Amsterdam or don't you know
That is where we should have went
We ended up on the River Trent

Oh what fun we had,
but did it really turn out bad?
All I learnt in Notts,
was not to drink too many shots.

Oh what fun we had,
but did it really turn out bad?
Went to Nottingham
and never had so much fun.


Pete's head is getting shaved,
lad's are in a mental rage,
we ended up at a frigging rave,
Claire locked Stevie in a cage

We act the fool, the women stare
Pete's got womens undewear
He looks a prick but he don't care
All he knows is he was there

Oh what fun we had,
but it did it really turn out bad
All I learnt in Notts
was not too drink too many shots

Oh what fun we had,
but did it really turn out bad
We went to Nottingham
and never had so much fun.


Phillips car it wouldn't start
Or was it just his dead go kart
We ended up playing darts
The stripper was a dirty tart

Tony's head it has a sheen
Hangovers made me scream
Chief you know I want Ice cream
Amsterdam was just a dream

Oh what fun we had,
but it did it really turn out bad
All I learnt in Notts
was not too drink too many shots

Oh what fun we had,
but did it really turn out bad
We went to Nottingham
and never had so much fun


Richards glasses, they are round,
Tony's jackets always brown
We gave Notts the runaround
And turned it into our hometown

Cocktail of Gin and Rum
We all say oh what fun
Blinded by the Midday sun
Drunken haze in Nottingham

Oh what fun we had,
but it did it really turn out bad
All I learnt in Notts
was not too drink too many shots

Oh what fun we had,
but did it really turn out bad
We went to Nottingham
and never had so much fun


Too Soon?

I see the aid boats are being filled with Fairy Liquid heading for South East Asia.


All the people washing up on the beach!!

Some People Have a Deathwish

Well tonight I picks KG up from work tonight and drove down past the Cleveland Centre to turn left onto Boro Rd just by the University and Doberman Solicitors (?).

When some scrawny student 'mutha' decided to step out in the road even though he looked and saw me coming but. He obviously thought he could make it! I'd seen him and eased off but thought it would be funny to scare him...

"Go on Hean!!" cries Groves.


He nearly fell over!

I nearly smashed my window pointing at him and making a "wanker" motion. Poor lad looked like he was going to have a nervous breakdown.

I've never laughed so much driving home from work. It's the little things in life that crease me up.

Can't Start the Year Staying In

So me and Keithston are hitting the town and going daft in Boro this Saturday. Ya better watch out!!!

Wednesday, January 5


Here's a real life pic of Stevie Mercs.

The BW Awards LIVE!!!

And the nominees are: -

1. Night Out of the Year

Xmas Eve
This one
Boxing Day
Mikey's 21st Birthday with work
The night Groves went for a ride in the Trolley
KG's 21st Birthday Party.

2. Funniest Moment of 2004

Groves falling out of his seat in the back of the Taxi.
Andrew Garrens spitting Orange VK over some scally scouser.
Stevie Merks pissing in a Pringles tube.
Pushing KG around in the shopping trolley.
KG at BK
This. Black chiefs.

3. Quote of the Year

"Can I have an Ice Cream chief?"
"Can any chief and his dog go up stairs?"
"Chief - can't go out tonight. I've got gastro."
"Oh Come here Chief".
"If ya dont pack in, al give ya a slap"
"No checked shirts and no wreaths!"

4. Best TV Programme

Max and Paddy
Bad Lads Army
Big Brother

5. Best TV Moment

Ricky Gervais' acceptance speech at Comedy Awards
Little Britain - gadgey in the wheelchair dive bombs into the pool
Paul Burrell eating the bugs in I'm a Celeb
Ahmed smashing up the plates in Big Brother
From Bad Lads Army, talking to one of the recruits "You dont wonna Fuck with me"
Vic from Big Brother, doing one of his raps in the Diary Room.

6. Best Sporting Moment

Boro winning the Carling Cup.
Wayne Rooney's performances in Euro 2004.
Arsenal winning the Premier League undefeated.
Great Britains rowers winning Gold in Athens.
Kelly Holmes winning 2 gold medals
Europe winning the Ryder Cup in America.
Man United vs Arsenal.
Paula Radcliffe gives up.
The couple of minutes after Zendens penalty in the final.
Seeing JFH and Viduka in Boro shirts.

7. Best New Word


8. Best Burnley Wallet Post

Phone Sex True Story
The First Post
Max and Paddy Theme Tune
The Words to Baggy Trousers
The Nottingham Song
The Death of Casper.

9. Knob of the Year

Nathan Paylor
The total cunt from Blackpool on the Saturday night.
Mark/Scott from Dales Stag Do.
El Hadji Diouf
Alan Shearer

10. Burnley Wallet Fan of the Year

Claire Merkin
Stevie Merkin
Gambling Joey
Madaling Araw
Brian Tetzlaff
Das Spunken
Matthew Scarth

Special Award for Contribution to the Wallet

I am
Gambling Joey

So there you have it - be there LIVE at 8.30pm Monday!!!

Craziest Match Ever?

7 Minutes Long.

BW Awards





Yep, thats right people, you can talk to us live on messenger from 8.30 ish on Monday 10th of January.

Just look for in messenger.

See you there.

Is it me.......

Or is this year going really quickly?

Scientific Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

Can't get much further than $1,000. Can you?

Worst Singer Ever

Based on Keith from New Years Eve apparently!

The Daft O'clock mystery text!

So last night, I was feeling rather tired after staying at work until 8pm and listening to the Mighty Boro get another footballing lesson against Chelsea.

Anyway I calls it an early night and switched the telly off about 10.15, straight to the land of nod for KG!

SO am there dreaming away when the next thing my phone wakes us up, as I have a text, "Fucks this at (Checks the clock) 12.50am!"

I grabs me phone and clicks on read. This is what it read:-

"I'm sorry, probs freaked u out now,
I'm not gunna be able to concentrate
when I see u 2mrw, u reallyturn me on.
sleep tight and sweet dreams. x x x x x"

This soon livened me up, and if I had the balls I should have rang the number, but I sent a text back saying "Who is this". To date I aint had a second reply.

There are several possibilities, as to what this is all about and they are

  • A genuine mistake, and it was meant for someone else (but why not reply to my text saying sorry wrong person?)
  • Someone trying to play a wind up on KG (likely outcome)
  • Someone really does like us. (Whey Hey!!)

Now if it is a genuine text and someone does like us, with them saying I wont be able to concentrate 2mrw, probs tells me that its someone from work, now I have all the good looking lasses numbers, so it doesn't bold well.

Anyhow I shall keep you's informed as to who the "Daft O'clock Mystery Texter" really is!

Tuesday, January 4

Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Does exactly what it says on the tin.

A Blog about Eston

How good?

Rejected Script for Episode 3

Lego freak has sense of humour!

Tsunami Pictures

Pictures 2 and 3 are just unbelievable.

Blog reading explodes in America

It keeps making the news.

How fashionable are we?

Monday, January 3

Did Jesus Exist?

Interesting if you can be arsed.

Nathan Paylor should read it.

He's up for "Loser of the Year" 2004 in the first ever BW Awards which are coming to your screens soon.

Jesus IS Hitler

It don't get nuttier than this.

Operation: Tiger

Bit like those old Desert Strike games. Quite good.

Don't Yawn

This'll make you yawn apparently.

Looks like she's got her rabbit on the go in most of the photos.

4000 Hits Achieved

The 4000 unique hits mark has been reached just 3 days into 2005. Our target is 10,000 for the end of the year.

Huge, huge thanks to everyone who has had a look and continues to have a look.

Here's to another 4,000!!

100 things we didn't know this time last year

Okay, here's some genuine facts.

Celebs Dominate Net Searches

Have to get the Wallet on in a few years!!

10 Pressies for less than £200

Just found this in drafts and should have published it a few days ago - oops!!

Due to the boredom that is "the bit between Boxing Day and New Years Eve" a new game was invented.

Myself and KG convened on Messenger (sadly not Melinda) and thought of five items each: -

My five: -

Mach 3 Razor
Monopoly Board Game
A Playstation 2
A Ferrari F40 Poster
Some nail clippers

His five: -

A 6 pack of Pepsi (330ml)
Friends Series 10 Box Set
Adidas Samba Trainers
Ant and Dec's Autobiography
90ml Hugo Boss In Motion Aftershave

The Object of the Game

Find them as cheap as possible, purchasable on-line and they have to be in English money. The man with cheapest list wins a fiver.

We had from about 6pm ish last night till 7pm tonight - but seeing as we both finished this morning we made it 11am.

The Results

My Findings: -

Mach 3 Razor - £3.87 - Amazon
Monopoly Board Game - £12.47 - Amazon
A Playstation 2 - £94.99 - Amazon
A Ferrari F40 Poster - £5.53 -
Some nail clippers - £1.95 - Hotbot
Pepsi 6 Pack of Cans - £1.92 - Asda
Friends Series 10 Box Set - £55.99 - Play
Adidas Samba Trainers - £37.50 - TrainerStation
Ant and Dec's Autobiography - £11.89 - Amazon
90ml Hugo Boss In Motion Aftershave - £22.50 - FragranceDirect

Total: £248.61

KG's Findings: -

Mach 3 Razor - £3.89 - Amazon
Monopoly Board Game - £11.47 - Toys "Backwards R" Us
A Playstation 2 - £94.99 - Amazon
A Ferrari F40 Poster - £5.53 - Allposters
Some nail clippers - £1.95 - Boots
Pepsi 6 Pack of Cans - £2.12 - Tesco
Friends Series 10 Box Set - £16.99 - Play
Adidas Samba Trainers - £26.00 - Sport-E-Com
Ant and Dec's Autobiography - £11.89 - Amazon
90ml Hugo Boss In Motion Aftershave - £24.95 - Eauzonebeauty

Total: £199.78

The Winner

Is of course KG, but he won't be collecting a fiver since there's a stewards enquiry over the Friends box set. I understood it as being the five disc and not the three.

Well there you have it, a fantastic set of gifts for less than £200.

Although, I'm not too sure how people would react to getting a six pack of Pepsi for Christmas but you can't have everything can you?

What We Learnt

Amazon is the daddy of Internet shopping.

It just proves that if you shop around you can find some top bargains.

Ultimately? Don't play stupid games with KG because he's a cheat.

A Burnley Wallet

True Story: -

Two boy carol singers ran off from a house in Burnley after snatching a wallet with £328 cash.

Police said that at about 6.15pm yesterday a 31-year-old woman answered her front door in Heather Bank, off Cog Lane, Burnley, to two boys who were carol singing.

But rather than wish her a merry Christmas, they snatched a black leather wallet which had been put down just inside the doorway.

As well as the cash, the wallet also contained Boots and Woolworths vouchers and cash cards.

The empty wallet was later found by a milkman about 500 yards away. He is said to have had a fantastic Christmas with all that money and bought a new spoiler for his milkfloat.

Predictions for 2005

Ho ho my friends, this is my general thoughts for 2005...

A quiet January for me - KG, Pete and Jo are going to Norwich one weekend.

5th Feb - I thing I'm going to the Dogs at Sunderland with work.

19th February - Will be a night out for my 22nd Birthday. A week later starting the 25th February we set off to Nottingham for Pierre's Stag Do which will be absolutely awesome I reckon.

March sees KG's 22nd birthday.

30th April - Pete and Jo's wedding -should be a stormer of a day.

The first few weeks of May they will be on honeymoon and I'm suire I'll be looking after the monster Zack.

I'm hoping for a long, long summer with lots of sun unlike 2004. Sadly no football tournament/Olympics this year.

Still, Big Bro will be on. I reckon a hermaphrodite will win this year.

Pete's 26th Birthday in August - I think we should go somewhere for the weekend? Who fancies that?

Rest of the year is likely to be filled with memorable nights out I'm sure.

December - even better Xmas days/nights out than 2004 - if that's possible!

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