Friday, December 30

Happy Birthday!

Big Happy Birthday shouts and cheers from all at the Wallet for beer-swilling, trouser-vomiting, fish shagger 'Disco' Dale Miller, who is celebrating his birthday by no doubt getting his arse out in a public place this evening.

What a classy chap though.

Alright, maybe not. You know what he's like when he's had a few. Alright, one. Alright, half a one. Alright, not even that much.

Many happy returns chief!

Don't drink the blue one though, eh?

Thursday, December 29

Jim and Edna

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, sheconsidered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays soundmindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied,"He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?"

Wednesday, December 28

Aerobics With Orca

Too much chocolate for Xmas?

Need to lose some weight?

Why not lose it with Orca's 30 second work out.


Thursday, December 22

Merry Christmas Everyone!!

It's that time of the year again chiefs, so myself, Mike and KG would like to wish all of our wonderful readers a very, very merry Christmas, and the happiest and most prosperous of New Years!

We're going into Christmas hibernation as of tonight, so posts may be a bit thin on the ground for the next few days. You can still leave your messages in the forum though.

We'll be back on the 1st of January, slightly improved and probably with cirrhosis of the liver.

See you then!


Wednesday, December 21


The handsome prince announced that a grand ball would be held to which everyone was invited.

Cinderella was excited but her wicked stepmother and the ugly sisters would not let her go. Bitches!

She was sitting disconsolately amid the ashes when her fairy godmother appeared before her.

"Why are you so sad, Cinderella?"

"Because my step mother and step sisters won't let me go to the ball. Sluts."

"You shall go to the ball, Cinderella. I will provide you with the most beautiful dress and glass slippers, a coach and horses and footmen to attend you."

"Oh, thank you, fairy godmother."

"There is just one condition, Cinderella, and listen to it carefully. You must be home by midnight because if you are not, on the stroke of midnight your vagina will turn into a melon".

Cinderella accepted this condition and in the twinkling of an eye the promised goodies were before her and she set off for the ball.

The ball was as wonderful as she expected. She danced with the handsome prince who only had eyes for her and, when the interval came she went into supper on the arm of the prince and sat opposite him. The first course was a slice of melon and the sight of this recalled to Cinderella's mind the condition that her fairy godmother had imposed.

Cinderella felt sad that she had to go home so early and picked up her knife and fork to start on her slice of melon. The prince, on the otherhand, ignored his knife and fork.

He seized the slice of melon in both hands and buried his face in it. He took the flesh into his mouth and slurped over it as he sucked and swallowed the succulent fruit. He did not stop until he had got every drop of goodness from it. He took the rind away from his face and juices were running down his chin. He said to Cinderella, as he laid the rind aside, "What time do you have to be home?"

"About half past two."

Tuesday, December 20

Dream Team update

With the hectic Festive season of football upon us, I thought I'd update us all. Between Boxing Day and 2nd Jan, all teams will have played 4 games in 8 days, so loads of points to be picked up.

Pete really needs to start scoring billy big licks as he's now over 100 points behind the leader Mikey. I still lie in second position, come back in the New Year for a further update.

Mikey's Mongs

1. Fridel 38
2. McCartney 0
3. Naysmith 0
4. Upson 28
5. A Ferdinand 46
6. Reid 11
7. Lampard 158
8. Downing 10
9. Geremi 24
10. Rooney 134
11. Van Nistelrooy 105

Total - 554

KG's Kings

1. Martyn 39
2. Mellberg 22
3. Spector -13
4. Knight 12
5. Queudrue 66
6. Rommedahl 22
7. Stelios 66
8. Gerrard 130
9. Henry 103
10. Defoe 48
11. Forsell 20

Total - 515

Pete's Pricks

1. Jaaskelainen 79
2. Samuel -5
3. Queudrue 66
4. Clement 23
5. Spector -13
6. Pires 50
7. Robben 45
8. Okocha 20
9. Arca 22
10. Van Nistelrooy 105
11. Drogba 60

Total - 452

The Chav Nativity

There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?) She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit?

He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref. One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like `Oo ya lookin at?' Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.' Mary's totally gobsmacked.

She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no Kappa-slapper.

I never bin wiv no one!' So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself. Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that. She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we are gonna get.'

Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'
Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go dahn Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah?

To have her bay-bee an' that. But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that. Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their heads. They're like `Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men from the East End.
Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an' myrrh?

Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?' It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message from this Lord geezer.
He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt.' Joe goes 'You must be monged if you think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey'

Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.'
So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's safe an' that.
Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref,

an' Jesus turns water into Stella.


Disco Dale Fishing in Norway

Reel 'em in Disco!

-10 in Redcar

So me, Phil, KG and KG Junior (Kathryn) were down Redcar for a change on Saturday night, here's what went down....

KG's House

Following a few lagers, a spot of ironing and Bat Girl (Kathryn's top gave her Batwings apparently) the four of us headed down to sunny Redcar with Mrs G. KG's mam.

Plimsoll Line

After a gruesome warm pint of Stella we tried a few exotic beers were tried in here. First up was

Tiger - which tasted absolutely rank compared to the stuff we had at Phil's BBQ in the Summer. Maybe this was the proper stuff and not Asda knock offs.

Next up was...

Brooklyn Lager which was even worse. It tasted like liquorice a bit and then a decent one was...

Singha which I would recommend.

So now feeling it after 7 or so strong lagers we were in the mood to wind some people up. These wind ups will remain top secret until we have got as many peeps as possible!

Ye Olde Bookmaker

It was old and pretty much so boring, people could have been making books in here. Crap pub that needs doing up urgently.


The DJ in here was just annoying. Every five minutes he'd tell us that the X Factor Final was going on. Which made us mouth obscenities at him.

"I'm afraid the X Factor Final is coming on in 20 minutes so the music will be stopped!"

"It's shit anyway ya baldy headed c...!" shouts KG.

There was also this really old woman just sat on her own in the corner. I took a pic but it's too fuzzzy for the Wallet. It must be bad considering some of the pics on here!

The Royal

Dead - NEXT!

The Promenade aka Freeze Your Tits Off.

Honestly right, I have never been so cold in my life. Whoever decided, "Lets go to Sharkey's!" (Phil) needs castrating. Speaking of which it took a good half hour before it felt like they returned to normal state.

Here's a pic of us three on the front....


I found the nearest radiator and defrosted. There was a proper spastic in here watching the X Factor final and he was well into it.

"C'mon Journey South, f**king C'MON!!!!"

"Shayne you're through, Andy you're through...blah, blah etc."

"OH I DON'T F**KING BELIEVE IT!!!! Journey South are out, oh f**king hell!!"

We then wrecked the place for some reason. Me and Kg were throwing a bar stool at each other and then me and Phil were brawling. Must have been the cold!


Cracking in here, but absolutely packed. Full to the brim with lovely ladies and a good atmosphere, it was 4 deep at the bar so only managed the one before heading across to...


Some good dance tunes in here. not one Xmas tune which I wasn't happy about. Bit of a dance and that before KG decided he was gonna fall asleep standing up. Not wanting to brave the temperature again we decided go now and we'll all get a taxi. Pretty good night.

Monday, December 19

Ricky Gervais Podcast 3

If you haven't been listening, do so because it's excellent.

Clickety Click, Microquips.

Sunday, December 18

Random Chuck Norris Facts

Some of these are classic.

It's a Wonderful Life

In netland. Click.


Nice work chiefs.

Saturday, December 17

X Factor Final

Who cares?

We know who's going to win, by virtue of the press release saying that the first song will be a slushy ballad. The sort of slushy ballad which stubble-tastic Timberlake-a-like Shane has sang from the first moment of this year's 'contest'.

Is it really worth watching? It's on for a mind boggling 2 and a half hours tonight, and I predict that:

1 hour 18 mins of: Slow motion clips of heads going into hands, smiley faces, uplifting background music.

1 hour of: Adverts.

11 minutes of: Dramatic pauses.

1 minute of: Genuine entertainment.

Good luck to the lads from Coulby though, but it looks like it's already been decided, not that I'm insinuating that it's fixed or anything.

In the Heaney household, the gap in the middle will be filled with that bastion of laughs and giggles, Casualty.

I love staying in, me.

Friday, December 16

I wish........

....the sarnie shop in Grangetown knocked these out, so I could have one every dinner time at work.

Might be quite filling though, eh?

We won't hear.......

.....a bad word said about our noble Royal Family.

Not after this, anyway.

Beer Review

OMFG chiefs! Check this little mo fo out!

This is Brahma. It's a new beer from Brazil. It's fucking beautiful.

To start with, it just tastes like flat lager. But then, oh, but explosion of fruitiness on the tongue, fucking hell, it's lush, and so easy to drink as well. 4bottles down in a matter of minutes.

I know I sound a bit wanky, in a Guardian wine column stylee. But this is very possibly then finest lager I've had for years. It really is that nice.

Brahma does everything that other 'fruity beer' can't do, and that's taste of lager. Kronenbourg Blanc for example, tastes like liquidised hairspray.

You have to try this. Do not delay a minute more. Go now.

Brahma - 10/10. And more.

Space Car Debts

I've gotten quite obsessed with this haven't I?

The final is on tonight. And despite giant moths, general crapiness, oh and Johnny Vaughan it's not too bad actually.

Quote of the night on last nights penultimate episode occurred when it was revealed to the other contestants that it was all a "hoax"....

"Lyca the dog was a joke then!!!!"

I can't help but think the contestant was having visions of a South Korean being asked what his favourite food was.

"So Ji Sung, what's your fave meal?"

"Oh, I Lyca the dog."

Thankfully JV pointed out this was in fact real. Maybe if JV, John Virgo had been hosting (is he still alive?) it could have been classic TV. Oh well, bring back Big Break I say.

"Say good night JV."

"Oh, no we can't, you won't believe this another moth...."

"Not you."

Wednesday, December 14

Things to Look Forward To

There's no point in being sad, bored or depressed with us lot around.

As if this year and the epic 2004 wasn't good enough, 2006 is shaping up to be an absolute stormer.


Top of the pile has to be the World Cup.

The Wallet hasn't done a World Cup yet and what better way to do it than one where England have perhaps their best and most realistic chance to win it for a long time.

Maybe we'll see a Boro cup final or even a Boro relegation battle if they don't pull their fingers out.


Then of course we have a wedding which of course means getting suited up and getting extraordinarily pissed up. Chris and Alex are tying the knot in July.

But more important than the big day is of course the stag do when apparently a good 20 of us, at least, are going to take Liverpool by storm.

That's not the only wedding for me, I'm at a workmates on Easter Saturday. I guarantee that weekend will not be good for my liver. Not sure if you recall last Easter Sunday but KG ended up wearing an Egghead!! Now that was a cracker of a night! No pun intended.

On The Lash

We will be having a re-run of the lads weekend away, something I am calling "Keep out of the Nick: 2006".

In an attempt to be a total alcoholic, I am going to try to go out every weekend without fail next year. I have received confirmation that KG is also up for this.

In another event, "9am Mayhem" the boys will be starting in a bar in Boro at 9am thanks to the new licensing laws and will be carrying on until 3.30am. There will be prizes!!


Myself and KG celebrate our 23rd birthday and Pete turns 27.


Roll out the BBQs, early starts, Dickens beer garden.


Big Bro, celeb and civilian editions will return, plus maybe even the Wallet can venture on to the small screen?

The Burnley Wallet

Will continue to grow and flourish and become, somehow even more brilliant than it already is!


I just can't wait. I'm loving it already!!

Tuesday, December 13

Space Cadets: An Apology

I'd like to say that despite slagging it off a bit last night Space Cadets genuinely excited me last night when Charley, the actor, or "random bloke paid by Channel 4 to be on Space Cadets" as I like to call him asked for £250,000 in used £20 and £50 notes.

"Oh, actually this is quite the concept!!" I cooed.

Not really, I sort of went, "Go on son, ask for a bit more you clever little bastard."

Anyway it was all going brilliantly until they transferred back to the parka wearing, smug, far too excited Johnny Vaughan who had to tell us the bad news....

"We sadly can't unveil the earth to our astronauts, the 'money shot', as a moth is loose in the studio."

You see, it's lines like that that have ruined what could have been a cracking little series. I await tonights episode for the outcome - they are now officially 'in space'.

Monday, December 12

Djibril Cisse

You fucking tit. Will someone give this doss twat a mirror?

For crying out loud, Abel Xavier was banned from footy altogether for lesser crimes.

Freaky Clicky Thingy

This is as mad as tits.

But not as mad as those tits.

Clicky Clickster chiefs!


How Rich are you?

Apparantly I earn £0.17 per minute!

See for yourself here

Podcast: Ricky Gervais Episode 2

Like the first one. I certainly did. Here's the second one.

If anyone could tell us how the chuff we make our own as I feel we are as good as Gervais, Merchant and Pilkington then we will!!!


Stolen, of course, from B3ta.

KG's works Xmas party

We at the CSA are pretty posh you know and we have 2 christmas do's. 1st of all we had our individual team day out, (last Friday) and the big office night out (this Friday)

So this is a quick rundown of what I got up to:

We all met up in here, at different times of the afternoon, me, I arrived at 11.05am the last to arrive was about 1.30pm.

At 2pm we had arranged for the Hogs to put on special free buffet for us - ya see if you can get 10 people into the pub they put on sarnies, chips, pizza, dips and crisps all free of charge. Fair play to the hogs like they came up trumps, we didn't want out heavy anyway, need to fit more room for stella!

Also with the buffet they handed out 2 party bags which contained Party Poppers, Santa Hats, disposable cameras, yet to be developed am sure there are some embarrassing ones, and some WKD dare cards.

So after 7 stellas I suggest we all get a dare card each, so I deals out the cards, including one to meself which brought Blackpool memories flooding back. My dare read:

" Drink a bottle of WKD in 1 through somebody's sock"

Nightmare - but not wanting to lose face I bought meself a Blue WKD and downed it through Rob's sock! Not Nice!

We cracked on in here and when I came back from the toilet there were 2 jugs of Vodka and Red bull, and 6 glasses, tuck in I thought.

Loads of small talk in here, including a heated debate, as one of the new lads (Who has been on the dole for the last 12 years) thinks the government should support him so he doesn't have to go to work. He's from Hartlepol so its understandable!

Funny as bit in here I went for a piss, I'm sure it was in here when I opened the toilet door this scruffy student type was coming the opposite direction but I pushed the door open and it smacked him square on the face, he did well not to go down. I think I just ignored him as I was busting!

The band were starting to set up and Rob decided he wanted a go of the guitar which was on show, but the band told him to "fuck off"

(I know not technically the correct logo but its the best I could do)

More talking bollocks in here, I was probably trying to act all cool and impressing the lasses but failing miserably. Managed to catch the World cup draw after a text off Mikey telling us it was on. Rob again - yes he is the office idiot/clown, danced on his own in the middle of Blue for a good 20 mins! Lardhead!

Can't believe how dead it was in here, we sat upstairs, Rob (again) decided to breakdance and do the dead fly which has been recorded on my phone, in the middle of the upstairs dancefloor. Crazy that lad.

Cracked on in here for a change and bumped into fellow Estonian Tucky who was also on his Christmas works do. Crazy bit here, this lad comes up to me and goes:


"Who are you like?"

"Dya not recognise us?"

"No, should I like?"

"Yeah am ya cousin"

and fuck me it was, I think I have met Ben about 4 times in me life, he's me dads brothers eldest son. I was talking to him for a while, and then had a bit of 70's dancing with the lasses!

Met up with Mikey, Phil, Chris, Kathryn and Alex and I was fucking wrecked by now, dancing like a fool, arguing with this Lardhead, don't even know why, drinking treble Vodka's which Mikey bought us and doing things with people I shouldn't have been. I'll leave it at that!

After Vienna we headed to Aruba for the last drink, purely because it was the closest nightclub to Vienna, not much happened in here and I called it a night at 1.30am. 14 and a half hours is about enough for me!

Good start to the CSA's festive celebrations, this Friday should be better!

Karaoke Anyone?

Classic this, it's karaoke!! How good? Highway to Hell is a great one. Sing now, click here.

The BW Forum

In the beginning there was nothing.

Nowhere to get your daily fix of jugs, Saabs, parmos and booze.

Then, all of a sudden, there was.

The Wallet was born, in a flash of lager coloured light, and all was well in the world.

When God saw the Wallet, he was pleased.

He knew he could sleep easy, and allow these three champions of men lead the world to a better tomorrow.

But's even better.

Problem was, you see, only the chiefs could say what they wanted. But now we have the forums, where everyone can play with us!!

Come quickly, our followers, join us in Wallet heaven!!

Space Cadets

Waste of Space more like.

What's the crack here? Why is Johnny Vaughan filling my TV screen with his smug useless grin? Vaughan is a funny man but he's done nothing of note since the Big Breakfast.

Felt sorry for the poor bloke last night when the final four Cadets were revealed last night and tried to make it exciting. "Look at Charley, our actor, he is literally just painting a picture, look at him, how's about acting a little bit?! you're meant to be going into space!!" Johnny mate, no-one cares.

Can I just point out I've only actually seen this bit of the show out of the whole series. It was enough.

Speaking to Pete about this and how's this for a theory that he suggested? They are all actors and we are the poor chiefs being hoaxed!! He might be on to something there.

If it wasn't for Deal or No Deal I'd be pretty annoyed with Channel 4.

Deal or No Deal though. Is it the best programme ever or what? Noel Edmonds has found something good to do.

Forget Christmas, Blobby, the spastics and the third degree burn victims. Why not present the most dramatic, psychologically satisfying 45 minutes of enetertainment currently on TV. He's done well there has Edmonds.


You know what really pisses me off?

People who look like they're going to use a zebra crossing but don't.
Everybody in ASDA South Bank.
ASDA in general, including the heart wrenching way they ask if you would like help with your packing.
Kiddies packing in supermarkets for charity. You've crushed my eggs you little shite!
Hot drinks, that should be cold.
Cold drinks, that should be hot.
Stupid pets. You bought an iguana, you should have bought a personality you retarded fuckwit.
92.5% (honest) of popular music.
100% of Coldplay.
People who quote the garlic bread bit out of Peter Kays shows.
X Factor.
Sugar Free Lilt.

And so many other things.

Ahhhhhh. That's better.

Sunday, December 11


As if texts from Head the Ball women isn't enough I gets a phone call the other day.

"Hello." comes a female cockney voice.

"Hello?" I says. ("Fucks this?!" is what I am thinking)

"It's Nichola, do you remember me?"


"We met at the Works. Remember - you got off with me."

"Errrrrrrr........" The Works was the super club in Nottingham that we all went to.

"I said I was 18, but I may have twisted the truth. I'm actually 14, but I'll be 15 next week!"

Woah, getting in to Glitter territory there!!

"Yeah, well anyway, I wanted to know if you wanted to meet up or something?"

Ah, it's a tape - not stupid me you know.

"...Are you into bondage?" she asks.

"Are you really dirty?"

"Listen, I'm down the bus stop now, but you can ring me back on 079..."

Fair do's someones had a go at winding me up. Well done.

But then, I'm sat in Pete's house looking after the dog and I get the same pissing phone call on their house number!

TFI Friday!!!

So Friday night and a plan was hatched to go out, get pissed up and maybe meet KG once all his workmates had gone home. To quote the bear himself he's, "Hardcore You Know the Score".

Few texts to KG such as "Drunk yet?!" received "Pissed mate!" in reply but when I sent him the England group at about 4ish of England, Angola, Saudi Arabia and Switzerland he replied with "It ain't till 8pm dick!"

Not that drunk then.

Chris and Alex's Place

Chris offered me a few cans down at his place whilst waiting for Kathryn and Phil and to save a pick up addition to the taxi fare. So he picked me up and we had a few cans there before we got picked up in a taxi. Half way to Boro and we gets a....

Phone Call off KG

"Now Hean, av just knocked out a student."

"You what, you've just knocked out a student?!"

Taxi starts laughing.

"How did you knock him out?"

"I went for a piss and opened the door in his face."

"Where are you like?"

"Oz bar I think. Yeah Walkabout."

"Right oh chief, see you later."


"How monged is he?!?!" I've never heard such slurring of words before. At this rate we'd be seeing him in hospital.

Dickens Inn

Downed a few bottles sharpish in here - on a mission! Before we quickly took in the sites of the Star and Garter and the Southfield.


Watched the World Cup draw in here, it's not going to be that easy in my opinion. Kathryn bagged us a free drink off her mate behind the bar. Nice one! Had a few drinks in here as I recall.


So, following on from our Guess the Breasts competish. We now have a deeper darker mystery - whose thong?

Answers on a postcard.

Whilst taking the above pic I gets a blue toothed picture through that is just plain odd...

If anyone knows Steven from 33 Walker Drive then please let us know.

And here's


and Chris looking worse for wear....


Oz Bar was next. Think we went upstairs and it was dead. Didn't stay too long.


A couple of drinks in here and then we decided to get KG who said he was in Flares. Got to the door there and he texts me saying he's in....


Couldn't find him anywhere but then he came hulking out of the bogs like some drunken monster. Got introduced to all his workmates. Rob was there from nights out gone by. He was absolutely stinking drunk. It was a good laugh in here. Something about the place gets their blood boiling I think!!

Chicago Rock

Some quality Christmas tunage and a good dance in here. Phil, Kathryn and Alex went home and left me to it. Wish I'd gone with them cos it was garbage. Left about 2ish.

Guess the Breasts 2

Click here for jugs!

This may be tricky as I'm not even sure who they belong to.

The best (funniest) guess wins a Paper Aeroplane Making kit. Or a sheet of A4 as you may know it.

Leave your guess in the comments below.

So, where did that pic come from?!

It's a long story so in summary....

Friday night, pissed up. Mystery person texts me. I text back. She then texts back a filthy text so I plays along for a bit thinking this is a bonafide wind up from one of KG's workmates as they were all out on their Xmas do. Apparently not.

We text back and forth for a bit whilst I search the memory banks thinking of people I may have given my number to. Er, no-one. Although she does know I am Mike from Eston who wears glasses and has short spikey brown hair. Hows that for an accurate description!

She texts the pic and demands I send my cock back (a picture that is). I think not.

"Perhaps I will see you up the town in the next few weeks." I politely text back.

Jesus, I fucking hope not. Certified HEAD THE BALL!!!

Compo Result

We had three entries cascade into KG's big magic-cheese-o-sack with reference to these. However, the winning entrant failed to leave his or her name or address, so there'll be a rollover!

Details coming soon, jugs fans.

Thursday, December 8

More Brazilian football craziness


Phil and Moss in a couple of Saabs.

This is just cool!

Classic TV goofs!

MIKE Hallett on Sky Sports discussing snooker during a match where Steve Davis kept missing easy pots "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edward's tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

DURING the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, the commentator observed: "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green."

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

USPGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.... Oh my god! What have I just said?"

David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics - "And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

Guest Book

Is it me, or is the guest book (bottom of the page, location pedantry fans) getting a tad hokey-cokey esque?

Wednesday, December 7

Do I Look Bovvered?!

Just watch.

Tuesday, December 6

Ricky Gervais Podcast

Here's the first episode. Some funny stuff!! Click.

Make Your Own Radio Station

Cracking bit of kit this. Type in a band you like. For example...

Me: The Beatles

KG: Status Quo

Pete: Kanye West

And it then plays similar music based on rythm patterns, syncopation and instruments used. How good?


The Big Night Out: In Detail

Another awesome night out on Saturday....

Picked Up

Pete picked us up after they had watched the Boro game and I was tickled to death in the front seat. Bastards!! We stopped at the garage for some petrol and KG being KG decided he needs something to eat. A tuna sarnie will do, oh and three cans of lager as well.

Hops back in the car and decides to wash Ste's face in Tuna sandwich. What we then found out much to our amazement is that he's allergic to it. Which explains this.

"Where to then?" asks a pretty pissed off Pete (we did drive halfway to town with back door open after all).....


Pretty quiet in here, Ste and KG were feeling it already, especially Ste. KG hammered the fruity and won the shiniest pound coins ever seen....

Ste also received a free vodka slipped into his pint whilst at the toilet. Not surprised he struggled to finish it!!

The Dickens Inn

Ste was absolutely monged in here. He demanded that he not get a pint for the first round.

KG: "3 pints of Carling please."

He didn't have the energy to argue.

He nearly fell asleep at the bar but was woken up regularly with "Ste your pint is getting wamr there!" and as you can see in the picture below he was showing some severe signs of swelling from his Tuna allergy.

Pete joined us after about an hour and then we watched Man U demolish Portsmouth. Huge Dream Team points for me!! KG and Ste then had a crisp eating competition!! Don't ever challenege KG to a eating anything competition. The lad has two throats and four stomachs.

Star and Garter

It was my round in here and the abuse I got at the bar....

"Hichael!!! (KG's clever reversal of names there)



"Get us some Nobby's nuts and Crisps!!"



"Want some nuts and crisps!!"

"ALRIGHT CUNT!!! getting them aren't I?"

When we left KG decided to slide down the bansiter on the stairs only there's a knob at the end. Well there was a knob sliding down it at the time. He only crashes into it doesn't he?!

The Southfield

Cracking in here, all on the bowling game. Finally, a decent game to replace Killer Pool or whatever it was called. Chants of Easy Easy filled the air whenever a strike was pulled off. It then became a farce as we turned the machine off mid bowl and flicked it back on. I reckon the amount of Smirnoff Ice Ste spilt on it has caused major circuitry damage. We stuck around a bit longer waiting for Dale before waiting outside for him....

Rachel's Micra - World Record Attempt

Rachel Newton, horny little she devil that she is pulls up outside to drop Dale off and then Emma in town. Oh and us boys of course! All four of us then try to climb in the back of this tiny little Micra. I was half way in and she starts driving while I'm hanging out the door!! Me and Pete gave up and would try a taxi....

Taxi with Hawking

Me and Pete finally got a taxi down by the Dickens. I gets in the front and gets stuck as the chair wouldn't move back. "Whats the crack here?"

"It's a disabled chair."

"I can see that, who disabled it?"

"No it's so we can have people in with wheelchairs."

"Like Professor Hawking?"


Well that was me started on a five minute piss take of taxi's in a robotic voice.


Think we just played the fruity a bit in here and calmed down a bit!!


Met up with the lasses in here, Clare, Emma M, Jo and the other Emma.

Here's KG full of mischief....

And to my left, Disco Dale Miller.....

Before we leave KG goes for a piss and then comeas back with what looks like a pint of Red Bull. He's only pissed in his pint glass and left it on the bar!! I dread to think how that was dealt with!!! One of the mingiest acts seen on the BW.

Trader Jacks

It was packed in here, I think we stood near the dancefloor and gave the dancing girls some encouragement!! On to Walkabout...

The Limo and the Town Hall Moony

Turns the corner as we said we'd leave Walkabout for now, and there's a limo pulled up outside Blue! All these lasses are shouting for us good looking bastards to come over. "Woooooooh!!" they cried! KG is first over giving one of them a tongueing. Stevie Merkin gives it, "High five!!!" and then pulls his hand away. Poor lass looked gutted. I was just waiting for the invite to climb aboard!! It didn't come.

Never fail, there was more fun to be had. Outside the Town Hall there must have been some show on as there were a group of women waiting on the stairs. Could have been prostitutes for all I know. Well, out came the moonies!!

"Ours are better than that!!" came the reply.

"Lets have a look then!!" Sadly no female arse action.

After all this stupidiness the thought of getting past the bouncer was pretty daunting as he surely wouldn't let us three loons in their posh bar?! Well me and KG gets in with a straight face. Stevie however starts hugging him to death!! But he was sound about it...

Blue Bar

So we finally gets in and KG starts his robotic dancing, including, believe it or not, press ups on the stairs!! Gets to the bar and this lass just takes her bra in full view of us and gives us a feel of her norks!! She then gets her mate to put her bra back on which involved her hitching her dress right up for a full view of her strawberry mivee!! I think she may have had a little bit too much to drink. Some good tunage in here and a good crack was had. I think Pete and Dale then dissapeared to Isaacs.

When we left KG tripped Stevie over and an all pile on ensued!! Think we pretty much lived out an episode of Jackass on Saturday.


Demanded that Rocking All Over the World be played. Nope, he was having none of it. Anyway that didn't stop us wrecking the place when KG speared Stevie onto the leather sofas by the windows. KG then had his shoe nicked.

There's also this monitor which films the dancefloor upstairs so I thinks right, am gonna get me some TV time! "Watch the screen, I'm going to pull these two birds everyone!!"

I marches off up the stairs and cracks on with these lasses. Didn't get anywhere, they weren't interested in my stunning good looks and made up job. As neither are true.

When I comes back down I then got thrown ont o the sofa by Stevie (ooh er!) and then KG dived on Stevie. Sveeral smashed glasses, broken tables and warning s later and we left the place!


The first Xmas tune was heard in here - The Pogues' Fairytale of New York often cited as the best. Nah, give me Slade or Wizzard anyday.

It was fairly quiet in here otherwise, think KG and Emma Miller caning the fruit machine was the other highlight.

Left Vienna about 11.30ish and KG got some superb breast footage outside here. We need video facilities on here asap internerds out there!! I managed to gain this shot....

Remember there are huge prizes on offer here (two to be precise, wink wink) in our Guess the Jugs competish. Click for more details.


After queueing for ages, I was then molested by the bouncer in here who seemed intent on tearing my jeans off looking for a Lemsip. Finally got in, I paid £3 - dunno about anyone else? KG says he paid £5 but then again he did eat half the buffet that was there!!

Gets on the dancefloor and rugby tackles KG who carries on dancing on the floor. I was instantly hauled to one side by two doormen: "Ya gonna calm down son?!" "Aye!" High as a kite we were.

Some epic dance tunes later and a mega dance and I had had enough. Pretty much dozed off in there and then went home at about 12.30 - what a lightweight eh?!

An absolutely classic night, never laughed so much.

Take it away KG and finish the story!!

Monday, December 5

The Pub Landlord

And here's his website! Click.

Guess the Jugs

Number 1 in a series of indeterminate length (depends on how smooth a talker Mike is), can you guess who's jugs these are?

Leave your answers in the comments chiefs, and the first correct answer to be selected from KG's magic sack of cheese wins the handsome prize of precisely no pounds and no pence!

DVD of the Week: The Pub Landlord

"Giving it Both Barrels!"

Whats this then?

This is the brilliant new live show from Al Murray aka The Pub Landlord.

Al Murray? Never heard of him!

He was the Gov' in Time Gentlemen Please, the much underrated sitcome on Sky One a few years back. Also was on that Gordon Ramsey Kitchen Nightmares thing.

But is it any good?

Superb, lot's of crowd interaction..."What's ya name pal?!"...and some of the most close to the bone comments going. Some poor German fella gets absolutely tortured throughout.

"What d'ya do pal?"

"I work in IT!"

"Yeah, you got kids?"


"YEAH!! In your inbox!!"

Anything Else?

Some good extras on there, including a national anthem section, a commentary and some other bits and bobs.

How much?

£14.84 from Asda. You can't beat Asda price.


10 out of 10

For more of the Pub Landlord click here.

Beer Review

Ooh, look, it's like the pub reviews but, hang on, it's like a sort of microcosm of them, it being a review of the thing sold inside them. And that.

Artois Bock

Well, what can I say? I could tell you that it's fucking horrible, but it's not. I could tell you it's brewed from fresh elephant piss. But it's not. I could tell you it's not actually that nice. And that would be the truth.

It's OK, but it's not excessively drinkable like it's lil bro. Due to it's 6.2% volume, and heavy malty flavour, it's a bit of a pig to drink. Think of somewhere between Special Brew and and proper beer. Hard fucking work.

I'm willing to bet it's nice with a decent roast dinner, but the lone bottle sat in my fridge may still be there at chrimbo. Unless KG comes round, natch.

6/10 - Not minging, but certainly not blinging either.

Sunday, December 4

Big Night Out

We were supposed to be going to see the Mighty Boro play in London yesterday, but after finding that the tickets were a ludicrous 48 quid a piece we decided against funding Romans Revolution, and in true Elvis Costello style decided not to go to Chelsea.

We did however, go to the Beacon to watch it on Arabic TV, with Boro putting in a decent performance and they were a tad unlucky to come home with nowt. Anyways, by the time the game had finished, Big Nose and KG were 6 pints up, so the night out will be retold slightly differently from now on.

Lift There: I offered to drop the boys in the town, so after collecting Mike I went for some much needed petrol. KG, being KG, bought himself a tuna sarnie. Ste was most disgusted at this, claiming to have some sort of Tuna allergy. So KG wiped half the sarnie on his face. Right, concentrate. I went home and came back a bit later, meeting the boys in the Dickens.

Dickens: Doorhanger flyers. Crisps. Smirnoff Ice. Tuna scratching. Shit photos. KG: Not too bad. Ste: Leathered.

Star and Garter: Fruity. Nuts. XXL. Proper pub. KG: Getting worse. Ste: Trollied.

Southfield: Bowling. Jeebus. Becks. Students. KG: Slightly wonky. Ste: Wet and Cold.

Nissan Micra: Not enough room. Pete: Pissed off and taxi-less. Mike: The same. Rest of the boys: Warm and in transit. Rachel: Scared shitless.

Lloyds: Cheap. Packed. Not that good really. KG: Loud. Ste: Strangely subdued.

Yates: Jodie. Scary. Cobra. KG: Louder. Ste: Well behaved.

Hogs: Windows. Frightened Women. Never went in.

Trader Jacks: Fucking cattle market. Wank. KG: Monged. Ste: Mangled.

Blue:Far-too-fucking-trendy-for-its-own-good-stop-being-so-far-up-your-own-arses-you-ignorant-cunts. KG: Nightmare. Ste: Outer fucking space, man.

Isaacs: Me. Dale. Cheap. Quiet. Nice. No cunts. Pete: Getting there. Dale: Possibly a lesbian.

Lava: Secure. Bouncer-infested. Infinitely preferable to CRC. KG: Fucking monstered. Ste: Wibble.

Then we went home. It was OK, I suppose.

Be Afraid

Be very afraid.

Big Nose and KG's Big Day Out

We went to the Beacon.

Er, that's all we can remember.

Saturday, December 3

Xmas Party 2005

Well last night was my works Xmas do. It was more a night out than an Xmas do though. Well, it was more a big fucking let down than an Xmas do.

First up was...

Central Park

One of Middlesbrough's half decent restaurants. I'm sure there's another 1 on Linthorpe Road!

There was a huge crowd of us mind, probably the best Xmas do turn out I've seen. So we cracked on, I had Blackened Steak (steak with Cajun spices/covering and chips) which I have to say was absolutely superb. A few pints as well and a good crack with everyone there.

Then I would say at half of the crowd went home.


Yes. Home.

Dickens Inn

I knocked a couple of Sambukas back with Marie and it was getting a bit livelier but then more people went home and well it just became an absolute snooze fest!

2 Zero 2

Where? I hear you ask. It's over the road from TS1 and no-one goes in there because simply, it's not very good.

"This is shit isn't it?" sort of became the theme of the night and everyone was fed up. Man we really live it up in our office.


Me and three other lasses went over here for the last one and they went home. Last man standing again. I tried Chicago Rock to see if any one I knew was in but they weren't and it was garbage.

Barring the meal this really is a strong case for worst night out of the year. But seeing as we are so positive on the Burnely Wallet we don't give awards out for Worst anything.

Speaking of awards....

The Burnley Wallet 2nd Annual Awards are coming soon!!!!!

Another Kerrazee Night Out

So a night out with the Scousers was on the cards last Saturday and me KG and Chris were starting at 3pm. It promised to be a classic and boy did it deliver the goods!!

Got to Keiths at about 2.40pm and watched a tribute to George Best on Sky Sports.

"Oh, he's died as he?!"

KG's ma got asked if she was coming out - she will do one day lads! And we all know KG will be staying in!!

So we cracked on to the Stapylton Arms for lunch.

The Stap

Well at least we would have if they were still serving. Knocked a pint away and decided the Poverina would be best.

Whoever thought that is now eating their words cos the food was shockingly bad. I had, well pretty much, a cold burger!

Lift to Town

Once we'd finished and everyone had left KG's ma took me, KG and Chris up to the Dickens Inn. on the way and already tipsy of three pints the CD came out and an ad-hoc Karaoke session was in progress. The highlight came with KG's rendition of Who Let the Dogs out with stereo like dog panting. "Get back you flea infested mongrel.....ruhaa haaa haaa haaa!!"

Dickens Inn

Before Phil turned up with Moss we bumped into Ste Rushby and Ratman Dave Rollins, former drinking chiefs of days gone by. A few drinks in here and then we were off...

Star and Garter

Another quick pint in here.


To say we tortured the bar staff in here is an understatement. One lad, well, he looked like Jesus and then we were off!! Ripped the poor lad to shreds. Another one of them was this pretty tasty bird. It ended up with us asking for free Jaffa Cake muffins - I think the line was, "You're Jesus you can do anything! If we buy one, can you turn it into four?"

After much merriment I bought us all one. Big waste of money - Jaffa Cake? Jaffa shite more like!!

Taxi to Lloyds

So with us all silly and full of mischief from the Southfield we managed to flag a taxi with the most miserable man in Middlesbrough behind the wheel. This didn't stop me getting tickled to death and at one point getting my teeth brushed with an Alpine Fresh car freshener!


Met up with Kathryn and the Scouse birds, Clare and Emma in here and had a good crack before moving next door to...


Where we had a bit of a dance. There was this proper old fella in there who looked like he had just come out of the insane asylum. He only starts dancing with Emma or it may have been the other way round. Good on him I say.

Trader Jacks

Er, struggling to recall what happened in here!!


"Ow DJ, Rocking All the World now please!"

DJ: "How long you staying for?!"

"Bout 20 minutes."

A few songs later and the Quop roared into life. It's a simple song but the place lit up including me, KG and Phil doing the Quo guitar motion on the stage. Once it finished I then bumped into this lass from college who had a "What are you doing!?" look on her face. It's called fun love! You should learn to have it sometimes!!


Tiredness kicked in for me in here and was practically falling asleep. Chris got a soaking at one point by some lardhead. This nearly turned into a mass brawl. When Phil and Chris approached the bar, the lardhead was in the way and when he sees them coming legs it!

Chicago Rock

All the other chiefs went to Lava which was just far too hardcore you know the score for me so I tried my luck in CRC. None of my lady friends were so I went home half asleep. Specsavers? Nah, you should of gone to Lava!

It was a cracker of a night - hard to put into words!!

Friday, December 2

Wallet on Tour

The Walleteers will be signing autographs in Middlesbrough tomorrow night, in the following locations:

Barry Cuba

Come over and make polite conversation with the finest beered up bloggers Teesside has to offer!

You can even buy us a drink.

Please don't touch our faces though, as they are our fortunes. Well, me anyway.

Thursday, December 1

One cool illusion

I promise nothing jumps and scares you.

On the Ball?

Try and last longer than 60 seconds for a £20 Panasonic voucher.

Ball game

I think I better leave right now.

Roy Keanes last day at Manure.

Listen to Roy had to say


Footy made a welcome return to our hectic schedules on Tuesday and here's a review of what happened.

There were originally going to be 8 of us playing, with the 8 being KG, Mikey, Pete, Chris, Big Nose, Disco, Phil and young Robbie. However Moss decided to turn up and threatened to torch all our cars if he didn't get a game.

So not wanting to walk home we let him play so the sides were originally:

KG, Chris, Pete, Big Nose and Phil


Mikey, Moss, Robbie and Dale

However after about 15 mins and with my team winning a good 7-2 we decided to swap things arond a bit Mikey swapped with Big Nose, and the scores reset at nil nil.

A bad move with the 3 best players on the same side, I think they rattled in a good 8 before we managed to score with yours truly scoring a blistering goal after evading a synical tackle for Stevie Big Nose and smashing the ball passed a hapless Disco.

Just when we thought we could make a comeback they ran in another 5 goals without reply. Giving that we never gave in, in the end I think everyone on our side at least scored and Mikey gets bonus points for smacking the ball against Moss' back.

Robbie gets the vote for goal of the game with a vicous dipping strike that flew passed the keeper.

Funny moment ges to Phil who slipped on the curtain which devides the court in two, and ended up on his arse!

Anyway Dale, Big Nose, Robbie and Moss must have clocked up probably 20 goals, but we'd all given up in the end.

The sides were never even throughout, but next time we'll make sure they are.

Robbie, always a threat with his left foot, scored a beauty - 7
Big Nose, keeps the ball so well, a tad wastefull in front of goal - 8
Disco, sheer pace and the class above the rest - 9 STAR MAN
Moss, rattled the woodwork more than once, knows where the goal is 7

Chris, scored a cracking volley and never gave up - 7
Pete, think he left his shooting boots at home, tried hard - 6
Phil, full of running and always eager to give it a go - 7
Mikey, starved of chances, eventually gave up - 7

Xbox 360 = Dreamcast?

Thinking of getting an Xbox 360? Would maybe wait and see how things pan out first.

Tuesday, November 29

The Return of 5-a-Side

Us bunch of lardheads are back on the fitness trail tonight. A glorious fight of epic proportions on the modern day battlefield of the 5-a-side pitch. This is war!!!

A full review tomorrow and a full rundown of Saturday just gone which I can inform you was classic. Including a full on brawl, Scousers, a sing a long with Keith's mam, a very old man dancing, Jesus, Jaffa Cakes, Alpine Fresh breath and KG, Chris, Phil and myself Rocking All Over the World.

Monday, November 28

18 Tricks to Teach Your Body

Useful I imagine. Click.

Friday, November 25

Fucking Wankers

I see the self proclaimed "Best Fans in the World" have showed their true colours again.


Thursday, November 24

It's Christmas

Well not for four weeks yet but good God where has the year gone to?

There are some fantastic things coming up on the Wallet.

Loads of nights out,
A review of the year from all of us,
The BW Awards (live of course!!),
the Xmas Shopping List competition


Pressies, food, lager, Santa trousers, fights, hedge diving, trampolining, mud wrestling, parties, birds in santa outfits, being drunk pretty much constantly and generally having the best two weeks off ever.

The Xmas tape compilations have already been blasting out of the tinny speakers in my motor and the decs are being unloaded at work and home as we speak. Slade have been making the trudge down the A66 all the more bearable.

Decs are going up in houses all over the place and over the next couple of weeks there will deffo be pictures of some of the most tacky cheaply done out houses in the Tees Valley area just for yours and our amusement.

This years Secret Santa competish at work has an International theme and ideas are most welcome.

It is a woman so that rules out the following: -

- Russian mail order bride
- German porn
- Dutch porn
- Swedish lesbians
- Bangkok ping pong set.

Anyone reading from work who picked me then you know, none of those would go amiss.

Speaking of Christmas in other countries, there's not many decorations in Vietnam this year. They're just going to hang Glitter.

Wednesday, November 23

Big Freeze?

What big freeze, check out the BBC's weather guide here and it says its getting warmer not colder.

Mind you it is the BBC, expect a blanket of white stuff in the morning (That's snow I'm referring to and not one of Mikey's all nighters)

What's on?

Just noticed that over the last week or so, I have witnessed some top quality TV programmes.

Here's a run down of what I've watched.

Top Gear:- Jeremy Clarkson and his crew keep me glued to me telly every Sunday from 8pm til 9pm.

This Sunday just gone was one of the best episodes I've seen. They had Ian Wright racing round the track like a man possessed. He just didn't give a shit and I don't think he's heard of the brake peddle. Then we had life sized remote control cars - I want a go! Finally, they had another race. This Student type bloke challenged JC that he could climb this mountain quicker than he could drive up there in a new Audi. Gripping Stuff!

I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here:- Don't slate me but I like this show and obviously the Bush Tucker Trials are the best bits. There is plenty of eye candy on this year as well. Plus David Dickinson is a legend. Vote for him to win!

Ant and Dec are the presenters and although a pair of Geordie Twats they are funny and the show wouldn't be the same without them.

OFI Sunday:- Chris Evans is back on our TV screens. He's been away far too long since his days on TFI Friday. He was his usual self - loud, crazy and entertaining. Word has it he has some quality guests lined up aswell.

Best of the rest:- Noel Edmonds, remember him? He's returned on C4 to present a new quiz show called Deal or No Deal. This is gripping TV and will surely revert to a prime time evening slot in the not to distance future.

Oh yeah I almost forgot, Free view. Compulsive viewing!

Tuesday, November 22

Rock Band Competition

Well it certainly wasn't the X Factor.

Thank Christ, as I can think of far better ways to spend a Monday night. For example, a little rock competish at Stockton's Mahattans Bar. Click here for the pub review.

Up first The ......

er, did anyone actually catch a word of what they said other than, "Oh fuck I've broke a string."

During the 10 minutes he spent pissing about putting a new one in (which he had to buy off the opposing band - student scum that he was) they did a cover of Vanilla Ice's Ninja Rap. I shit you not.

We also got about 7 garage band type songs which were fairly average - couldn't understand a word the tubby singer was shouting at us.

Anyway with that painful session over, we cracked on with The Urban Pirates.

One of them, Paul, used to work with KG and we went to see his old band The Rattlesnakes in Stokesley last year (maybe year before). I was pretty stunned at their guitar talents and even got a song dedicated to me as I was wearing my Led Zeppellin shirt of days gone by. Funnily enough, there was a lass in there who had the same shirt on.

They pretty much blew the first band away with some quality tunage, no Vanilla Ice covers and a we even got a free CD each.

With it being a school night though we left as soon as they'd finished so we didn't find out the result. I'm sure the Pirates won mind.

Oh, so I drank one, or was it four, and then I fell on the floor

So chiefs, here it comes. As of Thursday November 24th 2005, the licensing laws in this country will change for six months. Pubs will open longer. Off-licences will be able to sell around the clock. Oh, and the world is going to end, apparently.

That’s right, the god fearing do-gooders of this previously fair nation have come out of their 5 bedroom detached homes to denounce alcohol as the devils own sperm. “Increase in crime,” they spout, “and in violence on the streets!” Rumour has it, they’re also dreading the return of ‘The Hit Man and Her’


Your intrepid reporter is a mere 26 years old. He has only drank alcohol for, ooh, 9 of those years. But he knows, like everyone else knows, that fights only kick off at 2 in the morning because THAT’S WHEN THE PUBS SHUT. He also knows that Pete Waterman won’t be allowed on the telly any more.

90% of the people who had been drinking in any given town or city are released to the streets at EXACTLY THE SAME TIME to knock varying shades of shit out of each other.

So, surely, stagger the closing times, eh? Correct. People go home when they are ready, not when the teacher says so. Pubs make more money, fights are reduced, everyone’s a winner.

But hang on, there’s that voice again. “What about drink related illnesses, and people puking in the street?”

More shite.

Drink related illness is a nasty, nasty thing, don’t get me wrong. But to deny the millions of people who drink responsibly and without putting their health at risk just because a small minority have hammered it all their lives seems foolish. It’s similar to the talk of banning fags, booze, scratchcards, gambling, etc. ban all of these risks and people will find some other way of taking their lives in their hands. Bungee jumping, for example.

People puke because they’ve tried to fit in as much drink as is humanly possible in the allocated time they are allowed. It’s a race against time. As much as you can before 2 in the morning. With 24 hour drinking and relaxed nightclubs, people would, in time forget about this, and slow their drinking habits down. Hopefully.

Put it this way, if you’re sat in your house having a drink, you never feel the urge to go and throw your guts up do you? Because you know YOU’VE GOT ALL NIGHT. THERE IS NO RUSH.

Thing is though, this has to be demonstrated to the people who matter. The people who matter are those who disowned the law in the first place. The law will revert to how it is now after the trial period is deemed a failure. So you have 6 months to go for it, enjoy Chrimbo, and have some fun you can tell the kids about.

After that, it’s back to the dark ages.

KG falling from a tree

See it to believe it.

Video here

A singing Jose Mourinho

This is superb!

The special one

Pub Review

Aint done one of these for a while so here goes.

Name: Manhattan's

Location: Stockton-On-Tees

Occasion: A lad who used to work with me was in a music competition last night, No not X Factor (I wish) but like a Rock competition between his band "The Urban Pirates" and these scruffy stockton students. So me and Mikey popped along to offer our support.

Beer Quality: Spot on, although I was driving I managed a sneaky 2, but thoroughly enjoyed them. We had Carling but others available were Grolsch, Fosters and Carlsberg.

Prices: Very good, £1.50 a pint, not sure if the prices rocket at the weekend but for a monday night you couldn't fall off. Also 40p for a pint of Orange and Water.

Sporting Coverage: Although we didn't watch any live football, there were a good 10 large TV's dotted around the pub, which last night showed Sky Sports 1.

Food: Didn't order out, but the Menu for all day breakfast sounded very appetising.

Music: Last night like I said was a Rock Competition, but they were advertising LIVE music on posters around the pub. The music was extremely loud before the bands started, so not the place for a quiet drink.

Nice lasses?: One of the barmaids was a stunner, the other lasses tendered to be Mosha type students. Have a word!

Out else?: The bogs were a nightmare to find and I almost cracked me head on the "Mind your head" sign!

Sum up: A smart pub, with nice cheap lager. It looked as though it had just been done out, and I would deffo return. When? I don't know!

7 out of 10

Sunday, November 20

Shock Horror!

I didn't go Middlesbrough for a night out last night!!!!

It was a lass from works 21st Birthday party over at the Norton Cricket Club, Stockton on Tees. Our Chris kindly dropped me, daft Wob and Hadarl off about 7.15pm, after getting lost a good 15 times and having to ring Phil for him to direct us to the place. I think Hadarl was a bit nervous thanks to chris' driving, a good 110mph in his new car down the A19. To quote Hadarl "Milk Floats usually overtake me"

Anyway we gets there and settles down to a couple of pints whilst everyone from work arrived, Daft Wob, who had been out all day since 12, watching the Rugby starting singing Morrissey songs but adapting them to slag off people from work!

It was your usual party, cheap lager, disco, buffet, speeches, disco.

As it was a private party, we weren't suppose to leave the function room, but me and Hadarl where itching to loose some tatey on the fruit machine, so we snuck into the "bar" area of the club and each stuck a pound in each. I advised Paul to take the feature to which he did and result we had just won £75 (The Jackie was £250 mind) the noise it made as it rained chunks was music to my ears, but wait were not members of the club, what would the regulars say? Fuck the regulars we pocketed the money straight away and re joined the party.

Come last orders Amy (Who's party it was) had ordered some mini buses which took us down to Stockton.

We went to Ibiza bar which had no bottled lager left - Whats that all about? after a swift one in here we went to Zanzibar

After a fiver in, we decided to have some shots, aftershock is lethal stuff but I didn't want to be the only one who didn't participate, so I knocked mine back, quickly followed by a refreshing BLUE WKD.

Had a bit of a dance about and that and Zanzibar is OK, its massive, an upstairs and a downstairs, upstairs was more cheesey like Oz bar and Chicago Rock. The final song was "Bear Necessity" from Jungle Book, which put a smile on my face, what with me being a fellow bear an all.

I stopped off at the Pizza shop and made sure Steph got home alright, and jumped in a taxi. "How much mate to Middlesbrough and then Eston?"

"25 pound please"

The robbing get but seeing as tho it was -3 and Steph was shivering we jumped in, after Steph got out I decided the driver was getting fuck all off me, and I planned my route to do a runner. When I got out I have never ran so fast and I thought I was going to have a heart attack once back in our house!

A mega cheap night for KG, spent a £10 after me little win, a cracking night out, something different, but back to home to Boro next week.

The Fuzz

Yoda's Birthday

Remember my post on Yoda's Birthday?

Well it happened on Friday night at Eston Labour Club, and I was there. It weren't too bad to be honest spending a bit of time with family. Some absolutely classic army stories off our Dad had me in stitches. These will become a regular feature of the Wallet.

What shocked me the most though, was the fact it was a SURPRISE 90th Birthday party. Were they trying to finish the old dear off?

She managed to stave off that fright and then had to put up with some random bloke sing Happy Birthday at her. In a Scouse accent.

The DJ was, well, different to say the least. Following the Beatles 'Get Back' and the opening lick of 'Something' (cos he never changed the CD over in time) he hit us with some of the most hardcore dance tunes going.

These were then followed by Cliff Richard and Dion (they sang The Wanderer before you ask - he roams around and around and around).

Now I don't know if the lager in Boro town centre is watered down or alcopops just have no alcohol in them at all because 8 pints and a double whisky had me drunker than I had been for a good few years. A pint of carling was £1.10. How good?!

So bad was I yesterday that I turned down a night out with Phil and the crew.

Heard KG had a cracker of a night in Norton last night so we await with baited breath news of his exploits!! C'mon Keith, spill the beans.

Thursday, November 17

Prank Calls

Here are 2 classic prank calls.

Dirty Turbin

Chinese Takeaway


Frank Skinner tonight

Whey, Middlesbrough's favourite comedian Roy "Chubby" Brown is on the Frank Skinner Show tonight. ITV1 @ 11pm.
Should be a good watch, don't recall Chubbs being on the telly before.

Scouse Lardhead

Me uncle Mark who lives in Liverpool rang us the other day and he told us these cracking stories which I'll now share with you.

Story 1

Mark had been to the supermarket and on his way home had to give way at a level crossing, to let the train go by. Now Mark had just bought the latest issue of FHM so picks it up and starts to flick through it whilst waiting for the train to go by. To engrossed in the magazine he failed to notice the train go by, the barriers have come up, and Mark is given a gentle beep on the horn by the car behind him. "Oh Fuck" says Mark, so foot down and off he goes. The next thing the car behind him starts flashing his lights and beeping his horn. Mark, not wanting any trouble pulls over and the car speeds off, not before looking at Mark and shaking his head.
Mark now thinks "Fuck this" and speeds up after him now flashing and beeping his horn at him. The car in front pulls over and Mark follows suit. The lad in the car in front gets out and its this huge Black bloke in a long leather jacket, Mark gets out of his car at the same time and then realises what he's up against and realises he may get a good hiding here. Now Mark not wanting to lose face says "Whats ya problem mate?" To which the bloke replies "You aint got your lights on!" A relieved and very embarrassed Mark offers his apologies to the bloke, they shake hands and Mark gets back in his car.

Story 2

Mark went to Madrid for a stag weekend, and the saying of the weekend was "Ohh Yesss" (As in the the Churchill insurance Bull Dog) Now the wedding was on bonfire night and all the lads had agreed before hand to answer "Ohh Yesss" to when the priest asks the question "Does anybody have any reason why these two cannot be married, blah, blah, blah. So the priest asks the question to which only Mark answered, it was a wind up good and proper. Apparanlty everyone turned round and Mark went a little red!

Wednesday, November 16

Well Done Dwight

...and for getting to the World Cup.

Tuesday, November 15

Went to a Muslim birthday party.........

..........the other night.

Fuck me if that wasn't the fastest game of pass the parcel I've ever seen!

Thai PM arrives in Liverpool

New SAFC credit card.

Drugs help.


Talk to

Great News

Fucking fantastic.

5000 little chav cunt wannabes waving Brazil flags with Juninho on and pointing their foam 'BT Cellnet' fingers.

I fucking hate Boro family fundays.

Monday, November 14

Zookeeper Addiction

Feel like you can't put down Zookeeper?

One more go even when the kids are playing with the chip pan?

3 elephants in a row taken over your life?

Have you had a fight with the missus because it was allegedly, "her turn"?

If you said yes to any of these questions then you may be addicted to Zookeeper.

Take action NOW!!

To help cure your addiction sending £10 to BW Headquarters for an information pack.

e-mail us at for more details.

Ze Postbox

Indeedy-do, chief-a-rinos, it's time for us to peruse the correspondence from you, the reader, to us, the big chiefs of Wallet World.

Still not much to report from the e-mail side of things ( if you're interested) so just a small letters page this week. KG's sack is, not for the first time, tinier than a tiny tiny thing.

Big thanks to our friends in the US State of Canadia though. God Bless America.

Dear Walleteers,

How about Jimmy Bruno, 'famous' jazz guitarist? I could deffo be named after him, couldn't I? Eh? A-hur-hur-hur, Harry?


'Bruno' Tate,

Bruno, you should really ask your dad, when he delivers the milk.

Dear Walleteers,

Hey, I like your shoes.


Paddy O' Doors,

Er, thanks Paddy. We like yours.

Dear Walleteers,

I enjoyed reading your Mass Debate on Soap characters.

Come on over and visit our Canadian Coronation Street blog called
*Corrie Canuck* . . .

We're several months behind the UK in Corrie episodes but you still
might find bits and
pieces on the blog for your amusement.

MJ (a Corrie Canuck contributor),
Saskatoon (probably)

Ooh, fuck me, a proper one! Bet you can't wait for the Gail Platt/alien abduction storyline. Oops!

Dear Walleteers,

You look a bit dodgy. Take your shoes off. Empty your pockets.

The staff of Lava,

Jesus, thought the rubber gloves were coming out there. Phew.

That's it this week chiefs, we went to the cupboard and it was bare. The hazards of letting KG have a key, eh? See you next week. You invisible cunts.

Sunday, November 13

Why can't all bogs look like this?

A Bulldog on a skateboard.


Friday, November 11

North East Terror Warning

A true story:

Yesterday, a friend of mine was travelling on a Newcastle to Sunderland train.

A man of Arabic appearance got off the train and my friend noticed that he had left his bag behind. He grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him in the station and handed him back his bag.

He was extremely grateful and reached into his bag which appeared to contain large bundles of money. He looked around to make sure nobody was looking and whispered "I can never repay your kindness, but I will try to...with a word of advice for you: Stay away from Sunderland"

My friend was genuinely terrified. "Is there going to be an attack?" He asked him.

"No" ... he whispered back. "It's a shithole"

Crazy Christmas Wrapping Paper

Not for Nathan whatever he's called.

Unwrap here

True Story: Scouser Goes to Job Centre

"Hi... you know, I just HATE being on benefit mate, I'd really rather have a job."

"Well sir, your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes."


"Also sir, because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is £200,000 a year".

"You're bullshittin' me!"

"Yeah, well, you started it."

KG's Palace

It's been a week of umming and ahhing but KG's seen the doctor and says the constipation should clear up in a week.

Nights out aren't hard to come by with us bunch of L-Heads but this Saturday sees a night in. Not just at any old house but KG's Palace.

If only eh?

KG's Palace - where dreams come true, excess is exceeded and where the drink flows like KG's waistline.

A starting time of 1pm was agreeed 'ad-hoc' as I dropped KG at the door from work tonight. I'm not too sure he's thought it through though, seeing as he finishes work at 12!

Following a few warm up lagers and a catch up on the goss and the latest in Soapland (yeah right!) the match will be ready to kick off. Remember that's warm up lagers and not warm please.

England vs. Argentina

90 minutes of Peter Crouch getting booed off the park sounds pretty appealing to me.

Slightly out of date but what the hell?

And then we all have the pleasure of being 'owned' by Pierre as he beats all comers on his X-Box which is making a special guest appearance after the England match.

But, just like an ice cube, we all have our melting point and well 9 hours of sitting around in the luxurious surroundings getting obliterated can be a bit too much for any hardcore drinker.

Fresh air is called for! At 10ish we're all off down Boro in an all out assault where we will try and fit in a normal Saturday night out in to 4 hours!

I can see this being a 4 spew minimum lads. Bring a bucket, don't want to ruin the carpet.

Runaway Tire

Remember that other one from a few weeks back? Well here's another one.


Thursday, November 10

Yoda's Birthday

Dear Readers,

Turns out that next Friday I'm down to attend a 90 year old womans birthday. No, it's not KG's latest acquisition from Chicago Rock but a neighbour of mine who has been around forever. Quite literally.

Mrs Stonehouse, funnily enough where she first lived, turns 90 next Friday and well the Heaney's are struggling to come up with a present.

I typed in Turbo Wheelchair into Google and it came up with this...

I want one!

No in all seriousness though 90 is a remarkable age considering she smokes 90 a day and sleeps in an oxygen tank with Michael Jackson.

Young Mrs S has done well having lived through two World Wars, one World Cup win and 20 odd years of me and Pete living across the road. But, the years haven't been so kind to her looks.
Here's Stoney at her last Birthday...

I am hoping that the breath required to blow all the candles out won't finish her off. To steal from Chubby Brown, "There was that many candles they baked the fucking cake!"

I can confirm though that I will of course trying it on with the birthday girl and will be getting on the dancefloor and busting a move and probably a few peoples feet with her wheels of steel.

Ideas for presents would be much appreciated.

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