Tuesday, November 30

2004 by 2004

1922 different people have a had a sneaky glimpse at the wonders the Burnley Wallet offers. 82 to go!!

Keith, Mikey and Ahdal in the Boro

Let's try again eh? Blogger - goddamn you!

Here's Saturday Night in Full: -

Lift There

7.00pm and Pete picked me and Keith up and roared us down the Route 66 to Middlesbrough for another Saturday night of stupidity or as I quickly found out a night out of heavy fruit machine abuse. Cheers for the lift fella!!!

The Hogshead

Walked in and we couldn't see Paul Adahl, who was joining in for a lads night out with us Chiefs.

Looking down at the Touch Screen Quizzer there he was in full 'gambling addict' flow before he joined us to give us a rundown of his days gambling antics! He's worse than Gambling Joey.

Both fruit machines were in use by the collection of Middlesbrough's doormen/women who gather for a pre-night teamtalk of who they're going to kick the shit out of!

Once they cleared out to their respective doors, the machines were clear and I was about to receive a masterclass in fruit machine trickery.

You see, every day Keith and his gang of misfits from the office, including Ahdal (who seems to be the ringleader) come for two pints of Stella (£4.80 a day or approx £125 between paydays as I like to remind them) and then they must pour about £5 each into the fruity and win much much less than they ever put in.

But, because they've played it so much they've learnt every trick, shortcut and button press there is to know! Therefore a well timed quid can often land me a fiver!!

Ahdal sticks £10 (£10!!!!) into the fruity and away he goes.

It seems one of the tricks is that during one feature, known as 'The Stoppa', if you let the machine stop itself, rather than pressing the button, you are 99% guaranteed access to 'The Board'.

No, there's nothing wrong with you - I don't understand it either.

By the looks of it though, neither did he! A minute had passed and it still hadn't stopped.

"Ahdal - the electricity price is going to be massive!!!"

"I know yeah, I'm driving the prices up in here!!"

A few more minutes later and it was still going. A bit of tinsel and we had an instant Christmas Tree.

"You'll lose mate!" I told him.

He needed to land on the money to get on 'The Board' and I predicted he would land on 5 on the trail - the lowest number he could get. If it doesn't make sense don't worry - we only played the fruity in every pub.

Five minutes gone and he landed on a big fat 5!! Useless.

Fruity's? Why?

Me and Keith had a pint each and Paul had an Irn Bru WKD.

Drinking up and moving on...

Lloyds Bar

Ahdal treated himself and me to a Double Vodka Red Bull whilst Keith supped a Corona and Lime - far too early for him to leave the lager alone. We moved upstairs and Ahdal was straight onto a fruity and must have lost another £3.

He told a class story though of one of his recent nights out. He'd had an absolute skinful and they ended up at a local curry house. He get's a Chicken Vindaloo and tucks in. Everything's fine. He clambers into bed once home and the room starts spinning. The chest wrenches but he holds it in. That Vindaloo wants out!! He manages to get to the toilet and spew it all up. The next morning he wakes up to find a small trail of semi digested curry all the way to the bathroom. I was feeling sick myself!!

Also the talk swung round to Xmas parties and it looks like I'm gatecrashing theirs on the 17th! Nice one.

We thought about getting another round in at such good value but we made the eunanimous decision of "being on a mission" and turning this into a mega session.

Moving swiftly on...

Yates

Top notch prices in here. I got three bottles of Red Square for £4.50. Can't be beaten. Keith and Ahdal went straight on the fruity and I used my well placed quid trick. It worked!! Won £4.

We then had a pound a piece in the other fruity in here and Ahdal won us £3 each. Get in!

My theory is that they have misheard when people say you should have five portions of fruit a day.

We weren't in here too long before going round the corner to....

Huxters

Full of rough Boro Chavmeister's and Scallies in here. We fitted right in. Keith and Ahdal straight on the fruity.

I watched the footy and a lovely lady in denim hotpants on the dancefloor. It was Keiths round but the offer was 2 for £3 so we had 2 bottles each in here. It was decidedly cold VK Ice. Probably the most refreshing alcopop I've ever drank.

We knew it was time to go though when the DJ piped up, "Happy Birthday to Sarah and big shout out to all the girls in from Grangetown!!".

Walkabout

Oz Bar" absolutely stung me. I got 3 bottles of Reef at a massive £9. Ridiculous. Chucked them down the neck, got a deserved £2 each back of my two accomplices and can't have been in more than 5 minutes.

"What's going down?" is rapidly becoming a new night out phrase and it seemed very appropriate when realising we'd covered five pubs before 8.30pm! Don't stop me now....

Blue

It was WKD night in here and behind the bar stood a 5ft inflatable bottle of Blue WKD.

I says, "I'm having that."

I asks the barman where he got it from.

"WKD sent it out mate."

"So you can't buy them then?"

"Don't think so."

"Buy it off you, £3". He wasn't having it.

"Look mate there's some scantily clad WKD babes coming soon giving free stuff out so stick around."

Half hour we waited and not one scantily clad babe turned up. The nearest we got was a shaven headed butch "lebo" lesbian running her gob. Christ, hope this isn't a gay bar.

Poor Ahdal had way more than his body is used to by now and went for a bit of a spew. He did in fact resort to Orange Juice instead of anything alcoholic. Me and Keith stuck a good quarter of our WKD bottles into his drink!

He couldn't hack it.

Amazingly, no fruit machine was played in here.

Barracuda

Oh look, Keith and Ahdal on the fruit machine! Not before Keith had bought me and him a Purple Rain each.

A Purple Rain consists of a bottle of WKD Ice. Fine, hey, no probs. Mixed with a Red Aftershock. Ah. You see that looks and tastes a bit too close to medicine for me. It was absolutely vile stuff.

The fruit machine was right close to the stairs and as we found out - it's a bit dangerous. Some deadhead either threw or dropped his bottle over the top floor and it smashed about a foot away from us! Would have knocked Keith out if it had hit him or at least bounced of his head.

Absolut

A truly classic moment occured leaving this pub. Whilst we were in it though I don't much memory of doing anything other than having a random conversation about nothing.

I remember seeing riot police outside Aruba and giving it, "I think we're going there next!!"

Anyhow after drinking our VK Oranges (So tasty after that Aftershock shit) we left the place.

Keith lead the way and though I didn't see her at first, on the way out was Keith's (and I believe Peter's) old Junior School teacher from when he was about 9 year old.

In he goes with a clamping motion and gets a classic pinch to the left cheek!! She looks up and misses me on the follow up and I gets her with a full on crab like pinch to the right!! Genius. A boyhood fantasy fulfilled. Well I always wanted to headbutt her but you know, a good arse pinching will do. I think Ahdal got the blame!!

Aruba

In we goes. Success!!! The fruity was broke.

Again very little memory of what we talked about. Think we just drank up quickly and moved on cos we knew Vienna was next.

Vienna

In the queue for this place and it was freezing. These two lasses just jump out of a taxi and push in a good five spaces in front of us. Er, "Fucks going on?". These two women beihind us went scatty and I thought a major league brawl was going to break out - leaving Me, Keith and Ahdal free to walk in!! Sadly not. It all remained far too civilised.

We finally got in and got a Treble Vodka and Coke each. Ahdal was on water. Bless him.

Some top, top, tunage in here allowing a full three way robotic tag dance to ensue. Lots of dancing, singing and laughs with these lasses who were stood opposite us.

One of them was really drunk and was dancing with this scruffy lad. The tune playing at the time? Nothing less than modern hit "Relight My Fire" by that new band Take That and LuLu making her debut.

This lass got way too ambitious and fell over her own feet. This lad jumps down, grabs her hand and pulls her up so fast I thought the resulting upswing was going to make her throw up all over him. She held it inthough and only suffered a dislocated shoulder.

After Round 1 of drinks was finished it was Keith's turn at the bar. The poor lad was struggling to get through the crowded masses and stopped at the DJ booth.

Apparently I looked at him at least three times but never acknowledged him.
I'll have to get my specs checked. He texted me, texted Ahdal, rang me as well - all to no avail. To get back to us on the other side of the pub he had to take a step, sip a bit of drink from all three, step, sip, step, sip, step, "Oh fuck it, I'll spill what I spill!!!"

He launched into a mega rant when he finally got back!! The lardhead.

A lot more dancey tunes and some top notch early 90's hardcore dancing from me and Ahdal.

Top class. Why did we leave here? I don't know.

But, we left anyway and Ahdal called it quits. He got a good sing song to see him off. I can't recall the words but they were funny.

So it was down to me and Keith to top off a class night out with...

Walkabout

Now this was either going to be dreadful or awesome. Keith comes over and says, "I've totally sobered up!"

Nightmare!! He won't do anything but sleep now!!

But I either misheard him or he was lying cos when the DJ stuck "Cheer up Sleepy Jean (Peter Reid)!!" on he nearly broke me neck and sent me crashing into the DJ booth as he pogodanced across the slippery tiles of the dancefloor with me in a headlock.

DJ is a legend in here. Just plays whatever we tell him. We got Oasis, Status Quo, The Who, missed Franz Ferdinand(we asked too late), but then he hit us with Queen's We Will Rock You, followed by Bohemian Rhapsody.

During BR a chill went up the spine when he stopped the music and the whole pub was in unison.

Once that epic finished we were exhausted. He then cruelly hit us with Don't Stop Me Now and we were off again!!! A song that truly summed the whole night up. Sublime.

Your pissed, you want a good time - no one wants to hear some unheard of DJ's "I Was in the Bath Mix" of another unheard of DJ's latest hit! (Do they Pete?!!)

Once he'd treat us two to the soundtrack of "having a good time" he a got a little bit dancey on us but to keep us happy a Kangaroo joined the dancefloor!! Me and Keith started getting stuck in. I was digging him in the ribs and Keith had his mask off in a few seconds.

I was so tempted to full on rugby tackle him but I was too sober and knew we'd be out.

We had a quick look upstairs, nowt was happening and then went looking for a taxi.

We're walking down Albert Road and Keith couldn't help but break into song...

"Are ya hanging up ya stockings on the wall!!!"

Sadly though that's the only verse line he knows!! So we were into the chorus a lot earlier than expected. The whole road was joining in. We quickly turned into Band Aid as well and had a rousing rendition of Feed The World sung down the road by the drunken, cold revellers. A song truly warms the heart.

Keith booked a taxi for the Purple Onion and we sang Boney M's classic "Mary's Boy Child" all the way.

A top, top night out. Up there with the best of the year for terms of a laugh and craziness.

Monday, November 29

Why The SImpsons is Genius

A huge list of the countless subtle jokes in the Simpsons.

Careful Now

Be quiet with the toad!

Sky + (Update)

I was supposed to get my Sky+ installed on Friday, so I took a day off work and generally bounced round the house waiting for "the" phone call.

Well, it gets to half ten, and no call. So I phone the old customer service bird up and she says if he hasn't rang by midday phone back. So, by 11.05 (me being impatient and all) I rings back and demands to speak to a real person.

"I'll just ring the engineer" says the bird, "and see what he's doing."

"Right Mister Heelington,"

"That's Heaney"

"I know. The engineer will ring you back in 15 minutes. Goodbye Mister Hitler."

So I waits and finally he rings.

"Is that mister Hula-Hoop?"

"Er, yes."

"it's the sky bloke here. The installer of your sky+ was involved in a serious car accident this morning."

"And?"

"Well, it'll have to be tomorrow."

"It can't be that serious if he can come tomorrow?"

"No it'll be someone else."

"Why can't someone else come now?"

"Just to piss you off."

"Fair do's."

So some geordie geezer and his lil' apprentice comes on Satda.

Whacks it in and out in five minutes. Then does the Sky. Arf!

And it's absolutely mint. But you already knew that.

2004 by 2004

Here's a challenge for us -

2004 hits before the end of 2004!

We've just over a month left and due to the slowdown in productivity on here it's about time we had a challenge to spur us on! We're at just over 1900 now and it's something worth doing isn't it?

Get blogging lads!!! I want to see some mad shit on here!

That includes Groves the big, lazy, bear shaped, grizzly f*cker. Get that link blogged you showed me tonight!! He last blogged on, unbelievably - 24th October 2004. You lazy c...

Sunday, November 28

Gutted

Just spent two fucking hours typing the night out me and KG had up town and the bastard hasn't published and has just dissapeared.

GOD DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm going for a cry.

Saturday, November 27

Brian Tetzlaff

Thanks for the guestbook entry.

He likes our site!

I really like your site!!!

What is happening? Why is our guestbook being signed by Porn Websites?!!! It creases me up.

Mikey's Big Works Night Out!

Christ this could be the worst night of the year so far....I nearly got to the end of the year but I should have seen the warning signs.

There was 8 of us out. That's from ooh150 employees. I don't particularly know 2 of them either and we were starting in TS1.

So anyway, here goes, I'm not going to enjoy typing this.

Lift There

Got a lift up with Groves. Gets in the car and Jesus, it smelt like someone had died in there.

"Is that you?"

"Yeah - awesome innit!!!"

Seeing as we were pretty early we had a bit of a drive round and finally got to...

TS1

Well BW Superfan Matthew or as I now like to call him "The Twat" was in here and no-one else yet. Anyhow gets a pint of Carling in. Dave Lofts arrives and we soon started talking about work. Yawn.

Emma and Kim arrived. Hurrah. Lovely ladies. Then we sort of waited around a bit for the others to arrive. Emma sends Colin a text and as it turns out they are in Lloyds!

TS1 is just, it's just rubish.

Taxi to Lloyds

Eeeh, pretty funny this. Jumps in and we're travelling along and he got to a set of lights and managed to btypass the Red by quite simply driving round them. I then launched into a full on argument of how he could get arrested. He says in his best Delhi accent, "No, no, police can not do anything."

In my best Paddy from Max and Paddy accent "Now that maybe so my friend but I tell ya - it'll dink dank doo for me!"

Lloyds

Emma comes up to me shouting, "Who's that tosser throwing stuff down here!?"

I looks up and it's Colin and Tanya!! Emma, get your contacts sorted!!

I grabbed a couple of WooWoo's for the ladies and a DVRB for myself. Luvverly.

Some classic music videos on. Now I'm not down with the kids but you know the video where it's the bunch of fit birds in the gym doing lot's of bending over? Well the song it accompanies was played in pretty much every pub I went in last night. I turns to Emma, who had been to the gym that day as it happens and gives it, "So how'd they get that footage of you and Helen from the gym?". I'm a charmer at heart.

I have to say though, there's a fair amount of birds out on a Friday, seemed to be more than a Saturday. There was a bunch of lasses all wearing these pink hats and blonde wigs. I says to Matthew "Are we getting one of those?"

Anyway young Matthew wasn't exactly the height of fun tonight, hence his new name and well, you know, if you're going to come on a night out at least have a bit of a crack eh?

Moving on. (I know, this is turning into a personal rant).

Yates

Emma bought a jug of Sex on the Beach which was rank. I drank mine rather quickly - it was just orange juice pretty much so I buys a Red Square and a shot each for me, Emma and Kim. I don't know what "The Twat" was doing, couldn't even give him free drinks the miserable git. Anyway I turns round and looks at my 'empty' glass of Sex on the Beach and it's half full (or half empty depending on your outlook on life). Seems Kim didn't like hers either!! I mixes in my Red Square with it to produce the foulest tasting drink ever. Try it sometime. Which has of course given the Wallet another idea - The Burnley Wallet - the finest tasting cocktail the world has seen.

Thing I noticed in here was Yates had an offer on 275ml bottles, simply that they were all £1.50. But there's a little sign on the till that says bottles of Mudshaker now come in a 200ml bottle and not 275ml. I says to Matthew, sorry 'The Twat', "I can't believe Yates have wasted their time with that sign."

He says, "Why? Cos no one will care about 75ml?"

"No, cos no-one drinks mud-shaker!"

Top class Xmas decs in here, there is a tree worth nicking if anyone fancies it.

Walk to Huxters

The huge Christmas Tree was the target for Dave and his chainsaw (he's a maintenance lad at our works). Apparently one Xmas a few years back he managed to get 8 onto his van roof for people at work.

By the way, theifs and criminals out there - the cage fence is down and the tree is very accessible if you want a nice set of lights for the garden.

Huxters

Christ almighty, this was worse than TS1. Well, I think if me and KG had been in there it would have been absolutely awesome. The tunage was class, the dancefloor was full of ladies and drinks were £1.50.

So what did our merry band of men do? We stood in the corner and sort of looked around aimlessly not saying very much. It was depressing. I had to behave and let potential brilliance pass me by.

Anyway 'The Twat' sort of got in a bit of a huff with himself - I think he realised just how boring he is and decided to go home so, walking round to Barracuda, he jumped in a taxi and was off.

The Barracuda Bar

Pretty 'funky' in here. The DJ was pumping out some bassy tunes and there was a gadge (that's a bloke to you non-Boro readers out there) on guitar, with it trebled up to the max, playing along with the DJ's tunes. It was class. I'd have been happy staying in here and listening to it. Very original I have to say. I'm not sure how long they've been doing but I was most impressed. Had a bottle of Smirnoff Ice in here.

The Zetland

Went in here but it was dead so we left for...

Vienna

Again, top tunage in here, more dancey stuff than the sing-along stuff me and KG get on a Saturday. Bumped into two old school mates. One of them, David Baxter, is the brother of one of Emma's mates old boyfriends.

Emma whispers, "Don't say anything, but his brother is a total f**king arsehole."

Me being me, "Here Baxter, accroding to a reliable source, your brother is a total f**king arsehole!"

"Miiichaelll!!!" I get's a thump in the chest.

But he was in total agreeance (thank God) and we had a bit of a laugh at Anthony Johnson's (the other schoolmate) expense. All good fun.

Left Vienna and walked up to just outside Flares. None of us could agree where to go. I wasn't arsed because it was freezing. Colin and Tanya went to Walkabout but the rest of went to...

The Zetland

Why oh why would anyone come here? To put it mildly "It's a fu*king disgrace."

Goes in the first bit which is all nicely done out and what not and it was fairly quiet and we could have had a sit down but oh no, let's go the other room. We walks in. It was shoulder to shoulder full of Middlesbrough's lowest forms of life all pushing past, spilling your drink and looking for a fight. Never again!

I went back in the opther room and sits down. This old Scottish bloke starts talking to me for no apparent reason and I couldn't understand a word he was saying. I used the tried and tested nod, say yeah, laugh method.

For example....

"Ononmp noasnv n apnfn mapfm."

Nod.

"Asonsn inmasfm afn agpnm kzdpvn??"

Yeah.

"Opsnvnsvm psnbo vns vnosgnosnv ons vnosn vosvn znovnsodv nsovn adscdd!!!!"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!

You get the idea.

Left the Zetland, avoiding the squashed rat in the back alley which was disgusting and walked to Walkabout. Kim decided she was off home which upset Emma so I then had to be her bessie mate and listen to all her woes. Which was fun.

Walkabout

The band was on and were fairly good - The Union Jacks apparently. I was beyond sober and just wanted to watch the band. But sadly I was dragged upstairs, downstairs, to the bar etc. It was all very enjoyable.

"Hi, my names Mike, and I'm trying to have a night out as well."

Well time went by I was getting more and more fed up and buggered off home.

The worst night out of the year.

Wednesday, November 24

Every Second Counts

Class game this, try and hold the button down for as long as it says. Play it now!!

Christmas Decs

They're all over the place now! Including a Chinese Restaurant in Middlesbrough. Sticking with tradition there methinks.

Pete any chance you can incorporate some sort of twinkling light style fanciness into the template of the Wallet and make us look all Christmafied?

Comments

Cheers for the comments on the song lads. It's not worthy of such praise!


Monday, November 22

Nottingham

A song for the stag do!!

To the tune of Baggy Trousers: -

Nottingham is fucking cool,
Keith is breaking all the rules,
Russ looks like a snooker cue
and Daley is a stupid fool.

Emma wouldn't let him go
To Amsterdam or don't you know
That is where we should have went
We ended up on the River Trent

Oh what fun we had, but did it really turn out bad?
All I learnt in Notts, was not to drink too many shots.

Oh what fun we had, but did it really turn out bad?
Went to Nottingham and never had so much fun.

Notting-ham,
Notting-ham,
Notting-ham,

Pete's head is getting shaved,
lad's are in a mental rage,
we ended up at a frigging rave,
Claire locked Stevie in a cage

We act the fool, the women stare
Pete's got womens undewear
He looks a prick but he don't care
All he knows is he was there

Oh what fun we had, but it did it really turn out bad
All I learnt in Notts was not too drink too many shots

Oh what fun we had, but did it really turn out bad
We went to Nottingham and never had so much fun.

Notting-ham,
Notting-ham,
Notting-ham,

Phillips car it wouldn't start
Or was it just his dead go kart
We ended up playing darts
The stripper was a dirty tart

Tottsy's head it has a sheen
Hangovers made me scream
Chief you know I want Ice cream
Amsterdam was just a dream

Oh what fun we had, but it did it really turn out bad
All I learnt in Notts was not too drink too many shots

Oh what fun we had, but did it really turn out bad
We went to Nottingham and never had so much fun

Notting-ham,
Notting-ham,
Notting-ham,
Notting-ham,
Notting-ham,
Notting-ham.

Sunday, November 21

Chiefs in the Boro

Lift There

Sacka, Keith's gigantic nosed uncle gave us a lift up to town for perhaps the 20th week running for the Chiefs. Now it may have been cold outside but I gets into the car and Pinocchio had the heaters on full power. I thought I was going to pass out!!

I suppose he has got 20lbs more flesh on his schnoz to warm up though.

Dickens Inn

The first pub for us was the unbelievably fancy on the outside, wank on the inside, Dickens Inn.

Goes in and it was full of old codgers again! Where have all the young, fit, students gone? There was a huge bunch of lads in one corner giving out a load of songs and what not, very rowdy indeed!! Grabed a pint a piece, recapped Groves' nightmare afternoon which I'll let him explain and then we moved on.

Star and Garter

Moves up Southfield Road and onto the next pub. I love this pub now, it's classic!

Grabbed a pint each and launched ourselves into a near word perfect and impression perfect run down of 'Max and Paddy's Road to Nowhere' from the night before. Quite simply the best thing on TV anywhere at the moment.

"Patrick, it is a well known fact that dwarves are circus entertainers who perform such feats as cartwheels." Genius.

The Southfield

So moving up the road and for a spot of "Pocket Money" as its known - The Trickshot Pool game we must stick about £10 in every week.

This deadhead comes up whilst Keith is mid game and asks, "Won much mate?"

Excited, Grovesy replies "Yeah!! Just won a quid!!"

Now this is the hardest game to win money out of you've ever seen. It's fixed basically, so to win a 'bin lid' is very rare.

He replies almost disgusted, "Is that it?"

So after me and Groves finished, this chief has a go and he was worse than us two! Lardhead, all mouth and no cue control. If you know what I mean.

Walk to Blue

Leaving the Southfield, we emerged into what at first I thought was the Arctic. It was f**king freezing. I was wearing a shirt, which has hundreds of tiny tears to form the pattern in it. It was like wearing a string vest!!! I nearly passed out!!

Anyhow, walking down the road I was practically begging that we either: -

a) goes to TS1, which was the first pub or

b) gets a taxi to Blue Lounge, probably a good 20 yards away. It would have been worth it.

But oh know, let's walk. I've still got the mental scars from the experience of it all.

Blue Lounge

This place didn't make it much better. Talk about one extreme to another.

-10c outside 40c inside.

My glasses steamed instantly. God, it was packed in here. This was a lass I used to go school with many moons ago has an older sister and she was stood about 5 yards away from us. There was a lass with her who looked the spit of the one I did go to school with. (If that makes any sense!). I starts winding Groves up.

"Chief, it's her am telling ya!!"

"It's not!! No way."

"It is chief!! Go and ask her if ya don't believe me!" I knew it wasn't but it was a laugh at the time.

Left there, once we'd thawed out and jumps in a taxi. Nice one it's an Asian, have a bit of fun.

Taxi to Lloyds

The miserable twat. It's no wonder people are racist.

Lloyds Bar

Barca vs. Real Madrid mega match was on the Hyper Resolution screens in here. It may be the Hyper Resolution Bar but my TV has a better picture than theirs.

Me and Groves getting further and further towards blind drunkedness decided a Treble Vodka Red Bull would send us there and give us the energy to pull off the best John Motson and Barry Davies impressions whilst commentating on the game! Managed to see the first goal before buggering off. "Ooh, magnificent goal, what was the defender doing?!".

I dunno what has happened but Lloyds is less than half as packed as it was say three months ago at the same time. I think people are put off by these lads who think they're footy commentators.

Yates

Went next door and grabbed a bottle each for just £1.50 each. Superb. KG has a go on the fruity and I'm stood watching him. I looks up and bugger me Austin Powers is walking towards us!!

I gave him my best David Brent doing an impression of Austin Powers impression: -

"Shagadelic baby!!!" (including a little jig of my hands whilst pointing at him.)

He comes back clearly impressed that I've noticed his rubbish costume.

"Groovy!! Yeah!!!!"

Then out of the blue I gave him a menancing point and a "Fuck you!"

I turns round to Groves and who says through streaming tears "That's the funniest thing I've ever heard!"

But it wasn't even funny! Discussing it with KG yesterday he says, "What got me was how fast you went from being his very best mate to being his worst enemy!"

I dunno, very strange sense of humour us lot.

Left Yates and paid homage to the sublime Xmas tree and then some loony tune comes hurtling past us , jumps over one of the marble benches just round the corner from Yates and from I don't know where, finds a mop, proceeds to clean the pavement and starts singing "I'm cleaning up this Middlesbrough town!". It was like an older version of Keith!

Hogshead

Took me two days to recall that we went in here. Absolutely bugger all happened.

Flares

Walks into Flares and straight through to...

Reflex

Goes in here and I'm stood looking at the dancefloor and I feels this hand on my back. I looks to my right and this bloke looks like he wants to get past.

I step forward but the hand stays there and slowly starts rubbing up and down.

"Easy tiger!!!!" I shouts removing said hand.

"Er, Groves, think we're going back in Flares!!"

So this weirdo then walks off and he starts doing it to another lad!! Never confused.

Flares

Keith got the drinks. Needed something strong to get that out of my head but Groves pushed as far as a Smirnoff Ice. Never confused!!!!!!

Aruba

Went in here but it was about 6 deep at the bar, ridiculous. Struggled all the way over to the other side of the pub to get out after giving up on the bar, but the Bouncer said we had to use the main entrance!! Gutted.

Vienna

This pub is just knock out. Queued in the freezing cold for ages and lost count of the number of lasses wanting to cut the queue or have a hug to keep warm. Being a big guy has its advantages you know!!

The DJ took us through a whole host of sing-a-longs then pulled a metaphorical rabbit out of the hat when he stuck Maroon 5 on and the whole pub burst into song.

"This love has taken it's toll on me....." That one.

Got a couple of drinks in here cos it was so good. We even got a full length play of Baggy Trousers. Apparently I was flirting with a 40 year old bird according to Groves but I don't remember. He was busy talking to some bird he works with for ages as well so I probably did go off for a wonder. "I found me soul mate!!!" he tells me.

When we left , these lads must have left moments before us and were singing "Do they know its Christmas time!!"

Being the modern day version of Fred Astaire and Frank Sinatra we joined in. Life is a musical after all. I don't know if was the acoustics of the underpass of the A66 but the noise the five or six of us made was unbelievable!

These rappers think there good coming up with lyrics on the spot eh? Well KG came up with:

"If ya fuck-in freezing clap ya hands!!!"

And sang it all the way to Walkabout. Got about 4 claps in total.

Walkabout

So to cap it off, we went to the Oz bar. Groves totally ran out of steam and died.

Met up with Ste, Gypo and Reggie. Gypo and Reggie buggered off to Chicago Rock and Ste stuck with us. I was bouncing, Keith was dying and Ste just wasn't drunk enough, so when Bohemian Rhapsody I was pretty much dragging them round the dancefloor by their necks, Al Zarqawi style. I got a bit carried away during one song and must have caught my watch on something as it fell to the floor.

I picked it up and KG sees me. He says "I'll have that chief!"

"No." I says.

Ste grabs me arm and has a look - "It's only a Seiko!".

"It's mine ya cheeky bastard!!!"

Ventured upstairs for oooh, a good minute before coming straight back down.

As Ste put it, "Now I know why I don't go upstairs."

Bit boring to be honest in here so we decided it was home time.

Getting Home

I was beyond cold and unbelievably Groves found a scarf just laying on the street and kicks it in my face!! I says I'm having that. Didn't half keep us warm.

Ste and KG couldn't resist Parmo but I could and got a taxi on my own. I was pissed, so I may be wrong but I'm 90% certain it was the driver who took us to Lloyds earlier. If it wasn't he was equally as miserable.

£8.30 home as well. Shocking.

Friday, November 19

Crash Test Dummies

Not the lame band but a cracking game.

Christmas 2004 Competition Winner

Date: 19 November 2004

Location: Comrades, Middlesbrough

Sadly, this greasy spoon is where I get my dinner most days.

I'm pleased to announce that they have put up what can only be decribed as Middlebsrough's worst decorations.

I walks there today to be greeted in the window by a Merry Christmas banner where it is cut into inch thick strips, a dodgy looking piece of tinsel on the counter and I didn't spot the tree.

Mind you I didn't half enjoy my Xmas dinner.

I'll try and get a couple of blurry pics on my phone if possible. Of the decs that is and not my dinner.

So I guess I'll keep these tickets to the Bahamas for myself!!!

Remember readers, mega prizes are on offer to readers who spot decs up before 1st December in obscure places, we're also accepting cards through the door as well. Send us evidence, we'll send you a prize!!

Sky +

Who's that getting Sky+ in on Friday?

Ha, must be me!

Thursday, November 18

Happy Birthday!

Many many many happy returns to regualr wallet reader Katie who has apparently turned 17, according to her profile.



I must remind KG and MH that this is not a dating site.

Man Enough

Man Enough? Me?

Yes!! I am quite frankly going to be knocking on the glass with it.

Groves however, well this is what he's asked me to get him for Christmas. He's too embarrased to ask his ma.

Hamster-jam

Apparently, when trying to engage "ladies of the night" in "tha dam", the tradition is to walk up to the window and give the lady a flash of your, erm, man bits.

And if they like the size, then in you go. If not, your carted away in the back of a police van and force fed viagra for a week.

So, KG and MH, are you MAN ENOUGH?

1800

Thank's to all our readers our site has reached another milestone!!!!!

Huge well done lads on surpassing the 1800 unique hits mark.

General Bollocks

Another week of dull, dreary, uninspiring rubbish almost over.

And that's just conversations with Keith on the way to work.

Chrimbo

Only joking, only us two lardheads could manage to sing about 15 Xmas songs mid November and get so carried away it ended up with me having to ask people at work just what that Mariah Carey one goes like!

Altogether now, "All I want for Xmas is you!!!"

When do the Christmas lights come on in the Boro? Can't wait to be driving home through the town centre and start to feel the excitement. It must be soon surely.

The tree is stood in the middle of town. It's surrounded by a fence which I'm informed that on Saturday night, after leaving Yates I ran full speed into. As Groves put it: -

"Heaney, ya nearly ruined Christmas in Boro!!"

What's happening then in the BW Headquarters?

Well we still haven't invented a brand new meal! We will one day. I think if we wait till Xmas time though we can use the overabundance of sweets as ingredients.

I think we may have to make THE ULTIMATE CHOCOLATE BAR! A concotion of Celebrations, Quality Street and chocolate liquer! Mmmm.

There's loads of ideas floating around that we're hoping to start delivering on a weekly basis in full on photo form. Most feature lots of stuff Keith Groves will be carrying out that sane people would never attempt. Hey Grovesy, ya jackass!!

The reason for Groves not blogging is apparently because "I prefer commenting."

I've got a funny feeling the Grizzly mutha is going to hit us with the blog from heaven very soon.

Peter, our other furry friend is currently locked in his front room playing GTA San Andreas 7 hours a day and we will be getting a full length exclusive feature review from him very soon on the game and why you should play it. In 20 minutes last night, I shot 50+ policemen, sped round the motorway and crashed a plane into a wall. I then got to Pete's house and he let us a have a go.

The Mighty Boro blog has gone from strength to strength - far easier to manage and update than the BW Premiership which is too much. I think it might have to be sacked and officially closed.

Stag Do

The excitement is building, the lads are certainly up for the stag do.

As Stevie Merckin put it: -

"Am buzzin!!!"

I can sense the fear in Pete and I'm thinking he will find a hiding place on the ferry and stay there while we tear the place apart!!

I got a text of Keith - I think he spelt it Hamstcherdam.

Spell it how you say it.

And that's about all I can think of for now.

What's happening this weekend boyo's?

Monday, November 15

Fallujah

Man, there is some serious weaponry on display here - some soldier films a fair bit of fighting in Fallujah. Superb stuff.

Xmas Competition Update

Our first prize-winner for signs of early Xmas madness: -

Peter Heaney!!!

With his winning entry of a Xmas Card through the letter box on 13th November.

Pete your 32" Widescreen TV will be with you shortly!

Remember! See decorations in a window - send us a photo!!!!

You, yes YOU, could be winning star prizes like Peter.

Why in Christ's name do I talk in my mind with an American accent when I type that?

The Big Surprise Night Out

At 6 o'clock it clicked into gear, my brain could sense a beer was near, so I gave it a shout, "Pete and Groves are we out?" and all I heard was a cheer. God knows where that came from.

Well anyway, after much arguing, deliberating, debating, moaning, groaning and sweating I finally decided on a shirt to wear.

Not really! I am of course talking about the three top chiefs who manage the Burnley Wallet. Me, Keith and Pete. After an intense meeting we agreed that, goddam it, staying in on a Saturday night is not normal!!

The Lift There

Chris Groves, Keith's little bro, in his Punto with City Steering on (even lighter than power steering) managed to give us a full on rally drive in to town which wasn't too good considering my knees were tickling his ears.

I did find it class though how Keith had talked him into taking us by giving him £2 per man. So £6 in all.

After he dropped us off we all went straight in to the pub and left him stranded! Five mins later a text arrives for Keith: -

"Thanks for the petrol money."

How we laughed.

The Dickens Inn

What has happened to the former trendiest pub in Boro? This used to be full of 16 - 21 year olds wearing the latest fashions from Psyche. Tonight it was full of old people wearing the latest fashions from BHS.

I reckon all these trendies are suffering severe Credit Card overload. Just like I am. But I'm not trendy.

Earlier on in the day myself and Pete had sorted out a deal for his stag do - Amsterdam. You can kind of imagine how little talking of anything other than this went on.

So slurping up our pints in double quick time because it was quite dull in here we moved on to the.....

Star and Garter

Starting to like this pub. It reminds me of The Normanby, which is in of all places, Normanby.

The DJ was on smack in here. We had some sort of Steps/Shania Twain garbage on when we first came in and these lasses were stood, pissed up, singing very very loud! Like a female version of me and Grovesy.

Later on we got Prince Charming (Adam and the Ants is it? I only remember it from Phoenix Nights) and then the Ghostbusters Theme Tune which was superb.

Amazingly, just as Groves took his final drink, one of his fave songs comes on. Rockin' All Over the World by Status Qup because it was one of the songs played at the Boro Cup Final earlier this year. I was startled when we left mid-song. Groves, call yourself a Boro fan?

The Southfield

It took a good 15 - 20 minutes for me to be served. I switched to Smirnoff Ice's and the other two to Becks and it was over to the Pool machine. I mean, it's the Southfield - thats all its got going for it.

I puts a quid in and Groves managed to do the old bottle held down on the other button trick from a few weeks back. The grizzly mutha!! Still won a 'bin lid' (a quid) though!

The Blue Lounge

I've re-named this The Sauna. I looked at Groves about a minute after coming in and there was steam coming off his head. It is smart though in here. A lovely lady colleague from work passed me by and I impressed the lads by giving a cheeky hello and not letting on for a bit that she was from work. Not sure what Pete was getting up to with the Black guy who serves aftershave in the toilets but he was an awfully long time!!

The House

Went in here and with it being a bit later on what with us starting later, it was a tad empty but it was alright. Pete got the first round in. I think it was £5.49 for two bottles and a double vodka Red Bull.

"Another round in here lads?" asked Pete.

"Oh yes!" (Well, it was my round next!)

So I got the second round and got us all a Double Vodka and Red Bull each.

The price... £6, maybe £7? NO!!!

"£10.15 please."

The robbing bastards.

Much talk about Amsterdam, I think if it doesn't happen there will be a lot of tears shed now. Pete sends a text on behalf of Groves asking, "How much for a "Prozza" in Amsterdam?"

"25 Euros" was the reply.

So as Keith eloquently put it to me yesterday mid-conversation while we recapped the night out: -

"F**king hell chief, 25 euros? Not bad for a suck and f**k is it?"

I think Pete scared him though with his story of how you knock on the window of the Prozza with your knob out to let them know you want a bit.

Not that any one of us will be getting up to such sordid antics. Okay, maybe Peter.

Groves bought us a shot of some vile rubbish each. Pete wouldn't drink his so a brand new song was invented on the spot to the tune of 'Brown Girl in the Ring'.....

Get it into ya, lala lala la
Get it into ya, la, lalalala

I'm not sure who got Peters but some deadhead was sniffing round us giving it "I'll have it!!".

"You can for a fiver son."

Taxi to Lloyds

One of us flagged it down and we were actually dissapointed when he stopped because he wasn't an Asian. He did provide a highlight though.

We got to a set of lights and what looked like a Prostitute was crossing over the road from us. (Yes it is a nice town is Middlesbrough!)

Having talked pretty much non-stop about them in The House due to our upcoming visit to Amsterdam we started having a bit of a crack with the driver, who managed come up with a new stag do catchphrase:

Snotty Cock.

Apparently this is what you would have in the morning had you gone with said "Prozza". I take it he was speaking on past experience.

Lloyds

I'm trying to think of a witty "Thrilla in Manilla" style rhyme to go with Lloyds since there was a mental fight in here. "The Uh-huh in Middlesbrough" perhaps?

Having got served with our jug of Vodka Red Bull, I turns round and this lad across the pub walks up to another lad and landed the right hander to end all right handers. The guy on the receiving end took off and landed sprawledout on three or four chairs.

The 'puncher' then laid into the 'punchee' several more times before strutting off. All this whilst all the battered lads mates sat round stunned. Er, get up and help him out people!

Yates

Fair bit of the old riding-up skirt syndrome. My God, there was some arse cheek on display, not that I was looking of course. In fact young Mr Groves got in a bit of bother later on for his wandering eyes.

I went to the toilet and whilst in there, one of these short skirted birds was at the bar and Groves was giving her the eye.

She comes over.

"What you staring at? I'm not yours to stare at."

"You what?"

She repeats.

"You what?"

She repeats.

"You what?"

She repeats. Again.

"Sorry love, I'm deaf in that ear."

If I was there, my lungs may have burst.

But she didn't see the funny side (perhaps because I wasn't there) and Groves was about to be sorted out....

"You just wait!" was the threat.

Nothing came of it. The bouncer was about 4' 7" and didn't fancy us taking three meaty fella's I don't think.

Oh and dodgy Pete. Well it was me being decidedly pervy to be honest. This old granny comes in with what can only be described as a leopard skin teddy/nighty style thing on and not only mooned half the pub when she bent over to pick her stool up she sat down and was not particularly lady like.

I says to the lads, "I'm, er, oooh look my lace is undone!!" for a cheap laugh.

So I goes down and Pete pushed me over the gimp!!!

I falls down and the whole pub cracks up. This lass comes over laughing and introduced herself. Groves delivered the best 'kissing a ladies hand' ever!! You know, when you shake hands but kiss the top of their hand. Shame she looked like a bloke.

This other lass comes in a few minutes later and, with me and Pete being brothers and having very similar shirts on, thought she'd be clever. She asks "Ere man, are you two twins!?" in a spot on Boro scally accent.

"No, but are you Jimmy Hill's?" I rapidly replied.

Honestly right, her chin had it's own airport it was that big. You could have landed a plane on it.

Anyhow, all this tomfoolery got to poor Keith and Pete cos after we left and we were walking past the Hogs (which was shut) they both decided to spew all over the street un-announced. Can one of you explain just what on earth happened?

Tried The Barracuda but it was shut.

So we went to......

Vienna

Treble Vodka Coke's all round. Groves' was telling me yesterday that Pete smashed a glass in here which I don't recall - again can one of you fill us in.

Emma Newton, or should I say Emma Miller's work mate, who now, whenever she sees me gives me a huge hug, spills half me drink and always ask if I remember who she is. I still don't even know what she's called! I just play along.

Giving the ladies who were dancing in front of us a bit of light hearted banter and I got a free 10 second lap dance off one! Wahey the Mikey! Why did we leave here? I was really enjoying it.

Walking from Vienna to finish off in Chicago we managed to take a dodgy shortcut down the back of Gilzeans where the first thing I see is Pete and Groves with a beer barrel running off down the street with it!!

Me and Groves also spots this lass who was rather well endowed in the chest area. Being pissed up it was obvious that we would start singing.

"Get ya tits out." You know the rest.

People say musicals are unrealistic and people don't just break into song on the street. Me and Groves would beg to differ.

Chicago Rock Cafe - In the Queue

Shaun 'Chunk' Hayes was in the queue - him being a former school mate of me and KG. We were singing at him either "Get it into ya" or "Chunky Chunky, Chunky" to the tune of "Pussy, Pussy, Pussy" from a couple of weeks back.

Chicago Rock

Took about 15 mins to get in where we meets up with Jo, Claire, Emma and Joanne. Dodgy dancing going on - that Claire Merkin is a wild one!! You want to watch out for her when she's out. Mentalist. Showing her undies off, letting us undo them at the sides (them lace up ones) getting spanked, bumping and grinding! (Hope she reads this!!).

Ended up going through all our repertoire of moves including Robotic Tag, the Hitchhiker and everything we had learned from Max and Paddy the night before. I remember being on the dance floor late on and looking up and Pete and Groves and they were still both doing robotic tag!!!

I went off on the hunt for birds and found not one but two young 'uns amongst the really old 'uns willing to take a free drink from my wallet. Sadly though they looked like the Crankies so I wasn't going for it.

The time flew by in here and nearing the end off we went, drunk, happy and exhausted after our nights dancing and, where better, than the pizza shop.

Once served, I set off to look for a taxi like a true gent but no-one bothered to tell me that there was one already booked. So, 300 yards from the centre I gets a phone call.

"Mikey, we're in the taxi waiting for you!!"

So I has to run all the way back, well a good 50 yds and then walked the rest and jumps in.

The taxi driver stung us and I had to walk pretty much from Groves's house.

I rings up Stevie, Claire's husband, for a recap since although I had a good fifteen minute conversation with him in the taxi home, I couldn't hear a single word of it. Partly because me and Groves sang the Jungle Book's "King of the Swingers" most of the way home. I'm sure KG will post the new version that we sang.

Stevie, the poor lad has got the flu at the moment which must be bad considering his nose has it's own capital city. Only joking lad!!

I gets in, 3am-ish, freezing and then goes and spews me burger up!

But, it was so worth it.

A top class night out!!!

Saturday, November 13

Max and Paddy: Road to Nowhere

Was it superb? Oh yes.

The official spelling is "Dink Dank Doo."

But "How dare you?" is guaranteed to sweep the nation. Even Peter Kay himself has the confidence to sell t-shirts with it on already on his website.

Racist

Always thought KG was a bit of a racist.

Away Groves about time you came back in a blaze of glory and gave me and Pete all the best Harold Bishop and Gorilla links you can find!!!!

Groves Found

I'm ashamed to say The BW Team has found Groves.

Having got to his house 20 mins before I was due to arrive I stumbled across a horrid site. KG has been secretly cross dressing.

Shocking Picture

Snip Snip Snip

This + This = This


Amsterdam

Hurrah, surely now, we can't change our minds at the prospect of Amsterdam and it's quiet scenery and chilled out attractions.

C'mon lads lets start to get a bit of hype going!!!!!!

If you can stand the pace, we'll see you on the ferrie.

How do people regularly stay in on a weekend?

I'm in severe mental breakdown thinking of the drinking possibilitites I am passing up this evening. I could stretch to it but with the rapidly appraoching Christmas/Stag Do/Wedding/Car Insurance and Tax Renewal financial bonanza it's time to have a weekend off and save £50+.

I'm sure I'll feel great in the morning but it feels terrible now.

Thursday, November 11

Storm a Beach

Cracked me up this one, some squaddies storming a beach in a training exercise but hit a bit of a stumbling block. Check it out.

Xmas Competition!!

Huge prizes up for grabs!!!

According to rumours and lots of office talk, it seems some lardheads have started putting their decs up already!

Have you seen any? Know some dudes who just couldn't wait?

Well, the BW is offering mega prizes to people who can provide photographic proof of it. Remember, a pine tree in someone's garden won't be counted.

The words 'mega' and 'huge' may be defined differently in your mind to ours and well, if your prize is shit, it's not our fault.

Mobile Phone Bill

Well in comes my 'on-line bill' - £80.

Or is that eighty tatey in Groves speak? Only he knows. But hey, only he knows what a £286 phone bill feels like.

A serious kick in the gonads if ever there was one.

Yes gang, I am having to give the weekend a miss on the old booze front. To be honest not only does my wallet need it but my liver is starting to get a bit unhappy.

A True Life Burnley Wallet

A decidedly saddened voice called me today in the office. It was Mr Hawthorne, the gaffer at my works. "Mike, I've had it done."

You see, poor Martin had just been for a vasectomy and well was seriously feeling the effects whilst talking to me!

Now if you watched Phoenix Nights you'll have seen just what a Burnley Wallet is and I think this as close as it comes!!

I'll see if we can get some comments from the man himself when he recovers.

By the way he was quite open about it and doesn't mind it coming on here for our multi-million readers.

Hey Yogi!!

Yeah, so a bit more news on Groves. The big grizzly is in fact down Liverpool, where Boro got robbed in the last ten minutes.

I'm sure that, given enough pic-a-nic baskets, he can be tempted to write something interesting and witty on what happened.

Wednesday, November 10

Satda Night

So, Satda Night looks ever more precarious as MH receieves the second worst mobile bill ever described in this wonderous tome (the first being KG's all night Matt Lorenzo spectacular).

Well, the other half is deffo going out, so are Pete Tong and The bear going to be at a loose end?

Find out here.

Tuesday, November 9

Missing!!

One bear. Hasn't been seen in about 3 weeks. He's about 300lbs and over 6ft when stood on his hind legs. Not Yogi.

Answers to the following calls:

Chief, Groves and Ow Lardhead!

Some gadge has even wrote a book on it.

If anyone sees him, get him back to the Wallet!!


Monday, November 8

Deadheads in the Boro

Me and Keith went to Boro for a bit of a mega piss-up on Saturday. Here's what happened.

Taxi There

Now this was funny. It was booked for 6pm to take us up to Boro but being majorly efficient these days if a little incovenient they managed to arrive at Groves' house at 5.45pm. I gets a phone call.

"Hean, just getting in the taxi now, are you ready?"

"No mate!"

I obviously thought it was a wind up, I mean how many times have we wound each other up at such at a time.

But I came down stairs and glancing out the window..."Bollocks!! He ain't lying!!"

I still had to get me shoes on, feed the cat and lock the house up. I then gets a text of Mr Groves.

"Chief am outside, I really am not shitting you!"

5 mins later.....

"Away!!! The taxi driver is getting dead impatient!!" (An obvious wind-up)

So I gets in and who was driving the cab? It was the spitting image of Keith from the office!! What was funny right though was he was on speaker phone and at first he was talking to me! Anyhow I'm chatting away to Groves and having a good crack but he said summat and I just laughed, to humour him. But the conversation he was having on the phone sort of matched what he could have said. Especially when he said "You'd be laughing if there was biscuits involved."

At this point I absolutely died of hysterics as Groves was holding back the tears.

Eeeh, and we hadn't even had a drink yet.

To be honest this night was kind of like two nights out in one!

The House

Went in here first cos we thought we could catch the second half of the Arsenal vs Palace game. It was on but we couldn't really see it and then two minutes after we arrived and actually asked the barmaid if the game was on she went put some rap music on at full whack so you couldn't hear the commentary.

We also invented "Snip, Snip, Snip" - the stag do catchphrase. More on this in a future post!

Supping up our pint's of Stella and not being able to see or hear the match we decided the Dickens Inn would be the best option.

The Dickens Inn

Ah.

Seems the remote was locked in the managers room and we're stuck on Sky Sports News.

"Why don't ya break in?" I said to the barman for a cheap laugh. Blimey it was like I told him to shag his dad or something - a murderous look was what I got in return.

"O....kay. Two pints of Carling please."

Anyhow continued the good banter with KG. I can never remember what it's about the next day though. We must talk absolute shite at times.

Went on the old Touch Screen and discovered a new game which is pretty good but I won't give it any more publicity than that cos we'll be playing it every week.

Drinking up and moving on to....

The Star and Garter

Feeling a bit peckish I thought I'd sting Groves as it was his round and get some crisps. What does Groves ask for?

"Can I have a bag of your 'house crisps' please?"

I creased up, the barmaid looked on puzzled.

"Will plain do?"

Had a pint of Carling each I think. KG stuck about £17 into a fruity and won bugger all. He'll tell you different but we all know the truth.

The Southfield

Should I have, shouldn't I have? Well, the answer was yes I did get the Spicey Chicken Crisps and yes they did blow my mind. Groves had just one and nearly died! He said he was going for a piss but I think he was going for some water out of the tap.

I had my regular go of the old Pool Trickshot game. I had £17+ in the jackpot circle at one point and it was mere millimetres away. It's fixed yet so addictive. I had a Smirnoff Ice and KG had a Becks.

Now usually at this point we begin the long trek to Lloyds and get a bit mental in the process. It's the fresh air I think.

Not tonight.

We were on a serious mission and seeing as it was only about 7.30 and we'd caned 4 pubs already we decided to pop into TS1.

TS1

God this pub is "Steve Bull" which is K&H Rhyming Slang for "Very Dull". K&H being Keith and Heaney. Yes, we really are that sad.

Groves won back some cash on the fruity.

Stood next to the fruity in TS1 is a fridge with, oh yes, cakes inside. If I'd been drunker I would have had one but I got the door half way open and my brain said, "This Michael, this is morally wrong." and I quickly closed it again.

Moving on...........

The Blue Lounge

Now in TS1 I saw a work colleague and I think she must have followed us here as I spent a good ten minutes talking about work with her which was, well, beyond depressing. It's a top notch pub this though, bit full with posh oldsters but the decor is spot on. Another bottle each.

2 Zero 2

We don't usually go in here but it was just there and we thought "What the hell!!".

It was worse than TS1 I think and we can't have stayed longer than five minutes before downing bottles and marching out.

The Taxi To Lloyds

What is it with Taxi's and us these days?

This had us in stitches. Okay it's racist but he took it in jest. Thank God.

"How much if I spew in your taxi?"

Now if you read last week's edition of Keith and Mikey Drink Boro Dry you'll know a fellow taxi would have charged £10. Anyway...

"£30."

"£30!!!" Sorry it was more like.....

"Ffirrrrttteeeee f**king poundsa????!"

And then, as Groves so eloquently put it and well here's the racist bit.

"Your brother (oh man) offered us £10 last week!"

Your brother? How did you get away with that?

"No, it £30 if you sick in cab."

"Alright chief, we're only winding ya up! We know its £30 cos ya a.." Yep, you guessed, we love our singing.....

"Pussy, pussy, pussy!!!
You are a f**king pussy!!"

After one verse I got talking to him about The Mighty Boro FC and their exploits.

"Boro fan chief?" the fact he had a Carling Cup Winner's Rosette on his dashboard gave it away like.

"Did you go the final then? Is that where you got ya rosette?"

"No I watch on TV." I swear that's how he spoke. Like Robocop on dope.

So are you watching tomorrow?

"Yes."

"Should be a good game shouldn't it? Remind me who they're playing again."

"I don't know."

Anyway playing to his weaknesses we kind of emphasised that they played Bolton in the Carling Cup Final.

"Any clues about tomorrow yet mate. Your Rosette might help you. They played BOLTON in the final remember."

It was all very subtle.

"No sorry, don't know."

I tell you it was the best taxi conversation I've had with a driver, it was wrong but as mentioned earlier the morals were out the window!

So we pulled back into the main town centre after his totally stupid backwards route and after a good five minutes I noticed the radio was on. Probably cos I stopped talking to him by this point.

Volume up.

Hardcore dancing on!

I nearly broke the poor lads suspension!!

Finally got to Lloyds and bumped into Reggie, fast becoming a familiar face on these nights out. Apparently the 'crew' has just gone round to Huxters. Oh joy. And this is were Part 2 began really.

Huxters

£1.50 a bottle, you can't knock it. All the lunatics were out with Reggie. I'd rather not mention the names for legal reasons!

Placid

Don't like this pub man, it's crap. Think I had a bottle of Smirnoff again! My poor teeth. There a was a funny thing though. Gram who was out, is a bit of a loon and was smacked up to the eyeballs on something was having a fag. He was stood behind Gypo was tapping the ash off the end onto his shaved head.

Barracuda (A good 20 yards plus from Placid and across the road)

I looks across at Gypo in the queue and Jesus!! It's still on there!!

It took an absolute age to get served in here. This Gram fella, in his not so sane state, started chicken dancing amongst the crowded drinkers and yeah, we had to didn't we? We all joined in. A good 20 of us flapping our arms about!! It never sounds as good when I type it but when I do it physically - it gets me laughing!

Aruba

Wahey, free to get in.

In, bottle, drunk very very quickly and out! No messing about in here.

Spensley's Emporium

Fag ash head Gypo managed to knock my bottle out of my hand and got some severe stick of everyone! The deadhead. I really cannot understand a word he says - Groves will agree. I think he was apologising but all I heard was "Mumble mumble, bottle, yeah, mumble."

Again no messing about in here. Well I couldn't really being without drinkage and all.

Vienna

Gypo buys a treble vodka and coke in return like a good man and then lardhead manages to knock half of it down my shirt.

Gilzeans

£2 in?

Yes.

Why?

I don't know.

Again?

Never.

This is a truly dreadful pub and should be closed down.

Walkabout

The best yet! Quite simply the best collection of songs I've heard.

It was if he stopped me in the street one day and said "Michael, what songs would like played back to back for an hour in Walkabout?"

So we got, Madness, The Kinks, The Beatles, Status Quo, The Who a few more I can't recall and Bohemian Rhapsody which every one sung in their best voices. It was a magical moment and capped off the night in true style! Well it would have done but it was only about 12.30.

As Bohemian Rhapsody ended....

"Nothing really matters........to meee!!! Anywhere the wind blows.."

And then he just set the crowd alight with.........

"Der, duhn, duhn!"

The quality of Baggy Trousers.

During Baggy Trousers me and Groves grabbed about eight people in a jumping hoop, all linking arms and nearly took half the dancefloor out! Great fun.

But, once he'd played all the best songs in his collection he proceeded to play absolute garbage. Groves was dying after all the leaping about and drinking so much lager so he left. Half hour later I had enough and buggered off as well.

I rings Groves up. "Where are ya?"

"Outside Empire chief!"

Nice one! I thought I could sting him out of a taxi as well. So I gets to the bus stop and there was some old geezer giving us a bit of lip. So I gave him a load of shit back which he didn't like but, being too pissed to care, I kept winding him up. Now I never once thought I could wind someone up so much by chanting "USA!! USA!!" at someone. He comes and says: -

"Looka son, I'm gonna take you out!" He must have been about 5' 7" and 7 and a 1/2 stone, glasses and a moustache. I'm 6' 2", 19 stone and a psycopath.

I said, "Where, a f*cking restaurant?!" My Peter Kay was coming out here.

I gave him a few chants of "Jerry, Jerry." (Where they came from I don't know!)

And he said, in a truly genius moment that I will never forget...

"I ain't no Nazi me!!"

Superb.

Taxi Home

After me fun with the deadhead I jumped in and ten minutes later I had to jump out. I couldn't hold on to excess amounts of booze that had passed my throat and well jumping out managed to throw it all over someone's hedge.

Walk Home

I then had to walk home, being rung up every five minutes by KG who asks "Where are ya chief?"

"Ten yards further than when you last rang ya bastard!!"

"Ten yards? That was 15 minutes ago!"

"I know, it's cos am wrecked."

Got in the door at about 1.40ish.

And that my friends and readers was a well and truly top class night out. 15 pubs in all and some manic memorable moments. I'm going to give it 9 out of 10.

Saturday, November 6

1700

Took a while but we have surpassed the 1700 unique hits mark today! Well done chiefs and thanks to all the readers who have stumbled across our superb site.

Religion is Bad

As this dude finds out, Lions aren't for pissing about with.

He was apparently trying to convert them to Christianity. The deadhead.

Bonfire Night Competition

And the winner of the £100 goes to, it's a close one (seeing as only two of us could be bothered).

Drum roll please.

Mikey!!

Yes I'm giving myself the £100 for my near death experience with a catherine wheel.

Peter, you will receive half a shelf made from quality mahogany wood in the post soon.

More competitions soon!!!!

Friday, November 5

Don't play this one at Work!

Hehehe, a little bit adult!

The Orgasmic Calculator

Ouch!

Had to share this with you. I'm sure you've probably seen it before but it's worth it!

Kickboxing!!

What I Did On My Week Off

The life of a lonely professional on his week off: -

Monday: Raked the leaves in the garden.

Tuesday: I really can't remember doing anything at all of any use what so ever.

Wednesday: Moved a load of furniture about the house so a carpet could be fitted. Watched Man U spank Sparta Prague.

Thursday: Went to Middlesbrough shopping, got bored very quickly but bought Big Train and laughed ever since. It's the funniest thing I've seen. You really should buy it asap. Also, have you been to Boots in Middlesbrough lately? It's grown! I didn't know what was going at first and thought I'd walked through a stock room door or something. It's still shit though.

Also watched The Mighty Boro kick Lazio's arse in the UEFA Cup.

Friday: Went for a hair cut at Anths in Eston. £5, you can't beat that price. Went to Asda as well, bought Little Britain Series 1 but haven't started watching it. And also, believe it or not I actually went to South Bank market and feel guilty for turning my back on Doggy Market.

Tomorrow: Think I'm going for a few bevvies up Middlesbrough with KG.

Sunday: Bracing myself for the return to work.

BW Weekly challenge

Choose from:

1: Creating a new "Middlesbrough-only super food". To rival the parmo.

2: Spread the wallet word using posters and digi cameras.

3: Recreate a famous film scene using only props that are to hand and only photos.

So walleteers, you decide! We'll see which has got the one vote next Friday and do it next weekend.

Bonfire night

Let's not forget the real reason for bonfire night.

It's so the governemnt can secretly keep the population down and murder the stupid people of this world legally.

That's evolution that is.

Bored.....

Firework disaster

My favourite firwork moment was last year, when Jo's dad, instead of planting the explosive in the nice, soft, unyielding soil of the garden decided to place the weapon on the top of garage. (It was at a lower level than us you see, we were up the top of the steeply sloping garden, looking down at the "spectacular").

Anyhow. it only fell over didn't it. and spilt its hot explosive sparky load all over the assembled.

Luckily, only one of the small children recieved slight burnage. As did my coat, which still smells of burny chemicals now. Ahh, how we laughed. Nervously.

Lads night out

The lads night out has had to be officially postponed, due to me having a nasty dose of tonsillitis. Again.

So, all being well, we will try and partake on the 13th of November. Christ knows where though.......

Thursday, November 4

Find Hitler

Find Hitler in various pictures - it doesn't scream, honest. Find the Fuhrer here.

Wednesday, November 3

Fireworks Stuff

Create Your Own Show!!

Rocket Mania - Puzzle Game

Crayola - Just fill the timeline with Fireworks - Great Fun!!

Have a Firework Display On Your Own Pictures! - Upload them and get clicking.

How do they work?

The History Behind Bonfire Night


Top Notch Mouse Game

With the best game music ever!

Avoid the various weapons and collect the cheese in this top game.

Tuesday, November 2

I'm Off Work This Week

And I'm completely bored out of my skull.

Monday, November 1

Bonfire Night Competition

New Competition!!

We are looking for your real life firework and bonfire incidents of hilarity. The best/funniest entry will receive £100!!! All runners up/entries will receive a piece of wood for their bonfire!!

To start us off a few years back I was at Reggie's house for their firework party and well how the 20 or so of us who were there are still here is beyond me!

Reggie's dad, obviously lacking in experience with the old gunpowder treats, managed to let everyone of them go out of control, including a rocket that hit the back fence and several which didn't take off and just blew up in the ground. Finally and most dangerously, there was a catherine wheel which span round its nail three times before falling off, wheeling its way around the patio and sending the masses scattering.

Great fun!! Ask Pete, he was there (and I've possibly stolen his story).

So, please leave your entries in the comments section. Maybe you lost a hand or a finger, a sparkler fell onto your coat or you tripped into the bonfire. Tell us now!!

Halloween Competition

Thank you all for your entries, well me and Pete anyway.

And the winner of the £100 grand prize is....

Drumroll please.

Peter!!! With this entry was it treally going to be anyone else?

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