Sunday, October 31

Groves Update

Seems Keith is having trouble with his Ghost costume!

Mikey's Halloween Entry

This + This = This

Okay, okay, I'm never going to beat Pete's Pumpkin.

Winning Halloween Entry.

Cheers, you know where to send the money.

Uh, Butt Plugs?

Had a trip down memory lane and visited the original Burnley Wallet aka Heaney's Ramblings and came across this absolute gem.

Butt plugs?

My Bit for the WWF

No!! I didn't Rock Bottom some jabroni out in the street!

I've found a newt in the back garden whilst doing some, well, gardening. Asked next door if it was there's as they seem to have a bit of an animal fetish and they did of course say "Yep, ours, been looking for that. Little blighter!"

Lads Night Out!!

Lads, chiefs and dudes everywhere, the BW crew will be having one it's rare lad's nights out this coming Saturday 6th November!!! They're always brilliant and we haven't had a proper one for months.

The BW is asking you, the reader, for votes on where to go! Middlesbrough is definitiely off the cards. So that leaves Yarm, Hartlepool, Stockton or Redcar.

Vote now!!

I vote Redcar just for the lap dancing.

Halloween Competition - Today Only!

Uuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhhhh, aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh, nggggggggghhhhhhhh.

And that was me just when I woke up.

It's Halloween folks.

IT'S COMPETITION TIME!

The guys at the BW Office will be giving out imaginary sweets to every visitor to the site today who leaves a comment, and the overall best costume idea will receive the grand prize of £100.

Please leave a comment on this post of what your costume looks like and the winner will be announced tomorrow!!

An Explanation

Explanation for you all, seeing as I'm getting a load of grief....

To not go to Vienna which had a norml sized queue, which it always has and would have taken 10 or so minutes to go down and to then decide to go to The Crown (which in my opinion is nowhere near as good as Vienna) which is a 20 minute walk away is just like the stupidest thing ever!! Plus I'd met this bird in Fresco who asked that I come to Chicago so didn't want to miss out on the, ahem, 'opportunity' and therefore, as you would, went off on my own.

Happy now? Jeez! You can't do anything for yourself these days.

Honestly, it's like drinking in Nazi Germany!

So Groves......where did your adventures take you?

Mikey's Night Out

Groves Dad picked us up for yet another weekly visit to Middlesbrough! Whilst waiting for him to arrive a class thing happened. This granny on a three wheeler electric mobile-doofer is tear arsing it down the road and this Vectra comes hurtling round the roundabout, doesn't see Supergran till the last second and goes skidding across the road!

Whilst sat in the car on the way I checked my pocket for my wallet and at first I thought I'd forgot it! It brought back an amusing memoir from Redcar last year. Got all the way to the Plimsoll Line, went to pay the taxi driver and you've guessed it - no wallet!

So, I had to get back in the taxi, go all the way home, get my wallet, get back in the taxi and go all the way back to Redcar! £20 and a valuable lesson learnt.

The Hogshead

F**king Word-Up? Why! It's 6.10pm and we're playing Word-Up. I honestly could cry sometimes.

Had a pint in here and asserted my authority.

"Groves, basically, The Hogs is crap."

So we went after the one Stella and moved on to Blue, which is just round the corner from the Hogs.

Blue

This pub is so London. You can almost see the cocaine smears on the glass tables and Adrian Mutu sat in the corner.

Had a Corona and lime in here and recounted some of the more memorable moments of nights out.

Blue Lounge

This is the posh gaffe on Linthorpe Road and very smart it is. Grabbed a pint in here and had the good old conversation of "who was hardest at school?" and no, it didn't come to a satisfactory conclusion.

The House

Everyone in Halloween fancy dress behind the bar was pretty funny. Mind you, there was fancy dress all over the place last night. Grabbed a quick bottle each in here.

Dickens Inn

I think I had a Smirnoff Ice in here, can't have been in long.

Star and Garter

"A Reef!"

Something possessed him to get us one each at this early stage. But it was quite refreshing. We were going at some pace last night.

The Southfield

The obligatory pool, DVRB and crisps combo were in use of course. Started to feel seriously ill in here so went for a sit outside. Think I ate me crisps too fast!

Taxi to Lloyds

Genius this man, feeling sick as a dog I asked,

"How much if we spew in ya car?"

"£10"

"£10!!!! F*ck it, It'll be worth it to stop holding it in."

I didn't spew but we ended up breaking into song....

Pussy, pussy, pussy
You are a f*cking pussy!
My spews on the brink
It's a tenner I think
You are a f*cking pussy!

(Not the exact words but along those lines).

What made it funny was how much the driver was laughing. It creases me when I think of it!

Lloyds

"4 deep at the bar, lets go to Yates."

Yates

I remember going in, don't remember what happened.

Flares

Went through to the new 80's bar, which used to be half of Flares...

Reflex

Couldn't get served so went back in...

Flares

Couldn't get served in here neither so we went.

Aruba

Met up with Rob Rushby and the rest of them - Carl, Ste, Kempy, Ratman and Tucky. Had a couple of bottles in here.

Bar Fresco

Boro's Super Stuart Downing was in here getting absolutely leathered and mobbed. Had a bottle of ?? I can't remember.

Now once finished there was a mega debate over where to go. Vienna was the obvious choice - it's just over the road, £3 for a treble and it's class - or even one of the scutty pubs, The Zetland or The Bedroom.

No.

Let's go to the Crown.

Because there's lesbians in there. HLA (Hot Lesbian Action as they put it.)

I have never heard anything more ludicrous in my life. Get a grip lads - you're over 14 now you know.

Standing up for myself, I wasn't wasting my night out in The Crown (it's near the bottom of the bad pubs in Middlesbrough and was a good fifteen to twenty mintue walk from where we were) so I went to Walkabout on me own.

Walkabout

Mental in here, requesting mad stuff off the DJ and he was putting it on!! Including My Generation, Lust for Life and Smoke on the Water of all things! Some dodgy dancing from myself with the lovely ladies, I was in my element. Think I had a couple of Reefs and then got bored with it so went to....

Chicago Rock Cafe

Was in the queue with some deadhead who wouldn't stop talking to me, he must have been about 50 year old and the most boring bloke in Middlesbrough. Leave us alone dude.

Rang Groves who was on his way to Hush (I thought about going but was on a promise from earlier on in Fresco which is also why I didn't go to the Crown) and made the agreement that we would ring each other when going home to share the taxi price.

It was worth a fiver just to hear the song that is played on Virgin Radio on a morning on the way to work. Only Groves will know the one I mean but it is the song, that if played in a nightclub just sends them mental. And it did!!

It was seriously bad in here. Don't let me go in again.

I really shouldn't have bothered and by this time I was staggering about like an alcoholic (no snide remarks please). It was full of Boro meatheads and 40 - 50 year old mingers.

When the DJ took us past the 1.00am mark and told us we had two hours left (because of the clocks going back) I decided enough was enough and made my merry way home.

Must have called KG about 8 times and got no answer so the money was coming out for the Joe Baxi.

Got quoted £10 and said "No, dick, use the meter thats what its there for." He was a right grumpy bastard the driver so I didn't speak all the way home and he think he thought I was going to kill him or something. So we rolled up to our place and the meter read, oh look, £6.90.

Had a proper go at the driver for offering £10, the conning little shit.

So feeling satisifed I'd gone the whole mile on my weekly night out I went to bed and passed out.
I feel like a freshly demolished building this morning. In bits.

Would have been so much better if we'd gone to Vienna but it was apretty good night out. I'll give it 8 out of 10.

Saturday, October 30

For Satda Night.

Wednesday, October 27

Top Marks

I had to 'personally' thank Frances for signing the guestbook. Ay, wink, wink, say no more eh?

QPR Jon

Ta muchly for the guestbook signature!

In reply: -

The girl in question is one Nathan Paylor, a Stockton lad who likes God quite a bit well quite a chuffing lot to be honest!

Here's his site. Read it if you dare.

My comment in full: -

Get a grip man, go and get drunk and have casual sex and stop being such a dick. Did you actually enjoy typing any of that? Did I stop reading after the third sentence? Yes. Did I comment on this just to annoy you. Yes. I thank you.

I don't know why he found it so abusive.

It's more good advice than anything.

As for the VD Clinic thing, I think Pete has deleted it.

Some Hot Muff

Well, the BW had to go this way eventually didn't it? Here's something to get the juices going.

Doggy Market Continued

True story this, went to Doggy Market once on a drizzly November day for some forgotten reason and after the 20 minute walk to get there I fancied a spot of lunch with it being my lunch hour.

So I spies a hot dog stand and thought ah yes, a hot dog, a lovely lunch time snack. I expected this. What I got however was a stale bread bun with a hot dog that you would find in a tin from Scandinavian supermarket Netto. It means Value apparently.

"£1.50 please." Which apparently is Middlesbrian for Extortianate.

Doggy Market - be warned!!!


Tuesday, October 26

The Mighty Boro

Open for business today - The Burnley Wallet Boro Blog - everything Middlesbrough FC related is here.

Now as little competition, we are looking for a new name!

To encourage your ideas we are offering a half eaten bag of McCoys Thai Sweet Chicken crisps to the best suggestion.

Basically the name The Mighty Boro is well, Mighty Cack to be honest.

BUT!

It must have Boro in the title.

Check out The Mighty Boro now!!

Please, please, please leave your suggestions - the more the better!!!

My Mam went to Florida........

And all she brought me back was some British aftershave.

I would have preferred this.

Wonder if they sell Parmo's....................?

Doggy Market

It has become something of a funny thing to mention when me and Keith drive past on the way to work on a Tuesday.

North Ormesby holds it's weekly market, nicknamed Doggy Market (there is a reason but I've forgotten!).

A typical Tuesday morning convo:

K: "Hean, ya'll never guess what!"

M: "What?"

K: "Doggy market today man!!"

M: "Ya joking! Are you going?"

K: "Yeah man, get some clothes pegs and sweets off the pound store."

M: "I'm there!!!!!"

It's so stupid, it's genius.

Presents

Big thanks for all the presents me Ma and Pa got off everyone, it was very heart warming. Congrats to the two of them on their Pearl Anniversary!!

Speaking of presents, Groves got from Florida: -

A Blue Nike Polo T Shirt
A Blue and Red Reebok, hooded top
A 30ml bottle of Paul Smith original aftershave.

Now forgive me if I'm wrong but they're not very Florida-ish are they?

I'd have much preffered something a lot more relating to the culture like half a shed or a mangled lampost.

No offence chief, ya smell great and you look very athletic! Even if they were bought from Doggy Market!

Congrats

Happy Anniversary to mine and Mikeys ma and pa for 30 years of wedded "bliss".

Here's to many more years.

Monday, October 25

Monday night

So Chrimbo draws ever nearer.

The nights close in. Steel River Geordie Knob Jockey Blues has finished it's scintillating run on ITV. The football season seems old hat. Too cold outside to do owt. Too warm inside to do owt. Tried to escape to beer, only to find the cold kept me sober.

Even the wallet is feeling the effect of these October Blues.

So now, we will think of three ideas each Thursday. Mike and KG will e-mail them to me and I'll post them. Then we'll do one and put the results on here, for the world to see.

I think we should dress up as the devil and go and knock on Nathan Paylor's door.

And then go on the piss with Gambling Joey, in a sort of blog based "live-aid" thingy. Without the shit bands and shocking acoustics.

Get well soon.....

All round BW super-mega-hyper fan and general big nosed geezer Stevie Murks has unfortunately broken a bone in his leg, possibly his fibula, not his Primula which is of course cheese based spread stuff.

So get well soon fella, from all at the Wallet.

Guestbook madness

Our under-used, over-advertised guestbook has been abused.

Some "mo fo" has put a link to a sexually transmitted infection-slash-dating site. An odd combination if ever there was one.

Apparently though, we can join this site and go into their forums and/or chat room thingy. So lets go.

Results here when available.

Sunday, October 24

Reason for shit weekend?

As I should have pointed out in my previous post, the reason for my shit weekend was lack of Tatey!

Mikey offered to borrow us 20 sniffs to tempt us out on Friday night, but I declined.

Roll on next weekend!

Mr and Mrs G home from USA.

Our Ma and Pa returned from Florida on friday, laced with prezzies for us, which included.

  • A Blue Nike Polo T Shirt
  • A Blue and Red Reebok, hooded top
  • A 30ml bottle of Paul Smith original aftershave.

Spot on a tell thee!

They had a class time, and really enjoyed it, no hurricanes aswell, which was a bonus!

Pete and Jo's Big Weekend Away

So we return from the wilderness of Amesbury.

Pretty good actually, caught up with long lost rellies, plenty of beer, nice simple runs there and back, nice hotel. All round mighty fine. Apart from my car immobiliser dying before we set off home, only to be rescued by my hero of a cousin, who used to work for Renault themselves apparently. Star.

So now we're back. And back to work tomorrow.

Grrr.

What a weekend

NOT!!!!

I have to say it has been the worst weekend of the year, so far!

I was off work on Friday, as our mam and dad came home from America.

Did fuck all on Friday except stand in the pissing down rain for well over an hour queing for Boro V Lazio tickets. I then stayed in Friday night, after running various people, including Mikey to various pubs across the region.

Saturday, with Boro not playing, its even worse. On Satda night went down me cousins with our Chris and played table tennis, til about 10.30pm. Wasn't too bad actually.

Sunday, I went to the Boro match, which is always a good thing to look forward to. My first drink of the weekend came at the match, a pint of dish water at £2.60, what a rip off and what a shit weekend.

The sheer lack of alcohol in my body, has caused me to have the shakes, and I cant sleep at night!

Bring on next weekend, when I will take binge drinking to places its never been before!

Works Night Out

Just a quick run down of my Friday night out with Work....

People Out:

Me, Matthew (BW Superfan), Colin, Tanya, Emma, Kim, Geri, Andrew and his son Sean (who both left after TS1). Appalling turn out I tell thee! Although it is the last weekend before payday and if certain people don't go then that means other people won't. You know "If Jack's not going then I'm not going." Bunch of deadheads the lot of 'em!

TS1

Pretty lame, it's crap in this pub. I'm never going here out of choice again.

Blue Lounge

Awesome pub this, first time I've been in, must start going every week. Very good design and top notch cocktails. I stuck with a pint though with a bit of lime to fit in with everyone. This could be the place to start off now lads.

Lloyds

Had a Pina Colada in here, lovely it was to. Had a sip of Green Nephew and it was rank. Tanya finished mine although everyone had a smell and a taste and agreed it was the worst drink known to mankind.

Hogs (Hallelujah!!)

The Hogs was well and truly dead!!!

"Can I have 20 shots please?"

Is it even legal to sell someone that amount of alcohol?

Anyway, he did and I had 5, Matthew had 6, Kim, Emma and Geri had three each.

Flares

A Funky Lips (I think? Some stupid name.) cocktail in here was the biggest rip off I've seen. A tiny plastic cup half full with vile shit. £3 fucking 50!!

One good thing though was acquiring an umbrella that had been left on the bar and the barman was carrying round. "That's mine that mate." And he gave me it! Lardhead.

I think the umbrella could become winter's fashion statement. Saw quite a lot about and it gives you a certain gentlemanly status when the carrying it with/for the ladies.

You can, of course, also have sword fights with them.

Blue (Not the same as the other one, this one is next door to Walkabout).

Very smart and modern in here if a litle empty. Had a good crack in here. A good place for a breather before a good old 'ho-down' in Walkabout.

Walkabout

Eeeh, never seen country dancing in a pub until now - the full on making a tunnel with you arms and running through about 20 students who probably all thought they'd taken over the place not until I satrted digging the elbows in on my turn through the tunnel. Tax dodgers. Dosey-doe as well, spot on - throwing them about! Had a couple of Reefs in here. Band was pretty good, different to the usual Bryan Adams and Guns and Roses stuff - lots of funky type tunes with good keyboard use.

Then got in and spent two hours chasing the dog around trying to get him to go to bed. Not good when the room is spinning round faster than he is.

Didn't spew!!! But looking back I barely had owt to drink really. 4 pints, Pina Colada, sip of Green Nephew, 5 shots, Funky Lips, Double Vodka Red Bull and Two bottles of Reef. Probably double that with the Grooves meister.

Chief are we out this coming weekend?

Wednesday, October 20

Unenviable

This weekend I have to look after the demonic Zack. Zack being Peter and Jo's pet staffy with enough energy to power a third world country.

Oh joy!

Pierre and Jo are off to Salisbury (Stonehenge country) with my parents to go to a wedding of a cousin of mine and Pete's.

I will post a message when I strangle him. "Little blighter."

Unlucky C...

Some people don't half have some bad luck. Marty my boss at work, recently told me the story of how his opposite number at another local RSL is the mother of Bryan Adams Personal Assistant.

So knowing how much of a rocker Martin is she asks if he wants two VIP backstage passes for him and the missus to meet Bry at his next gig in Newcastle, including a meeting with the Canadian rocker and a stageside view of the concert.

Martin checks his diary.

Shit!

He's got a gig with the lads, The Directors (red shirted one) are playing at a private wedding and Martin has to do the honourable thing and turn Mr. Adams down.

I suggested he invite him to a Directors gig.

Tuesday, October 19

Lucky C...

I get's back from lunch today and I'm sat at my desk getting on with my work when an e-mail, sent to all staff arrives.

"A set of car keys have been handed in for a Fiat car."

"Hmm." I thinks, I have a Fiat, I'll go and check my coat pocket - surely it can't be me.

I gets to my coat and, uh, where the fook?!

So I walks down to reception and indeed they were mine. They found outside the office.

How lucky is that?!

Monday, October 18

Toogle

This is superb!!! I put 'tits' in and it worked! Amazing.

The Night Out - A Day Late!

Now the reasons it's a day late were the over abundance of bile spewing forth from my mouth on Sunday morning, the raging headache and the consistent laughing at just how drunk Keith was.

The Prank Calls - 6.27pm

"Keith?"

"Yeah."

"I'm not going."

"Uh....why?"

"Gastroenteritis."

Much laughter. Every weekend it's the same, one of us isn't going out and the excuses are getting much worse. The call usually comes about three minutes before the taxi arrives.

Rang BW Superfan Matthew and gave him a load of shit - quite literally cos I was having a dump at the time. At first I pretended to be from Egg Bank wanting confirmation of his details but he never fell for it.

The Taxi - 6.30pm

Much laughter in here reciting prank calls, although I have never seen a car steam up as quick, the poor driver couldn't see half the time! £7.50 later and we were in the temple.

The Hogshead (+) 6.45pm

"Fruity Hean?"

"Yeah go on then, see if you can win me some tatey." (Can someone explain why tatey means money?)

And fuck me - he won us £10!!

I ended up getting some crisps cos I was starving and we ended up talking about the 'mega dinner' Keith once managed at college.

It consisted of (over about 2 hours):

A can of coke, a bag of Space Raiders, a chip butty, a battered sausage, a bottle of coke, a bag of 'Big Eat' Screamin' Salt and Vinegar crisps, a King Size Snickers, a jam doughnut and then another chip butty from a different chippy just to test them out.

I was absolutely creased. And he wonders how he got fat. We both had an almighty three pints of Stella in here and I was well on my way just off them - it's rocket fuel man!!

"Moving on up, moving on out, time to break free, nothing can stop me!" has become the catchphrase for drinking and moving out time. So, hopping in a taxi we were swiftly on our way to.....

The Dickens Inn (We've rechristened it Darles Chickens - you're right, our nights out basically consist of inventing the most ridiculous terms and phrases for things known to mankind.) 7.45pm

Had a quick pint in here but we were reciting Blackpool memories and were both in stitches. Can't have been in here more than 30 mins before we moved to the....

The Star and Garter (Re-christened The Gar and Starter) 8.20pm

Some seriously dodgy loud singing in here from both of us, now well on our way. Another pint each in here, not a bad pub this to be honest.


The Southfield (Not re-christened - or was it? Can't recall. The Fouthsealed maybe) 8.45pm

"Oooh, a bag of Thai Chicken McCoy's crisps please."

"We have none."

"Ya joking!! Just whatevers there. Steak?"

"Yeah."

It was, quite frankly a major error - you'll learn why later. But I was in my element - pint in one hand, crisps in another and playing the pool trickshot game - it's the most addictive thing anywhere. I think I poured my tenner winnings from the Hogs in and got a £1 back - the best I have ever done!!! On one game though I thought the machine was bust, it was moving the ball forward just a tiny amount at a time.

"What's going on?" I thought to myself.

A few goes later and I looks down - lardhead Groves with his hand on the other button!!!

Went for a slash and came back to find KG playing Word-Up.

May I officially proclaim Word-Up banned for all Walleteers.

It's impossible to win money from it and how many times can you enter 'cock' 'sex' and 'jizz' as words?

The music is top notch in this pub by the way.

So drinking up and out the door - Groves tends to get very athletic around this point. Last week I failed to mention that he hurdled three fences without splitting his head open. This week he managed to leap onto a picnic table and "Bust a Move" like only a true Grizzly can. He was cheered on by passers by.

"Don't encourage him!!!" I cried.

But, sadly he was off and had hurdled three fences, flagged a taxi, negotiated a fare and we were off to....

Lloyds Have You Got Resolution? Cos We Most Certainly Have Bar. 9.30pm

"Can I have two pints of Vodka Red Bull please?" cries Keith.

Just the thought had my McCoy's leaping from their semi-digested state and I was faster to the toilets than you can say "I thought they'd run out of Thai Chicken ones!"

Man I hurled bad! Just what the doctor ordered. The Romans used to do it you know, to fit more alcohol in.

I could not drink my pint of VRB but was forced to by KG who had payed for them. I somehow managed to down about a third of it and we stumbled round to.....

Yates. 10.00pm

I think we did this in record time. We weren't even going to bother but my Spidey senses caught wind of several tasty birds gyrating with each other on the dance floor and suddenly Yates became the best pub we'd been in. It being us though, by the time we'd got served and turned round to watch the show they'd fucked off.

Less than three minutes and a bottle of Reef later we were off for what has now been called "Giving Thanks to God." Where else but...

The Hogs (+) 10.05pm

"10 shots please!".....why do I always say that so nervously?

Three shots in and Grovesy spewed. In the disabled toilets as well! I sank all mine without fail. Grovesy impressed me though and came back and finshed his off like a true drinking champion.

Can't have been in here very long before moving to...

Vienna - 10.30pm

There was a mega queue for this place but it was worth it. I turned the charm on with the ladies in front and Groves swiftly pitched in - no calss that lad.

Lad behind us looked close to dying! He managed to spew about three times in the queue. THis gadge (Boro slang for a bloke.) jumped the queue and no word of a lie he had a chain round his neck that looked like he had gotten all of Mr T's gold melted down and then made just one single chain out of it!

£2 later and we were in. Now this is the place to have a singalong. After getting served I'm positive "Que Sera! Que Sera!" came on. Madness definitely did!

So after 6 pints, a pint of vodka red bull, a Reef and 5 shots of lethal shit what did we decide to have?

A soft drink?

Some water?

No!

"Two treble vodka and cokes please!!"

"Each."

Jesus H. we were truly living it up tonight. Had a good old sing song in here. If I remember rightly, in the toilets I went in a cubicle and the whole bottom half of the dividing wall had been kicked through! Posh place this Middlesbrough you know.

Really did lose track of time and memory in here as six shots of Vodka might well do.

We left there and walked across to...

The Cornerhouse - approx 11.15pm

Doorwoman to Groves: "Sorry son, too casual."

Groves to doorman: "Uh?!"

Me: "HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!"

Groves had a major strop and decided that getting a treble ratburger from the van outside Flares would cheer him up. When we gets to the van who serves us?

That's right, a man wearing a realistic plastic white wolf's mask. (Bit like this but White)

What does Groves do?

Tickles his nose. GENIUS!!!!

Walkabout - 11.45pm

Got in here and bought a pint for some unexplainable reason. I can't really remember much of what went on. There was a load of chiefs who went to Blackpool with Groves - Gypo, Ste, Reggie, Rob etc but they were all sober (except Ste - of course!) as they were with their birds so they weren't up for much fooling about! I think we were both dead by now to do anything of any interest. Walkabout is banned from being the finishing spot from now on unless it's Friday.

Taxi Home - 1.15am

Now this is were I just died laughing. About three quarters of the way round a round about, Keith manages to fall off his chair (it was on of those taxis with the flip down chair that faces the rear passengers). Instead of getting back up on his chair he looks up at me, looks about and takes in what just happened and then just giggles!! He then gets back up and manges to miss the chair and only lands half his arse on it and falls off again. This time he admits defeat and stays down. I'm dying with laughter and he's just dying of pain.

About half way home I asked Keith for some taxi money.

"Oh, here ya are Hean, £10 should see it, just sort us out in the morning with change."

As we pulled over into Keith's drive I asked him for some taxi money.

"Oh, here ya are Hean, £10 should see it, just sort us out in the morning with change."

Taxi driver and myself crease up! Groves is oblivious. He then gets out of the taxi and proceeds to try and shut the door using the plastic hand rail you hang on to whilst the cars in motion.

"The doors broke chief!"

I sets off and leaves him to stagger in. I'm £20 better off and in stitches and then my phone goes off.

"Heaney, you got my house key?"

"No, it'll be in ya pocket."

"It's not, ya've fucking nicked haven't ya?"

"I swear I haven't got it."

I hung up, paid the driver and gets out. Half way down the path the phone goes again."

"Can't get me key in the hole."

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHHA!!!!"

"I'm serious chief, can't get me key in the hole. I'm sleeping out the back."

I hangs up. Gets in, gets ready for bed. I had the curious thought of how it was possible for Groves to find out his phone, pick me from his contacts and ring me but couldn't open the door!

Phone rings.

"What the fuck am I doing in the passage?"

Apparently as Keith was locking the door, he managed to fall asleep, face first on it, wake up five minutes later and then ring me!!

Nights out eh? They are awesome. Excessive is a good word to sum this one up. The mental image of Groves trying to close the door using the handrail still cracks me up.

I'll give it 9 out of 10. Cracking night out. Didn't half feel the consequences though!!

More moving pictures:

So have this:



These bloody new fangled games. Too clever for my generation.

That Christopher Reeve/eBay gag

I heard this joke 4 times at work today from different sources.

Nice to see Mikey keeping the wallet at the forefront of comedy again.

Sunday, October 17

Brings a tear to the eye...

You cant beat it!!

Friday, October 15

Erm....

A tough, tough week at the rat race, thank god the BW Staffing Policy says "work when you can be arsed".

What have the Walletters been up to? I can't vouch for the other to but I've been psyching myself up for Christmas. It's not long you know. A mere....71 days to go. Have you put your decs up?

Then my mind wandered onto what to get people for Christmas, please can I see some wishlists on here. You all think I'm wadded so keep it sensible eh.

So are we out tomorrow then for some tomfoolery and to let off a bit of steam generated by the kettle that is work.

Does this bring back happy memoirs Keith? It was of course a Marks and Spencer trolley we used during our moment of madness.

Hopefully those happy times will be with us once again tomorrow night.

If you haven't seen the BW Premiership Site lads, we need transfers to Pierre by 12.45pm tomorrow, the offical Sun deadline. Get your transfers done here.

Me and Pierre will be having wedding suits fitted tomorrow, barring any disasters such as the tailors not having tape measures large enough.

And that my friends is about it from tonight. I'll go and see if I can find some games for you to play on at work (Claire).

Anyway,

Two monkeys sitting in the bath and one says, "OOOH OOOH OOOH AAAH AAAH AAAH"

And the other one says, "well run some more cold in then."

And there ya have it a good old fashioned blog from Mikey. I thank you.

Hits

1500!!!!!

Well done lads!! Thank you Readers. Here's to another 1500.

Thursday, October 14

Kill the Pop Ups.

Kill the pop ups, kill the pop ups, kill the pop ups!!

You'll understand after you play this.

Wednesday, October 13

Text

So maybe it was bad taste. But this morning I received a text to lighten my mood.

"Found a corker of a bargain on E-Bay!! £10 for a wheelchair and a red cape."

What Happens this Weekend?

Anyone? I know me and Pete have some wedding stuff to do - including the stag do!!

But what about alcohol and insanity?

Are you up for another run in the series Mr Groves? Or are we going to, much like Eastenders have a one-off in a different location? Or indeed, much like Eastenders, is that being saved for Christmas?

I just can't be staying in this weekend. I have a large amount of steam to let off after a bit of a mad week at the rat-race.

Any ideas anyone?

Catch 33

Catch the numbers in order, great fun. Ave it.

Arty

This is rather clever, just keeps on going till you get back to the start and then keeps on going, it's mad!

Press the 'up' or 'down' arrows to go into the picture or come out of the picture.

Strange. Here.

Tuesday, October 12

Ken Bigley B-Word viedo.

I couldn't help myself last night, I just had to watch the video, I didn't want to but something was telling me to watch it.

The good thing about it, if there is a good thing about being be-headed is that its no where near as bad as the American one, me and Mikey watched before.

Out of respect, and forgetting where I watched it, I won't be linking to it.

R.I.P

Ken.

Have we surpassed the 500th blog yet?

Now if my calcualtions are correct, we should have sailed by the 500th blog by now because when I blogged last night, it said we had already had 497 blogs. Now I blogged, then Mikey has blogged 4 times today, thus in total taking our tally to a whooping 502 blogs.

Well done everyone!

An Article for Joey

So what is the fascination with the b-word video's and what was it that made us watch? The BBC has a go at explaining it for us. Here.

Superman

Legendary actor Christopher Reeve has sadly died.

Superman - you were an inspiration to all.

Apparently, there were traces of kryptonite in his paralysis tablets.

Mortal

Now I know KG hates me for tearing his blogs apart but this one word really gets to me.

"I was mortal."

Is it Mortal or is in fact Mortalled?

This site seems to think so.

But this one has it down as Mortal Drunk (used in Newcastle)

I personally think it's mortalled but I'm doubting myself now.

What do the BW readers think? Let us know.

Kinky

Now the last place I would ever imagine I would be wearing a blindfold and guessing what was in my hands would be at a minute taking training course but that is exactly what happened.

Yes, I was learning how to take minutes and do meetings at work on a course down in York. The faciltator was well, basically, a bit kinky.

First off he was camp as owt. Then the blindfold game mentioned above, various comments about looking up skirts and then having a game called Funky Fruits.

Monday, October 11

How is KG coping on his lonesome??

You may ask youreselves, as your no doubt aware, me family are in the sunny U S of A.

They aint rang yet, but they should have got there ok, I hope!!!

I got a phone call on Sunday morning, it actually woke me, from one of me Mam's friends, "Can you call your mam on this number?"

"OK" I responded.

Fuck me, my finger was aching after typeing in 16 digits, only for it not to work. Damn Yanks!

Oh well, me mam knows my number if she wants to ring us!

Saturday night, has been and gone, I see Peter stayed in again!

Not to happy with all this dissing of the Boro's night life. You gotta make the most outta what you have, and this is what we have, deal with it.

Satda night I was Mortal, you would think I'd of had enough of getting dangerously drunk, and making a fool of me self. But I don't. I LOVE IT!!!

How hard is it trying to look after yourself? I mean washing your own clothes, not just washing them but having to separate them into Colours and Whites, then having to transport them to the tumble drier. Another thing cooking, whats all that about?? How does our mam cope? Don't even get us started on Washing up, I suppose I shouldn't have left Thursday's dishes til Monday night should I?

Anyhow, one of me fave telly shows at the moment is on tonight. Early doors with Craig Cash, check it out here. Early doors.

Is football on tomorrow night Pete, if so let us know what time and I'll pop down. Could do with a laff!

Come Together

If you liked Tomorrow Never Knows, someone had a go at one for Come Together which is also pretty good. Watch it here. Pretty good site where it came from. Albino Blacksheep.

But where better than the Beatles offical site? Here's I Feel Fine.

Tomorrow Never Knows

Top class song with a cool modern day video. Couldn't help but laugh at George playing sitar - just looks weird.

Oh and yes Groves, it does sound like that Chemical Brothers song they did with Noel Gallagher. Let Forever Be. The one with the cool video.

Have You Seen the Hits?

Blimey, thank you visitors, remember your comments and guestbook signatures are much appreciated.

How did I miss this?

Whilst drinking copious amounts of "juice" on Saturday I managed to fail to remember in my write up probably the funniest part of the night.

If you're 25 or over you've probably been there and done that and indeed bought the special edition DVD, but it was a first for me and Keith.

After leaving the Hog's after 5 shots of 'mad shit' Groves pushed me through the double doors in a bit of a Jackass stylee but as I flew out I caught glimpse of a shopping trolley and, well, chaos ensued.

Groves covered 20 metres in about 3 seconds and managed to jump another five and land arse first in the trolley!! I then sprinted and grabbed the handles before he could get out and began pushing him towards the doors of the Dundas Arcade (a shopping mall in Boro) I let go and thankfully he didn't smash in to the doors as sat inside were two burly security guards who we both at first thought were the police. The words "Fuck!" "Police!" and "It's the" were used quite a lot.

Swiftly turning round, Groves was off as fast my legs could take him and I crashed him into a bench. All the while I couldn't breathe through running and laughing harder than I ever have.

Poor Keith now has a large bruise on his hamstring and a very sore shoulder bless him.

It was the dive into the trolley that still cracks me up when I think of it.

Absolutely superb. If it's on CCTV, well don't even let me think about it.

Sunday, October 10

"Satda" Night

I stopped in this Satda.

Watched Casualty. Then sort of watched the X-Factor thing whilst reading GQ.

Then flicked the old music channels for a bit and retired to bed at 10.30.

Had another Parmo though.

I really must get a life for Christmas. At least I'm not having the same Groundhog Day night out every week like M1k3 and 9r00v35.

Big Night Out

Me and Keith out in Middlesbrough again? It must be Sunday morning and here's what happened: -

Following a few bevvies in Keith's house for the match, went home, got ready and we were picked up an hour later and whisked off to the 'City that Never Sleeps'.

Hogshead

Great starting point this apparently. I don't think so like. Although the fact Keith has played the fruity so much in here and pretty much memorised every feature and button press outcome it has. Managed to win a pretty hefty sum - £14 if I remember rightly and because it was my money going in I got it all! I thought I'd best give him a quid for his hard work.

Two and a half pints of Stella for Groves. One and a half for me, I seriously couldn't hack it. Moving on...

The Dickens Inn

Jumped in a Joe Baxi and went to The Dickens Inn. The driver was an absolute fucking arsehole who needed a good kicking. He had cow seat covers for Gods sake and his stories of how he shags birds in the back over his railings were a little far fetched.

Sticking on the pints surprisingly for me but I had a bit of lime in it to sweeten it up. Wasn't too bad. Bit hardcore in here alst night, the music was banging and it was packed to the rafters. Caught a bit of the Ireland v France game as well.

Star and Garter

Packed in here as well, it's a busy place Middlesbrough you know. Had another pint in here, think KG played the Fruity again if I remember. Also, stood to our right were according to Groves, a group of Lesbo's from the Eston Normanby region.

"Just ask em chief, they won't mind. If she slaps you I'm wrong. If she doesn't I'm right!"

"Yeah. Of course!"

But just looking at them you could tell.

The Southfield

The spicy crisps are becoming a regular thing in here, they are gorgeous like if a little hot. Sorry, volcanic. Finally moved off pints at last and had a good old Smirnoff Ice. Played the trickshot pool game and won £2!! Amazing. Pretty good pub this, just before we were leaving, Bohemian Rhapsody boomed over the speakers and the whole place joined in. A great moment.

Taxi

Eeeh, this was pretty funny. Get's in and plays the old mind games with the driver.

At first Keith asked for "Kings Cross please!"

And so the lunacy continued...

"So where you from then chief?"

"Middlesbrough"

"No, originally."

"Pakistan."

"Oh right, how long have you lived here then?"

"All my life."

"And how long's that."

"37 years."

He looked at least 60 year old though. I find it funnier that 37 was his real age and he did actually look like that. Anyway, he dropped us off at...

Lloyds Super Mega Resolution Ultra Pixelation The Force Dolby Surround 5.1 Bar

Had a DVRB in here whilst KG had another Pint - where does the man put it? Watched the rest of the Ireland game in here and they had put the commentary on the subtitles. Although a little out of time I've never had so much fun doing Motty and Trevor Brooking impressions. Can't have been in here very long before moving to...

Yates

Walking in, the female bouncer was greeted with a "Alright dahlin?" from Groves which received a 'death stare' in reply. The 2 for £3 offer is over in here and this pub has lost most of it's appeal now. Asked the DJ for a few songs including, The Okey Kokey and The Birdie Song. He sadly refused and put the Cha Cha Slide on.

Hogshead

Oh why must we have five shots each in here? It absolutely killed me but it sent Groves to the point of no return! The flavours were pretty bad. Cream Egg is beyond a shadow of a doubt the worst.

Barracuda

Took ages to get served in here, got a VK Orange of all things, but it was refreshing after that mad shit in the Hogs. Groves tried to get us back for last week by clanking the top of my bottle. As he did it slipped from my hand but, and I haven't a clue how, I managed to catch it with my other hand!

Spenseleys Emporium

Boldy going where no sane man has gone before we ventured in here. Not too bad, full of dirty women and you won't believe this - Sven Goran Eriksson. I swear it was him!! It was class though, nigh on every one who walked past him was shaking his hand and congratulating him on the 2-0 win over Wales.

Walkabout

And then finally, Aussie Bar mate. £3 in and what's this? R & B Music? Why? Where's Status Quo, Oasis, Parklife etc? Where's Pigbag? I don't want to here the chuffing Thong Song and some deadhead moaning about his bitches!

Bumped into Gypo and Reggie, two mates from days gone by who let's be honest aren't the best combo! Reggie was doing his Hulk Hogan impressions on the stage - with his jacket undone, and Gypo was well, just his truly annoying self as per usual.

It was fairly terrible in here but I was too drunk by now to care and eventually we called it a day. Not after KG managed to find room for two pints!

So we went to Pizza Pazza for a bit of food. Some dick in here started a lad for absolutely no reason whatsoever but it was funny.

"Do you think your cool or summat you? Eh? with your fucking hair?"

"At least I've got hair!"

How can you argue over hair? Nearly came to blows but his mate stopped him. I'd lost Groves by now. I think he was asleep outside.

Got our grub, and then Groves had a severe attack of the helicopters but had the sense to ring a taxi and we got home for about 1.30am.

Pretty good laugh and a good night all round. Walkabout should have been the climactic ending but it was a major letdown. I hope it was just a one off DJ.

7 out of 10.

Saturday, October 9

Bouncing Aeroplane

Ha, this is good. You would have shit yourself like.

Bonkers Game

Class though. Here. Find the worm in less than 60 seconds.

The Parmo Etc.

Following up on recent posts, I'm back again to set everybody straight.

The Parmo, I'm led to believe is a pork or chicken fillet covered in bread crumbs and parmesan cheese and is only available in the Teesside region. Apparently invented in a restaurant in Middlesbrough.

Home Alone is a top class film and I don't care what you say. It's the two crooks, Joe Pesci and Dan Stern that make it. Yeeeeeeeeoooooooowwwwwww!!! You know what I mean.

The song I think Mr Groves was referring to is played in the last episode of the Office Series 1 when everyone is dancing and the music is reflecting Tim's mood, it's tough fighting back the tears I tell you. The song being I'm Not In Love by Olive.

The lyrics are here.

Bigley has been done in. The brave lad managed to escape but then get caught again. No links please lads to his video.

As for boredom well I nodded off way before 10pm last night. Not having an X Box, PS2, GameCube, any games on my PC, a dog or a fiancee to play with didn't help.

I take it Peter is now tending to Jo's humongous hangover from her night out in Yarm.

Just a couple of hours to go before the big game. Hopefully Chief Chieferston, of Chiefsville, Cheifborough (Keith) is lining up the tinnies in his temporary batchelor pad for the party.

We are at 1383 hits already lads, 1300 was reported on Wednesday!

And if you haven't already, buy That Peter Kay Thing just for the ice cream man episode where he loses his rag on the fun day. Funniest Peter Kay moment I've ever seen.

Later Chiefs.

Friday, October 8

Linkage

Fixed the GamBlog link. That's how bored I am.

Friday Night update

Just had me parmo.

Mmmmmmm Parmo.

Friday Night

I ain't gonna quote no song lyrics. I can't think of any.

But I am, like little Macauley, home alone tonight.

The wife-to-be is going out to lovely Yarm with a gaggle of birds who she works/worked with.

So what to do.

Spoilt for choice in the gaming dept, Xbox, PS2, Gamecube and PC ready to roll and plenty of games. DVD's to be watched. Could even walk to the boozer for a couple of quiet pints early on.

Could get a parmo in. For all you southerners (You know who you are. Joey.) Gr00ves will no doubt explain the beauty of a Parmo in another post.

Got some beer and some wine and some Vodka. Could do with some ice and some Red Bull.

Or........I could sit here all night and type stuff into this godforsaken blog.

That'll probably be my best bet.

Have a good weekend people, not too much beer now. Yeah, right.

Wednesday, October 6

Am all alone..

So dont forget it... as the song goes (I think)

Cue the insults and sly comments from Pete Waterman and Simon Cowell (AKA Pete and Mike). As I have ballsed up yet another music related play on words!

As of now I'm Home Alone. My Mam and Dad plus Kathryn, have left sunny Middlesbrough and are now currently on there way to hurricane hit Florida.

How will I cope, well I have been out and stocked up on the essentials which are these and these.

So I should be OK!

I shall let you all know how I get on!

Billy Connolly

The Scot is in a bit of bother over a Ken Bigley gag he told recently - yep, he's the poor sod up for a b-word very soon.

He said of Bigley "Don't you wish they'd just get on with it?"

Yes we do. Expect the video link to be on Gambling Joey's site within a few hours!

Class Memory Game

Great music too. Play it here. Simply take a mental snapshot of the brief image in your mind, count the stars and guess the correct number.

1300 and Counting.

Jesus!! We flew past this marker in a matter of days! Thanks readers.

Burnley Wallet kicking ass as per usual.

Nice one lads!!!

What's Going Down

I haven't done one for ages so here's some stuff...

My carpet burns are wearing off from putting together my new bed. No not from testing it out! But from kneeling for a good six hours on Saturday and allowing Peter to screw stuff in using my fingers a sa vice. He nailed me several times and it could have got nasty!

So I'm actually managing to get some sleep now on quite frankkly the comfiest bed I've had and the palace Heaney is taking shape and becoming more and more 'grown-up'. Bless me.

Was quite shocked today when I got in to find an Auntie I hadn't seen in ooh, 15 years, sat on the setee drinking tea. Spent half an hour talking complete shite with her. She was pissed by the look of it. Quite apt that her name is in fact Mad.

So what else, what else, what else?

Been on the winning streak at Ladbrokes on lunchtimes at work, clocked up an almighty £15.25 return today! Check me out. Are lunchtimes at work just the longest hour of the day or what? How many times can you talk about the office slut's latest goings on?

Nights out lads? Do we have any planned? My next one in the diary is the 22nd October with work. I take we will follow the england match with a huge debate on Redcar, Middlesbrough, Stockton, Yarm, Eston and where we should in fact go. It'll be Middlesbrough. Hang on, why not just a mega party at the Grovesy Ranch?

I'm betting that Chris (KG's bro) and Alex's baby won't be called Lewis and will in fact be called Keith.

Loved Pete's photos, very glad I wasn't on the receiving end but I can still take the piss out of myself. Can't find out - Pete - you are the king. Although typing 'fat glasses' in to Google Images I was greeted with some porn pics. Weird!

Can't believe I forgot Dale's twin from the other night - genius!

"Ere mate, are you Dale's twin?"

He didn't have a clue what to say. I think he too was awestruck at the similarity. Not as good as Pete's twin in the Coulby Farm a while back.

Big thanks to Stevie Murkin for his guestbook entry. Apparently Stevie has a custom made windscreen (in joke).

Some top notch games and stuff have been put on, make sure you give us a comment on what you think.

So there you are chaps and chapesses.

We want to hear from you! Please sign the guestbook and leave us comments!

Tuesday, October 5

An announcement.....

Ladies and Gentleman, Boys and Girls Children of all ages, Fellow walleteers, devoted readers, and just about everyone that knows me. I have something very important to say.......

The 9r00v3s is back, and back with a bang.

Now the last time I blogged, must have been a good 3 weeks ago, and alot has happened. But All i have to say is the grizzly one has returned to its natural habitat.

Now a KG update.

Blackpool, 17/09/2004 to 19/09/2004, was BRILLIANT, truly awesome, and a top weekend. It brought many a memory back of when we went down there for Dale's stag weekend. Is it possible to have a bad weekend away?? I don't think so.

Nights out since Blacky, have been good, but I wont go over old ground as Mikey reports on them so good, even with a monster hang over on a Sunday, how does he do it?? Another note on Mikey, how do you get up at like 6.30am on Sunday after a night on the lash?

Work is wank, as always! However been caning Saturday Overtime!

Our Chris's baby is going to be a baby Boy, Lewis is apparantly the favourite name at the moment, but I'll lay odds of 6/4 that it changes by the time young Groves pops out! Any takers?

Our mam, dad and Kathryn are off the Hurricane hit Florida tomorrow night, So I'm all alone for 2 whole weeks, so any tips off the super house husband Pierre, on the likes of cooking, cleaning and ironing would be much appreciated!

I suggested this to Mikey earlier in the week, does anyone fancy my house on Saturday afternoon, for England V Wales, couple of cans, bit of tucker. Then perhaps some where else on the night. Up for it??

The Boro dipped for a bit against Everton and Chelsea, but showed great bouncebackability agaisnt Banik and United, tell ya what lads these Boro kids look quite tasty!

The Uefa Cup group stage draw took place today and what a draw it was one, We got the Italian giants of Lazio at home, bit of a downer would have loved a trip to the Olympic stadium. Spain's Villareal, Serbio and Montenegro's Partizan Belgrade (so glad thats at home) and a trip to Greece to face some one shit. We only have to finish 3rd to qualify and its very do able. Come on Boro.

The Dream Team, I take it I'm still kicking ass?

So there ya go, a KG update, bit brief I know, but it will take us a while to get to my former glory of writing epic blogs!

In the interests of fairness......

.....this must be me.

Blackpool

Picture of KG sent to me by a mysterious source in Blacky.

Looking good lad!

Stevie Murks

Thanks to Stevie for leaving us a guestbook entry.

You can meet Stevie here.

Nice hat fella.

Monday, October 4

The Best Graphicy Playthings Ever!

Click me now!!

Go on the effects, games, tools section - it's awesome!!!

Cool Gravity Game

This is superb. Played it for a good two hours.

On Second Thoughts

Perhaps Redcar isn't as good as I think. Read it here.

Then again it's always been as rough as owt.

Sunday, October 3

Look-a-likes

Stooping to look-a-likeys is the last resort of these sort of things.

But these are too classy and too good to ignore.

Spinning

BW Superfan and stalker Chaz wants me to go to "Spinning" with her soon.

Whilst not sure, I will go once to see what it's like.

However, I think Chaz has been practicing in advance.

Stopped in.

I stayed in all weekend.

I watched that stupid "My Best Friends Wedding" on the Saturday night.

It was fucking awful.

If I ever meet Julia Roberts, I will quite happily punch her oversized frog gob in.

Stop. Now.....

That Rooney thing just ain't funny. So stop it. Now.

Or I will edit your posts to get rid of it.

Nicked.

From the B3ta newsletter.

This.

Middlesbrough! Is this some kind of joke?

Yes, Middlesbrough was attended yet again last night by the chiefs, messrs Keith and Mikey.

KG picked us up about 7.15 and the taxi took us to the town for what promised to be a cracking night out. Spirits were high and the gags were flowing in the taxi.

TS1

The first pub on the agenda was TS1, a pint of Carling and a recap of Stockton went down quite well. Turns out Stockton was a pretty good laugh when talked through properly! Ah well, didn't feel like it yesterday morning. The popularity of Wayne Rooney has now got us adding Rooney to the end of sentences and saying them in your best John Motson voice. For example,

"I'm going for a piss-a-rooney!"

Didn't spend long in here and swiftly moved to...

The Dickens Inn

Staying with pints again but moving on to the touch screen 'quizzer' we managed a huge windfall of £7 on the football game and managed to keep our heads and actually collect it before playing 14 games of Word Up. KG managed to completely blow a former Boro Manager question and ought to be ashamed of himself.

Star and Garter

Just up the road and we were in here, bumped into some of Keith's mates, three brothers who are also hooked on touch screen quizzes - is this some sort of affliction if you work with Groves? Anyway spent a good 30 mins on 'The Matrix' game and got absolutely nowhere.

Southfield

Up the road even further and we got to the Student hang out, The Southfield. We shifted a couple of the tax dodgers out the way and grabbed a game I actually enjoy - The Trickshot Pool one - I had over three quarter's of the ball on a fiver and it still wouldn't pay out. Bought a bag of crisps in here. Jesus, "McCoy's ultra hot Mexican chilli lung burners" are possibly the spiciest thing I have ever eaten. I can still taste them now!

Walk to Lloyds

Cutting through the University a bunch of deadhead moshers suddenly surrounded us and looked as though they were walking to the town hall for a gig off some complete unknowns. Anyway being pretty pissed up there some very loud talking between me and the KG of "Ever been in a 30 man brawl chief?" "Do you fancy it? Us two on to them lot?". Definite Dutch courage.

Lloyds Hyper Super Dooper Bar

Not more quizzer surely! Yes, It was the three brothers in arms again and they were linked to the quizzer again. God get a grip lads and start socialising. Stood getting restless but it was bearable. Supped up a Double Vodka and Lemonade like a big poof and then moved next door to...

Yates's Wine Lodge

Dead in here but there was two girls on the dance floor worth watching. Bumped into Carl who has been mentioned before on the Wallet (he was the one who nearly died when he saw Groves's Bobby Charlton comb over wig). There was a lad with him who got asked for ID and out came the passport and I have to admit this lad looked to be between 10 or 12 . He was in fact 19!! Must have been in here less than ten mins before...

Hogshead (Glory be to God)

Oh man, whatever gave him the idea I don't know but something urged KG to buy 10 shots for £8 and for us to have 5 each.

"Er, two pints of water please to wash these down."

The scene was set, it was like a western, lips were quivering, eyes darting, mouth dry.

Shot 1 - Cream Egg. Cream fucking egg? Isn't that choccy? Down the hatch - bleuurgggh!! Disgusting I tell thee. Thank god for the water.

Shot 2 - Honeycomb. Jesus these were vile.

Shot 3 - don't know - cherry or cola flavour?

Shot 4 - Honeycomb again.

Shot 5 - Bubblegum.

These were killers and we were now staggering.

Realising it was still fairly early we tried a few more pubs rather than heading for Walkabout.

Barry Cuba

Barracuda was the venue, and still recovering from 5 shots of poison we staggered up the stairs to the bottle bar - "We only have Iron Bru WKD left I'm afraid."

My aching insides couldn't take the pain any more could they? Okay then and I succumbed to the horrible taste. Wasn't too bad and took my mind off that cream egg shot. Bumped into Emma from work and her mate. She looked completely sober so didn't appreciate me being pissed up. Sure I'll get reprimanded on Monday.

Absolut Vodka Bar

VK Orange-mmmm. Packed in here, as always. Pretty good pub this actually. Good tunes, plenty of room and a decent crowd. Classic in here, KG gets back from the slasher and I gives him his Becks back with a hearty clank on the top from my VK Orange bottle the thing exploded and poor KG did his best to drink the froth!!

"Chief I've gotta spew!!"

So the poor chief darted off to throw his guts up while I stood laughing to myself! Eeeh, knock out.

Made our way out of there and headed to

Walkabout

Loads of people in here as well. Tunes were pretty good as well and there was some seriously bad dancing going on. Yet another oldie dancing with Mikey. Do I look mid-thirties or what? Don't answer that.

Got the classic Baggy Trousers played, it just goes down a storm. Bit of Franz Ferdinand and The Beatles! I was well impressed.

Had a wonder upstairs and straight back down again cos it was dead and then left!

Pizza Pazza Parmo

1/4 lb-er and a Parmo for the chiefs. It was absolutely freezing and seeing as we were both in no state to book a taxi this could be a long night. After a bit of jogging from me, hard to believe I know I flagged a taxi down on the A66 turn off and we were on our way home.

Got through half of me burger and chips which now had frost on it and channel surfed for a bit before collapsing into bed at about 2.30am this morning.

Good night out, maybe stay off the quizzers next time (Groves!) wear a coat!

I'll give it 7 out of 10.

Groves let us know if I missed any pubs/funny moments out. Cheers.

Saturday, October 2

Stockton - oh wait, Middlesbrough - Again.

Stockton was the destination, Peter, God bless him, took me there and even kinder picked up one of my work colleagues on the way.

So the few of us who dared met up in Stockton's Wetherspoon's pub -

Thomas Sheraton

Pretty full in here, standing room only, seemed me and Andrew (who we picked up) were the last ones to arrive of thos eof us going out. The usual pleasantries were exchanged. You know,

"S/He's not out is he?"

"F*cking shite Stockton isn't it?"

A couple of pints and boring conversations later we were on to the next pub and after three pints I hadn't in fact spent any money yet!

Bar Ibiza

Man, this is one lame pub. Rough as anything and music was bad. Barmaids were tasty though. Reasonable prices as well. Didn't stay in here too long - I had a couple of Double Vodka Red Bulls (DVRB's).

Emporium

Genius in here, this is a pub Boro needs, it wasn't too full but it was playing top class sing-along tunes and everyone was having a good time. Some off the posse were decidely pissed by now and I was treat to a severe mauling which apparently was 'sexy dancing'. I wasn't drunk enough to appreciate it. Had a couple more DVRB's in here.

Goldies

Oh jeez, this place is bad. Having queued a good fifteen minutes we were treat to atrocious prices, music and people. There was however a big screen were you can text the DJ and he will put on Happy "£40th Birthday Mike" or what you wish. Despite a good three or four texts we sadly didn't have our messages displayed. Got very bored in here so, after numerous discussions and arguments it was agreed to go to...

Moby Grape

Me: "Nah, not going there Matthew, I'm going to Zanzibar."

Matthew: "Zanzibar?"

Me: "Yeah!"

Both: "Oh fuck it let's go to Walkabout!"

So ten minutes later we were in...

Walkabout

"Made in England" were the band and had the place rocking. Some not bad looking woman was into Mikey!! But, nothing came of it. Sadly.

About mid-way through the band Matthew just suddenly decided "I'm bored, tara!" and went. There will be severe interrogations come Monday morning when I next see him.

Anyway, despite Emma and her 'crew' saying they were going to the Moby Grape earlier and the fact we hadn't told them we were going to Walkabout it was certainly a surprise to see them in there! So I tagged along with them and sat upstairs bored to death for half an hour before going home. Whilst haggling for taxis got quoted an amazing £17 to Whale Hill!! It's £7 mate!

Pretty lame night out chiefs. Stockton may be good as a one off for us and is probably better on a Saturday night.

I'll give it 5 out of 10.

Friday, October 1

Funny Memory

What's twenty feet long and stinks of piss?

The conga line at a nursing home.

Only managed to remember this after being told by BW Superfan Matthew Scarth (out tonight no less). On the night of the ceilidh, so enthusiastic about dancing, we apparently grabbed onto a conga line that travelled the full outer perimeter of Walkabout and managed to get halfway up the stairs before collapsing in a heap. Thing's you forget whilst drunk eh? And Christ, the things you remember!

Stockton - Tonight!

BW Fans, Mikey, yes me, is heading out an expedition which quite frankly should earn him some respect for his sheer bravery and courage.

Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I am going to Stockton on a night out with the crew from work.

This could be the answer to our night out dilemmas and, on the other hand, it could be completely shit.

The full report, as it happened will be with you at some point tomorrow!

Happy 3rd Birthday.......

To lil' Charlie Murks from all at the Wallet.

Lost:

One Wallet founder member.

Answers to the name of Grooves.

Has anybody seen KG?

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