Wednesday, September 29

Lloyds Bar

I missed off my report that we went in here on Saturday night as well - I had two double vodka and Red bulls.

By the way nothing happened in here. Which may be why I forgot it.

Tuesday, September 28

Thanks

Thanks to the 1200 idiots who have visited this humble site.

Please leave us a message though, so we know who's reading our nonsense.

Big thanks to:

Mike
Gr00ves
The lovely Joanne
Clairsey Murks
Charlotte (PANDA GIRL)
Forrester
Nathan "Flanders" Paylor
Gambling Joey
"Disco Dale" and his lovely missus
That Geordie fella
Chris Nicholson
BW Superfan Matthew

.....and anyone else I've forgot. Ta.

1200

1200 unique hits surpassed!!


Sunday, September 26

Stag Do

Let's go to London.

And meet Gambling Joey!

What'cha think Joey? Up for a beer session with the Wallet?

Satda Nite - Chaz's B'day

Happy Birthday Chaz from me and all associated with this fine site.

Bit of a wash out really, most couldn't be arsed. Theatre was total garbage. I finally find somewhere that doesn't play music from 1968. Then they play it AT 200 DECIBELS SO YOU CAN'T EVEN HEAR WHAT FUCKING SONG IT IS. Grrr.....

Plaggy bottles though. Hmmmm. Says a lot about the clientele.

It was alright. But we need somewhere else. Middlesbrough would be quality for a once in a blue moon visit, like we had when we went to Blacky. But not every time eh?

Yarm, Stockton, Harltepool, Redcar are all calling out for Wallet publicity. And who are we to say no?

Middlesbrough - Again.

The gang got to Middlesbrough last night and this is what happened....

Hogshead (+)

Me and Keith started early, 6.30ish after a lift from Pete. Hogs (+) was the venue and we had a slow start a couple of pints of Stella and a game of Word Up. Supped up and cracked on to meet everyone at 7.30 in...

Masteryates

We were first in here and were for a bit, Groves came out with the line of the night when asking the barman if we could go upstairs,

"Can any chief and his dog go up there?"

Then Tony M arrived followed by Pierre and Jo. Then Chaz's gang and finally Dale and Emma.

I had a shedload to drink in here, a pint of Stella, two Reefs and two Red Squares. It was pretty dull in here to be honest but quite busy which is unusual for Yates's.

Hogshead (+) Again.

Moving swiftly on the Hogs (+) where we must have played Word Up for about three hours. I had a turbo shandy in here (pint of Stella and bottle of Smirnoff Ice mixed). I also borrowed a ring off the giant Connect 4 game set in there which I then had stolen from me. We were also joined by Paul Adahl, Keith's work mate.

Wankabout

Requested Baggy Trousers but he wouldn't play it. Twat. Fairly empty in here. I had a mega drink in here bought by Tony M. I don't even know what it was!

The Roman Empire

Spent 20 minutes talking to some deadhead students outside here and giving them advice on life and work ("Stop giving leaflets out and get a real job!") before eventually going in.

This place is beyond garbage.

The music is just not 'fun' in here. And how expensive? Anyway everyone slowly sloped off elsewhere due to sheer boredom and I eventually made my escape. I somehow managed to find the way out in my drunken state and made a vow never to return.

Thistle Hotel

Walked over here for some reason, saw the Chelsea team bus and duly walked into it. Went in and came with some random story about Christmas parties and came out with several thousand leaflets.

Bus Stop

Some lads in the bus stops outside the Empire giving me a bit of lip but he was drinking champagne and offered us half the bottle and it was rank, had a sip but spat it out. It wasn't piss before you ask.

Then bumped into two of Chaz's mates who were just leaving the Empire, the blonde one and someone else, had a turqoise top on I think. Anyway, upon asking where they live one of them lived in Normanby so it was only fair I share with them and get home for a thrid of the normal price.

Jumped out in Eston to save the driver ripping me off and walked the rest to clear my head.

Anywhere but the Empire as a finisher would have made it a better night and I think we could have fitted a lot more pubs and variation in had we not got stuck in the Hogs (+) on f**king Word Up!!

Don't know about you fellow Walleteers but I'm getting very bored with Middlesborugh. This coming Friday I will be testing Stockton with my workmates and will give you the full rundown. Perhaps we could have a new going out destination?

Saturday, September 25

Don't Stop Me Now!

Tonight I'm gonna have myself, a real good time, etc.

7.30pm, Paula Yates's Wine Lodge, be there and drink Red Square. 2 for £3.

The masses are converging for what will surely be a night out to remember at least up until about 10.30pm when we start remembering stuff for each other.

In the kind of mood that will see some superb antics and memorable moments.

Now as for KG, don't know if you saw The Mirror today but there is a feature on binge drinking and fighting in towns across England and one of the pictures is an all pile on! But the spooky thing is it looks just like us when we did it to Matthew the other week!! Be mental if it was.

I think all pile on's could be the saviour of nights out.

Upon reading the article, it seems in one square mile in Nottingham - I think it was Andy Garrens told me this before - there are 356 licensed premises and it's rumoured women outnumber men by 3 to 1.

It seems we have a new Stag Do location!!!

Attendees tonight include: -

Me!
Keith!
Pierre!
Jo!
Emma!
Dale(Emma's wife)!
Emma's satanic sister Rachel!
Chaz!
Chaz's mates!
Tony Montana! (who will be saying hello to his little friends.)

Plus anyone else who wants to come. The more the merrier.

Much dance movage tonight lads, I want to see the Hitchiker, The Circle of Death, Robotic Tag - the lot!!!

Seeya at 7.30 everyone.

Friday, September 24

Holy Shithole Batman!

Batman and Robin were caught this morning on Middlesbrough's famous Transporter Bridge!

This is the latest Fathers 4 Justice protest which has of course as the BW reported seen them on the front of Buckingham Palace.

Sadly for these two Boro lads they climbed it at 4am and Middlesbrough Transporter isn't exactly in the middle of town is it so who saw them I don't know?

Anyway here's the Gazette's version of events.

It's a Numbers Game

This is what we need instead of Word Up lads, a bit of mental arithmetic.

Nathan Paylor

Thanks for signing the guestbook Mr Paylor!

Not a clue what I put on his bonkers site but I'm sure it was amusing and not in the least bit abusive. Honest. I'd best go to confession eh?

Less God, more games, wild nights out and beheading videos please!

I sent KG a link for a beheading video - oh man, what a superb reaction. Let's have a description please Groves of just what you felt!!

Shout Out

Big respect for Clairsey Merkin, our anonymous commenter. Sadly for Claire, she has quite an unfortunate surname!

Apparently there's sparrows living in the 'standard' one.

Thanks to Gambling Joey as well - keep them comments coming dude! As for his beheadings links. Jesus Christ, I watched one and it is just the worst thing I have ever seen!! Do not watch with a full stomach.

As for the rest of our loyal readers!! We want to hear from you too!

Superb Shooty Game

Start playing it here.

Driving Test Nightmare

Glad this never happened with Gordon "Gordo" Stein, my driving instructor.

A teenager endured a driving test lasting over three hours because her examiner got lost.

Tina Wilson, 18, was eventually led sobbing from her Nissan Micra, but was given a pass after the test in East London.

The Sun says the accounts clerk was so traumatised she suffered a nosebleed through stress.

She had driven along miles of busy city roads after her out-of-town examiner gave instructions for a wrong turn.

Tina said of her ordeal: "I tried not to panic, but was stressed out. My legs were like jelly. At no point did the examiner say the test was over. As far as I was concerned I was being assessed the whole time."

She added: "I thought the examiner knew where she was going. But we kept going farther and farther out."

The drama began half an hour into the supposed 40-minute test in Wanstead, East London.

Her examiner, named only as Erica and from Middlesbrough, was confronted by a road closure. Minutes later they were on the three-lane A12 heading for the City.

Tina turned off and then had to negotiate a maze of suburban streets and roundabouts.

Finally the pair, who didn't have a mobile phone between them, hired a cab and followed it seven miles back to Wanstead.

The Driving Standards Agency launched an urgent investigation.

My favourite bit is imagining how they coped with the nose bleed!! Did the instructor sort of pinch her nose whilst the learner drove?

Thursday, September 23

Anybody There?

It seems the Wallet is in a bit of a quiet patch - the last external comment was received from Chaz on 11th September and the last non-Mikey post was from Pierre last Friday!

However, the hits keep on coming - we surpassed the 1100 mark without even making comment on it. We now stand at 1127 unique visits.

Current stats before the posting average arguments break out: -

Mikey

Total Posts: 422
Average Posts per week: 21
Words Written: 38,335

Peter

Total Posts: 125
Average Posts per week: 9
Words Written: 6,227

Keith

Total Posts: 111
Average Posts per week: 8
Words Written: 14,911

So it seems I am the undisputed champ of the BW team but I can say no to the pub and don't have a house/woman/dog to look after. But although Pete has more posts under his belt he has less than half the quantity of words of Groves.

But no doubt Groves is romping the profile views. He has a massive 253 for some reason, I have 156 and Pete trails with 112.

But to summarise I think we all bring our own certain something to the site that makes it quite frankly the best damned blog in the business!

Confucius say, ah, The Burnley Wallet!

Stag Do

Another re-think has led us back to Blacky of all places and indeed a revisit to Trevor and Sue at the Wyvern - the site of Dale Miller and Tony Lane's stag do earlier this year.

Plans for Saturday

Can anyone enlighten us? Me and KG are a bit in the dark.

Wednesday, September 22

Cold

F**k me it's freezing!!

Autumn is defo here and Summer has waved bye bye - infact I don't think he even waved hello to be honest.

Time to dust those parkas off and black gloves and start brushing the leaves off the path. Well I would if we had a tree.

Please, please, please will Groves give us the Blacky report - from what I've heard it was a corker of a weekend and as for KG's wounds well, Middlesbrough has a new Scarface.

Apparently asking for "Baggy Trousers for the Boro Boys!" didn't go down too well in the foreign land and some deadheads took offense and gave poor KG a duffing.

Dodge the Dot

Addictive. Here.

Tuesday, September 21

Bored at Work?

Well I'm not, since I'm off this week. But I am actually getting more and more bored at home and got a thrill out of hoovering Castle Heaney this morning.

What lies ahead for the weekend, I know it's only Tuesday but I need a drink. Now, if memory serves me correctly, it's Chaz's birthday on Saturday and we are all off up Middlesbrough and then to the Empire for Play!! Sadly no gig - hey lads remember The Darkness before they were famous and the baying crowd of, oooh, 12 people?

Or it may be Friday in which case Josh Wink will be on. Personally, I've never heard of him but I'm sure dance freak Pete will fill us in.

The latest on the stag do is Pete is getting cold feet on Prague. Cold being the operative word as apparently it's freezing over there in February. I can see us ending up in Blacky to sort out Keith's muggers!

Still no word from Keith, or "Keithy-boy" as me mam calls him for some unknown reason - but I can see it catching on.



Groves, the Wallet needs you!

Anyhow,

Groves is pissed up and is stumbling through the woods when he happens upon a preacher baptising folk in the river. He ambles down to the water's edge then trips and falls down before the holy man. Almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, the preacher pipes up: "Lord have mercy on your drunken soul, brother - are you ready to find Jesus?"

Out of his skull, Groves agrees:

"Yes, I am!" he replies.

And with that, the preacher grabs him and dunks him under the water. Moments later, he drags the deadhead back up: "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, preacher," stammers Keith, "I have not!"

Stunned by this, the preacher sends him down again...this time leaving him there a little longer. Shortly he drags him back up again: "Rid your soul of the poison, brother - have you found Jesus?"

Gasping for air, he splutters a reply: "No, preacher - I have not!"

At his wit's end, the preacher sends the drunken Groves down one last time. A full minute later, he pulls him out: "For the love of God," shouts the preacher, "tell me you've found Jesus!"

Coughing his lungs up, Keith wipes his eyes and turns to the preacher: "You sure this is where he fell in?"

Lunch Time

Not sure what to have for lunch? This is what I'm having.

The 8,500 calorie sandwich.

Thursday's at College

Well, me and Keith went to the same High School and indeed, studied the same subject.

On a Thursday we were always booked in the college library all day, using it's computer facilties and after a while learning started getting a bit tedious so we turned our attentiuon to this.

Who Wants to be a Millionaire?*

Millionaire was at it's height at the time and I remember one sunny Thursday afternoon sat with the tutor asking for help with the answers. Genius.

Kids, go to college, it's great!!

* = no real money sadly.

Slaps

I used to play this but I never really knew the rules other than it would always end up in a fight. Anyway, I get it now. Apparently, you're meant to take it in turns!

Monday, September 20

Stag Do Progress

It seems Prague is the chosen destination. Woohoo!!

Pierre and myself are getting down to the nitty gritty and sorting this whole thing out. It may be cold, but the pubs will warm us up and us big guys won't have to worry about health kicks to get into swimming pools in Spain.

Looks like we are going on my Birthday as well which means I'm not getting on the plane.

Groves, will you have enough cash by the end of February?


Breaking News - Keith's Trip to Blacky Update

Contact has been received. A hush-hush phone call was received in to the BW Headquarters late this afternoon.

"Hean, I got a good hiding in Blacky and got left for dead on the beach and am £450 overdrawn."

There is no word as to whether these rumours have been exagerated for humour purposes or not but we shall have to hear it from the horses mouth.

Coming soon - the full Blackpool Report!!


Graffiti

Can't find a big wall? Always wanted to spray your name on to one? Well now you can!! Here.

Sunday, September 19

Insane Site

The most bonkers site you are likely to find.

Contact

Still no word from Groves.

A few possibilities.

He's so drunk he doesn't realise he has a text.
He's sold his phone for drinking money.
He's a deadhead.

Saturday, September 18

More Fun

Another funny site.

Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes

And eyes and ears, mouth and a schnoz. Funny. Here. Check out the rest of the site as well.

Escape from Detention

Cool adventure game, but it's difficult.

Ceilidh Fall-out

How wrong I was! Last night was quite frankly the best fun I've had in ages. I would highly recommend a ceilidh for anyone needing an idea for a party.

Arrived at Marton Country Club and absolutely no-one was there and for the good fifteen minutes I sat in Pete's car no-one arrived until at last Frances and her entourage arrived.

Went in and there was three people there band the band were warming up as I was swiftly told - "This is the first time they've met Mike!"

But they were great and much fun was had by all - I had a top laugh with BW Superfan Matthew. I was soon dragged up to the dancefloor and let's be honest now, I was a natural.

The night flew by and I was seriously knackered by the end of it and had injured an old woman during a particularly rough dance. I'm sure I headbutted her, or at least tried to.

Once the dancing was over a few of us went to Walkabout but not before I put a traffic cone on top of Richard's car for when he drove off but he was told and my fun was cut short.

Walkabout was quiet but we went hell for leather with some top tunes and a skatey dancefloor. Baggy Trousers was of course requested and is due for a re-release soon I think with all the air time it's getting.

Anyhow, got into a taxi and had the poor lad's life. I got it for £7.50 which wasn't bad but when he dropped me off I got out and held the door open and just talked to him for about 25 minutes about everything. He got more and more agitated and I got more and more talkative but eventually he just drove off with me half in the car and I walked the rest of the way in a fit of laughter. Eeeh, it's the little things that crack you up.

Friday, September 17

Burton

Now I know it ain't the most desirable shop for clothes but if hear the term "It's new in this shirt!" when buying a new shirt again Lord help the sales assistant. I might buy one that's been there months and see what he says.

When I bought a new one today I gave a perhaps little too harsh "Yeah?" back. Wish Boro would get some decent clothes shops for the larger man.

Ceilidh

I can't wait for this complete embarrassment of a night to be over and to get into Middlesbrough and run riot.

Another absolutely appalling turn out is expected - from an estimated 250 invited - 50 are going and this for a man who has put 26 years into the company!

I don't want to know who will go to my leaving do. Just me if this is anything to go by! Ouch.

So wish me luck chiefs, Mikey is going Paddy dancing and is in the kind of mood to have a bit of a rant at someone in a high position.

Eh?

As I stand accused of not blogging enough, I checked out the stats.

Average Posts Per Week:

Mike: 20
Peter: 9
Grooves: 8

So come on Grooves get your act together!

Thursday, September 16

I'm back

He's right you know.

I haven't blogged for a bit.

But now I am.

So there.

I haven't blogged because I unfortunately have:

A: Football to play
B: A house to maintain
C: TV to watch
D: A Girlfriend

And these consume my time in ways that are unimaginable to singletons like M & K.

I see KG is off to Blacky in the near future, have a good time KG and bring your eyebrows back safely.

And Mike, bless him, has time on his hands and money to burn. So is going paddy dancing on Friday and will stay in on Saturday.

Rumours of a takeover bid circulating for the Wallet are not true. I will retain creative control of this site until I see fit to hand it over.

So have a good weekend people. Whether getting your facial hair removed in Lancashire, or sitting in your bedroom counting your money, don't panic.

It's nearly Monday again!

THE WALLET IS NOT FOR SALE!!

You twats.

Stag Do

Peter's wedding day looms large and poor Mikey, what with my mafia don like characteristics, who has never even organised a night out before, let alone a holiday, is left with the responsibility of sorting this godforsaken stag do out.

We seem to have an initial foundation - a week long holiday somewhere exotic for the close pals and whoever can afford it and then a night out for every man and his dog in Leeds, Newcastle or somewhere like that.

So, thoughts please on -

Long weekend in Prague
Long week in Magaluf
Fortnight in Bangkok

Now the latter may be out of reach for some of you but we can always aim high.

Prague is sounding more and more appealing - I have heard nothing but top class reports from everyone who has been there but Pierre has the final say.

Christmas

Usually around this time of the year when the nights draw in - I mean Jesus it's dark already - your mind starts to drift towards happier days i.e. Christmas.

The question on everybodies lips then - how many day's until you realise just who you've upset over the past year?

So, how many?

100!!!

Best start shopping now eh?

Now this year I am not letting anyone ruin my Xmas Eve night out and there will be some serious drinking and singing done in the streets of Middlesbrough. I think a biggie with the whole gang of chiefs who went bowling plus those who weren't there is on the cards.

Weekend Blues

I think the Punto might be getting its first long distance trip as Blackpool is starting to become more and more tempting. This weekend is going to be one seriously bad one and then to cap it off I'm off all next week and have absoutely bugger all planned. Thinking I might decorate the Palace Heaney - well at least make my bed on one of the days I'm off.

This Ceilidh malarkey is looking bad and could be a complete borefest. Sorry, will be a complete borefest. Roll on Middlesbrough Town Centre and my good self in a fired up state to ease those weekend blues.

And where is Pierre? The lad has dissapeared off the face of the Wallet and hasn't blogged since his little huff the other day.

In true Hackmania spirit the instant thought of a takeover bid was brought up in a lift home between me and KG. What do you think Pierre? Buy it off you for a £5 a-piece.

Coming Soon!

Yes folks, that major league lardhead Keith Groves is going back to the place that kicked him out a few months ago. Blackpool. Or to us fellow chiefs - Blacky.

One can only wonder if he'll bump into Trevor and Sue from the Wyvern Hotel and if Mark will be there (in-joke), if he will spend another hour looking up at that glass dance floor - oh wait that was me, if he can keep hidden some of the truly dark secrets from Dale's stag do and finally realise that Blackpool is one serious shit hole that needs a good tidy up.

Coming soon the full report on all the goings on, all the action as it happened including the best bit of the whole weekend away - the bus journey down there and the worst - the bus journey back.

Aks Jeeves

This is good but could be so much better.

Stressed?

Does popping bubble wrap work? Find out here.

Thin Keith Shock!

Rumours have been circulating. Photographic evidence that Keith was in fact one seriously slim dude (at the age of 15 anyway) has been found and once Peter fixes my Scanner they will be posted! It seems all this alcohol and parmo abuse has indeed turned Keith into three times the man he was in 4th year Senior School.

Wednesday, September 15

Rioting at the Houses of Commons.

Funny as. All these protesters, protesting about this and protesting about that, I dont really understand all this politics bollocks. But it makes brilliant TV.

Apparantly we now have armed police guarding the commons, all this over a FOX!!!

I also witnessed the best banner/sign ever it read

"For Fox sake leave us alone"

Superb!

The Police were just twating everyone who was near the front of the stampede, truly hilarious. One particular funnny bit was when this copper, who had one too many sausages for brekkie, went arse over tit. It cracked me up!

Also somehow, these 4 or 5 lads managed to get into The Houses of Parliment, and ran amock. These so called security guards with swords and dressed in tights managed to contain them. What would happen if these people were suicide bombers??

Unreal!

What is the Country Coming to?

As I sat to tuck in to my tea I switched Sky News on and what do I see? More protesters in amazing positions! Five geezers in the House of Commons just like walking around the middle table like feet away from where Tony Blair would be if he were there! Unreal.

And as for the fighting in the street, well that was just superb - makes me want to be a policeman just to smash people's heads in with a truncheon.

It's all to do with fox hunting you see but I don't really understand it all and I can't be arsed explaining it.

I reckon tomorrow we will see a protester in bed with Tony and Cherie.

Tits

Yes we are. But can you guess these lovely ladies bra sizes? Found at I Am Bored.

Tuesday, September 14

Mikey's Weekend News

Ceilidh. What does that mean?

It means on Friday I will be making a complete arse of myself dancing to Irish music whilst pissed at Peter's Constantine's offical leaving do. (Apparently this one was just a practice).

The event kicks off at 7ish and I've been roped into puting balloons and banners up. Do anything for a free pint me!

As for Saturday and Sunday well I don't know - I am at a loss, that drinking chief Keith is buggering off to Blackpool for the weekend and it looks like I'm on a quiet one! I can see it being a complete washout for the Hean-meister. What have I done to deserve that?

I need more friends.

1000 plus unique hits.

Well it speaks for itself, we only have the readers to thank.

So a big Burnley Wallet thank you, to every single person who has clicked on our website, keep those hits coming!

Thanks

Burnely Wallet Team.

Great Little Game

Hours of fun. Here.

Superhero Maker

Keith - imagine having this for your Media Studies GCSE?! Remind me what yours was in the end - I know it's comical!

Monday, September 13

One seriously hard game!

Peter and Mikey to complete in 15 mins??

Gets to work today and........

I checks the Late night rota for this week, to my horror and disbelief, I had voluntarily put myself down for THURSDAY, the night no BORO will ever want to miss. Our first game in Europe.

I can just see Mikey now "Call yourself a Boro Fan Groves".

Anyhow after several wind ups later, I managed to get out of it, only if I did my Late night tonight, so today I have been at work from 9.01am to 8.00pm.

Ouch!!!!

Blogger

My distinct lack of blogs was commented upon whilst we were robbed at gunpoint in the Kansas Exchange the other night.

It's not that I've got nowt to say, it's just, well........I can't be arsed.

I can't be bothered typing all of the inane things that happen in my life. It's boring enough the first time.

Sorry. But I'm sure my enthusiasm will return.

COME ON BORO! (Can I say that here?)

Batman is Down!

7.17pm - A yellow cherry picker has collected him off the ledge and he's now looking seriously ill as he got thrown into the back of a police van and they're off! Great TV this man.

Voted Yet?

Why bother with this nice little game.



"Ladies and Gentlemen!"

"Kerry vs. Bush....

"Let's get ready to rumble!!!"

"Disco" Tone

It's Tony Blair. He's dancing. He's doing somewhat of a hitchiker move. It's genius.

Batman

A bloke dressed as Batman has breached security at Buckingham Palace and I am now watching him live stood freezing to death supping a orange squash right next to the balcony!! This is what live news should be all about!!

He's done it as part of the Fathers 4 Justice rights group.

Now apparently about 3.00pm Batman and his two mates, one dressed as Robin broke in, climbed the fence, with a ladder no less, climbed up to the ledge by the central balcony (where the Queen does her waving from) and is now stood there asI type waving to the huge crowd!

Superb TV!

Sunday, September 12

Baggy Trousers

So I gets a phone call off Mikey, "have you just been watching Baddiel (No not peter) and Skinner Unplanned"

"No" is my reply,

"well they just sang Baggy Trousers at the end."

"Cool"

"Tra"

Well this got me thinking, I mean we all love Baggy Trousers, and we can all do the mad daft dance, but can we sing along?? Err...... I couldn't bu thanks to the Internet I can learn the words.

Here ya go

Naughty boys in nasty schools
headmaster's breaking all the rules
having fun and playing fools
smashing up the woodwork tools
All the teachers in the pub
passing round the ready rub
trying not to think of when
the lunchtime bell will ring again
Oh what fun we had
but did it really turn out bad
all I learnt at school
was how to bend not break the rule
oh what fun we had
but at the time it seemed so bad
trying different ways to
make a difference to the days
The headmaster's had enough today
all the kids have gone away
gone to fight with next door's school
every term that is the rules
its alone and bends his cane
same old backsides again
all the small ones tell tall tales
walking home and squashing snails
Oh what fun we had
but did it really turn out bad
all I learnt at school
was how to bend not break the rule
oh what fun we had
but at the time it seemed so bad
trying different ways to
make a difference to the days
Lots of girls and lots of boys
lots of smells and lots of noise
playing football in the park
kicking pushbikes after dark
baggy trousers dirty shirt
pulling hair and eating dirt
teacher comes to break it up
back of the head with a plastic cup
Oh what fun we had
but did it really turn out bad
all I learnt at school
was how to bend not break the rule
oh what fun we had
but at the time it seemed so bad
trying different ways to
make a difference to the days
Baggy trousers baggy trousers
Baggy trousers
Baggy trousers baggy trousers
Baggy trousers
Baggy trousers baggy trousers
Baggy trousers

For the next time we need to pack!

Click Here!!!

PC Pissing You Off?

Try this!

Pandas

So can Pandas swim then?

Well it's funny you should ask. Cos I wanted to know. So I found out.

Jacko's Face

Build it here!!

Freaky Clowns

Make an evil clowns face

Make Your Own Sonic

Does exactly what it says on the tin. Here.

Bowling, Bowling, Bowling

Keep them wagons rolling.

Anyhow, the full gang sans Dale and Emma visited Tesside's Leisure Park last night for an evening meal and a night of bowling. So that was me, Keith, Peter, Jo, Phillip and Emma (Jo's brother and his bird), Stevie Murkin, BW Superfan Claire Murkin, Chaz and Jo's stepbro (I think) Richard.

Me, Keith, Claire and Steven met up at there house - The Palace Merkin and then got a minibus up to Pierre's house to pick the rest of the chiefs up.

We ate at Kansas Exchange and bugger me it was extortionate! I had a beef burger with a bacon topping and two large glasses of lemonade for the pricely sum of £13.60! There was a slight delay to the meal when Phil rang up to say his car was on fire on the A19.

Kansas Exchange is just full of paraphernalia including an 8ft plane hanging from the ceiling which I couldn't keep my thieving eyes off!

Then we bowled and I think Jo has found her niche hitting an unbelievable 5 strikes in a row wheras I managed to miss 7 times in a row at on point.

Had a few Stella Artois' in here and once bowling had finished we all had a go on the arcades. Not before handing our shoes and spit (that's an in-joke) in to the chiefs who serve us.

Me and Pete went on the Horse Racing one, Jesus it was knackering. He won just but for like the first minute I just rocked back and forth whilst sat down.

Stevie won a teddy - more on that later.

Grovesy won about £80 on the fruities.

I nearly put my fist through Anne Robinson's screen face. Bitch. I managed a collosal 7,600 points but didn't even win a quid!

Well the bar closed and it was time for off but not before walking to Burger King with the Teddy that had been won which rapidly turned into a combined football, American Football and rugby ball.

"Stevie, go long!"

"Touchdown!"

Even though they had eaten just four or so hours ago most of them couldn't resist BK. I'm proud to say I did. Anyhow Chaz got an Ice Cream and Jo had some. And it ended in a ice cream fight with Stevie covered in it!

Now the last time I travelled any distance with the Murkins in a car I got lumbered in the middle with Keith and Stevie and got tickled to death so I was no dreading it!

But thank the Lord it never happened and I got home safe and sound.

Good night out and different for a change but a bit expensive.

Post 400

Woohoo!! Another milestone met.

Saturday, September 11

Bowl-a-rama

Charlotte arrived in style for the bowling.

Collecting Junk

What do you reckon chiefs? Is 'collecting' a bowling ball on the cards tonight?

Oh, by the way I am going to be giving it my best Ernie McCracken from Kingpin.

.

Suffering

I feel really ill after last night but I am going to brave the one thing I truly hate. Bowling. I've never been a fan, ever since my first trip ended in two slips and managing to let go of the ball on my backwards swing and to see it go crashing into some poor old woman.

I am however deeply focussed on the task at hand and will no doubt put on quite the show - my huge frame bowling is quite a site, I seem to take a huge bounce to the right as momentum takes over!

But of course, the temptation of Gala Casino just round the corner may be too big.

All the chiefs are going and the winer will be declared in true BW fashion - probably in the next few days when someone can be bothered.

I bought the Oasis DVD and was most impressed, I would highly recommend it. Also impressed with Noel's appearance on Soccer AM this morning which was good. Sticking with Soccer AM, Tim Lovejoy's own show "Tim Lovejoy's Allstars" started on the 8th Sep apparently and 22nd is the next one with again Noel Gallagher and Ian Brown.

Looks like me and that chief Keith could be competing against each other in not just bowling. A job opportunity has reared its ugly head and this could indeed get very ugly!

Just a funny memory that has come to me about last night was them lads that were bumping us. Me and Keith stood doing the "Out, out, out!" clap that some politician did a while back when he got voted in - damned funny.

Has anyone else noticed the influx of animals to the advertising screens - has some dude got a mega fetish or something? Cadbury's and the National Lottery are both a little bit weird for my liking.

So, what else is happening?

It's the third anniversary of the 9/11 disasters. I don't know about you but that is one quick three years. I remember being a lowly trainee delivering the daily takings to the bank and coming back to an office of stunned faces all trying to access the internet and wondering if they were allowed or not. Love the conpsiracy TV shows that have been on recently - very convincing.

Franz Ferdinand captured the Mercury Music prize earlier this week. Well done. Got the album myself on Thursday and it's quite good - needs a few more listens though.

On the restaurants in Middlesbrough, I went to Burger King the other day and it was awesome! Toook less than 2 minutes to be fully served and it was gorgeous. And they haven't pussied out on super size and believe me it was super size!

I might partake tonight as we are over Hollywood Bowl but the last time I was there I had a major barney with the manager and demanded they re-open (they had just closed). Lets hope my face has been forgotten!

Anyway gang - what have you been up to?

Pun-tastic!

Mikey Gatecrashes the Party

I was very easily talked into this one.

Keith was already out for a mates birthday at work starting at 3.30pm and then I was to meet him asap after I left work.

Pierre gave us a lift up there - thank you - and I got there for approximately 6.30pm.

I expected a huge group of Keith's work cohorts but there was a massive two and one of them left 10 minutes after I got there.

Had several games of Wordup on the touch screen and did quite well and then I have never seen two people play a fruit machine as excessively as Keith and this other bloke, Robbie - it was his birthday by the way. They lost a fortune!

Got decidedly bored in here waiting for these two and ended up pocketing a leaflet style thing about JD.

Robbie finally called it a day and went home absolutely pissed so me and Keith moved on to Lloyds.

Now Lloyds must have changed their policy or something as I couldn't buy a Pint of Vodka Red Bull!! Now I don't know if it was because of my antics last time we were in and he recognised me but I was bitterly dissapointed and had to settle for a double. Bumped into Paul Adahl, another of Keiths colleagues and had a good laugh with him before we then moved on to Yates.

More fruit machine action - jeez! I was getting more bored by the minute and pocketed some more menu style things. Yates was absolutely dead as well and there wasn't even a DJ on! Had a Red Square and three Reefs in here and then Emma, Kim, Dave Lofts and his brother, the first three being my work colleagues met us in there and I finally had some semblance of interaction other than "Hold", "Collect" and "You fucking dick, why did you press that?" Groves was well gone by now and stood half way up Yates staircase gave the best dance ever!

So several drinks bought by my good self later and we were off to Huxters which was pretty dead as well. Some more of the funniest dancing you've seen from Groves right in the middle of Huxters.

Then we went to Absolut Vodka Bar and had a, jeez I've forgot. Ended up with a load of drink mixer things in my pocket and one on each ear. I'm blurry as to what happened in here. Not much I don't think. Keith can fill us in. I think it was just chatting to Paul Adahl after bumping into him again.

Then we went to Walkabout were I paid that robbing git Keith in for about the eighth week running. Had a good dance about in here. Got thrown off the stage again by the bouncer. I'm just trying to be a star man!! The band were pretty good, some of the usual hits plus a couple of Beatles hits that went down well but their guitars were far too fuzzy. Whislt dancing to said Beatles hits these old women were dancing near us and had these horny devil hairbands on. "I'm having one of them!" Consider it whipped and now standing proudly in my pub paraphernalia collection which is growing rapidly.

Got more and more agitated by these students who kept bumping into us and I think due to boredom we were looking for a bit of excitement. One bump later and I collared one of them. Keith was shocked, I think he's all talk and no action but when he saw me grab this lad he exploded with laughter! A quiet word later and there were no more bumps.

Seem to recall having a 10 minute discussion about drinking piss with the toilet chief, arguing if it was good for you or not. I don't want to know chief, just give us some chud and a free squirt of aftershave ya deadhead!

Well, for I think the first time in weeks we actually got straight into a taxi and went home.

I gave the best freestyle rapping performance ever about the taxi ride home. It was so spur of the moment I don't recall any of the lyrics. You just had to be there but the taxi driver was so impressed he knocked £2 off the fare!

All in all a fairly quiet night, quite drunk, not as many memorable moments as others but still a good time. I'll give 6 out of 10.

I collected: -

A Jack Daniels Birthday leaflet.
Yates Late night munchies leaflet.
Yates Doubles Menu.
4 drink mixers.
Devil Horns Hairband.

I'll be able to open me own pub soon!

Thursday, September 9

Pubs to ban smoking!!!!

ONE in three pubs will ban cigarettes at the bar by next year — and confine smokers to closed-off rooms within five years.

The decision has been taken by five chains which own a whopping 22,000 British boozers.

Pub bosses also hope to stave off an all-out smoking ban imposed by the Government.Enterprise Inns, Mitchells and Butlers, The Punch Pub Company, Scottish and Newcastle Pub Enterprises and the Spirit Group have signed up.

Smoking rooms will account for a fifth of floorspace under the new rules.British Beer and Pub Association chief Rob Hayward said: “We aim to continue to serve the whole community. We want to attract new customers, enhance the work environment of staff and minimise the impact upon the economy.”

He said eight in ten customers want a ban now that just 26 per cent of the population smoke.He added: “Companies want to reflect that in the way they run their pubs.”

Drink sales in Ireland have plunged 15 per cent since it outlawed smoking this year.

Cigarette smoke, to be honest doesn't bother me, as my fellow walleteers will know I'm partial to the odd tab (espeically if Jo is out). Also when your out do you actually notice the smoke?

Thoughts and opinions please chaps!

The Weekend is nigh

So that can only mean one thing to the crew here at Burnely Wallet HQ,

Its Drink Time!!!

I plan on getting as drunk as a skunk tomorrow as its a lad from works birthday, and there are a good few going out at 3.30pm, for a good sesh on Stella in the mighty fine HOGSHEAD!!! I think Mikey mentioned summat about coming down town later on. So we shall see.

I'm also going to purchase my ticket for the home leg of Boro's first ever Uefa cup game against Banik Ostrava.

Then on Saturday I understand we have the very first Burnley Wallet Bowlathon, now I aint played since 1st year college a good 3 years ago, however I did win back then, so here's hoping!

Wednesday, September 8

Oof

Apparently, wallet friend Chaz has had a slight accident.

She tripped over in the shower and blacked both her eyes.

Picture evidence here.

Transformers...

....Robox in disguise!

Tuesday, September 7

Mikeys 21st

I turned 21 just this February gone and I've put my two favourite photos on our album, here.

The thumbs up picture of me is me having fallen over after just the second pub we'd been in after being force-fed six treble vodka and red bulls. The poledancing one is me in Barracuda. Barracuda was the third pub. As you've gathered I was beyond drunk and the rest of the photo's are a lot worse.

And I've captioned all the wedding pics so you kind of tell who's who and what's happening.

Kill Bill

The Burnley Wallet proudly presents it's first feature film, found at dissapointment.com

Watch it now!

Tyred

Well, them lardheads, yes me and Keith, pulled off a masterstroke blowing the tyres of my car up.

We spent 20 minutes wondering why the pressure was going down before eventually giving up and getting back in the car -

"Our Dad has one Hean, do it at our house."

As we got in it dawned on us we had to switch the machine on.

Deadheads.

900

We are storming it - thank you readers!!! We love hearing from you here at the Burnley Wallet office so please leave comments and please sign the guestbook.

But if your name is Claire Murkin, well, there'll be trouble!

9/11 Pentagon Video

This will make you think. Takes a while to load like but it's worth it.

The Ultimate Challenge Update.

For the route of "Half Moon" to the "Norman Conquest" this is the pubs that will need to be visited.

  1. The Half Moon
  2. The Naggs Head
  3. The Miners
  4. The Brown Jug (how hard are we?)
  5. The Talbot
  6. The Cleveland Bay
  7. The Queens
  8. The Ship Inn
  9. The George
  10. The Stap
  11. The Normanby
  12. The Woodman
  13. The Tiger
  14. The Cleveland
  15. The Pov
  16. The Parklands
  17. The Norman Conquest

So Pete you were right 17 pubs! Am up for it!

Monday, September 6

Ultimate Drinking Challenge 2004

Right. I'll sort this out.

I think we should do the old "Half Moon - Conquest" run. All of the pubs in between in one evening. Starting at 5 PM.

An alcoholic drink must be consumed in each hostelry, no fannying out on water (Mike!).

Photographic evidence of each pub must be taken using camera phones.

I think there are approx 17 pubs on this routeso we have 6 hours to do the lot.

So 17 pubs in 360 minutes? Around about 21 mins per boozer. But include walking/travel time and this gets a bit silly.

Fancy it chaps?

Ultimate Drinking Challenge - Postponed! But...

Well once me and the KG had the first sip of Arc in TS1 (Pub no. 2 on the list) we felt it kick in and thought "Let's do this challenege another night!"

We haven't failed, we just kind of left it for another night!

So, Keith Groves Jr - that being Keith's dad, because Keith is in fact Keith Groves III - gave us a lift up the town to the Og's (+)

We went to Ladbrokes first and had a bet on England to win 2-0 and Becks to score first.

The 'Ogs (Amen)

Church, where one of the 'alter-girls' served us a Stella. In a surprise move, I hit the Fruity first and by God what a move it was. A thunderous round of giggling at the mocked up "lo" button, which I of course nicked many a week ago, and hundreds of button presses later I was £10 up!! What a great start to the night.

We drank up quickly, because at this time we felt we had to rush due to the Ultimate Drinking Challenge so we went on round to TS1.

Now, on the way, and I have to admit this is one of the highlights of the night, there was a large group of moshers outaside the Town Hall all waiting for a gig and they were ebing hassled by four or five 8 - 10 year old proper Boro lads who were throwing stones at them!!

Me and KG found this to be pure child genius and were actively encouraging it!

One stones throw later and the moshers ran after them but the kids ran across the road and infront of me and Keith and I turned round to face the oncoming moshers. They pretty much all stopped when I shouted at them and gave one of them the 'Eastwood Stare' - as he froze in his tracks a bus nearly ran him over!! I started laughing my head off and one of the eight year olds comes over, taps me on the shoulder and asks -

"Here mate, will you be my Dad?"

Feeling proud and with my head held high we marched on to TS1, round two of the Challenge. As we walked, a lad infront of us was in full leather Matrix gear and boots and got the piss-take of a lifetime!!

TS1

This is where we have found a new Pub Memorabilia item worthy of the Croc in Walkabout!!

A 6ft x 6ft poster of Sugar Ray Leonard, signed by the man himself - it is top notch and needs to be adourning my bedroom wall one day. It is, I would say much more difficult than the croc.

We sat in an empty TS1 and deliberated over the challenge and came to one conclusion, this challenege overshadows a great night out. Do we want to die or do we want to come home half dead with some top laughs and classic memoirs. I'll have the latter please!! Also during our lenghty convo we came up with the "Hi, I'm a 33% shareholder in a top .com" chat-up line!

Supped our Arc, got quite drunk on that myself and we navigated the road works to...

The Dickens Inn

Keith reminded me I challenged eight lads to a cage match (road works fencing) on the way to the Dickens Inn. Warning: Arc sends you mental. Thank God they never heard me.

The England match was just starting and having had our £10 bet on it in Lady Brokes earlier it became much more important. Manninger's hilarious back pass had us salivating at the prospect of a Beckham opener but his clever fake gave England the lead! We still sighed!! What true fans we are. Of money that is! 1 - 0 at half time and three pints later we decided it was time for the next pub.

The Star and Garter

Too packed - next!

The Southfield

Nice and average turn out in here, I'd had enough lager and moved on to the Smirnoff Ice..."oh and Keith I'll have a bag of crisps please"....I thought someone had tampered with them, McCoys' Spicey left me gaggign for water and the lemony Smirnoff Ice did nothing to help it. Whew! Watched the second half and England fall to bits, good job it was a bunch of students in here as I thought a few bottles were going to be let loose at the TV screen.

I remember Keith telling some deadhead tax dodger it was 3-2 to Austria! And away we went after me having 3 S. Ices and Keith 3 Corona and lime's. We walked through the University and back streets and two spews, a piss and a tipped over bin later we were in...

Lloyds - More Pixels and Hyper Resolution than you can shake a stick at Bar

Wahey! Grovesy's girly mates from work were in here, well one of em, Aimee, but she had mates with her and they were all very nice! Sank a couple of PVRB's in here. That's a pint of Vodka Red Bull to you pussy half pint drinkers and had a good old chinwag with the ladies.

Then we went to...

Paula Yates

I was seriously pissed by now and dancing like a total buffoon on the multi-coloured dancefloor to the top tunes.

"DJ, stick Franz Ferdinand on!!"

"What does that go like?"

Jesus. You're a DJ aren't you? Anyway, I proceeded to sing it to him in my inhibitionless state and five minutes later it was on!! He must have liked my rendition.

Stuck with the two for £3 offer and had a couple of Red Sqaure and Reefs in her, dance my ass off and berated the DJ for ages, asking for Baggy Trousers about 6 times. Had a game of hop-scotch on the flashing squares and nearly dove threw the window with a miss-timed leap onto the window sill!!

Moving swiftly on.

The Hogs (Glory be to God)

We went back in here for absolutely no reason whatsoever, it was the like the hokey-kokey, we went in, went out, shook it all about and we were back on the street!

North Korean Light Selling Bitch

"I'll have two please!!"

Yes I bought me and Keith a flashing light necklace each. I know, it was a complete waste of money but stuck up your nose it generates laughs and laughs to me are important.

Blue

"Sorry it's shut."

"Eh? It's only 11pm."

"Shut mate"

"Your the boss"

I guess this a prime example of how not to compete with Walkabout, shutting at a ridiculous time. No thank blue.

Absolut Vodka Bar.

Apparently there was no way I was getting in here with a flashy necklace so I proceeded to break it whilst trying to turn it off.

Get's in, I really can't remember anything of being in here. I'll let KG fill in the memory loss.

(This mean's nothing to me, ahhhhh) Vienna.

Queued for ages in front of this totally miserable bint who actually failed to get in which had us cracked up!! Paid Keith in. Loser.

Had a pint of Vodka and Coke in here which nigh on killed me. There was some mega dancing and according to Keith some big dance tunes but I don't recall. Got another treble vodka and coke but had half of it nicked by the returning Aimee and friends who we had a mad dance about with. Robotic tag - you know the score, the girlies love it!!

My memory is losing the plot here. Aha that's right we walked up Borough Road to Walkabout but on the way and we have proof on Keith's phone, I gave him a lad from my works number and he dialled with 141 of course...sadly no answer.

Walkabout

Paid Keith in, which I'm sure he's forgot. And was accosted by a lovely lass I used to work with who now works for Walkabout selling shots of vile creamy vodka garbage; it went down a treat.

Got a couple of Red Square in here and had a good dance around. Now Grovesy tells me this but apparently when I was getting some drinks in he was grabbed by some horny birds had his shirt stripped and was "almost jizzing in me boxers!" to quote him!!

When I got over to the rape scene I had me glasses nicked by the same bird!! I couldn't see a thing and was 95% sure I wouldn't see my glasses again and they would be crushed in a stampede of drunken Boro deadheads. To my relief, they came back intact and I sloped off for a bit where I bumped into an old schoolmate, Mr Peter Guest, a true legend if there ever was one. We talked for a bit but I let him get on with it and I needed a piss so I went for one, on the way, I spied the croc and do you know something lads I got my entire hand around its open mouth and pulled and I'm not lying it is ripe for removal!

Came back up and felt a bit ill and I think Grovesy was too so we left here, bumped into Peter Guest again and talked for about an hour on old school memoirs - we were in tears of laughter!

Grabbed a double rat burger each and jumped in a Baxi home.

All in all not a bad night really. I'm sure Keith has a plethora of missed moments but I'm not a frigging Elephant, although my waist size says different!!

6.5 out of 10. Good but there's been a lot better.

When I got in, I proceeded to just dial random numbers on my phone and ask for random people.

"Hello?"

"Hi, is Casandra there?"

You get the picture.

I got to work this morning and my phone started ringing.

"Hi, who's this?"

"Who's this?"

"It's Chris Nicholson, you rang me at 3.06 on Sunday morning."

"Right. And?"

"Well, er....

Now I shook him here, he wasn't expecting my Monday morning arrogance and gave a limp

....don't do it again."

"Aye, right oh. Later chief."

Photos

Just put some photos of Dale and Emma's wedding on the site.

Cleck here to see them. And see Gr00ves stealing the limelight YET AGAIN!

Becks - A Sponsor's Dream

Will this twat put his name to anything?

BW Drinking Challenge 2004

Just to let you know that the boys failed in there attempt to visit 20 boozers in 8 hours. They failed after a quite stunning 1 pub. And i quote:

Sack the attempt - it ruins the night out plus you'll struggle to see any of the match.


So Norris Mcwhirter can rest easy in his bed/grave (is he dead? Dunno.) The world championship record for most pubs visited still lies at 11.

Silence is golden

I don't think anyone was able to blog as they were stunned at the sheer awfulness of the "I'm a Chief, you're a Chief" blog.

Had a couple when we wrote that Gr00ves?

How quiet???

Jesus Christ, the Wallet has been quiet, sorry non existence for the last few days in it?

I know I'm a 33% stakeholder in this adventure, so I have to take a third of the blame, so come on lads lets get the Wallet back to what it was!

We owe it to the Wallet!

Friday, September 3

The Challenge.

I'm a Chief, your a Chief, the challenge has been set, the challenge has been accepted.

Only the strongest will survive, who will survive?, that is a question that will be answered tomorrow night.

20 Pubs in 8hrs, can it be done?

Can it be done, can it be done, by God it certainly can, we are no ordinary Drinkers, we are the Chiefs, and we will succeed.

We will leave the rest behind, we will be the last to leave, the last to get a lift home, and probably the last to pull a minger!

There may only be 2 of us, but it has all the makings of an EPIC night out, a night neither of us will forget, a night the rest of Middlesbrough will never and the chief means never forget.

Bring it on.

Tired

Early night I feel, what with the mega day tomorrow. The excitement is building but I need to conserve my energy. This could be a difficult event to compete in! Check back Sunday for the full report on how we got on.

Watched the Office Xmas Special on UK Gold last night and was a bit dissapointed to be honest. It just wasn't very good an reminded how tedious my own office is. I laughed more when me and Keith were doing Brent impressions all the way to work this morning.

Anyhow me PC has a virus so I'm off to cure it.

An Announcement

There are times in our lives when great moments in history are made.

This I believe is one of them.

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, lardheads, deadheads and Chiefs everywhere.

Two men will set out tomorrow to achieve a goal they both believe to be something unique, something magnificent, something only they can do.

These two magnificent specimens, after 5 solid years of intense training, will embark on a journey, a journey across the streets of Middlesbrough whereby they will intake a drink in no less than 20, yes 20, of it's finest hostelries, this ladies and gentlemen is...

The Ultimate Drinking Challenge.

Keith Groves and Michael Heaney will undergo this mammoth endurance test under strict conditions and will not leave Middlesbrough unless they are not fit to continue or they have been thrown out of the last pub.

Asked to comment on the challenge, Keith had this to say,

"I honestly can't fucking wait."

Right Chiefs....

I understand were out on the lash big stylee tomorrow night eh?

Get in there, who's up for starting in the Hogs for 6.00pm?

Am up for a mega sesh me like, I have starved meself of Alcohol all week, and am raring to go!

Middlesbrough town centre look out!

Thursday, September 2

When the dust has settled.....

And when its all said and done (Quote from my WWF fan days), Steel River Blues, was a joke.

I made the fatal error of blogging my opinions on the show far too early, I have certainly learnt by my mistakes.

The Southern Twats can't help but have a go at us, and this so called TV programme had just poured fuel on the fire (no pun intended). They will liken us to Geordies even more now.

Thank You ITV, for making a mokery out of us!

So, what does your name mean?

Keith....Scottish c**t.



Peter..."The Rock"



Me....Like God



The Directors

I have been employed as a blogger for The Directors - a Hull cover band. The site can be found here and The Burnley Wallet are now their official sponsors and will be getting several mentions at all their gigs.

But most of all I'll be earning some beer money for it. Can't be bad.

Noel's Rolls For Sale

The Roll's Royce Alan McGee bought Noel Gallagher is up for sale on e-bay.

Keith, you need a car - might be worth a bid!

Mega Rants

We let some furious anger go tonight haven't we? What pride we have in our hometown.

Steel River Bollocks

The acting, the setting, the pranks, the fake cat, the completely fucking inaccurate locations, basically, the complete wank that ITV calls Steel River Blues aired last night and I am outraged.

I am ashamed to say I'm linked to this programme because I live in Middlesbrough. We don't say "bonny lad" every five minutes. In fact we don't ever say it.

When you stop on a road out near Guisborough or wherever it was to take in the scenery, why was the camera panning across ICI and not the vast amount of goodness that Middlesbrough looks like when viewed from such a point.

Why was a fake Boro player living in a 3 bed in Linthorpe and not in a mega house in Ingleby or Swainby or somewhere like that and when the fireman picked the pciture up it was Colin Cooper!?

Why was there a stereotypical car theft? Okay, suppose that was accurate but it does nothing for the area.

Seriously, was there any need for the child to die? Bit strong wasn't it?

Why were their houses next to a highly dangerous chlorine tank/s? Where does that occur anywhere around here?

Why the fuck do they cross the Newport Bridge to get to Wilton? I mean, what? Just send the lads from Grangetown!

I could go on an on but I won't. It was complete and utter garbage.

ITV, brace yourself for the complaints.

Feedback

So I sent them this:

Having watched this programme last night I would like to comment on how it derided the people, town and professional staff of the police and firefighters. I presume there are easier ways to inject comedy than by having these firefighters play an endless stream of inane pranks on each other. This gave the impression of the firefighters having a distinct lack of professionalism and this will no doubt be carried over into the publics way of thinking.

Also, you may be surprised to know that Middlesbrough is a seperate place from Newcastle, and that the expression "Bonny lad" is rarely heard in these parts.

Yours, a disgruntled Middlesbrough resident.


Cool eh?

Steel River Blues cont. (again)

We here at the Wallet thought Steel River Blues was offensive to our great town, and the wonderful people that live here.

So here's a link to ITV's feedback page. Fill it in, and tell the soft southern twats that we're not all car nicking prank playing curry munching cat squirting tossers.

We demand the respect that any other town gets. And we demand it NOW!

Steel River Blues cont.

Sorry, just thought of this.

Why did the bloke go to a highly hazardous chemical plant to shaft that bird?

He ignored the safety precautions by leaving his engine running, and shouldn't he have been at work? They asked where he was when they got the call out.

Plus, Teesside is renowned for its coastal and countryside areas. surely these are dark enough for a bit of rumpy-pumpy?

Plus he was parked about 20 yards from a terrace of houses!

Grrrrrr.

Steel River Blues

Well thanks very fucking much ITV.

As if we haven't got a bad enough reputation as it is, they show everyone in Teesside to be either a total moron, or totally unprofessional. Surely Cleveland fire brigade haven't seen the cat bit? I tmust have been a cracking shock to them last night.

From the perma-prank firemen to the copper taking calls from his missus whilst at work it made the people of Middlesbrough look shoddy and incompetent. And Wilton is just a shithole. Why not have proper Middlesbrough lads playing the parts instead of some second rate geordies and that fat bloke who fell off his motor bike in Corrie? And the bloke with the speech impediment! What the fu.......

Anyway. This program wouldn't have been watched by me if it had not been set in Teesside. It's from the makers of Heartbeat and Where the Heart Is, and is coated in that horrible sickly sweet "isn't everything terrible/no it's not too bad" sheen.

I just didn't work. It didn't even make sense! Was that the copper's missus shagging in the back of the motor before it went up? Still not sure me. If it was, why? don't we get an explanation? Or were there too many parts to go round so she had to play two people? And the fat bloke in the house! What the fu........

In conclusion. Total utter drivel. ITV should be ashamed.

I'm watching next weeks though, in case I know anyone.

The 1st episode of Steel River Blues (SRB)....

has come and gone, Opinions on it lads.

For me it was OK, the only reason I watched it was because it is local, or supposed to be. Will I watch next week?? Probably.

Worst Bits = The Chief saying 'Bonnie Lad' too many times, too many Geordie accents, the plot about the explosion at Wilton, as if they bucking in the middle of a chemical plant?? The Boro lad knicking his car, cheers ITV.

Best Bits = Was the cat at the start called JUNINHO??, if so nice one, The opening scene showing glorious Teesside, The picture of Colin Cooper, The fit lasses in the control room, Newport Bridge, and the best bit by far the 'Come on Boro' at the end.

All in all not bad.

Wednesday, September 1

Jurassic 5

I know just how good this album is even though I hate rap and how much of a loss it is to Peter.

So here are my two fave tracks snipped down and linked from http://www.mp3.com which is a mighty fine site.

Concrete Schoolyard

Action Satisfaction

Excellent, that's one xmas prezzie sorted.

So, what does your name mean?

Well?

Here's mine...

MICHAEL m

Usage: English, German, Czech, Biblical

Pronounced: MIE-kul

From the Hebrew name Miyka'el which meant "who is like God?". This was the name of one of the seven archangels in Hebrew tradition and the only one identified as an archangel in the Bible. In the Book of Revelation in the New Testament he is portrayed as the leader of heaven's armies, and thus is considered the patron saint of soldiers. This was also the name of nine Byzantine emperors and a czar of Russia. Other more modern bearers of this name include the 19th-century chemist/physicist Michael Faraday and basketball player Michael Jordan.

Twok the Yellow Car

As we enjoy pissing taxi drivers off - steal their car in this logical thinking game.

Mikey's 3 Picks.

Well, the food on offer in Teesside is quite frankly awesome. There are some hidden treats and I'm going to give a quick rundown on three in particular - my faves. Etsuko, Barnacles and The Waterwheel.

Etsuko is a brand new Japanese Restaurant that has opened in the rapidlly developing Boro leisure complex just off the A66. I went there just last week and got the Honey Lemon Chicken. It was awesome. I never like chicken but this was like heaven in my mouth, it just tasted so good. Plus it was the first time I had eaten with chopsticks and it was a good experience. Its reasonably priced and it is almost clinical in there - so clean and well presented.

Barnacles. This has ecome a treat of mine every so often a large bag of chips from what has to be the best chippy in Teesside. The chips are just off the hook - superb. A large bag gets you about eight decent shovels of chips, lathered in salt and vineger and they just leave you aching for more! All for £1.50!!

The Waterwheel. Now this is just genius, like Keith mentioned, this another carvery. You go up to the service area and ask for you selection.

"Ham please."

And the guy gives you a slab like a frigging doorstop - its amazing, then you just help yourself to roasties, Yorkshire pud, bacon and sausages, veg and then a mega desert and all this in a country pub setting out near Whitby. And it's cheap. You can't beat it. Only The Toby comes close (Marton Road, Middlesbrough).

Your Fave NON alcoholic drink?

After Mikey's blog about Lemon Fanta, I pose the Question Fave all time non alcoholic drink?

For me you cant beat Asda's own Fresh Juice.

2004 Fatboy Challenge.

Remember this? Well its the end of August and the results are in.

The winner I think is Pete who seems to have lost a bit but only through sheer fear when performing his Best Mans Speech.

I've put a good half stone on due to a staple diet of bacon and sausage butties for lunch at work.

And Keith has put about two stone on drinking approximately 40 pints of Stella a week.

We ought to be proud for not giving in to Government peer pressure.

Where's Pete?

Now hats off to the I.T wizz, setting up our Adverts and what not, and if it wern't for him the wallet wouldn't be any where near as good as what it is.

But where is he??

Has he and Jo done a bunk to Gretna Green to get hitched with out telling anyone?

Or his he swimming Scrooge McDuck style in our profits from the adverts?

What ever your doing "Get back on here man!"

Lemon Fanta Ice Lolly Results

Ice lolly maker was forgotten by its owner.

We just drank it in its liquid state. It's sublime!

Geordie River Blues

What is guaranteed to happen tonight: -

"Wor bonny lad, ya canny gan setting fire to petrol station down toon ya nar. Gan and find us ye parents son and mek sure ya gan doon St James to watch the Geordies stuff the Smoggies on Satuurday."

We don't speak like that so hopefully ITV won't portray us like that or otherwise they will feel the BW wrath!!!

Other than that, I am proud to announce we are officially backing Steel River Blues all the way and a full report will appear here very Thursday!! Now Bad Lads Army has finished this has certainly been a very timely addition to the TV schedules.

Favourite Lager

Self explanatory really.

I'll have a stella if you're buying, but only in pints and/or in bottle. Not cans.

Mmmmm, food............

My favourites are:

Belle Vue Fisheries - Possibly the finest curry/chips/fish/parmo/pizza shop in the world.

The Lotus Garden - Hartlepool's; no, the worlds finest chinese restaurant.

Marton Way Toby Carvery - Just nice, plentiful food for a decent price.

Nightmare

I've just took the dog for a quick stroll, and decided to take my portable disc-thingummy with me for some background noise. Rather than talking to the dog and attracting some strange looks.

I took my beloved Jurassic-5 album with me. Possibly my second favourite hip-hop album.

I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW SCRATCHED IT IS! UNLISTENABLE!

I think the CD fairies have tried to piss me off.

Little buggers eh?

Gutted.

Charl

Cheers for the guestbook entry!! Anyone deciphered it yet?

800 and counting

Chalk 'em up!! The hits just keep on coming. Nice work lads.

Cordon Bleau!

As Mikey has just pointed I have visited 3 eating establishments inside a week. They are

  • Joe Rigatoni's, Teesside finest Italian.
  • Coulby Farm, located in Coulby Newham, part of the Wacky Warehouse chain.
  • The Mermaid, located in Marske, specialises in Carvery's.

Now these are 3 very different restaurants.

Joe Rigatoni's is very expensive, I paid £9.25 for a Parmo and £2.40 for a pint of Coca Cola.

Coulby Farm, has a great offer where its buy one get one free on a whole variety of meals, for £6.00 two of us got healthy portions of Stake and Ale pie and Lasagna, very good value for money and excellent service as it was extremely busy when I was there.

The Mermaid, The carvery is superb, a selection of meats and vegetables are on offer, and its help yourself so me being me I filled my plate, only I couldn't manage all of it. The best part of it was the price £2.99, spot on. Be careful mind on a Sunday they charge a whopping £7.99 for the same meal. And a second note it goes up to £3.99 after 5pm.

In summary I would say my fave out of the 3 would have to be Mermaid purely for the price and the quality.

Fellow Walleteers your thoughts and opinions on Teesside's Scran Houses.

Racing corrupt?

So top jockey Kieron Fallen plus other racing personalities have been arrested in connection with fixing Horse Races.

Too be honest it won't effect my punting, just because some jockey has took a bung to lose a race, wont stop me. It's a game of chance after all.

Not sure if Joey is a big horse racing fan, but would be interested for his comments, being a gambler.

Steel River Blues

Are us walleteers, giving this Teesside set TV show our full backing?

Its a new TV Drama about a fire brigade, set in glorious Teesside.

I will be watching, just to see if I can recognise any local landmarks.

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