Tuesday, August 31

The new Boro shirts.

Just a quick note for any potential, new Boro shirt buyers.

Sacka, who is the skinniest bloke I know, had to get size XXL, so what chance do us porkers have of getting one to fit?

No chance thats what.

True Story

Heard this one today and nearly died laughing.

This lad gets pissed up one night and he stumbles in, feeling quite randy but unfortunately it's way past a time when there is some stuff on TV to, you know, watch.

Anyway he catches hold of a sex line phone number and 8 minutes later when he has managed to press the correct buttons in the correct order he finally gets in touch with a lovely lass (45 year old housewife from Doncaster). They start chatting and he's really getting into it but at the same time his true loyalties kick in and he begins to wonder how Boro got on in the Premiership so, in his wisdom he sticks Sky Sports News on at the same time and starts watching that.

He's so drunk and trying to do two, sorry three things at once burns up his brain power until eventually he can barely manage a response and gradually just passes out.

Guess what.

The phone is still on, so the poor lad is sleeping away, this lass thinks she's having phone sex with Matt Lorenzo off Sky Sports and his phonebill is getting higher and higher.

The lad wakes up a couple of hours later. A little bit sober and his head is pounding, he looks around at the scene and wonders what the hell happened. Sky Sports News is on, his flies are undone and his mobile is on the floor.

He picks it up.

Hang on, his phone is on here! He clutches the handset to his ear and receives a looped tape of orgasmic screaming.


He hangs up, dials 150 to check his balance and is dumbfounded.



Pure Profile

So the other day I signs up for Pure Profile and expected to be making a few bucks on the side answering e-mailsdand surveys and stuff in my spare time, which lets be honest is quite a lot. Why not put it to good use I thought and earn some drinking cash. Since joining I have received bugger all from them.

By the way chaps if you're thinking of joining don't until they ask me to refer some people and then I can earn some cash.

Monday, August 30

We Love It!

More Moider, She Wrote! We love this, but I hate her.



And just to crack Pete up,


"It's funny, because it's true." Fat Tony.

The Zackmeister

1 year old today. Pete and Jo's dog needs more publicity on the BW I think!

Happy Birthday Zacky!

Murder, She Wrote

So I'm flicking the channels in my Bank Holiday boredom and stumbling upon BBC 1's cutting edge schedule, a question hit me, perhaps more profound than the meaning of life.

Does anybody like the woman out of Murder She Wrote?

I really hate her.

High Speed Video

Some cool stuff on here. The Moth one is good.

Saturday and Sunday

Was alcohol free for me.

Saturday I went to the Boro match (See the prem site for match report), and stayed in watching the olympics on Saturday night. Whcih by the way was truley unreal, Kelly Holmes is a ledge, winning the double, and what a performance by the relay team in the 4x100M. Beating the yanks by 100th of a second, its even better beating the yanks.

Sunday I went to the Coulby Farm for my dinner (No lager with me lunch, proud lads?) and then watched Bolton V Liverpool.

Just basically a chill out weekend after a busy week.

After Whitby.

After getting off the train, I tried to persuade Al to pop in the Ogs (+) for a pint but his lass was picking him up, then the penny dropped, "Hean's out tonight aint he"

Several texts later I finally met up with him and his crew in Llyods, after me pint in the Ogs I didnt spend another penny until my Parmo at like 1.45am!

Cheers to Mikey's mate for the VRB, and shots of minging stuff! Washed your hair yet Mike??

See Mikey's blog for what happened. However some notable happenings he unbelievably forgot to mention.

  • Whilst in Walkabout, I was trying to dance to the James song "Sit down" I crouched down to far and fell over, in the mean time spilling/landing in some pink shite, and staining my shirt.
  • Also in Walkabout there were some serious dancing to Baggy Trousers, thats defo the song of the moment.
  • At the end of the night after I had scoffed me parmo, we were walking to get a taxi when we saw these 3 black blokes getting some grief off 2 lads and 2 lasses, it turned out the black lads had tried to "Feel up" the lasses, verbals were exchanged, then Mikey starts dishing out this grief to the lads, who were now half way up Linthorpe Rd, Mikey starts chasing them, I thinks to meself I cant leave him on his own, so I gave follow, we eventually caught up with them, and we asking them what had happened, the couple then caught us up and the lass starts whacking one of them with her hand bag, I almost pissed meself laughing, it was starting to get a bit nasty, and i thought fisticuffs where inevitable, just at that the police came "Everything OK lads" was the shout from the car, "Its all under control officer" was my reply, they then buggered off, I couldnt believe it. I'm not one to hold grudges, the lasses and lads then shook hands with the black lads, and everything was peaceful again, as they had there way down Linthorpe Rd, I grabbed the eldest lad, and in my best Teesside voice went "Come here Chief" and gave him the biggest bear hug ever. Mikey was pissing himself laughing!

An awesome day!

Please note, Black lads is not meant to be racist in any way, it was the only way to describe them!

Friday's trip to Whitby.

On Friday I took a trip to the Costa Del Whitby with a lad from work.

There was supposed to be 4 of us, but people dropped out and that left me and Al. We boarded the 10.25 train to Whitby from Middlesbrough station, it took a frigging hour and half, and stopped at 16 stations before arriving at the sunshine resort of Whitby at 11.57am.

We went staright to the nearest pub to find out who Boro drew in the first round of the Uefa Cup, to our dissapointment a dont think Whitby's finest drinkng establishments have heard of Sky Sports as we couldnt find it anywhere. However thanks to a text from Pete we eventually found out it was the Czech Champs Banik Ostrava.

The Majority of boozers in Whitby don't actually sell the more well known produced lagers, so we ended up supping Ayengabru (That lethal stuff they sell in the Cali). We went in about 8 pubs thru out the day. Not one selling Stella, we were devoed!

One other point, It was Folk week in Whitby, so the majority of pubs had these funny dressed starnge people playing musical instruments, just what 2 lads out on the lash need eh?? One women's instrument was a pole, and it had used bottle tops stuck on the side, well strange!

We ended up playing pool against the regulars in one of the last pubs we went in, we couldn't be beat, plus we were well pissed by now. Our record was played 5 won 5. We retired un defeated champs. One game we played, was agaisnt these 2 loud mouth Geordies, we got great pleasure in beating these 2 lardheads!

In the final pub we were in, by now were staggering about the place, I looked over to the DJ booth, and swiftly swiped 3 CD's. Also in here, they have the drink-o-meter thingy majig, where when ya buy your drink you have to press a button and that determines if your drink is, Full Price, Half price, 2 for 1, or Free Drink, good old KG got them for nowt.

We also watched Amir Khan destroy his opponent in here, which was good.

The time had come for us to go and catch our train, it was now 7.15pm. We boarded the train home and we still couldnt get away from the bloody Folk singers, they were on the frigging train home, "oh well, if ya cant beat em join em" we thought, we starting making up our own words and cheering loud as fuck when they finished a song, another good point about it was there was a mega cheap bar on board, £1.20 for a beer, althjo it was beer and not Lager, never mind.

The train got back into town for 8.45pm, a cracking day out!

Here's Grovesy

Whats with all the grief lads??

A mean Jeez!!

Check out me word count.


This is my 300th post. Three cheers lads.

Day Off

No-one blogged yesterday! A rare occurence.

Well I know me and Peter couldn't as we were at Pete's surprise engagement party. But as for Groves I think he needs to explain his actions.

I tell you it's been like James Bond around here keeping it quiet and when Peter came on chat to ask if I was going to a BBQ at Jo's mam's house I just didn't know what to say! Did he know? But the plan was it was a do for Emma and Phil (Jo's bro) newborn baby.

No BBQ but some sublime chip butties and all the booze was free and a great day was had by all.
Plus I now have that damned Bedingfield in my head.


Come on Groves, we know your life consists of sitting in the 'Ogs (+) sinking several of Mr. Artois' finest, but you must be able to blog something? It's hard work sitting through a weekly round up you know.


A big thankyou to everyone involved in the secret party yesterday, from me and Joanne.

Hot Pole Dancing Game

More x rated stuff on the Wallet - what are we coming to!?

Pulp Fiction

Your ears will bleed and its gets boring after 10 seconds. But anything with the Travolta Eye Swipe is worth posting.

Dancing Travolta.

Saturday, August 28


What do you reckon to this boys? Split the profits three ways?

Works Night Out

So it was Peter Constantine's last day at work so a night out was organised round Middlesbrough. For someone who's worked for 26 years there it was an appaling turn out - there was 8 or so people from a potential 150ish.

I started in TS1 - Pete gave us a lift up, thank you Pete - I was there a good 40 minutes before anyone else so hit the fruity hard. It was the Lord of the Rings one but it was just so featureless. Won about £8 altogether so I was pleased with that!

Slowly but surely people started to arrive and the drinks started flowing. Matthew, Burnley Wallet Superfan, joined the fray and reported the best bus journey of his life: -

"I'm on the bus right and there's these two lads at thr front doing Craig David impressions (i.e Bo Selecta I think) and a few stops later this big black dude gets on, sits oppostie these two lads and eventually, after much talking, challenges them to a rap showdown. So this black guy starts and he was awesome! When he finished and this was the funny thing - the whole bus applauded!!"

Anyway, we had a few pints of lager in here and then moved on to The Dickens Inn. As we approached the door, the big guy Keith G gives us a call after his all day boozing marathon at Whitby.

"Hean, where are ya? I'm just gettign to the Hogs now, erry up and come into town."

"I'll text ya - be in Lloyds probably next."

Had a pint of Arc in here. Man that stuff is mind blowing so once finished, which took a while mind you I had a couple of Smirnoff Ices. Had a go on the touch screen game in here on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire" and the combined brain power of myself and Matthew got up to £125,000 which was equivalent to a fiver. Then what happened? It crashed and we were left stranded with an uncollected £5 and an unused £1 credit. Called the chief round from the bar to have a look and he just gave us it in cash from the till. Nice one!

So we left there and jumped in a taxi to Lloyds, Groves was outside so we all went in - jugs of Vodka Red Bull all round. Well one, split three ways. But then we had another and another and another and I think Matthew paid for all of them!!

Then the three of us got a little experimental and tried some shots out. God knows what they were but they were harsh. Several shots later and I had stolen a no smoking sign and had it hidden up my shirt. The first time I've ever had a flat stomach, believe you me. I also have a vague memory of being stood on a chair dancing in here.

I do remember snorting vodka red bull off the bar only for Keith to pour VRB all over my head the bastard! What a waste.

We left here, soaked and sadly without my no-smoking sign as the bouncer saw it slip out of my shirt - we tried to steal it again but he saw the whole thing!

I did however steal a shot glass and it now stands proudly in my bedroom.

After leaving Lloyds we went a bit crazy and assaulted Matthew with an 'all pile on' which was funny as!! Grovesty tells me he thinks he cracked a rib!

We walked up round to Walkabout and of course we paid respects to the Hogs (+). Gets in Walkabout and had some nice refreshing water. Ahhh. The band was hot and played some mega tunes and we had a good slide around on what I am now calling "The Deathtrap Dancefloor". Slippery fella!

Some major leaping about and crazed dancing in here, mad as. I would love to watch a CCTV of us - it could save Saturday Night TV! I challeneged the aftershave toilet man in Walkabout to a rap off but he declined. He obviously saw my potential.

Everyone slowly left and it was pretty empty in there come 1.30ish. Me and the KG left and prowled the streets searching for trouble. Sorry, searching for Parmo, then searching for trouble. Groves got a Parmo, I got nothing! Then we walked around a bit more then had a bit of a run in but nothing came of it. I'll let KG fill you in, just remember Groves - I wasn't there!

Got a taxi home and gave the driver some major stick, seems to be a new hobby of ours. Got in and went to bed about 3.00am.

Class night out. 7 out of 10.

Lemon Fanta Ice Lollys

Take one can of lemon fanta, put in ice lolly container, freeze, consume. That's the plan for work on Tuesday were we will be "freezing the fizz". Anyone ever tried it? Is it going to be the next big taste sensation? Results on Tuesday.

Thursday, August 26

It's been a while.

Feels like its been years since a blogged, so I thougt I best get me arse into gear and do some top notch blogging.

Its been a mega week for me a tells ya.

I'll start by congratulating Dale and Emma for tieing the knot, may they have a long and happy life together.

The Wedding as Mikey and Pete have already blogged about was a truley awesome day, giggling in the church, totsy swearing in the church, me splitting my trousers (so early on), Pete's speech, Mikey drinking 10 pints (still couldn't keep up with me like), the tucker, the whiskey, the football, the snooker, the dancing, Baggy Trousers, the hitch hiker, all the lads together and giving Dale the bumps (so close to the fan a tells ya).

One word would sum up the day, BRILLIANT.

Your next Pete.

Sunday I did fuck all, except watch The Mighty Reds put up a cracking display agaisnt an Awesome Arsenal side, brilliant match. Boro eventually got beat 5-3, now how many sides will score 3 at Highbury this season?

Monday was back work after my week off and I had shit loads of cathcing up to do, it gets to 4pm, and a few emails later there were 4 of us in the Hogs (+) supping Stella, after a nightmare first day back at work, I strolled in our house after Mikey picked us up about 9ish.

Tuesday, went to work with a slight hangover, one of the lads from work Allan, tells me his Grandad had just died, I asked him if he fancied taking a half day and going to get lashed. He did, best thing for him I suppose, so we gets to the Hogs (+) for 12ish, and start drinking Stella like its going outta fashion, I got told yesterday I had 12 pints, Ouch!!!! Mikey again picked us up at around 9, I think 9 hrs of Stella is enough for anyone.

Wednesday, again managed work with a hangover, we wemt to the Hogs (+) at diner time, howver I only managed an Orange, I hang my head. After work we were going to Joe Rigatoni's, the town fave Italian restaurant, we were there as Amy had just returned from a 4 month career break, she has been working in Magaluf. So I left work at 4.15, telling everyone I was drinking tonight as I had had enough the last 2 days, "Yeah right Keith" was the response. I got our shaz to drop us off at 6pm. Everyone else turned up all 11 of us and we sat down, I had a Parmo, which was spot on, altho slightly expensive at £9.25. NOTE: I had a pint of Coke with my meal which cost me £2.40. £2.40 thats the pric eof a Stella in the Hogs (+). Unreal how does that discourage drink driving???????

Anyhow, enough of this politics, We left Joe Riggas at 7.40ish, and it was straight on the blower to Mikey as Boro were playing tonight away to Fulham,

"Hean, how Boro getting on??"

"Nil Nil, it only kicked off 30 seconds ago" was Mikey's reply.

"Chance of Regular text updates?"

"Quid a text" was again Mikey's reply.

The robbing get!!

Anyhow by now we were in the house, I admit I cant say "NO" to the booze, altho I did take it steady all night I promise. We stayed in here watching the match (Newcastle V Norwich), and generally talking to Amy bout her time in Magaluf, the night wore and daft Rob (Wob) from Guizzy started drinking at an astonishing rate. People started daring him to down drinks here is a list of what he consumed in no more than 30 mins.

  • 2 Double Vodka and Red bulls
  • 2 pints of Tetley's
  • 1 pint of Diesel
  • 1 Aftershock
  • 2 double Black Sambuca.

He was mortal, however still quite funny and to be honest he ran the show. Emma gave me a lift home at which I arrived back home around 11.15pm.

When I got home I stuck Sky's new football show on Football First, which shows highlights of the nights games, I swiftly hit the Red Button, and started watching the Boro, we were steady away in the first half, very professional and then hit Fulham on the break with a well worked goal, Mark Viduka smashing home his first goal for the club on his debut. Szilard Nemeth then wraped things up late on, with a cool finish.

Great Day all round!

Today (Thursday) was my late night at work, so I didn't get in til 8.15pm (Unbelievably no STELLA today)

On Friday 4 of us from work are heading to Whitby for a day on the lash, train leaves Middlesbrough at 10.25am, and the last train home is at 7.15, I can see me ringing Mikey at closing time, "Come pick us up please, av missed the train", HAHAHAHAHA!

I shall blog me activites about Friday on Saturday.

Have a good weekend boys.

Hitch Hike

Had Groves scoured the internet before wow-ing us with his latest dance sensation, the "Hitch-Hike"?

Methinks he had.

Made my day

I really hope this works, it's right down my alley.

Wednesday, August 25

Wedding Follow Up

Just some more stuff because it really was a great day. Our ma had her photos developed that she took - some excellent ones in there - a class one of me stood up and Grovesy peeking in at the bottom of the shot. There's one of Peter doing the Timewarp with Joanne's mam. There's a one of us all in the Lu Lu huddle as well. I shall have to get the IT Harry Potter to see if he can scan and post them somewhere - Pete, your walleteers need you!

And of course there's one of us all dancing to this.

Tuesday, August 24

My week off (up to now)

Monday: Did very little. The wife-to-be had a severe migraine so i sent her to bed. Played on Champo Manno for a couple of hours.

Tuesday: Metro Centre/Ikea. Drove back at a mind numbing 45 mph due to adverse weather conditions. Tidied up spare bedroom. Tidied up "computer room". Blogged. Spoke to Mike. Drank some beer. Watching the match in a bit.

And that's it up to now.

Best Mans Speech Follow Up

So I let Peter have a read of the best man's speech - I think mortified is a good word.

"Mike, it's obscene."

Groves - get married quick so I can use this five star material!!


Scroll your mouse to the end point - thing is you can't see it. Invisible mouse game - here.

Works Night Out

Ooooh, it's nearly Friday and I am hitting Middlesbrough with a furious anger following the dissapointment of two weeks ago. I will have just been paid and do you know, I'm quite looking forward to it!

Best Man's Speech

I sat down last night and wrote my best mans speech or indeed a good solid foundation to build on for Peter's wedding - a good seven month away. Nowt like being prepared. I rang Keith up and gave it the full run through! I'll let him give you the verdict but put it this way he couldn't breathe.

Peter's Week Off

Come on then you hairy git - what have you been up to?!


I also went to a Christening on Sunday. Cheryl and Paul's son Joshua (Cheryl works at the same place as me) was the subject as well as two others. I was completely knackered from the day before and spent most of it just staring into space giggling every so often as a wedding memory entered my head. Very nice ceremony and the Priest very funny which is unusual. Nice church as well (St Nicholas Parish in Guisborough).

There was three children christenened and one was clearly a lot older and bigger than the others prompting a comment "It's Billy Bunter innit?" which had me off again in stitches.

Then it was all round the The King's Head up the High Street for a few pints then we came home - got in about 2.30pm and went to bed.

Baggy Trousers

Since we all danced our asses off to Madness' hit I thought it was appropriate to point out that I failed to mention the fact Keith managed to split his trousers dead early on and was self concious of the fact throughout the day. His attitude soon changed and split trousers or no split trousers "The Hitchiker" - although seen before many a time - has been officially accepted as a dance move!

Monday, August 23

Dale and Emma's Wedding

I've gathered my thoughts, the memoirs have been shared, Peter's speech still hasn't been found. Here's the wedding in full....

Gets up and ready and what have you - running slightly late so I rings Keith up. Approx 10.40am - the wedding starts at 11am mind you.



"I'm running a bit late!"


"Groves its 10.40!!"


What a wind up - the giggling fit had started already. I was petrified of making a complete arse of myself in the church by giggling and having the Priest to tell me to be quiet. I did laugh but had enough control to prevent a scene.

The church was just hilarious. I get's there and myself and Groves are greeted by the priest. Keith's first.

"Good Morning, welcome to St Anne's"

"Alright Chief."

I am so glad I never heard him and was told at the reception later.

In we goes and were joined by Tottsy sporting a scar 3 inches across his scalp.

"Now then lads, alright? I'm completely fucked me, got fucking arseholed last night."

"Eeeh Christ, I shouldn't be fucking swearing in here!"

Anyhow, the service got going and the proceedings began and all in all it was a nice ceremony. There was some funny as stuff going on - I couldn't stop laughing. How immature!

It finished, got a taxi down to the Peters Social off Terry - the bloke who picked us up last week - he owed Keith a taxi so we were sorted.

The prices were the work of God in here - £2.96 for two pints of Extra Cold Carling. At first I thought she'd entered it in the till wrong. Hang on. She hadn't! WOOOHOOO!!!

So there was me, Keith, Claire and Steven Merkin, Tottsy, Tony Lane - anyone else? Anyhow we got absolutely hammered on Carling and let the events roll on - Dale and Emma had the first dance and what have you. Peter and Joanne had joined us by then only to tell us he'd lost his speech! Oh man.

He got thoroughly wound up and the nerves they were a jangling. So he turned a slight shade of green and then before too long he was called up to the top table.

10 minutes later he hit us with the biggie. There was a couple of classic gags which nobody got except those with an education and he did well considering he lost it. We drank a toast - some disgusting whisky - I ended up wiht about 6 shots in my glass but just had a sip. Dale's Uncle Peter finished it off. Dale's equivalent Uncle Knobhead for those Peter Kay fans out there.

Graham - Emma's Dad was up next and his speech was short as well but to the point and now it was time for a good piss up. C'mon!

We had already taken the piss out of the DJ who was going for the Tony Montana lookalike 2004 - his shirt unbuttoned down to the naval and more facial craters than the moon. And the music? Man it was bad. I think Steps and "5,6,7,8" was first if I remember rightly.

Had loads to drink a top laugh - about 8 or 9 pints - and then it was time for everyone to get out while they tidied up for the night do.

Myself, Keith, Russell (Dale's bro and usher) and Tony Lane (Dale's mate and usher) and a couple of others went down stairs to watch the results and Man Utd match. I was dying in here so resprted to a good old fashioned couple of pints of water and they brought me round and we were soon playing snooker. I played off against Tony Lane and Keith played the pissed Russell. Pretty good laugh!

I felt this two hours just flew by and before I knew it we were back up at the night do. Oh man it was just genius some of this. There's probably loads of stuff I'll miss but it was damned funny.

I turned to my saviour Vodka Red Bull - well Vodka and Energy (The Peter's Social Club's cash and carry equivalent) which was £1.79 a glass - oh yeah!! The music picked a notch and there was some dodgy dancing going on.

Lost Tottsy as he went off in the search of romance.

Russell was paralytic by now and was dancing "Jacko stylee" in the middle.

Claire and Steven Merkin returned and joined us.

Quite a few of Keith's family joined the party too as after all Keith's mam had provided the evening buffet.

I got ribbed about the arrival of Chaz.

Eventually my Mam and Dad joined us to.

So anyhow, inhibitions were lost after a while, the drink had kicked in and the confidence was high.

I asked for anything by Franz Ferdinand to be put on - his reply?

"Who are they?"

Dunno if it was Keith but someone asked - "DJ, ya gonna stick Cha Cha Slide on?"

And do you know - he obliged!

Fuck me - half the room got up - it was classic. Groves gets up and instead of joining the group - stands at the front and dictates the play with the best dance move creation ever - "The Hitchhiker!!!!" and I followed it up with the "Offbeat Clap".

Then I think the DJ tried to kill us!! He hit us with Cotton Eye Joe which was genius - some of the most disorganised dosie-doe you've seen. Just five or ten minutes later after a request for Madness' "Baggy Trousers" all the lads from the Blackpool Stag Do were asked to remain on the dancefloor - I couldn't stop laughing, absolutely brilliant.

Then everyone had an hours rest and caught their breath for a bit - believe me that was truly knackering.

Don't recall much of from then until the end when he stuck Lu Lu's "Ya make me want to shout!" on - all the lads in a big circle spinning one way and then changing direction - this also nearly killed me. What I found hilarious was that Sadsack - Tony Lane's brother just couldn't break the circle and no-one would let him in!! Basically because nobody likes him.

Then we collapsed in a heap - or a "All Pile On Dale" if you will!! When we got up we proceeded to give him a few throws into the air not realising there was an airconditioning fan just above him - I tell ya mere inches!!

Well that about sums it up I think. I'm sure KG and Pete will let me know if there's anything I missed.

It was a class day and I'd like to wish Dale and Emma all the very best for the future.

The Wedding

Well it all went well in the end.

Even though I "lost" my speech, I still managed to get the odd chuckle from the assembled masses. I think a few of them will get one of the jokes around about Thursday lunchtime.

So big up to Dale and Emma who go to Cyprus this wednesday, so any would be burglars out there can get their swag bags ready.

Saturday, August 21

Tribute to the Little Fella.

Bit of a tear jerker this like, taken from the Streets.

In one single moment your whole life can turn 'round
I stand there for a minute starin’ straight at the ground
Lookin’ to the left slightly, then lookin’ back down
World feels like it’s caved in – proper sorry frown
Please let me show you where we could only just be, for us
4 - 3 - 1 - 2, we could adjust
The wicked thing about us is we always have trust
We can even have an open relationship, if you must
I look at him, he stares almost straight back at me
But his eyes glaze over like he’s lookin’ straight through me
Then his eyes must have closed for what seems an eternity
When they open up he’s lookin’ at Parkhead

Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but his mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to more than just a carling cup
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over

So then I move my hand up inside me pants
It's shakin’, my life is crashin’ no more TLF inspired wanks
Turn the palm of my hand up to face the skies
Touch the me season ticket, think about Ricketts pies
‘Cause I can’t imagine my life without you and me
There’s things I can’t imagine doin’, things I can’t imagine seein’
It weren't supposed to be easy, surely
Please, please, not a Bosman, please
But the Ginners gone and done it
we loved him, so Ginners set him free

Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but his mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to more than just a carling cup
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over

And I’m just standin’ there,
I can’t say a word
‘Cause everythin’s just gone
I’ve got nothin’
Absolutely nothin’
It's Arsenal away

Tryin’ to pull him close out of bare desperation
Put my arms around the taxi driver whose takin him to the station
I’m not gonna fucckin’, just fuckin’ leave it all now
‘Cause you said we'd be in Europe, and that was your vow
And you’re gonna let our things simply crash and fall down
You’re well out of order now, this is well out of town
he pulls away, my arms are tightly clamped round his waist
The coppers gently push me back and he looks at me straight
(they've more time on their hands since the Maggots sold Woodgate)
Takes one step forward, looks back, and then walks away

Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but his mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to more than just a carling cup
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over

Friday, August 20


Tomorrow is nigh. And the winds are high. But look to the Sky on channel 979.

Red Hot Amatuers....c'mon!

Good God, boredom has gripped me so I'm gonna blog my ass off.

I'm all nervous about tomorrow, I fear a monumental giggling fit between myself and Keith reminiscent of Emma McBride in History circa 1998. Bought some new shoes today to wear at the wedding and very swish they are. I will be most dapper come 11am tomorrow.

Staying with the wedding, apparently the reception ends at 4pm and we get kicked out? This is surely shum mishtake Mr Bond? I am not crossing the way to Southbanks Commercial pub to be threatenend by its finest residents.

"Ere mate, got any spare change?"

"No." Is not an option they are willing to consider and neither is "Fuck off and get a job."

By the way Keith - like they have Sky Sports in Southbank. They don't even have clean running water.

The day after tomorrow (No not the film), with what could possibly be the hangover to end all hangovers, particularly considering it's club prices at the reception venue, I then have to go to a christening in Guisborough - talk about opposite ends of the scale.

The sun is shining down on us today and I hope and prey its here for the weekend. Things are just generally better when it's sunny.

I thought Keith's lo-down on yesterday's racing was classic.

Eeeh well, what else has happened? Bad Lads Army was classic yesterday - Kyprianou got headbutted. That's all you really needed to see - but it was brilliant.

Been down Asda for the wedding card - managed to completely screw up what I wrote in it but I think I got away with. Then I remembered I'd left the price tag on after sealing the envelope. Jeez. At least it was a half decent card that cost a couple of quid. Not like them 17p recycled ones from Cradocks in Eston. Cradocks being the cheapest, nastiest shop you've ever been in. Think League of Gentlemen but worse. It even has it's own catchphrase...

"Thank you."

...said in the best voice you've heard. If you're ever in there in a long cue I'll bet you any money you will laugh. He serves the customers at rapid pace and each one gets a...

"Thank you"

...all at the same pitch and volume. Genius.

Back to the shoes - when buying them I approached the counter where there stood a big black guy in glasses ready to serve me. What line did he hit me with?

"Now then Chief, how are you today?"

I was gobsmacked.

That's our catchphrase!!!! Not only did he call me Chief but it was in a cockney accent. A legend was born.

Papa Bear and Mama Bear have left me on my lonesome. Thats me Mam and Dad to the unitiated as they have gone to the Edinburgh Military Tattoo so I'm all on my lonesome tonight. Aww bless. They did of course need dropping in Middlesbrough this morning which meant I got to work for 7.45am. Ouch. And I nearly resigned today as well which wasn't a good moment but hey work ain't allowed on here so I shall stop right there.

Roll on tomorrow!!!

Apparently I'll be bucking Chaz by 8.30pm! Keiths words not mine.

View my Guestbook

So Richard from wolist has signed the guestbook. Good on him I say. Cheers dude! Although when I clicked the link it went to Badminton, in the Phillipines.

He's obviously read the site in detail. Dick.

Death List

Completely shocking - but who's your prediction for the next one?

4 Quick Questions

1: You are competing in a race, and overtake the runner lying in second place. In which position are you now?

2: If you overtake the last runner, what position are you now in?

3: Take 1000. Add 40. Add another 1000. Add 30. 1000 again. Plus 20. Plus 1000. And plus 10. What is the total?

4: Marie's father has five daughters: 1. Chacha 2. Cheche 3. Chichi 4. Chocho 5. ????

Got your answers? Go here to check them.

This time tomorrow.

Baring any nightmares, or last minute doubts, (and thats just Peter for his speech) Dale and Emma will be Mr and Mrs Miller.

Good luck to the both of you, and tomorrow should be a corker of a day!

Thursday 19th August 2004.

What a day!!

York races went down as an epic and one of my many highlights of the year so far, 2004 just keeps on getting better and better.

Here is a run down of my day, and more importantly how much lager I drank.

There was a slight change of my plan, early yesterday, we were now getting picked up in the bus stop at the bottom of my road, the bus arrived at 8.30am and we all piled in.

We stopped off for brekkie at about 9.10 at a pub called the Haynes Arms on the A19 bout half way to York, just before Thirsk. The waitors and waitresses served a full 30 English Breakfasts in what can only be described as in record time. It was a stop on brekkie and totally set us up for the day, we finished the grease and fat filled said meal at 9.40ish and headed straight to the bar,

"Two pints of Lager please Chief " was the plea from Groves

We then all boarded the coach and next stop was York. After nightmareish road works getting into York, we arrived at about 11.10am, and headed for a pub called The Punchbowl, its a fave for the trip, its a weatherspoons pub which makes it mega cheap, and the lager is spot on for the price. 4 pints were consumed in here. So far we had supped 5 pints and it was only 12.20. as it was getting harder and harder to get served we moved on to a pub nearer the course called the Knavesmire, a few of the lads went in here last year and said it was OK.

Yeah right, this pub made the Brown Jug and the Magnet look clean, it was a disgrace, the pisser was flooded, big holes in the wall and the wallpaper was peeling of the wall and it Stunk, no wonder the pub was half empty, a quick pint of mega watered down Carlsberg and it was on to the course.

We tried getting a ticket off some touts, but they were no where to be seen, so we parted with £23.00 to get in.

Its well worth the £23 as its smart as fuck, plus if ya pay that bit extra ya dont get any scutters lowering the tone. After buying a race card it was straight to the bar, £3 for a can of Fosters, which is a joke to be honest, but I had already had 6 and was on me way and I was out for the day so what the hell, I may aswell enjoy it.

The races were fast and furious, and seemed to go quick as, out of the 7 races I had the 1 winner, good old Kieron Fallon on , Lost Soldier Three, that won me £75.00, I was betting £10 a race, so that more or less paid for me beting for the day

This was the first year that I went and didn't see a 4 legged filly, not one horse passed my eyes, we just watched the races on the Tellies, which were near the bar. Now he may be wrong but our dad reckons we had 3 pints on the course before the first race and then a pint after every other race. Thats 10 pints on the course, plus our 6 before the races, and I was now starting to feel it a bit.

One of the funniest moments of the day, was when this tried to squeeze passed our dad and Davey, but there clearly wasn't enough room, the lad managed to squeeze through but in the mean time spilling some of me Dads lager down his shirt, our Dad then grabbed the lad and called him a "Daft C**t", the lad then walked up to our dad, and they went toe to toe, our dad then kinda nudge him with his head, and the lad walked away saying "There's 25 of us, and am going to get them". We just laughed at him because there were 30 of us, and that included "Big Mick" about half an hour later, he came back with about 10 of his mates, who didn't really want to know once he say the state of us, Mick just went up the biggest of the lads and had a "Quiet Word" with him, and they then left, all shaking our hands before they went and saying
"Don't want any trouble lads!" Funny as.

The biggest winner of the day was ultimately the bookies, however one of the lads dad won over £700, I dont really know him but he is apparently a major gambler.

Soon after the last race we made our way back to the coach, for the journey home, plenty of sleeping was done on the bus including yours truly, the bus arrived back in Eston at about 7.45.

After we got back to eston, one of the lads somehow remembered he had a tip for the 8.10 at Chepstow, so 5 of us called in Ladbrokes for our last bet of the day, Compton Drake lads was the cry from Craig, it was second fave at 4/1, my smallest note was a ten spot, so I thought fuck it, al have a tenner on it, ginner Chris Hartley (old school mate) served us.

After putting the bets on, it was over to the Tute for the evening session and to watch the race, good old Compton Drake won by a neck, to round off the days gambling. I was given all the slips to go and pick up which I indeed did, In total I picked up £220, of which £40 was mine.

In the tute I had a game of doubles snooker, how I could see the balls was beyond me and me and Keith (another one) lost, never mind.

After 2 more lagers and pint of Cider, I was starving and deciceded to call it a day.

I popped over the road for a parmo and got a taxi home, and caught the end of Bad Lads Army.

Alcohol count, 18 pints of Lager and a pint of Cider,


But what a day out.

The big day

Dale and Emma's nuptials are nearly upon us.

The speech is down pat, the gags are (reasonably) funny, and the butterflies are moving.

I've even knocked together a cue card thing so i don't just go blank.

Come back Sunday to see the results.

Thursday, August 19

Mikey Talking Bollocks


I'll try and avoid posting twice like Keith, but you know I said something similar about the shirt and tie and look what happened. Great minds think like K & H.

Keith is attending York Races today - why aren't you at work Mr G ? - and I'm expecting any minute now the drunken one to ring me and ask for a lift home.

"Hean, I'm lost in York, will ya pick us up?"

"Yeah right"

"Orrr you f**king c..."

And so on and so forth.

Totally hooked on blogging, it's a top notch part time hobby and you get a lot of your chest at the same time and you manage to get some world class moments from your life down on paper.

As for my week I've been slaving away in the pit of despair that is called the office and getting more and more jittery about the fact everyone but me is off next week. Although I was called "the calmest person I've ever met" by a colleague which was nice.

Dale and Emma make it official on Saturday. Congratulations. Still not sure what time it starts and what I'm meant to get them but I'm thinking

  • not turning up.
  • not getting anything.
Two very direct solutions! Only joking, I will be there in full on sharp, drunk, loudmouth mode and as Keith asked me yesterday -

"We ruining the wedding Hean?"

I'm gonna give it a go!

The BWPremiership site grows and grows. I'm becoming quite the reporter - I'll soon have a job fro Radio Cleveland reporting on Saltburn's Town Gardening contest. Got to start at the bottom cos it's a long way to the top if ya wanna rock and roll.

I'm missing Big Brother - 10pm on a weekday is an empty void waiting to be filled by something spectacular. I want to see a big brother show that lasts a year. However, Bad Lad's Army is on tonight and that makes up for a weeks worth of BB anyday. To quote the Provo Sergeant

"I've been shot, I've been stabbed, I am one mean mother f**ker you don't want to mess with!"
All this and he has the best facial hair you've ever seen.

Weather is beyond crap at the moment. The sun definitely hasn't got his hat on. I seem to recall last year it just being awesome every day. I agreed with Pete's verdict of thunderstorms being cool but swiftly changed my mind when caught in one last night! There's only one good thing about thunderstorms and that's The Thundercats.

Hits are at 663 already!

Not heard from Gambling Joey or Strap-ons in Ice Cream for a bit.

Mega blog's coming on Sunday and Monday.

Wednesday, August 18


On abum.com - Skeletor sings YMCA in Mandarin - it's sublime!


Hurts after a while....stick men.

Superman Wheelchair Game

Genius game from abum.com.

Grovesy talking bollocks!

First of all I have been off work this week. WOO HOO!

On Monday I went and played snooker with a lad from work who took the afternoon off, met him in the Ogs (+) at 12.00pm for a few stella's.

Went up to Rileys after a 3 Stellas and rattled in 4 frames in 2 hours, it was the first time I had played in about a year, the score was 2 frames each, and I scored the highest break of 18.

we then moved on to the House (we only stopped here because there were 2 fit lasses sat outside showing thong) so as you do we popped in here.

After a quick one (Stella) in here it was back to the Ogs (+). Were we met a few of the other lads who had finished work by now. We started playing Pool, but at a £1 that was proving to be a bit costly.

As the time wore on (7pm) all drinks become half price, as long as you enter the quiz, however as were regulars they let us off. But for some reason we were feeling quite intelligent tonight so we entered.

And thanks to Mikey we won the quiz, £25 worth of drink vouchers, shared between 3, aint bad for a nights work. We also won the bonus round, (again thanks to Mikey's internet) we got us a free round of drinks. I strolled back in our house at about 11pm.

On Tuesday I was grafting for the day, fitting our mams new double glazed windows with our Chris, this lasted most of the day and I was knackered come 8pm!

Today I went shopping up the town and got some wedding clobber for Dale and Emma's wedding on Saturday, new shirt and tie. I then got home and settled down to watch the Olympics, good old Team GB into the final of the mixed doubles at Badminton, I watched a shit loads of swimming, and equestrian.

Tomorrow (Thursday) I'm off to York Races for the day, its a 3 day meeting called the "Ebor" which started on Tuesday and finishes tomorrow, which is ladies day. Now I have told this story before but Mikey didn't believe me, but about 3 yrs ago when we where there a limo pulled up and this gorgeous lass was getting out of the car, and everything was on view (knowworramean lads??) she got the biggest cheer of the day!!

We all meet outside the labour club on Fabian Rd at 8am, there will be about 30 of us, so watch out York you have been warned!

I could do with winning a shed loads of cash, but hey who couldn't?, I'm sure al have a great day, expect a mega blog on Friday for the full run down of the day.

Grovesy talking bollocks!

First of all I have been off work this week. WOO HOO!

On Monday I went and played snooker with a lad from work who took the afternoon off, met him in the Ogs (+) at 12.00pm for a few stella's.

Went up to Rileys after a 3 Stellas and rattled in 4 frames in 2 hours, it was the first time I had played in about a year, the score was 2 frames each, and I scored the highest break of 18.

we then moved on to the House (we only stopped here because there were 2 fit lasses sat outside showing thong) so as you do we popped in here.

After a quick one (Stella) in here it was back to the Ogs (+). Were we met a few of the other lads who had finished work by now. We started playing Pool, but at a £1 that was proving to be a bit costly.

As the time wore on (7pm) all drinks become half price, as long as you enter the quiz, however as were regulars they let us off. But for some reason we were feeling quite intelligent tonight so we entered.

And thanks to Mikey we won the quiz, £25 worth of drink vouchers, shared between 3, aint bad for a nights work. We also won the bonus round, (again thanks to Mikey's internet) we got us a free round of drinks. I strolled back in our house at about 11pm.

On Tuesday I was grafting for the day, fitting our mams new double glazed windows with our Chris, this lasted most of the day and I was knackered come 8pm!

Today I went shopping up the town and got some wedding clobber for Dale and Emma's wedding on Saturday, new shirt and tie. I then got home and settled down to watch the Olympics, good old Team GB into the final of the mixed doubles at Badminton, I watched a shit loads of swimming, and equestrian.

Tomorrow (Thursday) I'm off to York Races for the day, its a 3 day meeting called the "Ebor" which started on Tuesday and finishes tomorrow, which is ladies day. Now I have told this story before but Mikey didn't believe me, but about 3 yrs ago when we where there a limo pulled up and this gorgeous lass was getting out of the car, and everything was on view (knowworramean lads??) she got the biggest cheer of the day!!

We all meet outside the labour club on Fabian Rd at 8am, there will be about 30 of us, so watch out York you have been warned!

I could do with winning a shed loads of cash, but hey who couldn't?, I'm sure al have a great day, expect a mega blog on Friday for the full run down of the day.


Man - how is it possible for me and the Groves to buy exactly the same shirt and tie combo for Dale and Emma's wedding? And just what do I get the aformentioned as a prezzie? And do you give them it on the day or do you send it to their house? How we getting to the Reception? Why is it pissing down - why after putting my car away did I get caught in the most terrential rain I've ever experienced?

Tell ya stressed to the max. Christ - imagine having kids, a mortgage and a pressurised job.

Pigeon Cull

Shoot all the pigeons as fast as poss. If London's mayor gets a game then where is Ray Mallon's?

Found at http://www.fingertime.com


Sorry to harp on about the lightning and that, but the sky outside the window next to me while I type this has gone a very grey colour and the thunder is cracking all over the shop.

It's mint, but slightly worrying at the same time.

Tuesday, August 17


In barely a week - but a frantic week of posting - some of our best work yet - we've flown past the 600 unique hits mark. Nice going lads. Lets keep it up.

Dale and Emma's Wedding

Saturday's Wedding Checklist: -

  • Feather for tickling people in the back row.
  • Crossword.
  • Pen.
  • Porn mag.
  • Tissues.
  • Taxi to the Peter's Social.
  • Sorry, pre-booked taxi to the Peter's Social parked outside church as cermonie finishes.
  • Fake seating arrangement cards - "Keith, I'm on the top table!"
  • Slight of hand when the collection comes round.
  • Sinatra impression when it's Hymn time.
  • Stink bombs.
  • Fart gas.
  • Itching powder confetti.
  • Switched on mobiles.
  • Speed dial.
  • A laptop.
  • Porn website addresses.
  • More tissues.
  • Microwave burgers.
  • A microwave.
  • A pillow.
  • Crate of lager.
  • An escape route.

Please feel free to add on lads - could be a very long hour on Saturday morning. Particularly that bit where Dale has to repeat what the Priest says - we may be some time. Tell me the Priest isn't that greasy schmuk Father Morgan from when I was a church-goer.

What was the Song?

Just what was the one song Peter liked whilst out on Saturday?

I just don't know - I was concentrating on all the scantily clad women and the fact that Groves was about to collapse after walking more than the 356.34 metres to The 'ogs (+) he walks every day from his desk.

Pretty Cool

http://www.fabrica.it/wordcount/main.php - the most used words in the English language.

Pub Quiz

This is how I spent most of last night.

I was on the net, Keith was in the 'ogs (+) at their weekly pub quiz.

The mobile rings....

"Hean - at the 'ogs, pub quiz. What was the name of the lottery winner from South Bank?" Vast amounts of background noise.

"Eh? Can't hear you. Speak up. Tell that woman (the quiz hostess)"

"Hean - what was the name of the lottery winner from South Bank?"

"Hang on, I'll search the net..........Iorworth Hoare"

"What!" More noise.

"I, O, R"

"That's not a name ya lardhead!"

"Ow daft c....ya listening?"

"Yeah go on....here Alan what was question 6?"


"Go on Hean, I'm listening."

"I, O, R, W, O, R, T, H" "H, O, A, R, E"

"Cheers Hean, tra."

But sadly that wasn't the end of it....I received 6 or 7 texts which all needed a reply because Mr Groves couldn't type because he was pissed. I also got about 18 phone calls all far worse than the one above. Frustrating? I nearly drove to Middlesbrough to strangle the bastard.

They did however win the quiz thanks to our cheating capabilities and total lack of respect for the law.

What did they win after all my efforts?



Seeing as it's the old man's birthday today heres a nice little tune for all those celebrating one too.

Happy Birthday

A big happy birthday to a Mr Joseph Barry Heaney of Whalehill, Eston.

Many, many happy returns.

Find his name sharer here. Presumably the one on the right.

The Facelift

Liking it Pete - a lot clearer, easy to read and what have ya. Not as good as the Premiership one though.


How good is thunder and lightning?

Monday, August 16

Other peoples blogs

I'm not one to blow my/our own trumpet, but I think we are currently pissing this blogging malarkey.

I mean, take a look at this. I think he must have his keyboard upside down or summat.

I pity them. I really do. Having to compete with us.

Even the might of Gambling Joey has subsided. People treat this blogging thing as a 2 minute fad.

We think it's the dogs.

Chemistry Exam Genius


Oasis Definitely Maybe DVD

Couple of clips off the new DVD available here.

Remember These Groves?

Oh Christ they were bad.


This'll make your eyes water

Optical Illusions - the cyan one is pretty good. I swear this isn't a jumpy shit-ya-pants thing.


Sunday, August 15

Funny thing from last night

We had left Vienna and on our way to Chicago, when this Renf was being an arse and banging into everyone on purpose. If I can describe him, Scruffy, quite short and skinny, pretty drunk, Jack Duckworth style glasses and moustache.

He had just dished out some stick to these lads and a group of lasses in front of us, so Mikey being Mikey decides to walk straight into him and almost knocks him flying, he then mouthed off some verbals to us, to what I responded with "You should have gone to specsavers ya scruffy c**t"

The lads and lasses in front of us where pissing themselves!

Apparantly the laffs could be heard in redcar. Very amusing and I felt very proud of myself.


I tend to agree with Mikey's blog about last night, I must admit I have had better nights out, for some ereason or another everyone seemed to be dead serious. Never mind plenty more nights out to come.

Before the night out me and Pete went out for a few pre match pints, started in the Hogs (sign of the cross please) where we won £10 on the Fruity, by the way they have replaced the HOLD/LO button with a white plastic button, where someone has wrote on in permanent marker, HOLD/LO. Pete found this highly amusing!

We watched the footy scores coming in on Soccer Saturday, where would we be without that magnificent programme? (I guess back to the old days of watching TELETEXT)

We had 2 pints in the Hogs (Sign og the cross please) and as it became harder and harder to get served we moved onto Walkabout, swift pint in here before we ended up in Barry Cuda again watching the scores come in and a few games of pool.

We then walked all the way to the match (God I did some walking yesterday man).

Check the BW Premiership site for a match report.

After the match the plan was to meet Tony M on the roundabout and then walk back into Town, after waiting a good 20 mins for him, Pete finally got hold of him to the sound of 'Am at the UGC cinema' Nice one Tony. Whilst on the roundabout we met Newcastle's hooligans, it took a good 20 coppers, 4 police horses, 4 CCTV police vans and several police dogs to prevent Me and Pete from getting at them, they were bricking it! Eventually the police escorted them back to the train station I presume.

So we finally ended up back in the pub a good 40 mins after the match had finished and met up with everyone else.

Mikey has covered most things in his review but he has missed out arguably the best part of the night, it was around 12.30am, I think, and the new sandwich SUBWAY had just shut, but me and Mikey were having none of it, cries of 'Please re open were starving' after a firm NO by the cleaner who looked a lot like Mikey, we decided to rip him to bits, am sure this line came out 'What gives you the right to look like Mikey??' the poor he will be mentally scared for life. They still wouldn't open up so we rubbed our sweaty palms all over the clean windows, and pulled faces up against the window. God what must we have looked like??

So after the actitvities of last night, I'm totally cream crackered today I was going to go out tonight seeing as tho I'm off for the next week, but I aint got the energy.

Roll on next week for the wedding!

Satda Night

I was also highly disappointed by last night.

Whilst the people were in and the hearts were willing, Middlesbrough's feeble nightlife once again failed to match the expectation.

We went in, ooh, 6-7 pubs, and they all played by far and away the worst music I've ever heard. If it's not Lionel fucking Richie then it's anonymous house "beats" played by some moron who considers himself a DJ just because he's got some "Decks".

Chicago Cock Cafe is the worst offender. You can time the order of the night in there by the same music every week. Very nice if you're a 35 year old slapper with too much gold on your fingers and too much blonde in your hair. But no.

My favourite pub in the town is Isaac Wilson's. No music you see.

I heard one good song all night, and that was in Yates (not known for it's music) but the other pubs were a fucking tragedy.

Is it too much to ask for pubs to play Dance music or uptempo pop songs that everyone knows without having to play Don't stop me now by Queen or indeed, in times of need, The Grease Megamix. We're not fucking 11 you know.

It really puts the mockers on my nights out, and was 20-30% of my reason for rejecting Chicago Rock.

Don't get me wrong, I like Don't Stop Me Now by Queen. But I'm 25 years old. 5 years younger than the aforementioned song.

I rest my case.



Word Up!

Our fave touch screen game with more features and very different!

Driving Test

Eeeh, its like being back with Gordo in the shitty Micra - "Alright bud?".

Classic game - here.

Very Clever

This is so clever, how do the pictures do that, really makes you think - any ideas how its done?

TV Theme Tunes

Go on the sports bit now!! It's brilliant!! Click me.


After all that walking I got the worse case of cramp ever in my sleep - it felt like I would need an amputation. Still hurts now.

Night Out

So despite all the planning yesterday panned very unlike what we said. I'mk going to be honest, last night was a major let down.

Everywhere was packed to the rafters, there was too many of us out and we couldn't agree where to go.

The attendees - Me, Keith, Pete, Joanne, Emma, Dale, Claire, Steven, Russell, Rachel, Charlie and Tony Tony M.

Started in Yates - packed from the match and had a couple in here. Then we went to the 'ogs to give thanks - had a few more in here - again it was packed and uncomfortable.

Moved on to Walkabout where myself and Keith managed to lose everyone - even though we saw them queing outside and were banging the windows. They decided against it and went onto Cafe Placid - or so the text said.

Gets to Cafe Placid - not there. They are in Barry Cuba - goes in there - not there.

"Where are you" I cried!

"Barry Cuba" They replied.

Could we fuck see them - moved further on down to Absolut Bar and had a traditional Corona and Lime then as we left bumped into the others again.

There was suggestions of Southfield Road, swiftly put down and then some wanted Aruba but we finally agreed on Vienna's beer garden. Or yard as it should be known.

Had a two treble drinks in here. Again it was absolutely packed. Precisely nothing amusing had happened yet.

Left here and went to Isaac Wilsons - singing Boro songs in here, pretty good. Left there. Think Pete and Joanne went home when they saw the queue for Chicago Rock. Me and KG walked round to Walkabout I think - no-one else allowed if I remember rightly. Walked up to Europa for a parmo then walked back to the CornerHouse - then walked back all over the fucking shop - lost Groves - had this girl come running up to me in tears who looked like she'd just been battered and didn't know where she was - walked her back to the Empire and made sure she got in the car with her Mam. Local hero me ya know.

Spent about three hours looking and waiting for a taxi - finally got in one with this bird who was going to G-Town. Gave the driver so much stick - threatening to report him, completely uneccessary as well so he decided to turn the car around and take us back to Middlesbrough!! The best line of the night from the bird in the taxi -

"Are we in Eston already?"

Classic. Had a mega barney with the taxi driver but got his number plate down - Groves is going to write to the Council!

Dear Sirs,

What it is right.....

We then walked to the bus stop at Maccie D's near the UGC where Groves fell asleep. I reckon I walked about 10 miles last night and flagged approximately 75 - 100 taxis without success. Walked back to the A66 ramp and finally flagged a Kiwk Cars minibus. Hallelujah!! It turned out to be some bloke Groves knew - he'd taken them to Arsenal away or summat last season to watch the Boro.

Got in at 4am.

Total disaster. Must do better next time!!

Friday, August 13

Come on Boro

Boro Babes rule, altho not technically a Boro Lass

Night Out Superceded Plan (appendix A23) - The Mallon Factor

"Looka right, if ya want a night out, in, you know, my town - Middlesbra - you have to get your route sorted fest."

"This, you know, its a disgrace. Middlehaven - well what I like to call Middlehaven Phase 84.5 didn't go through this much planning. I tell you now I would have zero tolerance policing on this kind of behaviour. Zero Tolerance!!"

The Masterplan

Seeing as tomorrow has seen more planning than D-Day and is quite frankly becoming rather annoying here is the final summisation: -

Keith, Pete and Tony M go to watch Boro beat the Geordie pink-eyes at the "Super Cellnet Riverside Stadium sponsored by Bradley the Jewellers".

They then, once the game has come to its conclusion, walk to the Hogshead (signs of the cross please) where they meet.....

Me, Jo, Claire, Steven, Dale, Emma, Rachel, Russel, Joanne and whoever else fancies it at approximately 7.30pm. Please note we will watch the match at home!

So we are then together as one! We then follow this proposed route outlined by Peter: -

Huxters (please give thanks when passing the 'ogs.)
Barry Cuba
Areeba Del Rasa
This means nothing to me, Ah Vienna
Chicago Suck my Cock.

We then go home with various items of pub paraphernalia and look back on an evening of merriment and fun and blog it on Sunday. Can't fucking wait.

Friday Nights

What do people do on a Friday night??

I mean I have decided to stay in, it was very hard to say "NO" to the lads at work who left at 3.30 to go get wrecked.

I remained strong to the cause (SaturDAY/NIGHT). Ieven stayed at work until 5ish tonight, what is the world coming to?

So readers I ask you, if your not out on the lash on a Friday night what do you do?? Am sat here watching the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games, which is terrible, and pointless, just what is the point, get on with it!!!

Where is Gambling Joey?? Aint heard from in for a few days, I thought he was going to leave us one of his so called tips each week. His team QPR play Sunderland tomorrow so come on Rangers!

As Mikey has already mentioned him, Ray Robocop Mallon, he is our new hero and we will do impressions of him until it gets boring, (Probs Saturday night).

Why isn't it SATURDAY????

Saturday update (phase 19)

Right Boys, the day of reckoning is almost upon us.

I can't wait!!!!

Pete, yeah we could go out before the match, for a few lagers if ya want and watch the other scores coming in, what time are the non match goers going out? Cos if there out early we could all go out early doors we then leave them go the match and then meet back up with them after the match.

Tell ya took some sorting out this night out an it?

But it will be well worth it!


This is just mental...takes ages to load but its so worth it. I just know you're all going to get a pen and try it.

Pen Tricks Video

The Bike

Is this the bike you mean from the Princess Alice, Pete?

The Ultimate Challenge

Ray "Robocop" Mallon

"I won't stand blogging in the town of Middlesbra!!"

"You know I'm not into my interweb thing too much but I'm cock on when it comes to zero tolerance policing! As mayor of Middlesbra', I just won't stand for it! "

Just for Grovesy.

Thursday, August 12

Msg for Tong!

We just go straight to the ground normally and have a pint or 2 in the concourse. Ya more than welcome to join us in the concourse, or I can come and find you, woteva, not really arsed.

Couple of Questions,

1. Are you going straight out after the match?
2. Are you going to the match in your going out clobber?
3. Is Tony M still going to the match?

Answers on a comment please!

One More Day

Just another day of stress, heat, snide remarks, negativity - and that's just on the way to work giving Keith a lift.....and then I will be in paradise - the weekend is nearly here!!

I'm so in need of a serious amount of alcohol I suggested me and KG meet after work tomorrow and get trashed - we finally agreed it was the wrong thing to do and ultimately would ruin Saturday. Look out Middlesbrough there is a lot of pent up agression and energy waiting to explode!

Liking the look of Keith's route - especially if we limit it to one drink in each pub and try and cover a load of them.

Still giggling at the thought of going home with the croc with his tail hanging out the side of the door.

"It's not real taxi driver.....here, have a stroke!"

Wednesday, August 11


Groves me old buddy chum pal, what do you do before the match? A few drinkies or what?

Any chance I could tag along?

Saturday Update x 2

As Mikey has correctly pointed out I missed out the ozzie Barrr Wankabout.

Mikey goes 'How are we supposed to nick the croc if we dont go in?'

This is a very valid point so, I say we now end up in there, wait til its gone 2am, when the lights come on, wait til no body's looking then get it!

I can just see us now trying to rip it down, "It's not gunna budge", or "Just sack it"


Can't wait!

Saturday update!

I understand Pete Tong has wormed himself a ticket for the match eh??

What does this do to the plans, I presume Me, Pete and Tony M (will his jacket be with him?) will meet up after the match and walk to the pub (Hog's Head) together.

What about if we meet in the Hog's and then jump in a taxi to TS1, do the House, Southfield Rd Area, then work our way down to Lloyds Super Duper Extreme Resolution Bar, then Barry Cuda, then mebs Aruba, possibly Vienna before probably ending up in Chicago Cock.

Thoughts People!!!

Am not really arsed what the route is, I just know Boro will do the business and the town will be BOUNCING!!!!

Come On!

"I'd get me big fat belly out!"

How not to win tickets to this.

Rapist wins £7million

Where did he buy the ticket? Asda at Southbank - 5 minutes from my house. Classic! Lucky bastard.

Window Shopping

Before I clicked the link I didn't know what to expect - it far exceeded my expectations! Classic.


Tuesday, August 10

500 and counting

Congrats lads and thanks readers!


We have surpassed 250 blogs and we now have 500 unique hits to the wallet!


Weekly update!

It's been a slow few days, all the talk and thoughts this week are about Saturday, I can't remember looking forward to a day as much as this since Blackpool!

There should be a good turn out for the night, and it will be of epic proportions!

Not too sure about ending up in Chicago Cock, I always seem to make an arse of meself in here. (Dancing on the table and Sir Bobby Groves, are just two occasions that spring to mind)

Yesterday I left work and poped in the 'Ogs for a quick pint' this was at 4.40pm, I left my place of worship at 8pm!!!

I have decided to knock the booze on the head, during work days, spending far too much money.

A see Gambling Joey's side got a good pasting last night eh?? It may be a long old season for them. However Ian Holloway is a legend!

4 More

Just four more hits till we hit the big 500!!


This is the closest thing to Word Up - our fave touch screen game - yet!! It's brilliant!!



See what they did there? Eh? Eh?

Air Hockey

I got to Round 3 on this fella and my hand was near to falling off.

Fish Caught in Redcar

Apparently these beaut's are lined up for Dale's next fishing game.

God - is it only Tuesday?

Man, this is turning into one seriously slow boring week. If it wasn't for the excitement of work and all this beautiful weather where having I'd be depressed. I think the excitement Saturday is growing to epic proportions - its going to be a humdinger of a day and night. Been listing various items that I want to bring home - the bike and the croc obvious exceptions - and I have some classics up my sleeve.

I'm still recovering from my minor heart scare after viewing that Mary thing - pretty much fell off my chair when I saw it.

Also lads, when was the last time we hit Redcar hard? I'll tell you - the first day of Euro 2004. That's when. About time we visited before the sun dissapears completely.


On Saturday I think we should start in the Dickens and watch the match in there. Then TS1, then meet 6r00v35 in the Crown for some top notch student barstaff baiting.

Then Walkabout before it gets too rammed, then Barry Cuba, then Aruba.

And all finished in C. Cargos Ruck Cofféé. For a top night out.

I can't wait!

Burnley Wallet Pub Guide

Why don't we just rate pubs as we go to them? It'll be much easier than sitting down and typing for a week.

Give them a mark out of five and say why they're shit or why they're not.

Easy eh?

Parallel Universes

To accompany the Dale Miller thing the other week,

Keith Groves
(Scroll down quite a way)

Michael Heaney

Peter Heaney

Scary or what? How dare these people run round with our names.

Monday, August 9

Truly Awesome Site

How I envisage the BW one day. Liquid Generation.

The BW Pub Guide

I'm officially announcing The BW Pub Guide has been put on the shelf, but not scrapped altogether....good idea, just not enough time on our hands. Do you know, I still don't feel we've done enough research to be honest.

Religious Twist

Feeling a bit religious tonight so I thought I would share this beautiful little gem I found with you.

Visions of the Virgin Mary

Oh and before I forget the music is really nice so I would turn your speakers up.


I'm off work today. And it's pissing down.

After the previous two days of glorious sunshine I had planned to sit in the garden and go a nice red colour.

Ah well. At least I'm not at work.

Sunday, August 8

Public request

I know it was a while ago, but some things need to be sorted out.

If, by any stretch of the imagination, the puff who called Grooves, and i quote, "A fat cunt" many moons ago outside Kudos in Redcar please make himself known to us.

I would like to shake his hand, for not once breaking into a run when he had nigh on 60 stone of drunk, annoyed Whale Hill geezer striding purposefully behind him. Ready to part his head from his shoulders.

Sadly, the fuzz intervened, and said Poofters head remained part of his physiognomy (is that a real word? Is now.).

Memories are made of this! Ah, Kudos. How we loved paying a fiver to get in when the entire decor of the place cost about 3 pound. Shithole. Burn the fucker down.

Cursed Cursor

Clik the link, here, wait for it to load, run the cursor over his face and leave it there. Watch what happens. Superb.

Found at slackcrew.com

The missing HOLD/LO Button.

After popping in the 'Og's' this afternoon, I can confirm that the above mentioned Fruity button has been replaced.

Panic over Mikey!

We should defo start borrowing/stealing things from pubs on nights out, espeically after what you accomplished on Friday.

The Crocodile from Walkabout and the Bike from the Princess Alice are the ultimate goals!

Next Satda

Could be an EPIC!

First of all its the first day of the new Premiership season, and the mighty Middlesbrough kick off against our local rivals, Newcastle United, it promises to be a corker a game with new signings expected to make debuts on both sides. However as always am mega confident of a Boro win, to set up what will be an AWESOME atmosphere in the town.

With the game live on Sky, and not kicking off til 5.15pm, after the match the town will be bouncing.

I'll meet up with Tony M after the match and walk to the town with him to meet up with the gang, who will be half cut by now anyways, as there out to watch the match. Me and Tone will have some catching up to do!

The Hogshead or the 'Ogs' as Mikey has renamed, is an obvious meeting point!

So I'm well up for saturday, BRING IT ON!

Next Saturday

We're going out next Saturday. Double reason, My Birthday night out carry-over and Disco and Roidsy's last weekend before marriage.

So Mister Heaney and Mister 6r00v3s, can you sort out a location for us to trek round? You are the Boro pub meisters after all.

I will order the taxi's to the Hog's now.


Can I just send out a big thnkyou to all those who bought me a prezzie or a card for my birthday yesterday it was much appreciated.

Thanks again.


Thanks to I Am Bored for another gem of a game - and what a soundtrack!! Play it now!


Huge thanks to Gambling Joey - upon visiting his site I was met with a nice little piece on the BW Crew. Hey - that's us! Thanks again!


"Beware the fallen ranger" - I guess Yogi finally wanted to eat his pic-a-nic baskets in peace.

Sunday's Suck

It now looks as though 10pm on a weekday is going to be an empty void in my life -Big Brother has ended and Nadia has won it. Congratulations. But the football is back! Hooray!! And the olympics!! Hooray!! And there's loads of nights out coming up! Hooray!!

Big thank you to Pierre celebrating his 25th birthday yesterday putting on a splendid barbecue for a few of us. Got absolutely covered in dog prints, hair and saliva.

Sunday's are well and truly dull. I had, just a moment before typing this, started doing some work for work but then rapidly decided against it - why should I?!

The BW Premiership Site is slowly growing and I'm sure will explode following todays Community Shield match between Arsenal and Man Utd - perhaps Gambling Joey could give us a prediction - will have to visit his site.

The temperature is again unbearable today - lets have a thunderstorm and clear the air a bit. I'm sweating like John Leslie after that episode of The Wright Stuff.

Hmm, what else is going on? Nothing really. Sunday's suck.

Saturday, August 7


This is taking spare time to the extreme.

K & H On Tour - Middlesbrough. Again.

"Hean, fancy coming out?" - text received 7.19pm.

Phone Conversation 7.20pm

"Yeah where are ya?"

"In the 'ogs"

"Who's out?"

"Just me."

"Er, aye go on then!"

Phone conversation ended - 7.21pm

Its as simple as that. Pete took us down there and met up with the big guy who had already sank eight or nine pints and was shaky to say the least - he was already singing songs at the top of his voice, so it was up to me to play a bit of catch up. Downed a couple of pints Stella as Keith and myself sent about £45 into the fruity and won back about £41. It's the only one I've known keep you playing so much. Plus one of the buttons was stuck so we acquired a knife and set it free and I am now the proud owner of a Hold Lo button!!

Got Keith a pint of water to calm him down a bit. It seemed to work before the arrival of Big Brother - The Final on the plasma screens. Who's first go? Shell!! Woooh! Straight onto the phone lines to vote for the Honest Scotsman Jay.

Onto HSBC Bank for Keith to get some hardearned cash out and then down to Yates. Empty. Took about 15 minutes to get served so I had a go at this pleb behind the bar - greasy haired student scum. Get a wash! Anyway finally got served by the gayest barman ever. Got two Reefs - is it non-alcoholic orange juice or what? - it sailed down the throat. KG meanwhile played some more fruity.

On to Lloyds Super Resolution Hyper Screen Pixelation Bar - wow I have never seen it as empty as this. Unbelievable. Pint of Vodka Red Bull in here - PVRB (a K&H Trademark) - Keith still managing to keep up and showing no signs of flagging. Eviciton number two - who's third? Dan!!! - Super cool eviction.

Classic bust up with a homeless guy - who was wearing an Inter Milan shirt - "Ere mate, how come you've got a inter shirt on - £40 that ya daft c...."


"Eh?! Speak up eh!"

Its not big and its not clever but its damned amusing especially when Keith proclaimed: -

"I'm gonna boot him in the face!"

We marched up the road, well stumbled anyway. Paid homage to the 'ogs with the sign of the cross and onto Walkabout where the lunacy began - it was a mega BB night in Walkabout!

Gets in there - it was rocking, some mega tunes band was about to start, plenty of women and then the Big Brother Tickets competition. Two tickets to the aftershow party next week in the BB House! Huzzah.

Up steps a very drunk Mr Groves and four other misfits from the energetic crowd - this was going to be a popularity contest based on numbers of cheers. Keith first.

"What's your name?"

"Keith..........from Eston. YEAH!!!"

A few coughs from the crowd. I gave a hearty cheer.

"What will you do on camera at the BB Aftershow Party?"

I was literally screaming and making the actions "Scuttle Davina - come from behind!!" - a surefire line (stolen from Chubby Brown) to win tickets and please the audience.

What was Keith's reply?

"I'd get me big fat belly out!"

I nearly left the place - bang goes my ticket to stardom. It wasn't going to be difficult to beat.

Up next some bird from Redcar who was asked the very same question.

"Er, I'd get pissed."

Riiiiight? Well of course you would pet, it's a bleeding aftershow party. I tell you, some people eh? Keith was leading the pack in terms of popularity. Come on Groves - were going to the BB House!

Up next another duffer from Boro. Same Question.

"I dunno really"

Jesus Christ, the worst answer ever - KG is going to be rapping with Victor come next week!

The next one was some fit bird with delightfully ample breasts. She had massive tits basically. I could see it coming a mile off and quite frankly I think we have a case for artisitc infringement.

Her reply,

"I'd get me tits out!!" in the best Boro scally accent you've ever heard.

Now this obviously got a huge roar!

And last but not least some seriously ugly weird bloke who replied,

"I'd have a threesome with Dan and Nadia."

Ouch - stunned silence from the audience.

The DJ then gave it his best "Who should go to the BB House? Do you think it should be him (threesome weirdo)?"


"Do you think it should be her (tits woman)?"


So the lovely lady won it. And KG got a t-shirt with BB on as a consolation which was nice. Anyhow we danced the night away - Groves got stuck into a minger, I talked the talk with the lovely lady who'd won the tickets and the band who were setting up. Managed to win a BB Shirt of my own just for cheering the DJ for putting a good song on! On it went - a tad tight I have to say. Anyhow the band hit us with some classic tunes, Day Tripper is the only one I can really remember, they weren't on very long either to be honest.

Groves disappeared and, checking my phone this morning, I'd sent him 9 texts all asking where he was, get back in here and where are you? Got some seriously weird replies so I couldn't tell where he had gotten to.

Anyway time for home, can't stand being alone in a nightclub so into a taxi I got. being a complete tightwad I decided that breaking into a note wouldn't be a good idea so I challenged the driver to see how far he could get for a fiver. He then proceeded to turn the turbo on the meter but managed to get to Normanby - a good 20 minute walk from my house. Oh man, guess I'm walking the rest! So I rang Keith to see if he was home and if he would pick me up. "Yeah course I will Hean!". Obviously as a wind up because we don't condone drink driving here at the Wallet. and every twenty yards I would ring him back up.

"Where are ya?!"

"I'm coming down Normanby Road now! Be five mins, don't move!!".

Guess you had to be there!!

Is that it Keith, can't think of much more? Thought it was a top night out once it got going - can't wait for next Saturday.

Friday, August 6

EA SPORTS Dale Miller 2004

Here's Electronic Arts latest sports sim for you game freaks.

"Disco" Got his own fishing game made after him!

Well and Truly Let Down

It looks like I will be spending my Friday night indoors and missing out on what was promising to be a mega 'piss-up'. IBS carried on in the internals of my colleague at work and he managed to blag his last day off, but seeing as we have several personalities who won't stand for this sort of thing he is having to come in next week on his holiday's to sort everything out! He he he! They don't fuck about if stuff needs doing.

Of course that part time alcoholic Keith groves was called on the mobile, as usual at about 4.50ish, to see if he required a lift home from work.

"Nah Hean, its Friday innit, in the 'ogs".

That'll be The Hogshead, Keith's second home. If not first.

So roll on Big Brother Finale.....Jason to win by some weird fix just to prove it isn't a fix....if you know what I mean. You see, every paper has been lambasting Endemol and Channel 4 for overzealous editing and very clever stuff to make Nadia appear as the favourite. Wouldn't it be sly of them to fix it then for someone else to win to clear their names and prove a point? Just a theory. I know for a fact it won't happen.

For the uninitiated its Peter's 25th (ouch) birthday tomorrow and we're staying in apparently and saving it for the week after! Can't take this lack of alcohol!!!

Detailed 3D Apache Helicopter Sim

I managed 646 on about my eighth go on this marvellous game.

Thursday, August 5


This is classic, being a housing man myself I think this is taking Modern Methods of Construction to far!

Jesus I'm sad.

Stuart Gone

BB5 fans out there and Big Brother 5 non-fans I have to express my dismay at the complete shock of Stuart's eviction! May have been the fact I bet on him in the early stages to win but didn't anyone else think he brought a lot to the house?

If Nadia wins, God help us.

Balloon Type Thing

Of course for all you BB5 Nadia fans out there she did of course spell Balloon, Balon and I'm quite sure if you asked her to spell 'gender dysphoria' and she'll have reeled it off like a Countdown veteran!

Have fun here!

Reminds of my wasted youth spent trying to do Yo-Yo tricks but only for it to just go back to its original state.

Matthew "Snarf Snarf" Scarth

Regular BW reader Matthew "Mario" Scarth comes up to me nigh on every day at work to say how he's read about my latest escapades on 'The Wallet' and how robotic tag dancing had him pissing himself cos he and me were doing it just a few weeks ago!

So, Scarthface (although we all know who the true Tony Montana of Teesside is), here's your opportunity to say a big hello to the BW Team. Sign the guestbook as well please dude.

Tomorrow Night

The weekend has hit us again. I'm meant to be out tomorrow night for a leaver's do at work but said leaver has IBS - Ian Buncan Smith - and might not be able to make it. Oh fuck!! Groves, relying on you for a mega Saturday night if I'm let down!!

Monday, August 2

The Premiership

Our very own dedicated Premiership football site is now on-line!! Hooray!!!



1...2.....are we on? Is it working?

Sunday, August 1

Blogger Broke?


K & H Live in Middlesbrough

Ah, Saturday night rolled round again.  Cos he had the shits and had been out Friday night (Though why its not blogged is a complete mystery) and didn't fancy going down Redcar with the Rushby twins, Carl et al who were bombarding me with texts and phone calls asking if the K&H connection would join them Keith Groves was firmly staying put. I was tempted by the invite but the thought of a solo taxi home put me off.

So it seemed I seemed to be spending my Saturday night with Johnny and Denise but my power of persuasion is just too convincing. Yes, me and the 9r00v3s (who's name is including more and more numbers) decided it was time to hit the town hard. Again.

6.45, the two Heaney lads Dad picked us up and drove us to...

Started in here, a regular fave of Mr G. He's in here daily after all. Two pints of Stella and then we were joined by Paul, Keith's workmate. Now Paul had been to the races the day before and produced a wad, like a good 30 - 50 betting slips which were all losers!! We hit the Monopoly fruit machine and poured a good £35 into it  between us but slowly teased it back out in remarkable fashion only for Keith, the apparent seasoned pro, to keep selecting the hidden features and lose out on £8. Grrr. I stayed firmly back and let them go at it. Oooh, matron. Next pub please!

Lloyds Bar (Super Resolution McDoofer or whatever the hell it's real name is)

After the 'ogs we marched here and after nearly getting run over by a taxi went upstairs and was bought a double Knob Creek (50% whisky) and coke (50% sugar) which knocked me for six. Bumoped into Darren Halpin a former workmate and we pulled off the best Pollard impressions you've ever seen (For KG and Pete only)!! Oh and as for the addicts the went straight back downstairs for the fruit machine, wasn't paying attention so don't know how much they lost or won.

Yates Wine Lodge

Went next door to Yatesies. 2 for £3 can't be bad. Orange Reef is so easy to drink. It's just still orange!! After clocking three of them in approximately 7 minutes, Keith made a hasty visit to the lav to try and bring some of it back up but apparently failed. Yeah right. Also bought a test tube of blue-spirit for us all in here which was manky.

Felt like I was dying in here, drinking the warmest VK Ice ever, absolutely minging, visited the bogs to try and cool down and swill me face only to scald my hands in the lava that was coming out of the taps. Nigerian was in here selling aftershave etc. For £1 I got a few squirts of aftershave, two chupa chups and a handful of chuddy to a rapturous applause from the rest of the lads in the toilets. "How much dya want for a quid mate!?" "As much as possible lads!!" including "One for da ladeeezz!"


Went in here and it was very packed I think, took me ages to get served, again can't recall what I drank. God, not a clue what happened in here. Not a good thing when your trying to write down some classic memoirs to look back on in future. Ah well, can't have been anything interesting.

Hogshead Revisited

Went back in here for some reason, ah yes, Groves was meeting more work mates who just looked bored or could have been half dead, I think they'd been out since 2pm or something. Groves will fill me in on the details. Can't recall what I drank in here.


Did we go in here?



Absolut Vodka Bar

Mmmm, Corona and Lime after all them sweet drinks. Bleeeuuurgh. Think we met up with Paul's bird in here. There were some seriously nice women in here, unreal! More fruity action in here, sad as fuck some people I tell ya.


Pretty dull in here as well actually, looking back it was a pretty dull night out actually so far. Had some robotic dancing in here which cheered me up!! Tag-robotics with random people joining is classic with the hardest tags you've seen! For the uninitiated one person starts robot dancing tags the person next to him, freezes and perons two begins and tags the next person, freezes and so on and so forth! Must be hilarious for other people to see us big guys carrying out such athletic moves.

Walkabout again?

Not sure if I've missed anymore pubs out but we went back in here and whilst in the cue, met a St Peter's teacher who was decidedly fit so you know, paid her in but then she promptly dissapeared! Could have been fun! 

However, ended giving it some seriously  raunchy dancing with a dangerously old woman. Oh Christ, you always remember the bad things! I kept looking across at Keith and every time I did I was met with a "You bucking her tonight?" which I replied with a very slow firm shake of the head. 

Some classic tunage in here. My Generation especially. Bumped into another workmate, Aaron who was completely out of it. We went upstairs for some reason but when got there we'd forgotten why so we came straight back down again.

Groves was dying of exhaustion in here so he decided to go. Had a mega barney with this old woman and her mate, in jest of course, and left to see if I could find the other half of my taxi fare.

"Grovesy where are ya?"

"Pizza shop"

What a waste of a phone call, of course he's in the pizza shop.

So he got his parmo I got a double rat burger off the van and we headed for home, bumped into Darren again so he joined our taxi and then this lass as well who heard we were from Eston asked if she could join our taxi as well cos she lived in Bankfields. What sane woman would get in a taxi with three blokes she doesn't know? Man alive. A hilarious taxi drive ensued, lots of tickling, groping and hair stroking. And that was just me and Darren. No seriously though we got her home safe like the kind gents we are and pulled round into Eston.

Now I'm not sure on the legalities of posting this but I had the brainwave of getting this taxi for free. I'd acquired £3.50ish of this bird and started rambling on to keith how he was going to pay for this taxi and that I only had £3.50. It must have been the drink as I've never done this before but asked the driver to stop and then legged it leaving Grovesy to pay the taxi! But KG being the ever oportunist legged it as well and we were outta there, free taxi home and £3.50 up. It can't be bad. Illegal? Probably. Exhilarating? Oh yes.

Spent about 30 mins talking to Keith as I walked the short distance home claiming it to be the funniest thing we've ever done. What sad lives we lead.

When I got in the rat burger came back out. Babes in Sherwood Forest was on Bravo. Passed out. Classic, truly classic night.

End of report. 

This is genius!

How does this work? Someone explain!! It worked out "ninja" for me so quickly it was mental.

Nights Out

Can any of our readers recommend any other blogs out there that detail nights out like we do?

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