Friday, December 31

The Grizzly is Back!!

The only thing better than 2004 was the time I was munching on a bag of maltesers, and thought I had finished, only to find there was one stuck right in the corner.

He hasn't blogged for a while but that line had me crying!! Ya never lose it!!

Happy New Year

To follow Keith's post may I too wish all the chief's and chiefesses's out there in internet land the happiest of New Years!!!

Come on 2005!!!!

It's only New Years Eve

Thats right chiefs and chiefesses, December 31st.

Happy New Year to all our readers.

Hears to a corker of a year.

All the best.

Mikey's End of Year Review


Did anything at all happen in January worth mentioning? A slow start to a cracker of a year.


Went out with work to celebrate my 21st in one of the best, insane nights out ever. Got absolutely monged with Pierre, KG etc on the Saturday night and ended up brawling with Pete on the Trunk Road.

Also to round off February in true style Boro went and won the Carling Cup.


March 13th saw KG's 21st party at the Miner's Arms and what a party it was. I have photo's of the grizzly one with his stripper. I'm quite willing to put them on the Wallet given enough interest.

I bought my first car, a black Fiat Punto which quickly became Groves free taxi to work every morning.

Even though he won the Lottery this month!! Unreal.

Also I got my first mobile phone on a contract. It takes me a while to keep up with technology.


Mark Proudlock had his stag do so me, KG, Andy G (from work) tagged along with his mates for a trip to Aintree for the Grand National and what a trip it was. Following a heavy session on the booze at the racecourse we all went round Liverpool on the night and ended up in the Cavern Club.

There was also a couple of good nights out, particularly over the Easter weekend.


20th, 21st and 22nd of May was Dale Miller and Tony Lane's stag do where a whole host of us descended on Blackpool for a wild weekend. And it was wild. Some truly magnificent moments and the best bus ride to somewhere ever.


Euro 2004 kicked off - the England games are some of the most emotional games I've ever seen.

England vs France

19th June - Works Night Out

25th June - Wedding - Helen and Mark Proudlock

26th June - England vs. Portugal

I bought my very first suit.

Glastonbury was on and Paul mcCartney wowed the crowd.

Fish died. I'm pleased to report the other two are still alive.

Pete and Jo got engaged as well.

This month also saw the last time we went to Redcar on a night out. Me, KG, Pete and Tony M and as I recall it was a stormer.


July 3rd - Burnley Wallet Night Out

July 4th - Greece win Euro 2004

July 24th - Works Fun Day

Loads of nights out I think - check the archive.


August 7th saw Peter's Birthday which if I recall we had a BBQ round their house.

Zack was 1 year old this month.

Dale and Emma got married and we all enjoyed a marvellous day and night.

Big Brother Final night in Walkabout which had to be one of the nights out of the year.

Few more good nights I'm sure.


Went bowling for some reason.

Batman raided Buckingham Palace and five geezers raided the House of Commons.

Went to a Ceilidh to see a former workamte off. Great fun.

Another Batman climbed to the top of the Transporter.

Pretty rubbish month this really.


Had a night out in Stockton. I'm never going again. It was gash so a day later had one of the nights out of the year with KG up Middlesbrough.

I think we went out every Saturday night this month and they were all brilliant. Including a night out where I pushed KG into a park bench in a trolley. Read it here.


Started with yet another excellent night out in Boro.

Max and Paddy started on C4 and was an instant hit for the BW Crew.

The 3 Walleteers had an excellent night up the town on the 13th.

A week later me and KG were there again.

I'm starting to think the last 4 or 5 months of the year were basically work, town, work, town, work.


Actually stayed in a couple of Saturdays this month.

Had an Xmas party on the 10th and then another on the 11th with work which were both superb.

The BW Xmas Party at the Lingfield occured on the 23rd.

Then it was Xmas Eve and me and KG had an absolute classic night down Middlesbrough

Xmas Day was boring.

Boxing Day was genius.

And now here we are!!

An awesome year, loved most of it. First 6 months were non stop and the latter half was booze, booze, booze.

Best year of my life so far.

Roll on 2005.

And now the end is near.....

Well it is for 2004.

So I shall try and sum up what has been a truly AWESOME year.

The only thing better than 2004 was the time I was munching on a bag of malteaser, and thought I had finished, only to find there was one stuck right in the corner. What joy!

So here is my own review of "My Year"


The year started with a trip to The Stad De Shite, to watch Hartlepool play Sunderland in the 3rd Round of the FA CUP, went with a lad from work and some of his poolie mates, was a good day all round and Pools lost 1-0, I was an adopted Monkey Hanger for the day, there were more than 15'000 Hartlepool fans at Sunderland that day.

Also in Jan Ste Rushby had organised a trip to Arsenal to see Boro in the 1st Leg of the Semi Final of the Carling Cup, we left the Normanby pub car park at 10am, complete with 4 crates of Lager. Terry the Taxi Driver (Mentioned on the Wallet before) drove us down in his mini bus we arrived in a pub in Finchly about 3pm, were we carried on drinking before we left to catch the tube to the match, 12 Boro lads singing and dancing to E-I-O on the Tube must have been an awesome sight. Boro went on to win 1-0 thanks to a second half Juninho goal. We went back the pub in Finchly, for a stoppy back (one of the lads went to School with the Manager, plus James Pears, former school mate, worked there) Got back in Teesside about 7 am! What a result and what a day!


Mikey's 21st Birthday was in Feb, we all went down the town, and the night ended up in Chaos, people kept buying Mikey Aftershock (ME!!) the poor lad must have had 12 in the Crown alone, think he and Pete had a bit of brawl on a bus!

No disresepect here Chief but, this is the REAL highlight of the month, if not my LIFE, 29th February 2004, Bolton Wanderers Vs Middlesbrough, The Carling Cup Final, Millennium Stadium, Cardiff. A bunch of us decided to Fly down to Cardiff after the Gazette ballsed up our Accommadation for the weekend. We were on the 6.15am flight direct from Teesside to Cardiff, the Bus (Terry again) came and picked us up at 3.15am, didn't matter about lack of sleep, it is a cup final after all. I remember it had snowed really bad a few days before and the roads were like an ice rink goin to the airport, but anyway we got there, boarded the plane and off to Cardiff.

We were the first set of Boro fans in Cardiff that day, about 8.30am, its 8.30 on a Sunday morning in Cardiff, what do we do, try and find an off license open, Success after about an hour, Cracks open a few cans, and soak up the atmosphere. As more and more Boro fans arrived, the atmosphere grew. Boro fans everywhere, what a sight!

As everyone knows now, Boro went on to lift the Carling Cup thanks to goals from Joseph Job and Bolo Zenden, Boro had won there first ever trophy, we were all in shock, we didn't know what to do, there was an eary silence walking out of the Millennium Stadium, so used to defeat in Finals, but not this time. This is the new BORO! Anyhow it was back on the plane for the flight home, got back to Eston about 11.30pm. What a day! The best!


Nothing much could live up to the final, but march had a real go, It was my 21st on the 16th of the month, and I decided to throw a party in the Miners Arms Eston, loads of people turned up, got loads of presents, our Chris arranged a stripper for us (The Twat). It was a great night!

the week after my party, it was mothers day, me and our chris went to Eston for some flowers fro the old lady. we gets the flowers and card and what have ya, then our chris remembers that he hasn't put his lottery on, I shouts to him, "here's a bin lid, get us alucky dip and we'll go shares" Any way it gets to the night time, don't know why we weren't out! Anyhow I forgets about the lotto until about 10pm, i sticks text on and fuck me, we have got 5 numbers, £2351 we won between us! Get in there!


Mikey was already goin to the Grand National and night out round Liverpool in April, when he heard that I won me money he asked if I wanted to go as people had dropped out, it was some lass at works boyfriends stag weekend. I jumped at the chance. I was meeting Mikey at 7am I think on the Saturday morning, however this didn't stop me going out the night before round Stockton, I didn't get in til gone 3, and I still hadn't packed! I could have cried when me alarm clock went off! We gets there, and it was brilliant the atmosphere for the Grand National is unreal. After the national we went round Liverpool, and that is superb aswell, its just bar after bar after bar!

Also in April I wasted my Lottery winnings by drinking ridiculous amoutn of alcohol, more or less every night after work in the Hogs!


In may it was Dale and Tony's joint stag weekend in Blackpool, the first day was brilliant, probs too good as everyone was wrecked on the second night, apart from Mikey for some reason! A lot of the stuff is unprintable on this a family website!


In June we had Euro 2004, what a tournament the whole country was behind the 3 lions, majority of houses had the St Georges cross hanging from windows, the country was buzzing, England were eventually knocked out by Portugal in the Q/F's on penalty's! AGAIN!

Also this month I had my one and only trip to Redcar for a night out, I knew this would be a bad idea as I ended up scoring with a ex girlfriend, which just caused me grief! I hate Redcar!

Tony Lane got married, I went to the night do in the Whale Hill club, not really a highlight, but thought ad put it in anyway!

Mikey found blogger in June and Peter came up with the Burnley Wallet!


July was littered with nights out, there is something about the summer and drinking in the Boro. The TV show Big Brother came to an end, which provided hours of entertainment. We were in the town, and Walkabout we hosting a Big Bro final night, I made a fool of meself, as reported on the wallet.

I won the Burnley Wallet gambling game, we were all started with £10 and had a week to see who could win the most money, I accumulated a massive £138. WOOHOO!


In August I went on Big Mick's trip to York races as I do every year, didn't win a penny. Went on a day trip to Whitby for drinking marathon, then met up with Mikey when I got back in the town, I was a little bit drunk that day!

Also this month, Pete celebrated his birthday, a trip up the town if a remember correctly. The Football season finally started up again.

Dale and Emma got married, that was a good day, me and Mikey must had about 17 pints and 8 double Vodka and Red Bulls all day, and still spent less than £25!


This month I had my second weekend trip to Blackpool, went with the Rushby lads, and a load more who have been named and shamed on the wallet previously, had a corker of a weekend.

Went Bowling for Chaz's birthday for some reason!

Plenty of other nights out.


October was mainly filled with EPIC nights out, check the archives for some truly memorable nights out.


Was just like October again, class nights out, again check the archives.


Stayed in for the first 2 weeks to save a bit of cash for Christmas, had my works night out, the BW xmas party, Xmas eve was unreal, Xmas Day was good, Boxing day was out of this world, see the wallet for reports and pics.

So there ya go Chiefs, my year, What a Year.

2005 has a lot to live up to.

P.S I got a bit carried away at the start of my review and it slowly got worse.


To Claire,

Here's to the best Birthday you've had, (probably sometime in your early 20's or late teens) and here's to many more!!

Happy Birthday!!

Lots of Love,

Mikey, Peter and Keith


Dale's Birthday Bash

For the first time in years we ended up in Normanby.

The Stapylton Arms

Me, KG, Joanne, Peter, Stevie, Claire, Dale, Emma, Russel, Dale's sister Emma, Dale's Mam, Dale's Dad, Dale's Auntie and her two kids, Tottsy and some others met in the Stap and had a few pint's in there.

We recapped the night out from Boxing Day and sang it's praises. KG has some good photos on his mobile and we shall have to get them on the gallery.

Left there and jumped in a taxi to...

The Normanbio

KG won big licks from the fruity, collecting 10 bin lids.

Had a Turbo Shandy that sent me doolally. I'm sure the lager is far stronger in Normanby than Boro. KG, Pierre and Jo played golf. In a pub! I tell you - the future's here my friends.

Poor Claire got mistaken for a 30+ year old (yes by me!). But it's only cos Stevie is 37.

Also decided that we'd have a combined New Year's Eve/Claire 26th Birthday party at Pierre and Jo's place!! Hurrah.

So leaving there and since it was pissing down me and KG got a taxi from the Normanby to the Woody. Now that's ridiculous.

The Woodman

I had a can, you read right chiefs, a can of Smirnoff Ice. Barmaid impressed with a "it's the future!!" line.

We all sang Happy Birthday to Claire. Dale and his gang wouldn't go to the George but we just wanted a bit of a dance and mess about. So, me and KG went round the back for yet another taxi to...

The George

Jesus, I've never seen it this quiet. The entire back room had it's lights out. I was shocked. So we went back to the...


Were me, KG, Pete, Jo, Stevie and Clairesy finished the night off in humourous style. Stevie's nose is the highlight of the night - including some of the best mime work with a beer towel you've seen. I died a slow death in here - talk about minced. I felt ill and funnily enough still do.

Walk to Eston

Me and KG braved Eston for a bit of grub while the other 4 got a taxi home. Got absolutely soaked standing about watching KG spew his entire evenings worth of booze up. Now that is a rareity!

Went to the new Pizza shop in Eston, next to Anths Barbers. Pretty cheap and tasty. Got as far as what used to be Oscars before getting KG managed to flag a taxi and we were home.

A quiet night by all accounts but a good laugh had by all.

Don't try this Drunk

Push the Orange Button!

Wednesday, December 29

Balls to Pesci

This is much better.

And here's the piccies

As promised:

A mildly ill looking Groves, and me and Mike:

The wife to be:

Claire, Joe and Jodie:

I could only do three pics or I would have had to pay for the "full thingummy" and I'm skinters after chrimbo so I think not.

The rest of the pictures are here.

Dictionary Update

Gadge is waiting an appeal.

A sentence used quite a lot in Middlesbrough.

Tuesday, December 28

Idiot Award 2004


What the f...

Let off some steam with Joe Pesci. What an actor.

What's that song?

What's that song?

Type in any band you want in the top right. Excellent fun.

Teesside: Year in review 2004

Stuff that happened in Teesside this year.

Boxing Day Marathon

Taxi There

Got picked up at 2pm and took to...

The Crown

This was the destination to watch the Brum vs. Boro match. Found a nice table to view the game but a few pints later it had filled right up and meant we had to stand to watch it. Pete and Stevie joined us at about 3.15pm (kicked off at 3.30pm). The Mighty Boro went and lost 2-0.

Moving on....

2 Zero 2

"Let's go in here, the lasses aren't coming for at least 30 mins."

Eeeeh, it was funny as in here.

Pete went to the toilet and I've never seen Stevie laugh so much talking about the plans for the stag do. Don't get too panicky Pete!!! He laughed that much he knocked my drink off the table. I got dubbed Rik Waller due to my blazer. The cheeky, big nosed f**ker.

We finished up our drinks and went over the road to...


Us four lads were well gone now. Pete wasn't too bad but he'd been asked to keep Stevie sober. An impossible task. My theory is it's not the alcohol he drinks but the amount of oxygen he breathes in through his gigantic schnoz.

Pete took some photo's on his phone for the Wallet and the best ones will be posted soon. This big lad came in laughing at us - he said "You'll need widescreen to fit you 3 in!!". Stevie asked him to join in on a photo..."Away fatty get in the picture!!"

Claire, Joanne and Jodie joined us. With it being Stevie's Birthday today (26th Dec) and Claire's on New Year's Eve, they were given a banner each to wear!! "I'm not fucking wearing that!!"

Stevie and KG took part in a bit of kissing. I really don't know what that was all about nor want to. I'm sure KG will give us a full rundown!!

Had a couple of Smirnoff Ices in here and a shot of Black Sambuka - which was disgusting before shifting on to...

The Blue Lounge

Me and KG come up with plan of wearing the two birthday banners and pretending we are twins to attract some attention. So Claire and Stevie gave them up - Claire was totally against wearing hers anyway and I don't think Stevie even knew he had one on.

"Remember chief, we were born 26/12/82."

"Okay Groves."


Think I had a Smirnoff Ice in here. Then we got a Taxi to....

Lloyds Bar

Lloyds was 8 deep at the bar so next door...


Walks in and spots a Tramp in the corner,

"Chief, got to torture him."

So he got asked if he'd completed GTA on his PS2 and if he was still full from his Xmas Dinner. Cruel some people aren't they?

A couple of Red Square's for me in here.


It was manic in here. I ran out of cash by now so went to bank wraped in tinsel and a birthday banner. Immediately got it nicked off these birds, the bitches. Came back in and got told that to be a true member of the Wallet I had to snort vinegar and lick some salt. I did it and never will again. I nearly spewed.

Stevie fell off his stool for some reason. I can't remember!! But he cracked his hand quite badly.

Then, just before we went and seeing as I had my tinsel nicked, I ripped a wreath from the wall, put it over my head and we were off too...


10 deep at the bar in here so we left for...


Eeeh, best pub of the night I reckon. My wreath was just an instant attention grabber. Everyone wanted a wear and a look. I gave my birthday banner away to this lass who was genuinely celebrating her birthday.

So me and the Grovesmeister came up with a little wager seeing as we were getting all this attention. Get your photo taken with the best looking lady you can find. Within 10 mins, the grizzly git had had one taken with two ladies. No come back for that.

Me and KG also came up with a business solution. For "no pounds and no pence" you can have your photo taken with a hunman wreath. Keith - why didn't we charge money? I'm hoping that either Pete and Keith have at least a couple of photo's to show for our efforts.

Even bagged a photo with the bouncer and about 10 other people (including Stevie with his arse out) which KG needs to pay me back as a bet.

Awesome pub man. Should have stayed in here longer or came back.

Walking to the next pub we must have told at least 20 people to log onto the Burnley Wallet. If you have then thanks for having a look chiefs!!


It was 12 deep at the bar, so down the road to...


We got turned away by a potential quote of the year...

"Sorry no checked shirts and no wreaths round the neck."

Meeting up with everyone since we got a bit split up we decided upon...


We all sat down in the corner dying - poor Stevie was as white as sheet and looked ready for a coma.


Queue was a mile long so we gave up. Stevie, Jo, Claire and Pete went home and me and KG went round to Vienna...

Walking to Vienna

These old bints tried to nick my wreath (I had it on ever since Hogshead by the way) and they were politely told where to go.


The queue was humongous and wasn't moving at all.

Anthony Johnson (former school mate) was behind us and asked to use KG's phone - he ended up nearly breaking it and took it apart. He was asleep at the time like.

Seriously lovely ladies (KG will tell you just how lovely) all wanting a hug and a stroke of my wreath. They were pinching my baubles as well.

So 30 mins later and still in the same spot we agreed it was hometime...

Taxi Home

I behaved myself though whenever the driver's mobile went off he answered with the best "Hillo?" you've heard. £10.25. Only a £1 less than Xmas Eve and we didn't kick off. Must have been in a good mood.

Walked in our house and left my wreath as a prezzie for our ma to find when she got up. I'm going to wear it out next week.

New Years Eve: Party at Claire and Stevie's House!!!!

Monday, December 27

Tom and Jerry Game

Superb graphics.

Sunday, December 26

Redcar Dip Update

I never knew it could be so cold. I have to wonder how those people dare run in the sea.

We were joined by Pete and Jo and the Zackmeister.

We even saw KG down there. Photo soon.

Breaking News

Seems the dog gang ain't going now. Teesside's resident shopaholics Pete and Jo can't avoid today's sales and will be caning the old plastic in true style.

Still, I'll be going to Redcar with our Ma and Pa. Oh joy.

Mr. Woo`s Soccer Tricks

He'd be rubbish in a proper game though wouldn't he.

Furthest an Asian team has got in a World Cup?

Xmas Day

God I was bored once I'd had my dinner yesterday. Cheers for the presents though everybody.

Roll on Boxing Day, today in fact!!

Where myself, KG, Pete, Joanne, Big Nose Stevie and BW Fan of the Year nominee Claire "I wear a" Merkin are going on an all dayer. Well the lads are and the ladies are joining us later.

I'm staying out of trouble tonight. Honest.

This morning though a whole host of Staffordshire Bull Terriers will meet on Redcar beach to watch all the lardheads run into the sea. (I tell you what - you see some of the best nipply-on's known to man.)

Zack and his doggy mates will be getting together and we will try and get some photo's on here of it.

Saturday, December 25

Xmas Eve Night Out

The long wait is over, Christmas Eve is here!

And this is what happened...


It was packed in here - everyone was out of their heads already and even before Groves had been served he was having a playful argument with this old bint who'd had 5 too many.

"Lets stand by the fruity chief away from the lardheads!"

Caned the fruity for a bit, bit of a slow start but spirits were high. It was only 5.30pm after all.

Anyway we got talking about the day and what not and this bloke was a bit worse for wear and he was staggering about eventually coming to rest on Keith's arm!

Keith looks at me and I just started laughing!!

He gets in the drunkard's ear...

"Chief - why don't ya go and lean on the bar mate, instead of me?"

"No mate, am gonna keep leaning back here."

At which point he leaned back a bit too early and crashed into the fruit machine. He then struck up a conversation with KG who superbly took the piss.

Keith: "Been out long then chief?"

With the best reply ever...

"I've been out all week!!"

Groves then bettered it.

"So what ya getting for Christmas then chief? Nice tin of Brut?"

I fucking died when he said that. A tin of Brut!!! Groves - you've deffo won quote of the year there!!

This gadge just loved Groves though - he kissed his head twice - "I fuckin' love ya mate!!".

He then gave me a friendly dig in the ribs and stumbled up the bar.

What a superb start to the evening.

Two pints of Stella later and we moved on to....


This was awesome. It was just bouncing. As we walked in and got a VK Ice each we timed it for Fairytale of New York coming on and the whole place just sang along. It was one of those spine tingling moments. Some lovely ladies in here as well. Bumped into Darren Halpin as well who I used to work with.

So we stayed in here for a while and he went through a load of Xmas tunes. All in all we had 3 bottles of VK Ice and our first playing of Mariah Carey's "All I want for Christmas is you!"

Moving on...

Hairy Lemon

Ain't been in here with Groves since we were at College! No pissing surprise cos it was rubbish. Bought a bottle of Blue WKD and drank it in double quick time. Moving next door to...

The Central

God, this was just as bad if not worse. Got a VK Ice in here and slurped it just as fast again before walking down to...


Met Parksy (who is sometimes out with us) in here who was gutted since Rob Rushby (another lad who is sometimes out with us) had gone to Normanby without telling him and his mates.

First play of Shaking Stevens in here - superb tune. We had two bottles of Red Square each in here I believe before going next door to...


...where we got a DVRB each and eyed the women up dancing. There was a load of lardheads in fancy dress as well, but expensive fancy dress. Why? No Xmas tunes in here. Shocking.

There was a group of lasses as well and one had a crutch which soon became a pole for them to gyrate on. Made great viewing I tell ya!

Huxters Again!

Why not go back to where it's jumping? So we did!

It was excellent - Mariah Carey again and a couple of VK Ices each. I think this was the best pub of the night for people, tunes and atmosphere. There was these birds covered in Xmas lights and they obviously needed chatting up - but to no avail. I also offered to buy a Santa hat off this woman for £20 but she refused. Bitch.


Popped in here for a quick Reef.


Not a clue what happened in here. Keith was looking for his work mate Aimee but couldn't find her and unbelievably the upstairs bar was shut. It was a good job we were in high spirits cos it would have been quite a poor night out so far!!


Went in here and it was okay - it was quite full. Nothing memorable happened though I don't think. It was just one of those "it's on the way" pubs. VK Orange was the drink. Just the one. Having just called KG for a reminder and I knew he wouldn't forget this but apparently there was lesbians on the dance floor getting it on. HLA as we like to call it. Hot Lesbian Action.


For some inexplicable reason KG bought us a Corona and Lime each - it was a killer. I couldn't drink mine. Moving on - saw former teacher Miss Lowe but she was out of arse pinching range!!


Now this was just excellent - we were now both off our faces by now and the place was bouncing - Xmas tunes, singing, dancing mixed with treble vodka and cokes makes for one hell of an experience - we had Mariah Carey again (oof!) but we had all of 'em. Slade, Wizzard, Pogues, Stevens, Lennon.

It was brilliant.

Barry Cuba Again

I had to go in here on the way to Walkabout just to spew my guts up. By now I'd had: -

2 pints,
7 VK Ice,
1 Double Vodka Red Bull,
2 bottles of Red Square,
1 Blue WKD,
1 Reef
2 VK Orange
1 Corona and lime
2 Treble Vodka and Cokes

...and a partridge in a pear tree

Recovered from that with another VK Orange and I couldn't find KG anywhere till I looked into the back of the pub where he was sat putting on a pair of Santa trousers!!!

I creased up laughing and when he stood up it had a load of rips in like a pair of designer jeans!!

Someone must have left them behind and walked home in his boxers.

KG kept them on and off we went singing our way to...


It was a bit empty but it was awesome - more Xmas tunes. Think we had Carey again and Slade mixed with a load of the stuff we love from a Saturday night. A couple of classic moments were firstly during one particularly frantic track KG took a slip on the dance floor.

I looked away - "He's fallen over the deadbeat!!"

I looked back and...he's still dancing!!!

Then everyone in the place just became best mates and linked arms and the jumping began. It took me back to The George in 1999 leaping about to Feed the World.

A fantastic way to finish the night.

Both feeling the strain we left there and felt we could hack....

Chicago Rock Cafe

£10 later and one walk around the place looking for some people and we left without buying a drink.

Where on earth was everyone last night? You missed a truly epic night out!!!!

We left there after a bit of crack with the Bouncers and one of us (me probably) said, "Lets go and wind the prozza's up!!! It'll be funny as."

Eeeeh, funny as this. One of the scruffiest, mingiest women you've seen comes up and asks "Looking for business!!?!" in the scalliest accent known to man.

"Why? Do ya run a taxi firm, cos I want to go home!"

I hears a cry of "Bean!! Police!!" Groves had nearly ran home the big poof.

This police van pulls up with the window down.

I says, "Excuse me officer, this lady is offering me business and quite frankly all I need is a taxi."

She kicked off at me and I was kindly thanked by the policeman who swiftly bundled her into the back.

I did my bit for Boro for Xmas. I fancy a job as an undercover cop me.

Taxi Home

Genius. Could be the moment of the year.

It all started out very pleasantly and then it descended into madness!! We were only messing him about but it was classic and he got so wound up!!

He wanted paying in full before we set off.

"Er, meter my friend" was the cry from us two but he wasn't having it.

I came up with a compromise.

"I tell ya what right my friend. I'll give you a tenner and then we'll see what happens eh?"

Every sentence either of us two said finished with "my friend".

I told him to go past the Riverside and he didn't have a clue where he was going. It was all part of the fun!!

Every corner he took he'd get a cry of...."Fucking hell chief, we only went round a corner and it went up by 15p!!! You're meter want's looking at mah fren."

We eventually pulled up at my house after a lengthy discussion about God (as you do) and then we probably went a bit too far.

"£11.25 please." He asked.

It was met with a sigh from us two. "Jesus Christ mate, reporting you to the council man. Shocking!! We've given you a tenner already and now you want more. It's not Charles Dickens this you know."

"Sorry but meter says £11.25 please."

"Away my friend, I want a receipt. I need evidence if I'm going to put you away!! Av already had one criminal locked up tonight and I'm quite willing to do it again my friend. I'm a vigilante me you know."

KG was pissing himself in the back seat.

So the poor driver wrote out a receipt and all the while the meter is going up.

He then had the gaul to tell KG he was paying the rest of the meter when he got to his house to which I swiftly replied.

"Oh no no no - he's only paying what it is from setting off again to getting to his house. It's up to you to write a receipt and get my change. Not us." (Mind games totally rule.)

Eeeeh, he didn't like that one - he'd started swearing at us by now and getting really mad.

"Right!!! I want ya number plate, I'm not being sworn at."

KG jumped out as well by now when it got to this stage.

So I jumps out and writes down the plate on the front. With his pen I hasten to add.

"I tell ya, you'll be hearing from the Council very soon!! I don't like you anymore my friend and I hope you have a bad Christmas."

So he drives off saying, "Piss off, just piss off!!"

Me and Groves then let out an almighty cheer and declared it the best taxi ride home ever. KG then flips his phone open to show us the photographic evidence of his plates which I'll try and get scanned in!!

What a truly superb night out. 10/10. Awesome!!!!

Friday, December 24

Things of the year - 2004

Here's my stuff:

Song of the year:

Take me out - Franz Ferdinand
Jesus Walks - Kanye West
Destroy Rock 'n' Roll - Mylo

Album of the year:

College Dropout - Kanye West
A Job Ain't Nuthin but Work - J-Zone
The Black Album - Jay-Z

Knob of the year:

El Hadji Diouf
Laney's gaffer from Blacky
Alan Shearer

BW Fan:

Big Nose and Clairsey
Gambling Joey
Das Spunken

Drink of the year:

Vodka Lemon
Stella Artois

Footy moment:

Rooneys hat-trick against Fanny-Basher
The couple of minutes after Zendens penalty in the final
Seeing JFH and Viduka in Boro shirts

Best bit:

Big Night Out
Start of the wallet

That'll dink dank doo for me like.

Cheers to everyone who's aided or abetted us over this half a year. Cheers to Dale for a top wedding. Cheers to Mike and Groves for supplying unfailing night out humour whenever I needed it. Cheers to Joanne for saying yes. And of course, the most thanks to me, cos I'm fucking class.


It's only fucking Xmas Eve isn't it?!!

KG's nominations for The BW Awards.

So as 2004 draws to an end, we here at BW HQ have come up with a series of awards, to acknowledge the winners and losers of what has been a great year.

Here are my nominee's.

Best Footballing Moment

  1. Boro winning the Carling Cup.
  2. Wayne Rooney's performances in Euro 2004.
  3. Arsenal winning the Premier League undefeated.
Best non Football sporting moment

  1. Great Britons rowers winning Gold in Athens
  2. Kelly Holmes winning 2 gold medals
  3. Europe winning the Ryder Cup in America.

Best Night out

  1. October 16th, Groves unbelievably drunk
  2. The night Groves went for a ride in the Trolley
  3. My 21st Birthday Party.

Funniest moment

  1. Groves falling out of his seat in the back of the Taxi
  2. Andrew Garrens spitting Orange VK over some scally scouser.
  3. Stevie Merks pissing in a Pringles tube.

Funniest quote

  1. "Whats an Ice Cream Chief". Blackpool Pleasure beach
  2. "Oh Come here Chief". After chasing them lads up Linthorpe Rd.
  3. "If ya dont pack in, al give ya a slap" Mikey to the Students in Walkabout.

Best weekend away

  1. Blackpool for Dales Stag Do.
  2. The Grand National weekend in Liverpool
  3. Blackpool with the Rushby lads.

Best pub

  1. Hogs Head
  2. Vienna Bar
  3. Walkabout

Best alcoholic drink

  1. Stella
  2. Double Vodka and Red Bull
  3. Corona and Lime

Best TV programme

  1. Max and Paddy
  2. Bad Lads Army
  3. Big Brother

Best TV moment

  1. Ahmed smashing up the plates in Big Brother
  2. The General from Bad Lads Army, talkin to one of the recruits "You dont wonna Fuck with me"
  3. Vic from Big Brother, doing one of his raps in the Diary Room.
Best new word

  1. Chief
  2. Deadhead
  3. Lardhead
loser of the year

  1. Sad Sack
  2. Mark/Scott from Dales Stag Do
  3. Tony Lanes mate from the Satda night in Blackpool

Best BW Post
  1. The story of the lad who fancied phone sex but left his mobile switched on, and incurred a huge phone bill
  2. The Words to Baggy Trousers
  3. The death of Casper.

Fave song

  1. Take me out by Franz Ferdinand
  2. Love Machine by Girls Aloud
  3. Stupid Disco by Junior Jacks

Best BW fan

  1. Claire Murkin
  2. Gambling Joey
  3. Matthew (who used to work with Mikey, after all his nickname is BW Super Fan)

biggest dissappointment

  1. England losing on Pens to Portugal in Euro 2004
  2. Saturday night in Blackpool
  3. Pizza Pazza's Parmo's

Chiefston award for Contribution to the wallet

  1. Mike
  2. Pete
  3. Keith

2004 Burnley Wallet Awards

This year the BW staff, me, Groves and Pierre, will put forward three nominees for each category and when we next meet will decide the overall winner for each one.

Here are my nominees: -

Favourite Song

The Hives - Walk Idiot Walk
Franz Ferdinand - Take Me Out
Madness - Baggy Trousers

Best Burnley Wallet fan

Claire Merkin
Gambling Joey
Brian Tetzlaff

Biggest Dissappointment

The last episode of Max and Paddy
Not winning any money at the Grand National
The Saturday night in Blacky

Drink of the Year

Pint of Vodka Red Bull

Best TV Moment

Ricky Gervais' acceptance speech at Comedy Awards
Little Britain - gadgey in the wheelchair dive bombs into the pool
Paul Burrell eating the bugs in I'm a Celeb

Best BW Post

This - True Story
This - My First Post
This - Because it gave us so many hits.

Best Sporting Moment - Football

Boro lifting the Carling Cup
Wayne Rooney tears Croatia apart
Man United vs Arsenal - how much build up?

Best Sporting Moment - Non Football

The Rowers win the gold at the Olympics
Kelly Holmes wins gold
Paula Radcliffe gives up

Best Night out

Tonight - Xmas Eve
This one
My 21st Birthday with work.

Funniest Personal Moment

Pushing KG around in the shopping trolley.
KG at BK
This. Black chiefs.

Funniest Quote

"Can I have an Ice Cream chief?"
"Can any chief and his dog go up stairs?"
"Chief - can't go out tonight. I've got gastro."

Best Weekend Away

Grand National
My birthday - although not away, I was on a different planet for most of it.

Best Pub

The Hogshead

Best TV Programme

Max and Paddy
Big Brother
Lad's Army

Best New Word


Loser of the Year

Nathan Paylor
The total cunt from Blackpool on the Saturday night.

Chiefston award for Contribution to the Wallet

Gambling Joey
I am Bored
Me, Keith and Pete

Winners announced soon!!!!

We Love the Matrix

BW Christmas Party

We went to the pub the other night.

It was most enjoyable.

In fact, we even took some piccies.

Aren't we clever. And indeed, ugly.

I was behind the lens you see.

Wednesday, December 22

Was this the night out of the year?

The Night Out - A Day Late!

It's a definite nominee.

Coming soon: The Burnley Wallet Awards!!


Ever wanted to be a Jedi? You're one step closer...

Lightsaber Now!!

The Beatles' Sgt. Pepper's Cover

Ever wondered who they were?

Simpsons Snowball Fight

Throw snowballs at Martin Prince and Milhouse. Genius

Tuesday, December 21

Merry Christmas

From all of us.

Even this twat.

Life is like a box of Chocolates

Made entirely of Turkish Delight.

Bad, bad day at the office.

Monday, December 20

Create A Santa

Create A Santa

Make sure you look at the Top Ten.

The Amazing Movie Generator!

They should make some of these!

Does it say Chief?

Oddcast Text-To-Speech Demos

Nearly Chrimbo

And I'm not even vaguely excited.

I'm not. Honest.

Even sat here in my full Santa costume I feel no festive spirit.

Bah, extra strong mints.

Sunday, December 19

Bit of an Update

I left comment on this fine site. SciFi Daily.

Just for a bit of free advertising cos they were one of the blogs that caught Bloggers eye.

I suppose if you're into that kind of thing eh? Not my cup of tea, but I had a look at the Sci Fi Channel last night on Sky Digical just past midnight and dink dank doo, there was some seriously hot lesbian action going on!!

My Xmas shopping is now complete! Thank the Lord.

Middlesbrough - get some more decent shops eh? I went in the Gadget Shop and was mobbed by a hoarde of Robo-Sapiens. £80? For a souped up Transformer? No way!

Pierre is suffering today, so yet again the Xmas decs will be delayed. It'll be next year at this frigging rate.

Anyway have a look at these, multiply them by a tack factor of 10 and you're still nowhere near Middlesbrough's finest.

Jingle All The Way is on at 2pm this aftie - it's not Arnie's best but it is one of the better Xmas film's. Especially when you've done all your shopping and poor Ahnuld is still looking for his Turbo Man.

To any of you who tuned in to E4 this weekend to not find the Peter Kay series as I said. Sorry about that! Must be next weekend or maybe I imagined it.

Saturday, December 18

Max and Paddy Theme Tune

You love it, we love it.

But this is where they got it from...

BJ and the Bear

Listen now - look out for the "...and best of all I don't pay pa-roperty tax!!"

Friday, December 17

E4, with this Peter Kay you are really spoiling Us!

This weekend for all those Peter Kay fans and poor souls who aren't going out (me included) E4 is putting on a feast of Peter Kay.

Tonight sees Phoenix Nights Series 1, tomorrow is Series 2 and Sunday sees the entire series of Max and Paddy: Road to Nowhere.

Looking for the theme tune? Listen now.

Blow Up Doll News

Oh how I wish I had a Digital work today and I looked out the window at the building site next door. They were laying the tarmac for the new car park and this bloke is in some sort of unique tarmaccing vehicle.

This thing had two steering wheels.

He was in one and sat in the other one was, no word of a lie, a blow up doll.


Thursday, December 16


Feel free to submit entries for Parmo and Gadge.

I have. Don't know what they need to get it in the book like.

Dictionary Update

Me and Pete have both joined the site.

Gadge and Parmo seem to be the best bets.

The Dictionary

This is a definite challenge for us.

Collins have opened up a "living dicitionary" and are accepting submissions for everyday words and phrases that have yet to make it to the dictionary.

If a word has enough submissions and a definition can be agreed, it could make it into the hardback edition.

After visiting the site...


...I can confirm that these everyday terms aren't in there.

Dink Dank Doo

So the challenge?

The Burnley Wallet has to get a new word into the Collins English Dictionary!

The Price is Right!!

This guy goes completely ape shit on Bob Barker's The Price is Right.

Watch now.

Yes Groves, Bob Barker is the gadge off Happy Gilmore who has the fight with Happy.

"The Price is Wrong Bitch!" (plus loads more of the film quotes here)

Wednesday, December 15

No Nights here's some random shite

Well not until Xmas Eve anyway.

That is barring any lame excuses such as "being too drunk" eh Groves?

Christ this weekend is shaping to be a complete and utter snoozefest. KG is at his work's Xmas do which although I was invited was then barred a few days later. "Yall cramp me style Hean!"

£10 Groves doesn't pull.

And then even though we had agreed it KG has pulled out of a night out up Boro on Saturday. The lardhead!

I'll be in tears at 5pm Satda!!

So this weekend holds a potentially lethal trip to Middlesbrough to finalise my Xmas shopping. It'll be chokka. Boro are at home that day in the Prem and while the husbands watch the match the missus does the weekly "big shop". Least there'll be plenty of birds about then!

Bought some seriously duff Xmas pressies this year compared to last and spent probably less than half the money on stuff. My money, I earned it.

Das Spunken has stuck a link on his site God love him and I think we will indeed be putting our adverts in a dating agency to see what kind of response we get. Could be a good feature for Ze Wallet.

Got given a Xmas quiz at work which I promptly sent home, spent ten minutes on the Net and then I thought I'd better start looking for the answers. Ho ho.

Anyway, that is about all that is happening at the moment.

Derek Shannon - Cheer up Eh?

How's this for a review of Max and Paddy?

Miserable twat.

Boro's Xmas Decs

At long last myself and Pete will be touring the streets of Middlesbrough tomorrow and taking some snaps of the best decorations seen on Earth. All the best ones are coming on here.

Tuesday, December 14


So I'm at work today, picked a cup up and it smashed in my hand resulting in several thousand small cuts and a trip to the first aider.

Which was nice.

Das Spunken

"...take an idea and make it better...."

Just like this top geezer who has gone to town on the Celebrity Sex Dolls!! I noticed he'd deleted a comment from this post and found his site.

Most of his site is classic stuff and just like he has we will be "sharing" some of his better ideas and putting the Burnley Wallet twist on them.

Welcome to the World of Das Spunken

Good work fella!

Neily T

Big "Hello!!" to Neil Terrett, a former work mate who is guaranteed to read this site within the week.

Hits Explosion

Not a clue what happened yesterday but we got a magnificent (for us) 160 unique hits.

Huge thanks to everyone who visited the page which leads me into the next BW Challenge....

10,000 unique views before the end of 2005.

Monday, December 13

Celeb Sex Dolls - The Last Few

As Peter so brilliantly put it: -

"It's the porn equivalent of finding Jesus in your Coco Pops."

Since the mention of an "animal special" edition of Celebrity Sex Dolls, it was instantly banned.

But not to waste them, here are the other ones I had lined up.

Marilyn Monroe - Norma Jean Baker

Priest - Vicar


Tara Reid Boob Slip Special - Tara Reid Boob Slip Blow Up Special

Michael Reiziger

We just saw (what appeared to be) Boro full back and top player Michael Reiziger in Tesco.

He, of course, plays for Holland, and he was on one side of the aisle when we moved past him.

You could say we 'passed the dutchie on the the left hand side.'

Or not.

The Wallet goes World-Wide

Big thanks to this top fella who has linked to our mighty site.

Not quite sure what you see in it fella, but give us a shout some time and we'll stick a link on for your site. Let us know what you like!

Thanks again!!

Celebrity Sex Dolls 5

Today's Episode: - Myra Hindley

The Murderer

The Doll

Tomorrow: - Marilyn Monroe


This is the classic story at BK from the other Sunday. Me and KG were feeling peckish so we went up to the drive through at Teeside Park like the porkers we are.

So we got up the microphone and Keith ordered the food.

"Please drive up to the bay window."

Just before we got to the window, I says to Keith, "How many times can you say 'Chief' when ya order the food?"

"Good evening." The gadge says.

"Now chief."

"Won't be long."

"Okay chief."

"What drinks would you like?"

He turns to me in the passenger seat - I'm creased up laughing already.

"Chief - what drink?"

Through a splurt of spit and laughing...


"Two cokes please chief!"

"Cokes?" says the gadge.

"Yeah, cokes chief."

"I'll just go and get you them."

"Alright chief. Cheers."

"There's your straws and drinks."

"Thanks chief. It is two cokes innit chief?"


"Cheers chief."

"I'll just see where your meals are."

"Okay chief!"

Whenever the bloke turned away, Groves would turn to me in fits of laughter.

"Here are your meals."

I was crying by now!

"Oh, nice one chief. Sorry chief, have you got any tom sauce chief?"

"Tomato sauce?"

"Please chief."

"There you go. Enjoy your meal."

"Cheers chief."

"Thank's, good night now."

"Later chief!"

I am creased laughing typing this.

12pm till 2am

Lift There

Got a lift up with Keith, me personal chauffer. Recounted a classic story of a recent visit to BK which will be blogged very soon.


So I got dropped at Lloyds and the plan was to meet Andrew Garrens upstairs at 12 noon.

I goes up, gets a pint and couldn't see him anywhere. Sits down and it got to like 12.20. I text his missus to see if she'd dropped him off.

She replied, "I'm not dropping him off."


I got up out the seat and it was quite busy in there. There was this woman just stood by the bar and I don't know if she was foreign but she asked if "She could sit at the table I'd just left."

"Go for it chief."


"You can sit there, I'm not leaving the pub, just the table."

She still didn't get me the mad bint.

I went on the fruity and bagged £6 - all this teaching of Keith and Ahdal must be paying off. Finished on that and it was about 12.30 now.

"He must be downstairs?" I thought to myself.

Mid way down the stairs and there he is coming up.

Lagers in and we were off at last.

We stood up for a bit waiting for a table and got a superb spot right next to the bar. Then Cheryl arrived and told us Debbie had toothache and wouldn't be coming, then Andrew Pollard and his mate.

Then Helen joined us and we ordered some grub. The pints of lager were flying down as well.

We had our dinner, Andrew Pollard's mate left us and then Richard (these are all workmates by the way) joined us from his Xmas shopping for a couple of drinks.

The conversation we had was just mental. We managed to slag nigh on every one off at work, talked about Rampant Rabbits, Maltesers in "strange" places, toothpaste, Andrew Pollard who was born with half an arm bless him and how he used it as a well, I'll stop there!!!

It was an absolutely class laugh - just insane.

Whenever we all get together it's a guaranteed good night and is always one of the best nights of the year. We just don't do it enough.

Richard left us and we carried on in here. Myself and Andrew must have had 9 or 10 pints in here. Monsters!


We finally left Lloyds at about 5ish absolutely monged - the Boro game finished when we got in here when Stu Downing banged in the equaliser. We sat near the window and the pace didn't stop. I think I had 4 bottles of Red Square which gave me a second wind. Conversation didn't slacken off either, if anything it got worse but I won't divulge!! After leaving here, I suggested going to the Hogshead but it was empty so went next door to....


I have very little memory of being in here other than getting afterhshave off the gadge in the toilets and Andrew Garrens dancing with these two birds on the dancefloor. I'm so proud to say I restrained myself. Drank two VK Ice in here, which were warm and minging.

Andrew Pollard had a massive duffel coat on and now and forever more is going to be called Paddington.

Hairy Lemon

Went in here and we were all struggling now. Cheryl was getting picked up at 6.30pm and she left us then. Helen was going at 7.30 and gave us all a Xmas kiss before she went. Now I say Xmas kiss - it was more a full on five minute snog and lapdance! Wahey. So it was just the boys left and, drinking up, we went to...


The highlights of the Boro match were on but we couldn't stand up anymore and had to haver a sit down. Andrew Garrens fell asleep in here. As he called it today " was just a Power Nap..."

Andrew Pollard went - he couldn't hack the lager anymore. I'd moved on to refreshing Smirnoff Ice which really hit the spot.


I somehow managed to get Andrew G to go in here. It was pretty empty though. Can't have been 9pm yet but we got a drink each which I think we drank fairly quickly before moving onto....


I think we both just leant against the wall and died in here. I was seriously feeling it now and Andrew could barely stand up. I think we both had VK Orange in here but again very quick and we were out.

Spensely's Emporium

Andrew was out of it now but we got in here and had another one. Again, very quick. We were probably in here for an hour but my memory of it isn't good.

We left here now and Andrew was after a bit of kebab/parmo and I wanted Vienna knowing how good it is at that time whenever I'm out with KG.

So he went in there and I got grabbed by these 35 - 40 year old slappers who thought I shouldn't be out on the street and should go with them to Isaacs where they'd get me a drink. Wanting more booze, who was I to say no?

Isaac Wilsons

So this mad women offers me a free drink. "Er...double vodka red bull please."

I might have been drunk but I'm a natural born stinger.

Drank that and sort of staggered about a bit talking to these birds. They were really drunk. Worse than me.


Went to Chicago and queued for ages - probably 40 minutes. £5 in and it was absolutely gash. I waited another 20 minutes for a drink. Had a good laugh like with this gadge who looked like Super Mario. Drank that very fast, had a walk around and headed for guaranteed good fun...


Took me ages to get there. I could barely walk. Got to the door and Aaron, a lad I work with warned me, "Don't go in mate, it's garbage!"

I didn't take his advice but wish I had - you couldn't move in there and the music he played was just terrible. Had some water and went home. Got in at 2am and went straight to bed.

Up until Andrew went it was one of the night's out of the year. I wish I'd gone home then to be honest. Lloyds especially was just awesome.

It will have to be done again very soon.

Christmas Party

The Sporting Lodge, Peter and Joanne's wedding reception venue, was host to the TVHG Official Xmas Do and do you know, it was quite alright.

It was all very civilised, not much bitching or slagging off and what have you.

I got a bit of a shock early on. I expected the worst when KG rang to say he couldn't pick me up till after 7pm.

I says "Keith man, we get served food at 7.30pm! I'm gonna have one of those walk in and everyone stops and stares moments!!!"

I always get very nervous about these work do's and now I was bricking it. Why I worry is hard to explain but there was no need to, I was about the fifth there.

Went into the bar for a couple of pints first and it seemed everyone had gathered there rather than the restaurant bit.

Anyway, it was all boring stuff, got a free pint like before we went into the dinner bit.

There was all sorts of balloons, crackers, poppers, streamers and the usual shite that falls into your pint (three times it happened to mine) on the tables. When we first went in everyone turned into a bunch of children and they just had to use everything and blow these balloons up and let them off. 'kin grow up!

Whilst everyone was messing with these the DJ exhausted his Xmas tunes. I was thinking "Nice one, he's practising for later!"

The food was alright, I'm a fussy bastard when it comes to food, but I ate most of it. Roast Beef, lovely.

Once dinner was over, the dancing began but he hit us with some of the worst music on planet earth including "Hey Mickey" and the Bob the Builder version of "Mambo no. 5".

He did play Daft Punk's "One More Time" though, which is damned good when you haven't heard for a while.

I was gutted though, he didn't play any more Xmas tunes. Shocking. Truly shocking.

Lager was cheaper than I thought at £2.10 and I should have drank a lot more than the six pints I had. But I had the 14 hour session on my mind that would follow on the Saturday.

So I had a bit of a dance with the lovely ladies and that was about it to be honest. No classic funnies or mental moments.

Everyone drifted off there own way, I was one of the last to leave - we were meant to go to town but it had gotten too late.

And that was Mikey's Xmas do!! Wasn't bad, just nothing happened.

Have Yourself a Wallet Little Christmas

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to:

The lovely Joanne
Zack the Dog
Dale and his sexy blow up doll
Clairsey and Big Nose
Gambling Joey
Andrew H (psychotic boro fan and guest book abuser)
Brian Tetzlaff and all his laydeez
Mike's guestbook signing gaffer
Katie Mac
Nathan Paylor
That bloke Mike phoned in the middle of the night
All at Planet Italy
All the chiefs in the town
The assembled BW superfans
The chiefs at BK (You got it! Chief!)

And anyone else who's ever come into contact with the best blog to have 0.00004 % of the market share. Whatever that might mean.

We love you all!

Especially Brian Tetzlaff!

Sunday, December 12

Place The State

Place The State

The Weekend

Christmas Party on Friday night.

Started at 12 noon and finished at 2am yesterday.

I'm going back to bed.

Friday, December 10

Celebrity Sex Dolls 4

Today's Episode - Daniella Westbrook

The Actress - (what is going on in this picture?)

The Blow Up Doll - flickering eyes - why?

Tomorrow - Myra Hindley

Thursday, December 9

Sounds Like Scooter

But it rock's your browser! Play now.

Porn Star or My Little Pony?

Take the quiz here.

Circle Run

Hold down the left mouse button to turn left - stay on the track.

Click to play.

Emma Miller

Emma has signed the guestbook to put up a bit of defense for herself.

To help with her case, here's a real life photo of Emma.

Celebrity Sex Dolls 3

Today's episode - Des O'Conner

The Orange Chat Show Host

The Orange Blow Up Doll

Tomorrow: - Daniella Westbrook

Day 7: Getting Depressed

All shopping and no boozing makes Mike a dull boy.
All shopping and no boozing makes Mike a dull boy.
All shopping and no boozing makes Mike a dull boy.
All shopping and no boozing makes Mike a dull boy.
All shopping and no boozing makes Mike a dull boy.
All shopping and no boozing makes Mike a dull boy.

3 fucking hours Xmas shopping.

Wednesday, December 8

Celebrity Sex Dolls - 2

We've had Leslie Ash.

Now here we have dazzling eyes, blue mascara and jet black hair.

Elizabeth Taylor - The Actress

Elizabeth Taylor - The Blow Up Doll

Tomorrow - Des O'Conner!!

Max and Paddy Theme Tune

Here's a treat for you all. Why not sing-a-long?

Click here to play.

Mikey's Annual Leave: Day 5 and 6 Update

Well half way through what feels like eternity and here's an update on my shenanigans: -

Yesterday I fell out of bed at 10.45am, got showered and what not and went for Jane from works leaving dinner at Etsuko in Middlesbrough. I went for the Honey Lemon Chicken which was rather nice. That killed an hour and a half. Then had a wonder into town an bought her a leaving card.

Took our mam down to Tesco at Redcar which has replaced the Safeway next to the Racecourse. It's a scaled down version and was pretty rubbish to be honest. But driving home, saw some cracking houses with Xmas Decs up.

Went to Teesside Park with Pete on the night and had a look about, nowt flash over there except the keyboard display in Toys R'us - they have to be played!

Then we had a bit of a drive about looking for Xmas Decorations to be photographed for the Wallet.

Along with the Redcar ones, we've found some absolute beauts.

Hemlington is home to the best/worst (a question of taste) decs you've seen. They're coming soon to the Wallet.

Today I dragged myself back to Middlesbrough for a bit of Xmas shopping. Got Peter's other pressie that he asked for, me Dad's sorted and got half of Joanne's stuff.

Middlesbrough was packed. I drove up on the Cleveland Centre roof, ignoring the "Car Park Full" sign of course and grabbed the nearest pedestrian.

"You going home mate?"


"Nice one, I'll have ya space. Got much time left on your ticket?"

Bit of cheekiness gets you everywhere.

Try Woolworths for presents, I got a couple in there at knockdown prices.

I'm off now to help put the Xmas Tree in the front room.

Monday, December 6

BW Puts its Decs Up


It's funny, honest.

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, " it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a devine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

The tosser.


The hits are rolling in. 2100 unique people have visited the Wallet.

At Last

Finally overtaken Keith in the Profile Views!!

I'm now on 322 and he's stuck on 280 the old grizzly chief.

You can view my profile here. (Hehehehe, should boost my numbers a little.)

Mikey's Annual Leave: Day 4 Update

The new Widescreen TV has arrived for downstairs. Hurrah!!

It is however about 4ft deep so it just sort of sits in the middle of the front room. Sublime picture on it like.

Xmas Tree

Can't be arsed putting your tree up this year?

Decorate one on-line! Drag the decorations into the pots of paint to change their colours.

Decorate it here.

Xmas Jigsaw

It's piss easy but it's festive and killed ten minutes. Click Here to play.

Day 4 of Mikey's 10 Days Off

Got up at 9.30am, bit of an e-mail convo with Pierre on the stag do, went for my hair cut, got in, hoovered up and had a bacon sarnie.

Annual leave eh? Can't be beaten.

Sunday, December 5

Mikey's Top 5 Xmas Tunes

5. Mud - It'll be Lonely this Christmas
(Lyrics, Brief Snippet)

4. Roy Wood - I Wish it Could be Christmas Everyday
(Lyrics, Brief Snippet)

3. The Pogues - Fairytale of New York
(Lyrics, Brief Snippet)

2. John Lennon - Happy Xmas (War is Over)
(Lyrics, Brief Snippet)

1. Slade - Merry Christmas Everybody
(Lyrics, Brief Snippet, Video Snippet)

It's Chrrrissstmassss!!!

You know you're going to be inundated with Xmas games and what not.

We've had Bouncing Santa.

Here's the "Letter to Santa Generator"

More to come - only on the Wallet!!!

Warp Records

Bonkers Website found at I am Bored God love 'em. Sunday's would be somehow even worse without it.

Born, Died and Married

So who was born, who died and who got married on your birthday?

Mikey - 22 February

KG - 16 March

Pierre - 7 August

Bounce Santa

Play it now - wish that Football one was as easy as this.

On-line Deer Hunting

This is awesome. Get it played now. Deer Hunting.

Mikey's Big Night In

Woke up feeling refreshed, healthy, full of life - possibly the only time I've felt this way on a Sunday morning this whole year.

Force of habit has led me to give a full rundown of the night: -


During the afternoon footy, I went to bed hoping I could sleep through my alchol cravings and managed about an hour's sleep. Got woke up for my tea though and sat through...

You've Been Framed

"Oh God, not You've Been Framed!" I thought to myself. But wait - Harry Hill presents it now!!! It's classic stuff at times. They've given it the injection it needed.

The best clip for me was when these two teenagers where emulating Jackass and ran and leapt over a park bench. The first one did it no problems.

The second one though, ran, put his leading leg on the seating bit which slipped through the gap at the back! However, his momentum carried him over and we had what looked like a severely broken leg!

Thoroughly enjoyed You've Been Framed for the first time in at least a decade. Well done ITV.

Record of the Year

Girls Aloud was the only ones worth watching and thank God they were on first.


Whacked a couple of posts on to the Wallet between 6pm and 7pm.


Engaged in chats with both Pierre and the Grovester and bigged up the Wallet. Also much talk of how to get through the night without going out. That took up another couple of hours - also blogged whilst I chatted as well. Jacked in the chatting at about 9ish and it was time for a bit of top quality TV.


Now the words Saturday night and TV line-up are obviously lost on the TV schedulers. Jesus, what a load of gash.

From probably 9 - 10 I just flicked about looking for something to watch. There was just nowt on any of the countless channels on Sky Digical.

Al Muray - My Gaffe, My Rules

This came on at 10 on Paramount 2. Even though I have it on DVD, I still watched it. Damned funny like. "What's ya name squire?!"

Match of the Day/Football First

Watched Chelsea, Arsenal and Man U bang their goals in. Ronaldo's celebration was good wasn't it? The deadbeat.

And that was about it before I decided to go to sleep at about midnight.

Staying in is not for me.

Saturday, December 4

Blow Up Dolls.....again

Mr Peter Heaney!

Staying In but Looking Forward

Is hard to do, but we are offically at home and not drinking alcohol. I'm on Pepsi Max and sadly there's no vodka in it.

Speaking of Max - Max and Paddy was again superb last night. Pete made a good point though of how he's brought back Brian Potter for cheap laughs when he didn't really have to. Still class though I thought. (It was blatantly not Dave Spikey playing Jerry St. Clair!)

Been spending hours putting finance spreadsheets together to get me through the Christmas period and it's not looking as bad as first imagined. I may be able to squeeze another night out in somewhere before the Big Day - Christmas Eve.

I'm looking forward to that more than Christmas Day because, much like today, I'll be sat in bored to death waiting for me dinner to cook.

The Wallet is continuing to provide a superb interest and is becoming a bit of steam train all of a sudden.

We're getting a little bit more risque and well, hits is hits!! The more filth the better I say.

I say we run a "Information Super Highway Honies" this year and have our gorgeous female readers send us pictures of themselves much like FHM's "High Street Honies" but totally different. Honest.

One day this coming week I think myself and Pete will be going on a bit of tour of Middlesbrough's roughest estates with the "Digical" Camera and grabbing a whole host of the worst Chrimbo Decs you've seen. We've got only a few seconds before the camera will be nicked so we'll get the best we can.

"Celebrity Blow Up Doll Look-a-Likes" is going to become a regular feature it appears!! The Emma Newton one. Genius. You can find a picture of her in our pictures if you look hard enough.

Lot's more interesting stuff coming soon as well.

Watch this space, 2005 should be a cracker for us all.

Blow Up Dolls - again

Predictable this mind......


And very festive as well.

Blow Up Doll

Emma (Newton) Miller.

But with blonde hair.


Challenge Completed

2004 unique hits achieved before 31st December 2004.

The Burnley Wallet has completed it. So do we go and celebrate?

For five minutes yes, but we strive to challenge ourselves to even greater tasks.

Our new adventure?

2005 by the end of 2005!

Celebrity Sex Dolls

I think we should all find a sex doll look-a-like.

My effort: -

Leslie Ash

The Actress

The Blow Up Doll


After an explosion of blogging from me and Pete we have reached a huge milestone in 2,000 unique hits!! 4 more to go to beat the challenge of 2004 by the end of 2004. We pissed it!!

Big thanks to everyone who's visited.

First Time for Everything

Definitely staying in tonight. Unless someone can lend me £50.


Peter uses "natch" all the time and do you know, I wasn't sure what it meant.

Apprently it's short for "Naturally".

"Ah!!" I said.

You learn something new everyday at the Wallet.....

....such as if Rudolph were the leader of Santa's Reindeer, then it would be possible for the other eight to be arranged in 40,320 ways.

Their names being, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner (Kebab) and Blitzen.

Got the time Chief? Part 2

Clocks rule.

Friday, December 3

I know it's old but it's so damn funny......

Goddamit Groves, I never knew you were so damn funky!

Flash to the Future

This is just superb.

It's Back to the Future but condensed down into a Flash version. I thought the "Hello, Hello, anybody home?" bits and whenever Doc is shocked at something are classic.

Enjoy it now. Click here to watch. (takes a couple of mins to load but it's worth it.)

Pete's Xmas Schedule


Weekly challenge

Right, let's get this weekly challenge thing started eh?

Before next Friday an invisible BW prize to the supplier of the most garish chrimbo decorations.

I think a drive round South Bank with the old digi camera might be on the cards.

E-mail me your piccys fellas!

Keith's Xmas stopping in schedule

Er, there isn't one.

Premiership Plus

With this offer they are really spoling us!!

The 30 remaining PPV games for £25. Less than £1 a game. It's £6 usually!!

Any of you fellow walleteers want to watch a PPV game then Mikey's house it is.

Don't even ask me how I found........


But it is quite accurate.

Mikey's Xmas Night Out Schedule

So for me my Christmas drinking shenanigans look like this: -

This Friday

Is the official Works Christmas do, held at the Sporting Lodge (Pete and Jo's wedding reception venue). None of my closer mates from work are going but there's a few of them that are alright so it shouldn't be too much of a letdown. I've decided that getting drunk and slagging everyone off that's there will be the best way to get through the night. Hopefully ending in a fight/brawl.

Saturday 11th December

This is looking a far better prospect.

Starting at 12pm in Lloyds, me, Andrew Garrens, Helen, Cheryl, Debbie, Andrew Pollard (who invited him?), Hayley and possibly some others will begin a 14 hour marathon of nonsense and damned good fun. Especially me and Garrens once we get going.

This should be an absolute cracker if we can last till 2am.

Thursday 16th December

The Finance Dept at my works are having a meal at Joe Rigatoni's and then a few are going into town for a bit of a drink. Myself and Andy Garrens have decided to skip the meal and just get pissed. Looking dodgy though as if there is only me and him brave enough to drink on a school night we're calling it off.

Friday 17th December

Keith's Office Xmas Do was set to be gatecrashed by me but I've been told in no uncertain terms that...

"Chief, I am pulling someone from the office, I don't care who and no offence but I don't want you there influencing me into stupid behaviour!!".

Honestly KG, it's not like I make you jump in shopping trolli....oh, hang on.

Friday 24th December

This is the big one.

KG has promised to stay off the mad shit this year that saw him downing a cocktail of "pink stuff" (it was lethal shit), 3 or 4 tequila slammers and then fall over in Pete's front room and attempt to hump poor Zack the dog.

He was dead for 8pm and my dream of one of the best nights out yet down Redcar was over. I was pretty gutted until my birthday cheered me right up. Two months later in February.

This year, Middlesbrough is bracing itself for what K & H are building up as the night out of the decade.

We are looking to tear the place down in a truly epic style only us two legends can manage. I finish work at 12 and expect to be singing "Are you hanging up your stockings on the wall?" by five past.

Sunday 26th December

Stevie "Get the towels in off my nose, it's raining!" Murkin celebrates his 37th birthday today and I believe the plan is for an all dayer up Middlesbrough? Yet to be confirmed.

Thursday 30th December

I'm quite sure this is Dale Miller's birthday. Make sure I go where he doesn't.

Friday 31st December

Talk of another session up Boro - but it may be a case of staying in and watching a bit of the old TV. Went to Redcar last year and froze me bollocks off and no-one was in the mood.

Redcar eh? Whatever happened to going down there?

Max and Paddy Theme Tune

Groves, please can you sing the following as many times at it takes to get it out of your system! I'm sick of hearing it!!!

Don't know where we're going
Got no way of knowin
Riding on the road to nowhere

Sponging for a living
Checking out the women
Riding on the road to nowhere

And we don't take shit from anyone
The only thing we wanna do is have some fun

We're Max and Paddy... Paddy and Max
And best of all we don't pay council tax

Cheers KG - it'll dink dank doo for me.

Ed vs Spencer

By far and away the best program on Sky One for ages.

Thinking of a New Job?

Think again with interviews like this.

Got the Time Chief?

You have now.

Annual Leave Update

Got up at 10.00ish.

Phone call off our Ma, " Can you pick me up from Middlesbrough?"

So I gets up there and I'm on the A66 behind this lorry and me windscreen gets sprayed with a shedload of mud. No friggin' screenwash!! I couldn't see chuff all.

Anyways picks her up and takes the motor for a car wash.

Had my dinner and here I am.

I'm going back to work.

Thursday, December 2

Oh Yes!!

That'll be me off work till the 13th December.

Wednesday, December 1

The Closest to Word Up Yet

Very similar style game to Word-Up. Our fave night out quizzer. Play it now.

Nathan Paylor

Not to create a stir (or even generate a few more hits!!), but reading back on old Wallet posts that Nathan Paylor was a right cunt wasn't he?

Christmas Excitement

Groves came up with an idea. "Why not get someone to copy a CD Album and we'll listen to it in the car on the way to work to get us psyched up for xmas!!"

Well he doesn't have many but it was a cracking idea!

So, I collars Frances B, (check the guestbook!) my boss to bring some CD's in and I'll buy some tapes. So I did and this what we've got on full whack at the moment.

The Best Christmas Album in the World...Ever!!

It's not that good it doesn't have Boney M's Mary's Boy Child.

My personal fave has to be 12 Days of Christmas by The Spinners. It's a classic.

Food, Powder, Posion and Plot

Only someone from Boro could be this much of a deadhead.

Hang on just a damned minute - David Dickinson????!!???


"Hi, I'm David Dickinson!!"

The Year of the Blog

Don't get excited Groves - it's not my End of Year Review! No, I'm saving that for when I'm bored over Christmas.

The BBC in it's quite clever journalistic ways has picked up on this story.

Apparently blog is the word of 2004.

Funny how 2004 was when the Burnley Wallet was born.

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